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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]wennerator 531 points532 points ago

"y'all wanna know the lifespan of a cactus? depends on which kind of cactus theres a lotta cactus gotta be specific #lottacactus" fucking brilliant.

[–]aMillionLasers 146 points147 points ago

"alot of people wonder why womens menstrual cycles sync up when they live together id like to address that question-idk why but its fucked up" is also pretty deep.

[–]siberianunderlord 41 points42 points ago

That was my favorite one hahaha

[–]iamoldmilkjug 52 points53 points ago

That hashtag was the icing.

[–]SQUID_FUCKER 26 points27 points ago

"For real tho, the best part about cake is da icing. #FuckAngelfood"

[–]Seedy-E 294 points295 points ago

SOMETIMES I REMEMBER THERE ARE MOUNTAINS IN THE OCEAN AND I GOT SO HYPE I JUST GO OUTSIDE N START RUNNIN AROUND MAN IDK

[–]awhitekid 27 points28 points ago

"its a myth that theres a correlation between foot size n penis size u can have tiny feet n still have a dick that u could commit murder with"

[–]AGuyFromKansas 329 points330 points ago

"We ride together, we die together, we love cool rocks together" love that shit!

[–]sharpmath 209 points210 points ago

As a geologist, I am adopting this as my motto.

[–]geologist_here 56 points57 points ago

Geologist here. I think I might too.

[–]MadcowPSA 35 points36 points ago

Geophysicist here. I've forgotten what cool rocks look like. All I know is graphs and logs.

[–]I_FISTED_MY_GRANDMA 5 points6 points ago

Well aint y'all a bunch of fuckin' smart.

Chairforce to the rescueee!

[–]jmc_automatic 8 points9 points ago

Crackhead here, definitely using this.

[–]benji07 2 points3 points ago

Redditor for two months? Your time came fast.

[–]-sorel- 15 points16 points ago

It will be the title of my thesis.

[–]jjsreddit 82 points83 points ago

Jesus christ Marie. They are minerals.

[–]ArecBardwrin 188 points189 points ago

[–]Cynikal818 48 points49 points ago

I STRAIGHT UP HAVE NO IDEA HOW PORCUPINES FUCK EACH OTHER

[–]lord_tubbington 7 points8 points ago

I'm the lazy. Thanks for the link!

[–]smoochieboochies 3 points4 points ago

"Jane Goodall nip slip" Lulz!

[–]mhjobe 2 points3 points ago

Upvotes for the man, this is important!

[–]scottay2hottay 817 points818 points ago

I lost it at the flightless birds still grindin'.

[–]duckduckmeow 538 points539 points ago

I like this one

[–]funkbefgh 341 points342 points ago

He really speaks to me.

[–]shockzila 71 points72 points ago

getto depressed scientist. man idk...

[–]dont_shit_urknickers 41 points42 points ago

It's funny because I imagine Bill Nye speaking that way, I realize this is obvious but I don't care.

[–]CatamenialPneumoThrx 36 points37 points ago

For some reason I'm imagining Aziz Ansari saying it... It works

[–]Tactful 3 points4 points ago

air pollution is dick man. carbon emissions need to #getonmylevel

[–]guidabida 83 points84 points ago

That face...that face gets me every time!

[–]SQUID_FUCKER 67 points68 points ago

For real tho, those little lemming niggas be trippin' #YOLO

[–]Trip_McNeely 17 points18 points ago

Ya'll hear that cheetahs be runnin fast as a Caddy ridin dirty? While wearing cheetah print! #SWAG

[–]PillMill 17 points18 points ago

It's true. It actually correlates to the relative sizes of your index finger and ring finger. The greater the difference in lengths between the two the more likely it is that you will be well endowed. Therefore, men with the same or similar sized index and ring fingers have micro-members.

Edit: Thank you waxiestapple for bestowing us with the PROOF

[–]StairwayToTruth 9 points10 points ago

In that case, statistically, I should have a dinosaur between my legs.

In all seriousness, the correlation is generally considered to be testosterone, not penis size. Here are some correlations compiled in a wikipedia article.

[–]YogiDog 1 point2 points ago

Let me get this straight. I'm good, cause when I wrap both hands around my penis, my middle fingers touch. Not my index fingers.

[–]Omnipotent_Fox 59 points60 points ago

But for real those flightless birds have to be bumming soo hard.

[–]zetoaero 190 points191 points ago

HAHA, HEY I READ THAT ONE, TOO!

[–]Shellface 28 points29 points ago

ME TOO! WE SHOULD START A CLUB!

[–]DrFinklestein12 6 points7 points ago

There is only room for one of us...

[–]Kon-chezz 11 points12 points ago

Word.

[–]ICantDoBackflips 39 points40 points ago

Is it possible that this is the Bill Nye that the CNN Anchor was talking about when she said he's known across the internet for being crazy?

[–]greenlalablue 4 points5 points ago

Holy shit is that why she called him crazy?? THAT MAKES TOO MUCH SENSE.

[–]Valefox 70 points71 points ago

I don't think I've laughed this hard in months. Thank you so much for sharing, Dizfunky.

sometimes i'll see a mayfly just sittin around or whatever and i'm like your lifespan is only 24 hours go out and see some shit b!!!

[–]MrLovelife 2 points3 points ago

It's the most random, somehow creative stuff, that makes me laugh the hardest.. Definitely saving this one for a day I feel sad.

[–]bisp247 93 points94 points ago

dammit now i'm thinking about breathing and can't stop

[–]andersonb47 110 points111 points ago

Your jaw now has weight.

[–]rmc1317 51 points52 points ago

...I fucking hate you, man

[–]MarioV2 42 points43 points ago

Your ears pop every time you swallow.

[–]MrShittyFatTits 49 points50 points ago

How did I never notice this before?

AND HOW DO I UNNOTICE IT?

[–]Kazurik 32 points33 points ago

Wait like 15 minutes? Oh wait you said that 15 minutes ago. Sorry for reminding you.

[–]vteckickedin 4 points5 points ago

You can't find a comfortable place in your mouth to rest your tounge.

[–]VajayjayLeno 9 points10 points ago

See, the others always get me, but I've always noticed that my tongue fits like...perfectly in my mouth. Just crazy good. It makes me happy.

[–]sockxl 17 points18 points ago

You are aware of your tongue in your mouth.

[–]gid0ze 20 points21 points ago

At least this made me forget about breathing.

[–]alymonster 9 points10 points ago

DON'T FORGET TO BREATHE!

[–]takka_takka_takka 14 points15 points ago

You have to decide where to place your tongue.

[–]kingseed 7 points8 points ago

This is the worst one. My tongue feels out of place in my mouth now.

Quick, must forget about tongue. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZZ5LpwO-An4

[–]penuswilliams 11 points12 points ago

You motherfucker

[–]Edgar4llanPwn 11 points12 points ago

Atmospheric pressure is forcing the air out of your lungs

[–]andersonb47 18 points19 points ago

Oh this is a bad one. Don't like this at all.

[–]MUSTY_BALLSACK 4 points5 points ago

Actually, it's not.

[–]chaosgod 4 points5 points ago

That is freaking me out, man.

[–]loversmagnumopus 7 points8 points ago

Fuck you for this.

[–]treebeard189 4 points5 points ago

you are now aware you control your blinking

[–]PORN_TITLE_RATER 3 points4 points ago

6/10

[–]felatedbirthday 14 points15 points ago

Might as well meditate then.

[–]Agent_SterlingArcher 4 points5 points ago

That must suck dick.

[–]Chops369 6 points7 points ago

There's actually a condition that requires you to breathe manually. It's called Ondine's Curse, and happens when the part of your brain that regulates your breathing gets injured and stops working correctly.

tl;dr - http://i.imgur.com/TBXIj.jpg

[–]ANAL_PLUNDERING 4 points5 points ago

If I clicked the picture without reading I would not know what you were talking about at all.

[–]ieatbees 3 points4 points ago

You can just go to a shrine in any city and have that curse lifted, I believe.

[–]Tristessa27 474 points475 points ago

"even like the smartest dinosaur was stupid as fuck" Excellent.

[–]Tipsymidget 239 points240 points ago

A T Rex has the size of a walnut.

[–]Tipsymidget 483 points484 points ago

Fuck how did I mess that up so bad.

[–]fractalife 212 points213 points ago

Your has the size of a walnut

[–]breadisme 31 points32 points ago

I like your commentary on your comment better than what you were trying to say to begin woth

[–]StairwayToTruth 62 points63 points ago

Tipsymidget

[–]iRobbot 32 points33 points ago

A T Rex has a brain of a walnut.

[–]newreaderaccount 30 points31 points ago

Even the smartest tipsymidget be stupid as fuck...nigga still out there grindin tho!

[–]Naggers123 3 points4 points ago

I can't get the image of tiny little walnut sized T-rexs running all the round the place out of my head. Thank you.

[–]IAMAVelociraptorAMA 62 points63 points ago

:(

[–]StairwayToTruth 11 points12 points ago

How does it feel to realize that you're inferior to those weak little humans?

[–]IAMAVelociraptorAMA 30 points31 points ago

You're a very subjective stairway.

[–]Squoghunter1492 4 points5 points ago

What's it like being stupid as fuck?

[–]IAMAVelociraptorAMA 8 points9 points ago

D:

[–]therockfish 29 points30 points ago

Best one. Lost it.

[–]StairwayToTruth 81 points82 points ago

Lost it.

And now you can't pick it up again because of your stupid tiny little T-Rex arms. But what are you gonna do? T-Rex still out there grindin anyway.

[–]yooossshhii 25 points26 points ago

I stay grinding. I'm... http://i.imgur.com/x8Quo.jpg

[–]stephenporter 14 points15 points ago

i got you

[–]ElCaz 9 points10 points ago

Nah, not cuz of arms they grindin, it's cuz they have size of a walnut.

[–]flysonic10 215 points216 points ago

They're MINERALS, Bill.

[–]I_Eat_Toothpaste 116 points117 points ago

Jesus Christ bill

[–]justbecausewhynot 18 points19 points ago

Im bidding on MINERALS Bill. I won.

[–]Vahnya 33 points34 points ago

[–]Kazurik 11 points12 points ago

I didn't :(

[–]5HT-2a 10 points11 points ago

Breaking Bad. The supporting character Hank develops an interest in rocks while bedridden.

I was ready to type out the entire plot to Breaking Bad there for a second. Just ten more months...

[–]Misquote_The_Bible 2 points3 points ago

MINERALS

[–]Vahnya 2 points3 points ago

Breaking Bad.

[–]MisterMcDuck 61 points62 points ago

Having been a white middle-school-gangster, this shit is hilarious.

[–]ICantDoBackflips 44 points45 points ago

I'm white and went to middle-school. I think it's funny too.

We're breaking down barriers here.

[–]koolkat347 18 points19 points ago

Being a white kid in a mostly black high school, this shit sounds just like my science class.

[–]TheAtomicPlayboy 337 points338 points ago

It's so much better if you read it in Tracy Morgan's voice.

[–]figureinplastic 41 points42 points ago

I'm Brian Fellows!

[–]mucocele 5 points6 points ago

While I hate to correct someone on their cakeday, it's Brian Fellow. The name of the show was Brian Fellow's Safari Planet. Just a small pet peeve of mine whenever someone says "I'm Brian Fellows."

[–]MikeFromOuterSpace 124 points125 points ago

We absolutely need a scientist-Tracy Morgan character irl.

[–]penis-butter 46 points47 points ago

BRIAN FELLOWS

[–]StickSauce 91 points92 points ago

"Like dis, Recombin EN-A, is a gatherin of molo-cules, orderin' themselves in a sific way so dat many is one. Dis works cuz, all da life U see is the same chemicals n' shit, the way day order' out is different. So, if you make one right, it should copy itself good wit the pro-teen changes." -Tracy Morgan, An overview of Recombinant DNA.

[–]andersonb47 79 points80 points ago

r/explainlikeimjive

[–]SecondaryLawnWreckin 30 points31 points ago

Excuse me, I speak jive

[–]Sthurlangue 3 points4 points ago

Jive-ass turkey!

[–]andersonb47 10 points11 points ago

No no...read it again.

[–]floridalegend 40 points41 points ago

Sounds about right, I sent it to 30 Rock writers and said it was mine.

[–]ByJiminy 5 points6 points ago

Surely reddit will be able to handle such an idea without it turning ugly!

[–]softmod 7 points8 points ago

[–]halfbrit08 13 points14 points ago

Even better than that, the guy who made the Greg Jennings video. He uses the "tho" a lot more.

[–]CharredZard 11 points12 points ago

DARREN SHARPA...HOLD MA DIIIIIICK!!!

[–]jamesyfbaby 11 points12 points ago

this nigga broke hes fuckin leg doe

[–]clamdiggin 8 points9 points ago

For me it was automatically an Ali-G voice.

[–]themvf 6 points7 points ago

I sat next to Tracy Morgan in a nightclub once.

[–]mrspetewrigley 7 points8 points ago

Well, I know what I am doing tonight.

[–]SonOfSamJackson 69 points70 points ago

Masturbating, we know.

[–]economypear 10 points11 points ago

Well, yes...but to Bill Nye.

[–]mrspetewrigley 4 points5 points ago

As long as you have a great voice like your dad, will you narrate my session?

[–]SonOfSamJackson 8 points9 points ago

I think I can pencil it in.

[–]Wrxed 4 points5 points ago

Try the demetryjones86 version

[–]six_six_twelve 14 points15 points ago

"i just read that according to the CDC 200,000 americans dont know they have AIDS and i'm like yo CDC why dont you TELL THEM???"

That's the best. I don't care what you say.

[–]Cavsio 3 points4 points ago

"thatd be like a 100% decrease in the amount of people who dont know they have aids"

[–]fireyadze 43 points44 points ago

do u ever just stop and say damn most of me is water

Best

[–]blastfemur 0 points1 point ago

I'm partial to "YO U EVER GET BORED N U JUST START COUNTIN?"

[–]NillaPlease 21 points22 points ago

AMA Request: @Bill_Nye_tho

[–]Dagheloot 10 points11 points ago

How many people just made a twitter account/logged onto one that they use every half century just to follow this guy?

[–]baker1289 18 points19 points ago

'THEIR STOMACHS IS POCKETS'

[–]dembeansinyajeans 8 points9 points ago

"yo girl lemme holla girl what's yo favorite mineral girl"

[–]gallantfox 31 points32 points ago

This twitter has had me rolling for a couple weeks now!

[–]k1d6r4y 14 points15 points ago

This one is definitely my favorite.

[–]biesterd1 12 points13 points ago

I think I need to get a twitter just so I can follow this account

[–]Big_E33 23 points24 points ago

links

https://twitter.com/Bill_Nye_tho - fake funny bill nye

https://twitter.com/thescienceguy - real bill nye

[–]Great_Chairman_Mao 12 points13 points ago

Man, that would just SUCK DICKS.

[–]peanutbutterflavored 5 points6 points ago

"SEND ME PICS OF JANE GOODALL LOOKIN REAL FUCKABLE" is my personal favorite.

[–]andersonb47 4 points5 points ago

BILL BILL BILL BILL

[–]Phaedrus47 48 points49 points ago

What's THO? Like Though? Or T.H.O. presumably (the high one)?

[–]OutlawJoseyWales 63 points64 points ago

T.H.O. presumably (the high one)?

Without a doubt this is the whitest comment on the internet

[–]ape_cage 118 points119 points ago

I shouldn't have to explain this, but it's like when rappers (which is me trying to non-offensively say "black people") say "though" at the end of a sentence where it's not really needed.

Another example is from the video of the guy playing madden where he scores a touchdown with Greg Jennings despite a broken leg, "HE PUT DA TEAM ON HIS BACK THO"

Edit: As some have mentioned, it can also be written "doe" since that's how its said out loud a lot of the time.

[–]AceDecade 54 points55 points ago

LOL WHY YOU MAD THO

[–]wilu 7 points8 points ago

You can also say DOE

doe is better

[–]drunkstatistician 33 points34 points ago

40 yo white guy here thanks you

[–]tacolettuce 25 points26 points ago

The video he's referring to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1P0yfq2wDvU

Worth watching.

[–]Revs2Nine 35 points36 points ago

Oh shit - DARREN SHARPER!

[–]fortehpronz 31 points32 points ago

One of da most hardest hittin' safeties in da league.

[–]commandodude1265 16 points17 points ago

Mothafucka broke his fuckin' leg

[–]wardsac 14 points15 points ago

FUCK YOU GUMBY!

[–]SirTrollingtonJR 14 points15 points ago

AY YO DARREN SHARPER...HOLD MY DIIIIIIIIICCKKKK

[–]awesomechemist 10 points11 points ago

Dahwen Shawpuh

[–]cogneuro 81 points82 points ago

I was not aware of this phenomenon

[–]Tillhony 52 points53 points ago

You are officially white my good sir.

[–]cogneuro 14 points15 points ago

Well now that it is official, I would first like to thank my irish and german ancestors. Without them I would not have the skin color that my cultural unawareness has already verified. I would also like to thank my uncoordinated body, Coldplay for making the music that speaks to my people, as well as HBO's The Wire for attempting to inform people like me on cultural and socioeconomic happens that are foreign. Thank you and goodnight tho.

[–]DeathToPennies 12 points13 points ago

A girl I know- white girl I know- types "doe". I questioned it, and this was her response.

Dats how you write it in geto talk doe.

[–]ScreenCleaner 10 points11 points ago

I thought they were always saying 'yo'.

[–]Owatatsumi 9 points10 points ago

Why in the world would you think this doesn't require explanation to the majority of the world? Thanks anyway...helps me understand, but this still doesn't seem funny to me.

[–]Amputatoes -1 points0 points ago

It's not "where it's not really needed" it's literally used in place of though. Though (despite) Greg Jennings' broken leg he was able to carry his team.

You saying black people would be offensive only because it assumes all black people speak/use African American Vernacular English (AAVE), which isn't true, but it's also not true that all rappers speak/use AAVE. What is offensive is you trying not to be offensive, insinuating that AAVE is inferior to Standard American English by presuming offense at naming the group that'd be most likely to use it.

[–]HighGuy92 0 points1 point ago

By AAVE are you basically saying ebonics or are the two different? If they're the same, then yeah, it's much inferior to normal English.

[–]SighJayAtWork 36 points37 points ago

Urban dictionary says "short for though" or "titty hard on".

Not sure which use is implied here.

[–]triple_dicked_badger 10 points11 points ago

Just watch this.. you'll thank me.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gd_Vd43Vxa0#t=22s

[–]antxsupreme 4 points5 points ago

Tho is short for though and is placed at the end of any statement to make it cooler. Like when you post a pic on instagram of your new shoes you say something like "these kicks tho". "doe" is also a substitute for tho. " yo that bitch grillin me odee doe" Source: first hand Expirience AKA I write like this AKA I'm a teen with what you would call "swag"

[–]lighting_lightning 26 points27 points ago

Bill Nye the "Thug Nigga" guy.

[–]akiradavis 5 points6 points ago

How about "Bill's" tweets to Daniel Tosh. Haha. http://twitter.com/Bill_Nye_tho/status/233394286673149952

[–]ChewyIsThatU 4 points5 points ago

That fucking guy is going to get so many followers from this post.

[–]teaker 12 points13 points ago

This almost makes me want to get twitter.

[–]LtCthulhu 7 points8 points ago

I'd totally say twitter is worth the 2 seconds it takes to make an account and add a few funny people to your feed. I like it because it is ever changing and you can follow whoever you want. It's not like facebook where random idiots you don't even know start popping up on your feed.

[–]greenhatsftw 11 points12 points ago

I thought that was the real Bill Nye at first and quite frankly, I was frightened.

[–]DrDro17 9 points10 points ago

i think tyler the creator made this to fuck around

[–]vitorizzo 7 points8 points ago

we love cool rocks together?

GOD DAMMIT THEY'RE MINERALS MARIE!!!

[–]abigail_underwear 1 point2 points ago

cool *minerals

[–]Nefeera 2 points3 points ago

Just looks like a normal twitter account.

[–]newschannel3 2 points3 points ago

Did you know your tongue is always moving?

[–]onetimeaccountyat 2 points3 points ago

We science now

[–]tm16scud 2 points3 points ago

Shit's funny when you read with an Ali G voice.

[–]abbydabbygurl 3 points4 points ago

I am like 76% relieved its not really his twitter... but then the other 24% of me is sad that its not actually his twitter... :(

[–]Cheeky_Hustler 3 points4 points ago

Damn why ain't it 75/25 that shit be specific yo!

[–]m0urn 2 points3 points ago

I RT'd like five of those yesterday. This dude may be my favorite person on Twitter right now

[–]etherealcaitiff 0 points1 point ago

From the hud doh, like da hud doh, like really really really from da hud doh.

[–]shikza 1 point2 points ago

Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill, Bill!

[–]daielquon 0 points1 point ago

Now I'm having to breathe myself. Fuck you wheezily.

[–]Plazmotech 0 points1 point ago

I have to think about breathing sometimes :/

Often if I'm doing something that requires concentration, or I'm just apathetically bored, I forget to breath, and then I realize it when my lungs start hurting ):

[–]Codeax 0 points1 point ago

"Lemme put u up on granite" made me cry.

[–]fluffy_1990 0 points1 point ago

Now I'm thinking about every breath I take.

[–]donttouchmyfeet 4 points5 points ago

Every move you make

[–]Allen547 0 points1 point ago

bill nye needs to find a way to live forever

[–]thembert -1 points0 points ago

WE LOVE COOL ROCKS TOGETHER

[–]bobsagetfullhouse -1 points0 points ago

Was that last tweet a BB reference possibly?

[–]d9am1ie4n 1 point2 points ago

Maybe but Stealth Mountain has the greatest account of ALL TIME!

[–]HalfRetardHalfAmazin 0 points1 point ago

I want this guy to be my best friend.

[–]Fridgeburn -1 points0 points ago

Shit, this nigga's insights is giving me feelings.

[–]tanknasty 0 points1 point ago

lol This was the twitter account I first thought of when I saw this post.

[–]spermking66 1 point2 points ago

Send me some pics of Jane Goodall lookin real fuckable