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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]Corrosivity 1497 points1498 points ago

"Come with me if you want to breed"

[–]BaconCat 980 points981 points ago

"Live with me if you want to come."

[–]ademnus 422 points423 points ago

"I won't be back."

[–]rock217 239 points240 points ago

"Hasta la vista, baby."

[–]perfekt_disguize 160 points161 points ago

"GET IN THE JETTAAA!"

[–]JayElDeee 167 points168 points ago

"Who is your daddy and what does he do?"

[–]profroy101 29 points30 points ago

"You must be inseminated"

[–]Drink_My_Sperm_Bitch 19 points20 points ago

"Everybody get down"

[–]tronn4 32 points33 points ago

Being one night standed by a T-100

[–]SpeedCola 29 points30 points ago

It's a T-1000 nanomorph mimetic poly alloy assassin. Get your Terminators right.

[–]suck_my_dick_reddit 6 points7 points ago

One night stood*

[–]backdora_da_explora 68 points69 points ago

That seems like a pretty big commitment, but okay.

[–]speaktruthiness 13 points14 points ago

Are you exploring the back door or having it explored?

[–]rerererack 14 points15 points ago

[–]SNAPPED_BONER 261 points262 points ago

"I was elected to breed, not to read."

[–]Crim91 39 points40 points ago

Boy, you are really gonna have some trouble in the breeding department.

[–]marsneedstowels 26 points27 points ago

"Go penis! Make the puny children who need you."

[–]bwswims 133 points134 points ago

You're forgetting, "Your clothes, give them to me"

[–]Situation_Defused 20 points21 points ago

...Reading through these comments has made me want to go watch Judgement Day... On Laserdisc.

[–]nermid 49 points50 points ago

I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle.

[–]seanbergmanrules 34 points35 points ago

I need your clothes, your boobs, and to motorboat you.

[–]nermid 15 points16 points ago

...Guitars don't work underwater.

Get out of there, Austrian Death Machine. You're drunk.

[–]octocock 40 points41 points ago

[–]le_fapion 2 points3 points ago

"Come with me if you want to bang"

[–]_LOne 50 points51 points ago

I like what you do with words.

[–]srry72 61 points62 points ago

we are witnessing a marvelous moment right now. Here we have the male homosapien try its mating call. It's rather smashing.

[–]Late_Night_Grumbler 52 points53 points ago

[–]threecolorless 7 points8 points ago

The way his eyes flick to the camera at the end is really what does it.

[–]backdora_da_explora 35 points36 points ago

Dat font

[–]srry72 27 points28 points ago

Do I turn you on baby!?

[–]FuCKiNTowel 14 points15 points ago

◔_◔

[–]bstampl1 29 points30 points ago

Except OP is headed to a WNBA game.

He won't find anything but lesbians.

[–]doomgoblin 41 points42 points ago

And lack of dunks

[–]lvnshm 27 points28 points ago

Good fundamentals!

[–]EquinsuOcha 4 points5 points ago

DEATH BY SNOO SNOO!

[–]JBFRESHSKILLS 698 points699 points ago

Dicknet has become self aware.

[–]Slantedinnuendo 219 points220 points ago

[–]bleakabasement 662 points663 points ago

I never really thought that I'd be the kind of guy who would let sexual desire take over my decision making processes.

When I was in college, I was so introverted that I barely left my dorm except to go to class or to get food. Walking across campus was actually terrifying for me to an extent - I felt like people were watching me.

But I guess I got bored with sitting around all the time. I knew that if I wanted to have a fighting chance at getting a decent job out of college, I was going to have to work on my people skills, too. So, I joined a photography club.

There was a girl there named Heather. Super outgoing, bubbly. You know the type. And she seemed super interested in getting me to participate in activities with her. I don't know what she saw in me, but we started dating.

Sex with her was amazing. She was like a caffeinated rabbit in bed. She came at nothing and loved fucking.

Too much Stile Project. Too much searching for deviant porn on the various filesharing services at the time. I became obsessed with anal sex.

She was a trooper. Let me explore her Hershey highway quite often. And did it with a smile.

We moved in together. She kept me from going back to the dark place of sitting around, being depressed, doing nothing. I kept her grounded. Made her do her school work. It was a pretty symbiotic relationship.

She took care of me when I got sick. I took care of her when she got sick.

She got a stomach virus one weekend. The kind that has you sitting on the toilet constantly. Wishing you could just die.

This is where my dick took over for my brain. I wanted to fuck her ass while she was still sick.

I begged. I pleaded with her. And I guess she was too tired to care any more so she just let me do my thing.

Have you ever fucked a girl with explosive diarrhea? It's actually quite amazing. Put a towel down, enter her ass. Try to stop the deluge with your dickplug.

Except having diarrhea from a sick person forced up your urethra, apparently, isn't good for you.

I got a terrible infection.

But I regret nothing.

[–]JBFRESHSKILLS 538 points539 points ago

What the fucking fuck?

[–]9-1-Holyshit 211 points212 points ago

Abandon thread

[–]rsheahen 27 points28 points ago

Patrick Bateman is that you?

[–]JBFRESHSKILLS 16 points17 points ago

[–]AoE-Priest 20 points21 points ago

this would be so much funnier if you photoshopped the red to be brown, and replaced "nope" with "yes"

[–]Mofrosho 48 points49 points ago

[–]EmpireState28 3 points4 points ago

Yeah this story's gunna be big, at least 1000 upvoted. And you saw it first.

[–]tozarian 186 points187 points ago

I knew when I saw the wall of text it would be one of these.

[–]Roboticide 66 points67 points ago

I knew it. And I read anyway.

I'll give it a 6/10. Wasn't the sudden WTF shift like we saw from bozarking or lolzcakes, but it didn't try too hard. It was pretty well done and for a 29 day old account, hopefully we'll see some good growth and development.

[–]luages 6 points7 points ago

Did you read more of his posts? Hilarious

[–]ThenThereWasReddit 5 points6 points ago

I love how sincere and forward-looking of an analysis this is.

[–]BigBrotherBacon 3 points4 points ago

I had this guy tagged as "MacGyver Dick." I guess I need to modify that.

[–]spacepirate001 27 points28 points ago

[–]CheersJr 101 points102 points ago

wat

[–]Oglop 86 points87 points ago

Never happened, don't worry.

[–]Slantedinnuendo 13 points14 points ago

But I want to believe!

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago

who would have anal without a condom?! common sense will tell you that shit would be forced up your dick hole. I guess I'm having to much hope in people again to be able to figure this out on their own.

[–]CheersJr 7 points8 points ago

Pornstars

[–]OG-panda 17 points18 points ago

ಠಠಠಠ_ಠಠಠಠ

[–]chris_bale_reaction 47 points48 points ago

[–]ra4king 18 points19 points ago

So...uh.......you two still together?

[–]a_magical_yeti 82 points83 points ago

Tagged as "diarrhea dickplug." Move along.

[–]fufdoofGOG 27 points28 points ago

Ah, you're one of those accounts I love that tell random stories.

[–]cormega 3 points4 points ago

I love their subtlety since they aren't technically novelty accounts, and you don't realize what they are until you finish reading the post. Good stuff.

[–]DucksDuck 29 points30 points ago

WHO LET 4CHAN IN HERE?!

[–]NuclearPotatoes 10 points11 points ago

Have you ever fucked a girl with explosive diarrhea?

No, bleakabasement, I haven't. But I might. Thanks to you.

[–]Bacon_Hero 7 points8 points ago

This is why I fucking love the internet.

[–]beergoggles69 15 points16 points ago

6/10 might read again.

[–]Reesch 10 points11 points ago

I won't.

[–]EasterTroll 3 points4 points ago

And then she said, "I need about tree fiddy." Then you realized she was a 500 foot crustacean from the Paleozoic era.

[–]yumagamo 9 points10 points ago

What the fuck did I just read?

[–]pinkiepieisbest 7 points8 points ago

I got an infection like that from unprotected anal with my (ex-) wife. Got an infection that went all the way up into my scrotum.

There's nothing quite like having ultrasound gel rubbed on your balls by a hot nurse, when they were doing an ultrasound of my balls to make sure it wasn't anything worse.

[–]KasumiOrgy 6 points7 points ago

I've acquired wood while visiting a doctor. She wasn't even hot, my penisbrain just assumed that ball groping = incoming sexy time. Poker faces were had by all.

[–]BennyBenasty 12 points13 points ago

Kinda making me want a sack infection right now.

[–]Fucking_That_Chicken 7 points8 points ago

You're in luck! We've got one in fresh over at /r/wtf.

Caused by excessive masturbation, no less, so you win either way.

[–]rdudejr 2 points3 points ago

This kills the fertility

[–]gregNose 1 point2 points ago

I wish you could hear the sound I made when I finished reading that.

It was something like "WWWWwwooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...."

[–]SiickNastikillr 2 points3 points ago

Didn't read it, I knew from the second I saw it that no one but a troll would put a long ass paragraph in reply to a gif.

[–]firedragonxx9832 9 points10 points ago

B-b-b-but... scieeence.

[–]AcesCharles2 41 points42 points ago

[–]bro_b1_kenobi 8 points9 points ago

Seinfeld

FTFY: Seinfeld is relevant to everything.

[–]zanmanoodle 5 points6 points ago

The show about nothing is relevant to everything.

[–]Adventurer_Ted 350 points351 points ago

I'm guessing greens are potentials, yellows considered, and reds a no way. If this is the case then I'm happy that you're giving granny there on the left a chance. Octogenarians all the way!

[–]tupac_chopra 280 points281 points ago

35 and single: a lot more green.

[–]bultonic 186 points187 points ago

And everyone is yellow.

[–]another_guy_montag 132 points133 points ago

Including buildings and vehicles

[–]BanditoRojo 18 points19 points ago

... and warm pie and milk cartons.

[–]i_already_forgot 5 points6 points ago

Especially warm pie and milk cartons.

[–]theoric 79 points80 points ago

Ohh... now i get that Coldplay song!

[–]DazzlerPlus 153 points154 points ago

All women would be presumably be lit up in yellow.

[–]Curdflappers 51 points52 points ago

That's a lot of be's

[–]pokeman7452 30 points31 points ago

Attractive women are green, all other women are yellow, everything else is red.

[–]Thomsenite 23 points24 points ago

I loled (but I'm pretty sure the reds are just dudes)

[–]codethevoid 391 points392 points ago

My CPU is a vaginal net processor; an intercourse computer.

[–]no_social_skills 116 points117 points ago

Hasta la vista, loneliness.

[–]SucculentSoap 72 points73 points ago

I need your clothes, your boots and your motorcycle.

[–]wwwbrodie 29 points30 points ago

You forgot to say "please"

[–]AstheniaRocks 20 points21 points ago

terminates you

[–]Eriden 10 points11 points ago

[–]BiRDM4N 22 points23 points ago

I have detailed files on the human anatomy.

[–]fooler2 105 points106 points ago

Simpsons did it.

[–]remnis 14 points15 points ago

What episode?

[–]Itorres1 46 points47 points ago

There's an episode that involves homer having to find a man for one of marges sisters. When looking at men he goes into a similar view.

[–]DiscordianStooge 57 points58 points ago

"Possible Homersexual."

[–]KeepSwinging 14 points15 points ago

Possible Homer Sexual

[–]samisbond 21 points22 points ago

[–]lieutenantpage 7 points8 points ago

When Homer was searching for a suitable husband for Patty. Cons: not a man.

[–]rdpulfer 108 points109 points ago

Being 30/m and single in the Midwest goes something like this.

...Acquiring target... ...Acquiring target... ...Acquiring target...

Target acquired: Female, single, with six kids.

[–]lawrence_uber_alles 33 points34 points ago

Try 30/m, single, in the Midwest and in a college town (Lawrence, KS)...there is a lot of good eye-candy but you can only talk to the girls for so long once you realize they were born after Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles came out.

[–]SeisGurl9 18 points19 points ago

God...a girl in my class today (last of my intro classes and I went to college late) said she was in second grade during 9/11. I almost said how impossible that was then I did the math and wanted to cry.

[–]lawrence_uber_alles 6 points7 points ago

Oh man, I hadn't even thought of that...I was in college at the time. Annnd now I feel even older.

[–]rdpulfer 12 points13 points ago

Yeah, I get that too.

"TMNT? Isn't that like a AC/DC song or something?"

[–]Rimm 15 points16 points ago

Move out of your podunk shit-town. Chicago, Twin Cities, Detroit, these are all places loaded with attractive women.

[–]thatoneguy889 14 points15 points ago

The problem is that where there are loads of attractive women, there are also loads of (more) attractive men for them to choose from.

[–]cultured_banana_slug 5 points6 points ago

So have more going for you than looks. Or, ratchet down the physical attractiveness standards and look for personality/intelligence/outside hobbies. You may not be able to score a 9/10 but you can snag a 6/10 who likes the same things you do and is up for a bike ride.

[–]Dsilkotch 15 points16 points ago

Let us leave the beautiful women to men with no imagination.

--Marcel Proust

[–]greenhatsftw 48 points49 points ago

lol Detroit

[–]c--b 24 points25 points ago

If you don't shoot back they won't respect you on the second date.

[–]BigBrotherBacon 6 points7 points ago

If I had to choose between getting hit in the ball sack every day for a month or moving to Detroit the decision would not even be close.

[–]stuckoverhere 2 points3 points ago

And you wont even get shot in the Twin Cities!

[–]high1186 25 points26 points ago

The Sexual Predator.

[–]moratnz 172 points173 points ago

I realised that I was becoming a grownup when my 'appreciative evaluative sweep' changed from face/hair>boobs>hips/ass to face/hair>boobs>hips/ass>left-hand-ring-finger.

[–]duckedtapedemon 47 points48 points ago

I'm 22 and its only just occurred to me I should really remember which one the ring finger is and start trying to avoid those.

[–]kamoh 19 points20 points ago

It's the LEFT finger, man. Always the LEFT finger.

Unless it's the RIGHT finger. I can never remember this crap.

[–]kcloud9 9 points10 points ago

You don't have to remember. You simply wake up one day and instinctively do it.

[–]PasDeDeux 13 points14 points ago

It scares me because I started the senior year of college. I didn't even go to a religious school or anything. Now that I'm in med school, it's gotten worse. I swear they are all married.

[–]kebo99 7 points8 points ago

if you can't get laid as a doctor, you're doing it wrong. maybe start chatting up the nurses.

[–]ducttapetricorn 2 points3 points ago

Yay fellow med student!

Apparently our classmates get snatched up fast or something. At least 90% of my class is either married, engaged, or in a relationship.

Foreveralone.jpg

[–]trauma_queen 1 point2 points ago

As a female single med student, we feel the same way :/. All the decent guys seem to be taken already!!

[–]elitedrumr 22 points23 points ago

[–]vSaUCE[!] 18 points19 points ago

"Sarah Boneher?"

[–]Seref15 17 points18 points ago

Dear Google Glass developers...

[–]ruttin_mudders 31 points32 points ago

A future app for Google Goggles.

[–]judehoffman 220 points221 points ago

How I feel being male

FTFY

[–]Curdflappers 82 points83 points ago

And hetero

[–]Look_Who_Shows_Up 75 points76 points ago

and not blind

[–]OneBigBug 48 points49 points ago

Presumably the blind would be similar, but with echolocation.

[–]Bout_It_Bout_It 16 points17 points ago

Oh shit, first time i was single in years, i had not masturbated for about three weeks after the break up.

When i finally got round to getting my libido back, my brain asked my dick "Who do you want to fuck?"

Answer?: Everyone

[–]TheGuyAboveMeSucks 37 points38 points ago

I like that Grandma is still a cautionary option

[–]ezd 69 points70 points ago

"Can you even see anything?" "I see everytang."

[–]iia 184 points185 points ago

Even when I was single and 27, I wouldn't go near a green bitch.

[–]SlickTricks 152 points153 points ago

Captain Kirk did and he came out okay.

[–]Oldmanshoutingatsky 49 points50 points ago

Went where no man had gone before. Godspeed, Tiberius.

[–]empireofnyy 11 points12 points ago

came in okay.

[–]copyandpasta 66 points67 points ago

Especially not one walking towards a WNBA event..

[–]radioshaq115 30 points31 points ago

"We no can dunk but good fundamentals. That more fun to watch."

[–]nixnaxmik 5 points6 points ago

I prefer blue

[–]Hey_Sexy_Lady 3 points4 points ago

"Outer space... I've even got a green girl" - Afroman

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WD0U2RTaIHQ

[–]Mikey-2-Guns 13 points14 points ago

As long as they aren't the 300 lb corn-fed midwestern housewives which seem to be the only women around here, fuck it.

[–]Skyblacker 53 points54 points ago

Maybe you'd have better luck if you expanded your shopping and dining beyond Wal-Mart and Golden Corral? Just sayin'.

[–]Daedatheus 15 points16 points ago

Absolutely. Organic, grass-fed 300lb midwestern housewives all the way.

[–]MeanMuggin 11 points12 points ago

this is probably why you are single.

[–]CaptainBlackstar 22 points23 points ago

Listen, and understand. That sperminator is out there. It can't be bargained with. It can't be reasoned with. It doesn't feel pity, or remorse, or fear. And it absolutely will not stop, ever, until it gets laid.

[–]Im_Scruffy 28 points29 points ago

the black people are yellow.

[–]poompt 2 points3 points ago

Doesn't that make them not black?

[–]analogkid01 15 points16 points ago

POSSIBLE RESPONSES:

YES/NO

HAVE A NICE DAY

WHAT'S YOUR SIGN?

NICE WEATHER WE'RE HAVING

FUCK YOU

FUCK YOU ASSHOLE

[–]willthewinner 15 points16 points ago

Ummm why don't the black chicks register on your racist ass software

[–]Jezio 13 points14 points ago

Modern day Eagle Vision.

[–]WarOtter 12 points13 points ago

Chance of spending the night alone wanking to /r/gonewild: 100%

[–]samurai712 3 points4 points ago

Godammit. You posted a link to GW. Guess I'm fapping.

[–]allanimalsareequal 14 points15 points ago

Being 24/f and single, I had begun to suspect I am being viewed as a 2 dimensional target/ walking vagina by guys rather than an actual human. This post and the 'at a boy' responses just confirmed it. Thanks for not making my day on reddit.

[–]Tennessee_ 43 points44 points ago

So, I'm not alone with these powers!

[–]insideman83 13 points14 points ago

PALM DRYNESS: 100%

TIME SINCE LAST FAP: 4hr 32min

MEMORISING HINDQUARTERS: MEMORISATION COMPLETED

MEMORISING FEET: 40% MEMORISED...

POTENTIAL FACEBOOOK ACCOUNTS TO STALK LATER...

[–]zackbarnaby2 26 points27 points ago

If you go to a WNBA game to meet hetero chicks... you're gonna have a bad time.

[–]HiroshimaThereashima 5 points6 points ago

Or if you go to meet any human being, for that matter

[–]Merad 20 points21 points ago

[–]KrisCraig 3 points4 points ago

30 here.

[–]iller_Shade_of_Pale 2 points3 points ago

Saaame here! exhale some people just don't understand how stressful it is.

[–]notsoinsaneguy 18 points19 points ago

At first glance this is really funny. At second glance, this is pretty gross.

[–]RozhenkosJ 6 points7 points ago

Model T-80085?

[–]nfuston 45 points46 points ago

Does that really say probabill?

[–]Twisol 24 points25 points ago

It's in the middle of writing "probability".

[–]nermid 8 points9 points ago

It's still scrolling out. We caught him mid-eval.

[–]RaelSquonk 0 points1 point ago

He's not medieval. He's futuristic!

[–]ZioTron[S] 3 points4 points ago

Probabili... {...ty : XX%}

It's still writing...

If not, the "..." would be in a new line

[–]deanf 0 points1 point ago

I'd assume a 27 year old terminator sex bot would have awful grammar

[–]justinsidebieber 12 points13 points ago

So I'm guessing you're not into black chicks?

[–]Parki2 1 point2 points ago

ive been waiting for years for someone to make one of these and you sir have set me free

[–]SheriffBart42 1 point2 points ago

You forgot the Predator targeting triangle.

[–]Corvus133 3 points4 points ago

Desperation goggles?

[–]ellolnope 3 points4 points ago

"Mating Probabili... Lol bro you wish"

[–]EDante 3 points4 points ago

Last year it suddenly hit me that I was 25, white, male, with a law degree, living in the United States at the most technologically advanced point in human history. Ever since then, I wake up every morning feeling like this

[–]Queen_LaQueefah 5 points6 points ago

Sorry, but no 27 year old straight male is going to a WNBA game

[–]bdams19 2 points3 points ago

Whenever I'm on the subway I look around the car and make note of how many of the girls I would do. Usually it's around 75%.

[–]vipersilver 3 points4 points ago

I'm 25 and also have the same issue. Except this is what it looks like for me when I'm walking around my college halls. http://i.imgur.com/CdoMv.png

[–]Memoren 2 points3 points ago

There is a bald guy set at yellow.... to the left of the two black women in yellow. Didn't know OP rolled that way.

[–]Denog 2 points3 points ago

Typically, the subject being copulated is impregnated.

[–]ZeroThroughNine 2 points3 points ago

If I stare at a girl long enough, I can make another guy appear next to her and talk/hug.

[–]theonedatgotaway 4 points5 points ago

Upvote for being 27 and happily single.

[–]nbarnacle 16 points17 points ago

Where did you get 'happily' from?

[–]SaveDonkin 2 points3 points ago

It's a numbers game dude. Just talk to every girl you have an iota of interest in. You can thank me later. Now GO!

[–]NotSoSilentK 5 points6 points ago

The law of averages! Getting persistent males laid since the dawn of time.

[–]TillyWilly 0 points1 point ago

I'm not single or male, but I always wanted some sort of program that lists all of the males in the world and then I would start narrowing down the categories, just to see how many people I would be compatible with..

  • Adult 28-50
  • Not gay
  • Would think I'm attractive
  • I don't think is gross
  • Is at least as intelligent as me
  • Speaks English or has the capacity
  • Not a Fundamentalist anything
  • Etc...

It seems like it could either be a fun game to play, or a wake-up call to how lucky I am that I actually found someone.

[–]KDRYJM 3 points4 points ago

You're basically describing an in-depth dating site. Like E-harmony, with less fundamentalism.

[–]poli2ce 3 points4 points ago

Man. Some people on here seem so desperate to settle down. As a 27/m, I highly enjoy not being tied down. Sure, lots of my friends are getting engaged and married, but what's the rush...

Don't settle and rush into something because "oh my god, I was supposed to have kids and be married in 2 years..."

[–]MissSteenie 3 points4 points ago

Hahaha boner level

[–]turtlex 118 points119 points ago

[–]rmf5092 23 points24 points ago

i know exactly what this is supposed to be sounding like, and that lizard is perfect

[–]djentlemetal 9 points10 points ago