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1283
1284

Only in Australia. (i.imgur.com)

submitted ago by brmmm

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[–]deja-vu-comment 287 points288 points ago

The Onion?

[–]dwadwad 267 points268 points ago

*The Bloomin' Onion.

[–]Beersquid21 2 points3 points ago

That was clever.

[–]fairwayks -1 points0 points ago

Crave on!

[–]WtfWhereAreMyClothes 4 points5 points ago

I am hungry and did NOT need to see that right now.

[–]mtndrew1 1 point2 points ago

*Orlando Bloomin Onion

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]CurlyComputerGeek 2 points3 points ago

WOoosh

[–]TerrorBite 31 points32 points ago

The Chaser.

[–]elaphros 10 points11 points ago

Nope, as said below, comes originally from The Chaser

[–]Fellow51 0 points1 point ago

My guess exactly.

[–]BranchDavidian 3 points4 points ago

Yes. I remember reading a nearly identical article in the Onion, but I don't remember it taking place in Sydney.

[–]DrugsOnly 1 point2 points ago

I figured as much too. A true Australian masturbation enthusiast would use GHB.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Sariel007 4 points5 points ago

Don't worry you can wait a week and repost it, all the kids are doing it these days.

[–]Spazit 76 points77 points ago

I think the craziest thing is how this has been shopped.

Sometimes with a colour picture

Sometimes with a different b/w picture

And again, different b/w picture

But the wierdest one has got to be changing the city to Melbourne (the suburb of Coburg)

[–]StartledFrog 58 points59 points ago

These changes might have been done by friends of the people in the photos as jokes? This would also explain the reason for changing the city.

[–]TycoBrahe 4 points5 points ago

As one of these friends, I can confirm these rumors.

[–]frankiefresco 1 point2 points ago

You poor soul!

[–]dodecahedonist 7 points8 points ago

I mean, your second one has the city changed to Green Bay.

[–]avalkyrja 9 points10 points ago

I can't imagine anyone in Green Bay saying the word "wanker," they fucked up.

[–]NapoleonBonerparts 1 point2 points ago

It's funny how the third one got the black right, but fucked up on the white. So close. Also, I think it's pretty uncommon to see an image not complied of halftones due to newspaper printing standards.

[–]Jorgemeister 1 point2 points ago

It is amazing how history repeat itself.

[–]nbshark 0 points1 point ago

Kinda' came here to tell people the photo looks too crisp and high-res compared to the rest of the article and must be fake.

Thanks for confirming this. The article may still be real though. Even though I kind of doubt it... It's not really written seriously either...

[–]frankiefresco 1 point2 points ago

I believe that there used to be a website, where you could upload a photo and it gets put on the article. A lot of people where doing it on facebook a while back with a photo of their friend. As for city names, I don't thin you could change that though.

[–]vaugegermanknowledge 31 points32 points ago

If my memory serves me correctly it's from a satirical newspaper put out by the same boys who now do The Chaser's War on Everything, who were in charge of the famous (at least here in Oz) APEC stunt.

[–]feureau 5 points6 points ago

This video contains content from The Australian Broadcasting Corporation, who has blocked it in your country on copyright grounds.

cuntdamn wankers

[–]elaphros 1 point2 points ago

For the lazy

[–]LORDJEW_VAN_CUNTFUCK 2 points3 points ago

by the same boys who now do The Chaser's War on Everything

Weird way of putting it. If I recall correctly, the newspaper was their first project together and it's what formed their group and gave it a name. It was called "The Chaser".

[–]irishthief1 -1 points0 points ago

wasnt this in The Onion?

[–]Azuramella 13 points14 points ago

That AMAZING moment when you know the man in that photo... Commence evil laughing!

[–]CarolineTurpentine 6 points7 points ago

Go post this on his Facebook. Now!

[–]hrabib 2 points3 points ago

How does one become a "Keen" masturbator?

[–]twisted_by_design 4 points5 points ago

use mustard?

[–]deerFarts 0 points1 point ago

RIP Heath Ledger

[–]Jorgemeister 1 point2 points ago

"In fact it is fair to say that most Sydney bars are full of wanjers" - Lost it.

[–]breezy_f_baby 1 point2 points ago

Looks like GGG

[–]blindedbyhindsight 1 point2 points ago

this idea actually comes from Tom Waits, in his intro to Better Off Without a Wife

it reads as follows :) For all the bachelors out there tonight, yeah for anybody who's never whistled this song. Maybe you whistled it but you lost the sheet music. Um...this is um...well actually I don't mind going to weddings or anything, as long as there not my own I show up. But I've always kinda been partial to calling myself up on the phone and asking myself out, you know? Oh yeah, you call yourself up too huh? Yeah, well one thing about it, your always around. Yeah I know, yeah you ask yourself out, you know, some class joint somewhere. The Buretto King or something, you know. Well I ain't cheap you know. Take yourself out for a couple of drinks maybe. Then there'd be some provocative conversation on the way home. Park in front of the house you know. Oh yeah, you smoothly put a little nice music on, maybe you put on like uh, you know, like shopping music, something thats not too interruptive you know and then uh slide over real nice and say 'Oh I think you have something in your eye'. Well maybe it's not that romantic with you but Christ I don't know, you know I get into it you know. Take myself up to the porch, take myself inside or maybe uh, or may get a little something, a brandy snifter or something. 'Would like you like to listen to some of my back records? I got something here' Uh Well usually about 2.30 in the morning you've ended up taking advantage of yourself. There ain't no way around that you know. Yeah, making a scene with a magazine, there ain't no way around. I'll confess you know, I'm no different you know. I'm not weird about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first. I just kinda spend a little time with myself So this is kind of a little anthem here

[–]LadyJ26 6 points7 points ago

Is it just me or does he have a resemblance to GGG?

[–]MentalOverload 4 points5 points ago

Heath Ledger?

[–]markspyguy 1 point2 points ago

Thought this would be the top comment.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]bvanman 1 point2 points ago

I do agree that Joseph Gordon-Levitt looks like Heath Ledger and the guy in this picture, but I'm not so sure about this Justin character.

[–]a_man_called_jeyne 2 points3 points ago

God dammit i know i was going to be wrong on the first name.

[–]Daksund 1 point2 points ago

present in the past tense. you sir, is a gentle(man/woman) and a skolah.

[–]a_man_called_jeyne 1 point2 points ago

I am so off today........so do i just turn my Reddit ID badge here or do i have to wait to be escorted out by security?

[–]Daksund 0 points1 point ago

no i forgives u XDDDD 8===============D~~~~~~~~~

[–]ryanoh 0 points1 point ago

http://www.shipmentoffail.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/failboat.jpg

[–]SellinThings 6 points7 points ago

Slipped himself a mickey while he wasn't looking. Lol.

[–]FireLordOzai 2 points3 points ago

And when I saw this hottie bit of hand leaning on the bar I slipped myself a mickey and the next thing I know I was taking myself back to my place.

...wat

[–]doseone -1 points0 points ago

passionate masturbator be prowling

[–]OptimisticSniper -1 points0 points ago

I'm going to guess this is a result of multiple personalities or some mischief at the office.

[–]NQSSuperSam -1 points0 points ago

I know someone who has done this. Needless to say, he is not very smart.

[–]ChiisaiTenshi 0 points1 point ago

... Vaguely reminded of this: http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DbV3tfauw3vQ&v=bV3tfauw3vQ&gl=US

[–]TrustyGuy 0 points1 point ago

Would this be considered "legitimate"?

[–]ryanoh 1 point2 points ago

Does everyone from Australia look like Heath Ledger?

[–]Shaaaz3 1 point2 points ago

I wish...

[–]KAMIKAZE319 1 point2 points ago

So... this guy just date raped himself... Ultimate forever alone

[–]overused-meme-alert 2 points3 points ago

forever alone

beep

[–]ughblah 0 points1 point ago

i think we've found Frankeh

[–]WamZz -1 points0 points ago

So why is this in the news?

[–]MileHighBarfly -1 points0 points ago

happens to be Australia

Not sure why only in Australia...

[–]Hughtub -1 points0 points ago

This is hilarious.

[–]samanthakm9 0 points1 point ago

Why do people say "Only in _________"? I have NEVER heard of anything like this in Australia before in my life.

[–]randEntropy 1 point2 points ago

Can I get an Australian 'down' here to comment on this?

[–]SneakyPete27 0 points1 point ago

Aussie here.

Can confirm Sydney bars are generally full of wankers and tarted-up Sheila's, many of whom fit the category "mutton dressed as lamb".

[–]wiseyeffect 0 points1 point ago

Yeh mate, Sydney is a cess pit filled with vile fucking wanks. But i think they all circle jerk each other tho so it's okay/////////////////////////////

[–]Mortuus_The_Black 0 points1 point ago

Best thing I have read all day.

[–]jeredditdoncjesuis -1 points0 points ago

J'appelle merde du taureau.

[–]franklinturtle7 0 points1 point ago

Looks like GGG!

[–]starwarscreature 0 points1 point ago

Passionate masturbator on the prowl?

[–]UltraChilly -1 points0 points ago

This is shopped, real scanned thext wouldn't be that legible when there is so much compression artifact. I mean, how come it's blurry around the letters and not inside the letters if the text hasn't been computer-edited? although it could be acrobat at work, the pic isn't a tramed picture as the one you get from a newspaper, it looks like a jpeg, or at least something that has been printed on a printer, not a press.

[–]kartoffeln514 0 points1 point ago

Or the onion.

[–]UltraChilly 0 points1 point ago

If so, then it's still edited. I mean look at the picture...

[–]kartoffeln514 0 points1 point ago

If it were the onion then it would be left that way intentionally. Either way I was disappointed the entire time I was reading it and looking at it.

[–]sydblack 0 points1 point ago

I've always kinda been partial to calling myself up on the phone and asking myself out, you know?

One thing about it, your always around.

Yeah I know, yeah you ask yourself out, you know, some class joint somewhere.

The Buretto King or something, you know. Well I ain't cheap you know. Take yourself out for a couple of drinks maybe.

Then there'd be some provocative conversation on the way home. Park in front of the house you know.

Oh yeah, you smoothly put a little nice music on, maybe you put on like uh, you know, like shopping music, something thats not too interruptive you know and then uh slide over real nice and say:

'Oh I think you have something in your eye'.

Well maybe it's not that romantic with you but Christ I don't know, you know I get into it you know.

Take myself up to the porch, take myself inside or maybe uh, or may get a little something, a brandy snifter or something.

'Would like you like to listen to some of my back records?

I got something here' Uh Well usually about 2.30 in the morning you've ended up taking advantage of yourself.

There ain't no way around that you know. Yeah, making a scene with a magazine, there ain't no way around.

I'll confess you know, I'm no different you know. I'm not weird about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first.

I just kinda spend a little time with myself.

[–]teuast 0 points1 point ago

I think the whole thing was leading up to that pun at the end.

[–]Pazuno 1 point2 points ago

The dedication to the setup of the last sentence is what really made me laugh.

[–]CopperAngel 0 points1 point ago

That poor, lonely man....

[–]Keane1522 0 points1 point ago

This is slander against me! Keen my ass..

[–]FlyingUndeadSheep 0 points1 point ago

I wish there was some sort of template we could use that would update the city and the picture, since I'm hopeless with Photoshop. Fun article to post about your friends.

[–]CompleteNumpty 0 points1 point ago

Nick Nolte was caught under the influence of GHB - so I would say "Only in America".

http://www.hollywood.com/news/Nolte_Faces_Date_Rape_Drug_Charge/1682154

[–]ThirstyWork 1 point2 points ago

Taking matters into his own hands.

[–]LvL87BalloonWizard 0 points1 point ago

"I thought it was a magic potion!"

[–]lurxxor 0 points1 point ago

GGG: "Sees a hot girl, faps, then slips himself a roofie."

[–]Monkespank 1 point2 points ago

I smell something. Onion is that you?

[–]ChibiHobo 0 points1 point ago

There are times where I may feel lonely and hopeless. I then read this, and suddenly my life doesn't seem so bad.

[–]wooogirl 0 points1 point ago

I thought 'passionatemasturbator' would be a great reddit throwaway account name. It's too long.....

[–]StuPac85 0 points1 point ago

Australian accent in my head when reading this made it best reddit post of my day!

[–]krisp46 0 points1 point ago

Smeagol loves self, yes, loooves self

[–]SpiritToes 0 points1 point ago

I fucking love austrailia, Mate!

[–]Odd666future 0 points1 point ago

http://i.imgur.com/dPswT.jpg

[–]babyshanks 0 points1 point ago

I have actually done this. It makes you really horny, means for a fucking great wank.

[–]StavroMue11er 0 points1 point ago

How many fucking times is this going to be reposted?

[–]AUS_1706_bPd 0 points1 point ago

And of course it's in Sydney shakes head.

[–]rizzorizzo 0 points1 point ago

I read this as if the guy's name was "Keen Masturbator"

[–]funnier_in_my_head 0 points1 point ago

GGG's Bro: Spikes his own drink; So that he's not a threat to women for the next 6 hours.

[–]DaltonsTardis -1 points0 points ago

He seems like a true threat to society.

[–]blanca805 0 points1 point ago

"Forever Alone" winner of the year!

[–]king_cherokee 0 points1 point ago

Repost.

[–]Platypusy 0 points1 point ago

I think I might have seen this before... Here perhaps? Maybe it was just me. But I like what you did to it.

[–]tezzl 0 points1 point ago

it's wonder he doesn't have warts on his hand ... after 10 years: http://www.chaser.com.au/2002/keen-masturbator-spikes-own-drink-with-rohypnol/

[–]philosophersx 0 points1 point ago

Too much DnD. As soon as I read keen masturbator I thought "So what, he has a higher critical threat range when he faps?"

[–]painteay 0 points1 point ago

This needs to be on the frontpage.

[–]computergroove 0 points1 point ago

Conan - Masterdate

[–]GARRETTKELLEY 0 points1 point ago

I only know that word from The IT Crowd

[–]jgoebbels 0 points1 point ago

Looks like an Irish backpacker.

[–]penisinthepeanutbttr 0 points1 point ago

this is clearly an edited template for a news article

[–]KDIZZLL 0 points1 point ago

Geez, all you AusFags are really stupid.

[–]TeexasMade 0 points1 point ago

his face is the new forever alone meme

[–]TheForceiswithus 0 points1 point ago

I said "no," but I knew I wanted it.

[–]TLMnig 0 points1 point ago

cant tell if, joke, or actual self predator?

[–]theflying6969 -1 points0 points ago

guaranteed this is from the onion.

[–]a2susan -2 points-1 points ago

Repost - http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/rx7sl/passionate_masturbator_on_the_prowl_repost_from/

[–]TheEmbernova 2 points3 points ago

Reddiquette - http://code.reddit.com/wiki/help/reddiquette

Might I recommend #1 under "dont's"?

[–]a2susan 2 points3 points ago

Touché my reddit friend, touché.

[–]TheEmbernova 1 point2 points ago

Although, I agree that your post should have been recognized.

This one was just at the right place at the right time, I suppose :/

[–]a2susan 1 point2 points ago

Story of my life...

[–]kissmyclambake 0 points1 point ago

I hate it when something previously posted shows up at a later date and gets a shit-ton of karma.

[–]My_8008135 0 points1 point ago

Talk about twisting the knife. . . the older post only got 14 upvotes!

[–]sleepy_wall 0 points1 point ago

oh no the imaginary points went to the wrong guy?! pitchforks at the ready!

[–]it_fell_off_a_truck 0 points1 point ago

So that's why Sydney dropped on the "most livable city" list.

[–]nomenMei 0 points1 point ago

The only way this article could be more meta is if the passionate masturbator was the man writing it.

[–]TookSick 0 points1 point ago

Is that Goog Guy Greg?

[–]dangoodspeed 0 points1 point ago

Why "Only in Australia"? All you have to do is change the location of the fictitious story and it can take place almost anywhere.

[–]loonybinjones -5 points-4 points ago

Only in Australia. FTFY

[–]then_Sean_Bean_died -3 points-2 points ago

Noice.

[–]spartaninspace 1 point2 points ago

Noice.

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