this post was submitted on
1,403 points (52% like it)
12,806 up votes 11,403 down votes

funny

subscribe2,399,005 readers

9,279 users here now

PLEASE, No posts with their sole purpose being to communicate with another redditor. Click for an Example.


Welcome to r/Funny:

You may only post if you are funny.

Please No:

  • Screenshots of reddit comment threads. Post a link with context to /r/bestof or /r/defaultgems if from a default subreddit instead.

  • Posts for the specific point of it being your reddit birthday.

  • Politics - This includes the 2012 Presidential candidates or bills in congress.

  • Rage comics - Go to /fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu instead.

  • Memes - Go to /r/AdviceAnimals or /r/Memes instead.

  • Demotivational posters - Go to /r/Demotivational instead.

  • Pictures of just text - Make a self post instead.

  • DAE posts - Go to /r/doesanybodyelse

  • eCards - the poll result was 55.02% in favor of removal. Please submit eCards to /r/ecards

  • URL shorteners - No link shorteners (or HugeURL) in either post links or comments. They will be deleted regardless of intent.

Rehosted webcomics will be removed. Please submit a link to the original comic's site and preferably an imgur link in the comments. Do not post a link to the comic image, it must be linked to the page of the comic. (*) (*)

Need more? Check out:

Still need more? See Reddit's best / worst and offensive joke collections (warning: some of those jokes are offensive / nsfw!).


Please DO NOT post personal information. This includes anything hosted on Facebook's servers, as they can be traced to the original account holder.


If your submission appears to be banned, please don't just delete it as that makes the filter hate you! Instead please send us a message with a link to the post. We'll unban it and it should get better. Please allow 10 minutes for the post to appear before messaging moderators


The moderators of /r/funny reserve the right to moderate posts and comments at their discretion, with regard to their perception of the suitability of said posts and comments for this subreddit. Thank you for your understanding.


CSS - BritishEnglishPolice ©2011

a community for

reddit is a source for what's new and popular online. vote on links that you like or dislike and help decide what's popular, or submit your own! learn more ›

top 200 commentsshow all 217

[–]gorvetus 195 points196 points ago

Why are you masturbating to your friend's social lives?

[–]LieutenantKumar 193 points194 points ago

I take what I can get

[–]B_For_Bandana 37 points38 points ago

No judgment, man. Life is hard in the big cruel world.

[–]LieutenantKumar 72 points73 points ago

Yeah, but fortunately for me, so is my penis.

[–]CTRL_ALT_RAPE 18 points19 points ago

not for long

[–]ANAL_QUEEN -1 points0 points ago

[–]tracerghost00 1 point2 points ago

The username of the night for me

[–]Nyrb 0 points1 point ago

You've never met ANAL-QUEEN?

Stand up guy, really.

[–]tmm1641 3 points4 points ago

B-b-b-baby you just ain't seen nothin' yet

[–]WolverineofReddit 1 point2 points ago

Any loving's, good lovin, oh baby you ain't seen nothing yet

[–]zep_man 37 points38 points ago

three words: beach vacation albums

[–]BlackZeppelin 4 points5 points ago

Hallelujah.

[–]VenDai 92 points93 points ago

What else would he masturbate to? Porn? That's fake dumbass.

[–]TheBigYello1isTheSun 15 points16 points ago

This is eerily logical.

[–]yakkers09[S] 12 points13 points ago

I don't think I've laughed so hard at a reddit comment.

[–]b_miracle 24 points25 points ago

Does anyone else hate when people end questions with periods.

[–]finallymadeanaccount 3 points4 points ago

Sometimes?

[–]cryingeyes 11 points12 points ago

[–]black19 1 point2 points ago

It's definitely not worse than people ending statements with question marks?

Edit: Fuck, no matter what, it still sounds like a question!

[–]yakkers09[S] 12 points13 points ago

Why aren't you?

[–]Nyrb 0 points1 point ago

Therein lies the joke.

[–]geordilaforge 0 points1 point ago

The question is: why aren't you masturbating to your friend's social lives?

[–]sphinnxx 119 points120 points ago

Facebook is bullshit

Published in the Cyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networking journal, the study also concluded that people that spent less time socializing on Facebook and spent more time with real-life friends were less likely to be unhappy. Since Facebook users are far more likely to depict the happiest times of their lives through carefully curated photos rather than catalog depressing events, many users are more likely to believe that happiness is a constant in their friend’s lives.

[–]virusdotexe 20 points21 points ago

The same can be said about people who keep journals. I remember reading almost the exact same criticism of Theodore Roosevelt's autobiography. Facebook is just people writing their own autobiographies.

[–]sphinnxx 22 points23 points ago

One cool thing that I had seen written about Facebook was the fact that with time there will be more dead people on Facebook than living. If, perhaps, Facebook survived for a couple centuries, or forever (like the minor deity it is), Facebook could give future generations a very interesting look into the past.

And while reading this, I realized another great flaw to this. "Holy shit things were awesome in the 21st century, everyone was happy and only did cool shit! See? Not one picture of a bad time! And everyone was gettin mad bitches!"

[–]montyy123 14 points15 points ago

I think most future researchers will be intelligent enough to realize how people depict themselves publicly. If not, they can find this comment among the Great Reddit Cache.

[–]sphinnxx 5 points6 points ago

Wow I didn't think of this.. The GRC, that shit will be a textbook one day.

[–]finallymadeanaccount 6 points7 points ago

A textbook in which the word 'fap' will appear 81 billion times!

[–]pstamato 5 points6 points ago

Which will undoubtedly become the topic of somebody's PhD. thesis, entitled "Variences in the Context and Content of the Semantics of the Word 'Fap' in Early 21st Century Social Media."

[–]YouPeopleScareMe 1 point2 points ago

Rule 34 strikes again: Academia Porn.

[–]black19 1 point2 points ago

Don't be so modest

[–]finallymadeanaccount 0 points1 point ago

I'm not. That was only 1 hand of 2.

[–]MilaPoonis 0 points1 point ago

do you really think they are going to use textbooks in the future?

[–]sphinnxx 0 points1 point ago

World War 3, hundreds of years of technology wiped out. Thousands even. Mankind rebuilds. Millenia later, humanity recovers a portion of what it had lost. Something is found. The server that housed all of reddit, with backup files. Humans everywhere rejoice, an incredible time capsule from tens of thousands of years ago, their ancestors. Finally, they figure out how to get the information off of it...

There face when

You can hear the collective jaw drop of humanity.

*edit, grammar

[–]IronLung420 0 points1 point ago

Gold.

[–]Pquick 1 point2 points ago

We are making history!

[–]dirice87 5 points6 points ago

well that's the thing about modern times in general, never before have such volumes of information been cataloged and saved.

Memory is a weird thing because its so faulty and driven by emotion rather than objective recollection. We can twist it to suit our own hopes and desires as well as our fears, yet we rely on it so heavily to make decisions that shape our future. The entirety of our perception is based on it.

If technology can make a perfect record of our memories, does it change things? Will our decisions be better once we can seamlessly look back at any point in history? Or will it make it worse since now we can use technology as a justification of our actions, saying "This is how it was" when really technology is just as imperfect as recording our lives as our memories are.

The next century is going to be pretty interesting.

[–]dsi1 1 point2 points ago

Well shit now I want to use Facebook

good job.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]sphinnxx 4 points5 points ago

I've tried a couple of times, they always ended up looking shit beginnings of a novel. I have no idea why I tried more than once, not sure what I was going for.

Relevant: Dad dick's are huge.

[–]humanmanguy 0 points1 point ago

How the fuck is that relevant???

[–]sphinnxx 2 points3 points ago

"so much real life. I remember seeing my dads package in the shower once by accident (walked in on him) when I was 8 or so ... and I swear to god I still have the picture embedded into my memory banks. I still have never seen a fatter cock to this day no homo yes srs "

"it was huuuge. he always makes jokes about his dick being big too "

"I saw it one time when I was prob under 10 years old. The image still has yet to leave my memory. (srs). "

"THIS CANT BE FUKKING REAL LIFE. 2muchreallife SRS. My dad used to give me showers when I was like 5-6(single father and I was scared to shower without him) I SWEAR to god his cock was fukkin HUGE flaccid. NEVER seen a THICKER cock in my life not even in porn except for maybe shortymac/mandingo. I'm sorry for typing in bold but this is way to much real life."

"Saw it not too long ago, actually... Thank god i actually need glasses to see...and that i don't wear them to often in the house. It was all a blur. oh, and no homo "

"Saw my dads balls once when I was a kid, it was a weird seeing where I came from. "

"well when ur a little kid, ur cawk is small, so u see an adult cock and it's the size of ur arm, and u imagine for the rest of ur life that ur dads cock is the size of ur arm lolz "

dad dicks.

[–]Stoy 0 points1 point ago

Is this some sort of tragic mutation of the "Dad dicks" part of the Workaholics episode?

[–]prrifth 1 point2 points ago

I don't keep a diary, but there are reasons why I feel like I should:

  • I like to talk to people about shit that is going on in my life, it helps me deal with it when it is not so good. I don't really mind what they have to say about it, I just feel the need to tell someone, so I may as well address it to my diary rather than bore my friends with it.

  • Sometimes things happen to me that I can't talk to anyone about. A diary would help offload this stuff while keeping it under wraps.

  • It's handy to write down dreams in a diary just after you wake up so you don't forget them.

  • Reading over old conversation logs with people makes me realise what an asshole I am sometimes, and helps with trying to not be such an asshole in future. Old diaries would probably achieve the same thing.

[–]TurgidMeatWand 0 points1 point ago

I gave up on journals because I always focused on things that annoyed/depressed me cause I found them more interesting...needless to say I was just feeding back into my anger/sadness instead of releasing it. Eventually it just became something I doodled robots and dicks into.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]crackshot91 47 points48 points ago

The fastest way to lose a friend is to find yourself jealous of their happiness.

That and losing their trust.

[–]dirice87 9 points10 points ago

yeah, thats why i deleted my facebook, I was becoming too concerned with other people's lives. Now I just go to reddit and observe strangers

[–]TheiiNumberiiJ 13 points14 points ago

Yeah, but those long nights alone can turn into a real nightmare.

[–]crackshot91 8 points9 points ago

It's not your friend's fault. And if it is, they're probably not a good friend.

[–]MrBody42 10 points11 points ago

I'm so glad I have bacon reader.

[–]TheiiNumberiiJ 3 points4 points ago

True dat.

[–]W3RRD 4 points5 points ago

Shit because I'm jealous of all my...acquaintances lets call them.

[–]OneOfPwnage 2 points3 points ago

Or find him fucking your wife.

FUCK YOU SHARON. FUCK YOU AND BOBBY TOO.

[–]crackshot91 0 points1 point ago

He lost your trust, and your friendship.

Also, damn. Sorry. :(

[–]RUPTURED_ASSHOLE 0 points1 point ago

It's not your fault.

[–]cakey138 1 point2 points ago

I'm guilty of that for sure! Everyone looks so pretty and happy and successful and I'm fat and ugly and broke and I can't even go on those without feeling like shit

[–]Cryptic0677 18 points19 points ago

True. I only use facebook to communicate with my closest friends elsewhere in the country. Setting it so everyone else shows up rarely is awesome.

[–]sphinnxx -1 points0 points ago

That's definitely a purposeful function for it, although I prefer talk/txt over using a public medium to do so. Call me ol' fashion!

[–]frenchhornhero 20 points21 points ago

I use messenger pigeons.

[–]DogmaJones 2 points3 points ago

I use ravens

[–]1nb4m3 1 point2 points ago

"Dark wings, dark words."

[–]black19 0 points1 point ago

"You know nothing!"

[–]Basbhat 5 points6 points ago

oh we can tell you're old fashion because you wrote "txt"

so no confusion there

[–]sphinnxx 4 points5 points ago

I don't know what time period this phone I'm using from is. If I start to write www, my T9 suggests www.yazissues.com. There was a time and a place.

[–]ultrapepe 5 points6 points ago

I largely use Facebook as a place where I go to look at friends photos and let loose all over the keyboard.

[–]sphinnxx 11 points12 points ago

I deleted my Facebook when I realized I spent more time looking at pictures of people I hated, rather than communicating with friends.

[–]ultrapepe 8 points9 points ago

And jerking it to exes while crying. Don't forget that.

EDIT: edited due to spell correct being a jack ass.

[–]sphinnxx 0 points1 point ago

while crying*

[–]ultrapepe 0 points1 point ago

Struck down by spell correct once again. Damn you Google!

[–]yourstupid2 3 points4 points ago

aaaand this is why i quit facebook

[–]Erumpent 0 points1 point ago

Why I never joined.

[–]MrConfidential678 4 points5 points ago

Wait...but...I have several frinds who keep posting complaints about life! Yeah, the majority of the things my friends post are about how awesome they pretend their life is, but there are also people who treat facebook like their diary to write in how crappy they feel about everything.

[–]sphinnxx 0 points1 point ago

Yea, it gets down to the point of IDGAF all over the feed. If it's something that matters, or something that has to do with an actual friend, I'll find out from them.

[–]thenordicspirit 2 points3 points ago

[–]ScentlessAP 1 point2 points ago

This will help me sleep at night.

[–]IronLung420 1 point2 points ago

I really should delete my Facebook.

[–]tony_bruguier 1 point2 points ago

Isn't it like a social resume? Like, on your resume, you never failed at a job, and all you did was great.

[–]teklisnr 41 points42 points ago

Why does Spiderman have a portrait of himself in his office?

[–]NCVCN 25 points26 points ago

I like to think OP has a picture of himself up in his place as well.

[–]QuillDipper 21 points22 points ago

"Yes, thats the employee of the month."

"Youre unemployed though..."

unzip

"I'm still working hard, baby."

[–]aderkadouche 5 points6 points ago

Those annual performance reviews can get pretty messy.

[–]humanmanguy 8 points9 points ago

An even better question is, why does Spiderman have an office?

[–]TheSandyRavage 2 points3 points ago

Cause it's fucking spiderman.

[–]YouPeopleScareMe 0 points1 point ago

What do you think he faps to?

[–]HasThisBeenDone 31 points32 points ago

You have an interesting newsfeed? Wow, mine is full of shit

[–]yakkers09[S] 46 points47 points ago

Mine is full of misused memes and people saying they're doing something.

[–]PhiladelphiaIrish 21 points22 points ago

On the topic of misused memes, why are you spiderman?

[–]yakkers09[S] 12 points13 points ago

Why are you not spiderman?

[–]psyki 0 points1 point ago

You're all right.

[–]leftwing_rightist 4 points5 points ago

Why are you PhiladelphiaIrish?

[–]Zomonada 9 points10 points ago

He's a bartender at Paddy's Irish Pub.

[–]yakkers09[S] 3 points4 points ago

Because I like spiderman.

[–]peasant_levies 2 points3 points ago

Sample of the inane shit from my newsfeed:

"Out with the BFFs for happy hour!" "Everything happens for a reason <3" "Went on 2.4 mile run with Nike"

[–]humanmanguy 0 points1 point ago

I was going to go to compare your excerpt to my own newsfeed, but when I pressed CTRL-T I instinctively typed in "reddit" into the URL bar and ended up back here. I think that's a good sign.

[–]koolkid005 1 point2 points ago

You mean your friends are shit.

[–]PartyBusGaming 0 points1 point ago

Mine's full of hot girls I probably don't have a chance with...

[–]tarheel295 62 points63 points ago

[–]asgafrat 62 points63 points ago

[–]Mapes 56 points57 points ago

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Basbhat 14 points15 points ago

Right when I was expecting another feel my brain shouts

"DUMBASS"

[–]Spelunkers 36 points37 points ago

[–]randomhero98 0 points1 point ago

Holy fuck that's hilarious

[–]pasmeme 7 points8 points ago

[–]vuxa 29 points30 points ago

[–]Spelunkers 15 points16 points ago

[–]vuxa 13 points14 points ago

[–]Spelunkers 9 points10 points ago

[–]Spelunkers 6 points7 points ago

I thought this was going to turn into an awesome chain. Redditors, I'm calling you out! Help me continue this!

http://i.imgur.com/WOQTD.jpg

[–]vuxa 7 points8 points ago

[–]Spelunkers 11 points12 points ago

[–]pretzelguy1 7 points8 points ago

[–]asgafrat 16 points17 points ago

[–]NinjaSmurf98 5 points6 points ago

Repost, seriously why does no one else know?

[–]Mr_3AM 20 points21 points ago

-that hot chick uploaded a photo of her in her bikini- "well there goes the next 3-5 minutes."

[–]SirKeyboardCommando 10 points11 points ago

Show off.

[–]YeNdEz 1 point2 points ago

More like bragging, since we have not been shown anything . . . yet.

[–]chalz108 20 points21 points ago

Nice repost.

[–]GimmeKarma 12 points13 points ago

Yeah, where's that repost bot...

[–]silvergill 4 points5 points ago

Gah, seen this same image so many times...

[–]DrDeath666 13 points14 points ago

FUCKING REPOST MOTHER FUCKER

[–]AnorexicBuddha 2 points3 points ago

When you repost something, you should probably at least change the title. That's just lazy.

[–]WhatDoesThatMeme 1 point2 points ago

Repost...

[–]another_guy_montag 3 points4 points ago

[–]therynosaur -1 points0 points ago

More like this please

[–]p-eng -1 points0 points ago

I find these hilarious. Get spidey swag going

[–]floppypick -1 points0 points ago

I've never understood why I find them so hilarious. One of the few things that consistently make me laugh out loud.

[–]p-eng 2 points3 points ago

I think it's the fact he has no face and has the same expression in every single one.

[–]jjia25 2 points3 points ago

This is why Facebook is so depressing; everyone on it seems to have a better life than me.

[–]sirWillard 0 points1 point ago

Masturbating while on Facebook is a whole different level of creeper status.

[–]donkeyrocket 0 points1 point ago

Guess I'll be the one to ask... why are you masturbating to your newsfeed? Or watching porn in tandem to scrolling through said newsfeed? Genuinely interested, not sure if it is a level I haven't reached yet like some sort of multispanktasking.

[–]nyan_swanson 4 points5 points ago

This makes me think of life as some sort of RPG, and you just didn't spec into tthe right talent tree.

[–]Seepferdchen 0 points1 point ago

Sometimes it takes a while for the videos to buffer. Facebook feeds are good ways to kill time with your dick in your hand.

[–]Basbhat 0 points1 point ago

You never put a good movie on one side of the screen and a sexy movie on the other and see which one grabs your attention more?

really shows you what the great movies are.

[–]PackOfHighly 1 point2 points ago

Spiderman has a picture of himself in his suit on his own wall.

[–]rhunex -1 points0 points ago

My news feed is often like shouting at a wall.

At least I'm still winning(mostly).

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points ago

Superman probably has silk sperm.

[–]humanmanguy -1 points0 points ago

He probably ejaculates millions of tiny spider eggs.

[–][deleted] -1 points0 points ago

He could repopulate the world with millions of Superheroes...

[–]frogEcho -1 points0 points ago

maybe this will fix my sex block.

[–]Chip_Smith 1 point2 points ago

and that is also how i feel when i see a re post that i saw a week ago

[–]UniFreak -1 points0 points ago

This picture is as old as the internet. And I love it every time.

[–]MrConfidential678 -1 points0 points ago

Wait so...i'm the only one around here with friends who complain about life? C'mon! You can't tell me you never get people having arguments with an ex publicly!

[–]CheesusDairyMessiah -1 points0 points ago

... to the interesting people on your newsfeed.

[–]ExtraDip -1 points0 points ago

You masturbate to pictures of food and memes used incorrectly? At least that's what's on my facebook feed

[–]el-terible -1 points0 points ago

idk how i feel about these spidey memes on reddit

[–]slimseany -1 points0 points ago

I tell myself this every time I'm so bored that I eventaully check my newsfeed.

[–]weezermc78 -1 points0 points ago

I didn't know RedTube had a news feed

[–]AlmostAlwaysRight -1 points0 points ago

He can't be checking Facebook. There is no computer at the desk and I don't see a smartphone. Busted.

[–]_Indeed -1 points0 points ago

Why are Spiderman image macros so god damned funny no matter what text is over them?

[–]nothingclevertoadd -1 points0 points ago

why are you jerking off to Facebook?

[–]danielkuzmin 0 points1 point ago

Shameless repost.

[–]major_pleasure 0 points1 point ago

I know that feel all too well.

[–]fap_updates 0 points1 point ago

Join us in /r/NoFap

[–]SevenandForty 0 points1 point ago

Selection bias.

[–]NoHearts 0 points1 point ago

I'm just shamelessly gonna put this here

[–]feelingcharlie 0 points1 point ago

*WHENEVER. Nobody caught that? I'm plastered, Reddit, I expected better of you.

[–]fetusfromspace 0 points1 point ago

Wow people have such wonderful reddit posts. And I'm just sitting here reposting.

[–]Tironsi_ne_NY 1 point2 points ago

I only keep the Facebook on my page. That way i can only be jealous of my past life when i look at it : )

Rule number one of Facebook.. stay away from news feed!

[–]ashtonishing18 1 point2 points ago

My news feed is making me feel like shit more and more everyday.

[–]Auzzy11 0 points1 point ago

REPOST

[–]ch2o 0 points1 point ago

I actually laughed out loud for a while when I saw this.

[–]throwawaymechanic37 0 points1 point ago

Wanna know a secret? I do both at the same time! Woo!

[–]Flaminglump 1 point2 points ago

How i browse: hate you, hate you, spam, hate you, spam, hate you, hate you, hate you, hate you, you're cool, hate you. Fuck facebook

[–]friendlyfellow72 0 points1 point ago

Oh sweet jesus that was funny. I love spiderman macros!

[–]Stylamundo 0 points1 point ago

...to their holiday photos.

[–]ZombieNarwhal 0 points1 point ago

Did someone say spiderman thread?

[–]ashtonishing18 0 points1 point ago

Can anyone tell me what Spiderman was actually doing behind a desk? haha.

[–]grouch1980 0 points1 point ago

TIL Darren Lamb, agent to Andy Millman, is Spiderman.

[–]LiveshreddedDieMirin 1 point2 points ago

[–]Sixtythree63 -5 points-4 points ago

Upvoting for Spiderman, Down voting for repost. Upvoting for Spiderman again.

[–]Skimmerlit 1 point2 points ago

Repost.

[–]c33j44y -2 points-1 points ago

gotta love these spiderman memes. upvote my friend!

[–]tigershredder -1 points0 points ago

[–]CrazyShooter -2 points-1 points ago

You're amongst friends here sir. Don't be ashamed.

[–]Platfizzle -2 points-1 points ago

I just posted that image to my wall, come at me bros

[–]GQ4U -2 points-1 points ago

hahaha don't worry man. people make their lives out to be way more interesting than they actually are.

[–]GorgeouslyHumbl 0 points1 point ago

Facebook makes me feel lonely.

[–]Timmytanks40 -1 points0 points ago

Yeah i always look at my feed and it just seems like a few people are trying too hard to seem interesting. Like posting a status every day or having a billion pictures all of which look good and not candid in anyway. The worst is that girl who posts about what shes doing that day and then posts the accompanying photos. Usually its something uneventful that she tries to make interesting and enviable. "Omfg this Olive Garden is amazing!"

Nobody cares.

[–]Demanez 0 points1 point ago

My friend's 18 year old sister just posted a spring break album...

Yessssssss

[–]MTGandP 0 points1 point ago

That's what I think sometimes, and then I think to myself, "Do I really want to be hanging out with those people? No, I don't. I prefer my current activities."

[–]BarbieLookalike 0 points1 point ago

This got an actual lol out of me.

[–]Afternomnom -1 points0 points ago

I find that better than my quest to collect karma. Scrolls

[–]Deeezzz_Nutzz 0 points1 point ago

[–]wslawson1 0 points1 point ago

this is the premise of /r/nofap

[–]Bladvass -2 points-1 points ago

Guys, there's a subreddit for this. /r/nofap. It will help.

[–]superretardman 0 points1 point ago

Most of us are mortal you know.

[–]discostalin -1 points0 points ago

I love these classic spiderman memes.

SOMEONE LINK ME MORE ASAP. I NEED 2 LAFF!!!

[–]Hotjazzsax -2 points-1 points ago

I'll say what I said the first time I saw this posted on reddit. Why are you masturbating to Facebook?

[–]ZeldaFaggot 4 points5 points ago

Why are you not?

[–]Hotjazzsax 0 points1 point ago

touche*