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On the toilet after my first cup of joe (imgur.com)

submitted ago by DanGoRawr

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[–]Elarania 249 points250 points ago

Me after my first cup :)

[–]rabidassbaboon 74 points75 points ago

Yeah, one of the main reasons I drink coffee in the morning is because it makes it fall right out.

[–]Atrosityy 121 points122 points ago

There's no point in shitting if there is no struggle.

[–]rabidassbaboon 56 points57 points ago

To each their own. I prefer a nice, peaceful morning shit as opposed to an epic battle against the kraken.

[–]Atrosityy 50 points51 points ago

It has to be a full on "DEMON, DEPART MY ANUS!"

[–]ilikeapples312 11 points12 points ago

RELEASE THE KRAKEN

[–]RobertJ93 6 points7 points ago

You sunk my battleship.

[–]Carduceus 10 points11 points ago

You sunk my battleshit FTFY

[–]lnclincoln 8 points9 points ago

If that's how you poop than you have constipation which can lead to several colon diseases later in life. Please eat more fiber!

[–]Atrosityy 0 points1 point ago

It's not constipation, I had that before ad t'was not nice.

[–]InsertDiscSeven 9 points10 points ago

http://i.imgur.com/OYxef.png

[–]Gooberpatrol66 4 points5 points ago

I'd like to see both of those scenarios happening simultaneously.

[–]KhamanV 0 points1 point ago

You've never had the uncorker? A serene little chunk accompanied by a distant, worrying gurgle and followed by several moments of horrifying brown water rapids?

[–]justwentfullderp -1 points0 points ago

Crappen

FTFY

[–]PORN_TITLE_RATER 137 points138 points ago

4/10

[–]aldude3 20 points21 points ago

2nd time I have seen you. I am indifferent about your existence.

[–]PeruTheGnar 4 points5 points ago

My 3rd time seeing this user. Got my eyes on 'em.

[–]aldude3 4 points5 points ago

He is going to be big.

[–]donpapillon -5 points-4 points ago

You. I think I like you.

[–]plantsaretheorigin 0 points1 point ago

I like to have a considerable volume, but for it to spray easy as a wild oil well.

[–]BTBAMsean -1 points0 points ago

you sir. you're funny. you know that?

[–]jaggysnake3 11 points12 points ago

Aww yeah. "Coffee increases rectosigmoid motor activity within 4 min after ingestion in some people. Its effects on the colon are found to be comparable to those of a 1000 kCal meal." Yeah science!

[–]EGriffi5 4 points5 points ago

Came to the comments to see if someone could explain my regular post coffee poops and was not let down.

[–]unhapztoms 5 points6 points ago

that's very loose butthole of you, literally

[–]rabidassbaboon 5 points6 points ago

See, Marky Mark's look is very tight butthole. Your look is the loosest butthole I've ever seen.

[–]Wheniod 0 points1 point ago

I know for a fact if I want to take a shit, I drink coffee.

[–]meaintrussell 0 points1 point ago

Yeah. Couple that with some cheese-related breakfast. Splooosh.

[–]PresidentBarackOsama -1 points0 points ago

I get it, that's an anal prolapse joke.

Good one! Good one!

[–]shitfacehammered 5 points6 points ago

Me after my first cup :0

[–]Chipmunkster 2 points3 points ago

I swear, this is probably the cutest .gif I have seen.

[–]dszordan 36 points37 points ago

How did they film that, stop, then say "Yes, this looks good. That's a wrap!"

[–]borntorunathon 26 points27 points ago

Actually, that was the second take. On the first take he looked cool, calm, collected and heroic. But they decided it didn't work so they said, "No. Do it again. And this time, look more like a complete dipshit."

[–]SenorFish 4 points5 points ago

such a good actor.

[–]underattack86 0 points1 point ago

And 30 seconds later, Joey fuckin Diaz out of nowhere. That film's a fucking work of insanity.

[–]Kyyy_Funk_89 61 points62 points ago

How about this?

[–]Southpaw1 15 points16 points ago

Dat neck tendon

[–]jaggysnake3 4 points5 points ago

That's actually his internal jugular vein. Dat JVP.

[–]dorksquad 0 points1 point ago

JVD. jugular vein distention.

[–]Southpaw1 0 points1 point ago

Ah so it is. Thanks for setting me straight

[–]Ironsmith77 80 points81 points ago

Am I the only one around here who doesn't have to shit after a cup of coffee?

[–]fabtastik 24 points25 points ago

I have to piss more but that's it...Our colons are just that awesome.

[–]johnylaw 3 points4 points ago

Any hot drink makes me have to piss irrelevant to the quantity of urine in my bladder.

[–]Z0idberg_MD 19 points20 points ago

I really think this is more due to the fact that they slept all night and probably had to go to the bathroom anyway. Both their shit and their coffee were brewing at the same time.

I personally think it's coincidence. "Every time I have my morning coffee my dog shits on the lawn too. I think it's because the coffee".

[–]fancy-chips 4 points5 points ago

I drink 2 cups every morning and have never had to take a dump until after lunch. I guess I'm just on that cycle.

[–]finallymadeanaccount 0 points1 point ago

1 fancy-chips, 2 cups.

[–]kmoz 2 points3 points ago

Coffee is a known laxative. Been used as such for forever.

[–]Keightler 0 points1 point ago

I drink well over a pot and a half of coffee a day. I should have a chronic case of explosive diarrhea if this were true, yet I shit just fine.

[–]kmoz 2 points3 points ago

its not the kind that makes you have explosive diarrhea, but it does soften your poop and stuff.

Dont drink coffee for a couple days and I bet youll be shitting brix.

[–]josephsh 1 point2 points ago

I don't, nor after Taco Bell and the like.

[–]Squatso 0 points1 point ago

I used to feel the urge. Not as much these days but it still happens as a minor effect.

[–]borderline_spectrum 1 point2 points ago

Try coffee and a cigarette. Release the hounds!

[–]Patitas 0 points1 point ago

Oh yeahhh! So many times, sprinting up the stairs to get back home thinking that that shit is going to go all alien on my butthole...

[–]MisterYouAreSoDumb 0 points1 point ago

No, I never have to either. However, now whenever I eat sushi, 20 minutes later it happens like clockwork. It's not a bad thing either, it just happens.

[–]Shamwow22 0 points1 point ago

Am I the only one who doesn't get diarrhea from Taco Bell?

[–]pubup 16 points17 points ago

Dude same. Every morning I turn into spiderman.

[–]epraider 3 points4 points ago

I really need to start drinking coffee then....

[–]MrJamTrousers 33 points34 points ago

The thunderous dookie-blast that I unleash about 30 minutes after I first start drinking coffee is, honestly, one of the most cleansing and cathartic parts of my day. Afterwards I feel like a new man.

[–]-Shork- 17 points18 points ago

In this thread are people who I never knew existed. The solemn existence of a habitual coffee-dumper is discrete.

[–]houseofbacon 6 points7 points ago

There's tons of us. No joke.

[–]MrJamTrousers 2 points3 points ago

There's tons of it. No joke.

Trust me.

[–]64oz_Slurprise 14 points15 points ago

You might want to eat something first before coffee.

[–]joevmm 23 points24 points ago

CUP OF WHAT!?!?

[–]pubup 29 points30 points ago

joseph*

[–]SanJose_Sharks 9 points10 points ago

I live in San Francisco and around here a "Cup of Joe" is a completely different thing. Still involves a cup, but it's white instead of black and a lot thicker texture.

[–]cursed_chaos 4 points5 points ago

took me a while...

[–]Matt_Flo 4 points5 points ago

It's paint!

[–]usernametaken8 6 points7 points ago

Nah, smells more like bleach.

[–]redbaloons99 8 points9 points ago

so my body dosnt like spicy foods and certain cheeses. i work at a pizza place and was starving. my co worker had offered me some pizza that he made so i was like "what the hay free pizza". i saw the jalapenos on it and tried to pick the off not realizing that there was feta cheese (my butts arch nemesis) on the pizza as well. i had 2 slices. fast forward to an hour or so later when in got home i felt the rumbling in my gut that im sure every person on this earth knows far to well. feeling this feel i ran to the bathroom barley making it to the throne where my bowls released the most violent and vile dump i have ever taken. i shit you not i literately blacked out for two seconds and woke up drooling. after i came to i felt refreshed wiped and whent about my evening.

has any one else ever passed out while taking a dump? (this isnt a troll it really happend last night)

[–]TeethofBusey 8 points9 points ago

Well, that sure gives a new definition to the phrase "brown out".

[–]tikituki 0 points1 point ago

http://i.imgur.com/MjWLp.jpg

[–]TheDirty1 12 points13 points ago

On the toilet after drinking alcohol all night. FTFY

[–]MeandBaby12 5 points6 points ago

On the toilet 30 min after taking Adderal or Vyvanse. FTFY

Best shit you will ever take.

[–]bot_hog_dun 1 point2 points ago

Honestly one of my favorite activities on Adderal is shitting. Nothing like a little stimulation to get those bowels moving.

[–]iVoid 0 points1 point ago

Taking Adderal with coffee FTFY

[–]MisterYouAreSoDumb -2 points-1 points ago

Bullshit. Ecstasy shits are better!

[–]Special_Redditor 4 points5 points ago

And yet you keep drinking it...

[–]themangeraaad 13 points14 points ago

I don't like taking my morning poop unless I have at least a sip of coffee first. It just feels wrong.

[–]Jables237 12 points13 points ago

What the fuck do you people eat? I spent all day at the Minnesota state fair yesterday stuffing my face full of deep fried chocolate covered everything on a stick and there was no battle or struggle.

[–]cursed_chaos 13 points14 points ago

you have a gift, my friend. my bowels react with devastating power when they come in contact with everything but bread and water

[–]Jables237 0 points1 point ago

I would say see a doctor but I guess I am the abnormal one.

[–]shaloham 8 points9 points ago

YOU HAVE SUMMONED THE MINNESOTA KARMA TRAIN

[–]mercnet 6 points7 points ago

Well how nice for you. It's great you've got a golden rectum of the gods, but the rest of us need Chipotlaway.

[–]ENTwistlesbass 1 point2 points ago

Such a great get-together! Walleye on a stick ftw

[–]mathangis 3 points4 points ago

Does anyone else care to know what is going on in spiderman at this point in the movie?

[–]shitfacehammered 7 points8 points ago

Either getting blown by Mary Jane or stopping a runaway train...can't remember though.

[–]shaloham 3 points4 points ago

I think he was getting blown by a runaway train.

[–]tswpoker1 2 points3 points ago

Haha every time, usually about 3 hours after the first cup it's game time

[–]houseofbacon 4 points5 points ago

3 hours? I have trouble finishing a large cup.

[–]littleinsect 5 points6 points ago

Yeah, I usually get an irresistible urge halfway through cup #1.

[–]houseofbacon -1 points0 points ago

I just had a bunch of fruit before bed too, plus the oatmeal tomorrow for breakfast, I'm gonna empty out like a boss.

[–]EccentricBolt 2 points3 points ago

At work, I always yell out "release the kraken!".

My boss doesn't get it.

[–]bean1s 1 point2 points ago

Every morning.

[–]bryanwithawhy 1 point2 points ago

Same goes for a cigarette after a hefty meal.

[–]just99cents 0 points1 point ago

Thats me after taco truck food and a night of heavy drinking.

[–]shellykidd 0 points1 point ago

Terrific!

[–]aviator2 0 points1 point ago

Smokeless tobacco makes me need to shit immediately.

[–]YETIS_DICK 0 points1 point ago

my thoughts exactly. if coffee makes you shit, don't try dip. the laxative effect is the main reason i stopped dipping.

[–]Svenchen1429 0 points1 point ago

we all know there is one benefit of getting to work early, before anyone else is in the office... the sheer satisfaction of knowing you were the first coworker to spiderman the shit out of the communal toilet that day is nearly as rewarding as that petty christmas bonus your boss gives out every year

[–]pmthomson90 0 points1 point ago

Me after my first cup of joe + Mexican food.

[–]MisterMondayZ 0 points1 point ago

Poop jokes will never get old

[–]jimminyjojo 1 point2 points ago

You do not deserve so many upvotes, but, fuck it have another.

[–]mnemonie 0 points1 point ago

Straining like that could increase your chance of getting colon cancer.

[–]flatlander00321 0 points1 point ago

That was me trying to shit after my hemorrhoidectomy.

[–]backmask 1 point2 points ago

Really? Mine usually just pours right out.

[–]nanltech 1 point2 points ago

I laughed so hard I started tearing up. Too funny.

[–]shellykidd 0 points1 point ago

My son, Joe, and I, can't stop bursting out laughing about this...

[–]stash0606 0 points1 point ago

I'm sorry that Joe transforms you into SpiderMan on the toilet.

[–]skjellyfetti 1 point2 points ago

Be careful: That's how Elvis died: Straining at stool.

[–]coferj 0 points1 point ago

Oh, that was fucking great. Up vote for you, sir.

[–]wogturt 1 point2 points ago

Why is it almost always just the first cup? Any other cup later doesn't make me shit my pants.

[–]TurksDelight 1 point2 points ago

Once, during a doctor visit, he told me that our intestines are essentially sleeping while we are, or at least should be if no late night meals are involved. The caffeine in coffee wakes our intestines, too, which is why most people have to go to the bathroom right after that first cup.

Had just filed that bit of information somewhere in my brain, never thought it'd come up again.

[–]quacka 0 points1 point ago

Yeah, our shit is basically fermenting in our intestines all night.

[–]iVoid 0 points1 point ago

Only the best ingredients gives it a rich hoppy smell

[–]wogturt 0 points1 point ago

Sweet, thanks for the info! It makes a bit more sense now. However, I still hate shitting my pants.

[–]TurksDelight 0 points1 point ago

Don't we all.

[–]Little_Italy 0 points1 point ago

This is just further evidence for my belief that Tobey Maguire's face always looks like he is pooping himself or has just finished pooping himself.

[–]racekarl 0 points1 point ago

i just wanted to post on reddit while obama was on reddit.

[–]dhodi -1 points0 points ago

Damn it joe, you had one job.

[–]mrTlicious 0 points1 point ago

You should probably get that checked out.

[–]Charbeans 0 points1 point ago

MY SIDE! I can't stop laughing

[–]ForgottenPhoenix 1 point2 points ago

Mexican food for lunch, followed by Indian food for dinner...

[–]SuperCoupe 1 point2 points ago

Damn dumbest scene in the movie.

Genius Peter Parker can't figure out any way to stop a train other than to stand in front of it.

[–]GramNapkin 0 points1 point ago

Get out of her J Jonah Jameson

[–]silaciouskrumb 0 points1 point ago

I hope your hair blows in the wind too from the trapped souls of your office, swirling around your stall, giving you the power to unleash the unholy ass spawn

[–]brickshandgrenade 0 points1 point ago

I'm more of a batman costume wearing pooper myself

[–]smoke2joints 0 points1 point ago

ive scheduled my poops all to be between the times of 8am-4pm, so i can take more breaks at work..

[–]The_A_Drain 0 points1 point ago

I try to avoid the Cup of Joe...

[–]Rivalfox 0 points1 point ago

I don't mean to turn this thread into...ya know... But I'll do it anyway..sigh. I can't handle Toby as spider man. Look at that stupid face...so irritating that i must.keep.watching

[–]Flannelz 0 points1 point ago

If coffee does this to you, don't ever start smoking...

[–]The_Mighty_Spork 0 points1 point ago

Can't say I've ever experienced this and had a morning cup of coffee for a decade.

[–]Anaract 0 points1 point ago

First cup.. ever? or of the day?

[–]quacka 1 point2 points ago

Everyone keeps talking like their coffee shit is the best part of their day. I would agree, but for me it always happens in the middle of class, and my professor doesn't like students leaving. Have you ever had to hold your coffee shit before? Its the worst feeling in the world. Sweat dripping down your face and shit. Then when you get the the bath room there is 5 other people in there who get to hear you explode on the toilette.

[–]MattGeigerFor3 0 points1 point ago

Brilliant

[–]ForteFZ 0 points1 point ago

so, why are there two people behind you as well?

[–]strack94 1 point2 points ago

all this talk about shit reminded me of this

http://youtu.be/CB3-GxI2D3s?t=36s

[–]NWhiteShyamalan 0 points1 point ago

And that's why I stopped drinking coffee.

[–]SpinyLumpsucker 0 points1 point ago

Fucking loled

[–]eztarget896 0 points1 point ago

how nobody has posted this yet

[–]babytaz777 0 points1 point ago

And then I jizzed in my pants

[–]jrfoster01 0 points1 point ago

Referring to it as a cup of Joe somehow made this better...

[–]_jsquared 0 points1 point ago

Reminding myself to show Jason from work bc we talk poop at work.

[–]HIFW_GIFs_React_ 0 points1 point ago

/r/HIFW

/r/reactiongifs

[–]Diggyd 0 points1 point ago

Tobey has here most horrendous facial expressions

[–]katzenjammer360 0 points1 point ago

Me after my first...can.

[–]senor_awesomepants 0 points1 point ago

Thats what you get for drinking joe

[–]Braden22 0 points1 point ago

Yeah coffee does it to me too, but it's much more subtle than the gif.

[–]Maxtrix07 0 points1 point ago

Yeah, I know this feel. Coffee seems to make me Spiderman more often than not.

[–]jea15001 0 points1 point ago

Toby McGuire is my least favorite actor.

[–]finallymadeanaccount 0 points1 point ago

What? Why does coffee make you people shit? All it does is give me enough energy to make another cup!

[–]Kyroe 0 points1 point ago

I too don the spidey outfit when I am ready to Punish the porcelain

[–]finallymadeanaccount 0 points1 point ago

I've come to the conclusion that 90% of otherwise-healthy Redditors have terminally weak sphincter muscles and suffer from incontinence. What the fuck is wrong with you people?! You drink coffee, you shit! You smoke cigarettes, you shit! You walk past a Taco Bell and you're pissing and shitting all over yourselves and all up and down the street! Read some of the comments in this thread, man! What the fuck?

[–]DeezCrackers 0 points1 point ago

Weird...I am watching that movie and it was just about that part when I clicked the link...huh.

[–]sum_dude 0 points1 point ago

glitch in the matrix worthy?

[–]y0Ur9r4NDm4 0 points1 point ago

I'm upvote 1234 :D :D :D

[–]Cripple_Kraut 0 points1 point ago

There's no greater feeling then getting paid to take a nice steamy poop.

[–]MrSamster911 0 points1 point ago

This is now a spiderman thread

[–]Crawdady21 0 points1 point ago

Doing this as we speak.

[–]Fender6187 0 points1 point ago

A stunning use of this gif.

[–]benzenoid 0 points1 point ago

The longer you look, the funnier it gets

[–]Kaashoed -1 points0 points ago

so you wear a spiderman suit on the toilet?

[–]thatguysammo -2 points-1 points ago

Why are you drinking Joe? what did he ever do to you?

[–]Teslanaut -2 points-1 points ago

This could be misconstrued in one of two ways. You either had a cup of coffee and are feeling a rush/runs or you had a cup of semen from a man named Joe and the gif is of him dispensing the necessary "Joe".

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]willherpyourderp 0 points1 point ago

Why?

[–]cursed_chaos 0 points1 point ago

you are in te wrong subreddit...

[–]cursed_chaos 0 points1 point ago

cent edit, on a mobile device..

[–]cursed_chaos 0 points1 point ago

fuck

[–]TheMrGhost -4 points-3 points ago

What the fuck is Joe?

[–]cursed_chaos 3 points4 points ago

coffee

[–]TheMrGhost -1 points0 points ago

And is there something special about this coffee that makes you shit like that?

[–]willymo 2 points3 points ago

Caffeine speeds up the post-digestive processes.

[–]telaranrhiod -3 points-2 points ago

How the fuck does toilet humor get up votes?

[–]TeethofBusey 4 points5 points ago

It's reddit, we also upvote "Hey Reddit, look at this neat rock I found in my backyard" pics. I for one, found this gif in the context of a bowel movement quite humorous.

[–]telaranrhiod 0 points1 point ago

Well then your an idiot

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