this post was submitted on
1,234 points (57% like it)
4,873 up votes 3,639 down votes

AdviceAnimals

subscribe1,412,431 readers

2,124 users here now

If you are into Heavy Metal, make sure you check out r/MetalMemes!

Welcome to r/AdviceAnimals

Sound advice from animals anything!

Rules

  • We're here to have a laugh, don't get too serious.

  • Follow the general Advice Animal format. Two line setup or a pinwheel background

  • No reposts, if you didn't make it, don't post it.

  • No verticals or staredad comics. At all.

  • No posting memes you saw in real life.

  • Don't make memes about your friends in real life. Ever.

  • Shortened links (tinyurl, bit.ly, etc.) are not trusted by the spamfilter and will be automatically removed. Please refrain from using them.

Making Memes

Visit:

or use

  1. Please keep the 'advice' relevant to the character. If you're not sure, go to knowyourmeme.com.

  2. If you'd like to use AdviceAnimals in your comments, here's how.

Messaging the mods

  1. We are always happy to help. Please attach a link to the comments of your submission and a description of the question/problem you are having.

  2. If you can't see your submission in the new queue and think it has been filtered as spam, please double check that your new queue is ranked by new and not rising.

  3. If you still think it is in the spam filter, don’t delete your submission, message the mods instead. Deleting it will make the spam filter more likely to filter you next time you post.

  4. click here to message the moderators

  5. click here to request a new flair to be made

You might also enjoy:

Our Family

and Friends

Good Guy Gregs check the new queue


created by mesutima community for

reddit is a source for what's new and popular online. vote on links that you like or dislike and help decide what's popular, or submit your own! learn more ›

top 200 commentsshow all 238

[–]Ron_Mahogany 127 points128 points ago

One hand back of neck and shoulders.. other hand lower back and bum!

[–]IAmRightListenToMe 130 points131 points ago

Or both hands on neck.

[–]voiceoftreasun 252 points253 points ago

This makes it easy to rotate the jaw around and simulate consciousness.

[–]thisremindsmeofbacon 98 points99 points ago

this kills the girl.

[–]tehbertl 56 points57 points ago

... unless she's already dead, of course.

[–]Faded_Chucks 28 points29 points ago

Which unsurprisingly enough, a number of redditors are into.

[–]Bladewing10 18 points19 points ago

Who isn't?

[–]Faded_Chucks 32 points33 points ago

Necrophobics.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]joebates25 12 points13 points ago

you had to ask

/r/necrophilia

[–]poptart2nd 6 points7 points ago

and of course, violentacrez is one of the top posts. ಠ_ಠ

[–]Grizak 10 points11 points ago

DON'T. CLICK. THAT. POST.

DON'T.

[–]xMIASMAx 3 points4 points ago

What for necro? If not there will be soon now.

[–]R3M_X 4 points5 points ago

Welcome to reddit, I will be your guide.

[–]rapscal_2002 4 points5 points ago

Congrats, you made me laugh out loud for the first time in a while

[–]shadyk84 12 points13 points ago

Then wherever the hell you want afterwards.

[–]2legittoquit 17 points18 points ago

Thumbs locked firmly around the windpipe...

[–]pauerplayer35 5 points6 points ago

both hands on ass is the way to go! handful of ass ftw

[–]Stevenutz 5 points6 points ago

Or both hands on bum.

[–]cyanonyx117 0 points1 point ago

Or both hands in bum.

[–]mgwesner 8 points9 points ago

Hey everyone! This guys been with a girl!

[–]Ron_Mahogany 0 points1 point ago

I'm not a slut!!!!

[–][deleted] 233 points234 points ago

Oh my lord, man, there's so many great things to do with your hands. Both on hips. One on ass. One on back. Both on back, bringing her as close as possible. Sliding up and down her side, brushing the side of her boob. Brushing her cheek. Holding one or both of her hands. Grabbing her neck. And my all time favorite, BOTH HANDS RUNNING THROUGH HER HAIR AS I KISS THE EVERLOVING BEJEEZUS OUT OF HER. Ladies.

[–]shmusername 136 points137 points ago

This girl approves of all options listed above.

[–][deleted] 35 points36 points ago

Can I try ?

[–]TimeLordOfTheRings 60 points61 points ago

No.

[–]italia06823834 21 points22 points ago

Your username combines the two of the things I love most in this world.

[–]TimeLordOfTheRings 24 points25 points ago

I did it just for you.

[–]italia06823834 3 points4 points ago

[–]TracyMorganFreeman 6 points7 points ago

One day my day will come.

[–]TimeLordOfTheRings 0 points1 point ago

I wasn't really sure who's voice to read this in after looking at your username.

[–]krispwnsu 2 points3 points ago

No means no usually applies to the person being asked.

[–]BatmansNygma 1 point2 points ago

I second the motion

[–]jevmorgan 0 points1 point ago

I remember when I first started dating my (now) fiancee, we were making out on our third date. We ended up doing sexytimes that night for the first time because of my hand usage, doing pretty much all the things liverbest just listed.

So, that being said, hands are important!

[–]BigFatBlackMan 44 points45 points ago

"Grabbing her neck"

Noice.

[–]BigCheeseyNuggets 19 points20 points ago

Noice.

[–]strawman99 16 points17 points ago

Noice

[–]ShakespearInTheAlley 16 points17 points ago

Noice, ya cunt.

[–]hotfrost 5 points6 points ago

Oi crikey, that's Noice!

[–]here_for_the_lols 1 point2 points ago

SO hot today. no-ice

[–]turkeysnake 14 points15 points ago

[–]here_for_the_lols 5 points6 points ago

Best 1hr 40 of my life

[–]Maxables 3 points4 points ago

What the shit.

[–]SockPuppetDinosaur 0 points1 point ago

Noice

[–]bennyboy0227 2 points3 points ago

This is the easiest karma train ever!

Noice.

[–]ueptvoovtpeu 0 points1 point ago

Noiiiiice!!

[–]SFreestyler 36 points37 points ago

ITT: things that make me miss my ex.

[–]Rustysporkman 15 points16 points ago

I know that feel bro.

You wanna... you wanna, you know...

Nah, nevermind...

[–]Zondraxor 6 points7 points ago

'Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

[–]Cpl_Ketchup 0 points1 point ago

[–]Sporkinat0r 1 point2 points ago

that....BITCH!

[–]Maxables 0 points1 point ago

Our feels are resonating.

[–]DownvoteAttractor 7 points8 points ago

You forgot hand up shirt.

[–]BlackZeppelin 1 point2 points ago

One on the waist the other on a boob.

[–]I_cut_my_own_jib 14 points15 points ago

It's official. I can't read anything even slightly related to girls anymore without getting a boner.

[–]tonterias 4 points5 points ago

How about that story of Sarah, a cute and shy 11 year old, that got her first period and her father kicked her out from its home for not being pure anymore?

[–]I_cut_my_own_jib 13 points14 points ago

Just stay calm. Don't think about it. Don't think about it. Tractors. Cell phones...damn it.

[–]SuddenlyTimewarp 4 points5 points ago

kicked her out from its home

noice

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

Dammit now I miss my boyfriend.

[–]DTX120 2 points3 points ago

This is a good post, but fuck you anyway. :p Recently broke up, will be excited to do this again.

[–]kujustin 0 points1 point ago

Can we just rename this sub-reddit to AdviceAnimalsForCollegeFreshmen.? Do any adults talk like this?

[–]deannapolis 1 point2 points ago

My favorite: both hands holding the face. Oh man. Instant ladyboner.

[–]SockPuppetDinosaur 0 points1 point ago

Holding the back of her head is my favorite. I just get the area between my thumb and index finger and put her ear there and it feels right.

All the rest of those imply wanting to take it to the next level (intent of sexy times!) where as mine, grabbing her neck and holding her hair/hands all feel very sensual and let her know you're kissing her because you love her.

Damn I miss my girlfriend.

[–]nosico 305 points306 points ago

Protip: Avoid these awkward situations completely; always be holding two coffee mugs.

[–]Ash_Ketchup 68 points69 points ago

Jack Donaghy reference. Nice

[–]nick1231 32 points33 points ago

Just spent 20 minutes trying to find a gif of Jack forgetting how to walk... just use your imagination.

[–]AnonymousKevin 28 points29 points ago

Someone should register that HyperCam

[–]Montisa2008 6 points7 points ago

Fraps>Bandicam>Camtasia>Hypercam

[–]xMIASMAx 4 points5 points ago

Everytime I see hypercam I think of Runescpae.

[–]JuzPwn 39 points40 points ago

Rub her flaps.

[–]R3M_X 13 points14 points ago

Comb her wings

[–]Bad_Advice_Cat 13 points14 points ago

Brush her mane

[–]SuddenlyTimewarp 10 points11 points ago

stimulate her receptors

[–]MisinterpretingJokes 2 points3 points ago

Give her trunk a good tug.

[–]iAmericA45 1 point2 points ago

Chibb the jibbs.

[–]KommandoLando 31 points32 points ago

Same thing you would do in a canoe...STROKE! STROKE! STROKE!

[–]hikemhigh 13 points14 points ago

"I'm going as fast as I can Mr. Burns!"

"No not you! I'm having a stroke!"

[–]zserf -1 points0 points ago

I thought that was from Hey Arnold, not the Simpsons.

[–]ParakeetNipple 3 points4 points ago

Stroke me, stroke me.

[–]fucksmith 112 points113 points ago

One goes in the sausage hole, the other goes in the pooper.

[–]kerminsr 72 points73 points ago

You'd better listen to this guy. His username implies that he definitely knows what he's talking about.

[–]mastercoolkid 38 points39 points ago

Well obviously. You don't get a name like that for no reason.

[–]Good_Guy_James 14 points15 points ago

But of course, you can't just CLAIM that name on the internet. It takes years of studying and practice and coaching. You have to seriously work at that.

[–]AutoEroticCastration 14 points15 points ago

Exactly. How do you think I got this name?

[–]russscott 12 points13 points ago

I'd prefer not to...

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]thisguykills 6 points7 points ago

OR ME

[–]gneiss_too_meat_ewe 3 points4 points ago

You sound like you work in a slaughterhouse right now.

[–]navi_jackson 2 points3 points ago

That's where my first make out party was.

[–]DimitriK 0 points1 point ago

I snickered.

[–]Potogreen 20 points21 points ago

squeeze her ass, nice and hard. use your other hand to caress her neck as you reach up and take a nice firm grip of her hair.

90% of the time, works every time.

[–]OuchMyButthole 10 points11 points ago

Lady boner activated

[–]aronatom 17 points18 points ago

hands on hips, hands on tits

[–]zdominator86 9 points10 points ago

But that would imply I have more than 2 hands.. wait.. I'm good since I'm an octopus

[–]Dat_Karmavore 0 points1 point ago

Go to japan, you won't be putting those around the waist.

[–]spacecakebaker 11 points12 points ago

good thing I was too drunk to care the first time

[–]illmatic707 5 points6 points ago

You started drinking before you made out with a girl? Damn son

[–]NaviiAut 0 points1 point ago

Here in Austria, drinking beer is legal at the age of 16 so there might be a few people who started drinking before they made out.

[–]spacecakebaker 0 points1 point ago

Well, the legal drinking age in my country is 16. most people start at 14

[–]Kensin 6 points7 points ago

good for one of you anyway...

[–]BR5497 44 points45 points ago

Your options:

'Go for Gold' : Double ass grab

'Liek a BAU5' : play tetris behind her back

[–]KingOfSodomy 6 points7 points ago

tits

[–]imtwelveandwhatsthis 10 points11 points ago

Both hands on your peener. Present the goods.

[–]nevets78 27 points28 points ago

two hands on a man two boobs on a woman. Checkmate atheists!

[–]ReyTheRed 15 points16 points ago

Two hands on a woman, two boobs on a woman. Checkmate homophobes.

[–]Dat_Karmavore 15 points16 points ago

One mouth on a man, one penis on a horse.

Check mate, zoophobes.

[–]TheShowsNotOver 4 points5 points ago

Dear lord, it makes so much damned sense

[–]blakeathey 7 points8 points ago

put one hand one the lower jaw and the other above the forehead, then twist.....gets 'em every time;)

[–]workingalot 4 points5 points ago

okay she is now laying there lifelessly, now what?

[–]InfantSpore 2 points3 points ago

You keep going. Jesus, it's like I have to spoon-feed it to you!

[–]lodf 6 points7 points ago

If you're in a bed and she's on top, a hand keeping away her hair on one side, the other on the neck.

[–]scuttleking 15 points16 points ago

Protip: always put both hands In her urethra

[–]Dat_Karmavore 7 points8 points ago

This warms the hands.

[–]moxiedrinker82 6 points7 points ago

Touch cheek, hold back of head/neck, put one on the lower back and pull her closer...

[–]Smokyo7 8 points9 points ago

Put your less dominant hand on her lower back, the other hand place on her cheek with your fingers against the back of her head passionately holding her against your lips. Works like a charm for making chicks think you give a fuck. This also then allows for the hand which was on the lower back to eventually wander its way to other places while still maintaining the giving a fuck connection.

[–]NoICantDiggIt 1 point2 points ago

I can't imagine you are over thinking where you might put your hands when you have sex for the first time then

[–]tricky3737 2 points3 points ago

Start those hands respectable, then get to work!

[–]thegreatwhitemenace 2 points3 points ago

put them on the soft parts

[–]RicoLoma 2 points3 points ago

Thumb on her forehead. Other hand on shoulder.

Then proceed to give back her bending

[–]Nonbeing 1 point2 points ago

Duh, you use them to goatse her asshole.

[–]rocknrollercoaster 1 point2 points ago

Caress man!

[–]J_Pow 1 point2 points ago

Ah, not the Ricky Bobby quote I was expecting. Figured it would be "Please let her be 18."

[–]smelvin0 0 points1 point ago

Shocker!

[–]asmellybanana 0 points1 point ago

What would Patrick Bateman do?

[–]ninja_skittle7 0 points1 point ago

Also not sure if this boner is goin to get me in trouble or not...

[–]Stinkfingers 0 points1 point ago

tits or gtfo. She'll be down, otherwise it never hurts to get your fingers a little dirty.

[–]Apples_That_Scream 0 points1 point ago

Go to boobtown.

[–]TheLoveTin 1 point2 points ago

Shoulders, butt, boobies

[–]DetectiveClownMD 0 points1 point ago

The natural jiggalo I am, I decided to force her face onto mine by pressing the back of her head. Take 14 yr old me's pro tip kids, ladies love feeling like your swallowing their face. So awkward.

[–]bulltank 0 points1 point ago

RUB THEM ALL OVER HER BODY

[–]VeryProudhonOfYa 0 points1 point ago

One hand on back, one hand on far thigh near the knee.

[–]pjwork 0 points1 point ago

Just ask yourself, WWQCD(What Would Questionable Content Do)?

To THE BUTT!

[–]Thameus 0 points1 point ago

Relevant: not too bright, though. Edit: wasn't too bright.

[–]regukatu 0 points1 point ago

ass

[–]im_too_literal 0 points1 point ago

General rule: if you're okay with her being close to your dick, hands somewhere on the back (or back of head). If you aren't--and yes, there are some legitimate reasons for this to be the case--hands on tits.

[–]00Svo 0 points1 point ago

grab dat ass

[–]bodaciousbilly 0 points1 point ago

Butt.

[–]ReyTheRed 1 point2 points ago

Anywhere other than boobs, butt, or groin.

Gently holding their head works pretty well, as does holding their hand. As you get more comfortable together you can gently move into the aforementioned areas.

[–]innersarcasm 1 point2 points ago

Times like these make me question the average age of redditors...supposedly its 25.

[–]LeGiTiOn 1 point2 points ago

Morgan Freeman has cotton candy. Im 13. Your argument is invalid.

[–]discostupid 0 points1 point ago

my favourite is one hand caressing her neck, the other hand on her cheek or in her hair

both elbows brushing nipples

[–]VernacularSpctacular 0 points1 point ago

Do it like you're dancing one hand on the lower back and one hand on the shoulder. Also gives good control if you need to guide the situation to a more well... horizontal plane.

[–]Dokbokki 0 points1 point ago

HANDS ON HER ASS

[–]ZuesAndHisBeard -1 points0 points ago

Happy cake day!

[–]helloryan 0 points1 point ago

In all seriousness, do what feels natural.

[–]toxickiller 0 points1 point ago

I had the opposite problems, I had way to many things to do with my hands (touch ALL the things)

[–]nosferatu_zodd 0 points1 point ago

grab her ass dude there's 2 cheeks, you got 2 hands. Go for it.

[–]Anaract 0 points1 point ago

directly into pants. They love that. trust me.

[–]darkniteofdeath 0 points1 point ago

I bet 1/2 the guys on here are gonna look up what should they do now as if they will ever get the chance.

[–]byondthewall -1 points0 points ago

Palms are too sweaty anyway

[–]Corwinator 0 points1 point ago

Protip: If sitting, use one hand to prop yourself up, and use the other to put your hand on her neck with your thumb around her ear.

If standing, use both hands in that way.

Next step: Panties drop.

[–]Careb 0 points1 point ago

Grab the ass.

[–]malek24 0 points1 point ago

Dear god... I was like a zombie goldifsh. Cue embarrassed flushed face now.

[–]SpRedditOn 0 points1 point ago

More like "I don't know what to do with my tongue".

[–]B4rrow 0 points1 point ago

I always put my hands on the hips. Bitches love the hips.

[–]Dudash 0 points1 point ago

lucky paraplegics, not having to worry about this kinda stuff.

[–]prariedan 0 points1 point ago

Step 1: place both hands on breasts Step 2: there is no step 2

[–]Athene_Wins 0 points1 point ago

Play with boobs. Girls love that. You may think it aint but it do

[–]Lemon_Tile 0 points1 point ago

They're called boobs my friend. Also ass

[–]iliketits1320 0 points1 point ago

Grab her ass, pussy.

[–]AlexWilliamRoss 0 points1 point ago

Thighs, back and boobs oh my!

[–]bubble_bee_tuna 0 points1 point ago

BOOBS! That's what hands are for!

[–]Kanex 0 points1 point ago

As a general rule: one gently on the back of the neck, one more firmly on the hip/lower back/butt

[–]PatTrickTruck 0 points1 point ago

I use this song to guide what i do with my hands

http://youtu.be/GIg3_ar5giQ

[–]lukekvas 0 points1 point ago

TOUCH HER BODY!

[–]FateofNorns 0 points1 point ago

Grab the waist band of her jeans (if applicable) and pull her close to you. Works every time (60% of the time).

[–]BlackZeppelin 0 points1 point ago

This makes more sense with the title "when I got my first blow job"

[–]ImgurGotBoring 0 points1 point ago

As a girl.. One hand on each cheek. And I don't mean ass cheek lol

[–]CaptainFantasy19 -1 points0 points ago

Happy 30th birthday!

[–]I_FISTED_MY_GRANDMA 0 points1 point ago

Caress the nutsack.

[–]soapman5 1 point2 points ago

1 word: Boobies

[–]EastVanD 0 points1 point ago

Left hand on face, right hand on boob or bum. Alternate, repeat.

[–]krispwnsu 0 points1 point ago

Caress her back in public. Grab her ass in private.

[–]hooyoh55 0 points1 point ago

Yeah, I totally relate to that kind of situation that I have definitely been in before in my life :|

[–]Doomdoomkittydoom 0 points1 point ago

Solving a Rubik's cube is an option...

[–]crosby510 0 points1 point ago

You're going to want to take this opportunity to grab yourself two nice handfuls of ass

[–]mytouchmyself 0 points1 point ago

I just felt like my hands were overbooked. So many things to be touching, and just two hands to do all of it.

[–]PollysLithium 0 points1 point ago

That would be me as a girl making out with a boy.

[–]Slayer5227 0 points1 point ago

Okay so I just made out with my gf for the first time tonight I had no problem with the hands but what do I do with the tongue, do we just have to practice (first make out session for us both)

[–]iAmericA45 0 points1 point ago

The obvious choice is both fists in mouth.

[–]The_Blackest_Man 0 points1 point ago

  1. Place hands firmly on her ass.
  2. Squeeze.
  3. If you don't get slapped, you're getting laid.

[–]Insideoutwards 0 points1 point ago

It's not that hard is it? I mean, it's almost instinctual. If not, try touching/stroking yourself gently in various places while masturbating. Even with the differences between men and women, there are still enough commonalities that you can learn a thing or two just from masturbating.

[–]PlayDiaPlay 0 points1 point ago

Just feel up on her... just saying...

[–]jamesbiff 0 points1 point ago

one hand under her arm and around the top of her back and the other on the small of her back to pull her close to you.

[–]serenduckity 0 points1 point ago

I made this exact reference with my best friend upon her making out with a guy for the first time (she being a late in the game, 24-year-old face sucker)... This was seriously 3 weeks ago at a bar, she was giving me the rundown on her adventures in sexy time, and we proceeded to mime this and find this exact gif... What I'm saying is... who the hell has been listening to our conversations?!!!

[–]break156 0 points1 point ago

just grab her body closer. what is wrong with reddit? are there any men on here?

[–]Nagsatish 0 points1 point ago

get your fingers wet...

[–]Clit_Commander 0 points1 point ago

2 hands, 2 tits...just sayin...

[–]tallkerry -1 points0 points ago

unrelated HAPPY CAKE DAY!!!!!!!!!!

[–]revjeremyduncan 0 points1 point ago

boobs

[–]dinozauru_fertil 0 points1 point ago

Take her wrists and hold her hands behind her back HHHHHNNNNG I love doing that.

[–]its_a_pugs_life 0 points1 point ago

so beta

[–]CatrickStrayze 0 points1 point ago

highschool problems

[–]LnRon 0 points1 point ago

Where ever on her body basically.