What you want to do is learn to fap with your mind. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I learned it from a Buddhist Monk. Since they are celibate they can't touch themselves. So your first step is to put your mind at ease, so light a nice scented candle and open a window. If any of your coworkers are concerned, tell them it's to reduce stress (They will buy that shit up). Next you need to sit perfectly still and close your eyes, imagine you're standing in a raging river. A river where the salmon of Capistrano are fighting the current to get up the river and get some sweet salmon poon. So now you're in probably the coolest place ever, one with nature, and you are completely naked (Except for socks, the rocks are rather sharp in this river). You look to your left, there is a bear catching the horny salmon out of the river. What you have to do is prove your dominance to the bear by catching these fish with your bare hands and chompin' 'em (Eat 'em raw too, the bear will think it's super gnarly). If he approves if your radness, he will let you climb on his back and ride him. Once you've gotten on top of him and you have a good hold of his fur, whisper these words softly into his ear, "The narwhal bacons at midnight." After hearing these words a rainbow will shoot out of the ground in front of him, and you'll begin riding the fuck out of that rainbow and there will be explosions, and boobs and then you'll reach sweet sweet climax. Works every time for me. Source: This is how I've always beat off