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top 200 commentsshow all 234

[–]DoesNotRhyme 210 points211 points ago

Do you want to get ants?

[–]koalasRkillers[S] 170 points171 points ago

Because that's how you get ants

[–]KoNP 50 points51 points ago

Barry, is that how you get ants?

[–]Vendetta476 65 points66 points ago

Yes it is other Barry.

Yes it is.

[–]XaroXhaonDaxos 30 points31 points ago

That, and breaking your ant farm.

[–]T-Figgy 14 points15 points ago

34,000 karma after 2 days? What sort of demigod are you?

[–]sjh981 23 points24 points ago

A demigod with 34,000 alternate accounts.

[–]T-Figgy 8 points9 points ago

And so the truth comes out!

[–]Redditor_0 4 points5 points ago

I believe we just had a Dwight Schrute/ Jim halpert argument moment.

[–]Crunchycasino 6 points7 points ago

Just that...a demigod

[–]spehno 1 point2 points ago

[–]DJ33 11 points12 points ago

Frisky Dingo was incredible. I have no idea where the hell the last few episodes were leading, or if it had any hope of being anywhere near as good as it was, but I am constantly upset by how few people are aware of it.

tl;dr BOOSH! BOOSH! BOOSH! BOOSH!

[–]Dingo8urBaby 2 points3 points ago

I just finished the first season of Jon Benjamin has a Van. Please tell me there is another.

[–]Nerfherder32 1 point2 points ago

That man has the most amazing voice acting career I've ever seen

[–]ziplokk 1 point2 points ago

HARUMPH!

[–]Wordshark 2 points3 points ago

I was really hoping this linked where it did.

Man, that show went downhill fast. It's like, if a woman gave birth on the back of a motorcycle, just as it hit a ramp and launched over a shark, that baby would be Frisky Dingo.

[–]OBLG 1 point2 points ago

Correction Very Relevant

[–]Alexi_Strife 0 points1 point ago

Ant farm keyboard!

[–]FishBonePendant 10 points11 points ago

God koalasRkillers, that is classic you.

[–]bearssuck 5 points6 points ago

Oh you are just your mother all over.

[–]Wuzzle_Maker 1 point2 points ago

[–]ZDragon 16 points17 points ago

Ha! Another reference!

[–]DoesNotRhyme 7 points8 points ago

And at the same time, it works!

You see messy rooms have a good chance on containing old food (doughnuts perhaps?), thus attracting ants!

[–]FridayNightSargin 2 points3 points ago

My room is messy but I don't leave food lying around. Some people can be messy without being slobs. I doubt ants like old socks or broken power supplies.

[–]Dingo8urBaby 1 point2 points ago

Psst. It's another reference to Archer, the show the picture is from. You should watch it!

[–]qxw 1 point2 points ago

You're the first person to make this reference.

[–]Kimusubi 278 points279 points ago

$girlfriend = $mom;

[–]gulpeg 78 points79 points ago

Sometime moms make the best girlfriends

[–]TheNovelNovelty 114 points115 points ago

Not when they have been with everyone on Xbox Live.

[–]everlong016 26 points27 points ago

Based on what I"m told on Xbox Live, my mom apparently has a big thing for 12 year olds.

[–]okmkz 27 points28 points ago

Coincidentally, I have a big thing for your mom.

[–]everlong016 14 points15 points ago

[–]TracyMorganFreeman 0 points1 point ago

Well it's likely not the other way around.

[–]NoSleevesPlease -1 points0 points ago

Maybe it's just me but I enjoy talking shit on Xbox Live. Especially to 12 year olds.

[–]XaroXhaonDaxos 30 points31 points ago

I wish I could get women like those guys.

[–]buttcheeky 24 points25 points ago

That one redditor sure thought so.

[–]FarmerTedd 17 points18 points ago

[–]SomeNoveltyAccount 0 points1 point ago

And he claims in the thread that it's not something that affected him, and that he doesn't still find his mother attractive... then he uses the account months later to post in /r/incest, on a topic related to incest chat rooms.

I would be interested in chatting. I did an AMA a few months back about me and my mom. Would love to hear other's stories as well. PM me.

[–]mikey420 3 points4 points ago

wow me too how the fuck did i remember that ha

let me guess do you remember the cum box thread too?

[–]FarmerTedd 4 points5 points ago

I think it was a jar. But

[–]mikey420 2 points3 points ago

no i distinctly remember it being a old tissue box buddy was keeping in the closet, and he tried to burn it once if iirc

[–]Tapego 1 point2 points ago

I'm pretty sure there was also sort of one about a drawer.

...there are too many of these ಠ_ಠ

[–]xAretardx 1 point2 points ago

Shoe box*

[–]stealthxbeanbag 0 points1 point ago

Why remind me:(

[–]WilsonHanks 3 points4 points ago

I loved that thread. It was disturbing, but it was one of the funniest things I have ever read.

[–]everlong016 4 points5 points ago

It was one of the most engrossing AMAs we've ever had, for sure.

[–]akatherder 1 point2 points ago

Your mom is the best "girlfriend".

Yes I act like a 12 year old.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

Is that PHP?

[–]xjvz 4 points5 points ago

That syntax would work with Perl and Java, just to name a couple alternatives.

[–]MilesOkeefe 2 points3 points ago

TIL that in Java, " A variable's name can be any legal identifier — an unlimited-length sequence of Unicode letters and digits, beginning with a letter, the dollar sign "$..."(Oracle Docs)

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

TIAL.

[–]Archenoth 2 points3 points ago

Is that "Today I Also Learned"..?

[–]RightousRepulican 6 points7 points ago

It's "Today I Almost Learned".

He stopped reading it half way.

[–]Archenoth 0 points1 point ago

Ah... Thanks.

[–]Shadax 2 points3 points ago

Whew. That was a close one.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

Yes.

[–]alexincode 0 points1 point ago

And now you must unlearn it, or face the consequences.

[–]sheky 0 points1 point ago

Ya, I was staring at his command and just thinking -- why are the words variables?

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

Good point. You could just make those literals since they don't change...also, is it just one equals in PHP? Or is he assigning $girlfriend to $mom. And why do I care?

[–]duckedtapedemon 0 points1 point ago

= for assignment, == for comparison.

And you can also do the following:

$cow = "truth"; $variablename = "cow"; echo $$variablename; // outputs "truth"

yea, it'll evaluate the first variablename to figure out what variable to look up next. And do some magic type casting too!

[–]ExtraCheesed_Buddha 2 points3 points ago

99% of the time, no girl can equal mom

[–]Meleculus 0 points1 point ago

That's a bit of a stretch. I would say 2 $girlfriend = $mom.

[–]Bmoney34 1 point2 points ago

Phrasing!

[–]Anomonis 0 points1 point ago

When I saw "my room"....I don't have a "room"...because I don't live with my mother...

[–]yorickpeterse 1 point2 points ago

PHP Notice: Undefined variable: mom in Reddit on line 1

[–]TMarkos 0 points1 point ago

$girlfriend[] = $mom;

[–]heroinqueen 58 points59 points ago

"krieger isnt even a medical doctor!"

"not even the other kind, technically..."

[–]supakoopa 116 points117 points ago

Reddit needs more Archer.

[–]mckelroy88 64 points65 points ago

YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!

[–]capripwn 29 points30 points ago

Sploosh.

[–]TheNoisyNinja 13 points14 points ago

Whatever the male equivalent of sploosh is.... which I guess is just sploosh.

[–]Sypons 10 points11 points ago

Except with semen.

[–]supakoopa 17 points18 points ago

Whomp whomp.

[–]DrTorpedo 4 points5 points ago

Oh wait... yes you are.

[–]commandodude1265 83 points84 points ago

Life needs more Archer.

[–]davidburns 4 points5 points ago

[–]supakoopa 1 point2 points ago

Perfection!

[–]youmyboyblue 1 point2 points ago

boop

[–]AwkwardMe -1 points0 points ago

Nailed it.

[–]AceAndJocelyn 17 points18 points ago

Lana. Lana. LANA. LANAAAAA!

[–]fortkickass23 13 points14 points ago

WHAT?!?!

[–]AceAndJocelyn 21 points22 points ago

Danger Zone!

[–]fortkickass23 8 points9 points ago

I love it when Archer says that. Cracks me up errytime.

[–]weareallgoingtoeatpi 30 points31 points ago

"Oh pigly." The reference works because apparently you're a pig.

[–]amburnikole 14 points15 points ago

"Cry havoc and let slip the hogs of war" "Dogs of war..." "Whatever farm animal of war Lana, shut up!"

[–]mckelroy88 9 points10 points ago

I don't have one of those.....anymore.

[–]gremlinz43 29 points30 points ago

[–]d_compo 23 points24 points ago

Oh Kriegesaaaaan

[–]mckelroy88 11 points12 points ago

my blossoms are wiillllting

[–]d_compo 10 points11 points ago

Oh you are just your mother all over

[–]klutzr 26 points27 points ago

The secret ingredient...is phone

[–]Archon457 21 points22 points ago

I will literally upvote any Archer or Doctor Who reference.

[–]KoNP 34 points35 points ago

BECAUSE HOW HARD IS IT TO POACH A GODDAMN EGG PROPERLY?

[–]mckelroy88 29 points30 points ago

Seriously, Woodhouse. That's like, eggs 101

[–]KoNP 1 point2 points ago

I also need you to buy sand. I don't know if they grade it, but... coarse.

[–]contak 1 point2 points ago

So. Brave.

[–]ag04 7 points8 points ago

Casa Blumpkin

[–]mckelroy88 6 points7 points ago

Blob Marley

[–]peterm242 8 points9 points ago

So happy this show got signed for a 4th season. Thought it was over.

[–]Thornar68 6 points7 points ago

Krieger is the shit!

[–]wrathful_pinecone 7 points8 points ago

That's a nice fort, Barry.

You are correct, other Barry.

[–]toooldtobother 27 points28 points ago

Someone in Fort Kickass isn't getting laid.

[–]zolfe 48 points49 points ago

Someone outside Fort Kickass isn't getting laid either.

[–]RageMorePlz 4 points5 points ago

Yeah, me.

[–]fortkickass23 12 points13 points ago

Never has my username been so relevant.

[–]HopefulWisdom 12 points13 points ago

An Archer post made the front page?!

...This is the happiest day of my life :')

[–]jcaesar22 10 points11 points ago

Oh! Kree-ga san!

[–]SpocksLover 5 points6 points ago

You're so gay, you sneeze glitter.

[–]mckelroy88 1 point2 points ago

Thank you

[–]blink0r 5 points6 points ago

OP says "girlfriend" but subtly means "mom".

[–]liberalis 0 points1 point ago

He has a macro for auto-correct, so he doesn't even have to think about it any more. Types "Mom", out comes "girlfriend".

[–]blink0r 1 point2 points ago

That's a great idea.. something my "girlfriend" would suggest.

[–]blackholesand 10 points11 points ago

My boyfriend accused me of being a slob when we moved in together. Meanwhile he would put his dishes in the sink and not do them, spill things in the cabinets/on the counter/floor and not clean it up. When I confronted him about it he told me that he always left his knives covered with peanut butter on the table and the problem always got solved somehow.

I actually saw the light bulb go on in his head when I told him he mom doesn't live with us, but if he misses a maid he is more than welcome to a) hire one or b) move back home.

[–]Trylstag 10 points11 points ago

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but: your boyfriend is an idiot.

[–]generic_0 0 points1 point ago

I think your boyfriend was my roommate. :(

[–]gman94 19 points20 points ago

I'm sure OP lives with his parents and she comes over. Bro, how could you pound your sexy-ass girlfriend in a filthy hovel? Clean your shit bro

[–]BlackZeppelin 5 points6 points ago

It's ok he doesn't have a girlfriend. He found the picture then made up a story.

[–]gman94 1 point2 points ago

And I am ok with that.

[–]joeanon 4 points5 points ago

Sometimes it's just not worth cleaning your room when you can just pound her in said fort kickass.

[–]gman94 14 points15 points ago

Maybe, but maybe she doesn't wanna let you inside Fort feelsgoodman unless Fort Kickass isn't a dirty rat infested hut.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]gman94 4 points5 points ago

I dunno man, rats are fucking weird. Maybe it's the pizza crumbs INSIDE the clothes pile.

[–]TracyMorganFreeman 2 points3 points ago

Fort feelsgoodman

Gold.

[–]dollarglis 4 points5 points ago

upon which, fort kick ass is leveled to the ground by boot on foot of girlfriend.

[–]yankeewhite 4 points5 points ago

Daaaaaanger zone

[–]Wisdom_from_the_Ages 1 point2 points ago

When she dumps you for a man, remember that you're just a boy until you clean your fucking room.

/just sayin'...

[–]d0kd0k 7 points8 points ago

[–]The_Salesman 0 points1 point ago

Just be aware that you will have to expect your authority over her vagina to slowly melt as you live in your own filth.

[–]Ottoblock 2 points3 points ago

My room is clean. Single. Forever alone.

[–]andriapanda 2 points3 points ago

Upvoting solely for Archer.

[–]effinsixtyfour 2 points3 points ago

You, sir, do not have a girlfriend.

[–]Taco_Hunter 2 points3 points ago

Now I need to rewatch all of Archer, thanks.

[–]wijormiclat 2 points3 points ago

Enjoy being single soon.

[–]muteriot 1 point2 points ago

Well in that case then ambassador dick won't be allowed in the nation of vagina until fort kickass is clean.

[–]rootale 0 points1 point ago

this is fucking funny. first thing i've lol'd at in a long time. as in actual lol.

[–]vell_o 2 points3 points ago

Sounds like you live with your mom.

[–]iamsohungryrightmeow 2 points3 points ago

So you're a dirty asshole?

[–]NIUJager 10 points11 points ago

You live with your girlfriend... in separate rooms? Suuuuuuuure

[–]Shortythecat 63 points64 points ago

He never said they lived together.

[–]NIUJager 29 points30 points ago

Fuck you, logic!

[–]cojafoji 7 points8 points ago

Mmmmm, Logic, your inner thigh is so... Leathery...

[–]BasicDesignAdvice 11 points12 points ago

Doesn't matter. Reddit users tend to be more interested in antagonizing comments than they are critical thinking these days.

[–]walruskingmike 1 point2 points ago

You didn't use enough vowels!

[–]willscy 1 point2 points ago

Shh, his mom reads reddit!

[–]Kufcys 2 points3 points ago

If you live with your girlfriend you don't have this problem.

[–]onenifty 2 points3 points ago

I just watched this episode for the first time no more than 10 minutes ago. Great show. On another note, stop being such a slob.

[–]corerouter 2 points3 points ago

Clean your freaking bedroom you are trying to impress not depress.

[–]mikey420 0 points1 point ago

When I hear 'my girlfriend' and 'my room' in the same sentence I always assume you live with your mom.

[–]trakam 0 points1 point ago

For girlfriend read 'mom'

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

I would rather be single than have a boyfriend who needs me to tell him to clean his room. Ugh.

EDIT: ...and judging from some of the other comments, a lot of people on reddit think you jump straight from being single to being in a serious relationship and living together. Apparently, there's no such thing as being in a relationship and not living together unless you're twelve. Now I have a mental image of someone here changing their relationship status on facebook and instantly showing up at their SO's door with suitcases, asking about the wifi. Seriously, what kind of expectations do you have? This isn't the Sims, this is real life. And long distance relationships would be impossible if this was the case.

[–]Judge_Hate 0 points1 point ago

Fort kickass. I wish I worked in an office to make one of my own.

[–]haiku_robot -1 points0 points ago

Fort kickass. I wish 
I worked in an office to 
make one of my own.

[–]Pandadeist12 1 point2 points ago

There's a weird optical illusion where the corner of the box fort makes the words seem to curve down in the middle of the word "recognized"

[–]Ceejae 1 point2 points ago

Incorrect. She was at birth granted access code Vagina.

[–]WalkonWaterorDrown 1 point2 points ago

"Password. Hmmm... 'Guest.' No way! It can't be. Jesus Christ that is just baby town frolics..."

[–]zergov 0 points1 point ago

I don't know why, But this scene made me think about Assassin's Creed...

[–]Nubman77 1 point2 points ago

Do you have a kickass van?

[–]rocketjumpfish 1 point2 points ago

Error Authority.dll not found.

[–]TARDISBlue2013 0 points1 point ago

Holy shit. This is at best mildly interesting to the rest of you all, but this is exceptionally lucky timing for me. I just watched this episode no more than an hour ago. Such fun.

[–]BentAxel 0 points1 point ago

WTF? Why is your girlfriend telling you to clean your room? Maybe she is saying: You are a filthy person and if you want to get with her, maybe you should care a little more about yourself? Either you are or you need to find a better woman.

[–]richmomz 0 points1 point ago

"In that case, your clearance to Ft. Poontang is suspended until further notice."

[–]thelbane -1 points0 points ago

Back when we first started living together, my ex and I shared our apartment with a male co-worker roommate. One evening, we were about to head out for dinner and both went up to our roommate's room to invite him along. Knocked on his door, heard some shuffling and a strained, "one sec!" Ex and I knew what was up. He opened his door and anxiously blurted, "I was cleaning my room!"

His fly was open and there was still porn plainly visible under his bed. No big deal, but "cleaning my room" became our permanent, universal euphemism for fapping.

Years later, after getting married and having kids, our son came running downstairs, proudly exclaiming that he'd cleaned his room. He was probably four at the time, but that didn't stop us from needing to seriously stifle some all out laughter in order to properly praise his efforts.

I'm planning to gradually get him paranoid about this euphemism as he gets older... knock knock knock "Just wanted to make sure I didn't walk in on you cleaning your room." "Huh?"

...and now I have my dad's sense of humor.

[–]flunkorg 0 points1 point ago

My girlfriends room is about 100x worst then mine.

[–]pibroch 1 point2 points ago

SPLOOSH!!

[–]Craisins_In_My_BHole 1 point2 points ago

Ft. Kickass is likely extremely deficient in pussy.

[–]AQCon 1 point2 points ago

Upvote for some Archer.

[–]veryfunnyandhandsome 1 point2 points ago

Guise, why do we have to make up these stupid titles for these funny images? Why? The title is probably almost always a lie; let's not do that anymore.

[–]omacranger -1 points0 points ago

Anyone who can make an Archer reference as smooth as that deserves an upvote.

[–]Fodcomplex 0 points1 point ago

but relay its your mom

[–]almond22 0 points1 point ago

danger zone!!!

[–]Vakieh 0 points1 point ago

Thus endeth the sex.

[–]AwkwardMe 0 points1 point ago

... I had something for this...

[–]thompsnn 0 points1 point ago

Why is there not more Archer references on Reddit? Archer is amazing.

[–]Gmoney613 0 points1 point ago

Up vote for archer reference

[–]keeservonp -1 points0 points ago

This is actually one of my first go-to comebacks. The other being "yeah? Well, fuck me.". It feels good to be right.

[–]Evets616 0 points1 point ago

Nice, I just watched this last night.

[–]Strykermcgee 0 points1 point ago

I will always up-vote anything Archer

[–]allthelineswecast 0 points1 point ago

I just started watching this today! Where has it been all my life?

[–]RashRenegade 0 points1 point ago

Every single noun and verb in that sentence....totally arouses me.

[–]goshfyde 0 points1 point ago

This line of archer made me laugh so fucking hard!

[–]N1MBL3 0 points1 point ago

So you and your girlfriend have seperate rooms?

[–]Demonic_Pitster -1 points0 points ago

I tried something similar with my girlfriend but she got PISSED.....................now im in the Daaaaayyyyngeeehhh zoooowwwnne

[–]thesmeg 0 points1 point ago

You have your own room? And a girlfriend? Tell me more HOW!

[–]I_Eat_Toothpaste 0 points1 point ago

Mancaves, my friend.

[–]LuckyDuck77 0 points1 point ago

you don't have a gf

[–]implyingiusereddit 0 points1 point ago

girlfriend

SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURE.

[–]luigisfuckingpeach 0 points1 point ago

Don't you share a room?

[–]mitchg01 0 points1 point ago

Yeah? And what actually happened?

[–]BlindMonster 0 points1 point ago

"You're not my supervisor!" Comes to mind as well.

[–]poisomike87 0 points1 point ago

The moment you recognize something that you created a year ago being used on reddit is awesome!

[–]Lou39 0 points1 point ago

Upvote for archer. Love that show.

[–]Blazer9000 0 points1 point ago

Sorry, I was imagining Whore Island...

[–]liberalis 0 points1 point ago

Well, shit. I have a house I share with my wife, and two kids. We keep things clean cause we're not slobs and respect and care for eachothers comfort. No, I am not fun at parties, and yes, I am old.

[–]CygnusVismundCygnus -1 points0 points ago

"Clean my room"?

I always get the "It's our room" talk when I tell my gf we don't need to change the sheets every day...

So I'll start to respond with the: "It may be "our" room, but it's my apartment, and..."

She responds: "It may be your apartment, but it's my vagina."

I stop talking then and usually end up taking her out to fancy dinner. She wins every time. That damn vagina... always... winning arguments.

Now I don't complain anymore. Happy gf = happy life.

[–]jmelloy 8 points9 points ago

She changes the sheets every day? That's not neat, it's neurotic.