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1366
1367

How I picture people that "like" newly single relationship statuses on Facebook. (i.imgur.com)

submitted ago by canthandleit35

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[–]TheAvocadoBaron 82 points83 points ago

Every hot girl on Facebook has a few male satellites orbiting around her. You know who I'm talking about. They like all her inane statuses immediately, post creepy comments on swimsuit pictures, just lying in wait...until the relationship status turns to "single" and their time has come.

[–]fireitup622 59 points60 points ago

As the boyfriend of a hot girl, I hate the satellites you speak of with all of my heart.

[–]ReptarIsTheShit 30 points31 points ago

Which do you enjoy more? 1.) When the satellites swear they like you and respect your relationship while secretly doing everything behind your back to destroy you 2.) The way your gf seems blissfully ignorant to the fact that the satellites are madly in love with her

[–]cback 19 points20 points ago

3) The sweet sound of her ass fulminating when I pull my cock out, after I fall asleep during anal.

EDIT: added number

[–]justoffsides 25 points26 points ago

What?

[–]knoxknoxknox 1 point2 points ago

This one.

[–]Nefilim314 76 points77 points ago

I enjoy them, actually.

Invite them over, act like a bro, pretend to be their best bud, then dominate them without cessation every chance you get: political debates, drinking games, arm wrestling, Super Smash Bros, and whatever competitive platform that can be rendered for the night. Then, piss on their seething defeat even more by saying "It's just a game" and doesn't even matter. Then, when they're getting ready to go, make a subtle gesture that proclaims to everyone, "Hey, after you all leave, I'm going to fuck this girl for a few hours and pass out."

It's the most thorough, yet civil, fuck-you that you can ever give to a competitor and within days they're going to blow up her phone with their desperate attempts to be loved, freak her out, and she'll never talk to them again.

[–]catstents 34 points35 points ago

O_O

You, wow. you are now the true alpha.

[–]itsimpossible 9 points10 points ago

Previously posted by Nefilim314:

LADIES of Reddit: What's the difference between "sweet" and "creepy"?

[–]iusuallypostwhileipo 4 points5 points ago

As the title says, I only want actual women responding to this. So look down and if you have a swinging dick, I don't care about your opinion.

Alpha as fuck, son.

[–]IntlMysteryMan 0 points1 point ago

I too have been humbled.

[–]rscats 11 points12 points ago

I suddenly feel aroused.

[–]chrisknyfe 6 points7 points ago

Me too. Netfilim314 can dominate me without cessation any time he pleases...

[–]paraprosDOPEan 1 point2 points ago

You've got the Juice now...

[–]Vive_Ut_Vivas 6 points7 points ago

Hitler? Is that you?

[–]ExplodingUnicorns 4 points5 points ago

That turned me on more than I should admit. Wish my boyfriends had been alphas.

[–]fireitup622 4 points5 points ago

I'm straight and that turned me on more than I should admit.

[–]Ishkatar 3 points4 points ago

this also makes people think you are just a massive tool and gives those poor fags even more ammo with which to deface you

[–]Chuckisbossingit -1 points0 points ago

Teach me, Alpha one.

[–]phliuy 1 point2 points ago

Then...one day...A Challenger Approaches

[–]spamato 1 point2 points ago

This can backfire pretty easily. What if someone that is way better than you comes around?

[–]Foe_Geodude 5 points6 points ago

Be better.

[–]2ndScud 10 points11 points ago

As the husband of a hot girl that's been away on military duties for literally mythical amounts of time, trust me, it's nice to come home to your now able bodied son and kill all of the suitors together with him. Even the REASON we set out was because some creep basically abducted my friend's hot girl.

[–]ksamim 14 points15 points ago

Odyssey what you did there.

[–]DingoJunction 6 points7 points ago

Hate to break it to you...

[–]warnerrr 5 points6 points ago

Similar boat here. Every time my girlfriend posts a new profile picture or something, some fucking jackass is like "You are a beautiful queen" or some other inane shit. One guy actually commented on her tits in one picture, something like "Dat chest..." or something. Makes me furious. So from now on, I think I am just going to immolate them. Jesus, I got pissed off just typing about it. Fuck. Sorry you have to deal with this shit too man.

[–]CrunchrapSuprem0 4 points5 points ago

Immolate them? Like with fire? That will solve your problem, but it might bring about some new ones also

[–]icantgetbeerinme 6 points7 points ago

Alot of threads here suggest going super alpha; that is a mistake that will backfire, it shows your girl you are insecure and by taking away her public appreciators, she will resent you and get said attention behind your back, where the real threat lies that you've been trying to prevent to begin with. My suggestion: friendliness and nonchalance, and in private make fun of the satellites w your girlfriend before you fuck her.

[–]Frankocean2 0 points1 point ago

Thanks for being mature about this.

[–]fyberoptyk 5 points6 points ago

Wait till you marry that hot girl. The number of satellites will triple.

[–]HelloFellow 18 points19 points ago

Wait till she fucks one of them.

[–]fyberoptyk 8 points9 points ago

It's true. That's why attention whores make bad wives.

[–]CrayolaS7 2 points3 points ago

I can't help but feel sorry for them, especially since my girlfriend is (in some cases anyway) fully aware of it. Also because they're friends I see them socially and I'm not going to be a dick about it, I'm not the jealous type and I can't blame her for being hot. I just like to get in their head a bit by looking at them, when they look at the two of us together, by kissing her randomly and getting a positive reaction, showing how much she loves me while they're across the bar, alone. Then when they've drank too much because they feel so lonely, and I have to carry them on my shoulder 10 minutes to their apartment, they can't even be mad at me because I'm such an awesome guy (okay the last bit's only happened once...)

[–]chrisknyfe 2 points3 points ago

As a former satellite, let me state the obvious and tell you that either two things are happening here:

  1. The satellites are maintaining their own orbit, which makes them creepy stalkers. Feel free to threaten to rip their head off over the phone. Hello.
  2. Your girlfriend is maintaining the orbit of those satellites by giving them attention, friendly companionship, and hope. She needs to have the cojones to say goodbye to the satellites, clearly and succinctly. Or, I guess you could do what Netfilim314 does...

[–]WilmaDickfit 3 points4 points ago

Never before has a picture fit the context so beautifully

[–]Doctor_Loggins 0 points1 point ago

I always prefer to comment on those attention-whore pictures with snark rather than admiration. I'm not sitting around waiting for some kind of facebook serendipity, and I'm not going to indulge in that senseless lust for positive reinforcement.

[–]iamagainstit 0 points1 point ago

sometimes your friend just date assholes and you are glad to see them gone.

[–]SubDtep 0 points1 point ago

There was one of those girls that added me on Facebook once. I had known of her at my school but only talked to her once even though I had a little crush on her. Every time she posted a status, within one minute, it'd have at least ten likes and 20 comments, I mean it was completely ridiculous.

But anyways, through some weird turn of events we started talking, and became "married" on Facebook. It made me feel this unimaginable amount of power. You can't even understand unless you've been in the situation. I had gotten the attention of this girl that every male friend on her Facebook had been lusting after for so long, and I didn't even do anything to try. After talking to her more, I realized she was quite the nut case and that I had no interest in her any more, but I kept going along with it, because te power felt too good to give up (plus I got to see her boobs). I mean, this girl would post on my wall about us having sex and shit, and all I could imagine was her legion of stalkers weeping in grief because of all their failed attempts at grabbing her attention, while I just swoop in and steal her.

I dd mention her "satellites" to her once, and was like "what's up with all these same guys commenting and liking every status you post, just desperately trying to get you to notice them?" and she was just like "what? I hadn't even noticed at all!". She was genuine about it too. She really didn't notice. So maybe these girls really are that ignorant to your attempts. So I guess the lesson learned is, don't try and get a girl's attention by liking her Facebook stuff. It really just makes you look creepy.

[–]asonjones 144 points145 points ago

The Birdman gif never gets old.

[–]MrNiceWatchBro 44 points45 points ago

brrrrrr….

[–]slapded 22 points23 points ago

One hundred

[–]nemoTheKid 55 points56 points ago

a hunnid

[–]Killian93 22 points23 points ago

you know how it is playboy

[–]ThatJesterJeff 14 points15 points ago

she purple like kush nigga

[–]paraprosDOPEan 2 points3 points ago

exactly like the kush.

[–]jbg89 2 points3 points ago

you already.

[–]jesseknows 7 points8 points ago

ymcmpmymb

[–]bonedead 11 points12 points ago

everything real big

[–]acemasterke406 8 points9 points ago

What happened to that boy?

[–]Wtfmymoney -2 points-1 points ago

Downvoted due to incorrect usage, thats gucci mane.

[–]DayOfTheDolphin 1 point2 points ago

You wrong as hell, homey

[–]ninjablaze 18 points19 points ago

balee dat plehboi

[–]theblargh3124 2 points3 points ago

Always reminds me of the rolling play doh thread.

[–]MN_Se7en 52 points53 points ago

I am a man who had a woman like my recent status change from in a relationship to single. Currently working on giving her the D.

[–]LucyRei 25 points26 points ago

I've done this before, totally got the D.

[–]MN_Se7en 14 points15 points ago

I see what you did, and I like it.

[–]52hoova 32 points33 points ago

I have a friend who "likes" every one of those and comments, "DIBS."

[–]midri 15 points16 points ago

Least he's strait forward.

[–]RCizzle65 0 points1 point ago

I had someone on my friends list who always liked when people went single, he was a major douche though so I took it as him wanting to get at the girl, or encouraging the guy to go wild.

[–]barrymacockenya 90 points91 points ago

I love the comment "omg are you ok?" on facebook after a breakup. See it every time.

[–]crushthehorns 64 points65 points ago

Please, be safe..

[–]ruderabbit 6 points7 points ago

I love people that use "white knight" in some kind of negative context.

You don't want to be a knight? Knights are awesome! They ride around on horses putting the smack on fools! What's not to love?

[–]TokyoXtreme 4 points5 points ago

Ideally, you WOULD want to be a white knight, but the pejorative applies to those who pretend to be said knight, when in fact they have self-serving desires.

[–]Quadra_Slam 5 points6 points ago

The Black Knight has got no arms left.

[–]ReverseLabotomy 11 points12 points ago

WARNING: TBK SPOILERS

[–]ReptarIsTheShit 2 points3 points ago

SON OF A BITCH!!!

[–]breakingbong -1 points0 points ago

tbk?

[–]ReverseLabotomy 1 point2 points ago

The Black Knight.

Part of the Monty Python and the Holy Grail trilogy.

[–]endrbn 17 points18 points ago

"what happened?"

[–]biggmclargehuge 6 points7 points ago

"omg call me! i love you!"

[–]TrustMeImHigh 5 points6 points ago

"No, I lost my arm in a baler accident, so he dumped me"

[–]Matt08642 0 points1 point ago

I call those the Beta-Brigade

[–]rzablade -1 points0 points ago

i like this

[–]YourMaw 46 points47 points ago

The only people that liked my single status were my male friends...

[–]giraffricanamerican 66 points67 points ago

I always do that for my bros. It's like a nice little acknowledgment that shit is about to go down in Bachelorville.

[–]right_foot 0 points1 point ago

Do you mean...

[–]midri 0 points1 point ago

Nope, he means

[–]RouseHouse1013 50 points51 points ago

Youtube video replies?

[–]willscy 11 points12 points ago

it's like a "I know that feel bro" kind of thing.

[–]counting_kittens 8 points9 points ago

Or an "I always hated her, you can do better, and I'm glad you're moving on."

[–]YourMaw 0 points1 point ago

Yeah most recently this was everyone's reaction.

[–]liebereddit 3 points4 points ago

You know that people can't tell if you're male or female here, right?

[–]ExplodingUnicorns 1 point2 points ago

Same here. As a chick it's a little weird though, lol.

[–]nickpinkk 11 points12 points ago

we also would have accepted "5 seconds left before your pizza rolls are done"

[–]VestaDear 50 points51 points ago

After my last breakup I received three messages, all from guys asking if I was okay and if I needed a shoulder to cry on.

No questions about who broke it off, just dudes asking me to please leak my fluids onto their shoulders.

[–]mattonreddit 98 points99 points ago

I apologize on behalf of my gender. We are a shameful bunch. If you wanna talk about it PM me.

[–]snailwithmonocle 18 points19 points ago

Fucking white knights. All a bunch of idiots. If you're sick of guys like this you can rant with me.

[–]Tippler13 19 points20 points ago

Creepin! After my last break up I got a bunch of those, too. A lot of "Oh hey, haven't talked to you in a while, want to hang out?" from guys I haven't talked to in way too long for it to be a coincidence.

[–]VestaDear 4 points5 points ago

Exactly what happened to me! It seemed a little bit odd.

[–]Tippler13 9 points10 points ago

That time you can't tell if it IS a coincidence or dude is just trying to get in your pants. From experience, we already know it's the latter.

[–]mehdbc 6 points7 points ago

You white people are hilarious.

You want them to know your personal business, but you don't want them to get personal with you.

[–]Tippler13 7 points8 points ago

Knowing I have gone from "in a relationship" to "single" and knowing what the inside of my lady parts feels like are just not on the same level.

[–]jcbneuner 5 points6 points ago

This is apparently difficult for some to understand.

[–]Tippler13 3 points4 points ago

Quite.

[–]midri 0 points1 point ago

Right, but much like in college, one is a prerequisite course for the other.

[–]Tippler13 8 points9 points ago

Also, "you white people?" No comprende.

[–]pescador7 8 points9 points ago

For one moment I thought you were a guy with some sensitive bros. Then it became obvious that you are actually a female that lots of men would like to... comfort.

[–]stephadelic 2 points3 points ago

Gotta love those concerned messages you get in the first week of heartbroken Häagen-Dazs-eating pajama-pant-wearing post-breakup sob fest.

"Hey what happened lol" "Hell yeah hit me up girl" and my personal favorite, "wussup"

[–]Elmonotheczar 11 points12 points ago

Birdman Verse:

Gettin' money, Hunnids on the dash

Blowin' money fast, Gettin' to the cash

One milli, Ball hard so silly

Me and junior the kid, no Billy

Yuehhhh, Brrrrrrrrrrr

One HUNNID!!!

[–]Heisenburg 10 points11 points ago

As Birdman?

[–]Imawhoreandifeelbad 14 points15 points ago

I wish people would comment or like my recently updated single relationship status :(

[–]Tippler13 20 points21 points ago

They don't because you are a whore and should feel bad. ;)

[–]Imawhoreandifeelbad 8 points9 points ago

Haha i'm only a whore because i post on lbgw here...

[–]Tippler13 5 points6 points ago

I am perfectly ok with that and now want to creep. haha

[–]taterbase 12 points13 points ago

...now kiss

[–]Illsavetheinternets 7 points8 points ago

I always call dibs.

[–]barrymacockenya 109 points110 points ago

How I feel when I have $4 at mcdonalds.

[–]austin713 66 points67 points ago

That was the caption last time this was on the front page

[–]godlessatheist 42 points43 points ago

Wrong! It was $5

http://www.reddit.com/r/gif/comments/mcjys/how_i_feel_walking_into_mcdonalds_with_more_than_5/

[–]FlyingPasta 34 points35 points ago

Checkmate, austin713.

[–]Terrance021 9 points10 points ago

Cause STONE COLD AUSTIN sez so

[–]Memphis241 10 points11 points ago

Making worms out of play dough was the best one.

[–]albinocheetah 2 points3 points ago

I really hoped that one was so good it would end them all.

[–]ebfos 5 points6 points ago

Baleed dat!

[–]n2dasun 5 points6 points ago

*Balee

[–]ebfos 2 points3 points ago

excuse me

[–]andrewsmith1986 196 points197 points ago

I'm sorry to hear about the breakup, can I comfort you with my penis?

[–]fineassbitch 112 points113 points ago

"that must be so hard. even harder than i am right now."

[–]ace9ner 35 points36 points ago

Baby I know your feeling down... but I want to get down with you soo

[–]cheeeo 3 points4 points ago

Is this a Tokyo Police Club reference?

[–]ace9ner 3 points4 points ago

YEAH MUFUCKA!!!!

[–]ZebrajustZebra 0 points1 point ago

I love the fact that SRS hate you so much they can't acknowledge this post was sarcastic and mock the shitty kind of "friend" girls often find themselves surrounded with after a breakup.

[–]andrewsmith1986 0 points1 point ago

They aren't too smart.

[–]CTRL_ALT_RAPE -5 points-4 points ago

Our penises

[–]MrLaughter -2 points-1 points ago

He didn't offer other penises! Dont force words into his mouth!

[–]juicius -5 points-4 points ago

Not many people would admit that his penis is soft and non-threatening.

[–]theLastHokage 3 points4 points ago

Birdman seems to like rubbing his hands together.

[–]su- 1 point2 points ago

he would have worked up some good calluses by now

[–]Radzell 0 points1 point ago

It's his signal for gettin money. To bad for his hands that hes always getting money.

[–]D4M3 7 points8 points ago

What's this from?come on reddit work your ass.

[–]canthandleit35[S] 8 points9 points ago

It's the music video for "Shine On" by Birdman & Lil Wayne.

[–]Radzell 3 points4 points ago

It's from everyday of birdman life. He gets money he rubs his hand. To bad for his hands he always gettin money.

[–]Fatstrings 4 points5 points ago

Black?

[–]gg_h4x_ 2 points3 points ago

What's this from?

[–]jcbneuner 6 points7 points ago

The music video for "Shine on" by Birdman and Lil Wayne.

[–]Queenofchocolate 2 points3 points ago

Excellent....Everything is going according to the plan.

[–]MMMMMdericious 0 points1 point ago

I haven't seen this .gif used any better than this, well done OP

[–]dirk_lance 3 points4 points ago

I must admit that I am one of those people who like newly single relationship statuses. But I only doing it if the chick is hot, the dude was an asshole, the relationship was ridiculuos or the all three of these criteria are given.

[–]lngjohnslvr 11 points12 points ago

It's too obvious to everybody then though haha

[–]jcbneuner 0 points1 point ago

I thought that may have been the point?

[–]mattinatorio 0 points1 point ago

my thoughts exactly...

[–]obvioustroll0000 0 points1 point ago

strike while the iron is venerable.

Edit of shame. vulnerable.. strike while the iron is vulnerable

[–]fyberoptyk 2 points3 points ago

I think you mean vulnerable.

Unless you're into old women or something. Then venerable would apply. That's cool too.

[–]chubbsatwork 2 points3 points ago

Get some of that antique ass.

[–]obvioustroll0000 0 points1 point ago

wow, need to pay better attention to autocorrect.

[–]Growing4Freedom 0 points1 point ago

That is usually the face I make too.

[–]wolfchimneyrock 0 points1 point ago

I like play-doh too

[–]bloc61 0 points1 point ago

Haa thats perfect!

[–]NYRfan30 0 points1 point ago

I liked it when someone titled it "making play doh snakes as a kid"

[–]tl_dr__ 0 points1 point ago

How I feel walking into McDonalds with more than $5.

[–]grifmasta 0 points1 point ago

He looks like he's about to send that bitch a smiley face too.

[–]jai07 0 points1 point ago

I cannot for the like of me understand the wording on this title. edit: nvm took me a minute.

[–]bbarry24 0 points1 point ago

All I could think of was the "I laughed way too hard at this posts".

[–]benzwaggy 0 points1 point ago

That's me when I walk into McDonalds with more than 5 dollars.

[–]Cool_Story_Bra 0 points1 point ago

I like to call Dibs on fellow male friends of mine.

[–]whatkeybetolock 0 points1 point ago

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=MX6rC1krGp0#t=24s

[–]jengson 0 points1 point ago

If you were my best friend, I'd want U round all the time

[–]yovman 1 point2 points ago

haha definitely knew what this was going to be before I clicked it. always good

[–]MrSamKing 0 points1 point ago

I have been looking for this gif for a while now. Thanks

[–]ImmortalImitator 0 points1 point ago

Guilty.

[–]Doctor_Loggins 0 points1 point ago

That feel when I haven't changed my single status on FB for about half a decade...

[–]aradraugfea 0 points1 point ago

Occassionally, I like simply because the moron was dating a manipulative moron and it's about fucking time.

[–]Whystherenoname 0 points1 point ago

I think the "mine" birds from finding nemo would fit better

[–]CheesusDairyMessiah 0 points1 point ago

You forgot the part of the pic where he walks straight into the door.

[–]jamesriverblues -1 points0 points ago

just logged in to upvote this thank you sir!

[–]petitmonstre 0 points1 point ago

lololololol, YES. This is why it's best to remove the status altogether. keep the hyenas at bay.

[–]SPAGHETTIeatingFUCK 0 points1 point ago

I was expecting the gif of the seagulls on finding nemo :(

[–]Downvoteverticalvids -1 points0 points ago

a little while ago a friend of mine broke up with his GF; She changed her facebook status to say no longer in a relationship. My friend, the ex-bf, liked the status. I laughed.

[–]linkismyhero 0 points1 point ago

I went on a break with my girlfriend for a period of about a month. It wasn't a bad breakup, we were just having a bunch of little problems that were getting overwhelming, so we needed time apart.

Literally MINUTES after she changed her status to single, her ex-boyfriend called her up. She ignored the call, but he left an amusing voicemail, which she let me listen to the next morning. It was priceless how hard he was trying to NOT sound like a tryhard. Something like "Hey... um... how are you doing? What have you been up to? Yeah, I know we haven't talked in a while, but I've been pretty busy and, uh, yeah if you ever want to talk, just know that I'm here for you. So uh, you know, uh, call me back sometime. Bye." So many uhs.

She got some other messages too, but they were less significant and from people who were clearly betas trying to score some brownie points.

[–]Johnnygunnz 0 points1 point ago

I got a like for the same thing a few weeks ago. Except it was from my male friend who promptly posted "Now's my chance!" Made me feel a little better.

[–]flamingboard 0 points1 point ago

How did I know this was going to be the link? I spend too much time on reddit and would be better off dead.

[–]SirSnackbox37 0 points1 point ago

black?

[–]delegable94 0 points1 point ago

You white people are hilarious.

[–]Riipa 0 points1 point ago

I only "like" this, if the s/o was an asshat anyway. It's kind of a "your better without him/her". :)

[–]Killian93 -3 points-2 points ago

I just died laughing thank you so much! Upvotes for everyone!

[–]Cool_Story_Bra 2 points3 points ago

RIP

[–]katmwilliams -5 points-4 points ago

I laughed hard too, feels good.

[–]TheArtBug 0 points1 point ago

I do it because my friends need a properly placed thumbs up at times ;)

[–]Sleepy_One 0 points1 point ago

Roll that play-doh thug. Only playas make snakes.

[–]ultrajinx -3 points-2 points ago

fucking guilty as charged.

[–]Mellonote -2 points-1 points ago

But what if their white?

[–]fyberoptyk 4 points5 points ago

Their white what?

[–]Mellonote 2 points3 points ago

I noticed it after posting and was too lazy to fix. Shut up :(

[–]AiJay1 -1 points0 points ago

Only reason my wife and I are together. Going on 4 years now.

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