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top 200 commentsshow all 288

[–]pervertedpapaya 88 points89 points ago

You're beautiful like a moon

I don't think comparing a person to something big and round is something good to do while having sex with them

[–]yen223 92 points93 points ago

You're so beautiful...LIKE A TREE

[–]espnman321 71 points72 points ago

.... or a high-class prostitute.

Here's a dollar in change. It's mostly pennies.

[–]jmutter3 25 points26 points ago

you could be a part-time model

[–]Redditor8472 17 points18 points ago

but you'd probably still have to keep your normal job

[–]xLittleLady 11 points12 points ago

spend half of your time modeling and half of your time next to meeeeee

[–]flycatcher126 7 points8 points ago

And the rest of your time at your normal job.

[–]boyette 11 points12 points ago

Like some nice ceramics or somethin.

[–]goroncity 2 points3 points ago

You're red hot like pizza supper.

[–]learntofart 15 points16 points ago

[–]TheNecromancer 28 points29 points ago

Well, I'd certainly pilot my Falcon into her core.

[–]GC022 7 points8 points ago

Welcome to the darkside.

[–]jro893 13 points14 points ago

Sounds like something Sokka would say.

[–]piningforthefjords 2 points3 points ago

That's rough, buddy

[–]CheezeburgerTroll 2 points3 points ago

I don't find hissing to be a good thing either

[–]everyfivemins 60 points61 points ago

[–]SupCom_sistar 68 points69 points ago

This kills the sex.

[–]mkv5981 32 points33 points ago

This kills the relationship.

FTFY

[–]MasterAardwolf 32 points33 points ago

This kills the ex.

[–]EpicAnimosity 7 points8 points ago

'Sex is Kill'

'No.'

[–]mtldude1967 106 points107 points ago

"You ain't gonna shit right for a week!"

[–]learntofart 41 points42 points ago

Actually had this bounced back at me; couldn't keep a straight face because of that. It...didn't pan out well for me. At all.

Anal: touchy subject.

[–]beastoftheeast69 35 points36 points ago

Relevant username?

[–]Dstanding 5 points6 points ago

I don't see how someone who's learnt of art should know about anal...?

[–]AriBBCP 9 points10 points ago

any talk regarding butts makes me giggle, anal dirty talk would not work very well for me.

[–]MasterAardwolf 19 points20 points ago

Me either. For one thing my anus doesn't talk.

[–]MrConfucius 6 points7 points ago

Mine does ghost sounds.

[–]ragogumi 8 points9 points ago

Isn't anal always a touchy subject?

[–]nte5550 13 points14 points ago

"Calm down, let's not turn this rape into a murder"

Still the best. Hands down. Of all time.

[–]tatertotz84 93 points94 points ago

I just pooped...a lot...on your dog.

[–]beastenator 18 points19 points ago

Yabba Dabba Doo!

[–]andrewsmith1986 290 points291 points ago

I rule!

at fuckin'

My job

Is truckin'

Don't stop

Keep suckin'

Well, I now know what I'm saying next time.

[–]linkrobin 86 points87 points ago

YABADABADOO!

[–]SeeDeez 25 points26 points ago

I'm going to pound the farts out of you!

[–]letsgetdisco 45 points46 points ago

Hail Satan!

[–]Kinetic_Waffle 18 points19 points ago

Sowee! <Pig>

Oink! <Piglet>

That'll do, pig. <Babe>

[–]bjjones13 24 points25 points ago

I always tell my girlfriend "That'll do pig" she doesn't find it very funny.

[–]LChurch 30 points31 points ago

I just pooped.

On your dog.

A lot.

[–]Dr_Twatson 16 points17 points ago

I would love to to own a poster of you with this quote.

[–]andrewsmith1986 21 points22 points ago

[–]Dr_Twatson 13 points14 points ago

Tough decision.. The first picture looks like you could actually be quoting it. The second picture looks like you just came up with it and you're giggling uncontrollably in your head.

[–]JimmyKeepCool 52 points53 points ago

[–]Dr_Twatson 8 points9 points ago

I'm not so sure about your choice of font, but this is my new improperly sized wallpaper on my desktop.

[–]andrewsmith1986 11 points12 points ago

You are awesome.

[–]Careful_Houndoom 7 points8 points ago

I choose the first one.

[–]makesyoudownvote 4 points5 points ago

I'm planning on trying out "Who's your abusive stepfather?"

Bonus points: The police once tried to arrest my girlfriend's stepfather for sexually abusing her, but it was another family member who was actually doing it. The stepfather had absolutely nothing to do with it.

[–]AriBBCP 2 points3 points ago

RAWR! (T-REX)

[–]gigitythatwutshesaid 46 points47 points ago

I'm going to pound the farts out of you - Chicks love that line!

[–]glisp42 36 points37 points ago

-James Joyce.

[–]TJFordZ 3 points4 points ago

You must have met some quality women.

[–]justpwndu112 46 points47 points ago

meh

thanks...

Here's a dollar

in change

...mostly pennies.

accurately describes my last hookup

[–]Anonymous3891 10 points11 points ago

My first thought was that it sounds like something Archer would say.

[–]Mysirus 44 points45 points ago

Lost it, "at who's your abusive stepfather?"

[–]SkyNTP 7 points8 points ago

Yaba,daba,doo here. Gonna try that one next time, see how it rolls.

[–]allankcrain 4 points5 points ago

"Mostly pennies" is what gets me every time I've seen this.

[–]Domthecreator14 20 points21 points ago

I commonly scream "im gonna pound the farts out of you"

[–]MasterAardwolf 9 points10 points ago

Twist ending: "...but never when I'm having sex."

[–]kceb 19 points20 points ago

Hahahah, Meh>Thanks...>A lot>Peaches. Wat.

[–]Worst_Lover_Ever 49 points50 points ago

[–]Whiskeypants17 20 points21 points ago

[–]greedyiguana 2 points3 points ago

those are all PCP

[–]daisydelafuente 26 points27 points ago

Username is highly relevant.

[–]YSCapital 10 points11 points ago

he has been waiting for this day.

[–]rel_scene 6 points7 points ago

She gently pressed against his shoulders; "Hey..."

He stopped kissing her ear and propped himself up on his elbows. The covers had slipped down to his waist.

"No, don't stop ..." she moved under him " ...just, less ear mkay?"

He gently pecked her on the forehead, and then the tip of her nose.

"Hrm" she murmured "that's better..."

He grinned and attacked her mouth with his. His teeth bruised her lip and she turned her face away. He slobbered his way up her jaw to her neck...

"No."

...before licking his way down to her collar bone. He attempted a creative nibble, and she winced.

"Don't."

He uttered a muffled grunt as he made his way across her chest to her pretty little breast before taking her pretty little nipple between his teeth.

"STOP! Seriously."

He froze. She was upset, and he felt defeated.

"Stop?"

"Stop."

She wiggled out from under him and he flopped onto his back. He gestured at the ceiling with a limp wrist; "I'm sorry..."

She put a hand on his mouth; "Hey."

He tried not to look at her, and she took his face in her hands. Her hands smelled of sex.

"Oh well." she said. "That did not go as planned huh?"

"Nope. Ah. I am not very good at this."

She slid a leg over his belly. Now it was her turn to peck him on his forehead.

"You are so genuine"

A peck between the eyes.

"I love how..."

Peck on the nose.

"Innnnsecure..."

A long slow kiss on his lips.

"You are..."

[–]QCD 29 points30 points ago

HAIL SATAN

Definitely using that one next time

[–]sp00kyd00m 46 points47 points ago

if i made a girl scream 'hail satan' i would fucking high five myself

[–]fuckingcaptcha 3 points4 points ago

"We're going to hell for this" isn't always bad, either.

[–]CaptainBus 27 points28 points ago

A cheetah hiss is good, is it? Okay...

[–]Battletooth 12 points13 points ago

I can't wait to impress my fiancée tonight with what I've learned from this chart.

[–]Whiskeypants17 6 points7 points ago

I am printing it out and taping it to the headboard as a handy reference.

Maybe even scribbling in a few more and highlighting my favs.

It is going to be a odd week.

[–]RockFerrit 11 points12 points ago

Anything in french

[–]Germerican88 43 points44 points ago

Omlette du fromage!

[–]Sugar_Skull 5 points6 points ago

Woah woah, calm down, man. I didn't know it was like that! (that episode was gold.)

[–]WOW_IMSEXY_AS_HELLV2 3 points4 points ago

AU

Omelette au fromage, man.

[–]JesusIsAScapegoat 4 points5 points ago

Sacrebleu!!

[–]MDef255 11 points12 points ago

I love how...ie Mandel's comedy.

[–]aa_calvet 8 points9 points ago

I like that in sex with a foreigner, you would say "Madre mio!", which typically translates to something along the lines of "My mother!", if I'm not mistaken.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

It does, but the context is usually referring to Virgin Mary if I'm not mistaken. Edit: Which, totally makes sense. Yeah.

[–]JaronK 8 points9 points ago

Aw, this is missing my favorite real life one. A girl I know was in missionary position with her boyfriend when he leaned up and said breathlessly into her ear "You smell like my mother."

Instant mood killer, that.

[–]Jberrybear 8 points9 points ago

Do you smell what The Rock is cooking? lmfao

[–]HeyLolitaHey89 12 points13 points ago

"Bestial wail?" I lost it there. First post to make me laugh all day.

[–]GC022 6 points7 points ago

[–]SeraphSirius 4 points5 points ago

Brilliant Kaleidoscope

[–]Siethron 14 points15 points ago

"I love you" might be a bad thing to say, during a random hookup.

[–]JesusIsAScapegoat 46 points47 points ago

Classic Schmosby

[–]DJSUMMIT 13 points14 points ago

n=2 => "Heil Hitler"
http://i.qkme.me/3on5c8.jpg

[–]scorpion347 4 points5 points ago

Boy*

[–]Zentaurion 4 points5 points ago

I lost it at "Heil Hitler". This is literally fucking hilarious.

[–]philosoraptocopter 4 points5 points ago

Bullshit. "Heil Satan" is the best thing you can possibly say throughout the entire duration of sex.

[–]Baby_Wayne 3 points4 points ago

I guess I'm just a little bit confused why "I just pooped" is on the bad side?

[–]DraperWhite 6 points7 points ago

"Madre Mio" makes no sense.

1- It's "mia" no matter the sex of the person saying it. 2- What kind of person screams "My Mother" during sex and considers it a good thing?

[–]juanitothebandito 4 points5 points ago

Not too sure on "your beautiful like a moon"

[–]candid862 2 points3 points ago

I already thought "whose your daddy?" was a bit vile.... But "whose your abusive step father?" is almost worse!

[–]itwascookies 0 points1 point ago

Someone spent way too much time making this.

[–]Theartiswrong 2 points3 points ago

This chart makes no sense. It's not a flow chart, the end points aren't actions or conclusions or results. Some of the bubbles contain criteria, and some of them contain words that you say.

Some of the pathways put together a phrase, but some of them are just the criteria to get to a phrase.

[–]Shitty_Repost_Police 1 point2 points ago

License and registration please.

[–]AdrianCXD 3 points4 points ago

Anyone seeking more info might also check here:

title comnts points age /r/
Things To Say During Sex [flow chart] 4coms 11pts 8mos funny
Things to Say During Sex 83coms 666pts 10mos pics
Things to say during sex 16coms 176pts 2mos funny
Things to say during sex 5coms 32pts 10mos funny

[–]inquirewue 1 point2 points ago

I actually find this helpful, thanks!

[–]cursed_deity -1 points0 points ago

i can hardly imagine 90% of this actually being said.

[–]Kelfox 0 points1 point ago

I bark and howl during sex. Where do I fit in?

[–]baltoszrhnds 6 points7 points ago

The kennel.

[–]miksedene 0 points1 point ago

"(The Lord's Name in Vain)" All I could think of was this.

[–]DaJoW 1 point2 points ago

"Your mom's a whore" is bad!? That explains so much.

[–]silent_p 1 point2 points ago

Thanks a lot, peaches.

[–]bigbear343 0 points1 point ago

When in doubt don't say a word and keep constant eye contact.

[–]POWERGULL 1 point2 points ago

I read 'your partners name' as 'your parents name.' I really didn't think she wanted me to be yelling JO ANN at her....

[–]witty_account_name 1 point2 points ago

Hey, this isn't nsfw porn. What gives, man?

[–]gentlechin 0 points1 point ago

No, don't stop. No. Seriously.

[–]rileythereaper 0 points1 point ago

I pooped. A lot. On your dog.

[–]achshar 0 points1 point ago

okay.jpg i'll save it for later.

[–]DarKnightofCydonia 0 points1 point ago

This is brilliant. It's the /r/funny post that just keeps on giving

[–]PotatoGirl 0 points1 point ago

Hissing like a cheetah? My SO might not know what to do after that...which means now I have to try it.

[–]YSCapital 0 points1 point ago

"I love How ie mandels comedy"

[–]Edrondol -1 points0 points ago

Hello, Vicar?!?

Damn that's funny stuff!

[–]YSCapital 0 points1 point ago

"I rule, at fuckin, my job, is truckin, dont stop, keep suckin"

[–]ragogumi 0 points1 point ago

Since when do cheetahs hiss?

[–]ImParanoid 1 point2 points ago

You got a full on laugh from me with "I just pooped, a lot, on your dog."

[–]ESPguitarist 0 points1 point ago

"I'm going to pound the farts out of you."

Gold, Jerry! Gold!

[–]StChas77 0 points1 point ago

I think the phrase "ah, that tickles!" should be in there from personal experience.

[–]d0peamine 0 points1 point ago

I still don't understand how asking a girl if you are her father is in any way a turn on.

[–]raccoonguy8 0 points1 point ago

"Welcome to Sementown, population: you!"

[–]captainmagictrousers 0 points1 point ago

You know what's fun to say during sex? Anything, if you're a ventriloquist.

[–]Eddyoshi 0 points1 point ago

I shall keep this in mind

[–]robcrusoe 1 point2 points ago

can somebody colourize this?

[–]GanjaGamer69 1 point2 points ago

I disagree with one small portion of this infographic. "We're going to hell for this" should not be on the bad side. Whenever I've said that, it's almost always because something awesome is happening.

[–]Domthecreator14 0 points1 point ago

Another one I didn't see... You feel like my dad!

[–]James-VZ 0 points1 point ago

Did not see "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" very disappointed I rate this chart at -4/10.

[–]MJMan420 0 points1 point ago

"Heil Hitler" is a bad thing to say? I didn't know that.

[–]Chugabum 0 points1 point ago

Shouldn't have read this in class...

[–]Cealous 0 points1 point ago

I think Imma go turn this into a poster for over my bed

[–]Spoonbread 0 points1 point ago

I too read the words in the picture.

[–]Jefrejtor 0 points1 point ago

I guess saying "your mom's a whore" does a lot to heat up the atmosphere.

[–]Wanhope 0 points1 point ago

So the only choices foreigners have is aye caramba and heil hitler?

[–]FaptosaurusRex 0 points1 point ago

You can tell a woman wrote this

[–]yogiontour 1 point2 points ago

Downvoted because there was no "Fancy some of the old, LICKAROO?"

[–]JurassicParkerr 0 points1 point ago

Je parles le français. Qui voudrais me joindre au lit? ;)

(I speak french. Who would like to join me in bed?)

[–]Tracerface 0 points1 point ago

I am disappointed that "Go go gadget Splooge!" Is missing from this since it is clearly the best thing to say during sex.

[–]Allogistic 0 points1 point ago

Step 1: learn what to say during sex. Step 2: have sex.

I'm halfway there.

[–]Ihavetheinternets 0 points1 point ago

You mean saying "Heil Hitler" is a bad thing? God damn it, I've been doing it wrong this whole time...

[–]Sokonomi 0 points1 point ago

Heres my chart during sex.

(Scroll)-(Click)-(Doubleclick)

[–]timmytimtimshabadu 0 points1 point ago

I really want to say "I'm going to pound the farts out of you" now.

[–]TaintShredder -1 points0 points ago

You're Mom's a Whore. FTFY

[–]aLittleCreepy 0 points1 point ago

im gonna go with "Who's your abusive stepfather?"

[–]be_more_canadian 0 points1 point ago

I wouldn't consider yelling "Shit!" a good thing at all

[–]pimpwaldo 0 points1 point ago

"I'm going to pound the farts out of you!"

[–]be_more_canadian 0 points1 point ago

[–]Toothyy -1 points0 points ago

I always do the sheep sounds: Bhaaaaa, meaaaah. After that I say: Heil hitler. She mad.

[–]Toothyy 0 points1 point ago

I just pooped alot on your dog... That'll do it.

[–]bigoldirtydick 0 points1 point ago

____________ princess.

[–]traveler1986 0 points1 point ago

"Sweet Jesus" has been said....

[–]Jealousy123 0 points1 point ago

I'm gonna pound the farts out of you.

Why is this on the bad side?!?

[–]Head_of_Lettuce 0 points1 point ago

"I just pooped. A lot. On your dog."

[–]LetsPlayDotA 0 points1 point ago

Why is "we're going to hell for this!" bad? :(

It's kinky.. raunchy! (I always wanted to use that word, ty :))

[–]DomoMachete 0 points1 point ago

When I called my g/f a "Naughty girl/boy" she wasn't very pleased... =(

7/10 will try again

[–]daddy_zordon 0 points1 point ago

Im dying in my completely silent class, trying not to cry from all these laughs pent up inside me...... NSFC

[–]Possumdd 0 points1 point ago

Wait so what you are saying is that I shouldn't say hail Satan during sex? That explains so much.....

[–]MangoMonger 0 points1 point ago

And the book it came from

[–]mattyg915 0 points1 point ago

I can't hear "Ay Caramba!" in anything but Bart Simpson's voice. I'd laugh too hard to continue if that one ever actually came out.

[–]cssdy 0 points1 point ago

I'm gonna go ahead and suggest that all of the rhetorical questions get moved to "bad." (Nothing's killed it more than being asked, "Do you like that? Do you?")

[–]boamundus 0 points1 point ago

Anything in French?

Comme une vache espagnole?

[–]Dowgellah 0 points1 point ago

it's missing the worst thing you can say during sex:

"that' it?.."

[–]xLittleLady 0 points1 point ago

oh man, this is just beautiful. Couldn't stop laughing sigh

[–]Devilb0y 0 points1 point ago

I love that making a noise like a T-Rex is heavily in the good side of this ven diagram. I'm going to start making love to John Williams to see if I can prompt this reaction.

[–]EricksA2 0 points1 point ago

Thanks a lot, peaches.

[–]McFro 0 points1 point ago

The Bad side needed a giant bubble coming off of Dirty that just says "I wanna give you the Ol' Lickaroo.".

[–]MrCee 0 points1 point ago

The first thing that my eyes went to was Thanks. . . Heres a dollar, in change, mostly pennies!!!

[–]Mattisback89 0 points1 point ago

Thanks....here's a dollar....in change....mostly pennies.

[–]MindF_ck 0 points1 point ago

is it supposed to bend like that?

[–]Knewtworiddet 0 points1 point ago

Whale sounds are perfectly normal during sex. Along with, "Thar she blows!"

[–]Knewtworiddet 0 points1 point ago

Whale sounds are perfectly normal during sex. Along with, "Thar she blows!"

[–]MyNameIsBro 0 points1 point ago

someone needs to soundboard this.

[–]aznspartan94 0 points1 point ago

That punctuation at the bottom.

[–]Cendeu 1 point2 points ago

"Wanna suck this shit?" made me laugh too hard.

[–]De_Lille_D 0 points1 point ago

Some combinations should probably be avoided:

Sweet Jesus.

I'm going to nail your ass.

[–]Tannz0rz 0 points1 point ago

Omlette au fromage.

[–]justonecomment 0 points1 point ago

We're going to hell for this.

[–]MindF_ck 0 points1 point ago

is it supposed to bend like that?

[–]louisscale 0 points1 point ago

Only UK'ers of a certain age will get this, but my friends girlfriend once said "to me, to you!" during sex. Didn't go down well but they're still together.

[–]BobLobLawsLawFirm 0 points1 point ago

Other people don't speak whale during sex?

[–]joreclros92 0 points1 point ago

I think I'm going to try some of the "Bad" things to say during sex just to see what my girlfriend's reaction is... Starting off with I'm going to fuck the fart out of you.

[–]H-Resin 0 points1 point ago

Am I the only person who feels uncomfortable saying absolutely anything during sex? It just...idunno....seems weird

[–]binaryspartan 0 points1 point ago

"Is it in yet?"

My poor buddy had to live with that one during high school as the chick spread the tale as well as her tail around the school.

[–]Durango_bob 0 points1 point ago

You just got boned by the Poop Fag! (Don't say that)

[–]Valisk 0 points1 point ago

I am amazed that "victory for the forces of democratic freedom" isnt on here yet.

[–]whoaaitsjess 0 points1 point ago

If someone said "You are beautiful like a butterfly" to me while we're having sex, I'd slap them.

[–]CrossCheckPanda 0 points1 point ago

Maybe were doing it wrong but if I made a T-Rex Noise I think that she would put on her clothes and walk away. Not sure how that goes under good

[–]PicklesofTruth 0 points1 point ago

i've gotten several complaints from my partners that I make too much small talk in bed. the last example i can think of i was having sex and i started asking my SO if she had finished the laundry and she looked at me like i was crazy, but my mind wanders around a lot what can i say.

[–]WhatHaveWeHur 0 points1 point ago

I yelled "it's cummin' timeee!" right before finishing a few weeks back. Needless to say, my lady friend was not amused (although we do joke about it now).

[–]SHEISA_MINNELLI 0 points1 point ago

IM YOUR SISTER IM YOUR SISTER

[–]Qwertyon 0 points1 point ago

But making whale noises is like, my signature thing. Myoaooooooooaoooooooooooam

[–]aquamariner 0 points1 point ago

Hitler did nothing wrong.

[–]tolarian_tutor 0 points1 point ago

Hsssssss......like a cheeter

[–]jessicahonig 0 points1 point ago

I just pooped on your dog.

[–]Metroda87 0 points1 point ago

You forgot whispering their moms name into their ear. Tried it once, it was counter productive.

[–]indoobitably 0 points1 point ago

I'm going to pound the farts out of you.

Not something I would say, but certainly has happened.

[–]CbDraft 0 points1 point ago

Poot!

[–]Nopskillz 0 points1 point ago

Can you smell what the Rock is cookin? LULZ

[–]DonkeyKong92 0 points1 point ago

AwwoooOoOOOh, huuuuughhhhhhh

[–]NameOnTheInterwebs 0 points1 point ago

"I'm going to pound the farts out of you."

:)