this post was submitted on
1,369 points (53% like it)
9,886 up votes 8,517 down votes

funny

subscribe2,556,596 readers

11,262 users here now

Reminder: Political posts are not permitted in /r/funny. Try /r/PoliticalHumor instead!

NEW! No gore or porn (including sexually graphic images). Other NSFW content must be tagged as such

Welcome to r/Funny:

You may only post if you are funny.

Please No:

  • posts with their sole purpose being to communicate with another redditor. Click for an Example.

  • Screenshots of reddit comment threads. Post a link with context to /r/bestof or /r/defaultgems if from a default subreddit instead.

  • Posts for the specific point of it being your reddit birthday.

  • Politics - This includes the 2012 Presidential candidates or bills in congress.

  • Rage comics - Go to /fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu instead.

  • Memes - Go to /r/AdviceAnimals or /r/Memes instead.

  • Demotivational posters - Go to /r/Demotivational instead.

  • Pictures of just text - Make a self post instead.

  • DAE posts - Go to /r/doesanybodyelse

  • eCards - the poll result was 55.02% in favor of removal. Please submit eCards to /r/ecards

  • URL shorteners - No link shorteners (or HugeURL) in either post links or comments. They will be deleted regardless of intent.

Rehosted webcomics will be removed. Please submit a link to the original comic's site and preferably an imgur link in the comments. Do not post a link to the comic image, it must be linked to the page of the comic. (*) (*)

Need more? Check out:

Still need more? See Reddit's best / worst and offensive joke collections (warning: some of those jokes are offensive / nsfw!).


Please DO NOT post personal information. This includes anything hosted on Facebook's servers, as they can be traced to the original account holder.


If your submission appears to be banned, please don't just delete it as that makes the filter hate you! Instead please send us a message with a link to the post. We'll unban it and it should get better. Please allow 10 minutes for the post to appear before messaging moderators


The moderators of /r/funny reserve the right to moderate posts and comments at their discretion, with regard to their perception of the suitability of said posts and comments for this subreddit. Thank you for your understanding.


CSS - BritishEnglishPolice ©2011

a community for

reddit is a source for what's new and popular online. vote on links that you like or dislike and help decide what's popular, or submit your own! learn more ›

all 148 comments

[–]oPHILcial 56 points57 points ago

Screw you ma'am, these aren't green eggs and ham.

[–]calicojones 12 points13 points ago

..today, Horton hears nothing.

[–]oPHILcial 13 points14 points ago

Mr. Brown can moo, fuck you!

[–]cyclura 16 points17 points ago

"Would you work an extra shift?"

]

"I would not work an extra shift

I would not gift you with that gift.

Not for pay, not for free

Not on your life, Boss - Let me be!

I do not give the slightest damn.

So kindly fuck-off, Sam I Am!"

[–]RockingTheRitz 3 points4 points ago

So kindly fuck off, Mr Boss-Man*?

[–]cyclura 6 points7 points ago

Actually, OP's boss is named Sam. I explain that in stanza 1, which I had to omit due to time constraints.

[–]RockingTheRitz 0 points1 point ago

Oh, well alrighty then. Kudos on your rhymes, rhymer.

[–]remhawk99 25 points26 points ago

Frankly, if it's blue, I would like to give a fuck, if it's red, I just got done with giving a fuck.

[–]PretendsToKnowThings 2 points3 points ago

[–]Nolookhook 11 points12 points ago

I work at a nation-wide restaurant chain that is nicer than most places in my town. My buddy put in his 2 weeks notice not too long ago. His last day was Wednesday. During the dinner "rush", a table of 3 college students dressed in their letters came in and were say in his section. They stayed for 2 1/2 hours, keeping him there an hour later than he was supposed to be. He gave them pretty good service (15%+ tip worth). They proceeded to not tip him and walk out. As they were leaving, he read the ticket and calmly walked outside, approached them, handed one of the guys his apron, said "you try this shit, you ungrateful fuck." and left. He came back to check out and clock turn in his stuff and we greeted him with a standing ovation.

[–]b0w3n 0 points1 point ago

Also, just before people start getting angry, there are quite a few people that don't know tipping is a thing, and assume you get at least minimum wage.

Generally they're kids or ethnic folks (people visiting the US, nationalities where socioeconomic factors are not really conducive to eating dinner at restaurants, etc). There is also cheap fuckdicks too.

[–]Nodonn226 3 points4 points ago

High schoolers who live in an area where tipping is a known thing would know that you are supposed to tip. So I'm going with cheap fuckdicks.

[–]thedude8591 1 point2 points ago

I was amazed when I had an Austrailian tip me when I delivered pizza to her.

[–]lordloss -1 points0 points ago

"ethnic" doesn't always mean not from this country

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsK1McEA9ds

[–]Nolookhook 1 point2 points ago

We get paid $2.13/hr as servers..

[–]ryph 4 points5 points ago

Yes, and as b0w3n mentioned above, a lot of people don't know this.

[–]b0w3n 2 points3 points ago

Yup. I mean, technically they're supposed to be getting minimum wage... but good luck staying employed if you don't get tips and the restaurant keeps paying out.

[–]_Bones 1 point2 points ago

unless you're a foreigner, I can't fathom how you would have never ever learned this.

[–]killdie 1 point2 points ago

it's brutal, it's ridiculous, they pay someone third world wages and expect them to make up the rest on a combination of "good service" and "luck". The tipping system in America is a joke, just like it is here in Canada.

You should tip someone because they did a good job, not because you have to. Gratuity is even fucking worse, hate that shit.

[–]Nolookhook 1 point2 points ago

In much of America, servers wages are minimum wage. These are also places that "professional servers" work though. Not average joes.

[–]BaconCanada 0 points1 point ago

Wait what the fuck they get paid that here too? I thought we were guaranteed an absolute minimum of 10.50 or at least 9.25 for under 18. What in the absolute hell happened?

[–]Kn1ght21 16 points17 points ago

[–]MadKat88 3 points4 points ago

This is totally what I came here for

[–]WilsonHanks 0 points1 point ago

Greatest reaction time by that dude at the end.

[–]Sulasi -3 points-2 points ago

I should have known that a Knight already did God's work. I, frankly, find it pleasant to come to a comment section and see that I wasn't the only one thinking this.

[–]ihasakiwi 10 points11 points ago

When I walked out of Wendy's, I felt the same way. Then, when I walked out of McDonald's I think I actually gave negative fucks...

Bastards still owe me a few...

[–]MuffinCutter 28 points29 points ago

What did you think? -- "Fuck Wendy's! I'm going to McDonald's! I know I'll love that job!"

[–]ihasakiwi 5 points6 points ago

It was the only thing walking distance from campus for a student without a car haha.

[–]krugnasty 10 points11 points ago

The one day you wish you had assholes come to your table, they are nowhere to be found

[–]TheLateThagSimmons 1 point2 points ago

My last day at my last restaurant was to be glorious!

I was "laid off" a week before I planed on quitting. :(

[–]TheGrog 4 points5 points ago

Hell, this is how I feel today because I got a big ol THREE DAY WEEKEND! FUCK YES

[–]killdie 1 point2 points ago

my boss tried calling me but my phone was off the charger and died so it went to the machine. i am not calling that fucker back because someone decided to puss out at the last second on their job and they only have me to cover their shift.

I get shit on enough at work as it is for doing an above average job with a now double workload for minimum wage. They can kiss my ass because tonight i'm getting drunk.

[–]slowpoketail 1 point2 points ago

Me too!!! Plus I work in a shitty restaurant so when I got off last night it was even better

[–]TheGrog 2 points3 points ago

I actually miss working in restaurants. I thought it was much more fun then being tied to a desk doing "important" work all day.

[–]slowpoketail 1 point2 points ago

I know the feeling. I've had both jobs and both have their ups and downs

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Clueless76 4 points5 points ago

...ugh, I'm heading in to that place to start my shift later this evening...

[–]NueDumaz 1 point2 points ago

So, your advice is, marry a rich girl and quit your job?

[–]rabidassbaboon 3 points4 points ago

One of the most satisfying days of my life was when I quit my shitty restaurant job. It's the only job where I actually told the manager "Fuck you, I quit." Congrats.

[–]PhiladelphiaIrish 6 points7 points ago

Black fucks

Blue fucks

Old fucks

New fucks...

[–]PORN_TITLE_RATER 12 points13 points ago

8/10

[–]Aziz_Azazel 8 points9 points ago

This one has a little car

This one has a little star

Say! How little

Fucks there are...

[–]patron_willis 2 points3 points ago

My last day as a cashier at a yogurt shop I was just giving anyone who looked nice enough a discount. I gave the last 2 people I ever served free fro yo.

[–]Rosscow619 -1 points0 points ago

Beautifully said

[–]skellington0101 1 point2 points ago

Same here.. working a desk job.. last day today... starting new job tuesday!

[–]FlyingPasta 3 points4 points ago

I wish I had a job :(

[–]Red_Dawn_2012 1 point2 points ago

You and I both, man.

[–]sluterus 0 points1 point ago

Those green fish are fucking.

[–]uk2knerf 1 point2 points ago

The two fucks are having one right now.

[–]bnfdsl 0 points1 point ago

missing out on the flying fuck

[–]the_fuck_cares 0 points1 point ago

Ahh, I can relate

[–]All_Out_Of_Fucks 1 point2 points ago

Right there with you.

[–]micjones10 1 point2 points ago

You have no idea how jealous of you I am. Though, I don't normally give any fucks, let alone colored fucks at work, anyway.

[–]RonnDuncan -2 points-1 points ago

I don't give a colored fuck.
I like the sound of that.
(see profile)

[–]gravytown 0 points1 point ago

Oh that brings back warm memories of such pure joy and happiness. I remember my last day at a restaurant job like it was yesterday. Best moment of life.

[–]Renmauzuo 1 point2 points ago

Actually those are fish. It's easy to get confused though.

[–]BarnesTheNoble 1 point2 points ago

Hey my last day at my job too!

brofist

[–]Andrebatman 1 point2 points ago

every night this is how i feel when i work at a restaurant kitchen lol

[–]ktappe 1 point2 points ago

Do the people getting served in the restaurant know about this?

[–]mikachuu 1 point2 points ago

How does one give a blue fuck?

[–]TheDukeOfGumby 0 points1 point ago

You hold your breath while giving said fuck.

[–]rob1005 0 points1 point ago

http://youtu.be/hTOKJTRHMdw This is what you should do

[–]FisicalGraffiti 0 points1 point ago

Been there man. I showed up at my shitty restaurant job inebriated more than once during my last two weeks.

[–]Dilpickle2113 0 points1 point ago

My last day full time at my restaurant job is tomorrow evening. I'm staying on Saturdays as my new job has me starting as a temp. The Kitchen Manager is also willing to work with me so I can keep my employee discount... Can't wait till I can leave there completely.

[–]Kimicrash 0 points1 point ago

I am getting ready for my shitty restaurant job right now.. good luck on the other side

[–]norsurfit 0 points1 point ago

"Will you eat this in your lap?

My last day, I don't give a crap."

[–]WawaSC 0 points1 point ago

Oh man. I can't wait for my turn.

Congrats on getting out.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]BFF_Skinner 0 points1 point ago

Don't they have to pay you out for those two weeks at that point though? Or am I just confused/optimistic/Canadian?

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]BFF_Skinner 0 points1 point ago

That is most unfortunate. Makes me glad for most of the worker's rights laws here in Canada (B.C. specifically) even though they too are slowly being gutted.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]BFF_Skinner 0 points1 point ago

I put in my notice once, and was told to not bother coming in for the rest of my shifts for this reason (it was company policy). I was paid in full for those 2 weeks.

Also, I'm relatively certain that an ex-employer could technically be sued here for giving a terrible reference. I'm pretty sure that all they can say is, "Yes, BFF_Skinner worked here for x amount of time."

[–]jesskaleach 0 points1 point ago

My last day at a shitty job as well. NO FUCKS GIVEN! WOO!

[–]staiano 0 points1 point ago

...some are sad and some are glad...

:)

[–]mtnguyen4 0 points1 point ago

say that five times fast

[–]MacShirts 1 point2 points ago

I just went through something similar, quitting a shit stain job, and after I stopped giving a fuck about a lot of stuff, the job wasn't actually that bad, plus I realized I was really good at it...fuck I shouldn't have quit

[–]AngelRicky 0 points1 point ago

I'll gladly fuck you blue ways and red ways.

[–]dadrumma 0 points1 point ago

i have these in pj pants... only the original content!

[–]firecrotch59 0 points1 point ago

"Are You My Mother?"

[–]jleonardbc 1 point2 points ago

I do not give them in a box, I do not give them with a fox.

[–]clairioes 0 points1 point ago

Yay! It's my last day at a dollar tree and its getting increasingly difficult not to tell each customer that I don't fmgive a shit about their life story.

[–]klaydan 0 points1 point ago

Good for you for getting out of a shitty gig. Where did you wind up? Hopefully out of the industry, but if still in it, I hope you upgraded.

[–]somewhatstrange 0 points1 point ago

That is one job I will never, ever, ever, fucking ever do again! Congrats to you!

[–]sasahahalili 0 points1 point ago

That just made my day

[–]Wtfloki 0 points1 point ago

Would you like some no fucks and ham?

[–]caramilkbomb 0 points1 point ago

This is awesome....and congrats!

[–]willly 0 points1 point ago

What do you have against Native Americans and Smurfs? They need Fucks too.

[–]gigglefarting 0 points1 point ago

Hey man, today's the last day of my pizza delivery job. It's like we're twins.

[–]Uranus_Hz 0 points1 point ago

Do they serve Shitty Soup at the shitty restaurant?

[–]bruceyouaredrunk 0 points1 point ago

Gave my two weeks notice today. Can't wait.

[–]tykusstarcraft 0 points1 point ago

last day ..man every day

[–]purplejackets 0 points1 point ago

I really wish I could be saying this now...but all the jobs I've applied to seem to ignore me and my return check-ups...bastards.

[–]ManCity 0 points1 point ago

I usually prefer to give orange fucks.

[–]AgentFlynn 0 points1 point ago

Today was my last day at my shitty pool cleaning job. And that basically sums up exactly how I felt.

[–]gburron 0 points1 point ago

Hey! Me too! Congrats on moving on and happy Moving On day!

[–]xtinabot 0 points1 point ago

Know that feel, just quit my shitty restaurant job on Wednesday.

[–]MossBoss 0 points1 point ago

My last day is Monday. This sums it up nicely. Unemployment here I come!

[–]blondiee_x17 0 points1 point ago

I just quit mine yesterday. 2 weeks til sweet freedom.

[–]RileyWon 1 point2 points ago

"I FUCK FISHES!"

edit: I don't fuck fishes

[–]lordsum64 0 points1 point ago

Pfft, I do not give aleph-null fucks.

[–]stormshadow2400 0 points1 point ago

Congrats...I am putting in my two weeks notice in today at my shitty job and am taking next week off.

[–]bkuegs 1 point2 points ago

I once quit a restaurant job after being treated like shit for a year. The restaurant had a good team of bus boys over the summer and once they all left for college the owner hired four idiots that had no idea what they were doing I worked almost every day busting my ass off and was still barely tipped out by the servers and was yelled at by my boss for everything everyone else did. On my last day I wore extremely bright red shoes with our completely black outfit... I definitely did not give a single fuck that night.

[–]damnkids 0 points1 point ago

I quit my job for a better one today, but still have two weeks to go! Feelsgoodman!

[–]lolobean13 0 points1 point ago

Congratulations! I have to talk to a chef at a better restaurant. If I get hired, two weeks, man. Two weeks.

[–]MedievalKnieval 0 points1 point ago

I thought my restaurant job was shitty until I had a string of much shittier jobs. At least a restaurant has you working indoors most of the time.

[–]car_bon 0 points1 point ago

Hey me too! Bro-hugs

[–]WilsonHanks 0 points1 point ago

A red fuck does not sound pleasant.

[–]IRoarForDinosaurs 0 points1 point ago

Are we the same person? Because it's my last day at my shitty restaurant job too. I kid you not.

[–]zitfarmer 0 points1 point ago

The sequel to theres a lorax in my thorax.

[–]Notgoingawaysoon 0 points1 point ago

My last day too. Congrats!

[–]shifty1776 0 points1 point ago

I feel ya. Last day at my job today too. and its a three day weekend. I have no fucks left to give.

[–]rustyoldtimer 0 points1 point ago

fuck working in restaurants.

[–]Zombette 0 points1 point ago

I wish I could say it was my last day.

[–]ajkelley1012 0 points1 point ago

Oh my gosh are you my sister? she just quit her awful job too.If you are that would be weird that your a Redditor.

[–]beefinbed 0 points1 point ago

PATRICK???

[–]KojaKuqit 0 points1 point ago

No Fucks Given AH AH AH

[–]anniikerr 0 points1 point ago

Me too!!

[–]ItsReptarRAWR 0 points1 point ago

Good! I quit mine today too. I just wanted to throw the food in people's face and take their wallets.

[–]21nipples 0 points1 point ago

Give no fucks anywhere

[–]ahepler72 0 points1 point ago

racist

[–]franknferter 0 points1 point ago

I work at a bookstore and my last day is tomorrow. I can't thank you enough for finding this.

[–]Klashus 0 points1 point ago

general kitchen work was the most stressful shitty paying unsatisfying work i have ever done.

[–]Vanilla_Dreams 0 points1 point ago

Where'd you work?

[–]BooNinja 1 point2 points ago

last day at my technical support job too :) seconded

[–]johnnie_vs_jack 1 point2 points ago

Suburban restaurant jobs do suck, but I'm in Manhattan. I love my restaurant job! I make more than these stiffs on Wall Street that I see mindlessly wondering the streets when I slept until 1pm and I'm getting my coffee.

[–]WawaSC 1 point2 points ago

My job is at LI. I barely get paid above minimum. I've been here for 3 years and i get 25 cent increase a year.

I used to be okay with it. But since the place got renovated and expanded, my job got a lot worse. were basically getting the same pay, same amount oif people but with more work and more service hours to do.

its BS. i need to get out.

[–]johnnie_vs_jack 1 point2 points ago

I get $10 an hour plus tips. My taxes at hover at 38%, but I'm fine with that because it's worth it in what get out of my job and work environment.

[–]teslator 0 points1 point ago

You'd think LinkedIn would pay more than that :(

[–]JediMasterSam -4 points-3 points ago

Anyone seeking more info might also check here:

title comnts points age /r/
No fucks of any kind! 0coms 3pts 2mos funny
My favorite book as an adult. 1com 11pts 2mos funny
I do not give... 6coms 168pts 4mos funny
When anyone criticizes me for smoking the herb 10coms 444pts 1mo trees
How I feel when people complain 1com 4pts 1mo funny

source: karmadecay

[–]WhovianGleek 7 points8 points ago

It may be the same picture, but at least it's in a different context.

[–]JediMasterSam 0 points1 point ago

Shit floats to the top.

[–]nottooshabbyatall -3 points-2 points ago

You should get fired.

[–]guantanamoslay 0 points1 point ago

Congrats!