this post was submitted on
1,245 points (55% like it)
6,550 up votes 5,305 down votes

funny

subscribe2,408,983 readers

13,785 users here now

PLEASE, No posts with their sole purpose being to communicate with another redditor. Click for an Example.


Welcome to r/Funny:

You may only post if you are funny.

Please No:

  • Screenshots of reddit comment threads. Post a link with context to /r/bestof or /r/defaultgems if from a default subreddit instead.

  • Posts for the specific point of it being your reddit birthday.

  • Politics - This includes the 2012 Presidential candidates or bills in congress.

  • Rage comics - Go to /fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu instead.

  • Memes - Go to /r/AdviceAnimals or /r/Memes instead.

  • Demotivational posters - Go to /r/Demotivational instead.

  • Pictures of just text - Make a self post instead.

  • DAE posts - Go to /r/doesanybodyelse

  • eCards - the poll result was 55.02% in favor of removal. Please submit eCards to /r/ecards

  • URL shorteners - No link shorteners (or HugeURL) in either post links or comments. They will be deleted regardless of intent.

Rehosted webcomics will be removed. Please submit a link to the original comic's site and preferably an imgur link in the comments. Do not post a link to the comic image, it must be linked to the page of the comic. (*) (*)

Need more? Check out:

Still need more? See Reddit's best / worst and offensive joke collections (warning: some of those jokes are offensive / nsfw!).


Please DO NOT post personal information. This includes anything hosted on Facebook's servers, as they can be traced to the original account holder.


If your submission appears to be banned, please don't just delete it as that makes the filter hate you! Instead please send us a message with a link to the post. We'll unban it and it should get better. Please allow 10 minutes for the post to appear before messaging moderators


The moderators of /r/funny reserve the right to moderate posts and comments at their discretion, with regard to their perception of the suitability of said posts and comments for this subreddit. Thank you for your understanding.


CSS - BritishEnglishPolice ©2011

a community for

reddit is a source for what's new and popular online. vote on links that you like or dislike and help decide what's popular, or submit your own! learn more ›

all 187 comments

[–]JamesFarthington 441 points442 points ago

In your mind, before deleting the text without responding.

[–]lufet 29 points30 points ago

i've said so many clever, hard-hitting things in texts to my ex...before deleting them and putting my cell away...likeaboss

[–]deathbat1 10 points11 points ago

Made the mistake of actually sending a couple back to one of them just to see what would happen. You are a smart man.

[–]lufet 2 points3 points ago

any interesting responses?

[–]xaronax 24 points25 points ago

Considering women remember fucking everything you ever did wrong and are masters of manipulating your feelings for personal gain...

Nah, probably not.

[–]lemonadegame 11 points12 points ago

Logic is no defense against the power they wield. Its fucking mental! I've had a logical argument in my head, all prepped ready for a particular scenario...and bam...15 minutes later and s-s-s-sorry

[–]etherreal 14 points15 points ago

The only defense is not giving a fuck.

[–]Jtcor 1 point2 points ago

I second this, if they know they can't gain anything from you they will back off or fall flat on their face in the process

[–]deathbat1 0 points1 point ago

Not really, unless you consider "fuck you, asshole" an interesting response.

[–]Symbiotx 0 points1 point ago

Oh I've actually sent plenty. Doesn't matter what you say though when she's never wrong...

[–]AireX[S] 205 points206 points ago

You know others by knowing yourself... (but yea, true)

[–]beeztrain 56 points57 points ago

good man for owning up. I would do the same thing.

[–]Raumschiff 16 points17 points ago

Own up, or create fake image and post on Reddit?

[–]Epicurite 5 points6 points ago

Own up, or Karma?

[–]cokidco 11 points12 points ago

Is that a real question?

[–]wishyouwerebeer 6 points7 points ago

what are horse shoes? are there horse socks?

[–]cokidco 0 points1 point ago

42

[–]FuckinGandalfManWoah 1 point2 points ago

What's the question?

[–]umopapsidn 3 points4 points ago

How many men must drive down a road before it becomes a highway?

Something like that.

[–]4_word_replies_only 0 points1 point ago

That is the question.

[–]gak001 3 points4 points ago

Or both - Airex is a smart individual.

[–]AireX[S] 3 points4 points ago

upvote to eternity and beyond!

[–]aRagingAlcoholic 4 points5 points ago

Finally, I came to the right place. There's not one set of balls here.

[–]eggylisk 1 point2 points ago

actually, where you want your ex to be at is at the end of the blast radius, that way she'll suffer from radiation and all that good stuff. last place you want her at is at ground zero, she'll die instantaneously.

Got it from my highschool us history teacher. We were going over wwII and when got to the part where the atom bomb was dropped, she drew ground zero and said this is where you want to be.

[–]GraharG -1 points0 points ago

also the value of this quote can not be under-rated.

EDIT: wait i think i double negatived myself. I mean its a good quote.

[–]kolm -1 points0 points ago

He simply assumed you're not a stupid asshole.

[–]dclowd9901 -1 points0 points ago

Good guess! Okay, tell me what I'm thinking now!

[–]ussbaney 19 points20 points ago

Because fuck being civil!

[–]PartTimeBadman 56 points57 points ago

Real reply: "Lol really? Yeah I miss u 2 sometimes. Maybe I can come ova later 2nyt?"

"Sry wrong number"

"That bitch is gonna get reddit'd... they'll love this."

[–]MadDannyBear 45 points46 points ago

That mushroom cloud looks like a laughing clown.

[–]qft 15 points16 points ago

[–]finalcut 2 points3 points ago

without this colorful version I can not see the laughing clown.

Maybe the text covering the top half is what screws me up.

[–]Jorgemeister 1 point2 points ago

must be the text, you can clearly see it here http://i.imgur.com/3I0OY.jpg

[–]finalcut 1 point2 points ago

Yes, yes I can. Thanks

[–]_Wolfos 0 points1 point ago

I had that and a colorized version in my huge wallpaper collection some time ago. I knew it was CGI and meant to look like that, but I had no idea it was a Twisted Metal advertisement.

[–]lonely_insomniac -1 points0 points ago

woh shit, did you do this?

[–]qft 0 points1 point ago

Nah. I've had it stored as one of my desktop backgrounds for awhile and recognized the source photo.

[–]FR05TY14 35 points36 points ago

It is. It was a sort of pre-advertisement hinting at the release of the newest edition of Twisted Metal for PS3. The face was supposed to be Sweet Tooth.

[–]AireX[S] 5 points6 points ago

the more you know, actually didn't have a clue about that

[–]FR05TY14 7 points8 points ago

Yeah I'm sort of a Twisted Metal nut.

[–]beachjustice 2 points3 points ago

fuck yea. i played TM4 way too much when i was younger. then, my cousin and i played TM Black a ton. i still have TM Black and play it every once and awhile but i wish i had someone to play it with. is the one for PS3 out yet? that pic is pretty old, i think, so i imagine it's already out. otherwise, i'm kind of excited to see it

[–]NullSleepN64 2 points3 points ago

If you enjoyed 4 you'd love 1+2. Most TM fans consider 3+4 terrible because they were made by a seperate team 989 studios and they just didn't have the feel for it like singletrac did. (singletrac did 1+2 then basically became Incog inc and made TM:Black and then Eat, Sleep, Play which made TMPS3.

I'm also a TM nut so yes, TMps3 is out and it's a good game! it still feels like TM.

[–]beachjustice 1 point2 points ago

Hmm, I really wish I had the money to pick it up. I looked up some gameplay videos and it looks great. The multiplayer looks like it could be awesome.

[–]FR05TY14 0 points1 point ago

I have to disagree with you there. The game itself is fantastic but the stories are just not as strong or as dark as they were in black or TM2. It was a big letdown in my opinion.

[–]kr3w_fam 1 point2 points ago

It came out on PS3 on february 14 2012.

[–]haleted 1 point2 points ago

It was what my boyfriend spent his valentine's day (for me) money on.

:(

[–]kr3w_fam 1 point2 points ago

haha, that's pure evil :D

[–]FR05TY14 1 point2 points ago

Yeah it was released a couple of months ago but the stories are very poorly written. Nothing compared to Black.

[–]MrHatebreed 10 points11 points ago

[–]AireX[S] 5 points6 points ago

done research, found proof, no bad, have an upvote

[–]GarMc 0 points1 point ago

I find it mind boggling how many people say this, and think they're seeing something nobody else can see.

It's supposed to. It's an advertisement for Twisted Metal.

[–]DrKevorkianJr 3 points4 points ago

I didn't notice it either until I read his comment. I haven't seen the advertisement. It's perfectly reasonable to be confused by a clown hidden amongst your nuclear fallout if you aren't even aware of what Twisted Metal is.

[–]ampdgrouch -2 points-1 points ago

Brocoli

[–]Azr79 69 points70 points ago

ex hating circle jerk, cool, can I join in too?

[–]joeknowswhoiam 29 points30 points ago

Hmm the pre-requirement is having had at least one living human girlfirend or boyfirend. Do you qualify?

[–]TheCynicalMe 37 points38 points ago

Does... does she have to be human?

[–]LonelyMathGuy 27 points28 points ago

Poor Colby... :(

[–]Relish11 8 points9 points ago

I thought I had pushed that to the back of my mind and here you are pulling it right back.

[–]broden 12 points13 points ago

Pushing it into a hole that it doesn't fit.

[–]ddr330 4 points5 points ago

I hate you.

[–]Herpes_hurricane 0 points1 point ago

If only I had something to stuff it with...

[–]libertariantexan 0 points1 point ago

I don't think we want a herpes hurricane involved here.

[–]Rokkjester 0 points1 point ago

That story. That fucking story.. :(

[–]ginyuforce 1 point2 points ago

I wish I had a girlfriend, so that I can hate her too... I wish..

[–]lemonadegame 0 points1 point ago

Can we (I) pretend I qualify for joining teh circle of jerk?

[–]Azr79 0 points1 point ago

I.. yes .. yes I do, where do I sign?

[–]Devinm84 12 points13 points ago

She hurt my feelings! That cunt!

[–]FrogDie 5 points6 points ago

DAE hate her?

Edit: upboats? Really?

[–]rh3ss 1 point2 points ago

My ex was the nicest warmest human being and I wish nothing but happiness for her.

Can we perhaps bash non-atheists or Republicans, cause otherwise I cannot post?

[–]risto1116 0 points1 point ago

Everybody IN!

[–]Draiko 0 points1 point ago

Reddit is designed to promote circle jerks... it's based on popularity. The more popular something is, the more attention it gets, and the more people comment on it.

What the hell do you expect?

That's like going to a catholic church and yelling out "God-loving circle jerk, cool, can I join in too?"

[–]sambadam 27 points28 points ago

[–]Jorgemeister 1 point2 points ago

shovel face, is that you?

[–]sambadam 0 points1 point ago

I don't understand the question and I refuse to answer it.

[–]_no_name 12 points13 points ago

lol guise im so funny amirite

[–]Ceejae 20 points21 points ago

My judgement without any context: You're a bit of an asshole then, frankly. Seems like she was being nice. I don't understand why everyone here seems to think it is just compulsory for you to hate your ex after you break up. I'm still friends with all of my ex girlfriends.

[–]necessarious 3 points4 points ago

Well...that would be probably because you have had somewhat mutual breakups... sry bub those breakups dont often happen for most of us...

[–]gypsiequeen 12 points13 points ago

and it's ALWAYS 'the ex's fault' of course

at least on reddit.

[–]Ceejae 4 points5 points ago

You've kind of missed my point. I know that plenty of relationships end quite terribly. I'm saying that by the girlfriend's message, this appears to be a relationship that did not end that way. But he insists on hating his ex because that is just how things are done.

As I said, I don't know the context, so I'm not so much having a go at OP as I am the people here that also don't know the context but are effectively saying "Yeah! Fuck that bitch!".

[–]bonedead 0 points1 point ago

I think everyone is relating it to their own experiences.

[–]Eternity42Immensity -3 points-2 points ago

Sociopaths don't work under your "logic". No sir, you can take this logic of yours and go to hell.

[–]TmlzMiso 8 points9 points ago

Way to be a dick about it.

[–]capt_0bvious 73 points74 points ago

you are a dick

[–]BrockFSamson 12 points13 points ago

this did not happen

[–]she_is_sleeping 8 points9 points ago

First comment in this video: "you see maynard is basically a woman in this song, he wants to get married but he cant because his pet hamster is gay, and the ducks won't allow that sort of thing. but if you can just see that if you dosed phil collins with 10,000g of LSD, maybe mcdonald's dipping sauce would warm up to the idea." Pure win.

[–]JamesFarthington 4 points5 points ago

wtf?

[–]she_is_sleeping 0 points1 point ago

My reaction also.

[–]JamesFarthington 1 point2 points ago

You realize you posted this on something that doesn't have a video?

[–]MationMac 0 points1 point ago

I've heard of this happening to phone users...

[–]she_is_sleeping 0 points1 point ago

Im sorry...I was high, at that moment it was relevant...

[–]vervii 2 points3 points ago

My reply is usually oh cool, I'm hanging out with some other friends right now though. Thanks for the invite. And then we'll talk about it a bit a few days after and how it sucked I missed out, and we go on with our lives because we're normal people that can remain civil after a breakup.

[–]Toronto_Phil 2 points3 points ago

So... So you think you can tell?

Heaven from Hell?

[–]Average_Toaster 2 points3 points ago

Blue skies from pain? Can you tell a green field From a cold steel rail?

[–]d0peamine 3 points4 points ago

No way you had the balls.

[–]stevetehpirate 3 points4 points ago

I would never, not on my worst enemies, not on my exes, wish that they would die ...that fast.

[–]AireX[S] 0 points1 point ago

u deserve double up for cakeday comment!

[–]Judge_Hate 3 points4 points ago

You so crazy , wishing someone in the midst of neuclear detonation. Oh you lol

[–]Num1bamf 3 points4 points ago

Get laid, or... send a stupid pointless text.

[–]deruben 4 points5 points ago

You know that you have lost, when have to crawl back to your ex for sex.

When you have to do that, then you don't really deserve to have sex.

[–]AireX[S] 3 points4 points ago

honestly she probably wanted to bust me begging, so a good offence is the best defense i thought

[–]oopsbedtimeagain-o_o 0 points1 point ago

If that was the case I think

If you really want to you can come over to mine then, but you'll have to leave afterwards

would have been the optimal response.

If she was just trying to get at you, your response seems a bit "I mad", whereas with my response it is "I do not give a fuck about you, I'll have sex with you because I like sex, not because I have any feelings whatsoever for you."

That way if she really is desperate for sex then free sex without any additional bullshit, and the dynamic between you changes in a way that is beneficial to you, otherwise she stops talking to you. Pretty much win-win if you don't care about being a nice person.

Of course this is assuming that either A) you're an asshole, which your OP implies, or B) she's a manipulative bitch.

[–]SrslyTaken 0 points1 point ago

didn't say anything about "crawling" back? i said "feelings" are useless, how does that translate in your mind to "crawling back"? if she want the dick, give her the deep dick'n. if she offers snatch, you take the snatch. if you're getting pussy, it's always a win.

[–]StevenColonDee 1 point2 points ago

"Sex without feelings is just complicated masturbation" - Ze Frank

[–]finnsabenny 3 points4 points ago

Bit rude.

[–]cookiepie 0 points1 point ago

what if... what if she got into a vault?

[–]AireX[S] 0 points1 point ago

no worries, that's where i store the backup bomb (just in case)

[–]cookiepie 0 points1 point ago

whew

[–]temptingtime 0 points1 point ago

Aww, what a cute tree!

[–]TyrionLannister2012 0 points1 point ago

Liar.

[–]uekar 0 points1 point ago

Did they get you to trade... ?

[–]Average_Toaster 1 point2 points ago

Your heroes for ghosts?

[–]iktr -1 points0 points ago

mmhhmmm.... i KNOW that's right!

[–]conley46 0 points1 point ago

ohh..you must love that person that much :D

[–]qybrones 1 point2 points ago

Well that escalated quickly...

[–]ScramDammity -1 points0 points ago

Excellent form, chap.

[–]fco83 0 points1 point ago

So, after you deleted this text back, how was the sex?

[–]dpenton 1 point2 points ago

You realize that if she dies in a nuclear explosion, the Feds are knocking on your door.

[–]ekarshi -1 points0 points ago

this isn't yours. i saw this shit yesterday on facebook

[–]Some_Random_Account2 -1 points0 points ago

My ex sent me a text saying 'Back to December - Taylor Swift'

I sent one back saying 'Sometime Around Midnight - The Airborne Toxic Event'

Fuck yeah.

[–]latableronde -1 points0 points ago

so brave

[–]SupCom_sistar 0 points1 point ago

Saved in case of emergency.

[–]cer4thewin -1 points0 points ago

even though you didn't send it, it's still pretty funny.

[–]brockisawesome 0 points1 point ago

it's better to just change your number, trust me

[–]nbkwoix 1 point2 points ago

I like how some people are being judgmental about this post like they have any idea about you or your relationship.

[–]AireX[S] 0 points1 point ago

welcome to the internet

[–]nbkwoix 1 point2 points ago

Oh I'm sorry you are being nice, I have to verbally assault you now.

[–]communistjack 0 points1 point ago

i sent almost the exact same pic to a friend in middle school, and almost got suspended because its considered a death threat.(they asked my friend about the picture and everyone agreed it was just a joke)

[–]Adultery 0 points1 point ago

you're heroes for ghosts...

[–]ent_higherly_awesome 1 point2 points ago

why not squeeze the last drops of sex you can before dropping the bomb?

[–]itsDUMPING 0 points1 point ago

So, so you think you can tell?

[–]BosnMate 0 points1 point ago

At first I thought it was a tree, and didn't get it....

[–]mercilessdownvoter 0 points1 point ago

the cloud is a clown :3

[–]ObliviousIrrelevance 0 points1 point ago

Actually that is quite kind of you. In the event of a nuclear explosion, the very epicenter would induce the least amount of torture.

[–]the_television -1 points0 points ago

I doubt it

[–]tgt305 1 point2 points ago

I'd respond with "why cunt you leave me alone?"

[–]libertariantexan 0 points1 point ago

clever

[–]marbarkar 0 points1 point ago

Am I the only one who thinks harboring ridiculous amounts of resentment towards someone you supposedly had strong feelings about before is childish and small minded? And I've been in some terrible relationships, so don't give me none of that shit about how I don't know what it's like.

[–]JRParadox 0 points1 point ago

She's a Pink Floyd fan, why are you not still with her?

[–]Kicken 0 points1 point ago

This confuses me so greatly. My ex cheated on me which lead to us breaking up, but she still sends me texts like that. "I miss you." and such. Drives me nuts. If you fucking miss me, why'd you go cheating and then decide to continue your "relationship" with the person you were cheating with after we broke up?

I fully expect one day she will attempt to come back to me. She's already told me that he doesn't trust her (He knew she was cheating). I warned her when we broke up that a relationship with him probably wouldn't work because of the poor foundation.

Wimmin. ;__;

[–]MACE01 0 points1 point ago

Save image, send to ex......Hilarity and vindication achieved. Thank you sir!

[–]QuietButAgressiveGuy 0 points1 point ago

Does no one realize this is a clown??

[–]justanotherEnt420 0 points1 point ago

I did...

[–]QuietButAgressiveGuy 1 point2 points ago

[–]justanotherEnt420 1 point2 points ago

You know you can embed a link

It helps with the presentation.

[–]AireX[S] 1 point2 points ago

double uptoke for name ;)

[–]escrow76 0 points1 point ago

lol guise im so funny amirite.

[–]The_Dorklord 0 points1 point ago

Oh, OP.. But then your ex wouldnt get to enjoy the flesh melting off. move that arrow about a mile in one direction laterally.

[–]james39 1 point2 points ago

I know you didn't really send that, but I don't get all this shit I see about people taking jabs at their exes whenever possible. Why start shit or hurt peoples feelings? I'm still friends with half of my exes, and the other half I simply no longer have any contact with. I've never seen the benefit of starting a war with them after a breakup.

[–]Thydamine 0 points1 point ago

Did you exchange a walk-on part in the war for a lead role in the cage?

[–]dominique484 0 points1 point ago

Well...that would be probably because you have had somewhat mutual breakups... sry bub those breakups dont often happen for most of us.

[–]metagerm 0 points1 point ago

The bitch deserves it. She's got her heart broken and then had the nerve to admit lightheartedly that she still missed our brave and noble OP. Bet he felt manly as fuck while pretending to hit that "send" button.

[–]ligaard 0 points1 point ago

The arrow should point at the top, as it would be the warmest spot inside the cloud, do to the laws of physics. Just an advice. Sorry I am leaving now.

[–]ismygfshallow 0 points1 point ago

Why don't you take the opening to start a nice conversation, then invite her over and nail her?

[–]PainGod 0 points1 point ago

Jesus, guys.... Women aren't that fucking complicated. Guess what? Logic does work. Unyielding, ironclad, no bones or bullshit pure 100% logic is a woman's worst nightmare in an argument. Sure they remember all the shit you did wrong. So what? They're not perfect either. They want to bring up shit from 5 years ago? Let 'em! What difference does it make? Have the balls to take them to task, and stick to your guns. Just remember: Logic, Tact, Circumlocution, Confusion, Stalemate. Don't play to win.. That's what they're doing and that's what they expect you to do... Play to force a stalemate, and you can't really lose. When all else fails ask yourselves..." How would Spock handle this argument?" Difficulty level: No Vulcan nerve pinch.

[–]moogoesthecat -4 points-3 points ago

I'm all for a good laugh but...why do people feel a need to post this mess? Or think that anyone cares?

Is it to feel confirmed or something?

edit: I'm not actually trying to be a dick here. Can someone give me an honest answer?

[–]melefante -3 points-2 points ago

If you hate your ex so much, why did you date her?

[–]Nebulaoblivion 1 point2 points ago

[–]MrFalconGarcia 0 points1 point ago

So i guess I'm the only one still on good terms with their ex then?

[–]Derplar -5 points-4 points ago

Oh I know this feel bro.

[–]KMFCM -1 points0 points ago

well played

[–]UR_Face -3 points-2 points ago

I FEEL THE SAME WAY ABOUT ONE OF MY EXs.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Nebulaoblivion 0 points1 point ago

Dude.. Just go run for as long as you can and get over that.

[–]AireX[S] 0 points1 point ago

sound familiar

[–]Nebulaoblivion 0 points1 point ago

Hadn't seen that movie before, but yeah that's pretty much the solution to any emotional problem.

Of course, now I've developed a rather nasty case of Achilles Tendonitis, so take that as you will.