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top 200 commentsshow all 483

[–]NotaMethAddict 516 points517 points ago

"The Apostles were in one Accord" - Acts 5:12

[–]karmakiller69 412 points413 points ago

There were 12 of them... Were they Mexicans or clowns?

[–]poopmaster747 118 points119 points ago

Juan Accord.

[–]zizap 21 points22 points ago

This pun shall not go unnoticed. Have an upvote. Even if it's only Juan. De nada.

[–]JuanTooTree 5 points6 points ago

Hi.

[–]ApplesFromKira 270 points271 points ago

yes.

[–]TheAtomicPlayboy 511 points512 points ago

[–]okmkz 109 points110 points ago

You have a good sense of humor.

[–]slothboy_x2 76 points77 points ago

Most straightforward comment ever

[–]TheAnginaMonologues 8 points9 points ago

Only in the context of that thingy with the thing all like that.

[–]timpiste 12 points13 points ago

mhmm.

[–]TheDroopy 9 points10 points ago

[–]kikidiwasabi 0 points1 point ago

Why is that .gif?

[–]omgsus 11 points12 points ago

it's a 2-3 color pallet gif (maybe a little more). low pallet gifs for simple graphics can be more "efficient" than a jpeg at the same resolutions all while maintaining per-pixel clarity. (beware aliasing though)

[–]tiltldr 4 points5 points ago

Transparency and shit.

[–]skakruk 18 points19 points ago

[–]wiener4hir3 7 points8 points ago

How you must have waited for that to be relevant.

[–]caindaddy 11 points12 points ago

Google "Mexican Clown"

[–]okmkz 24 points25 points ago

"Google Mexican" Clown

[–]rkitek 6 points7 points ago

Google "Mexican", Clown.

[–]IndubENTably 0 points1 point ago

Google "Mexican" Clown

[–]RudegarWithFunnyHat 11 points12 points ago

[–]TheDroopy 7 points8 points ago

"What's another good Mexican stereotype? Oh yeah, they're all wrestlers"

-Creator of that picture

[–]Joe_Moneybags_McHuge 5 points6 points ago

Well, only 11 by the time Acts rolled around. Saint Peter in the driver, Saint Matthew and Saint Thomas in the passenger, Saint John in the middle of the two (can't reach the handbreak but you shouldn't need it unless you're driving stick), all the token apostles in the back, Judas' body in the boot.

[–]irresolute_essayist 5 points6 points ago

In Acts 1:26 they choose Matthias to replace Judas. So there's still 12 in that Accord.

[–]raptora 8 points9 points ago

People were shorter back then.

[–]Well_With_My_Soul 11 points12 points ago

Technically a form of Asian, I think...

[–]okmkz 18 points19 points ago

FORM OF

ASIAN!

[–]eosh 3 points4 points ago

Form of: ICE ASIAN!

Edit: Derp, colon not comma :(

[–]Vidyogamasta 4 points5 points ago

,(

[–]Bhoot 8 points9 points ago

Well, they were Jewish...must've been the ashtray.

[–]DeadToRights 22 points23 points ago

One might say that this was a Prelude to further teachings.

[–]wakeandbac0n 15 points16 points ago

Excellent Insight, my friend

[–]Tooferwon 11 points12 points ago

What did Pontious Pilot have to say about it all?

[–]DarkSideMoon 11 points12 points ago

He said he wished it could be another way, but he had to perform his civic duty.

[–]bw1870 14 points15 points ago

Pontius was out of his element.

[–]barath_s 4 points5 points ago

Legend has it that Pontius wanted to embark on an epic odyssey to another city, but he wasn't fit and he lost his passport. Such is life; had he freed Jesus instead of Barabbas, he would have inspired many.

[–]IAMA_Ghost_Boo 332 points333 points ago

Now while I'm driving in my Honda I can scream "Jesus take the wheel!" and he'll be there.

He'll be there.

[–]CaNANDian 231 points232 points ago

RIP

[–]WhatWouldJesusSay 56 points57 points ago

Friends don't let friends drive crazy.

[–]poeticmatter 26 points27 points ago

Friends don't let crazy friends drive.

[–]THE_GOLDEN_TICKET 43 points44 points ago

Crazy people don't have friends, they have targets.

[–]Galaxity 12 points13 points ago

crazy friends see jesus christ superstar

[–]hellomyreddits 20 points21 points ago

crazy superstars think they're jesus christ.

[–]ILaughHard 6 points7 points ago

Crazy Jesus christ thinks he's a superstar.

[–]Yoyo8 9 points10 points ago

You see, it's that type of shit that made you a ghost in the first place.

[–]Drunken_Economist 161 points162 points ago

Jesus Saves . . .

the environment by driving a compact.

[–]NotaMethAddict 193 points194 points ago

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over.

He asks Satan to show what he has come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing. I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then," says God, "let us see if Jesus fared any better."

Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers. Satan is astonished.

He stutters, "B-b-but how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact. How did he do it?"

God smiled all-knowingly, "Jesus saves."

[–]mumuzov 24 points25 points ago

"Jesus saves." But only Buddha makes incremental backups !!!!

[–]Drunken_Economist 72 points73 points ago

Jesus and Satan are arguing about who is a better lay. The argument, however, is difficult to settle since Jesus is celibate.

After several millennia of graphic discussion, Jesus proposes a settlement.

"We'll get your wife up here. She can decide who is the better lover, but I still will not sleep with her." Satan, knowing he pleases his wife, eagerly agrees to the terms and snaps his finger.

Satan's wife appears before the two deities in a puff of red and black smoke. She listens to both sides of the argument and carefully considers them. After a brief pause, she asks both demigods to drop their pants.

Before the belt buckles even hit the floor, she declares Jesus the winner of the argument. Satan, outraged, demands an explanation of his wife. Matter-of-factly, she states,

"Jesus shaves."

[–]Dildo_Ball_Baggins 69 points70 points ago

Satan's wife is Sean Connery.

[–]bsonk 12 points13 points ago

Saddam is pissed!

[–]JamesSmits 11 points12 points ago

Jeshush shaves.

[–]Atario 26 points27 points ago

Satan's wife. This is a concept I have heretofore not considered.

Now that I have, for some reason, I'm picturing a super hot chick with fire-engine-red skin.

[–]Birdie_Num_Num 10 points11 points ago

Joan of Arc?

[–]mavvv 10 points11 points ago

Callie?

[–]bytemovies 11 points12 points ago

Way back in the day, Jesus and Satan used to argue over who could acquire the most of a certain commodity. Satan always bragged that because he could trick people into handing over their goods, he had an advantage over Jesus. Jesus never won due to this.

Eventually though it was Jesus that proposed a competition. Whoever could accumulate the most cotton won. Satan, used to winning, agreed quickly and set out to find someone he could swindle cotton from.

But at the end of the competition Satan was shocked to see Jesus had in fact won. Astounded, he begged Jesus to tell him how he had done it. Jesus smiled knowingly and said:

"Jesus' slaves."

[–]DashAttack 16 points17 points ago

Whoever could accumulate the most cotton won.

I've heard enough racist jokes to know where this is going...

Edit: yup.

[–]SirDelirium 9 points10 points ago

I like that you read half the joke, stopped, typed your response, didn't submit, but rather finished the joke before coming back and reaffirming yourself with the fake edit. Good job.

[–]Dazing 11 points12 points ago

It could have been a ninja edit for all we know.

[–]douglasmacarthur 48 points49 points ago

Be careful with that joke. It's an antique.

[–]me_groovy 2 points3 points ago

sorry, I can only give you $100 for it, tops </pawn stars>

[–]patefoisgras 3 points4 points ago

That was a fucking long set up. Maybe I lack exposure to the whole slogan, but I had literally no idea until the punchline was spelled out for me.

[–]RavixTheDreamer 3 points4 points ago

Actually Jesus rode an ass. Yo mama's ass.

BLACK JESUS!

[–]JasonGD1982 37 points38 points ago

Jesus looks to be the size of a Hobbit.

[–]sacula 20 points21 points ago

It has been proven that people were much smaller back then.

[–]ApplesFromKira 12 points13 points ago

and they didnt cast shadows.

[–]theyellowgoat 7 points8 points ago

[–]zendak 7 points8 points ago

…and continues to baffle with his very European appearance despite being Middle Eastern.

[–]Rhesonance 3 points4 points ago

An accord is 58", assuming his head is 7", that makes Jesus about 5'4".

[–]averagecomment 3 points4 points ago

He also has to hold himself up due to lack of a foot.

[–]TheAtomicPlayboy 113 points114 points ago

WWJD?

[–]therocketflyer 115 points116 points ago

What would Jesus drive?

[–]TheTalkingCamelAnus 75 points76 points ago

A Christ-ler.

[–]HoHoNOPE 31 points32 points ago

[–]TriumphantTumbleweed 46 points47 points ago

[–]NotaMethAddict 89 points90 points ago

[–]thatissomeBS 11 points12 points ago

NWA, meet PWA (Prophet With Attitude). PWA, from south central Isreal.

[–]zendak 5 points6 points ago

Prophet

Always nice to see Muslim redditors.

[–]ChickenShoes 3 points4 points ago

But that wasn't a risky click.

[–]uriman 5 points6 points ago

The new redesigned 2013 Honda Accord coming whenever Honda feels like it.

[–]PenisBakeMeAPancake 21 points22 points ago

And he's playin' workout tapes by Fonda

[–]vulgarwanderer 11 points12 points ago

But fonda ain't got a motor in the back of her honda

[–]9ninety_nine9 7 points8 points ago

My anaconda don't want none..

[–]DZalvi85 5 points6 points ago

Unless you got buns, hun

[–]PhiladelphiaIrish 17 points18 points ago

God is quite the Honda salesman.

“Behold, the words of the prophets with one accord are favorable to the king..."

"Because they have forsaken my law that I set before them, and have not obeyed my voice or walked in accord..."

"And the crowds with one accord paid attention to what was being said by Philip when they heard him and saw the signs that he did..."

"Complete my joy by being jof the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord..."

"Now we command you, brothers, sin the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you keep away from any brother who is walking in idleness and not in accord..."

[–]AShavedApe 36 points37 points ago

With their gas mileage he's a dick for not getting Moses one.

[–]bovisrex 61 points62 points ago

Naw, Moses drove a pick-up. He clearly told the Israelites not to come up the mountain until they heard the blast of the Ram's horn.

[–]NotaMethAddict 12 points13 points ago

Nice try, Honda.

[–]analweapon 16 points17 points ago

I believe the preferred biblical verbiage is "cunt".

[–]sacula 7 points8 points ago

Whore monger

[–]analweapon 3 points4 points ago

Whore manger?

[–]Aeroxin 3 points4 points ago

Whore manager?

[–]sacula 5 points6 points ago

Is Jesus going to have to smack a hoe?

[–]McHensley 11 points12 points ago

Jesus was JDM before it was cool

[–]Motherfuckeredeemer 16 points17 points ago

Jerusalem Domestic Market?

[–]Ntcharlie 50 points51 points ago

I barely ever laugh audibly while going on reddit, but I'm a sucker for a good pun.

[–]pffr 37 points38 points ago

This one used to always get me, perhaps it is the bemused expression on his face.

[–]SingleGirl_illa 24 points25 points ago

Wait, how is this a pun?

[–]Vidyogamasta 16 points17 points ago

There's a scripture somewhere that's like "I stand at the door and knock," talking about how Jesus is God's active approach at saving the world. He's trying to find you, not the other way around. Something along those lines.

Pretty sure the passage is also referring to a figurative "Door of your heart" type deal, as well.

Combine that passage with a knock-knock joke and you get this.

[–]thepredestrian 3 points4 points ago

Ladies and genteelmen, we have an eschatologist over here

[–]shrugalicious 3 points4 points ago

"Jesus WHO?" "JESUS CHRIST, JUST LET ME IN; I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THESE GODDAMN GAMES!"

[–]Sdbarbs 20 points21 points ago

two fish swin in to a cement wall. One looks at the other and goes "damn"

[–]thatissomeBS 10 points11 points ago

Two guys walk into a bar; the third guy ducks.

[–]PenisBlood 30 points31 points ago

Did my grandpa just find reddit?

[–]i_cry_evrytim_ 22 points23 points ago

FWD:FWD:FWD:FWD:

[–]eidetic 7 points8 points ago

Alternatively, one I was a fan of as a kid:

Two guys walk into a bar. You would have thought the second one would have ducked.

[–]JamesSmits 2 points3 points ago

A priest, a pedophile, and a rapist walk into a bar.. and that was just the first guy.

[–]josefchung 4 points5 points ago

Jesus had lots of Insights as well. A Honda fan for sure.

[–]pffr 10 points11 points ago

This is glorious. Friday is off to a good start.

[–]PenisBlood 10 points11 points ago

A good Friday indeed.

[–]LeChiffre[!] 18 points19 points ago

Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the mileage

[–]Takasheen 7 points8 points ago

But by speaking about not speaking about his accord, isn't he technically speaking of his accord?

[–]pffr 6 points7 points ago

Well if you said "I will not discuss the frozen shit knife I crafted to escape that tiger cage deep in the mountains" I think it's pretty much an off limits topic and a clear boundary you have just set, just like Jesus and his car.

[–]fractalfarmer 5 points6 points ago

Nah he rode a motorbike

His Triumph was heard throughout the skies

[–]StupidlyClever 5 points6 points ago

That was Moses and Joshua. "the roar of Moses' Triumph is heard in the hills." "Joshua's Triumph was heard throughout the land."

They were in a bikers gang

[–]grumpypotato 7 points8 points ago

And His dad drove a Plymouth: "...and He drove them out in His Fury."

[–]nebu7777 2 points3 points ago

My dad has been saying this for 30 years.

[–]mikeyman159 7 points8 points ago

People always ask, "What would Jesus drive?" Well, Jesus was Middle-Eastern, didn't speak English, and had no education. Probably a taxi-cab. - Bobby Slayton

[–]Vincenti 21 points22 points ago

Jesus drove a repost.

[–]Mmeegguussttaaaa 3 points4 points ago

This is classic.

[–]smellslikecomcast 2 points3 points ago

The problem with scripture worship is that the new testament is a translation from Greek. Jesus didn't do shit with the French / English cognate word "accord" which means agreement.

Old testament = Latin New testament = Greek

Or do I have it backwards? Anyway all of the English "thou" and "thee" and everything else linguistic is second hand information from the original.

[–]st_basterd 4 points5 points ago

I'm having a difficult time believing this. I just don't see the king of the jews splurging on an overpriced Honda. He'd drive a Hyundai.

[–]CrazyCasbahJive 3 points4 points ago

Hey man, fuck you. Hyundai is out doing Honda right now and just came out with a $50,000 car. Also, Jesus would buy either of these cars, not because he was Jewish, but because he was Asian.

[–]TheMuffnMan 2 points3 points ago

While I know you're joking around, I don't find Honda's current line up overpriced when compared to the competition. A brand new V6 Accord EX-L is ~$30k MSRP and most can be purchased at invoice (or close to it.)

Now if we're talking about their 'sporty' cars, then absolutely they are sucking it up and don't compare to Hyundai's current lineup. The Veloster and Genesis Coupe are far better choices than the CRZ and Civic SI with the K24 in it. And nixing the S2000 left a void that the Toyaburu FRS/BRZ is filling up nicely.

[–]redbeardedone 6 points7 points ago

Wrong. Jesus es El Camino.

[–]SpikeWesker 2 points3 points ago

So Jesus drove a Honda playing workout tapes by Fonda. But Jesus ain't got a motor in the back of his Honda. My Anaconda don't - want - non - until - you - got - buns - hon.

[–]sol1869 2 points3 points ago

Yea verily!

[–]SaysLovelyThings 2 points3 points ago

Jesus has really nice hair.

[–]ATougas -1 points0 points ago

I always thought I came back to Jerusalem in a Triumph. My bad.

[–]ozzimark 2 points3 points ago

TIL: Jesus was really short.

[–]Jabuuty671 2 points3 points ago

Ahh, whilst Homer was driving the Odyssey.

[–]jacobholmes 0 points1 point ago

Hailcorporate

[–]lancypancy 0 points1 point ago

Oh god did I laugh.

[–]Fearlessleader85 0 points1 point ago

This was a shit-eating grin inducing post. Upvoted, good sir or madam.

[–]Sherm 0 points1 point ago

For blessed is the auto which gets 27 MPG combined (34 highway).

[–]ROFLTRON 0 points1 point ago

...awaiting religious shit-storm.

[–]sebastiancounts -1 points0 points ago

from the looks of this image, i bet he had Napoleons syndrome too

[–]fishareppltoo -1 points0 points ago

And his people said, " yeh, nigga, yeah, nigga please." He proclaimed that the holiest will have the best music. "Listen to this deadly beat breh, this will rip yo ears off brethor; you will die for 3000 years after this one my south american friend. After which you will have all yo bitches fo free, fo eva"

[–]brandpanz -1 points0 points ago

Not only did Jesus drive a Honda, but he also built my car. It's a love affair. Mainly Jesus and my hot rod.

[–]mjhdroid -1 points0 points ago

and gods name is howard....."our father, who art in heaven, HOWARD be thy name."

[–]PorcupinePettingZoo -1 points0 points ago

That's just a Prelude to a Kias!!!

[–]zeissikon 1 point2 points ago

Maybe, but God drove a Fiat. A Fiat Lux, even.

[–]Circusmidget -1 points0 points ago

but he built my hotrod

[–]Sappleba -1 points0 points ago

Hey guys, I just realized there's a cleverly hidden pun in this picture!

[–]gregsting -1 points0 points ago

I heard he went to Jerusalem in Triumph and then got an Escort

[–]FreakyWeirdo 0 points1 point ago

I will just leave this here.

[–]Dohctor -1 points0 points ago

A Honda accord with Acura TL-S wheels.....YAYYYYYY!!

[–]3x_Alliterator 1 point2 points ago

Hark! A holy honda driver does doubtlessly remain reserved regarding his automobile.

[–]kabuto 0 points1 point ago

There's not much on the Internet that actually makes me laugh, but this picture did. I like it.

[–]Monsanto_Bob 1 point2 points ago

And all 12 of his disciples somehow managed to cram into it: "And on the day of Pentecost, they were all in one Accord." Acts 2:1

[–]Apf4 1 point2 points ago

I'm not an atheist but I appreciate good wordplay.

[–]D_armstrong 0 points1 point ago

Seems legit.

[–]rmalik007 0 points1 point ago

Honda is Wack

[–]ukittenme 0 points1 point ago

How many people have seen this and gone on to buy a Honda?

[–]jimmym007 0 points1 point ago

Braces yourselves, Viral marketing comments are coming

[–]theytooktomallen 0 points1 point ago

........Nor do I speak of my own Gibson with a Marshall stack.

[–]SlutWaterTaffy 0 points1 point ago

my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon

[–]widowsli 0 points1 point ago

I always figured him a Christler man.

[–]kresblain 0 points1 point ago

Forgive them, Father, for they know not how to appreciate affordable mid-sized sedans.

[–]Spleen_Muncher 0 points1 point ago

Talking about not talking about it is still talking about it.

[–]Spleen_Muncher 0 points1 point ago

So who takes the wheel when he loses control?

THEN WHO WAS JESUS?

[–]Diaper_cocktail 0 points1 point ago

[–]sweetgreggo 0 points1 point ago

That is one big car.

[–]ice_freezer 0 points1 point ago

Come on, everybody knows Jesus drives a Ferrari.

[–]brook011 0 points1 point ago

Jesus take the wheel!

[–]memostothefuture 0 points1 point ago

wow, that photoshop makes jesus look like the patron saint of midgets.

[–]Waff1es 0 points1 point ago

Was he ashamed of it? Accords are nice rides.

[–]Lacagada 0 points1 point ago

Jesus was short!

[–]Tmeesseman 0 points1 point ago

/r/punny would like to have a word with you.

[–]sanlc504 0 points1 point ago

Wow, so Jesus drove the V6 with the six-speed manual? Good choice.

[–]themichelinman 0 points1 point ago

"David's Triumph was heard throughout the land." I guess David was a little less modest with his motorcycle.

[–]dylsta1009 1 point2 points ago

Peter did too, but he denied it.

[–]_langa_ 0 points1 point ago

Isn't that a Civic?

[–]Snitchables 0 points1 point ago

either Jesus is one tiny man, or he drove a big ass honda

[–]darkshy 0 points1 point ago

I saw this on my facebook feed like 3 days ago I figured "oh well it's probably on reddit already." How wrong was I.

[–]ifixpedals 0 points1 point ago

I never thought I'd see old pastor jokes hit the front page.

[–]LostSoles 0 points1 point ago

I always would have thought Jesus would drive a cross-over.

[–]gkiltz 0 points1 point ago

Let's just assume Jesus came back as a fat, bald truck driver from Pittsburgh. Would he STILL be YOUR god???

[–]bunyonb 0 points1 point ago

He went into an Accord along with his disciples

[–]fizzl -1 points0 points ago

Tuoka minulle ratsuni

If you don't get it, don't despair. You are just one of the few morons in the world who do not understand Finnish dialect jokes.

[–]southcmft 0 points1 point ago

Reminds of Kris Kristopherson "Jesus Was A Capricorn".

[–]My_2nd_SFW_Account 0 points1 point ago

Jesus was quite a small man apparently...

[–]ConansBeard 0 points1 point ago

Jesus drove the accord 2door coupe like I do

[–]whats_the_deal22 0 points1 point ago

As an owner of the exact car pictured here, this is the best thing I've seen all day.

[–]nvose 0 points1 point ago

this stopped being funny the 8th time I saw it on the front page

[–]xsilium 0 points1 point ago

So your prophet drives a Honda, doin' donuts on the Gaza, But the Gaza don't have the roads to handle his Honda. His Holiness don't want none, unless you get spun, hon.

[–]malmac 1 point2 points ago

God has a pickup truck: Moses followers were told they shouldn't proceed until the ram's horn sounds a long blast.

God owns a Pontiac and a Geo. Psalm 83 urges the Lord to "pursue your enemies with your Tempest and terrify them with your Storm."

God drove an old plymouth also: the Bible says God drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden in a Fury.

[–]at1991 -1 points0 points ago

Fucking Jesus....

[–]silent_p 0 points1 point ago

But Jesus ain't got a motor in the back of his Honda.

My anaconda don't want none.

[–]foolsmagools 0 points1 point ago

Comedian who talked about a joke of his that was his fathers favorite and it went like. " we were praying right before the meal when my father said '... And bless his mexican disciples...' 'mom did he just call the discipl' ' shut up.'" afterwords he takes his dad aside and asks why he called the disciples mexican to which his father responds "there were 12 of them and it said they all went around in one accord." upvotes to whoever is the god/goddess of pandora comedy to deliver.

[–]indyliberal1 0 points1 point ago

and did workout tapes by Fonda...

[–]MyHorseIsDead 0 points1 point ago

Guys, I think it's shopped. I can tell because of pixels

[–]gergek 0 points1 point ago

jesus was just a lil' guy!

[–]OmniaII 0 points1 point ago

[–]Falconpunch3 0 points1 point ago

This amazed me so much. I look like Jesus and dress up in robes for conventions while I also own a Honda.

[–]HondaHead 0 points1 point ago

I think this is just all in my head...