I'm finding it hard to put into words..

When i was a child i used to love playing with these toy soldiers. I would bring them anywhere. I brought them to the beach to guard the big sand castles i would make, I brought them to the Cottage to patrol the epic forests and jungles they would encounter. Never was there more of a battle ground than the kitchen table while the defended the house from the imperial Tan Army. If they were to "die", they would merely fall on there side, only to be resurrected during my next "war".

As a young boy, they were my way of having an innocent adventure of playing a "war game" that i was too young to understand what the consequences would be if it were a war involving real people.

I loved these soldiers. They were my adventure and innocence.

2008 i was sent to Kandahar Afghanistan. I'm no longer a young boy that has no idea what the consequences of war could be. Its real, it's close, and it's everyday. For nine months.

Patrols, convoys, close protection, camp protection, revolving responsibilities and duties that were carried out every day. The only thing that made it bearable were the men in my section. Men who i would do anything for, lay down my life if it really had to. They were now my real life Toy Soldiers protecting me from the "evil tan army" if you wanted to put it that way. I was fighting along side them.

We lost three men overseas, all from one roadside bomb as well as countless roadside bombs. I never cried as much as that night once everything had calmed down. I closed the shower curtain and cried and cried and cried. Then 10 hours later i was back out on patrol, we had to continue the job.

We made it home at the end of May, right after the great recession of 2008. There were no civilian jobs for us. We left the desert, but the desert never truly left us. A year later, I'm rushing to my friends house after he called m saying he was going to kill himself. He didn't. I was able to get to him in time before he could do something to harm himself.

I had nightmares, ones that i would just deal with, breakdowns in closed rooms that no one will ever know about. And a DEEP, DEEP urge to go back in time and be back in the desert with my soldiers, my men. I missed that true camaraderie. I missed that indescribable feeling of loyalty and courage.

Back in Canada, flash forward two years. Gunshots were heard in the armories. After a search of the entire armories, we find him. One of the men who just came back, took his own life in a tucked away classroom. His equipment laid out inspection ready in front of him, only being able to identify him by his name tags.

I fell into the deepest depression yet, i couldn't help but think of what was going through his mind, having the courage to pull that trigger, did he know the effect it would have on others? Was he absolutely sure there was no other way out? I think of my other friend who was in the same position a year earlier.

But i move on, i suck it up, the only people i can talk to about it are the men that served with me. No one else would understand, no matter how willing or hard they tried. My wife got me through alot as well.

When i saw those pictures of my toy soldiers, going through the harsh realities of war and death, it broke my heart. Seeing the green soldier with a gun in his mouth i was horrified, the one with no leg, the one in poverty, all of these pictures struck me so deeply.

Here are the men of my childhood, my brave soldiers that fought in so many playful theaters of "war" for me. With no consequence. Because they were just toys. Now they were covered in the scars of reality from the wars that i put them through.

The artists brought a soul to these men, and turned the innocence of them inside out, shoving the deepest scars of reality and putting them into a form that touched me in a way i never thought something so... minor? Could.

It felt good writing this, ignore my user name as its just meant for people to go "wtf?" but hopefully i just answered your question on why this image affected me so much. If i were to tell people one thing, enjoy your life. Enjoy

every second of it.

EDIT: Spelling and Grammar