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top 200 commentsshow all 287

[–]amurrikan 358 points359 points ago

Rule #1: Don't punch the penis. Rule #2: In unclear situations, please refer to Rule #1.

[–]_Mattman_ 490 points491 points ago

Tips for a good handjob:

1. Use your mouth.

[–]DragoniteMaster 91 points92 points ago

In fact, the best kind of handjob is with your mouth. There's even a special term for it.

[–]Abner_Snopes 214 points215 points ago

I love mouthjobs.

[–]Greasy_Animal 106 points107 points ago

Mouth handjobs

[–]gwings 76 points77 points ago

Mandjobs. Wait...

[–]wr80 6 points7 points ago

I'M IN!

[–]iTzGHOZT 18 points19 points ago

Mouthhugs?

[–]I-Red-It 3 points4 points ago

MANDJOBS FOR EVERYONE!!! Courtisy of OP of course...

[–]amurrikan 46 points47 points ago

I always called them Super Special Rainbow Sexy Mouth Sucky-Sucky Adventure Rainbow Unicorn Fun Happy Time. But then again, the girl usually just leaves the room halfway though saying it...

[–]Wask8N 14 points15 points ago

So magical it has double rainbows.

[–]Kalmah666 8 points9 points ago

You have to find a way to expel some kind of liquid in front of a light source for that one

Or a reflection of said light source in someone's eye

[–]mrP0P0 1 point2 points ago

Just wait until you get to the sequel.

[–]DanHandsome 3 points4 points ago

Mouth hugs.

[–]whatevers_clever 9 points10 points ago

I thought it was a toothjob?

[–]WaxingGibbons 21 points22 points ago

"How about like a few slow chomps?"

[–]Alascar 10 points11 points ago

"Let me get by tongue nice and dry for you."

[–]pizzatarian 7 points8 points ago

In case anyone is wondering, here it is, the worst blowjob (Slightly NSFW)

[–]1050_Dominator 0 points1 point ago

Anyone else think this is Erin from "The Office"?

[–]MrMojoRisin5211 45 points46 points ago

2. No teeth.

[–]needlestack 18 points19 points ago

I know this sounds crazy, I'm not into pain, and I've had bad toothy blowjobs before... but I swear to god one time a girl did something with her teeth during a blowjob that was awesome. Has nobody else experienced this?

[–]FishBonePendant 24 points25 points ago

Did she do that thing where her dentures fall out and get up my urethra?

10/10

[–]wr80 3 points4 points ago

10/10 would buy again.

[–]McLargepants 12 points13 points ago

Best one I've ever had involved some teeth action. Though my worst, involved teeth scraping. One was art, one was sloppy. I would err on the side of no teeth though!

[–]enderdio 5 points6 points ago

Pleasure from pain is a physical thing, not a fetish one. In other words, people that are into pain are into it because they desire that kind of high, but you don't have to actually be into it in order to enjoy that same high. At the height of sexual stimulation, what ever pain you start feeling stops feeling painful, and the excess stimulation gets fed directly towards your orgasm.

In other words, yes. I've experienced it.

[–]BowtiesNBourbon 2 points3 points ago

Grazing versus scraping.

[–]me_groovy 0 points1 point ago

what, like grass?

[–]SokkasInstincts 2 points3 points ago

Haha I know what you're talking about.

[–]owlranch 0 points1 point ago

a little bit of teeth when done right is acceptable.

[–]Aziral 35 points36 points ago

Exactly. I have been doing my own handjobs since I was 12. You can NOT beat me in this field.

[–]dont_shit_urknickers 15 points16 points ago

2 . Fondle the balls a bit.

edit: apparently a 2. is changed to a 1

[–]secretvictory 1 point2 points ago

for best results: use anus and speak extremely dirtily.

[–]Todomanna 0 points1 point ago

Don't forget to make it dry and use teeth.

[–]depvetteguy 0 points1 point ago

if at all possible, upgrade to the non-job of your vag or ass and let him do most the work

[–]Battletooth 81 points82 points ago

Rule #3: make her open the box.

Am I in the wrong thread again?

[–]The_Dok 38 points39 points ago

Well, that's the way you do it.

[–]samman445 22 points23 points ago

Also, cut your mullet.

[–]el__duderino 11 points12 points ago

Business in the front, party in the back!!

[–]xElahstanx 5 points6 points ago

Douchebag all around!.

[–]amurrikan 3 points4 points ago

No... no. The mullet stays.

[–]UncleTogie 3 points4 points ago

"In other news: Pert princess punches penis. Perfidious princess-pecker-popping promptly panned; privates presently pulverized. Penis."

[–]shinthemighty 2 points3 points ago

hush

[–]sugarfixkid 2 points3 points ago

I've never punched one... but I elbowed my ex numerous times. I am not a very coordinated girl, he was uh... not impressed.

[–]PENISPUNCHER 1 point2 points ago

fuck

[–]Judge_Hate 0 points1 point ago

You speak the truth good sir, Go forth and continue to do great things.

[–]DomoHunter88 143 points144 points ago

First time going down on my girlfriend made me feel like an explorer in a dark, swampy unknown land

[–]Jlb1162 128 points129 points ago

I could relate until you went 'swampy.'

That's just nasty

[–]McFro 80 points81 points ago

It's usually rather humid.

[–]MrGMinor 97 points98 points ago

I got 'skeeters all over me!

[–]fr33th1nk3r 37 points38 points ago

I found a ghost orchid

[–]dont_shit_urknickers 27 points28 points ago

I found a fucking sea otter!

[–]Selrag 9 points10 points ago

If you find a sea otter in a swamp you should really publish your findings in a journal.

[–]DoxBox 0 points1 point ago

Then its not a sea otter but a swamp otter.

[–]LukaCola 12 points13 points ago

Only one? Then what was it fucking?

[–]ScottCarmichael 4 points5 points ago

The warts.

[–]The_Painted_Man 16 points17 points ago

hahaha....NO.

ಠ_ಠ

[–]moltiinSFW 6 points7 points ago

Jolly Ranchers. Sorry, I had to.

[–]WhyYouThinkThat 1 point2 points ago

Green seaweed and lilypads.

[–]FSMCA 3 points4 points ago

I found a little man in a boat

[–]AndrewP7 3 points4 points ago

and moist

[–]somerandomguy1232 11 points12 points ago

He went to the wrong hole.

[–]CupofBallSoup 17 points18 points ago

Shouldn't a done that, ee's just a boy.

[–]LFC_sandiego 11 points12 points ago

poor little feller

[–]ZeGentleman 3 points4 points ago

[–]Antares777 1 point2 points ago

Just saw that movie for the first time....references everywhere. Mhhmmmmmhmmmmm.

[–]Idiotank 6 points7 points ago

[–]bearasauras 5 points6 points ago

Nasty? Is that because you found a food gusher?

[–]Zymorode 1 point2 points ago

oh god, not this again.

[–]synicalx1 1 point2 points ago

Uh oh, here we go....

[–]nermid 55 points56 points ago

Also, first time I fingered a girl, she came while I was still working out where everything was. She thought I was impressive; I thought she was easily impressed.

[–]xaronax 121 points122 points ago

Are you really that dense? She faked it so you would stop mangling her bits. And no, you don't know the difference.

[–]salvatorus 25 points26 points ago

[–]nermid 21 points22 points ago

She was very much the kind of girl to tear your ego down and stomp on it rather than fake an orgasm.

I find your scenario unlikely.

[–]salvatorus 8 points9 points ago

Ahhh to be young.

[–]Viatos 93 points94 points ago

Ahhh to be bitter.

nothing is worse than the thought of another human being having a positive sexual experience to which you were not invited

[–]empolean 6 points7 points ago

completely possible that this happened girls vary a lot

[–]370H-SSV-0773H 1 point2 points ago

It's the description "mangling her bits" that put one hell of an image in my head.

[–]el-terible 2 points3 points ago

pity upvote

[–]flickin_the_bean 99 points100 points ago

Watch this for 20 minutes. That was my first one given. Thank god I'm open to constructive criticism.

[–]WolfKnifeLaserTorch 150 points151 points ago

On the flipside, as a guy I give you my first attempt

[–]4_word_replies_only 16 points17 points ago

Your beans need harvesting?

[–]flickin_the_bean 16 points17 points ago

I do it myself.

[–]4_word_replies_only 12 points13 points ago

That's probably more efficient.

[–]flickin_the_bean 5 points6 points ago

Unfortunately, it usually is.

[–]4_word_replies_only 12 points13 points ago

I usually eat them.

[–]flickin_the_bean 7 points8 points ago

I just flick them.

[–]4_word_replies_only 9 points10 points ago

That's a tasteful decision.

[–]flickin_the_bean 7 points8 points ago

Not all the time

[–]4_word_replies_only 10 points11 points ago

I've tasted bad beans.

[–]synicalx1 4 points5 points ago

Your usename does make me lulz a bit. Just a question, are you in AU by any chance? I've never heard anyone use that term outside of 'straya

[–]flickin_the_bean 1 point2 points ago

Not in AU, in US. I just think it's one of the funnier euphemisms.

[–]paco_lips 218 points219 points ago

I can't believe that my wife finally posted something funny

[–]admiralwaffles 147 points148 points ago

Sorry she punched your dick, dude.

[–]Idiotank 74 points75 points ago

Who said he was the first?

[–]OPs_Friend 1 point2 points ago

Interesting Stuff

[–]Czar2koo 22 points23 points ago

How to kill a boner in 2 seconds.

[–]ScottCarmichael 15 points16 points ago

Watch Nancy Grace?

[–]Popcom 12 points13 points ago

He said boner, not penis.

[–]McFro 22 points23 points ago

Is that better or worse than a girl using teeth giving a blow-j?

[–]Scrode 33 points34 points ago

Ah, the old ivory slide. Makes me shiver just thinking about it.

[–]Tzar_Koschei 35 points36 points ago

Like peeling a carrot.

[–]Montgomrie 9 points10 points ago

We always called it "the cheese grater."

[–]McFro 4 points5 points ago

I always called it bad form. lol You get a light disciplinary slap for the first incident after that you get a replacement.

[–]alwaysmispells1word 4 points5 points ago

only if she has brases on.

[–]DaFitz 20 points21 points ago

I had a fuckbuddy who gave me a little nibble when she blew me and it was actually kinda nice. Not hard, more of a light gripping of the dick

[–]Alyssa_xD 8 points9 points ago

As a female this sounds risky.

[–]McFro 1 point2 points ago

Just a rule of thumb if you try anything out of the ordinary do it with moderation and ask how they liked it. I will never nibble the clit without a light graze and seductive "You like that?" just to make sure.

[–]Alyssa_xD 1 point2 points ago

Smart rule!! I'll remember that

[–]McFro 0 points1 point ago

Haha thanks! Make sure you tell the BF/Hubbs too it will be very helpful if they want to become a certified muff diver.

[–]DaFitz 2 points3 points ago

how so? you're not chomping on it, you're merely gripping

[–]Alyssa_xD 0 points1 point ago

Yes but what I'd I but to hard, or something. Idk. I've done the teeth graze before and it's insanely embarrassing.

[–]rugratsallthrowedup 8 points9 points ago

Bingo

[–]Eversooner 15 points16 points ago

Ivory slide. I have never heard that. Well played, consider stolen.

[–]BowtiesNBourbon 1 point2 points ago

I always called it the pencil sharpener.

[–]terikana 0 points1 point ago

ivory slide - this is a new one to me. thank you for the lolz

[–]woodbeans 10 points11 points ago

that's the sort of thing Cosmo would give as a sex tip though.

[–]jormugandr 6 points7 points ago

I love teeth with a BJ. As long as you're not biting down, a little extra texture can be nice.

[–]McFro 1 point2 points ago

To each their own man. I won't get mad or be put off unless they just go for it without asking. Sexy time is the only time I don't like surprises.

[–]synicalx1 2 points3 points ago

Nothing is worse than a gal who takes the term 'blowjob' literally.

[–]CosmicBard 0 points1 point ago

You can say 'blowjob' we promise not to tell mommy.

[–]sexualSAVANT 19 points20 points ago

My trouser snake just recoiled around my ankle in fear.

[–]FatCat433 20 points21 points ago

"If I say it went around my ankle, they'll think I have a large penis on the internet. I'm so smart."

[–]sexualSAVANT 1 point2 points ago

Large penis? Doesn't everyone's dick drag behind them on the floor. Maybe I'm not average sized after all.

[–]mclellac 39 points40 points ago

Happy Cake Day, boner puncher!

[–]DrLuvRocketMD 17 points18 points ago

Dammit, MissHillary! Get your shit together!

[–]tacos_saved_my_life 30 points31 points ago

Looks like you had a... Hard Target...

[–]Nopthebeast 9 points10 points ago

Sigh......

Yeaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh

[–]megusta_tortugas 7 points8 points ago

That seemed so... unpassionate.

[–]Nopthebeast 3 points4 points ago

God damn it...

Yeeeahhhhhhhh

[–]MrBrodoSwaggins 9 points10 points ago

Damme, that must have hurt.

[–]kinto-un 9 points10 points ago

As if he could have been more disapointed after only qualifying for the HJ.

[–]deja-vu-comment 11 points12 points ago

I get JCVD to punch my boner too! i cum evyrtim.

.

[–]xrabidx 6 points7 points ago

http://img.reversegif.com/17857.gif

Gif was reversed, here is the reversing of the reverse.

[–]zVulture 6 points7 points ago

The Reverse GIF fits the title just as much as the original!

[–]pinytenis 12 points13 points ago

ಠ_ಠ

[–]mktg_god 27 points28 points ago

That made me laugh so hard my ribs hurt.

[–]ilikehockey2 33 points34 points ago

obviously a female...

[–]DestroyerOfCakes 4 points5 points ago

Hell, I don't blame you if it was wriggling around of it's own volition like that!

[–]endymion2300 8 points9 points ago

This kills the penis

[–]xGiXe 5 points6 points ago

Jesus Hillary, I thought Bill was known for having quite the active "Bat"

[–]MisterMeatball 2 points3 points ago

Don't forget to get the eggs!

[–]DrunkNFunky 2 points3 points ago

but why "punch" it?!

[–]GrumpySteen 12 points13 points ago

Misinterpretation of the phrase "beating off"?

[–]DrunkNFunky 8 points9 points ago

that's beating "up"...

We have a zero tolerance for crotch punching in america... Unless you're on Jackass

[–]Vitor711 1 point2 points ago

I think your first mistake was punching it. Unless he specifically said he was into that sort of thing...

[–]soccersteeler 1 point2 points ago

I'm going to guess that's why Bill went with Monica.

[–]ChecksForGoneWild 1 point2 points ago

Nope

[–]AbstractCeilingFan 0 points1 point ago

This sounds familiar, my girlfriend used to think when guys "beat their meat," they literally punched their penis. Needless to say, I came to a very unpleasant realization of this.

[–]ThatIsMyHat 2 points3 points ago

I've never understood handjobs. I've had decades of practice with this sort of thing, what makes a girl think she can do it better?

[–]halfbrit08 1 point2 points ago

Looks like someone has been reading the sex tips in Cosmo.

[–]Transubstantive 1 point2 points ago

What movie is this from!?

[–]ydmwiczcni 4 points5 points ago

Hard Target

[–]funfungiguy 2 points3 points ago

This is actually is what happens if you give handjobs that way.

[–]Louiesbigass -1 points0 points ago

Haha you give hj's like my ex.

[–]mrgoddamnsam 0 points1 point ago

Why would you do that to yourself?

[–]dmellang04 0 points1 point ago

well did you get better?

[–]Kiffe_Y 1 point2 points ago

Next time , try not punching the guy's dick.

[–]cynric 1 point2 points ago

Jean-Claude Van Damme has that effect on most people.

[–]kingproz 0 points1 point ago

so true

[–]GatorsCrocsAneurysms 0 points1 point ago

Were you drunk?

[–]Velolol -1 points0 points ago

i dont get why in the movie, the guy thought to punch the snake in the first place

[–]helloamigo 0 points1 point ago

Seeing your username and then this GIF, I now understand why Bill went with Monica.

[–]GDemon666 0 points1 point ago

As a man, this scares me.

[–]Heretical_Fool 0 points1 point ago

That explains why Bill spent so much time with the interns.

[–]vinunleaded0301 0 points1 point ago

stroke it dont punch it

[–]rawheir16 0 points1 point ago

Im laughing so hard at the thought of you punching a dick during your first HJ

[–]i_am_smrt 0 points1 point ago

But it doesn't bite!

[–]Muff_Ryder 0 points1 point ago

My first girlfriend would love this one

[–]winters_night 0 points1 point ago

so, you're a dude?

[–]guns_of_navarone 0 points1 point ago

Oh Hillary Clinton, you're hilarious

[–]leastwise 0 points1 point ago

First thing you did wrong was the mullet.

[–]SuggestiveMaterial 0 points1 point ago

Why..... why did you punch it?

[–]Misturkitti 0 points1 point ago

Jean-Claude van dam with a mullet punching a rubber snake. I found this just as funny when written down.

[–]TremendousPete 0 points1 point ago

I guess I just found my girlfriends reddit account.

[–]Pre-Owned-Car 0 points1 point ago

The scene that is from is hysterical.

[–]TheMrBoJangles 0 points1 point ago

Punch it in the head....if you know what i mean

[–]symphony_41_mozart 0 points1 point ago

And that's why you don't listen to Cosmopolitans "sexperts"

[–]Mastursplyntr 0 points1 point ago

I remember that! i apologize again for going limp, but for godsakes you punched me!! i feel u should contct me, and we can try all this again, start from scratch perhaps... NO! no scratch!

[–]A_walmart_greeter -1 points0 points ago

Hmm....I have a younger cousin named Hillary. This is creepy. I'm out.

[–]Shark_McFart 0 points1 point ago

I don't see what the big deal is. That's how I get myself off.

[–]Diessel 1 point2 points ago

If Jean-Claude Van Damme punched my dick I'd probably have an erection for the rest of my life

[–]roldes 0 points1 point ago

And the lesson we've learned is that JCVD had the best mullet of all the action movie stars...

[–]Oheina 1 point2 points ago

I was taught how to give a hand job by my boyfriend a while back. He taught me with, "firmly grasp it in your hand". Honestly, he turned on Spongebob just for that..

[–]HIFW_GIFs_React_ 0 points1 point ago

[–]snoaj 0 points1 point ago

You must be an idiot.

[–]ballerina_feet -1 points0 points ago

This kills the penis.

[–]wr80 0 points1 point ago

When a girl offers me a handjob I say no thanks, I got this

[–]mendosangel 0 points1 point ago

My first hand job went pretty well but once I got a taste of giving head hand jobs seemed pointless :)

[–]DoctorsAdvocate 0 points1 point ago

This kills the penis...

[–]Gastrox 0 points1 point ago

Lillian? Is that you?

[–]VooDooPeanuts 0 points1 point ago

This made me really happy, thanks to you for such a fine example.

[–]gabezermeno 0 points1 point ago

the first thought that came to mind was your gay, not a girl, there are no girls on the internet

[–]lenovo 0 points1 point ago

so how was The Expendables 2"?

[–]rchayes89 0 points1 point ago

Punch the tip and twist it

[–]ILikeFluffyThings 1 point2 points ago

The penis is not your enemy.

[–]sarahgogo 0 points1 point ago

Nonono when in doubt distract them... touch yourself... use as handjob lubricant. They will enjoy it and probably spend the rest of their life thinking about the girl with the magical self lubricating hands