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1350
1351

Cooking logic (i.imgur.com)

submitted ago by Trinityofwar

all 176 comments
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[–]knuckboy 64 points65 points ago

I had a roommate once with whom we'd go hit a restaurant with some regularity. Often a bar and we'd get jalapeno stuffers. EVERY DAMN TIME he would grab one immediately when they arrived. EVERY DAMN TIME he burned the hell out of his mouth and chin. EVERY DAMN TIME.

[–]Bearly_Mach 26 points27 points ago

You would think he'd learn his lesson. Burning your tongue ruins the meal.

[–]Skyrim_Enthusiast 14 points15 points ago

This kills the appetite.

[–]archemedes_rex 9 points10 points ago

Because, y'know, now it hurts to eat.

[–]jeremyjh 6 points7 points ago

Burn hurt.

[–]I_FISTED_MY_GRANDMA 1 point2 points ago

It numbs my tongue usually.

[–]CH3CH2OH_Fiend 0 points1 point ago

You..... fisted your..... Grandmother????????

[–]I_FISTED_MY_GRANDMA 0 points1 point ago

Sure!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[–]oxile 0 points1 point ago

Well they went regularly so maybe it made it better

[–]Lupawolf 1 point2 points ago

Or possibly he went there so regularly his tastebuds adapted so he could scald the fuck out of his tongue but food still tastes good.

My Every Damn Time is hot chocolate. Then the entire cup either go old while my tongue heals or it tastes like shit while my mouth is going WTF!

[–]queenofthecanned 1 point2 points ago

Make sure he doesn't breed

[–]k1t73n 81 points82 points ago

Every god damn time.....

[–]JKR93 8 points9 points ago

I don't know of I'm the only one, but I also do this, to speed up the waiting time I just put something like that in the freezer for like 30 seconds or so and when you take them out, they're still hot but not on fire and managable to eat.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago

I think that's actually bad for your freezer.

[–]Xenophyophore 1 point2 points ago

Not really, it pumps the same amount. It does in fact radiate more heat, and fuck with the frozen things.

[–]jasenlee 0 points1 point ago

Who cares? If it shaving 30 seconds off your pizza roll wait time that's a sacrifice that needs to be made.

[–]aldude3 37 points38 points ago

Glad I am not the only white trash here.

[–]Good_Guy_Graig 29 points30 points ago

TIL I can also be white trash even though I'm black...

[–]srsyracuse 20 points21 points ago

TIL Pizza Rolls = white trash?

[–]RiPotato 29 points30 points ago

TIL black people are pizza rolls.

[–]I_FISTED_MY_GRANDMA 6 points7 points ago

I don't think i should call them that. Should I? Do you think they'd get mad?

[–]queenofthecanned 5 points6 points ago

Yourhfuckingnameman!

[–]Good_Guy_Graig 0 points1 point ago

WHY DID YOU POINT THAT OUT?! My curiosity has failed me.

[–]duBiYou 1 point2 points ago

No just call us niggers, in public in front of other black people. We wont get mad. You have my guarantee :D

[–]jtisch 0 points1 point ago

TIL pizza rolls are black.

[–]roboticmumbleman 0 points1 point ago

...This gets reposted?

[–]Handicap_stall 27 points28 points ago

Shit, now I want pizza rolls.

[–]archemedes_rex 12 points13 points ago

I have pizza rolls. How fast can you get to Alaska?

[–]Handicap_stall 11 points12 points ago

I on my waaaaayyy...

[–]andrewg14ak 7 points8 points ago

Two fellow Alaskans eating pizza rolls together.

[–]I_FISTED_MY_GRANDMA -1 points0 points ago

Make some space on this love stained leather fuck-cushion.

[–]I_FISTED_MY_GRANDMA 0 points1 point ago

Anchorage?

[–]BDS_UHS 0 points1 point ago

Leave a comment on this webzone and I'll send you a pizza roll.

[–]bsjay 25 points26 points ago

Step 6 should be more like "Forget about pizza rolls for 3 hours while playing video games, then eat"

[–]Bearly_Mach 1 point2 points ago

You should have more up votes for this.

[–]heiser7708 33 points34 points ago

I pity any one who microwaves their pizza rolls these days.

[–]2ndChanceCharlie 51 points52 points ago

Seriously, you can't wait 13 minutes to have delicious little crisp snacks instead of molten soggy nard bags?

[–]Bearly_Mach 35 points36 points ago

molten soggy nard bags

Best description of food I've read in awhile.

[–]Jacob5724 4 points5 points ago

Agreed

[–]heiser7708 6 points7 points ago

That's what I'm saying. The oven is the only way to go.

[–]Klarthy 6 points7 points ago

And you get a much nicer heat distribution! No "hot pocket" effect.

[–]vegeto079 9 points10 points ago

I don't get all this hate on microwaving, never did. Nor have I ever understood a "hot pocket" effect. Cook your damn food for the right damn time (or slightly over, if you want to be sure, can't hurt) and it comes out nicely. I have never, ever bit into a cold part of a hot pocket except when I undercooked my food on accident, in which case I popped it back in for the remaining time and enjoyed a good hot pocket. Perhaps your microwave have poor hot spots, in which case stop sticking it in the middle of the microwave, stick it on the outer edges so it rotates and gets cooked more evenly.

Or are you sticking in 3 hot pockets at a time, making up a time, and hoping they all cook properly? Because that's pretty much what you're doing when you put any more pizza rolls than it says to in the microwave. Of course it's not going to distribute heat right, you're putting more in than it said to. (I also do this because fuck heating up 8 at a time, but complaining about heat distribution doesn't make sense when you do that)

However, I naturally lean towards the microwave as I hate crunchy/crispy foods, due to my teeth being kind of shitty and it hurting to eat, rather than enjoying. I love me some microwaved pizza.

I think the main problem is people undercooking everything due to wanting it right now, then eating it burning themselves. Have some discipline, cook it for just over the time it says to, give it a minute or two in the microwave to cool down and finish cooking evenly, and then it's delicious and warm.

[–]Nerd_Swag 29 points30 points ago

WARNING: PROFESSIONAL MICROWAVE CHEF RANTING ON FOR 4 PARAGRAPHS ABOUT PROPERLY COOKING HOT POCKETS

[–]vegeto079 -4 points-3 points ago

I apologize that I can properly read instructions on a hot pocket box, therefore enabling me to eat delicious, properly cooked hot pockets. I know that is very hard for you to do, and I wasn't thinking about how your 2 seconds of time spent reading them could be better spent upvoting a picture of a cat and burning your mouth.

People complaining about uncooked/too hot microwaved food, and when you try to explain how it's user error and not the microwave's fault, they get butthurt. Who would've guessed?

.

edit: lol, downvotes everywhere. Funny, coming from a bunch of people who upvote things about working in IT and having to deal with idiots whose problems are caused by nothing but user errors, yet when they have a problem they would refuse to believe it could be solved by actually reading instructions. Hivemind doesn't like being criticized is the lesson to learn here?

[–]Nerd_Swag 3 points4 points ago

"Delicious hot pockets" lolwut?

[–]vegeto079 -1 points0 points ago

Philly cheesesteak hot pockets are delicious. Pepperoni and all the basic flavors are meh.

I'll have to point out that my taste buds don't exactly match yours, no matter how hard that might be to grasp.

[–]Nerd_Swag 0 points1 point ago

Don't need to be an asshat about it. You were the one ranting on about how us white trash should learn how to cook a motherfucking hot pocket right. Seriously, grow up. This conversation will continue when you come back with a pair.

[–]srsyracuse 6 points7 points ago

too long. did not read.

[–]RiPotato 0 points1 point ago

TL;DR Microwaves got swag.

[–]vegeto079 -1 points0 points ago

tl;dr: RTFM

[–]Rapta22 2 points3 points ago

Had hot pockets at school today. My friend said they have two temperatures. Freezing cold, or Boiling lava hot. Then we got into a discussion on how lava can't boil, and then i burnt the fuck out of my mouth. Fuck hotpockets.

[–]econymous 0 points1 point ago

Lava can in fact boil. See Venus.

[–]Nerd_Swag 0 points1 point ago

He probably quoted the boiling lava hot thing from Jim Gaffigan's Hot Pocket segment/string of jokes thingy. That string is just about the funniest thing I have ever heard.

[–]Rapta22 1 point2 points ago

Ah. Most likely. Haven't heard it before, but he's pretty into comedy.

[–]zelmerszoetrop 1 point2 points ago

Every time anybody says "hot pocket," I read it in Gaffigan's voice.

[–]yethegodless 2 points3 points ago

NOOOOOOOOO.

[–]_Splashy 0 points1 point ago

When you have the munchies you say fuck waiting.

[–]The_Determinator -2 points-1 points ago

*When you are a sweaty fat-fuck

[–]econymous 0 points1 point ago

Or stoned

[–]Nerd_Swag -1 points0 points ago

*I'm a condescending dickhead.

[–]desert_girl 2 points3 points ago

Heck no. I have a crap oven. It would take about 30 minutes just for it to heat. By then, I would have just made a sandwich and called it a day.

[–]The_Determinator 7 points8 points ago

Get a toaster oven. As small as a microwave, yet infinitely better results when heating or re-heating smaller portions of food.

[–]desert_girl 2 points3 points ago

That's a good suggestion. Thank you!

[–]Strumphs 1 point2 points ago

I love my toaster oven. It heats up faster than an oven, uses less electricity, and doesn't heat up the place too much (which is very important in the summer).

A poor bachelor in a tiny apartment can get by just fine with a hot plate and a toaster oven.

[–]The_Determinator -1 points0 points ago

MASTER RACE, MASTER RACE!!

[–]I_FISTED_MY_GRANDMA 1 point2 points ago

Are nards nuts? Kinda like nads?

[–]2ndChanceCharlie 0 points1 point ago

They are indeed.

[–]lmpervious -1 points0 points ago

When you microwave them and let them sit for a few minutes, they aren't soggy.

[–]haloimplant 3 points4 points ago

I got a really nice toaster oven as a gift and it is so awesome for stuff like this, leftover pizza, etc. Heats up fast, digital controls, big enough for an entire frozen pizza, it's better than the oven in my apartment. Microwave is pretty much only used for soup and other wet stuff.

[–]tk_ink 3 points4 points ago

You don't bite down on the pizza roll, all willy nilly. Munch on the corners to let the insides cool quicker.

[–]DrewCDoll 3 points4 points ago

Yes! Exactly! By the time you nibble the corners off all the rolls the first one is cool enough to eat.

[–]jorsiem 4 points5 points ago

Are we stealing form collegehumor now? I remember when I was a senior in HS this article came out.

Mac-n-cheese on adderall is the best one, btw.

[–]jobbybobby 6 points7 points ago

leave a message on this webzone and I will email you a pizza roll.

[–]DocSporky510 3 points4 points ago

Chef Harry Plinkett's personal recipe

[–]CollegeWiseSuni 5 points6 points ago

Oh, to have honest instructions like this....

[–]Battletooth 11 points12 points ago

That would be terrible.

"I really want to wait for it to cool down... But... I guess I have to bite into now so I can pull this molten pepperoni off my lips..."

[–]RiPotato 3 points4 points ago

"Man I'm hungry, but the instructions say to the couch..."

[–]notericmathews 1 point2 points ago

/r/trees logic

[–]RahvinDragand 2 points3 points ago

"Are your hot pockets cold in the center?" "Completely frozen, but they can also be served boiling lava hot." "Will it burn my mouth?" "It will destroy your mouth. Everything will taste like rubber for a week."

[–]TheUndeadSaiyan 0 points1 point ago

What is this from? I'm drawing a blank

[–]RahvinDragand 0 points1 point ago

Jim Gaffigan

[–]TheUndeadSaiyan 0 points1 point ago

Oh yeah. That guy really likes food.

[–]Sh8y_L8y 2 points3 points ago

I like to nibble off one edge then blow into the little pizza pocket until an appropriate temperature has been obtained.

[–]PENIX 2 points3 points ago

These instructions are too complicated. I just put the entire box in the microwave on high until a lot of steam comes out.

[–]WOWNICEONE 2 points3 points ago

What I always hated about those things is that they say cook in multiples of 6, but the bag'll have like 40 in it. Why, pizza rolls.

[–]briguy182182 6 points7 points ago

Anyone seeking more info might also check here:

title comnts points age /r/
so true you delicious bastards 34coms 622pts 8mos funny
How to cook Pizza Rolls like a Boss 3coms 10pts 1yr funny
How I make Pizza Rolls 6coms 231pts 1mo trees
Honest Pizza Roll Directions 13coms 117pts 1yr funny

[–]Eeshnarf -2 points-1 points ago

I don't get it. Why does every single repost have someone either posting a table like this, or linking to karmadecay? It's not clever or adding to the discussion in any way. Just because you lack the fortitude to get out of your chair and do something different each day doesn't mean it's everyone else's responsibility to ceaselessly spoon-feed you original content.

I go on Reddit every day, and this is the first time I've seen this picture. I upvoted. You mad?

[–]makemeking706 7 points8 points ago

It's for more information, clearly.

Edit: And it demonstrates titles which receive upvotes and those that do not. It is fairly interesting how certain title wordings trend.

[–]Linwe_Ancalime 0 points1 point ago

It is really annoying to go to the comments of a funny picture expecting to see a good discussion when instead all you see is people shouting REPOST! I'd be more understanding if this was reposted from a few days ago, but it was last posted 8 months ago. That's approximately a century in reddit time.

[–]RiPotato 2 points3 points ago

Except, just about nobody in this thread is shouting "REPOST!"

[–]Linwe_Ancalime 0 points1 point ago

I should have mentioned that I didn't mean that was happening in this one, just in general. These tables always show up no matter what though, even if it was last posted more than a year ago.

[–]RiPotato 2 points3 points ago

I agree that they can get annoying, but so do the comments calling them out on it. The post is upvoted a lot, which means a lot of people haven't seen it. However, these comments are usually at or near the top, meaning a lot of people have seen it as well. I'd just prefer if people just left it to the voting system and actually talked about the post in the comments.

[–]nizzleh 2 points3 points ago

How those comments even get upvotes is beyond me...

[–]Binsky89 0 points1 point ago

Have an up vote for a well formulated argument.

[–]overused-meme-alert -1 points0 points ago

like a Boss

WEEOOOWEEOOOWEEOOO.

[–]IPickOnYou 2 points3 points ago

Molten pepperoni.

That shit is HOT.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

They're 100 times better if cooked in the oven. Pretty much everything is if it's one of the alternatives. It takes longer, but I'd say it's worth the weight.

[–]Jyaketto 3 points4 points ago

worth the weight.

yeah. cooking things in the oven makes them really heavy.

[–]RiPotato 1 point2 points ago

Eating them makes you heavier.

[–]I_FISTED_MY_GRANDMA 0 points1 point ago

But it takes more work and time to make them in the oven. And in that time, you could get too hungry and indulge yourself with pre-made snacks. Then, when your little balls of pizza are done, you have to eat MORE. THUS, fat productive people? GABEN. GABEN GABEN.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

"What's wordplay?"

[–]pikchertaker 0 points1 point ago

I am so glad I'm not the only impatient one. You would think I would learn after getting blisters in my mouth...

[–]stormy0ceaneyes 0 points1 point ago

Never varies from this either...

[–]cclementi6 1 point2 points ago

Great, now the word "logic" is being overused. Seriously, be creative!

[–]westdonkeykong 1 point2 points ago

Step 7 seems to happen frequently.

[–]sh_annie 0 points1 point ago

My favorite part: Fall asleep on couch.

[–]Binsky89 0 points1 point ago

You forgot to eat the still frozen ones, because who has time to microwave them a second time.

[–]JustinAero 0 points1 point ago

I find that 2:30 is the perfect time for everything, hot pockets, pizza, chicken nuggets, etc.

[–]B0Boman 1 point2 points ago

If you want me to mail you some pizza rolls, comment on this webzone.

[–]asnof 0 points1 point ago

This isnt logic, its routine

[–]RemzeZ 0 points1 point ago

They were thinking outside the box when they put that 7th instruction in.

[–]Newguy23 0 points1 point ago

was just showing this to people at school, on monday -.-

[–]AMK88 1 point2 points ago

E-MAIL ME IF YOU WANT A PIZZA ROLL

[–]DJAshian 0 points1 point ago

Something tells me this might be fake...

[–]AuditoreKiller -1 points0 points ago

I've been eating them wrong the whole time. D:

[–]Infini-Bus 1 point2 points ago

I used to microwave frozen food, but then I learned it's so worth the wait to use the oven so they're crispy instead of soggy.

[–]SWABteam 1 point2 points ago

Comment on this webzone and I'll mail you some pizza rolls.

[–]Cnhwaffle 0 points1 point ago

Hey! This sounds like my evening when I get home.

[–]Schobbo 0 points1 point ago

Sounds awesome, I want some of those now.

[–]Dekar173 0 points1 point ago

Yes I too remember my first day on the internet.

[–]sh2248 0 points1 point ago

And I thought I was doing it wrong this whole time

[–]misterfanwank 1 point2 points ago

Wait IMPATIENTLY for rolls to cool off. There's nothing patient about it because you'll still try one every 45 seconds.

[–]mmmapplesauce 1 point2 points ago

6 [fixed] put in freezer to cool off

[–]TerryArchi 0 points1 point ago

Of all the generic titles you could choose, you chose one of them.

[–]zadigger 0 points1 point ago

ANYONE ELSE DISCOVER OLD EL PASO TACO ROLLS?!

[–]econymous 0 points1 point ago

...i'm about to

[–]icky_fingers 0 points1 point ago

This made me laugh so fucking hard.

[–]almighty_ruler 1 point2 points ago

8 Wake up and scrape dead skin from roof of mouth.

[–]econymous 0 points1 point ago

...your mouth has skin?

I blanched.

[–]JasonUncensored 0 points1 point ago

I wish there were a better way!

[–]I_can_fluff_myself 1 point2 points ago

10 minutes in a toaster oven.

[–]JasonUncensored 0 points1 point ago

Steps 4 through 7 would still occur.

[–]sladoid 0 points1 point ago

God I feel so fat and lazy

[–]artfartmke 0 points1 point ago

They forgot the first step: Stumble home drunk.

[–]bille747 0 points1 point ago

Yeah! Fuck waiting! XD

[–]jessesomething 0 points1 point ago

Who cooks them in the microwave? Much better in the oven. (Falls asleep while cooking)

[–]Meebert 0 points1 point ago

When I began college I decided to cool off my pizza rolls by blowing my roommates fan on the pizza rolls, I left the door open to spread the smell down the hall. Fans work pretty decent and the AC from your car does quite well, listening to random people ask why it smells like pizza rolls is optional.

[–]shadowbyfear -1 points0 points ago

i think this belongs on r/trees. hahaha!

[–]ostereje 0 points1 point ago

i laughede soo much, cause its true!!

[–]Lupawolf 0 points1 point ago

Ok, who the fuck has been spying on me???

[–]avgn 0 points1 point ago

Why do I need to fuck them and empty my entire bags?

[–]color_thine_fate 1 point2 points ago

  • Jim Gaffigan

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Bearly_Mach 0 points1 point ago

Oh the hatred!!

[–]Bearly_Mach 0 points1 point ago

It boils like an overlooked hot pocket.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Bearly_Mach -2 points-1 points ago

You wasted your time with that fucktard link.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Bearly_Mach 0 points1 point ago

My replies were sarcasm at your comment and I had upvoted before replying. I don't watch or like South Park, so I don't quite get it. I was commenting from my phone and feeling too lazy to edit. Fucktard wasn't at the link, it was at the content.

No, not 12.

[–]Drathanas 0 points1 point ago

*Reddit "cooking"

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]RalphWasntHere 3 points4 points ago

Orly?

[–]Nerd_Swag 0 points1 point ago

/sarcasm No, these were the actual directions on the Pizza Rolls bag!

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Nerd_Swag 0 points1 point ago

My bad. It's just kinda hard to tell if someone's being sarcastic over the Internet. Sorry, and have a great day.

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