all 140 comments

[–]foresthillian 126 points127 points ago

A guy goes into this bar, sits down and orders a drink. While waiting, he sees a guy sitting at the bar who has a very big muscular body but a little tiny head. So, he asks the guy, "How is it that you have such a huge body and a small head?"

The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand. So I picked it up, brushed away the sand, and out popped this fine female genie. She said she would grant me three wishes for releasing her."

"For my first wish, I asked for ten-million dollars, and POOF right there on the sand was $10,000,000."

"For my second wish, I asked for a luxury yacht, and POOF right there on the ocean was a 90-foot yacht."

"Finally for my third wish, I wanted to have sex with the genie, but she said that genies were not allowed to indulge in those kind of activities." So, I said, "How about a little head?"

[–]smallsemple 13 points14 points ago

A guy walks into a pub and sits down at the bar, he can hear some music piano playing so he looks around to try and see where it's coming from. On a table in the corner of the room he sees a tiny tiny man playing the piano, he's shocked, but decides to get a drink in him before inquiring further. As he tries to get the attention of the barman, he nottices a grubby-looking lamp sitting on the bar, he picks it up and gives it a rub and a genie pops out. The genie tells him that he has one wish and can wish for anything he likes.
The man thinks for a second and says "I want a million bucks".
The genie shakes his head, puts a hand to his ear and says "Sorry mate, you're gonna have to speak up." The man repeats, a little louder this time "I want a million bucks!".
The genie looks at him, puzzled, shakes his head, and snaps his fingers.

Suddenly, The man has feathers up his nose, in his mouth and eyes, and there's a deafening sound of quacking.
He hears the barman's voice, muffled from all the ducks: "Jesus christ! Someone rubbed that fucking lamp!" .
The man yells to the barman "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!" .
To which the barman replies, "Yeah, and I didn't want twelve-inch pianist neither!" .

 ...     

Hope you liked it, it's a lot easier to tell than it is to type.

[–]Chazzey_dude 5 points6 points ago

I just finished typing this joke. That's not freaking fair. I'm leaving it there because I spent too much time on it to remove it. I'm going to go lie down.

Edit: How come mine is so similar to yours? I swear I did not copy a single word. Damn, boy!

Edit 2: The resemblance is bloody uncanny.

Edit 3: Ok, so I think I have an explanation. It involves assuming you have a time machine. I can assume that, right?

[–]smallsemple 0 points1 point ago

It is perfectly reasonable for you to assume that I have a time machine. It is also reasonable to assume that I'm just a little luckier than you.

[–]Chazzey_dude 0 points1 point ago

What about you just being more awesome than me?

[–]Eldeeff 22 points23 points ago

Woah, a whole 100k huh!

Edit : Laugh at me. Not with me. OP was missing a zero before the fix. I guess I skipped the 10 and just read million. That or I'm really that bad with numbers. I have the bank account to back that up.

[–]Inorezyou 0 points1 point ago

Naw, she gave him a million.

[–]john87 0 points1 point ago

It's actually 1mill..

[–]lethargicwalrus 0 points1 point ago

number of 0's would mean it's 1 million, you're both wrong.

Edit: he fix't it

[–]Eldeeff 4 points5 points ago

Yep. Big derp on my behalf.

[–]Chazzey_dude 2 points3 points ago

A woman walks into a bar. He sees a guy at the other end, drowning his sorrows, with a miniscule piano-player next to him, standing on the bar counter.

The woman can't resist asking, so she goes up to him and enquires as to why he was a tiny musician playing to him.

The guy says "it's a long story, so I'll cut the crap. Basically, I got this genie from a randomer in a bar, telling me to have it because he didn't want it anymore. Sure, I thought it was weird, but I thought 'hey, free genie'. But now I don't want it". The woman asks if she can have it, and the guy says "sure, but promise you'll be careful and clear?". The woman quickly promises and grabs the genie, that the guy just took from his pocket, out of his hand and wishes for a million dollars. Nothing happens for 5 seconds, but then a huge rumbling is felt, followed by a cacophony of quacks.

The quacking is ridiculously loud, and the woman shouts shouts "WHAT THE HECK?! I ASKED FOR A MILLION BUCKS!", to which that man responds "AND YOU REALLY THINK I ASKED FOR A 12-INCH PIANIST?!".

[–]stealingyourpixels 0 points1 point ago

A woman walks into a bar, he sees a guy at the other end.

Upvote for effort. Just missed it.

[–]Chazzey_dude 0 points1 point ago

Look, I can put hermaphroditic people into my jokes if I want. But thank you, that joke took about an hour to write.

[–]stealingyourpixels 1 point2 points ago

[–]jessmeister 1 point2 points ago

A variation of this joke, that I love for its total anti-punchline, goes as follows:

A guy goes into a bar, surrounded by a gorgeous harem of women, dressed to the nines, and - strangely enough - his head appears to be an orange.

He goes up to the bartender and orders shots of his top shelf whiskey for himself and everyone in the bar. The bartender pours the shots, and - unable to contain his own curiosity - asks the man "How is it that you have an orange for a head?"

The guy replied, "I was walking along the beach one day and I came across this bottle buried halfway in the sand, so I picked it up and brushed away the sand, and out pops this genie! He says he'll grant me three wishes for releasing him."

"For my first wish, I asked for ten million dollars, and POOF, right there on the sand was $10,000,000."

"For my second wish, I asked to be followed around by beautiful women for the rest of my life, and POOF, there they were!"

"For my third wish - and you need to understand, this is where I really messed up - I wished for an orange for a head."

[–]The_helpful_idiot 285 points286 points ago

Great idea until the genie tells him to bend over. Always be specific when you're making wishes, people.

[–]Stewart_Fishington 134 points135 points ago

Glad someone else knows how tricky Genies can be. We need to spread this Genie awareness for those who might stumble across one and we can prevent these problems.

[–]missyo02 58 points59 points ago

I'm a genie and stop telling people about my trickery

[–]RealityRush 18 points19 points ago

I wish for 10000 more wishes. Check. Mate.

[–]Fleshgod 49 points50 points ago

You can have 10,000 wishes. But it doesn't mean they're going to get granted.

[–]BluShine 25 points26 points ago

I wish for 100 more genies in bottles.

[–]a1lazydog 11 points12 points ago

Granted! but good luck getting the bottles as they have been sealed for all eternity.

Alt. Done. But they are all dead. I the bottles are actually urns.

[–]BluShine 8 points9 points ago

Genies cannot be sealed. They live to serve their masters. You can melt a bottle shut, but the genie will still come out if you rub the bottle.

Also, genies are immortal and can't die.

[–]White_Luigi 13 points14 points ago

genie law is so complicated.

[–]GlassSoldier 2 points3 points ago

Genie Law in this country is not governed by reason.

[–]RealityRush 9 points10 points ago

Fine. I wish that the genie wouldn't disappear after 3 wishes and would grant me whatever I wanted forever.

[–]sikyon 12 points13 points ago

Nope one clause only.

[–]RealityRush 3 points4 points ago

It's a 3 part wish :P

[–]Ultima34 3 points4 points ago

I wish for more genies.

[–]Obomney 1 point2 points ago

I wish for whatever I want whenever I want it.

[–]RedderNeckanize 14 points15 points ago

  1. I wish that you as a genie know exactly what I mean with my wishes.

  2. I Wish that you must grant my wishes in the exact way that I am meanin during each and every wish.

  3. I wish for infinite wishes.

[–]Spaghettihouse 9 points10 points ago

"Oh, I know exactly what you mean." said the genie, his face cracking into a sly grin, and a hand dextrously unzipping his robe.

Who would have thought robes had zippers? Who would have thought genies had enormous penises? And why oh why, were they so horny?

[–]jbs13572 0 points1 point ago

Check and mate

[–]RedderNeckanize 0 points1 point ago

And mate and mate and mate...

[–]smaug13 0 points1 point ago

whenever you want you say? okay. you only want things you don't have. as soon as you have it, you don't want it anymore. and as soon you don't want it anymore, whatever you wished will disappear.

[–]Obomney 0 points1 point ago

OK. So we have a deal.

[–]deivijs 0 points1 point ago

I wish for a lawyer.

[–]JacksLackOfSuprise 0 points1 point ago

Yeah, cuz you always get fucked in the end!

[–]cowpunter 0 points1 point ago

He didn't say "I wish to have sex with a genie". Furthermore the genie could have easily have gotten out of it by sacrificing another genie in his place.

[–]jlking3 0 points1 point ago

If only it were Jeannie.

[–]cowpunter 0 points1 point ago

I wish, without any negative repercussions, and in perpetuity, the ability to grant my own wishes.

[–]MrGoodbytes 20 points21 points ago

Wish I could find that great comic about djinns twisting your wish, but before the guy can be warned he opens his mouth and spouts, "I wish for a buttload of gold."

Alas, the website is still there but the djinn comic is gone.

[–]Accidental_Ouroboros 15 points16 points ago

Well, that one might not be twisting your wish, so much as a thousand+ year old entity not understanding modern colloquialisms but still being required to do exactly as the person says.

Then the poor bastard is just left wondering why his masters keep on asking for such horrible things to be done to them.

[–]SkaveRat 12 points13 points ago

well, maybe that's his wish. then what?

[–]The_helpful_idiot 7 points8 points ago

Then... everything went better than expected?

[–]tarrox1992 3 points4 points ago

Then genie has huge cock that perforates colon.

DM:HS

[–]knylok 8 points9 points ago

In a 3 wish scenario, the first wish should always be "I wish that all of my wishes are interpreted the way that I expect them to be". Your second wish would then be for infinite wishes. It's all good from there on in.

[–]UnspeakableEvil 4 points5 points ago

[–]Sco7689 2 points3 points ago

"I wish a genie could grant infinite wishes" should work as well.

[–]rafasc 1 point2 points ago

[–]HolgerBier 15 points16 points ago

Oh god nothing is more fun in D&D than giving wishes in the most dickish way.

"I want 10000 gold!" Bam, teleported to the inside of a bank vault

"I want to marry the prettiest girl in the world!" Bam, all girls are ugly except for a mediocre one. Alternatively, all girls are dead 'cept for one old witch.

"I want to have a big dick" Bam! Good luck with your 9 m3 dick mate.

[–]cymballs 2 points3 points ago

I really should play D&D some time.

[–]TheVarmari 1 point2 points ago

D&D?

[–]blowuptheking 5 points6 points ago

Dungeons and Dragons, a tabletop Role Playing Game.

[–]TheVarmari 1 point2 points ago

Sounds fun. Any informative links?

[–]blowuptheking 1 point2 points ago

Not that I can think of off the top of my head (I'm not a regular player), but try /r/rpg .

[–]TheVarmari 1 point2 points ago

Thanks!

[–]TheDruth 1 point2 points ago

Good thing he never actually said "Wish"

[–]thats_a_risky_click 1 point2 points ago

genie weenie.

[–]Alphawild 0 points1 point ago

Who's to say that's not what he intended?

[–]HEELLLPPPppp 0 points1 point ago

[–]Lonely_Toast 341 points342 points ago

[–]AnEagleNamedSmallGov 162 points163 points ago

[–]Awesomeade 30 points31 points ago

Oh wow. That's hilarious, and I've never seen it before. I thought after being on reddit for two years, these moments would cease to exist.

Thank you.

[–]cowpunter 2 points3 points ago

"If you find the guy that did, ask him if I can have is wishes"

[–]SmileAndNod64 95 points96 points ago

Regardless of all talks about how taste is mostly due to smell, that face at the end makes me laugh every time.

[–]ExtraCheesed_Buddha 37 points38 points ago

It makes me saddened but the true terror going on in his head

[–]Seekzor 15 points16 points ago

What makes it for me is the satisfied expression of his friend.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

He still has his wish. I'd wish that my friend had to shit from his mouth.

[–]biitchhplease 1 point2 points ago

Actually I think they had one wish for the both of them.

[–]Shyamallamadingdong 14 points15 points ago

That bald genie gets me everytime

[–]SuddenlyTimewarp 4 points5 points ago

Also, geometry homework? Noice.

[–]peterfalls 1 point2 points ago

In all honesty, you could get a lot of good information about your digestive health by having taste buds in your asshole. It'd take some work overcoming the natural distaste for fecal material, but that distaste isn't practical when you can taste things in your mouth or ass. Don't matter if it tastes like shit on the way out.

[–]poptart2nd 16 points17 points ago

I thought about this for a while, and it may have been a pretty huge dick thing to do, he could just wish that his shit tastes delicious and turn the tables on his friend.

[–]Anshin 32 points33 points ago

They got 1 wish to share, not 1 wish each

[–]poptart2nd 9 points10 points ago

what an asshole genie.

[–]duckman273 6 points7 points ago

If he did have another wish, why not just wish to not have tastebuds in his asshole.

[–]poptart2nd 9 points10 points ago

because that's a waste of a wish. it just returns to the status quo. if you can improve the situation from when you started, then it's better than just returning to the same situation you started with.

[–]Forever_Awkward 7 points8 points ago

I've never in my life heard a more convincing argument for anal taste buds.

[–]Alpha_Angel 10 points11 points ago

[–]Awesomeade 4 points5 points ago

Alternate ending: The genie forces the dude on the right to stick his tongue in his friends asshole. Guy never specified whose taste buds were gonna be in there.

[–]ZeitPolizei 15 points16 points ago

There's a relevant Oglaf (generally NSFW) comic but the site is down right now.

[–]frostickle 20 points21 points ago

Link to the actual genie comic: http://oglaf.com/simon/

[–]duckman273 5 points6 points ago

Why didn't he just wish to not have his legs cut off?

[–]foggart 4 points5 points ago

Thus began the reign of Arthur the legless...

[–]Avery_Richman -3 points-2 points ago

Tried to get this as soon post came up.
So close...

[–]rpetre -2 points-1 points ago

Came here to post it: http://oglaf.com/simon/

[–]sweetdrip 12 points13 points ago

There's gonna be ectoplasm everywhere.

[–]whizzard 11 points12 points ago

That kids too young for ectoplasm.

[–]toothball 25 points26 points ago

[–]ROFLWAWFUL 44 points45 points ago

This kid lacks imagination; wish for more genies, have sex with however many, and have wishes to spare.

[–]brokenguitarstring 25 points26 points ago

already done

interestingly, not a relevant xkcd

[–]TearHugger 2 points3 points ago

Isn't there another guy who does the exact same thing? Can't think of the name.

[–]CAPSLOCK_USERNAME 4 points5 points ago

There's an account that does them barbershop-style, if that's what you're thinking of:

/u/WhyNotBarbershop

[–]TearHugger 0 points1 point ago

Yes, thank you. This guy is wonderful.

[–]husao 0 points1 point ago

I hoped for a Bastion-voice

[–]Randomacts 0 points1 point ago

I just noticed.. You sound a lot like Cory Williams. (Mr.Safty/SMPflims)

And your novelty account is exactly something he would do.

[–]professional_here 0 points1 point ago

I can read myself, thank you.

[–]jphw 0 points1 point ago

Or wish for more wishes. Then you can have more genies.

[–]ROFLWAWFUL 1 point2 points ago

You've never been briefed in Genie 101, have you? First rule: no wishes for more wishes.

[–]jamesismynamo 9 points10 points ago

Are you serious?

Rehosted webcomics will be removed. Please submit a link to the original comic's site and preferably an imgur link in the comments. Do not post a link to the comic image, it must be linked to the page of the comic.

Original source, from For Lack of a Better Comic

[–]Ninjahamster2k11 4 points5 points ago

He didn't say "I wish"

[–]Eldeeff 6 points7 points ago

I read the genie in Piccolo's voice. It really made:

I... Uh...

Are you being serious.

[–]Braskebom 3 points4 points ago

If genies existed, there'd probably be laws against this after many years of lobbying by the genie community.

We'd see headlines like: "It happened again!"

[–]PalermoJohn 0 points1 point ago

what what?

[–]Braskebom 1 point2 points ago

In the genie.

[–]DirtyDrummer 0 points1 point ago

You wanna do it in my genie?

[–]LevTheRed 2 points3 points ago

he didn't specify which genie...

[–]Molozonide 1 point2 points ago

If the wish is granted, then - hey look, another genie!

[–]shifty_coder 1 point2 points ago

He didn't say "I wish…"

[–]Hezzerzzezz 2 points3 points ago

Wish for something that would allow you to get what you want without needing more wishes

[–]zuluthrone 0 points1 point ago

there's several stories about sex with the jinn.

[–]CaptainTim1982 0 points1 point ago

Wasn't this posted just a few days ago?

[–]hellfish666 0 points1 point ago

That is an ugly Genie by the way . .

[–]AbigailRoseHayward 0 points1 point ago

I saw this on Memebase ages ago. MEMEBASE. Come on people, you can do better than this!

[–]ajkelley1012 0 points1 point ago

Why doesn't the genie get another genie?

[–]swedishfrog 1 point2 points ago

There is a djinn sex scene in American Gods. A gay djinn sex scene, no less.

[–]sean646 0 points1 point ago

He can just spawn another genie...

[–]piratesbooty 1 point2 points ago

Fucking great. Where is this from? I love the humor.

[–]jamesismynamo 0 points1 point ago

http://forlackofabettercomic.com/

OP should have posted the original source to begin with.

[–]Lastaria 0 points1 point ago

Genie could just transform him into a hot babe, problem solved for Genie.

[–]404-shame-not-found 0 points1 point ago

Dat smile.