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top 200 commentsshow all 287

[–]HostileIguana 927 points928 points ago

This is ChristWire, people. For those who might not know, it's a SATIRICAL website that makes fun of Christians and Christianity, somewhat like The Onion.

[–]melonhayes 331 points332 points ago

Thanks, I was seriously scared there for a minute.

[–]HostileIguana 70 points71 points ago

I made the same mistake of taking what they said seriously too, till I looked them up. Now I feel like an idiot for thinking they were anything but a bunch of trolls.

[–]de-inspired 19 points20 points ago

Trolls just doesn't mean what it used to does it.

[–]jesse_h 27 points28 points ago

Short angry men who live under bridges?

[–]Second_Foundationeer 2 points3 points ago

Moe?

[–]jesse_h 0 points1 point ago

Jeff?

[–]thedudeabides- 9 points10 points ago

it means acting in a particular way to incite argument, doesn't it?

[–]CaptainYoshi 2 points3 points ago

That's the most common form, but mostly trolling is just making people angry for your personal amusement.

[–]thedudeabides- 0 points1 point ago

That's my impression of what the the definition is as well. I thought I'd clear it up since I'm not sure if de-inspired was implying it was the wrong use of the word or not.

[–]ProfessorD2 1 point2 points ago

Or could it be you just don't approve of the term being used on people doing something YOU find entertaining?

[–]nilgiccas 37 points38 points ago

Not really your fault. This is satire that's funny cause there really are people who think like this lol

[–]SweetNeo85 6 points7 points ago

The day I realized that Conservapedia is actually not satirical...

[–]ashenblade 0 points1 point ago

As far as I know, it's about half and half. That's the beauty of a wiki

[–]Lampmonster1 15 points16 points ago

Poe's law.

[–]knightofmars 0 points1 point ago

It's like American politics.

[–]ArgonGryphon 1 point2 points ago

There's a difference between trolling and satire.

[–]HostileIguana 0 points1 point ago

I just didn't know what noun to use to describe them at the time I typed that response, sorry.

[–]ArgonGryphon 0 points1 point ago

It's cool, there are indeed a lot of people who see no difference.

[–]OneSilentE 17 points18 points ago

You really thought this was real? I'm christian, and I can safely say only ~5 percent of Christians would actually agree with the statement in the photo. We aren't that bad

[–]supersauce 12 points13 points ago

No, not that bad.

[–]jenkstom 18 points19 points ago

5% of 200 million people in the US is a lot of crazy. Why don't the mainstream Christians address this?

[–]found314 24 points25 points ago

we do. constantly.

Just not on reddit. we do it face to face. since its usually a private matter

[–]darklight12345 11 points12 points ago

You can find stupid and insane and fanatical in every group. Dont act like christians are the same.

[–]son-of-fire 12 points13 points ago

just look at r/athiesm

[–]whattrees 7 points8 points ago

You assume that there is a "mainstream" Christianity in America or at all. The Church is utterly divided on everything, they don't even entirely agree on the historical existence of Jesus (or at least some don't see his existence as a necessity). Whenever 200 million people get together, they are not likely to agree on anything, and there will always be extremists. Modern Christianity does not have a set government that could make a statement against things like this. The closest thing to it would be the Pope, and many Evangelicals and Protestants don't even think he is a Christian. They are like the Tea Party and the Occupy Movement; since they refuse to establish a firm governing body or firm set of beliefs they are a haven for extremists. Until they fix that, no one will take them seriously and they will continue to get a bad rap when crazy people do crazy things in the name of relatively sane concepts.

[–]roycastle 1 point2 points ago

I want people to respect my right to believe in God the way I do so even though they're batshit I respect other peoples' rights to believe the way they do even if it includes freely expressing these kind of batshit opinions (non satirically) as long as they're not violating someone else's rights.

So that's why we don't.

[–]boredextremely 0 points1 point ago

Why the fuck are you being downvoted? Would someone who downvoted this guy come and explain it to me? He not only presented an intelligent position, he answered the guys question.

[–]atypicaldude 2 points3 points ago

Just because something is believed doesn't mean it should be respected, and if someone's beliefs are batsht crazy, they should be seen as batshit crazy, not as infallible personal beliefs.

If I said "Instead of school, my children will learn about life by playing the entire Final Fantasy series on the original consoles the way they were meant to be played. This is where the truest knowledge will come from."

Nobody would say, "I greatly respect his belief in the truth of Final Fantasy and don't want to offend his lifestyle. He should be allowed his belief and his I shouldn't judge his beliefs, or try to intervene on behalf of his children."

They'd call a social worker.

The same should be said for people with batshit crazy ideas in mainstream religions.

[–]roycastle 1 point2 points ago

Notice I added the following stipulation: "... as long as they're not violating someone else's rights." No parent has the right to do anything like what you described. Parents do, however, have the right to restrict which activities their children take part in per the original hypothetical situation.

Unless someone else has a better reason you may simply assume that the downvotes, boredextremely, are reddit's involuntary hive-mind responses to the stimuli of one admitting one's belief in God.

[–]otakucode 0 points1 point ago

No one cares what people believe if they're not violating other peoples rights (well, except nutjobs). The problem is, they violate other peoples rights and proclaim that they're not. They force children to attend church, for example, giving them no choice in the matter and taking actions to prevent the children from learning that there are more correct views out there. Satire only works if its believable. If it treads that edge of 'hmm.. is that real..?' And this post treads that line quite accurately because there are a great deal of people who don't simply limit their beliefs to 'I will believe as I wish, but not act to control anyone elses'. In fact, they are the vast majority. It is rare to the point of near nonexistence to find a person of any faith that does not indoctrinate their children... and really, its endemic to the faith. If you actually DO believe it, then you also have to believe that it would be immoral to fail to indoctrinate children.

[–]roycastle 0 points1 point ago

Your operational definition of indoctrination seems to include forcing someone to follow a religion. Indoctrination merely implies teaching someone the tenants of a religion. Children are likely to believe anything you teach them so is this forcing religion on them in a roundabout way? Maybe so, but just the same as anything else you teach them. Do we have a right to feed our children bacon if by doing so we train them to eat too much bacon and suffer negative health affects? No, we feed them bacon and acknowledge that some day they will know enough to make their own decisions about the appropriate role of bacon in their life. Same with religion. It is by no means a violation of a person's rights to be taught a religion at a young age. If in the course of their life they blindly follow what they've been taught without serious investigation and a commitment to apply their own mental faculties to that faith then they will simply have this not-that-into-it spirituality like most "Christians" in developed nations. If indoctrination is served with discouragement against this kind of critical thought then it is wrong and I think you are generalizing that the two always go together, and in a large part you are correct, but it is not necessarily so. It isn't the way I was indoctrinated. My parents taught me about their faith and then they let me struggle with making it my own thing instead of just forcing me to do it no matter how I felt about it. The group that you are accusing of raising their children this way, however, remains ambiguous, as our original example is satirical.

[–]goofymilk 2 points3 points ago

Meh, I didn't think it was that big of a deal. I don't know anyone that believes this sort of thing, and if I ever did, they would most likely be extremely old. So why not live and let live? They're not going to hurt anyone.

[–]Vilvos 8 points9 points ago

They vote.

[–]Talarot 0 points1 point ago

Jehovah's Whitnesses certainly are; LETS RIDE BIKES!

[–]uhohdynamo 0 points1 point ago

I don't really 'get it.' Your entire website is devoted to fake shit you made up to make Christians look bad. You got nothing better to dwell on? Because at this point, that's a little obsessive to me. Chill the fuck out, and worry about your own problems. Your site blows, and not one religion in this world needs people picking on it because that person doesn't like it. Not your fucking choice dude, it's someone else's way of life.

[–]OneSilentE 0 points1 point ago

That sight isn't mine, it's a troll website

[–]uhohdynamo 0 points1 point ago

Lol sorry, I know that. Just got wrapped up in what I was saying, kept saying "you," haha.

[–]BobIV 0 points1 point ago

And I can safely say that ~%85.3 of all statistics are made up on the spot.

[–]Chryton 0 points1 point ago

You obviously have not dealt with many southern/missoinary baptists.

[–]BulletRaves -1 points0 points ago

Me too.

[–]alfonzo830 0 points1 point ago

I was scared there was a group that aimed at protecting children from Final Fantasy.

[–]Nincro 3 points4 points ago

Isn't it based on stuff that's actually happened? But just the extreme version of it?

Like the Onion or /r/ Circlejerk?

[–]HostileIguana 1 point2 points ago

Depending on the article. Some are complete bullshit and totally made up, but others, like The Onion, take real, actual events/issues and find a way to make fun of it or the people involved or their opinions or whatever. Unsurprisingly, most articles are about TV shows, music, video games, movies and politicians; stuff that's controversial anyways. It's just all played for laughs.

[–]Nincro 0 points1 point ago

Thanks for the quick reply.

[–]ToubaboKoomi 10 points11 points ago

The image was from a very real series of PSA's about abuse.

[–]CaptainDickbag 15 points16 points ago

Borrowed and modified by Christwire.

[–]ToubaboKoomi 4 points5 points ago

Yep.

[–]xSPYXEx 4 points5 points ago

I read that as TSA and it still had the same effect.

[–]pdmcmahon 0 points1 point ago

Both involve inappropriate touching?

[–]PaulMcGannsShoes 1 point2 points ago

As soon as I saw this I looked for Christwire or The Onion logo.

[–]AllMustSuffer 1 point2 points ago

Thanks for that. Eyes are now open.

[–]Rape_Sandwich -3 points-2 points ago

Are you honestly going to take something from "rational wiki" at face value?

[–]SweetNeo85 0 points1 point ago

I don't believe that was suggested, no.

[–]Sulgoth 2 points3 points ago

Without your input I would have thought that the US would have brought something out that was more WTF than something Japan could do.

[–]hawthorneluke 0 points1 point ago

They often do, depending on how you look at things and who you see as their representatives. Same with any country I guess.

[–]TheCarbonthief 1 point2 points ago

That doesn't explain how and why a human being came up with this... even satirically...

[–]ForeverInsomnia 0 points1 point ago

We're not all like that. I realize that you probably already know this, I just felt the need to tell you anyways. It's kind of like when your wife asks you to hold her purse. You realize that everyone is assuming it's your wife's, but you just want to tell everyone who sees you "This isn't mine. It's my wife's."

[–]LtlAnalDwlngButtMnky 1 point2 points ago

Thank Cid this isn't real.

(Was just thinking, he's in almost all world, is a different being every time, Cid is a god among men... plus he's ruggedly handsome... so he's jesus too... with fresh breath...)

[–]CosmicJ 1 point2 points ago

Even as an oglop. Bless that man and his airships.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

I was about to comment, "Sometimes I wonder if these are serious people of just someone who knows how to use photoshop?" Thanks for answering my question.

[–]krshelton 1 point2 points ago

Yea, that website is funny but it is these type of satirical ads that don't make atheists any better then the crazy fundies. We are better then stooping to that level.

[–]MattyD123 0 points1 point ago

Seriously that is just fucking weird. I'm not even sure who or what it's supposed to be satirizing.

[–]the_dogma 0 points1 point ago

Thank goodness. I was completely baffled. Moreso by the fact that there existed a Christian group against Final Fantasy.

Actually, come to think of it that really wouldn't surprise me.

[–]Shintasama 0 points1 point ago

My friend wasn't allowed to play FFVIII because you could summon Diablo.... ~_~;

[–]brkello 0 points1 point ago

Rage all gone now. Thank you!

[–]XOvertureX 0 points1 point ago

So it is fake? I spent a long time trying to figure out if serious or trolls.

[–]hablomuchoingles -1 points0 points ago

Can't we just have a satirical website that makes fun of all forms of belief, even atheism, equally and without giving a shit about whom they'd piss off? We could call it, and this is just a working title, "South Park". Would anyone care to expand on this idea?

[–]jigga19 0 points1 point ago

I'm still befuddled by the fact that so many people don't know CW is a joke. I guess it's a testament to their realism and the readers willingness to believe that most Christians are really this nuts.

[–]AdmiralSkippy 0 points1 point ago

Thank you for explaining.

The sad thing is though, even after I know this I would probably be fooled time and time again by these people as this isn't that far off from some of the zany shit some Christians will do/say. It's like they're their own parody most of the time.
At least with The Onion while they deliver their stories brilliantly like the real deal, the stories always pass the bar of "Well this has to be fake." Like this one

[–]aboardthegravyboat 1 point2 points ago

came to make sure the top comment said SATIRE. just proves you can always count on a hostile iguana to get the job done

[–]HostileIguana 0 points1 point ago

Thanks :D I would hate for people to take a post like this seriously because they didn't see/don't know what CW is really all about.

[–]DieterTheHorst 1 point2 points ago

My favorite Cristwire Article is the one about Mass Effect three
So hilarious!

[–]xSPYXEx 5 points6 points ago

In Mass Erect, an otherwise good Christian man is sent to defend humanity from the “Rapers,” a race of massive dildo machines intent on fornicating with every man, woman and child. In fact, all life is being raped in order to continue their species.

-a race of massive dildo machines-

Oh god, I lost it so hard right there.

[–]DieterTheHorst 0 points1 point ago

. The makers of the game, “Bioware” (which sounds like a CONDOM company), are located in a SOCIALIST Scandinavian country of sin, Canada. It’s no surprise Canadians would make such a disgusting game to insult us believers.

I think that is my favorite part, the condom company in the socialist scandinavian country of Canada.

[–]ghebert001 -2 points-1 points ago

When you read The Onion, you know it's satire. You know that shit like can't possibly be true but with ChristWire...some Christian denomination ARE that fucked up so something like in the OP is totally believable unless you already know in advance that it's just satire.

[–]RICH_LITTLE 118 points119 points ago

Thank you for alerting me to this website. I've just found my new favorite pie chart of all time

[–]dontlemmedown 48 points49 points ago

I just snorted Arnold Palmer all over my computer. I just played Skyrim, but I don't feel any more homosexual than normal. WHAT IF I'M ALREADY TOO FAR GONE?!

[–]tells_bad_jokes 14 points15 points ago

A while back, christwire claimed skrillex was Latin for " homosexual satan wasp".

[–]SelcouthBadger 1 point2 points ago

I just found a new insult.

[–]sneezes_with_pancake 34 points35 points ago

And now I'm on the FBI watch list,...again. Thanks ChristWire.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]sneezes_with_pancake 4 points5 points ago

I've been good. Honest!

[–]deadly_inhale 2 points3 points ago

Then explain your lifetime ban from IHOP.

[–]sneezes_with_pancake 2 points3 points ago

That was completely unrelated and I'd rather not talk about it...

[–]dzamie 1 point2 points ago

Hey man, that shouldn't count. That French Toast was comin' on to me, with all that powdered sugar and syrup.

[–]Ducksaucenem 1 point2 points ago

.... go on.

[–]FBI_watch_team 2 points3 points ago

This.

[–]shutupjoey 1 point2 points ago

Keep it up, soon you'll be front page material.

[–]sneezes_with_pancake 0 points1 point ago

You think?! daydreams about all that karma

[–]baalsitch 37 points38 points ago

TIL sex scented hands play FF.

[–]2muffins 1 point2 points ago

sex scented hands hands touch her in a non friendly manner

As opposed to what? Sex scented hands touching her in a friendly manner?

[–]yutsi 7 points8 points ago

[–]namith 4 points5 points ago

Christwire is satirical, so the opinion doesn't bother me, but the picture! WTF?

[–]dnicholsonb 5 points6 points ago

[–]cburta 3 points4 points ago

There's only 97 hands...where are the other three?!?

[–]Gawdzillers 11 points12 points ago

[–]virtyy 0 points1 point ago

Up inside places

[–]james9075 4 points5 points ago

christwire is satirical. just go on there and search for skyrim jobs, you'll get the message

[–]LeJuicebox 2 points3 points ago

ChristWire strikes again...

[–]bradythemonkey 1 point2 points ago

Christwire us a mock Christian website aimed at making Christians look radical.

[–]v_soma 3 points4 points ago

It's a mock Christian website aimed at mocking certain aspects of Christianity. Nobody needs to make Christians look radical when so many do it on their own.

[–]Areyoumyfriend 8 points9 points ago

Anyone else notice the pedobear in the background?

[–]DeepRoot 3 points4 points ago

Good find!

[–]PotatoPotahto 0 points1 point ago

The teddybear? Or is there an actual pedobear somewhere?

[–]lafkak 5 points6 points ago

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

Go home, religion, you're drunk

[–]sanwaparts 7 points8 points ago

DAE think this is a great picture, minus the text?

[–]BreadstickNinja 9 points10 points ago

You should crop and make it your desktop background.

[–]EmptyAndFrantic 3 points4 points ago

It actually makes me very uncomfortable...

[–]dwightmoody 7 points8 points ago

I believe that is the point. It's a very effective image.

[–]LilTrins -1 points0 points ago

DAE Pedophile?

[–]sanwaparts 0 points1 point ago

Do you not think the picture can be appreciated for its own artistic value?

[–]jpro8 2 points3 points ago

I assume that christwire.com was trying to attract pedos to their site??

[–]tdn 1 point2 points ago

This must be a piss-take, any references?

[–]AnonymousRev 4 points5 points ago

[FIXED] feel free to reupload in the right place, Reddit never likes my shit anyway.

http://imgur.com/fXQT1

[–]Slushi 1 point2 points ago

Idk about you guys but...a cape of hands could be useful.

[–]cydisc11895 2 points3 points ago

I don't play FF, but now I want to.

[–]unireed 2 points3 points ago

666 karma...cannot...upvote

[–]TXMount 2 points3 points ago

...as opposed to having hundreds of sex-scented hands touch you in a friendly manner.

<sigh> ahhh, New Orleans.

[–]Two_Oceans_Eleven 2 points3 points ago

I guess black people don't play Final Fantasy.

[–]wallesdad 2 points3 points ago

Anybody else unintentionally let a "what the fuck?" out before reading the comments?

[–]BeautifulGreenBeast 2 points3 points ago

This is indeed worthy of r/WTF.

[–]Beeeeaaaars 2 points3 points ago

My hand is the top left one.

[–]ieatflies -1 points0 points ago

wow. just wow.

[–]Dr_Packenwood -1 points0 points ago

Fuck. Ill play Final Fantasy standing with one leg on the coffee table then.

[–]frapo -1 points0 points ago

That would be the coolest cape....

[–]d3pd 1 point2 points ago

Haha! I love satire about religion. Here's a good one by the BBC: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-19535090

[–]Porjin 0 points1 point ago

The original is a (spanish?) advertisement about domestic abuse and the like.

[–]FB242 2 points3 points ago

Italian

[–]shadofx 0 points1 point ago

air freshener.. now coming in sex new scents.

[–]LUBE_IT_UP 0 points1 point ago

I've never played Final Fantasy, but I'm preeettttyyyyy sure it's nothing like that...

[–]PhantomV48 0 points1 point ago

Best Yankee Candle ever!

[–]fourtrickpony 0 points1 point ago

Final Fantasy made me really, really good at math

[–]poonslyr69 0 points1 point ago

strange.... my hands never smell like sex when I touch little girls who play final fantasy...

[–]somethin121 0 points1 point ago

That literally made me sick to my stomach.

[–]TheFerretman 0 points1 point ago

Can't accept their message, but it's a heck of an ad.

[–]buttfaces 0 points1 point ago

what so bad about final fantasy?

[–]voxxy 0 points1 point ago

It always seems strange to men when I see people reacting to christwire but then I remember my first reaction to it.

[–]PropsNPowder 1 point2 points ago

Christwire has a pretty hilarious article about Reddit & r/Gonewild. Check it out.

[–]kira6384 -1 points0 points ago

Repost

[–]DarkXlll 0 points1 point ago

My god... so all those childhood hours... I've been molested all along?

[–]RAW_C_POPPA -1 points0 points ago

I can see her right nipple!

[–]PigFarmington 0 points1 point ago

Final Fantasy?

[–]leveraction1970 0 points1 point ago

Sex scented hands? Anyone? I have absolutely no clue what that is supposed to mean. I can't be the only one.

[–]sociomaladaptivist -1 points0 points ago

Hot!

[–]yall_cray 0 points1 point ago

i like her dress.

[–]intensive-porpoise 1 point2 points ago

Some of those hands are just touching other hands, and that has to just feel creepy for those ones.

[–]suckthisdeth 0 points1 point ago

people posting christwire to wtf at this point deserve the banhammer.

[–]TheJigen -1 points0 points ago

my thoughts exactly: clicks link, sees picture reads text: What The Fuck

[–]Kargexdestroyer 0 points1 point ago

well that.......wel......scientology?

[–]brainlechuga 0 points1 point ago

Thanks for helping me fap

[–]Nightmathzombie 0 points1 point ago

Feeding your children peanut butter is like raping a nun.

[–]avision 1 point2 points ago

Who distributed this? What company or organization I mean?

[–]Godofslack 0 points1 point ago

As a man with sex scented hands, I can confirm that I and all my kin do, in fact, molest every child who has played Final Fantasy, with no exceptions; everyone gets one. We are truly monstrous beings, we are also homosexual. We are what goes bump in your children's room at the night, giggity.

[–]therealjgreens 0 points1 point ago

I once saw an article from ChristWire where the author was talking about how evil Bill Murray is. I read it from front to back and thought the dude was fucking insane. Turns out ChristWire is a troll website. Thank God! (see the irony in that last statement?)

[–]PerpetualDick 0 points1 point ago

see the irony in that last statement?

No, but I see the irony in your existence...

[–]therealjgreens 0 points1 point ago

thanks, dick

[–]PerpetualDick 0 points1 point ago

You're welcome, jgreens.

[–]uRabbit 0 points1 point ago

Cause Final Fantasy is just that... o.O

[–]geoffnolan 1 point2 points ago

Final FHANDtasy. Ahuh.

[–]silent_p 0 points1 point ago

I think I remember seeing this ad before, but with different text.

[–]twist3dfear 0 points1 point ago

The title nailed my reaction to this picture right on the head.

[–]learntofart 1 point2 points ago

There actually is a friendly manner for hundreds of sex scented hands to touch a young naked girl?

[–]themanbat 1 point2 points ago

If they are talking about Final Fantasy 13, then I agree.

[–]JakeTheHawk 1 point2 points ago

Lady Gaga's younger years.

[–]bangupjobasusual 0 points1 point ago

WHAT. edit: oh.

[–]nconan 0 points1 point ago

So... that means there's nothing wrong with it, right?

[–]joethulhuz -1 points0 points ago

In case anyone else is wondering, the website advertised is purely a parody. I went there enraged at this stupid picture months ago, and found an extremely funny parody of the extreme right-wing Christian media. I definitely recommend it.

[–]dauntlessmath 0 points1 point ago

[–]rikashiku 0 points1 point ago

So its fake.

[–]murderfap 0 points1 point ago

I feel bad for the girl who had to pose in that pic

[–]Quaternions -1 points0 points ago

WTF is right. Wow.

[–]Redd_October -1 points0 points ago

[–]AliasUndercover 0 points1 point ago

Those horrible, evil people at ChristWire! Don't they know that gives religion a bad name!!! ...wait.

[–]JustAWonderfulMan 1 point2 points ago

Holy shit christwire is satire. Fuck you reddit

[–]goobliscious -1 points0 points ago

This is literally made me say what the fuck?

[–]sdoodle -2 points-1 points ago

Manicures for all them hands is gonna be costly.... Group discount?