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633
634

Like you wouldn't :/ (i.imgur.com)

submitted ago by cuzzybros

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[–]Diabolical_Intention 57 points58 points ago

Eh, that's a tough one. I would say "No" but what you say you won't do when you're not horny is entirely different than the stuff you do when you ARE horny.

[–]fappy_otter 60 points61 points ago

This works the other way around ! :) Like wanting to taste your cum when you're fapping but once the load is out in the open, no fucking way in hell you're gonna try it.

[–]Diabolical_Intention 30 points31 points ago

It really does work that way too. Like if you're horny and want to do some really kinky stuff. You cum, look at the same idea, and you're thinking "Ehhhh......Let's not" Hormones, man, they do crazy shit.

[–]TruthRage 7 points8 points ago

I wish i could have multiple ejaculations like women or maintain an erection after orgasming :(

[–]sixpintsasecond 2 points3 points ago

It's a gift.

[–]AriBBCP -3 points-2 points ago

you can't?

[–]Meebert 7 points8 points ago

And then you put it in a contact lens case so you can save your cum for the next time you masturbate...

[–]NomadE85 1 point2 points ago

ಠ_ಠ

[–]larsy87 17 points18 points ago

wut

[–]Jeroknite 49 points50 points ago

Don't act like you don't know what he meant.

[–]Hedgehog17 0 points1 point ago

Thank you

[–]Kyle_Crafty 1 point2 points ago

68 people are glad someone else said it so they can hide their shame in an upvote while still admitting it... Thank you

[–]throwmeawayout 1 point2 points ago

This is actually completely true, and apparently applies to women (and their own eh... deposits) slightly less so than men. Now where on earth did I read that recently...?

[–]Kaibunny143 -2 points-1 points ago

ಠ_ಠ

[–]Shuyo 84 points85 points ago

I would.

But I'm gay.

[–]monkeedude1212 38 points39 points ago

I would. And I'm not gay.

I certainly fap quite a bit but that doesn't mean I want my hands jerking off another mans junk either. If its mine, I'm totally cool with it.

[–]pumpkindog 27 points28 points ago

if your future self visited you in a time machine would you jerk yourself off?

[–]monkeedude1212 12 points13 points ago

(I can't remember where that reference is from but it did make me chuckle).

In any event, I would travel back in time to jerk off my past self, but not jerk off my future self if he travelled back to me.

[–]Xephera 11 points12 points ago

American Dad. May the best stan win s05e12. His future self who is now a cyborg travels back in time and offers him one. "Hey, brah, I make it up to you. How about a handy J? What, it's not gay-- it's you on you."

[–]locobanya 2 points3 points ago

So... you'd rape your younger self?

[–]monkeedude1212 2 points3 points ago

Is that possible? Wouldn't I first need to say yes and accept it before travelling back in time to perpetrate it?

[–]Kyle_Crafty 0 points1 point ago

Just go back in time to where you decide you're going to build a time machine to do such a thing?

[–]Eyshld21sn 17 points18 points ago

" hey I'm you from the future!" " oh cool! What do I grow up to be?" locks door " a Pedophile."

[–]dylanroo 8 points9 points ago

yes

[–]Skilol 2 points3 points ago

I would jerk off (my present-me) and tell "him"(future me) that I already did it for him.

[–]Number127 5 points6 points ago

Too bad, he says he remembers jerking off his future self when he was you, so the laws of causality demand that you do it now. He says that he will obtain no pleasure from the experience, but it is simply necessary to prevent a paradox. Then he winks.

[–]eamantite 1 point2 points ago

Sexually.

[–]dextromaxhbr 2 points3 points ago

I would even fuck myself.

[–]soccerguy07 3 points4 points ago

well, you couldn't fuck yourself using portals...if you thrust forward your ass is running away from you dick...back dat ass up and your penis cowers in terror. Unless future self is involved it isn't happenting.

[–]dan20791 1 point2 points ago

I''m having trouble thinking this through, but you might be able to do it awkwardly at right angles....

[–]i_dnt_always_comment 1 point2 points ago

Iv heard this argument before, couldn't you just move the portal where you dick is coming out right up against you arse? Or imagine the portals are like two full length mirrors, you lie on one and rest the other on top of you and lift the portal up and down? Problem solved

[–]MrTemple 2 points3 points ago

Sir.

[–]Awsaim 0 points1 point ago

/r/AskReddit

[–]TIGGERNITS 18 points19 points ago

http://www.hahgay.com/

[–]Skyedawg 5 points6 points ago

I'm so happy this is a thing

[–]nickdude77 3 points4 points ago

I'm so happy you're a thing.

[–]Laust17 0 points1 point ago

Ifyouknowwhatimean...

[–]Justavian 51 points52 points ago

The nice feeling of receiving a blowjob might be overridden by the fact that i had a cock in my mouth.

[–]philosoraptocopter 8 points9 points ago

yeah, when I masturbate, I'm usually turned off by the fact that there's a cock in my hand.

[–]wsderp 2 points3 points ago

Yeah, when I was able to suck my own dick it wasn't as nice as receiving a blowjob

[–]Chaotropic 15 points16 points ago

Wouldn't it just be like sucking another guys dick, due to the position?

[–]mattonreddit 26 points27 points ago

The contents of your mouth would probably have a lot to do with that as well.

[–]Chaotropic 1 point2 points ago

Hahahaha well played.

[–]mnmatt500 8 points9 points ago

More like sucking off a giant... because you have to stand

[–]Kyle_Crafty 0 points1 point ago

Macrophilia

[–]Sanwi 12 points13 points ago

You guys are pathetic - I would buttfuck myself.

[–]CormacOney 2 points3 points ago

how?

[–]Sanwi 5 points6 points ago

A wall and a table on it's side. I've thought this one through pretty well.

[–]CormacOney 0 points1 point ago

But it would still just be in there. No movement. It would be pretty un-enjoyable

[–]Sanwi 2 points3 points ago

I've planned for that too! I will create a device to move the table back and forth.

[–]CormacOney 7 points8 points ago

You really want to fuck yourself

[–]jimbobhas 1 point2 points ago

Portals can't be placed on moving surfaces can they?

[–]notyourfunyuns 1 point2 points ago

I don't think you can have a portal on a moving surface. Sorry.

[–]Sanwi 0 points1 point ago

I WILL FIND A WAY!

[–]Kyle_Crafty 0 points1 point ago

There's a section in portal 2 where you place a portal on a platform going up and send a lazor through it so it cuts some tubes. Moving platform with portal.

[–]notyourfunyuns 0 points1 point ago

Do you know which room that is?

[–]Kyle_Crafty 0 points1 point ago

It's some time around when you replace the turrets in the assembly line.

[–]mucho_gringo 18 points19 points ago

Now you're thinking with portals!

[–]MiningwithPortals 0 points1 point ago

And I'm mining with them. I had to, I'm so sorry…

[–]Kaibunny143 1 point2 points ago

Now you're blowing with portals!

FTFY

[–]alquicksilver 8 points9 points ago

I saw this image in the Aperture Science Guide to Auto-Fellatio.

[–]cahman 17 points18 points ago

Anyone seeking more info might also check here:

title comnts points age /r/
True reason portal was made 4coms 9pts 1hr gaming
First thing I'd do with a portal gun [FIXED] 5coms 17pts 5mos gaming
The first thing I would do if I had a Portal gun [FIXED] 17coms 16pts 5mos funny
The first thing I would do if I had a Portal gun [FIXED] 92coms 453pts 5mos funny
If you had a portal gun, would you...? 879coms 1438pts 2yrs gaming
1 Guy, 2 Portals 14coms 22pts 1yr WTF
The Glory Portal 27coms 122pts 1yr pics

source: karmadecay

[–]cuzzybros[S] 2 points3 points ago

I apologise for being a new Redditor and not seeing the posts made months ago

[–]JaminThaGreat 39 points40 points ago

No, I wouldn't. ಠ_ಠ

[–]Faps_Into_Socks 34 points35 points ago

Yea I don't know where my dick has been.

[–]mnmatt500 90 points91 points ago

Probably socks... judging by your name

[–]HoboViking 9 points10 points ago

It's masturbation with your mouth... right?

[–]elzaco -1 points0 points ago

Agreed. Dick in mouth trumps everything else. Day is ruined.

[–]I_TYPE_IN_ALL_CAPS 29 points30 points ago

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, NECKBEARDS, IT'S ACTUALLY EASIER TO FIND A WILLING SEXUAL PARTNER THAN AN IMAGINARY PORTAL GUN.

[–]AlexanderDavidBand 9 points10 points ago

No.... Way.....

[–]Winstonia 0 points1 point ago

YOU HAVE TO BE JOKING THIS DOESN'T MAKE ME ANY COOLE........blimey you're right. This guy clearly is a boss.

[–]Meebert 1 point2 points ago

Or at least cheaper.

[–]Kaibunny143 -1 points0 points ago

In the same way that Caps lock is cruise control for cool?

[–]Sevsquad 4 points5 points ago

Each of those portals is ~6 feet tall so unless you're a giant I don't think you would.

[–]BJC_13 2 points3 points ago

Shoot them sideways

[–]dead5lime 1 point2 points ago

You could just place them down on the floor, then it should work

[–]namegoeswhere 7 points8 points ago

My desire to not suck a dick far outweighs my desire to get my dick sucked.

[–]plazmamuffin 2 points3 points ago

change my pants without leaning over?

[–]bobthecookie 2 points3 points ago

AND THEN I'D SUCK MY OWWN DIIIIIIIIICK

[–]BaconofWar 3 points4 points ago

I'd put two portals side by side, undo my belt, lean in and.....

Change pants without having to look down

[–]PTRiot 2 points3 points ago

I wonder... if you could make yourself a human centipede with yourself...

[–]bobthecookie 0 points1 point ago

ಠ_ಠ

[–]0011011000111001 0 points1 point ago

then closed both portals

[–]crankypants_mcgee 3 points4 points ago

And that is why the portal gun will be the invention that ends civilization. And remember all you guys that think it's gay, if you were flexible enough to do it now, pretending you wouldn't is just fucking idiotic.

[–]EvilGrimace 7 points8 points ago

I never understood the allure of being able to perform oral on yourself, because i don't really want to know what it's like to have a dick in my mouth, even if it's my own.

[–]knylok 6 points7 points ago

It's a question of pain v gain. Yes, you have dick in your mouth, but you are also getting a blowjob. Is the (supposed) negative of having a dick in your mouth worse than the pleasure of the most responsive blowjob you've ever had?

[–]_flying-monkey_ 0 points1 point ago

Plus you know how you like it so it would be a great blow job.

[–]aidantheman18 2 points3 points ago

/r/portalporn

[–]TIGGERNITS 1 point2 points ago

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmLqs8qkP_Y

Relevant.

[–]Kaibunny143 0 points1 point ago

ಠ_ಠ I'm ashamed at the time I spent in that subreddit...

[–]smashingjake 0 points1 point ago

REpost

[–]AsoBit 1 point2 points ago

Just don't make eye-contact.

[–]Liveinthe7th 2 points3 points ago

Ehh..Suit yourself. Personally, I can't BELIEVE that my girlfriend is willing to put my penis in her mouth. Not to mention, she doesn't usually have any idea how long it's been since I last showered or what I've done that day. She's a fucking trooper. I would never want to put my penis in my own mouth. My dick is nasty looking and usually smells gross and I don't need to put it in to my mouth to know that it tastes nasty too.

[–]fastjeff 2 points3 points ago

I'd imagine some way there'd be a portal gun accident and some poor sap trying to save his own life will jump from a ledge, fire a portal and see a cock flying at him.

"No no no no nononononooooo!!!"

[–]meccaman199 2 points3 points ago

Only someone that wants to taste cock would.

[–]Smokalotapotamus 2 points3 points ago

LoL I know right?

Much better to fuck yourself in the ass.

[–]Kaibunny143 -1 points0 points ago

ಠ_ಠ

[–]McFro -3 points-2 points ago

lol I'm pretty sure it's just a joke and you should probably shower if your shit tastes like anything other than vagina juices or skin.

[–]CommanderStamen 2 points3 points ago

Or food. Food's pretty popular among the odd ones these days.

[–]Faps_Into_Socks 6 points7 points ago

Sometimes it tastes like foot. Not like I would know.

[–]McFro -3 points-2 points ago

haha I like you. For your funny not so much the subject at hand.

[–]cannonball9 1 point2 points ago

Nope.

[–]Chosen1Khaled 2 points3 points ago

ಠ_ಠ

[–]CommanderStamen 3 points4 points ago

Honey buns, I can do that anyway.

Wait...

[–]ho666 2 points3 points ago

relevent http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NggUSbgRUhc

[–]bobthecookie 0 points1 point ago

Yeah bitches, science

[–]sjhaakie 0 points1 point ago

i wouldn't

[–]meatwad1987 0 points1 point ago

i.....i wouldn't

[–]eamantite 1 point2 points ago

Is this actually possible with portals?

[–]Kaibunny143 1 point2 points ago

Yes. I know because I happen to own a portal gun since they are so real and all...

[–]Hellzapoppin 1 point2 points ago

This joke. Again. Lovely.

[–]snapplesauce123 0 points1 point ago

That was my computer background a while ago.

[–]AdmiralPancake 1 point2 points ago

Why date when you can self-felate?

[–]1lbd1 1 point2 points ago

Dat ass...

[–]dextromaxhbr 0 points1 point ago

I would give myself the best head.

[–]spankthatweasel 1 point2 points ago

I would never out my dick anywhere near my mouth. I know where that motherfucker has been....

[–]Kaibunny143 0 points1 point ago

Perhaps in a weasel?

[–]dylanroo 1 point2 points ago

I would certainly do it, but I'm not sure how i would feel about the finish.

Good and bad at the same time

[–]Kingjuan52 0 points1 point ago

Nope I wouldn't

[–]increduloushyperbole 1 point2 points ago

Trying to suck your own dick is like trying to tickle yourself. Your body calls bullshit, and it just isn't the same.

[–]FatDIck9 0 points1 point ago

I think the sensation of a dick in ur mouth would overpower the bj feeling..not worth it

[–]Sortech 0 points1 point ago

It probably wouldn't work like that though. The portals would be large enough for a person to walk through. Lining them up like that you probably wouldn't even reach your dick.

I wouldn't do it anyways. Not having dick in my mouth > Having dick in my mouth.

[–]xtreme33 0 points1 point ago

I never got when people say this. Yea you are getting your dick sucked but on the other hand...you are enjoying a dick in your mouth.

[–]cloudedknife 0 points1 point ago

Nope, don't want a dick in my mouth. Plus, I'm not into snowballing because cum, not because second hand.

[–]Rainb0wcrash99 1 point2 points ago

http://i.imgur.com/D3A8y.jpg

[–]LewisKolb 0 points1 point ago

Nope, Nope nope nope no way im putting a dick in my mouth, even if its mine.

[–]frazier6567 0 points1 point ago

But the portals are as high as a human, so this wouldn't work... :...(

[–]DeathKittenOfDeath 0 points1 point ago

You'd have a blowjob ception. That would feel weird knowing their is an infinite chain of you sucking on your dick.

[–]doogles8654 0 points1 point ago

Really though....who wouldn't....

[–]GMRox 0 points1 point ago

I really wouldn't. No matter what, you're still sucking a dick. So no thank you.

[–]aarosenthal 0 points1 point ago

I'm going to be the weirdo, but I have no idea what this image is implying.

[–]MFchimichanga 1 point2 points ago

Is it gay if you suck yo-yes yes it is.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]dreamsaremaps 1 point2 points ago

At first I thought that was portals in a urinal, and was wondering why someone thought they would be necessary to piss on one's own face.

[–]iceybats -1 points0 points ago

It's not gay if it's yourself

[–]TheWill2Live -2 points-1 points ago

  1. Place Portal A at waist level
  2. Place Portal B in the room of that hot chick next door via open bedroom window and zoom function
  3. Drop pants, hope she doesn't question anything and just goes with it.
  4. ???
  5. Profit

[–]JaminThaGreat 4 points5 points ago

I thought this was a great plan.

[–]TheWill2Live 1 point2 points ago

Apparently it's just you and me buddy...

[–]JaminThaGreat 1 point2 points ago

Don't worry. They can downvote us all they like, but when we are getting 24/7 head from various neighbors they will come begging to us to be a part of this magnificent plan. Then we will extort them for cash, chain down our neighbors and run the worlds greatest glory hole Portal service!

[–]Kaibunny143 1 point2 points ago

glory portal FTFY

[–]LuckyNinefingers -4 points-3 points ago

Where's that "Mother of god..." meme when you need it?

[–]MrRampage11410 0 points1 point ago

No, I would not.

[–]AnalBurns -1 points0 points ago

As a straight man, I would not 69 with another man. This being said, I would not 69 myself.

[–]DIEDIN1866 -1 points0 points ago

I honestly wouldn't. Don't want it spreading.

[–]ihackdownvoters -3 points-2 points ago

no i wouldnt piss on my face

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