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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]TheNerdWithNoName 610 points611 points ago

You should be a model.

[–]MEINCOMP 382 points383 points ago

You should find yourself a name, nerd.

[–]NotaMethAddict 780 points781 points ago

Haha! You can read his username!

[–]Delvez 203 points204 points ago

Yeah, and i can read yours. Youre the guy who used to do meth, but quit?

[–]Barchen 179 points180 points ago

He still does it, he's just not addicted. He can stop anytime he wants to.

[–]NotaMethAddict 260 points261 points ago

I quit like 20 times today.

[–]GTAking33 50 points51 points ago

You should write a book! It would save lives... I think

[–]ratajewie 64 points65 points ago

The first step isn't admitting you have a problem. It's doing meth. A TON of fucking meth. Just like, sooooooo much meth.

[–]NotaMethAddict 44 points45 points ago

Step one: ☑

[–]doctorj1 131 points132 points ago

I had a friend addicted to brake fluid. It was sad but he said he could stop at anytime.

[–]Birdie_Num_Num 54 points55 points ago

I had a friend who has a pasta fetish. He's feeling cannelloni right now

[–]ColouredPants 23 points24 points ago

I feel like a bad person for laughing at this.

[–]qzwx 38 points39 points ago

I think I know your friend.

I dated a teacher for about a year. She was submissive as hell in bed. It drove me absolutely wild.

She loved fettucine alfredo. I mean absolutely loved the stuff. She would eat it for breakfast and save the leftovers for lunch every day. We’d go to a local Italian restaurant and she’d order the fucking fettucine alfredo every time. I never questioned it because she was fucking gorgeous and I was lucky to be dating her.

Eventually, we moved in together. She would do the grocery shopping and would come home with 10 boxes of fettucine. Her obsession became worse and worse. I began asking her about it and she’d avoid the topic. We’d have arguments about it. Me screaming about it not being healthy to eat that all the time, her saying something muffled because my dick was in her mouth.

So one day, I came home early from work. I heard her in the bathroom, so I walked back there and opened the door to surprise her. She shrieks, jumps out of the bathtub, grabs a towel. “It’s just me,” I say. She looks mortified.

… and then I see the pasta sliding down her leg. At first, just a little, but then large chunks of thick fettucine. It starts making splashing sounds and I’m horrified that her vagina can hold such a large amount of pasta.

I should have been mad or at least disgusted. But I wasn’t. I was more attracted to her at that point than I ever had been. I run toward her, rip the towel off, and immediately stick my fist into her pasta-laden cunt. I couldn’t tell if she was wet or the pasta was just beyond al-dente. It didn’t fucking matter.

We fucked like rabbits. Every time I pulled out, more pasta. It was absolutely amazing.

Exhausted, I look over at her. No fettucine for dinner tonight. I felt like chicken. Like Chicken Tonight. Chicken Tonight.

[–]Birdie_Num_Num 28 points29 points ago

I have the weirdest carbonara right now

[–]OM4E098 7 points8 points ago

Who needs "50 Shades of Grey" when we have this.

[–]LiterallyOblivious 0 points1 point ago

Oh cool, you know how to copy and paste!

[–]thesilverblade 4 points5 points ago

Ha that's punny.

[–]NotaMethAddict 182 points183 points ago

Define "quit..."

[–]J4k0b42 84 points85 points ago

We have a debater here.

[–]kidenraikou 101 points102 points ago

But not just any debater... He's a MASTER debater!!

[–]Curdflappers 61 points62 points ago

Thought he wath a Math debater but I gueth he leveled up

[–]megustadotjpg 15 points16 points ago

He wants to grow...up to be...be a DEBATER! DEBATER

[–]horse_and_buggy 5 points6 points ago

And surely a cunning linguist too

[–]mechchic84 0 points1 point ago

Im gonna be the masterbater tonight ohh wait...

[–]NotaMethAddict 30 points31 points ago

Then no.

[–]ShouldBeZZZ 21 points22 points ago

How bored do you get having the same conversations about your novelty name every day?

[–]NotaMethAddict 29 points30 points ago

Every day I get anywhere from 0-50 messages making a joke about my username, depending on how much I comment. I really didn't think it was going to be this bad when I made the account, but here we are.

It gets old.

[–]lizlegit000 7 points8 points ago

:I well... At least you're enjoying life, right? Right??

[–]Turumarth 4 points5 points ago

:(

[–]Delvez 9 points10 points ago

What I do at every job within 2 weeks at my bosses request

[–]3_snaps_up 9 points10 points ago

If you tell your stressed out, strung out, overworked boss who is ignoring you to the point that you can't do your job that he's an asshole to his face, in fact, in front of all your co-workers, because you used to have his job and your job, and the job of about three extra guys they hired, and you did it much much better, and then he puts off firing you for another two days and only manages to schedule the meeting to fire you because you refused to come in until he stopped canceling your goddamn meetings, proving beyond a shadow of a doubt that you are hilariously correct, were you fired or did you quit?

[–]eastcoastelijah 4 points5 points ago

He's not an addict, he can quit any time he wants.

[–]Jasonlovestummyrub 11 points12 points ago

Guys guys, cant we just all rub each others tummies and work this out?

[–]rach1251 10 points11 points ago

He's so beautiful, he could be part-time model.

[–]KeepJerseyDirty 54 points55 points ago

What is this from? One of the best GIFs I've ever seen.

[–]yottington 64 points65 points ago

It... it appears to be... original content. I am as shocked as you are.

[–]AndyJarosz 100 points101 points ago

My backyard! In 60 frames per second! He acts too!

[–]ThatJesterJeff 10 points11 points ago

What camera did you use?

[–]AndyJarosz 16 points17 points ago

Panasonic GH1. Hacked, Canon FD lenses.

Not just for this shot, obviously...we were shooting other things and he jumped in the pool.

[–]ThatJesterJeff 5 points6 points ago

So that isn't you in the gif? Regardless, I want to see more! Appreciate the response.

[–]AndyJarosz 19 points20 points ago

[–]Mudokon_Tears 11 points12 points ago

lol at the magazine clip sound effect @ 1:20ish. Sounds like you threw a cowbell.

DINK...DINK

[–]notsurewhatiam 5 points6 points ago

So you mean to tell me that this is OC!?

OMFG it's original content on Reddit!

Guise!

Guise!

It's actual OC on reddit guise!

[–]Mnawab 35 points36 points ago

[–]CactusInaHat 10 points11 points ago

The stare. It's so long.

[–]livejamie 15 points16 points ago

No glasses?

[–]AndyJarosz 2 points3 points ago

Simply incredible.

[–]pingwing 7 points8 points ago

so hawt

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]raggs75 5 points6 points ago

What are we gonna do with you, Andy?

[–]Yoyo8 2 points3 points ago

So..so majestic. Like a bird or something.

[–]Jawthumb 2 points3 points ago

I want to be your friend.

[–]Phayet 251 points252 points ago

Ive got one of those too! http://i.imgur.com/uR9AH.jpg

[–]DrDragun 347 points348 points ago

[–]noneviljen 20 points21 points ago

Eat me!

[–]Roboticide 66 points67 points ago

Oh 90's, how I miss thee.

[–]GeorgeWalkerKush 18 points19 points ago

DAE 90s kid?

[–]KallistiEngel 24 points25 points ago

No, nobody else 90s kids.

[–]Zioneye 22 points23 points ago

I imagined a dolphin call and then laughed.

[–]ThisisIp 3 points4 points ago

Flawless

[–]NotRichBarr 6 points7 points ago

I don't know if you're Mary, but you shouldn't post facebook photos like that.

[–]BrandyonTX 172 points173 points ago

[–]ninjashorty 25 points26 points ago

Yup, he's my boyfriend... in my dreeeeams. I like when my men look like Nordic Gods.

[–]noahjk 27 points28 points ago

Clay Matthews for the lazy

[–]DotaLoveless 28 points29 points ago

Fucking boss for the uninformed.

[–]Helpfulandattractive 81 points82 points ago

0-1 for those of us keeping track.

[–]2LabsGuy 19 points20 points ago

Let's not talk about it ok!?

[–]photoknut 8 points9 points ago

As a niners fan, I couldn't be happier about today.

[–]Laughorism 22 points23 points ago

I know the girl who took the picture on the right... She posted a ton of similar pictures in one album, and they're all equally as hilarious

[–]meeshamai 21 points22 points ago

She's my sister... Who are you? o:

[–]Laughorism 11 points12 points ago

Conrad's sister! :D

[–]meeshamai 7 points8 points ago

YES! Heehee. I am the person in that.

[–]mbrodge 3 points4 points ago

Hey now, let's not get all defensive. Lots of people know your sister now. It's a new and awful world for you, brother.

[–]hiyou102 3 points4 points ago

She's my brother....Who are you?

[–]nuxenolith 7 points8 points ago

But who was phone?

[–]Kenmaster151 108 points109 points ago

Mine from when I had long hair.
http://i.imgur.com/WQoyR.jpg

[–]seymour47 123 points124 points ago

This one has nicer tits.

[–]Kenmaster151 63 points64 points ago

Thanks, douche bag.

[–]seymour47 30 points31 points ago

Oh come now. Was just a joke.

[–]Kenmaster151 27 points28 points ago

Ily

[–]sambotage 2 points3 points ago

Most impressive sir!

[–]drewbert1 224 points225 points ago

How about this one? http://imgur.com/tB5Qr

[–]rhythmguy 67 points68 points ago

Where is that?

[–]JaminThaGreat 116 points117 points ago

Who is that?

[–]FuCKiNTowel 17 points18 points ago

touche

[–]shadowdsfire 12 points13 points ago

coulé

[–]TheCantalopeAntalope 26 points27 points ago

soufflé

[–]edmcbride 35 points36 points ago

And my axe!

[–]nikkukun 24 points25 points ago

Is that who?

[–]Dominus-Temporis 148 points149 points ago

This is dog.

[–]jdtix 46 points47 points ago

No, this is Patrick.

[–]FuCKiNTowel 9 points10 points ago

Billy Mayes here

[–]mynameisdog4 8 points9 points ago

How many times do I have to tell you people that you are not dog. I am dog.

[–]the_fancy_walrus 5 points6 points ago

Nope, actually your name is dog4.

[–]drewbert1 15 points16 points ago

Philippines

[–]rhythmguy 3 points4 points ago

Is that you?

[–]theorganicpanic 62 points63 points ago

I think this is cooler.

[–]dawgiesman1 31 points32 points ago

It just looks like someone spread black and grey metallic paint over the picture. Go ahead and look at it long enough, you will see it.

[–]kernelhappy 21 points22 points ago

You obviously don't know what you're doing, that came out right.

[–]iampaven 116 points117 points ago

I'm not really that good at it either http://i.imgur.com/5Hz6e.jpg

[–]davep85 125 points126 points ago

NSFW, I see nipples.

[–]iampaven 456 points457 points ago

[–]noircat 32 points33 points ago

Thanks for having the decency to cover those nips!

[–]AngeredByStatistics 13 points14 points ago

this is beautiful, thank you

[–]AcousticHigh 14 points15 points ago

Fuck you. Those weren't the nipples I was looking for.

[–]lCHANCHOl 43 points44 points ago

But they are the nipples you deserve.

[–]Lizardizzle 2 points3 points ago

But not the ones he wants.

[–]oogieogie 4 points5 points ago

oh yeah thats what i like to see.

[–]mwishosimba 323 points324 points ago

[–]brnldz 49 points50 points ago

[–]jennifera13 14 points15 points ago

This made me burst into a little laugh

[–]jx84 2 points3 points ago

This made me laugh for half a second.

[–]thetobester 35 points36 points ago

[–]dimer0 66 points67 points ago

Congrats! Which one did you nail?

[–]BlueThundah 108 points109 points ago

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!!!

[–]NotaMethAddict 111 points112 points ago

SHE DID THE MASH!

SHE DID THE MONSTER MASH!

[–]BushwickPhill 19 points20 points ago

EVERY ONE IS YELLING AND I CANT HANDLE THE PRESSURE OF MAKING SHORT BUT FUNNY COMMENTS

[–]ohhok 26 points27 points ago

I don't know why anyone thought hair actually separates when wet like in the left picture.

[–]sambotage 29 points30 points ago

I've honestly never put any thought into it.

[–]NinjaScenester 12 points13 points ago

Even I can see the clone stamp used to double, if not triple, the amount of hair she has

[–]Title_Originality 561 points562 points ago

0/10

Reason:
Nailed it.

[–]shitty_titler 370 points371 points ago

Sorry guys, I had a hand in naming this one.

[–]Title_Originality 266 points267 points ago

NEMESIS DETECTED
Plotting . . .

[–]Metasheep 65 points66 points ago

Route plotted. Proceed 600ft and turn left at the guy.

[–]Archer007 29 points30 points ago

RECALCULATING

[–]jaydotelloh 8 points9 points ago

When possible, make a legal u-turn

[–]flying-sheep 8 points9 points ago

Then commence liftoff.

[–]Clue57 16 points17 points ago

Definitely pronounced your name more like "Hitler."

[–]Ianbuckjames 5 points6 points ago

You're a titler who's as bad as Hitler. A Hitler titler, if you will.

[–]stillnotking 52 points53 points ago

The title is actually elemental anti-originality, and is very dangerous. If this title came in contact with a Pollock painting, Gaiman novel or Miyazaki cartoon, the resulting explosion would annihilate the universe.

Don't take chances, people. Downvote unoriginal titles and content!

[–]SirAuron 6 points7 points ago

It doesn't make sense. The post itself was pretty funny, but we have to downvote because of a stupid title. I think that is a bit unfair.

[–]RedditCommentCritic 35 points36 points ago

Funny, insightful and slightly scientific in an /r/shittyaskscience kind of way, this underrated comment is a delightful addition to an already entertaining thread.

☆☆☆★★

Edit: wrong subreddit

[–]Banana_For_Brains 9 points10 points ago

What is this /r/askshittyscience and why is it not /r/shittyaskscience?

[–]RedditCommentCritic 15 points16 points ago

Oops? Both are valid subreddits, but the one I originally named is just less popular.

*This comment, while attempting to be helpful, was unfortunately misinformed. The sentiment was not lost however.

☆☆★★★

[–]wolfimus 7 points8 points ago

I'm sort of disappointed that you didn't critique his correction.

[–]RedditCommentCritic 9 points10 points ago

Happy? Note: I will not rate your comment because there is nothing to rate. Unless you want a one star review, which can be arranged.

[–]KablooieKablam 3 points4 points ago

I suggest using the filled in stars as "given" stars, and using the outline stars as "empty" stars. It seems more intuitive.

[–]Bluewind55 0 points1 point ago

Although its a overused title I think it fits here perfectly

[–]Numb3r_6 7 points8 points ago

Judging by that face, the thought going through her head was "Jeezus fucking christ, this river is fucking freezing! Fuck!"

[–]One_More_Comment 85 points86 points ago

Her face made me laugh way too hard.

[–]alookercalledhooker 190 points191 points ago

[–]l30 194 points195 points ago

[–]TheAdeptMoron 208 points209 points ago

Of course why wouldnt that link be purple

[–]Pepp_Pepp 55 points56 points ago

the camera pan makes this.

[–]chaos_is_me 28 points29 points ago

Dat angle

[–]dltracrn 25 points26 points ago

Dat dangle.

[–]greatunknownpub 2 points3 points ago

Dat dongle.

[–]Roboticide 4 points5 points ago

Helps make it look longer. Doing Mr. CGI a favor there.

[–]DeathToPennies 41 points42 points ago

[–]HiImGarrett 13 points14 points ago

Yes.

[–]IDlOT 7 points8 points ago

I think that gave me a seizure.

[–]makalious 30 points31 points ago

The pic on the left is photoshopped.

[–]rachelspeaking 21 points22 points ago

Came to point this out. There's a clearly repeating of certain sections of hair.

[–]trism 32 points33 points ago

CAUSE THIS IS THRILLER, THRILLER NIGHT

[–]redrun1 4 points5 points ago

whip crack DO IT AGAIN TILL YOU GET IT RIGHT!

[–]third_derivative 3 points4 points ago

[–]bologma 9 points10 points ago

The first picture looks seriously faked. Unnatural, rather.

[–]AcousticHigh 1 point2 points ago

I gave it a 10/10 but then again, bewbz.

[–]KisukeUraharaHat 28 points29 points ago

You're supposed to wait a month or more for a repost, silly!

[–]bearcherian 62 points63 points ago

NS;DC - Never Seen; Don't Care

[–]KisukeUraharaHat 9 points10 points ago

Simple, yet effective way to view things.

[–]mvonstei 3 points4 points ago

Wow, off by a hair

[–]Nivardica 15 points16 points ago

Its pretty hard to be graceful with water flying all around you. Salt water in your eyes is never fun.

[–]finallymadeanaccount 28 points29 points ago

Then how do people swim in the ocean, huh? What about all the fish? Huh? Huh?!

[–]CREEPYPASTA101 15 points16 points ago

What does your user name mean?

[–]Nivardica 21 points22 points ago

Just a word I made up out of two teachers names when I was 15. I used it as a name for a character I made up.

[–]xxxblindxxx 10 points11 points ago

lol at all the downvotes you guys got for having a conversation amongst each other

[–]Nivardica 20 points21 points ago

Its ok. Just imaginary points.

[–]xxxblindxxx 10 points11 points ago

i wonder if people open most downvoted comments and just downvote everything to make sure it stays down here :( how sad

[–]mshab356 9 points10 points ago

The knockers on the girl to the left could've cast a solar eclipse had the sun been to the right a couple degrees

[–]Vulco 0 points1 point ago

Did she shit herself?

[–]Jaboomaphoo 0 points1 point ago

You forgot the photoshop

[–]dittydum 0 points1 point ago

Ehr meh gerd. Warter.

[–]RiotPower 1 point2 points ago

I'd still nail it.

[–]Ieuan1996 2 points3 points ago

Bitches love Fibonacci

[–]PorchMonkeyKike 9 points10 points ago

After such a disaster, she needs to curl up and dye.

[–]QuadsNotBlades 12 points13 points ago

no one likes hair puns?!

[–]Archaeoptero 6 points7 points ago

I think most people don't like irrelevant death puns?

[–]jandalofdoom 2 points3 points ago

Ermahgerd. Hair flehrp.

[–]overused-meme-alert 6 points7 points ago

Ermahgerd

beep beep beep beep beep beep beep

.

[–]Illsoul 4 points5 points ago

What she thinks she looks like/ What she really looks like

[–]therealjonbrown 3 points4 points ago

Wait, are we saying "nailed it" again?

[–]Lagrumpleway 0 points1 point ago

I'm guessing water up her nose?

[–]Elevate_IX 3 points4 points ago

Oh man what a gem, you really nailed it. I guess you could say you are doing it right.

[–]DidHeJust 0 points1 point ago

She's a man, baby, yeah!

[–]MindlessDreamer 3 points4 points ago

Why has no one commented on the left girl's boobs? FUCK.

[–]Masochist_Jesus 1 point2 points ago

NO WE ARE NOT POSTING THESE AGAIN.

[–]Willcagney313 3 points4 points ago

holy tits

[–]donald_margolis -1 points0 points ago

Well you have to be laetitia casta to pull it off.

[–]lol-i-am-a-banana 0 points1 point ago

What water spiral?

[–]iiCUBED 0 points1 point ago

The walking dead version

[–]omarcomin123 0 points1 point ago

Blllllleeegh

[–]tvsux 1 point2 points ago

What? Are we talking fractals again?

[–]MrKas 0 points1 point ago

Whipsnake edition

[–]Braden22 0 points1 point ago

That face has, "I gotta poop REAL BAD" written all over it.