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top 200 commentsshow all 234

[–]CptSpiffyPanda 92 points93 points ago

I honestly wonder how many guys have a bottle of lube for masturbating.

[–]NedryOS 75 points76 points ago

I used lube for the first time ever a couple nights ago. It was a different feel and that alone made it better, but the post-op cleanup wasn't worth it. I'll just be sticking to freehand.

[–]Jellyman64 54 points55 points ago

post-op

ಠ_ಠ

[–]NedryOS 20 points21 points ago

What about it? There are times when its like a military operation: get in blow a load get out as fast as possible.

[–]brawnybuck69 10 points11 points ago

That's why you jerk off with lube... in the shower.

[–]guitarguy109 18 points19 points ago

tip: hair conditioner > shampoo, doesn't burn.

[–]brawnybuck69 27 points28 points ago

Yes. Shampoo will take layers of skin off your schlong. Conditioner feels like what I think a vagina feels like..

[–]VTJP 37 points38 points ago

As a non virgin i can confirm this.

[–]gg4465a 1 point2 points ago

Don't any of you people own soap?

[–]guitarguy109 20 points21 points ago

Ouch!

[–]gg4465a 20 points21 points ago

You merely adopted the world of shower lubrication. I was born in it.

[–]toclafane 11 points12 points ago

Dude, that's gross.

[–]arienh4 8 points9 points ago

Your parents lubricated in the shower when you were conceived?

...When you were born?

[–]mortaine -3 points-2 points ago

Redditors.

[–]purplestofthepurples 0 points1 point ago

I tried it with soap in the shower once. Oh god the burning

[–]Balls2theW4ll 2 points3 points ago

Grip it and rip it... Sounded a lot better in my head

[–]Asiansensationz 0 points1 point ago

For that I take shower twice a day. 2 birds with one load.

[–]Sengura 14 points15 points ago

Who needs lube when you have an opposable thumb?

[–]Account_Eliminator 13 points14 points ago

It's because most Americans don't have a foreskin so they need lotion to make it more comfortable, or so I've been led to believe.

[–]hayashirice911 7 points8 points ago

I don't have foreskin, and it's still comfortable for me. (Dry rub)

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]NextName 6 points7 points ago

Did you know people use lotion for masturbation outside of actually needing to? It can make it feel better, regardless of being circumcised or not. Most (read: an overwhelming majority) of men don't need lotion to masturbate. They do it out of choice.

[–]Account_Eliminator 3 points4 points ago

Of course, it's not worth the extra mess though in my opinion.

[–]jhin_mach 0 points1 point ago

i had no idea most english had foreskin. thought removing foreskin was a common practice in the whole western world. i have a foreskin too mate

[–]Electrifired 1 point2 points ago

Pretty uncommon to be circumcised is Australia too.

[–]Scriptonaut 1 point2 points ago

I have a foreskin so it's always just been a pain in the ass cleanup that isn't worth it. However, most of my friends(who all seem to be circumcised) use either lube or lotion.

[–]Gauss_Euler 4 points5 points ago

only americans

[–]Antinous 3 points4 points ago

Probably not nearly as many as the internet pretends.

[–]dekmaskin 0 points1 point ago

Use your foreskin instead guys!

[–]IronLusk 0 points1 point ago

I've done it. Well, not solely for masturbating. But it was used to masturbate a good bit more than it was with women.

[–]adamzep91 1 point2 points ago

Never have. It's messy and unpleasant.

[–]nebula27 1 point2 points ago

I do, but rarely use it because of all the leftover residue.

[–]JKR93 1 point2 points ago

I somewhat do. But the shower it's easy clean-up, and I don't have to convince everyone in my house that I'm changing and get complained to that I'm always changing.

[–]runsoutofspace 0 points1 point ago

Rough hands...

[–]DoNotTypeBackBitch 1 point2 points ago

Never. I enjoy the fact I have thick callouses. It makes me feel bigger.

[–]AjdinSamurai 0 points1 point ago

I got one :D

[–]trivas 175 points176 points ago

I dry rub.

[–]Contero 30 points31 points ago

What's good for BBQ is good for you.

[–]eck0 4 points5 points ago

...but I don't think I want to put my piece anywhere near an actual BBQ.

[–]Tonytarium 85 points86 points ago

It simply takes to much time with the lotion, the clean up is tedious, and if someone walks in on you its harder to hide.

[–]Se7en_Sinner 19 points20 points ago

Why not just leave the lotion on? Bitches love smooth shafts.

[–]Kalashnikov74 49 points50 points ago

It combines with ball sweat and gets all gooey.

[–]brosenfeld 13 points14 points ago

And you get the hose if you don't.

[–]randomhero98 13 points14 points ago

harder to hide

Oh god what am I doing with my life

[–]bobdle 23 points24 points ago

[–]duBiYou 0 points1 point ago

This is why its nice to have a small dick.. All i have to do if fuck the bootle. Someone walks in ill just say that im refilling the lotion bottle.

[–]MindlessDreamer 3 points4 points ago

Nice try

[–]Cikedo 27 points28 points ago

To me using lotion is a little creepy. I think that's where you cross the line from "jerking off" to "fucking your own hand". ....I dont wanna fuck my hand :(

[–]crimson1490 27 points28 points ago

Yeah you do

[–]scuzzman 5 points6 points ago

If thats the line for you then you're more sexually repressed than you realize.

[–]Cikedo 2 points3 points ago

It's not like I said "the furthest I'm willing to go sexually is non-lubricated jacking off" and set the bar for every single sexual activity.

That is however the line for me simply between hand fucking and jerking off. I have no idea what the fuck sexual repression you are referring to o.O It's not like you have any idea of my sexual history XD

[–]xucoalex 0 points1 point ago

Yes. Yes you do ಠ‿ಠ

[–]threefs 32 points33 points ago

Most serial killers are dry guys

[–]5paceman5piff 0 points1 point ago

And most of them (US serial killers, at least) come from Long Island. I tried to search to find a link to the fact but I gave up after it wasn't incredibly easy to find.

[–]Account_Eliminator 9 points10 points ago

I haven't had my foreskin lobbed off, so dry rub/ lotion/ this post - mean nothing to me! muahahaha

[–]iwidiwin 2 points3 points ago

possibly going to regret this Forgive me for jumping on the top comment's coattails, but I only dry rub. Lotion or other lubes just feel like I'm trying to hard (pardon the pun) to make it feel like the real thing.
Dry has always felt the best. Anyone else with me? ..........anyone?

[–]TheWhiteShadow42 4 points5 points ago

Same. The reason is that if I so much as touch lotion, I will vomit. Something about the texture and smell of lotion creates a sensory overload in my autistic brain. When these sensory overloads happen, I vomit. Another example is when I smell that stupid fucking hand sanitizer from Bath and Body Works that has different smells. If I'm in the same room as somebody who is using that, I will almost certainly start gagging/dry heaving or maybe even full-on vomit. It's irritating as fuck. Also, steamy bathrooms do this if it is sudden. If I'm in there when it's becoming steamy, it doesn't bother me so much, but if I just walk in to a steamy bathroom, I start gagging and may even vomit.

[–]Reckless_Abaddon 13 points14 points ago

Huh, cool.

[–]TheWhiteShadow42 1 point2 points ago

It actually sucks, because I often have very dry skin due to this. When I do get my dry skin, I can't really do anything about it. I really only get dry skin during the winter when it is dry out, though. Otherwise I have extremely sweaty palms and very oily skin (that sucks as well, because I can't shake people's hands and I have bad acne that is essentially unpreventable.)

[–]Reckless_Abaddon 0 points1 point ago

I'm sure it's terrible, and if others get a hold of this information they could surely hold it against you.

I just also thought it was cool, would be interesting to know the why for something like this. TV shows often talk about repressed memories (raped in a lotion factory), not sure if that's just bollocks though.

[–]TheWhiteShadow42 2 points3 points ago

I can assure you that I was never raped in a lotion factory. See, people with autism are generally very sensitive in some regard, such as with their hearing, sight, touch, smell, and taste. Also, there are defense mechanisms that develop for things like this. For a lot of people, it is that rocking motion. For me, it turned out to be vomiting/gagging. I also do the rocking motion, but I don't do it to the extent of a lot of autistic people. It is simply comforting. I don't really know how to explain it in any other way. Also, I have ADHD, which also has made me sensitive to touch, especially in my fingers. It hurts like cutting myself if I cut my fingernails. That's how sensitive my fingers are. Having ADHD and Asperger's is very weird. If I don't take my Ritalin, I am fairly outgoing with a sense of humor, but as soon as I take my Ritalin, I turn into a highly introverted person and I don't really have much of a sense of humor anymore. There's a lot more that changes when I take my medication than just that, but I don't feel like explaining everything.

[–]Getsdownvotes 6 points7 points ago

I have never used lotion, and why would I. I create my own

[–]RaoulDuke92 3 points4 points ago

I physically can't use lotion or lube, you just can't get a good grip...

[–]jmlambert 34 points35 points ago

maybe its to small

[–]RaoulDuke92 0 points1 point ago

How do you figure..?

[–]commando2047 0 points1 point ago

I use toothpaste. Mmm so minty.

[–]IAmA_Alien_AMA 6 points7 points ago

I actually tried this several years ago. In my top 10 dumbest mistakes.

[–]Yourdomdaddy 2 points3 points ago

I tried antibacterial hand soap. Aside from the hours-long burning sensation, it was kind of nice.

[–]Quothefool 0 points1 point ago

If that's not number one man, you need to get your shit together.

[–]Rumple_Manskin 0 points1 point ago

Tagged as tiny penis.

[–]axtolip 0 points1 point ago

Yeah, suck that up cut guys!

[–]PlayingWithCum 1 point2 points ago

Raw Dog.

[–]Joshua_ -5 points-4 points ago

Right this way, sir...

[–]Miss_Bee 38 points39 points ago

It depends on who broke up with who.

[–]smartzie 17 points18 points ago

There's the rational comment I was looking for....

[–]DOWNWTDASICKNESS 1 point2 points ago

I got dumped and didnt feel a thing. Maybe because I didnt love her as much as I said I did

[–]Miss_Bee 1 point2 points ago

Yeah, feelings have to do with it too. And I'm sure some people even know that they're about to be dumped soon, so it's not a surprise to them.

[–]cacotechny 51 points52 points ago

Can't we all just drink until we can't feel anything, like normal people?

[–]guitarguy109 11 points12 points ago

then it takes longer. whiskey dick.

[–]brosenfeld 12 points13 points ago

Or you can smoke weed and get high and be happy for no reason at all.

[–]jaffacakeonator 4 points5 points ago

I have friend who does that. Seems to help...

[–]StephAg09 2 points3 points ago

I've tried that and it made it worse... I would just go for a run and only stop when I was too exhausted to be upset anymore :-/

[–]zgh5002 0 points1 point ago

Personally, I prefer it when I spend an evening at home, drinking or smoking with my SO.

[–]mattsprofile 0 points1 point ago

That's illegal for some of us

[–]ginnythedruid 107 points108 points ago

Girl here, FTFY

[–]Direnaar 24 points25 points ago

I admire your honesty.

[–]Masonix 14 points15 points ago

Dem photoshop skills. /swoon

[–]UZUMATI-JAMESON 8 points9 points ago

Haha whoops, I didn't know I wasn't supposed to do this until a breakup... I guess everyday is a breakup day for me!

[–]GoWithItGirl 8 points9 points ago

[–]SexWalrus 29 points30 points ago

[–]_no_name 15 points16 points ago

[–]hairymeatcleaver 51 points52 points ago

WHY DO I KEEP CLICKING ON THESE!?!?!?!

[–]viper9172 13 points14 points ago

BECAUSE YOU LOVE IT!

[–]Iarechristopher 4 points5 points ago

Long live the Queen!

Edit: I apologize if there is an advertisement.

[–]BetterThanKush 0 points1 point ago

it was already purple :(

[–]Jomihoppe 11 points12 points ago

Nothing like a good ole angry jerk, just picture her being gorilla fucked by someone else, use the tearsas lube.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

I feel like I should have to pay you now for that brilliant mental imagery.

[–]Jomihoppe 5 points6 points ago

You should I'll Pm you my Paypal. kThanks!

[–]Homecomer -1 points0 points ago

ಠ_ಠ

[–]inthewildforest 18 points19 points ago

[–]DizzyNW 6 points7 points ago

This is so true. Why is it that women are better able to deal with breakups in the long term?

[–]RapeYouInTheFace 10 points11 points ago

Girl here - Cry it all out ASAP, then you can tell yourself to hold it together, and stick to it. And eventually, it stops hurting, it stops even being a thing.

Disclaimer: Works, I'd say, roughly 95% of the time.

[–]Kitsch22 12 points13 points ago

There was a study that Cracked referenced that suggested it had to do with women having stronger support networks. A lot of times guys break up with the "only person who gets him," which is a lot harder than just someone that you love and adore. (That last part's my take, anecdotal-like.)

[–]Lavarocked 1 point2 points ago

Yeah, apparently it's been shown that breakups are much worse for men. It makes sense, because a man's girlfriend/wife is often literally the only person he has any physical human contact with, among other things.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Zone86 3 points4 points ago

You WIN!

[–]onefootin 11 points12 points ago

You forgot the picture of the ex girlfriend

[–]Stiltburga 36 points37 points ago

not a good idea

[–]kannibalsoup 12 points13 points ago

Jergens for the jerkings.

They knew...

[–]aydiosmio 7 points8 points ago

I don't understand how people masturbate with lotion. Buy a bottle of Astroglide, they even make cheap store brand versions.

[–]guitarguy109 5 points6 points ago

my skin cant breathe when there is som much lotion on it, drives me crazy!

[–]Iarechristopher 3 points4 points ago

It's the slight differences that can change the context of pictures. Dry hands in men are increasing in numbers after break-ups! We must inform the world!

[–]manlord 3 points4 points ago

Using lotion is my next to last resort (the last being mucus). Really, the best thing I've ever found is KY warming gel. Make sure it's warming gel and not any of the other KY varieties. The shit lasts forever.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Piemonkey 4 points5 points ago

Hes saying he really doesn't like using lotion.

[–]icannotfly 0 points1 point ago

Don't knock it 'til you've tried it.

[–]Spazzy___Mcgee 4 points5 points ago

So I own a bottle of Jergens, and I keep it near my bed, but I do not use it to masturbate, only as hand moisturizer. I wonder what everyone who comes in my room thinks.

[–]scuzzman 4 points5 points ago

They think you use it to masturbate.

[–]Bluelychee 3 points4 points ago

Am i the only one who thought both sides portrayed masturbation? cuz fuck, we girls shlick and have to clean it up too.

[–]burdd 5 points6 points ago

more like this for me http://i.imgur.com/zCRk6.gif minus the fap

[–]witty_account_name 0 points1 point ago

Dare I ask who that is?

[–]burdd 0 points1 point ago

one of those teen mom girls

[–]IinventedGoogle 6 points7 points ago

I don't get it. Why does a guy's skin get dry from crying? Do the tears sap out all the moisture?

'Twas a joke people, please don't explain to me about boys' masturbation habits.

[–]Afond378 10 points11 points ago

How circumcised men deal with breakups you mean.

[–]guitarguy109 30 points31 points ago

as a circumcised man I can debunk this myth. FREEHANDERS FOR LIFE!

[–]witty_account_name 4 points5 points ago

Fistbump

I fear that I may have revealed too much

[–]icannotfly 3 points4 points ago

circumcised

revealed too much

heh.

[–]Kowzorz -2 points-1 points ago

As a circumcised man, I can freehand it but it just isn't as good...

[–]GrandMoffJed 1 point2 points ago

And sadly, we're fantasizing about our ex with someone else.

[–]IronLusk 1 point2 points ago

Ouch.

[–]d0nner 0 points1 point ago

I've never really gotten the part with the moisturizer, but then again, I haven't been circumcised.

[–]iiaustin 1 point2 points ago

Lucky I have never had a girlfriend

[–]hth6565 0 points1 point ago

I never understood why anyone would use lotion for fapping.. is it an american thing? Why do you do it? Whyyy?!

[–]Electrifired 1 point2 points ago

Circumcision.

[–]hth6565 0 points1 point ago

Really? I thought only jews and muslims did that... that's the case here in Denmark at least.

[–]Electrifired 0 points1 point ago

It's more common in the US. In Australia it's usually a religious thing, Jews, Catholics and Muslims do it.. I think.

[–]hth6565 0 points1 point ago

Learned something new about the Americans today then :-) There is actually a debate going on here at the moment, about making it illegal, if there is not a good medical reason to do it. I must admit I find it very cruel to do such a thing to a baby or child - why not let the boys wait until they are 18 and can decide for themselves.

[–]Electrifired 0 points1 point ago

There's some talk about it here in Australia too, but I don't think it's going to happen any time soon.

[–]rapmachinenodiggidy 0 points1 point ago

You need the lotion because your parents mutilated your penises?

[–]Dirtbuggy 0 points1 point ago

Who uses lube to wank? only cut men who don't have enough mobile skin to wank like a normal human being..

[–]synonimical 5 points6 points ago

The side of girls should have a bunch of food there. I mean a whole BUNCH of food

[–]colorado_panda 2 points3 points ago

Came here to say a pint of ben and jerry's belongs next to the girls' tissues, course that's just my personal choice.

[–]synonimical 1 point2 points ago

ooh yes, and some cookie dough...not the ice cream...just literally a bowl of batter :')

[–]TwoCarGarage 3 points4 points ago

The picture on the right is how I deal with my relationship.

[–]capt_0bvious 1 point2 points ago

Why can't you just buy another bottle of lotion?

[–]HiImTed 0 points1 point ago

jergen your gerkin

[–]nimitzhunter 1 point2 points ago

Subtle. I like it.

[–]atheisthindu 0 points1 point ago

I think they should rename the lotion to Jerkens!

[–]Raoul__Duke 1 point2 points ago

Tears of the penis.

[–]zombiesgivebrain 1 point2 points ago

The second one is obviously shopped, just look at the pixels.

[–]_Topher_ 0 points1 point ago

Upvotes for using paint.

[–]Mileskitsune 0 points1 point ago

its amazing how such tiny changes can hugely affect the message

[–]__d-_-b__ 0 points1 point ago

That's some serious MS-paint work. 8/10

[–]hunch 0 points1 point ago

Expecting [Fixed] version showing Ice Cream in the first picture in 5
4
3
2

[–]Irf00 1 point2 points ago

[–]Rascolito 0 points1 point ago

There's nothing wrong with crymaxing!

[–]acespace 0 points1 point ago

Coincidentally, that's also how most guys deal with a relationship.

[–]dyrnwynsk 0 points1 point ago

Except that the method on the left actually seems to help.

[–]clrokr -1 points0 points ago

Is using lube or lotion for masturbation an America thing? Nobody does this in Germany, the first time I saw this was when I watched American Pie. Please enlighten me.

[–]Kamigami 1 point2 points ago

I can't tell if you're honestly asking, but anyway, most American males are circumcized. Because there isnt enough skin on their dicks to masturbate with, many of them need lotion so that their skin won't dry and so that it's easier for their hand to glide/slide. If they don't use lotion, many of them would catch on fire.

[–]clrokr -1 points0 points ago

That was an honest question and thank you for your answer. I totally forgot about circumcision.

[–]Cyralea 1 point2 points ago

It's patently false though. There are no issues with jerking it with no lube, even circumcised.

However, using actual lube feels a lot closer to the sliding sensation of an actual vagina, which feels better (circumcised or not)

[–]Electrifired 0 points1 point ago

There are no issues with jerking it with no lube, even circumcised.

What if there's not enough mobile skin?

[–]Cyralea 0 points1 point ago

The skin around the shaft is mobile enough. Most people don't grasp their glans when masturbating.

[–]E-Step 0 points1 point ago

Not nearly enough hard liquor in either of those photos.

[–]xNATiiVE 0 points1 point ago

Fuck, I that's how I deal with a uneventful evening, too

[–]BK421 0 points1 point ago

Really? No mention of the Dresden Dolls? Amanda Fucking Palmer's line, "The girls are crying, the boys are masturbating." I thought for certain someone would've picked up on that 6 year old line.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

Guys, my girlfriend of three and a half years and I broke up two days ago. It was mutual as we're going to college. But oh my god, I'm a fucking wreck. There hasn't been a second I have not thought about her and how much I miss her. It's killing me guys. I want to get back with he so badlyr. We're on a "break" right now, but god damn it this is horrible. I've lost my sex drive, confidence, appetite (haven't eaten today), and happiness. I need some help or consolation. This is my hell.

[–]eyropiarip 0 points1 point ago

:(

[–]Werezwolf 0 points1 point ago

You're goin to college bud, don't worry about a thing. Its like a whole new world to explore. And honestly the ol saying 'there are plenty of fish in the sea' is so true. The idea that those three and a half years will be the peak/happiest point in your life is a) ridiculous b) A self-fulfilling prophecy if you let it be. Cheer up, because you're going to cheer up sooner or later so might as well be sooner!

Cheers :D

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

The fish in the sea concept is true, but I'm just totally happy with who I've got, you know? I'm just trying to rationalize it man.

[–]ElectroFlasherFilms 0 points1 point ago

Actually, as a guy, that's when I can release the gas.

[–]TrevizefoundGaia 0 points1 point ago

Photo shop?

[–]degoban -1 points0 points ago

I so happy I don't have a mutilated penis.

[–]BBCCam 0 points1 point ago

He he there's 169 comments... Oh wait. Dammit!

[–]englishmuffein 0 points1 point ago

would have been funnier with the just the tissues on both sides imo

[–]SandNinjuh 0 points1 point ago

I alternate with Coco butter, but that shit does not was off. But the warmth from the friction makes it feel real.

[–]danoll 0 points1 point ago

Nah, I'm usually just sad.

[–]Sitdownandshaddap -1 points0 points ago

Well that's because girls don't need lubricant to masturbate.....

[–]redvelveteenrabbit 0 points1 point ago

Dat url.

[–]k6kid 0 points1 point ago

Up vote for shitty photoshop

[–]Zone86 0 points1 point ago

I would say that although the picture is technically correct, what you don't see is that those tissues on the guys side are used for wanking AND crying. Possibly at the same time

[–]5paceman5piff 0 points1 point ago

Are those sad tissues, or happy tissues?

[–]reverend234 0 points1 point ago

That is some bad photshopping on the Jergens bottle....

[–]high1186 0 points1 point ago

I couldn't masturbate after my only bad break-up. I was all pathetic like the guy from 500 Days of Summer. Plus the bitch insisted on talking to me everyday anyway. Whyyyyy? To be 17 again, such sweet agony for absolutely no reason other than my brain's chemistry being fucked up.

[–]guyver_dio 0 points1 point ago

You're forgetting something about guys, we're lazy. Using lube is too much clean up, unless we're in the shower most go dry.

[–]renotime 0 points1 point ago

Foreskin. No lube necessary!

[–]enderman96 1 point2 points ago

Or both...at the same time.

[–]bigolebastard 0 points1 point ago

It's funny, whenever I get in a fight with a girlfriend or break up, I don't give two shits about them after I'm done doing the dirty deed. But once that wears off I sure do want them back. I think that may be all I really care about in relationships.

[–]Miss_Bee -5 points-4 points ago

I'm always the one doing the breaking, so I never give a shit.

[–]WeirdIdeasCO -1 points0 points ago

The reason we don't use tissues is because we are too busy getting laid. Yay rebound sex!

[–]blackhawk4756 -5 points-4 points ago

Not all men masterbate!