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top 200 commentsshow all 276

[–]rocknrollercoaster 362 points363 points ago

Does your wife wake you up in the middle of the night and yell "YOU SHOULDA LET ME DIE!!!"

[–]The_True_Zecret 73 points74 points ago

0___________o did not need that...

[–]DSTFU 77 points78 points ago

[–]This_is_Kags 112 points113 points ago

[RES ignored duplicate image]

Sorry bud, nice try.

[–]DSTFU 62 points63 points ago

[–]reallivenerd 7 points8 points ago

After just discovering RES last week after being here two years. I love RES!

[–]Firefly114 6 points7 points ago

Damn you, I fell for it.

[–]DSTFU 15 points16 points ago

[–]ConMan77 17 points18 points ago

RES dick.

[–]verynayce 7 points8 points ago

There's an ointment for that.

[–]theodrixx 1 point2 points ago

EXPAND, DAMMIT!

sob

...expand.

[–]fractalfarmer 5 points6 points ago

Eyes noticed identical URL.

[–]userandpass 0 points1 point ago

So do I, I must have thought of something else.

[–]CunderscoreF 0 points1 point ago

oh you son of a bitch!

[–]MarriedToReddit 1 point2 points ago

I did. Labyrinth is fucking awesome.

[–]JakeCameraAction 3 points4 points ago

Labrynth is amazing.

[–]octonana 5 points6 points ago

I love that fucking movie

[–]Doomshock 1 point2 points ago

Holy fuck I need to watch whatever that is from. Sauce?

[–]RelevantLabyrinthGif 0 points1 point ago

[–]Doomshock 0 points1 point ago

Oh...shit. I haven't seen The Labyrinth in a while.

[–]TheBigJ123[S] 44 points45 points ago

BAHAHAHAHA!

[–]freckledcupcake 94 points95 points ago

If my husband offered me ice cream every time he wanted to fuck me, I think I'd be 1) more willing and 2) pregnant.

[–]Wakka37 84 points85 points ago

You forgot 3) diabetic

[–]freckledcupcake 44 points45 points ago

and/or 3)morbidly obese

[–]fractalfarmer 31 points32 points ago

4) with a walk like John Wayne

[–]freckledcupcake 22 points23 points ago

not sure if due to:

a) mounds of ice cream waddle b) tons of sex walk

[–]Stranded_In_A_Desert 17 points18 points ago

¿por qué no los dos?

[–]hippopotamusauras 7 points8 points ago

I don't speak spanish but I'm gonna assume that says "Why not both?"

[–]chad_bro_chill_17 4 points5 points ago

Sí señor

[–]hippopotamusauras 1 point2 points ago

De nada por favor!

[–]Vladimir_Putins_Cock 6 points7 points ago

She could burn some of the calories with sex, if shes doing the work

[–]stdubz 23 points24 points ago

I just wished my boyfriend would actually fuck me. I even started playing WoW just to see if it helped...

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]cartola 12 points13 points ago

If he was indeed addicted to video games (not just "oh he plays a game almost every day for half an hour") then he probably has other issues and sex is not the most important part of that diagnosis.

But some people just don't want sex as much. It's a bit ridiculous that women have this (obviously mistaken) stereotype that they need to be coaxed into sex and then a guy who happens to not want it so much is somehow the weirdest person ever. No one seems to bat an eye at why a woman wouldn't want to have sex every week at least. Maybe companionship and eventual sex is more than enough for those guys.

Different people work different ways and have other expectations from life. That's usually why relationships break down.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]cartola 9 points10 points ago

That seems a much less plausible proposal than "he just didn't wanna fuck".

[–]vw209 2 points3 points ago

That's like starting meth to lose weight.

[–]MeghanError909 1 point2 points ago

Thank fucking jesus. I really thought for a second that I was the only woman who truly enjoys sex.

[–]MarkEffed 101 points102 points ago

does your wife take your penis and throw it into a bed pan right after your offer?

[–]TheBigJ123[S] 6 points7 points ago

Lol

[–]CushtyJVftw 14 points15 points ago

Is that a yes or a no?

[–]TheBigJ123[S] 37 points38 points ago

Yes :(

[–]samuelbt 0 points1 point ago

Is that a yes she throws your dick or a yes that the lol was a yes or no?

[–]elementofsurprise 185 points186 points ago

You call her Lieutenant Dan and offer ice cream?

[–]Certus 109 points110 points ago

I think you may have found the problem.

[–]TheBigJ123[S] 101 points102 points ago

Yes. Yes I do. Usually works too.

[–]PlayingWithCum 18 points19 points ago

OH I GET IT, THE ICE-CREAM IS YOUR PENIS. AH-HA!

[–]Esc4p3 14 points15 points ago

The hammer is my penis.

[–]HeyImOverHere 10 points11 points ago

This breaks the vagina.

[–]Auflodern 5 points6 points ago

This kills the penis

[–]Zippy5454 2 points3 points ago

The clown has no penis!

[–]bordemseeks 1 point2 points ago

or dildos Delicous Chocolate and Vanilla Dildos

[–]zygntwin 31 points32 points ago

HA! Trying to have sex with my wife at ANY time is like this!

[–]incredible-ninja 2 points3 points ago

new kids!

[–]xyqxyq 4 points5 points ago

wat

[–]jdog1977 1 point2 points ago

This should have way more up votes...

[–]cpxh 23 points24 points ago

Maybe you shouldn't have pulled your wife out of a bombing zone after her legs got blown off.

[–]DerpinNinjaa 39 points40 points ago

I couldn't help but read it in his voice

[–]unicornjizzz 22 points23 points ago

That's the only way you can read it

[–]ratajewie 15 points16 points ago

I am not a smart man. But I know what love is.

[–]TheBigJ123[S] 15 points16 points ago

"you been on a shrimp boat before"? "no, but I've been on a real big boat"

[–]foggart 13 points14 points ago

Sorry I got in a fight in the middle of your Black Panther party.

[–]Uberninjaa 4 points5 points ago

The problem is, all his lips say is ice cream, so I just hear that part over and over.

ICE CREAM ICE CREAM ICE CREAM

[–]Shamwow22 2 points3 points ago

Ice craymmm.

[–]HigherFive 31 points32 points ago

Expected this.

[–]Bitcheslovebabies 14 points15 points ago

I wish my husband would try to have morning sex with me :(

[–]fractalfarmer 14 points15 points ago

Me too. Your husband is hot.

[–]Bitcheslovebabies 1 point2 points ago

Lmao, if you say so.

[–]coming_up_milhouse 4 points5 points ago

Did you just imply your husband was ugly?

[–]kittywitch9 2 points3 points ago

me too, morning sex is the best sex!

[–]nihilite 1 point2 points ago

This shouldnt be a hard sell.

[–]NurseAngela 1 point2 points ago

Me three... erm not your husband though. I have my own thanks.

[–]Bitcheslovebabies 0 points1 point ago

Haha I figured that. I don't get why they don't want morning sex, they wake up ready to go. Im always the one who has to stay up till 2-5 a.m. with our two year old when he wakes up and my husband gets up at 6 for work, im exhausted at that point but am still more than willing to be woken up for morning sex but hes not having it.

[–]Herecomethedrums 10 points11 points ago

IT EVEN HAS HOT FUDGE, PLEASE?!

[–]TheBigJ123[S] 16 points17 points ago

Yeah, and here is some nuts.

[–]ratajewie 2 points3 points ago

White chocolate fudge?

[–]StoryGopher 0 points1 point ago

Well.....for fudge....

[–]penultimator 10 points11 points ago

You cut off the part where he slaps the ice cream out of his hand.

[–]Sprintzer[!] 9 points10 points ago

You don't even have to do anything.

[–]TheBigJ123[S] 14 points15 points ago

Yeah, you don't even have to wake up

[–]i_be_likewtf 2 points3 points ago

I would eat the shit outta that ice cream

[–]IhateToronto 6 points7 points ago

Maybe if it tasted like ice cream....?

[–]Kicker_Of_Rabbits 4 points5 points ago

Haha, it's funny because the ice cream is a dick.

[–]TheBigJ123[S] 2 points3 points ago

"if he was an ice cream flavor he'd be pralines and dick"

[–]Wakka37 1 point2 points ago

"it's OK guys"

[–]Three_Word_Guy 0 points1 point ago

Laughed my ass!

[–]twin-cest 4 points5 points ago

I love morning sex, I miss it. :( My boyfriend hates everything when he first wakes up, he won't let me play with his penis til after noon.

[–]mangeek 1 point2 points ago

Seriously, I want a cup of coffee, a good vigorous tooth-brushing, and some time to loosen-up first. I feel like death when I wake up.

[–]foxyou 2 points3 points ago

I like morning sex but it's my boyfriend who never wants to do it, even if he has morning wood

[–]wrighter34 3 points4 points ago

This is the best gif, with title, I have ever seen. To note, I have been an unsubscribed "redditer" for over a year, this is my first upvote and comment. As a side note, with the alien blue client 'reddit' and 'upvote' should not be mistaken for misspelled words.

[–]jdog1977 1 point2 points ago

Then an up vote for you!

[–]TheBigJ123[S] 0 points1 point ago

And you!

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Baracuda7711 8 points9 points ago

It has sound?!

[–]Forgainst_it 6 points7 points ago

My girlfriend loves to sleep. If I wake up naturally, I'm really awake. She will want to sleep in on the weekends, so I wake up and just poke her with my dick till she concedes. She'll do me and then go back to sleep and I'll go make myself coffee and read the internet. Winning.

[–]secretredditoflej 3 points4 points ago

Bf doesn't like morning sex, so I can't relate.

[–]ChexBex 5 points6 points ago

Same!

[–]medep -2 points-1 points ago

How is that possible?

[–]fractalfarmer 10 points11 points ago

Two words. Morning breath.

[–]No-one-cares 1 point2 points ago

Pillow over her face, it's kinky and pragmatic.

[–]vanenestix 1 point2 points ago

I wake up one minute before and brush my teeth so I don't reek. I don't mind his.

[–]robert_ahnmeischaft 1 point2 points ago

Two words: REAR ENTRY.

[–]boppy28 6 points7 points ago

This is happening to me and most of my friends as well. I wonder if it's environmental? http://www.quickmeme.com/meme/3qgzjg/

[–]yagmot 8 points9 points ago

i hear it's called being married.

[–]boppy28 4 points5 points ago

And you would be correct sir. Have an upward facing arrow.

[–]Baracuda7711 13 points14 points ago

Maybe ask for a blowjob instead of just expecting one. Maybe eat her out once in a while too.

[–]Vladimir_Putins_Cock 17 points18 points ago

And do a good job eating her out too, lazy cunnilingus will not do the trick

[–]Baracuda7711 6 points7 points ago

We should all collaborate and write a book about blowjobs and cunnilingus. It'd be glorious

[–]Vladimir_Putins_Cock 9 points10 points ago

The Definitive Guide to Fellatio and Cunnilingus. First Edition

[–]Baracuda7711 4 points5 points ago

[–]kami_inu 2 points3 points ago

Virgin Edition

FTFY

[–]untouchable_face 0 points1 point ago

Omygod thank you!

[–]boppy28 8 points9 points ago

Serious? It's that easy? Fuck! Why didn't I think of that before?

[–]Baracuda7711 0 points1 point ago

Just doin' my job ;)

[–]spinalsnap 6 points7 points ago

But you can't beat a spontaneous blowjob.

[–]Baracuda7711 7 points8 points ago

What's even better than a spontaneous one is the one where she doesn't make it look or feel like a chore. Where she takes her time and gives you the slow blow. Slow blow is best blow.

[–]CowboyNinjaD 3 points4 points ago

Chris Rock does a bit about that. Your wife may perform oral sex on you. But she won't suck your cock.

[–]SHUT_UP_STUPID 2 points3 points ago

You married?

[–]bordemseeks 3 points4 points ago

because, she's eating ice cream picard

[–]BassNector 0 points1 point ago

Goddamit George, why'd you have to kill lenny!? *I know it's not that movie but if you know Lt. Dan you'll know what I mean. :D

[–]where_is_the_any_key 0 points1 point ago

A gif, which made me laugh out loud..what sorcery is this?! As a Brit, I tip my hat to you.

[–]StoryGopher 2 points3 points ago

You could kill someone dear to her and have mourning sex instead?

[–]incredible-ninja 1 point2 points ago

and then she felt like running didnt she?

[–]cornpete 2 points3 points ago

You might have more luck if you didn't call your wife "Lieutenant Dan."

[–]CommandaSpock 2 points3 points ago

You're married to Lieutenant Dan?

[–]CrippleDrifting 2 points3 points ago

someone desperately needs to make this into an upvote gif.

[–]B-bifford 2 points3 points ago

Every time I see this I always say it in his voice in my head and laugh to myself. LUUUTENNANT DAAAN! IIICE CREAMM!

[–]Dorfattack 2 points3 points ago

Why would I want to have sex when I can have ice-cream? There must be some awesome gif of that.

[–]thundabot 2 points3 points ago

All I can think of is that instead of the ice cream, he has his penis out doing the same thing.

[–]kutwijf 2 points3 points ago

Go down on her. That ought to wake her up!

[–]TheForceiswithus 1 point2 points ago

The more important question is why isn't she giving it up after she totally wrecked your cornhole? That's a cold bitch.

[–]pwnzm 2 points3 points ago

All my wife wants is morning sex ironically.. Life is tough.

[–]thebayway 2 points3 points ago

Being married must suck! Err...not suck... or... fuck this.

[–]princessofgemworld 1 point2 points ago

Morning sex Isn't sex, that's why it's not appealing to women. It's just a morning-wood receptacle.

Wake me up with an orgasm and it's a different fuckin' story!

[–]NoLongerNeeded 10 points11 points ago

Morning sex Isn't sex

As a woman I can wholeheartedly disagree.

[–]gibsoncoca 2 points3 points ago

One day when I'm married and wake up wanting some morning fun, I'm just going to reenact the scene and say "Lieutenant Dan! Ice cream!" I think the response will be very positive.

[–]scrtagent101 3 points4 points ago

I think the major problem here is that you equate your wife to Lieutenant Dan.

[–]crazyjimmy 2 points3 points ago

Probably one of the worst things about a long term relationship: at some point women only want to have sex at night and in the bedroom (usually bed time when I'm tired as fuck). Morning sex is always there at the beginning then at some point...gone! That's just my experience.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

I woke up next to my girlfriend the other day (like usual) and I said to her "Would it be rude of me to straight-up ask you for a blowjo-" Didn't even finish the question.

"Nope!" as she disappeared under the covers.

She's an awesome girl. For several reasons beyond this little anecdote, of course.

[–]SamuraiSevens 3 points4 points ago

I've consistently downvoted and clicked hide on every gif like this in r/funny. your's is the first to make me laugh like a twat

[–]TheBigJ123[S] 3 points4 points ago

Thanks, it made me laugh pretty hard too. Not sure if I will show it to my wife or not.

[–]trecoolj8 1 point2 points ago

i busted out laughing! and that RARELY happens here.

[–]theycallmewhywhy 0 points1 point ago

but instead of ice cream, its my fully erect penis.

[–]zygntwin 0 points1 point ago

How come it's a picture of a pussy??

[–]SamuelBiggs 1 point2 points ago

Risky click.

[–]g3lrod 1 point2 points ago

Stupid is as stupid does, ma'am.

[–]UncleTogie 1 point2 points ago

Y'know, I just realized something with us all using memes like this...

We're turning in the Children of Tama...

[–]twan398 1 point2 points ago

You want your wife to do anal. You see if the scene were to play on he would take the icecream and throw it in a bedpand. I assume the icecream is your dick and you want her to put it where she poops, or maybe I'm just reading into this too much. I got a shit ton of free time and I'm so alone.

[–]Correlations 1 point2 points ago

This is how I felt with my ex-bf. All the time.

[–]jorts9 1 point2 points ago

The few times my wife indulges me she always comes home from work telling me how she had a great day because of it. She'll send me suggestive emails and texts throughout the day. She agrees that we need to increase the frequency, yet it seems to happen less often.

I just don't get it.

[–]Apocol0id 1 point2 points ago

Who in the hell wants morning sex? When I wake up I'm a zombie. Who wants zombie se-...shit, it's the internet. I learned not to ask questions about this.

[–]CruiseDude 1 point2 points ago

I want to upvote this twice.

[–]KelseyLeila 1 point2 points ago

My boyfriend just pokes me with his boner while I pretend to be asleep. He's persistant

[–]deruben 1 point2 points ago

That's what I do too. It works, sooner or later she get's into kind of a rage-sex-mode, in which she just want to bring that fucker down. It's interesting how she doesn't want to stop then anymore =D

[–]Ross1210 1 point2 points ago

Not many things here make me actually loose it laughing. This one gets saved, well done.

[–]TheBigJ123[S] 0 points1 point ago

Then you shall have an upvote good sir!

[–]nineteen_eightyfour 1 point2 points ago

I dunno man, wife here who can't convince her husband to have morning sex ever :(

[–]The_Horse_Lady 1 point2 points ago

Man, I miss morning sex...

[–]Throw-it-away-yo 1 point2 points ago

I call my wife Lt. Dan, as well.

[–]Notlostwanderer 1 point2 points ago

See, now I for one don't understand why she wouldn't want morning sex, even without that ice cream.

[–]dog_in_the_vent 1 point2 points ago

To the front with you, sir.

[–]Ashtraysounds 1 point2 points ago

So you call your wife Lieutenant Dan also, I thought I was the only one.

[–]ltvyrus 1 point2 points ago

i know that feel bro.... I know that feel

[–]eivissa 1 point2 points ago

Morning sex is awesome, nothing like waking up to a huge boner down your back

[–]1842morpho 1 point2 points ago

Whenever I try to have morning sex with my boyfriend, he always says, "Sorry babe, I just need to pee." Then when he comes back, his morning wood is gone and/or I'm asleep. His loss.

[–]Trollcontrol -1 points0 points ago

Good the OP finds this "funny" :)

[–]twasdreary 1 point2 points ago

from my experience the magic time is 5 in the morning. I dunno why but every time I wake up at 5 and a girls next to me we end up doing naughty things.

[–]LuckyDuck77 1 point2 points ago

Oh god... once a day I laugh way to much at something... this sir... was that something.

[–]Ebby86 1 point2 points ago

same except I'm a woman and my fiance is male....suppose it's not the same, I dont have anything to really "wibble" in his face..

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Ebby86 0 points1 point ago

You'd think so... but no

[–]TheBigJ123[S] 1 point2 points ago

Oh I don't know, I'm pretty sure if you started running your beaver up and down his leg you would get a response

[–]Ebby86 0 points1 point ago

Doesn't work.

[–]TheBigJ123[S] -1 points0 points ago

Hmmm, well I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this but I think he may be gay. Or have a prostate problem. Whatever.

[–]0LDP0ST 1 point2 points ago

Oh hey this is not a new gif so it must be OLD!

[–]DivorceCake 0 points1 point ago

Does every redditor's wife simply never fuck their husband??

[–]gallantfox 0 points1 point ago

Why dont more women like morning sex? Am I the only one who does?!

[–]rstaubach_12 1 point2 points ago

I reluctantly must upvote this...

[–]MisaMisa21 1 point2 points ago

I personally don't like morning sex because the thought of my bf having a hard on is usually associated with him having a dream about some sexy women I pressume? Although he always claims he never remembers his dreams...

[–]rodsaysgo 0 points1 point ago

your retarded, sorry, i left some grammar out to make u feel better, but morning wood is quite natural for all men

[–]MisaMisa21 0 points1 point ago

Why do you take it so seriously? If everyone wrote out the obvious comments which apply to common sense, the internet would be a very boring place.

[–]GRFatman 1 point2 points ago

morning sex ? Ewwwwww it is like pullin apart a grilled cheese sandwich

[–]grimpoteuthis 2 points3 points ago

...what?

[–]NoLongerNeeded 1 point2 points ago

What the fuck is wrong with you?

[–]deruben 0 points1 point ago

The concept of sex is an other! You don't have to pull it apart, doesn't make sence. You have to shove that fucker into that grilled cheese sandwich.

Edit: GRFatmann? Now I get the reference to the sandwich ¦)

[–]itsallgood007 -1 points0 points ago

LOL!

[–]TheNumberOneOrFive 1 point2 points ago

No... the 30 inch space is a motherfucking battle field for women. You don't bring icecream in to a sword thing. Either you slowly bombard their defences, or go all Pearl Harbour and straight to the thing man

[–]cyanide_girl 1 point2 points ago

Back when I was in high school, I named my first bowl Lieutenant Dan after this scene in the movie..... good times.

[–]sugar-snow-snap 1 point2 points ago

i feel like this but it's my boyfriend. AM I THE ONLY GIRL WHO LIKES MORNING SEX?

[–]MsNewfieologist 0 points1 point ago

Who can resist morning wood... When the bf hits snooze on the clock more than once i wake him up with a bj so he don't sleep in... I think he does it on purpose though!!

[–]Ihadacow 5 points6 points ago

I wake my bf up by elbowing him and going: "Hey, it's go time!" He is forced to then have morning sex with me.

[–]TheBigJ123[S] 1 point2 points ago

Yeah that would definitely work on me. Doesn't take much.

[–]Squa7ch 1 point2 points ago

Exactly.