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top 200 commentsshow all 404

[–]AndreasFrom 667 points668 points ago

"Assist him".

[–]SupermanV3 236 points237 points ago

I NEED AN ADULT!

[–]Msingh999 23 points24 points ago

I AM AN ADULT!

[–]sinepruoy 18 points19 points ago

MY DAD'S NOT A PHONE

[–]MrTravesty 11 points12 points ago

I THREW IT ON THE GROUND

[–]calicojones 6 points7 points ago

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE GROUND.

[–]Black_Wasp 2 points3 points ago

GIVE THE GROUND SOME CAKE

[–]CommandADelete 55 points56 points ago

Try to catch the zipper fairies

[–]SupermanV3 48 points49 points ago

[–]CleverTrevor 42 points43 points ago

SupermanV3 has a fear boner right now.

[–]VaporDome 15 points16 points ago

It's from the Equipmunk

[–]pjeff61 19 points20 points ago

I walk around with a fear boner at halloween parties when all the females are dressed as "kinky" representations of certain occupations....or sluts

[–]playerIII 17 points18 points ago

I hate how our culture functions, sometimes.

[–]7th 28 points29 points ago

Hey man, there is a benefit to it. If there's a girl, and you want to know what she looks like naked, just go to the same Halloween party as her. You can usually get a rough idea.

[–]Jeremymia 15 points16 points ago

I spent an unreasonable amount of time wondering how dressing up as a girl would help you see her naked.

[–]pjeff61 4 points5 points ago

Just imagine that creeped out look on her face when you show up at the same Halloween party as her.

[–]TheSeldomShaken 5 points6 points ago

But the rest of the time? Oh, the rest of the time....

[–]orko57 8 points9 points ago

[–]I_Fuck_Pigs 11 points12 points ago

I AM NOT A BARN

[–]ChadFeldheimer 9 points10 points ago

Of course you're not. How could a barn fuck a pig?

[–]KittenPurrs 32 points33 points ago

By collapsing.

[–]TehWut 11 points12 points ago

[–]BadPunsGuy 5 points6 points ago

Hahaha dbz abridged....

[–]ExtraCheesed_Buddha 3 points4 points ago

Oh I'll be your adult alright

[–]LurkerMcLurkerton 102 points103 points ago

(Mortal Kombat voice) "FINISH HIM!"

[–]dsoltesz 13 points14 points ago

How have I gotten this far in life without having a sound-effects board for the bedroom?

[–]LurkerMcLurkerton 6 points7 points ago

You don't have one? Oh, I've got lots of great audio drops on mine- "Finish Him", "Thank you may I have another", "Oklahoma" (safe word), etc.

[–]jortgonfreit 19 points20 points ago

Sometimes I just like to wack off. I know myself better than anyone, and a quick orgasm is better than a quick round of sex.

[–]A_Downboat_Is_A_Sub 22 points23 points ago

As a husband who wakes up before everyone else in the house 7 days a week, masturbating in the morning is often the only chance for an orgasm all day. People frown on doing that at work, or with your kids running around, or on the bus.

[–]SBecker30 37 points38 points ago

Instead of yelling at him, have you tried to use your mouth for another purpose?

[–]Jeremymia 3 points4 points ago

why did you do this to me

[–]patefoisgras 3 points4 points ago

Haha, now this one is quality.

[–]suchende 31 points32 points ago

As someone's wife, trust me, if he wanted a blow job or to fuck he would have asked.

[–]rensign 138 points139 points ago

as someones husband, he probably did and she said no.

[–]SupermanV3 61 points62 points ago

OH MAN I CAN'T WAIT TO GET MARRIED!

[–]BowsNToes21 16 points17 points ago

The key is to never have kids or get fat.

[–]TheSeldomShaken 24 points25 points ago

  1. 'Kay.

  2. Shit.

[–]Dukksoup 18 points19 points ago

YES YOU CAN , YES YOU CAN, YES YOU CAN.

[–]froglegsoup 23 points24 points ago

AHH ITS TWO MARRIED PEOPLE FIGHTING! AND THEY AREN'T EVEN A COUPLE!

[–]bonezito24 3 points4 points ago

SAID NO ONE EVER

[–]forgettableme 16 points17 points ago

While I agree with the sentiment, it isn't always so. One of the biggest arguments I had with my ex was that he would rather masturbate to porn then have sex with me. While he never said that out loud the fact that I'd try, and fail, to get any kind of sex for months yet catch him masturbating nightly... wasn't hard to figure out.

No, I did not get fat. We did have kids. And he was cheating on me. I should have realized that something was wrong when I started having to beg for sex.

[–]runs-with-scissors 6 points7 points ago

Same here. Wasn't cheating, but a huge webcamming addiction. Yayyyyy.

[–]eire1228 14 points15 points ago

Depends on the wife.

I've very pro-active with the husband in this regard. He rarely has to ask...or at least not twice.

[–]LaptopMobsta 2 points3 points ago

slow-clap

[–]teh_tg 3 points4 points ago

Yeah, makes me want to get married too.

[–]ProfessorPootis 2 points3 points ago

Don't hate, masterbait

[–]vaginabeard 2 points3 points ago

[–]knowone572 105 points106 points ago

That's John Malkovich in a wig, right?

[–]jordanminjie 41 points42 points ago

Malkovich malkovich malkovich. Malkovich malkovich malkovich malkovich malkovich malkovich? Malkovich malkovich.

[–]camnui 3 points4 points ago

dafuq?

[–]the_silent_redditor 20 points21 points ago

Malkovich.

[–]goodguyent 305 points306 points ago

Man, I would've been completely lost without that 2nd arrow. Have you considered a third?

[–]Viaxl 106 points107 points ago

If the paper was in 3D, yes.

[–]Wasoomi 167 points168 points ago

[–]goodguyent 45 points46 points ago

There should be a red circle in there too, for good measure.

[–]Wasoomi 267 points268 points ago

[–]goodguyent 47 points48 points ago

Exactly, we wouldn't want anybody not getting the joke.

[–]Limitedcomments 26 points27 points ago

Oh now I see it, thanks man.

[–]Ted417 9 points10 points ago

Sorry, still can't find it. Can you underline it with a neon pink color?

[–]bonezito24 2 points3 points ago

Fucking. Visionary.

[–]camnui 5 points6 points ago

i like you

[–]SupermanV3 34 points35 points ago

[–]Y2JisRAW 16 points17 points ago

[–]trivial_sublime 10 points11 points ago

[–]TitaniumShovel 2 points3 points ago

25 arrows. NEEDS MORE.

[–]Kdnce 5 points6 points ago

Report to /r/crappydesign

[–]phongbong 2 points3 points ago

Don't be silly, OP didn't make this.

[–]AmpleWarning 55 points56 points ago

If you walked in on him once, it's an accident. If you walked in on him twice, then he's just masturbaiting.

[–]Kdnce 10 points11 points ago

He's like "Honey, hey Honey! I ran out of TP. Could you swing in here and bring me a new roll?" She comes in, "Yeah wifey you see it ... you likey?" No ... no she does not likey which is why you're alone in the bathroom squeezing one out.

[–]SnarkBack 27 points28 points ago

...squeezing one out.

I don't think you're doing it right.

[–]squishy_placenta 23 points24 points ago

Why bother wasting your time by rubbing your dick when you can squeeze the sperm directly from your balls

[–]HowsItGoinFloppy 3 points4 points ago

I cringed.

[–]passive_fist 2 points3 points ago

thats completely unrealistic, anyone who talks like that would not be able to land a wife

[–]Kdnce 1 point2 points ago

"Land a wife" - ? I would love to hear you explain exactly what "landing a wife" means lol Sounds legit. Is she a 737?

Besides I was joking then as I am now.

Please take it seriously.

[–]SplatterSack 22 points23 points ago

Took me a minute to find what I was supposed to see. Please add another large arrow and repost.

[–]ItWillBeMine 66 points67 points ago

Repost-alicious

[–]CaptainNoBoat 23 points24 points ago

I saw this twenty minutes ago in r/all/new and thought, "Oh, this - funny, but I've seen it so many times, surely it won't be that successful."

BOOM, FIRST SPOT FRONT PAGE.

[–]otter111a 1 point2 points ago

So you say you've read it before huh? If only there was some web site out there where you could look at post after post and think to yourself, "I read it already"

[–]OBEYthesky 3 points4 points ago

9gag?

[–]Janet_Coquette 146 points147 points ago

Although a better answer might be: "You know, you MIGHT just consider having sex with him once in awhile."

[–]heardlb 118 points119 points ago

Sometimes jacking off can be more enjoyable then sex...sometimes

[–]carvex 70 points71 points ago

Well it's better than her trying to jack me off. She can't do the twist at the top.

[–]alahos 107 points108 points ago

Well stop opening bottles for her.

[–]hammerdong 44 points45 points ago

trust me bitch, i've perfected the art of jerkin my chain. Your half hearted attempt is just awkward.

[–]Twinkling82 37 points38 points ago

Like it isn't a two-way street. You guys always think that go as hard and strong on us makes it enjoyable, while a delicate approach is much more intense and useful.

[–]penis_queef 21 points22 points ago

I'll admit a slow build into a crescendo is an amazing orgasm (especially when shared), but sometimes we just want to jerk that shit out asap. I can't explain.

[–]aceonw 32 points33 points ago

You can't explain, but we all understand.

[–]Twinkling82 11 points12 points ago

Agreed.

[–]grte 3 points4 points ago

It's pretty simple, isn't it? Coffee breaks aren't that long.

[–]FlutterShy- 17 points18 points ago

Man. I was being all slow and sensitive with this girl one time and she basically told me to fist her. And once I managed to get as much of my hand in there as could possibly fit, she told me I wasn't going hard or fast enough. She came pretty quickly but it wore my arm out pretty bad. I was a virgin at the time and my penis isn't a goddamn fist so when she said "I want you inside of me," I got all self-conscious and made up some bullshit excuse.

I suppose the moral of the story is that not every girl wants you to take your time and work her up with some deft and gentle finger/tongue work. Some girls want you to stretch their vaginae until you no longer feel comfortable with the idea of having sex with them. The only way to know for sure is to ask. Communication is imperative.

[–]Twinkling82 2 points3 points ago

Bingo. But I was generalizing. Most guys need it to be rough and straight on, most girls need the gently way.

[–]jortgonfreit 8 points9 points ago

I am a guy and do both for my lady, depending on what she wants that night.

Regardless, she sucks at giving a handjob. I've never met a girl who's even remotely good at giving a handjob. Ever. I always stop them without making it awkward that they're just rubbing my dick raw.

[–]awittygamertag 3 points4 points ago

You've been meeting the wrong girls.

[–]SometimesUseless 7 points8 points ago

As a woman I can confirm this!

[–]eire1228 6 points7 points ago

bet she cums every time you go down on her. Right?

[–]forgettableme 5 points6 points ago

Some guys are incredibly bad at that too. They watch too much porn, which is done more for show, so they don't hit the right spot.

[–]eire1228 4 points5 points ago

Or for some women it's best not to start ON the spot but AROUND it then work your way in...

[woman]

[–]CloseToMe 7 points8 points ago

Never heard a guy talk his way out of a handjob.

[–]hammerdong 6 points7 points ago

Well i assure you, its been done.

[–]penis_queef 2 points3 points ago

[–]ios_k 0 points1 point ago

You are lucky that she just can't do the twist.

[–]StankyMung 11 points12 points ago

Freedom of imagination, no real physical exertion, and the time to climax doesn't disappoint anyone.

[–]HebrewHammerTN 10 points11 points ago

I love that my wife understands this. I love filet mignon, but sometimes Arby's drive through is just easier and faster.

[–]DeathToPennies 22 points23 points ago

This is a woman who needs to ask advice from the local paper on how to handle her husband masturbating.

Look me in the eyes, and tell me that she knows her way around a penis.

[–]protendious 10 points11 points ago

I would rather look you in the eyes and finish.

[–]DeathToPennies 29 points30 points ago

[–]vgxmaster 11 points12 points ago

ಠ_ಠ

[–]DeathToPennies 13 points14 points ago

 ಠ◡ಠ
 <|>
 /ω\

[–]boozecruisin 2 points3 points ago

What the hell? Where is this from?

[–]DeathToPennies 3 points4 points ago

A movie called "We Need to Talk About Kevin". I've never seen it, but I've heard it's good.

[–]jamesismynamo 51 points52 points ago

Oh come on, don't assume that just because he's masturbating that she doesn't have sex with him. There's no need to blame the wife when you have no context.

[–]Cristal_nacht 44 points45 points ago

Could be a gay married couple, no need to assume there's a wife when you have no context :)

[–]pretentious_hobo 11 points12 points ago

Look at you avoiding stereotypes. Teach me your ways.

[–]aidaman 2 points3 points ago

Aren't over 99% of marriages straight?

[–]jamesismynamo 13 points14 points ago

This is totally true, I'm sorry!

[–]utopianfiat 2 points3 points ago

It's okay, my son, say four Hail Sagans and your sins will be forgiven.

[–]notaturnip 36 points37 points ago

But all women are frigid teases who friendzone everyone then fuck some arsehole with a motorbike instead!

[–]protendious 16 points17 points ago

You said hi but don't wanna fuck ? Frigid tease.

[–]notaturnip 11 points12 points ago

At least show me your tits. No? SLUT

[–]callsorputs 1 point2 points ago

Just a little batting practice while getting ready for the big game

[–]dsoltesz 5 points6 points ago

Wrong answer. Sex and masturbation are not mutually exclusive.

[–]Giggity_Guy 24 points25 points ago

Why was the bathroom door not locked? Unless this man intended on her seeing so that she would realize she has to give up dat ass more often.

[–]CleverTrevor 32 points33 points ago

You'd be surprised how many bathrooms don't have locks.

Shit, my last one the door wouldn't even close all the way. My roommates got to see much more than they bargained for.

[–]A_British_Gentleman 21 points22 points ago

I hate it when I visit someone's house and they have no lock on the door.

[–]broden 17 points18 points ago

It becomes the game of "what sounds am I willing to make" crossed with "at what proximity of others am I prepared to make these noises".

To simplify matters, just sing.

[–]sfoxy 3 points4 points ago

But that's like a $10 investment!

[–]8repeels8 5 points6 points ago

So instead of being upset that he's fapping, she is really upset that he's too busy fapping to install a lock on the door?

[–]TheOnlyWayToBeSure 3 points4 points ago

7,543 people need to spend more time on the internet so the rest of us cave dwellers can stop staring at the same shit every 5 hours.

[–]T4u 6 points7 points ago

Tell him it's September for God's sake

[–]PinkEchoes02 -1 points0 points ago

Heh, Emma. What a silly gal.

[–]JohnIsTheMan -1 points0 points ago

This woman has no common sense.

[–]Choo41 2 points3 points ago

How is that even a dilemma?!

[–]best_advice_giver 0 points1 point ago

ME.

[–]awod76 3 points4 points ago

My wife walked in on me the other day. At first she was kinda grossed out...but then, she realized that I was sitting on a big pot of shit still and she became very grossed out. I tried to explain to her that I only wanted to flush once. She didn't appreciate my frugality.

[–]straubairy 2 points3 points ago

Don't just stand there, go get help!

[–]garychencool 2 points3 points ago

"Assist him by going into the room naked or wear something naughty."

[–]zionxgodkiller 0 points1 point ago

Alright reddit...I give up. I guess were done when a repost like this makes it to the top of the front page yet again. <-out

[–]SamWise050 0 points1 point ago

I know people don't like it when we bitch about reposts, but seriously. Not having this get to the front page is what keeps reddit fresh. Its the "front page of the internet". Not the newspaper your grandma reads.

[–]ju66l3r 5 points6 points ago

Anyone seeking more info might also check here:

title comnts points age /r/
Private Time 1com 9pts 10dys funny
Emma seems to know her shit 316coms 2208pts 1yr funny
What should I do? 16coms 75pts 1yr funny
The problems of our generation. 49coms 411pts 1yr pics

source: karmadecay

[–]acocainebear 4 points5 points ago

I don't always comment when something is a repost.... but srsly this is like the 100th time this has been posted.

[–]Harold_Grundelson 4 points5 points ago

Always knock before entering The Masturbatorium. ALWAYS.

[–]phyllis_lecat 4 points5 points ago

It should say, "knock, or suck cock."

[–]bunnysaur 3 points4 points ago

I like the second option

[–]maraques -1 points0 points ago

The worst repost.

[–]KMGX 0 points1 point ago

That is great advice

[–]a_supertramp 0 points1 point ago

lend a hand.

[–]JGumb -2 points-1 points ago

If he is leaving the door unlocked I think a better answer would be "give him a hand".

[–]Beanz94 0 points1 point ago

Well, the highlighting is...understated

[–]BaronVonKlotz -1 points0 points ago

Somehow this reminds me of Shame.

[–]Derogatory_Term -1 points0 points ago

"Masturbate before knocking."

[–]otter111a -2 points-1 points ago

Blumpkin.

[–]einterz 1 point2 points ago

Find a role to play.

[–]fortheconstant -1 points0 points ago

Or put out, he is your husband after all.

[–]bctTamu 0 points1 point ago

A good indicator is if the fan and the shower are on. The purpose is sound muffling, it's just so much better when we know the plot.

[–]skruffydog -1 points0 points ago

Funny

[–]GaryDuder -1 points0 points ago

Meanwhile…

Bob and I have been together for nearly a year

Woaaah! Nearly a whole year? They're going to put you on the jumbotron at the ball game. Tell us your secret?

[–]Zyranium -1 points0 points ago

LOCK THE DOOR

[–]nicknac89 -1 points0 points ago

old but awesome

[–]halfstep15 -1 points0 points ago

her husband is spiderman

[–]LeSpatula -1 points0 points ago

I was aware that American houses don't have locks, but I'm surprised this is even the case for bathrooms.

[–]MrRickAwesome 0 points1 point ago

the advice columnist looks like John Malkovich in a wig...

[–]fnkbnjfdnb -1 points0 points ago

hjgytrtcretfyghj

[–]HEG[!] -1 points0 points ago

Damn it, Brain. Stop thinking about sex!

[–]instantwinner 2 points3 points ago

Is Emma secretly John Malkovich?

[–]AD7863 1 point2 points ago

Maybe because I'm from the UK I'm having a hard time understanding this. Why don't they have a lock on their bathroom door?

[–]Niloc0 0 points1 point ago

"Emma" is probably pretty familiar with the dangers of people entering a room unannounced. "She" is a clearly a transvestite.

[–]dumb_ass_comment -1 points0 points ago

reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeepost

[–]megamoose4 0 points1 point ago

Emma looks like a dude in a wig.

[–]strategic_form 0 points1 point ago

better advice: join in

[–]wickedg3 0 points1 point ago

hahahahahahah best one today!

[–]Icantevenhavemyname 1 point2 points ago

One doesn't simply ask for a blumpkin.

[–]delifresh1 0 points1 point ago

Honestly, what kind of person walks into a closed bathroom? Masturbating or otherwise. :/

[–]ROSERSTEP 0 points1 point ago

i hate when people leave the bathroom door closed when no one is in it-then you have to knock cuz you have no idea if its vacant-just leave the damn thing open after you use it and then if its closed just go away!

[–]Flegenheimer 1 point2 points ago

"Go away, I'm batin'!"

[–]deadspider187[!] 0 points1 point ago

This has been front paged so many times it should be a sticky.

[–]IfYouCantTrustSanta 0 points1 point ago

inb4 becomes Advice Animal

[–]florisvanrijn 1 point2 points ago

Incase anyone was having trouble finding the advice. http://imgur.com/PDwQv

[–]Rocky9211 0 points1 point ago

I was bored. Thanks for this humor

[–]BenderBill 2 points3 points ago

Join him.

[–]indieshometownhifi 1 point2 points ago

Whoa whoa whoa. This is another case of 10 things about your man, written by some woman. Ladies; get in there and hope for a money shot. I guarantee that honey do list gets done twice as fast. I guarantee it.

[–]IntoTheStars 0 points1 point ago

Why is she walking into the bathroom while he's in there anyway? Would she rather catch him shitting? Even married couples need to respect privacy. We have doors in our houses for a reason.

[–]johnw1988 0 points1 point ago

Am I the only one who thinks it sad that a husband still has to masturbate? If a wife doesn't want to have sex she can still take the time to give him a handjob.

[–]KEEPCARLM 1 point2 points ago

I came home from work one day, and I was horny so I asked my GF nicely to help me out, she declined. so I said, you're gonna make me go to the bathroom and do it myself then? she said yes. so i did it. she then comes and see's me. and is pissed off at me for the next 2 hours. wat.

[–]TheForceiswithus 0 points1 point ago

So this Emma person is a man in drag, right?

[–]G3N3R4L 0 points1 point ago

Wow, I do not agree with her advice on the left.

[–]TasteTheMilk 1 point2 points ago

Reposts...

[–]redebekadia 1 point2 points ago

i masturbate a lot. I dont think of it as a faliure on my husbands part. I just have a sexual appetite that 8-10 times a week doesnt satisfy. He doesnt mind. He gets his and i get mine, without going outside the relationship.

[–]ReyTheRed 0 points1 point ago

Correction, that is good advice.

The best advice, is to join in.

[–]oldnewport55 1 point2 points ago

It looks like she got tips on how to have a picture taken from Uncle Rico in Napoleon Dynamite.

[–]Schobbo 1 point2 points ago

Sex would probably be a good idea, then he didn't have to masturbate.

[–]silent_p 0 points1 point ago

Why is there a picture of a dude in a wig, and what kind of name is Enuma?

[–]fani 0 points1 point ago

No, thats just good advice.

Best advice is - give him a hand (and mouth)