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1117
1118

Why I would never last in court. (i.imgur.com)

submitted ago by ddplz

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[–]Drutarg 41 points42 points ago

Source

[–]Benevolent1 11 points12 points ago

My favorite SNL skit in a long time.

[–]perfect_exceeder 7 points8 points ago

But his acting was so atrociously awkward. I just felt awkward and itchy all over after watching that.

[–]Benevolent1 17 points18 points ago

He's a football player. You kinda have to expect bad acting. In fact as far as pro athletes go, this is pretty decent acting.

[–]steinman17 8 points9 points ago

Peyton was much better, especially in his United Way skit.

[–]ShamanPipeGoesKABLAM 0 points1 point ago

Peyton has also had more experience to the camera, and doing ads.

[–]perfect_exceeder 0 points1 point ago

I know, but... even knowing that, it was still even worse than I expected. It felt like I was staring down a deep, black hole into the emptiness of his personality.

[–]UrbtoOSU 2 points3 points ago

Google and watch some of the Michael Phelps SNL skits from 2008 Olympics and you'll be prepared to give Eli Manning an emmy out of appreciation for not doing that bad. He really isn't bad at all when it comes to athletes. That being said, his brother Peyton definitely one ups him when it comes to SNL.

[–]I-Suck-At-Games -1 points0 points ago

I didn't think it was awkward to be honest. I think he's trying to act sort of weird or awkward.

[–]Dick_Dollars 2 points3 points ago

what was your favorite one before this one?

[–]Benevolent1 2 points3 points ago

Oh geez, probably the cowbell skit. The way Will Ferrell's shirt keeps sliding up to show off his hairy gut just cracked me up.

[–]Reggie_Dunlop 0 points1 point ago

"How much ya bench?" -- mid 90's (I think). Emilio Estevez was the host, and had David Spade, Chris Farley, Adam Sandler and Jay Mohr on the skit with him. Charlie Sheen had a call-in for the skit as well.

[–]Dick_Dollars 1 point2 points ago

Hahaha that was great! Thanks for a good laugh

[–]doctorcameltoe 0 points1 point ago

schweddy balls, duh.

[–]Benevolent1 0 points1 point ago

Great skit.

[–]bigmeech -1 points0 points ago

so bad

[–]sir_derpasaurus_rex 1 point2 points ago

I'm gonna guess you haven't seen this one yet. That, or you dislike Christopher Walken, but who could ever dislike the Walken...

[–]Benevolent1 1 point2 points ago

Oh God, you're absolutely right, I hadn't seen that. That was glorious!

[–]scruffy01 105 points106 points ago

Court: First order of business. I see you visit a site called "reddit" a lot. Why do you have several pictures of mutilated genitals...

Defendent: I can explain that! You see I'm compelled to click on NSFW links and there's this subreddit called /r/WTF an....

Court: I rest my case.

[–]Se7en_Sinner 50 points51 points ago

Court dismissed, bring in the dancing lobsters.

[–]immawsome 9 points10 points ago

YEAH!

[–]hawkeale 2 points3 points ago

What ever happened to her?

[–]TheColchianDragon 2 points3 points ago

Well, today it was this: http://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/amanda-bynes-spotted-allegedly-smoking-drug-pipe-driving-illegally-erratically-suspended-license-teen-star-hot-water-previous-hit-and-run-incidents-article-1.1158387

[–]comadorcrack 1 point2 points ago

She got a DUI

[–]SirNoName 2 points3 points ago

She has a new puppy?
Well that explains it...

[–]codychro 0 points1 point ago

Her head doesn't look real.

[–]cindreiaishere 0 points1 point ago

Oh my god, she was so young. I remember how old I thought she was when I watched that as a kid.

[–]vancesmi -5 points-4 points ago

Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback of all time.

I am desperately trying to find the same lobster costume as used in the show. It would be so much better than a horse head mask.

[–]brazalien 53 points54 points ago

Now explain /r/spacedicks in your history.

[–]kunstlich 57 points58 points ago

Uhhh.... pass?

[–]brazalien 17 points18 points ago

Pleading the 5th? GUILTY!!!

[–]LarryTheSatelliteGuy 24 points25 points ago

fiifffff

[–]newsdaylaura18 9 points10 points ago

1 2 3 4 FIF

[–]fknrat 1 point2 points ago

I PLEAD THE FIFFF BAM BAM BAM BAM

[–]imonkeyah 13 points14 points ago

I feel weird seeing that link purple

[–]vitallity 2 points3 points ago

It is blue for me, but I have been there, I regret it.

[–]slotbadger 0 points1 point ago

Well, some fucker linked to it in a completely innocent comments thread, and I just can't stand to see those links stay blue...

[–]nickyrho -1 points0 points ago

The link you put is purple... I try to forget.

[–]brazalien 0 points1 point ago

The verdict is guilty guilty guilty

[–]borkborkbork99 0 points1 point ago

"please explain what 'green balls' pertains to"

"I'd like to plead the filth, your honor!"

[–]rehnis 0 points1 point ago

Court: We can see that you have looked at several pictures of shit in condoms, that you visited a page dedicated to shit from an individual named scatbear. At the same time you are looking at girls taking photos of their boobs, Mr. Scruffy01, be honest now, do you masturbate to shit?

[–]Marz_The_Damaja 125 points126 points ago

Anyone seeking more info might also check here:

title comnts points age /r/
I would like to present my client's internet search history from that evening. 0coms 1pt 3hrs funny
Yeah, I'd confess too. 3coms 69pts 13dys funny
Internet Search History 3coms -3pts 27dys funny
I'd like to present... 206coms 901pts 2mos funny
If I Ever Killed Anybody... 5coms 37pts 3mos funny
Honestly... 4coms 27pts 3mos funny
If people ever went through my internet search history... 965coms 2438pts 4mos funny
No thanks... 0coms 43pts 1mo funny

source: karmadecay

[–]arcanition 10 points11 points ago

I'm curious as to why the post from a few hours ago didn't get any points, but this one did.

[–]Tenshik 25 points26 points ago

Post title was garbage. Put the punchline into the title. Title too long. Not funny. OP setup a situation that left you guessing before you clicked.

[–]fawker 0 points1 point ago

they really need to post a rule about that

[–]apotre 3 points4 points ago

Every two months seems to be a good interval to repost this.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]soldieringitout 5 points6 points ago

"It is on!" - Eli Manning

[–]absolute_panic 0 points1 point ago

Read your username as "soldering it out". Like an alternative to "ironing" something out. As an electronics guy, this excited me. Then I saw the "i"...

[–]fawker -1 points0 points ago

more info? it's like the programmer's pretending he's on higher ground than making a petty bitchbot

[–]miss_taken_identity 64 points65 points ago

You know, I don't complain about re-posts generally, but jesus christ.....

[–]majuhlazuh 19 points20 points ago

Yeah, this one has been around the block once or two million times

[–]bastardman 5 points6 points ago

I'm pretty sure it wasn't that infrequent

[–]Tesla6009 8 points9 points ago

There must be a lot of new users. The front page is almost full of re-posts. Thanks Obama.

[–]majuhlazuh 2 points3 points ago

I blame Terry Crews

[–]bro_b1_kenobi 2 points3 points ago

You met my ex too?

[–]majuhlazuh 0 points1 point ago

Aren't all ex's basically just reposts?

[–]cmd_iii 0 points1 point ago

And still, it's fucked up. Why would the attorney be exhibiting his client's Internet history? Wouldn't he be inclined to highlight things that are in his client's favor?

Should be "...the defendant's search history."

Maybe someone can fix this before it gets reposted again?

[–]Ittero 3 points4 points ago

Unless they were trying to establish the alibi that he was at home browsing the internet when the murder took place.

[–]cmd_iii 0 points1 point ago

Would be a bit of a stretch...they'd have to show the times that the searches were done (I don't know if the browser keeps that in its history file), and then prove that he was the only person who could have accessed that computer during those times.

Of course, if the history were on a notebook or smartphone, all bets are off anyway. He could have done those searches from anywhere...even the murder scene.

[–]fawker 0 points1 point ago

unfortunately that doesn't validate your post any further

[–]WWJD7 -3 points-2 points ago

I haven't seen it before. New to me, so upvote.

[–]miss_taken_identity 0 points1 point ago

Redditor for 1 month. Understandable. Carry on.

[–]tidux 9 points10 points ago

Oh shit, cops are coming.

rm -rf ~/.mozilla ~/.macromedia

What history?

[–]hiptarded 3 points4 points ago

adobe still stores objects under macromedia on linux? i haven't seen it referred to as Macromedia Flash in years.

[–]tidux 3 points4 points ago

Yep. If you set ~/.macromedia 0500 permissions and delete all the files inside it, Flash cookies stop working, which breaks things like HBO Go.

[–]NurRauch 1 point2 points ago

Bigger problem is that your internet provider most certainly keeps your history for a few weeks at least. Incognito mode doesn't go very far there.

[–]hiptarded 0 points1 point ago

agree. there isn't much you can do about that - you're on their cables and routers, so if they are recording you (whether they admit to it or not) your IP destination history is theirs (though via https they won't see much of the contents of that exchange).

[–]Aelar -3 points-2 points ago

Wouldn't work ;)

[–]tidux 2 points3 points ago

I use DuckDuckGo over HTTPS. If anyone has a record of my search traffic it's because my ISP has deep packet inspection gear that can fake SSL.

[–]Aelar 0 points1 point ago

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Computer_forensics#Techniques

[–]tidux 3 points4 points ago

Hi, my name is full-disk encryption and I hate every single one of you. All of you are known-plaintext lowlifes, etc...

[–]Aelar 0 points1 point ago

Then why rm -rf?

[–]tidux 0 points1 point ago

Multiple layers of security are useful things to have.

[–]Aelar 0 points1 point ago

Bur rm -rf does nothing helpful in a short term timescale.

If they get your encryption key, they can find the inodes just as easily.

[–]Bloaf 1 point2 points ago

dd if=/dev/zero of=/dev/sda bs=1M

Boom goes the dynamite.

[–]Aelar 0 points1 point ago

That would, but would take some time.

[–]shane727 5 points6 points ago

Whats that from?

[–]Blazeinpain 65 points66 points ago

last week

bad dum tsh

[–]OmniaII 6 points7 points ago

Last week, a fortnight ago, a month ago, 2 months ago, 3 months ago...

[–]erikcasey 2 points3 points ago

FORTNIGHT!!!

[–]Bloaf 3 points4 points ago

Once, on an engineering exam, I was asked to find a mass flow rate. The prof had a habit of giving us all our number is mixed units, so as payback for making us have to do unnecessary unit conversions, I reported my answer in ounces / fortnight

[–]scollins1990 0 points1 point ago

ehhhhhhhhh!!!

[–]Azphael 5 points6 points ago

I forgive you for the repost because that picture is funny every single time.

[–]kiel333 -2 points-1 points ago

EVER'TIME!

[–]jrengle 1 point2 points ago

HOW MANY TIMES WILL THIS HIT THE FRONT PAGE?! C'MON!!!!

[–]katoolbag 12 points13 points ago

Eli Manning. Hotty Toddy.

[–]TheRinger1976 0 points1 point ago

You Godamn Right!

[–]HeadJounin215 0 points1 point ago

That god damn mouth breathing dummy!

[–]TheRinger1976 0 points1 point ago

Said the numbnuts who can't spell... ^

[–]HeadJounin215 1 point2 points ago

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SlN9yiiyhRI

[–]TheRinger1976 0 points1 point ago

LOL, now I feel like a complete asshole :)

[–]opex14 0 points1 point ago

Good thing I use Norton

[–]Physiogonomik 2 points3 points ago

"But we haven't even.." "Guilty, your honor"

[–]uSeeWhatiDidThere 2 points3 points ago

He IS foul bachelor frog...

[–]DickBaggins 1 point2 points ago

this has never been posted

[–]thesecretbarn 3 points4 points ago

Character evidence is not admissible in court, unless the defendant makes his character an issue by introducing his own character evidence.

Translation: Don't mention spacedicks in court, and your spacedicks will be fine.

[–]NurRauch 0 points1 point ago

What's particularly weird about the OP situation is that the defendant's own attorney is the one offering the internet search history. I need to watch this skit and figure out what's going on.

[–]Ittero 0 points1 point ago

At home browsing horrible things on spacedicks = not at the scene of the murder when it was committed.

[–]NurRauch 0 points1 point ago

Oh. Then it ain't character evidence.

[–]heinzketchup14 0 points1 point ago

Looks like Eli Manning needs to go incognito

[–]BobDucca -1 points0 points ago

A friend of mine is almost in that top screenshot. He was the extra sitting just to the right of the juror that's showing.

[–]floridamike 0 points1 point ago

I finally have some dirt on Eli Manning

[–]familyorfriends 1 point2 points ago

Rather than enjoying the joke I just wondered if this would be hearsay or not. And if it is if there are any applicable exceptions.

Don't go to law school, kids.

[–]cleverseneca 3 points4 points ago

would your browser history work as an alibi?

"I can't have murdered Amy, I was watching 'Backdoor Midgets IV' last night as the murder occured."

[–]familyorfriends 1 point2 points ago

The prosecutors could still object to it on hearsay grounds and win. It really depends on a few more facts and state law/case law.

The legal definition of hearsay is "any out of court statement used to prove the truth of the matter asserted". In general the definition of "out of court statement" is much broader than the public realizes, and the definition of "truth of the matter asserted" is generally much narrower.

[–]cleverseneca 1 point2 points ago

I don't understand, there was a case on Reddit in which an admission of guilt on facebook was enough to send the party back to trial. (I've lost the link) and how is that any more or less of an alibi than phone records or video footage? would this work?

"I can't have killed Amy, as you can see I was showing my dick to as many people as possible on Chatroulette that night"

[–]familyorfriends 0 points1 point ago

Admission of party opponent is an exception to the hearsay rule. And the more damaging it is to the party making the statement the more likely the opposing party will be able to use it.

The hearsay rule has many "exceptions". I use scare quotes because hearsay has both exceptions (things that are hearsay but are excepted from the rule) and things that really look like hearsay but are considered "not hearsay" for reasons not worth going into.

[–]wrong_assumption 1 point2 points ago

The problem is that I don't think I would be watching Backdoor Midgets IV on my desktop computer.

[–]cleverseneca 0 points1 point ago

your IP would still be linked to your router, so unless Amy lives next door a laptop should still work. (Backdoor Midgets IV is really more of a blue ray type of movie anyway)

[–]wrong_assumption 0 points1 point ago

What happens if Amy lives next door?

[–]cleverseneca 0 points1 point ago

well then you could slip out and kill her while the movie is playing on a desktop anyway.... its a rather long movie after all.

[–]Cyberogue -1 points0 points ago

Thank you /r/wtf

[–]Amytherocklobster -1 points0 points ago

Two letters... V...P....N... Wait.. Okay three letters, still, I'm good to go :)

[–]HeadJounin215 0 points1 point ago

That god damn mouth breathing dummy!

[–]chosenone1242 0 points1 point ago

That's one backstabbing lawyer you got

[–]Ceejae 1 point2 points ago

This has me very seriously wondering what would actually happen if this or a similar event ever happened in court.

That is, the person on trial actively announces that they would rather just change their plea to guilty than have a particular piece of evidence be made public.

Would the court accept that? It achieves the exact same thing as what those presenting the evidence hope to in the first place. But could a court accept something like that knowing that it was for reasons other than a desire to admit guilt?

[–]whyyesiAMinterested -1 points0 points ago

i hadn't considered this before. I believe that if the court had reason to believe that the possible piece of evidence was so bad that the defendant would rather plead guilty to murder the lawyer and indeed everybody involved would be required to submit this information to the authorities.

[–]special_j 1 point2 points ago

HEHE

[–]vancesmi -2 points-1 points ago

Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback of all time.

Eli was damn funny on SNL. Peyton might have been a little better.

[–]thegamingbau5 0 points1 point ago

Repost

[–]stabstabstabstab -1 points0 points ago

This is why i would never last in court.

[–]matthewalan8 -1 points0 points ago

Downvote Level: Eli Manning

[–]TinFoilHatApostate 0 points1 point ago

Again.. Really?

[–]acecharkie -1 points0 points ago

REPOST FROM 2 WEEKS AGO. WHY? DO YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?

[–]whyyesiAMinterested -1 points0 points ago

dude chill out, take a couple shots and relax.

[–]Rox26 0 points1 point ago

/r/repost

[–]Stevengodz -1 points0 points ago

I wonder how many times have I seen this picture this year? How about 10 times or more...

[–]ajs2295 -1 points0 points ago

If I had a nickle for every time I've seen this post, I'd have about 30 cents

[–]thakilla 0 points1 point ago

Eli Manning?

[–]thakilla 0 points1 point ago

Oops, I was trying to make a joke about whoever this was looking like Eli...apparently it really is him :/

[–]Gysklar 0 points1 point ago

hee hee ;p

[–]DutchMonkey 0 points1 point ago

X-post. Saw it a couple of months ago

[–]whyyesiAMinterested -1 points0 points ago

still funny though

[–]thenightcheese 0 points1 point ago

Elderly butts. Very elderly butts.

[–]scollins1990 0 points1 point ago

is this actually being posted AGAIN? sometimes I feel like somebody is doing it just to troll me..

[–]blakeready710 0 points1 point ago

title comnts points age /r/
I would like to present my client's internet search history from that evening. 0coms 1pt 14hrs funny
Yeah, I'd confess too. 3coms 69pts 13dys funny
Internet Search History 3coms -3pts 27dys funny
I'd like to present... 206coms 901pts 2mos funny
If I Ever Killed Anybody... 5coms 37pts 3mos funny
Honestly... 4coms 27pts 3mos funny
If people ever went through my internet search history... 965coms 2438pts 4mos funny
No thanks... 0coms 43pts 1mo funny

[–]zeug666 1 point2 points ago

Firefox > Options > Privacy

  • Uncheck remember: browsing, downloads, search, history, etc
  • Check: delete history when Firefox closes.

[–]ololwut 16 points17 points ago

That does not prevent potential ISP-side logging.

[–]SGMD1 0 points1 point ago

VPN

[–]drumstyx 1 point2 points ago

In a big case, that doesn't help you, the VPN provider will cooperate with law enforcement.

[–]shiftdnb 3 points4 points ago

Google Chrome > File > New Incognito Window

[–]d0peamine 4 points5 points ago

ctrl+shift+n, bro

[–]shiftdnb 0 points1 point ago

As much as I like some keyboard shortcuts most of the time it's just easier for me to mouse over anyway.

[–]IncognitoChrome 3 points4 points ago

Nah I commandeth ctrl+shift+n

[–]bastardman 0 points1 point ago

He means when he has his left hand wrapped around his wang, it's easier to use the mouse

[–]IncognitoChrome 0 points1 point ago

He's gotta click keys at some point just to get to the website soo argument invalid.

[–]Mercades 0 points1 point ago

Bookmarks. I have no shame.

[–]IncognitoChrome 0 points1 point ago

If you have no shame why incognito in the first place argument invalid.

[–]sircmpwn 0 points1 point ago

zeug666's instructions work without a special mode. However, for one-time private sessions, you can also hit Ctrl+Shift+P in Firefox, or hit "Start Private Browsing" in the menu.

[–]zeug666 0 points1 point ago

or FF's "privacy" mode.

[–]iSYAN82 -4 points-3 points ago

That made me laugh too hard :))

[–]patricknayani -5 points-4 points ago

RRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

[–]hamderandreas -3 points-2 points ago

First time on the internet? Christ .....

[–]woofers02 0 points1 point ago

The thought of Eli Manning delivering the line completely ruins it for me.

[–]EchoReborn24 -2 points-1 points ago

Seriously, how many fucking times does this need to get reposted?

[–]MisunderstoodPenguin -2 points-1 points ago

Holy fucking repost batman, can we stop having this like every other week? seriously. Im not a big repost whore but this one is like cancer, it just wont go away.

[–]eHawleywood -2 points-1 points ago

"I stuck a little Eli Manning in there, that goddamn mouth-breathing dummy!"

[–]eHawleywood -2 points-1 points ago

"I stuck a little Eli Manning in there, that Goddamn mouth-breathing dummy!"

[–]iamsofakingwetodded -2 points-1 points ago

My reddit life is coming to an end. Too many fucking reposts..

[–]Arntown -3 points-2 points ago

I usually don't complain about reposts, but when I read the title I thought "Oh come on, not this pic again"

And it was this pic again

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