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top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]WalrusInMySheets 273 points274 points ago

You're the reason that my children will have to use an odd combination of letters and numbers as usernames one day.

[–]TheInternetHivemind 87 points88 points ago

Eh, we'll just make up new letters.

Actually this is english, we'll just steal them from other languages.

[–]cdcformatc 126 points127 points ago

XxĐäŘķŁƟřƉxX

[–]emu420 84 points85 points ago

šκȣтявøı

Ĥ4Ж0ŔīǮǮ7

ӾӾƱßƐŔSИĪṖƐŔӾӾ

[–]SuperSural 98 points99 points ago

Looks like my Steam friends list.

[–]FajitaofTreason 20 points21 points ago

Your friends might be corrupted. Time to buy new friends.

[–]Zandrel 57 points58 points ago

I'm so excited for when we steal å.

[–]xDividedByZer0 65 points66 points ago

Yes please, I want å.

And ø.

And someday æ.

[–]Raintrail 38 points39 points ago

ø and æ are such posers. ö and ä is where it's at.

[–]iamacrazyengineer 8 points9 points ago

Want to one-up...but on my mobile. Want to make quick meme of first world problems with previous sentence...but on my mobile.

[–]Th3MetalHead 14 points15 points ago

Do you mean å,ä and ö?

[–]Dildo_Ball_Baggins 20 points21 points ago

Ÿėš

[–]Smelly-cat 32 points33 points ago

STARGÅTE

[–]TheInternetHivemind 14 points15 points ago

ф,я, and ю are where it's at.

[–]tyrroi 23 points24 points ago

They wont have to unless people are using the same website for 10 years which is unlikely.

[–]camelFace 57 points58 points ago

[–]Tdaug1996 10 points11 points ago

Tom's Hardware! :D

[–]curt_schilli 11 points12 points ago

People make Wikipedia accounts?

[–]JasonGD1982 27 points28 points ago

Somebody has to contribute to Wikipedia. Even I take for granted that someone went through and gave a concise and informative synopsis of that show(enter here any show on television). Sometimes I think it's the studio or some marketer for the show but sometimes I imagine it's a guy in a one bedroom studio apartment smoking cigarettes and drinking schlitz beer watching and taking notes on every Star Trek: TNG and going excitedly to his computer and typing his latest summary

[–]Bassoonapus 10 points11 points ago

That's actually really sad

[–]BenKenobi88 9 points10 points ago

It's for the greater good.

[–]AlexanderSalamander 3 points4 points ago

If it makes him happy, how is it sad?

[–]DroogyParade 3 points4 points ago

I made one once.

[–]Dave_Vai 855 points856 points ago

It's worse in the real world.

I went into a casino in Glasgow for the 'first' time a few weeks ago. I gave them my name and ID and they asked if I was sure I wasn't a member there.

I told them I wasn't.

They suggested and kept hinting I was a member.

I refused to accept this.

Then they told me my address and turned the computer screen to show me my profile picture, which was me, in a rather dishevelled state of being.

[–]RudyBagels 748 points749 points ago

You were in here last week, you stood right in that spot and asked me how tight security was. It's tight as a drum, sir.

[–]Aserapha 272 points273 points ago

Just who do you think I am?

[–]Thunderkleize[!] 236 points237 points ago

Are you sure this isn't a test?

[–]HunterTV 158 points159 points ago

You're Mr. Durden, sir. You're the one who gave me this.

[–]youremomsoriginal 99 points100 points ago

Please return your seatbacks to their full, upright and locked position.

[–]bajafresk 38 points39 points ago

Ladies and gentleman, we have just lost cabin pressure

[–]iamacrazyengineer 79 points80 points ago

Four out of five of these quotes were googled.

[–]vertigo1083 49 points50 points ago

You could fuck up a wet dream.

[–]It_does_get_in 7 points8 points ago

I want your abortion.

[–]engage117 12 points13 points ago

guys seriously, what is the FIRST rule of fight club god damnit.

[–]midnightsbane04 7 points8 points ago

You're actually the first in this karma train to fully state just what was being referenced. So technically you are the one to talk about it.

[–]youremomsoriginal 22 points23 points ago

OK I'll be honest. I swear that I knew the quote, but wanted to be 100% sure (wouldn't wanna be wrong on the internet, how embarrassing would that be?) so I Googled it just to be sure.

I didn't know that would be against the rules. Apologies.

[–]tommygrubz 9 points10 points ago

Always Google first on the internets. ALWAYS.

[–]xrawfish 5 points6 points ago

Everything is a test.

[–]markerz 103 points104 points ago

For those who are confused, this is from the movie Fight Club, which I just watched for the first time last night.

[–]georgemikefunke 92 points93 points ago

Welcome to the rest of your life sir!

[–]ohsothisisreddit 87 points88 points ago

Today will be the most beautiful day of markerz's life. His breakfast will taste better than any meal you and I have ever had.

[–]JohnnyMaudDibby 9 points10 points ago

Even Red Lobster biscuits?

[–]schmitz97 4 points5 points ago

Well shit, now that you mention it...

[–]Bunnyhat 10 points11 points ago

Should we congratulate him or shun him for while for the heathen he was?

[–]I_MAKE_USERNAMES 46 points47 points ago

Pretty sure you were the last person on Reddit who hadn't seen Fight Club, so probably no confusion.

edit: to all the people out there who are/have already replied 'i haven't seen it!', please don't because I could not give less of a shit. There are millions of people on this website, and I am WELL aware there are people who haven't seen it on here. It was a joke.

[–]Kornstalx 26 points27 points ago

I still haven't seen it, but have no inclination to because reddit has already spoiled everything.

[–]MeowNeko 8 points9 points ago

Do yourself a favour and see it anyway. What's the worst thing that could happen?

[–]runtheplacered 12 points13 points ago

He could get heavily fined for downloading it and have to drop out of college. All because you just had to say something and get your little bit of comment karma in. Fine, take my fucking upvote, if it means that much.

[–]Lovethenwhat 41 points42 points ago

Bro, you're gonna miss out on some real DEEP philosophical lessons like CONSUMERISM SUCKS!! and CREDIT IS ONLY SO THE RICH CAN PROFIT!!

[–]mattorantimatt 8 points9 points ago

Also, with a gun barrel between your teeth, you speak only in vowels.

[–]Basbhat 4 points5 points ago

fight club isn't a movie that depends on details of the plot being revealed. it can make for an entertaining first viewing but there is so much more to fight club if you think you don't need to watch it because someone spoiled the ending then you are sorely mistaken

[–]Kornstalx 5 points6 points ago

I believe you, I'll put it back near the top of my queue. Don't get me wrong, I used to watch tons of movies and have my own favorites that I'd say <what you just said> to another person about, so I understand.

[–]spartacus- 82 points83 points ago

Should've asked them the date and then freaked out. "It didn't work! I only made it back to 2012! How can I stop the prophecy now?! We're all doomed!"

[–]AgamemnonV1 47 points48 points ago

WHAT YEAR IS IT

[–]ChickenShoes 20 points21 points ago

Alternatively: "I found him, I found my clone! I must kill him and steal his power."

[–]Neelpos 10 points11 points ago

"I must kill him and steal my power."

[–]The_Salesman 37 points38 points ago

No cards counting in that casino, they have your address and your face...

[–]WhipIash 25 points26 points ago

It's not illegal... .

[–]snapyobagels 19 points20 points ago

It is "against policy" though. They will ban you for life and will urge other casinos within their network of communication to do the same.

[–]nbrennan 25 points26 points ago

And then the disguises begin.

[–]Kornstalx 14 points15 points ago

Wearing disguises isn't illegal, either.

[–]hockal00gy 50 points51 points ago

Unless it's someone else's skin. I found that out yesterday.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Dildo_Ball_Baggins 5 points6 points ago

It seems like a lot of things aren't officially illegal, just frowned upon so much that you get banned for life.

[–]steamfolk 15 points16 points ago

Casinos used to, maybe still do, have a lot of ties to organized crime, at least in the States. Maybe they don't want to prosecute.

[–]Kornstalx 34 points35 points ago

They used to have ties to organized crime. I mean they still do, but they used to, too.

[–]Strangely_Calm 12 points13 points ago

I miss Mitch.

[–]audacian 17 points18 points ago

Why wouldn't they just show the screen to you in the first place?

[–]Dave_Vai 45 points46 points ago

Because they were setting me up for a fall.... And boy did I fall.

[–]Castle03 7 points8 points ago

Maybe you had just been to a different casino somewhere else that was owned by the same chain of casinos. Once you've registered in one, you can sign in at them all.

[–]noddwyd 9 points10 points ago

oh. Past life maybe...

[–]Pokemon_Name_Rater 4 points5 points ago

I'm a member of at least 3 casinos in Glasgow and I'm not a gambling man. But the one at the Quay gets you free soft drinks and the occasional free food. Casinos are great.

[–]starktor 991 points992 points ago

confused Gandalf used the way it was supposed to be used.

[–]s4r9am 141 points142 points ago

I thought I missed something again. I never left, I swear.

[–]redditisforphaggots 61 points62 points ago

That meme popped into my head as soon as I read the title, but it's still the most appropriate usage I've seen.

[–]RESET-REWIND 204 points205 points ago

Then they send you the password to some old ass email, which you also don't know the password for.

[–]Hoobleton 181 points182 points ago

And I sure as shit can't remember the bullshit answers my 12 year old self gave for security questions.

[–]TIGGER_WARNING 120 points121 points ago

That's why you choose stupid security answers that you'll always remember.

Favorite childhood hero? AQUAMAN

Favorite high school teacher? JESUS

Favorite uncle? WALTER CRONKITE

[–]I_MAKE_USERNAMES 191 points192 points ago

ain't nobody's favorite hero aquaman

[–]yanksrock1000 58 points59 points ago

That's why it's a stupid security answer

[–]I_MAKE_USERNAMES 5 points6 points ago

Yeah, but it is so far-fetched it would probably trigger some sort of alarm and not let you use it.

[–]SparklepireBETCH 51 points52 points ago

"Why don't you come over here in the water and say that?"

[–]RollTide09 4 points5 points ago

Vince

[–]Korniax 41 points42 points ago

The worst is when you can set the security question as well.

Q:fuck you

A:123

[–]TIGGER_WARNING 22 points23 points ago

You can ignore the question entirely. That makes things a lot easier.

It's smart to do anyway, because a lot of sites, especially ones with a direct line to your credit card, make you give answers for multiple security questions of different types (often person, place, date). I'm not going to put down a relative or pet's name, where I was born, or a significant date. Any basic personal information is easily guessed by someone who knows you and easily discovered by someone who doesn't. But nobody's going to bruteforce "aquaman" in 3 guesses.

[–]ramesali786 25 points26 points ago

I am now.

[–]thecaveisreallydark 19 points20 points ago

My dad's email login wasn't working a few months ago, and he asked me to take a look. He's not very technically inclined and I originally set up the account for him several years ago.

Security question: "What is the nickname of your youngest child?"

I am his youngest child. He does not have a nickname for me. The nickname that I use among my friends did not work. Guess that email is never getting recovered...

[–]scnavi 40 points41 points ago

Did you try "whoopsie"

[–]Psychol324 13 points14 points ago

I'm sorry to say that but you're not his youngest child...

[–]WinterIsntComing 4 points5 points ago

Lost 24 months of Xbox Live to this bullshit.

[–]Szalkow 15 points16 points ago

Even better, they send it to a school address which was deactivated years ago.

[–]DatJazz 10 points11 points ago

this has happened to me on paypal. I have an email address i cant access because in the time i havnt used it it started spanning people so it got blocked, that was linked to paypal with a password i dont know so now i cant get into it for a refund i had from a previous product. quite annoying.

[–]moukou9 6 points7 points ago

Don't forget when you get an email from a random pornsite for a subscription. Because somebody decided to use your email instead of theirs.

[–]celestialwolf 47 points48 points ago

That's how my current account came to be. It says I've been active for 2 years, but it's really been like 5-6 months or something.

[–]fluffkomix 18 points19 points ago

same here. I have no idea when, but eventually it'll say three years and i'm excited for that

[–]YellowPudding 6 points7 points ago

Your Reddit birthday is on October 30th!

[–]theodrixx 3 points4 points ago

You killed the mystery.

It's dead now.

[–]rabidhamster87 4 points5 points ago

Where do you find this?

[–]celesteyay 36 points37 points ago

Listen, I know Celeste probably isn't your name and definitely isn't fully in your screen name but I always get super jealous when all the Jeff's and Jeff-tastic usernames(and other common names) get together for a little pow-wow in the comments section, so we're doing this, OK?

fellow Celeste checking in!

[–]LtCloud 8 points9 points ago

I laughed at "pow-wow in the comments section"

[–]stayonmysidetonight 7 points8 points ago

My old boss' name is Celeste. I'll tell her you said hi.

[–]TheMauveAvenger 3 points4 points ago

I'm no Celeste but I wish you luck in finding your kin.

[–]Goblerone 43 points44 points ago

I got very lucky and landed a gmail address of just my first name.

I get daily spam of people using it to register for random online dating and web game sites.

[–]xDividedByZer0 29 points30 points ago

Not so lucky now, are ya?

[–]Goblerone 19 points20 points ago

What's the worst is that since they are actual official emails, they're technically not spam at all, and pass right through Google's filters.

[–]TheJonesJonesJones 3 points4 points ago

I have my first and last name @gmail.com and I intercept a decent amount of office communication not met for me. Recently I got a receipt to something in another state that had the dude's phone number on it. I texted him and eventually found out his email was actually myname19@gmail.com.

[–]Styx92 33 points34 points ago

Windows Live anyone?

[–]PISS_IN_MY_COCK 4 points5 points ago

Windows Live?

What about MSN? or ICQ

[–]Tdaug1996 4 points5 points ago

fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu! yes...

[–]thebigm101 324 points325 points ago

I tried using my dad's email on a porn site once ( he never checks it) it turns out he already had an account.....

[–]red321red321 527 points528 points ago

you both like the same porn

father son bonding <3

[–]bultonic 202 points203 points ago

A family that faps together, stays together.

[–]Dominiking 294 points295 points ago

A family that faps together, sticks together. Ftfy

[–]PixelMagic 54 points55 points ago

My wife wondered why I was laughing, looked at the above comment and went "Ewwwwww! That's so gross!" Well done.

[–]PixelMagic 25 points26 points ago

Actually, it was more like...

http://i.imgur.com/bZO2n.gif

[–]Dundasbro 5 points6 points ago

Its a family recipe! Handed down from my fathers father to my father to me!

[–]giantpieceoftoast 42 points43 points ago

I just had a horrifying image in my head of my own family. Thanks bro.

[–]stillalone 35 points36 points ago

I feel like a "your mom" joke is appropriate here but I'm drawing a blank.

[–]MegaBattleJesus 71 points72 points ago

I draw blanks by the time I'm done with your mother.

[–]drachenstern 5 points6 points ago

Shame you're not shooting blanks

Now you and he have a lot more in common than you thought!

[–]benjgvps 5 points6 points ago

which head?

[–]jabb0 9 points10 points ago

Hand me the lotion Son.

[–]UnderDogs 5 points6 points ago

Well yeah, with all that human adhesive...

[–]jaysun92 44 points45 points ago

Hopefully not a site for Father-Son bondage.

[–]eetsumkaus 12 points13 points ago

father son bondage

FTFY

[–]ThatJesterJeff 3 points4 points ago

they both watch the same porn
father son fapping <==3

[–]mynamesafad 80 points81 points ago

I am going to call bullshit on this. No one is going to use their Dads email address to register for a porn site, even if he doesn't check it.

[–]I_MAKE_USERNAMES 36 points37 points ago

Making a new e-mail address would take SECONDS! Better use my dad's e-mail!

[–]Tdaug1996 3 points4 points ago

that boner could go away any millisecond...

[–]thebigm101 44 points45 points ago

Shut up kids can be really stupid sometimes

[–]heretoplay 14 points15 points ago

A lot of porn sites share the same login.

[–]thebigm101 14 points15 points ago

I just keep telling myself someone hacked my dads account

[–]Forbizzle 5 points6 points ago

Because, e-mails are so hard to come by.

[–]xxsmokealotxx 83 points84 points ago

the worst is (one site I have to use regularly does this) when you forget your password and your not allowed to use one you've EVER used before.... nice way to guarantee I'll have to change it every single time I log in..

[–]stinepelletier 77 points78 points ago

And you have to have at least one capital letter, one lower case letter, a number, and a special character

[–]Eurynom0s 60 points61 points ago

But it can't be more than 10 characters long.

[–]minibeardeath 38 points39 points ago

I still don't understand why Visa of all people would put a maximum limit on password length.

[–]ChickenShoes 46 points47 points ago

Why do you even need a password for it? It's only money, it's not like anyone would try to steal it from you.

[–]walesmd 18 points19 points ago

Exactly 12 characters.

[–]xDividedByZer0 6 points7 points ago

And only one number.

[–]followthatunicorn 62 points63 points ago

This may be the first time I've seen this meme used in an original and insightful manner.

[–]amadea56 24 points25 points ago

This happens to me a lot because every time you apply for a job you have to sign up for some recruiter website. Every once in a while, I run into the same one and just hope I used one of my regular passwords.

[–]thecoffee 11 points12 points ago

Oh but they require extra 'security'. Meaning you have to have at least two capital letters that are not in the beginning of the passcode.

[–]empireofnyy 51 points52 points ago

"Must include at least one Mandarin Chinese character."

[–]thecoffee 57 points58 points ago

Security level: Adequate

[–]BuckeyeBentley 22 points23 points ago

Microsoft Live pc edition insists I have an account under my email address. It does not use any of my normal passwords, and if I do password recovery I get "no account by this email address".

Wtf Microsoft.

[–]Emotional_Tampon 19 points20 points ago

Hey it's my cousin.

[–]JalapenoTampon[S] 26 points27 points ago

You owe me money.

[–]Snifit 6 points7 points ago

HEY COUSIN, YOU WANT TO GO SEE BEEG AMERICAN TEETEES?

[–]M3wThr33 32 points33 points ago

My Gmail is a very common name. So I get tons of people signing up for shit that can't type their own email when drunk. Last week was Adult Friend Finder and Plenty of Fish.
Heck, I never signed up for LinkedIn. I just stole someone's account and replaced all his details with mine.

[–]andrewsmith1986 402 points403 points ago

A lot of people use my name in video games.

Bastards.

[–]raping_horsefucker66 272 points273 points ago

my username is usually not taken yet

[–]empireofnyy 294 points295 points ago

Neigh means neigh.

[–]TheInternetHivemind 31 points32 points ago

/r/spaceclop begs to differ.

Seriously, read the line at the top.

[–]pillowpants80 74 points75 points ago

Scumbag reddit:

tries to get everyone interested in space

/r/space<anything> makes you curl into a ball and cry

[–]drempire 58 points59 points ago

[–]10z20Luka 41 points42 points ago

[–]Americunt_Idiot 42 points43 points ago

If God exists we probably killed him.

[–]PimpDedede 3 points4 points ago

I just spent the last minute laughing raucously at that while my gf on video chat just kept asking, "What?". I didn't explain it to her.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

ehh it might not be tight.. but i bet it's legit.

it might not be tight

but i bet it's legit.

bet it's legit.

whyyyyy.

also:

mares don't smell bad at all, unlike some women, in my opinion. they smell like sweet grass or hay; quite pleasant. they do have a bad habit of farting when doing oral on them.

YOU HAVE BAD HABITS, HONEY.

[–]DeathStep 18 points19 points ago

What about r/spaceporn?

[–]mateo_36 21 points22 points ago

Well once you learn that all the pretty nebulae are actually coloured with a filter used by NASA and that they are actually just blobs of brown.. You might cry.

[–]DeathStep 15 points16 points ago

Now I'm going to crawl into a corner and cry and think about all the other things the NASA has lied to me about. I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY!

[–]mateo_36 8 points9 points ago

I'm so sorry.. l didn't mean to hurt you, babe.

[–]DeathStep 7 points8 points ago

No...it's to late for that now. You've hurt me one to many times. Find someone else to abuse. You monster.

[–]BillygotTalent 17 points18 points ago

aparently raping_horsefucker1-65 were already taken.

[–]raping_horsefucker66 13 points14 points ago

actually, a few were really taken, a guy tested it out a few hours ago

[–]BrodyApproves 167 points168 points ago

Outside of reddit:
Game: "andrewsmith1986 has killed you."
Player: "Who the fuck is andrewsmith1986?"

[–]Roaning 34 points35 points ago

The dude teabagging you.

[–]learntofart 44 points45 points ago

I have the same with Reddit. Fuck you, other Reddit guy.

[–]iamleighanne 81 points82 points ago

I read your name as learnt of art :)

[–]Shardwing 43 points44 points ago

Well, what else could it be?

[–]Sonoluminescent 44 points45 points ago

Le arnt of art

[–]Shellface 33 points34 points ago

L'earn tofa rt

[–]draw_art 18 points19 points ago

I love tofa.

[–]Hamtastic1121 13 points14 points ago

Nailed it.

[–]learntofart 11 points12 points ago

Who says I'm not? http://i.imgur.com/utABz.gif

[–]iamleighanne 8 points9 points ago

I love this, and you :)

[–]learntofart 13 points14 points ago

[–]EnlightenedNarwhal 6 points7 points ago

Usually "you already have an account" is what it says when you enter your email address. If it was a username this would really make no sense. Since taken user names are common.

[–]xDividedByZer0 11 points12 points ago

I usually put an X in front, if it's aleready taken.

You get that 1337 feeling, you know.

Rite?

[–]Razer1103 3 points4 points ago

/u/xNotch knows what you're talking about.

[–]TylerRBack 87 points88 points ago

I have no account of this place.

FTFY

[–]classy_stegasaurus 10 points11 points ago

If you have a little sibling or a child there's a good chance they used your e-mail address for an account. I used to do that with my sister or mom a lot

[–]TheAtomicPlayboy 110 points111 points ago

[–]draw_art 43 points44 points ago

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]talex95 3 points4 points ago

As a gay guy, what is this?

FTFY

[–]PixelMagic 5 points6 points ago

You didn't draw that.

[–]vegetaman 7 points8 points ago

Pretty much.

[–]raping_horsefucker66 17 points18 points ago

When there's a site where my username is already taken, I better leave the site

[–]xDividedByZer0 8 points9 points ago

From now on, I'll sign up on every fucking website on the interwebs with the name raping_horsefucker66.

[–]doctor_troll 6 points7 points ago

datpiff, could not for the life of me remember ever making an account, as I had only just heard about the site, yet there it was

[–]Exaskryz 6 points7 points ago

This recently happened to me on Xbox Live. My name was taken (who the hell would have my name??). I have never owned an Xbox or Xbox 360. Only reason I was getting an XL account was for Windows 8.

[–]c1namber 3 points4 points ago

Thank you for using this for something none reddit related.

[–]gen_iroh 5 points6 points ago

For the first time ever I found this meme to be funny

[–]Goldom 3 points4 points ago

Got that lately. I went to sign up, and name was in use. Thought someone had taken it, so I picked another. It said my email was in use. I had it send me my password, and it was mine - logged in and it said "last login 2007." NO memory of ever hearing of the site before that day.

[–]divester 2 points3 points ago

Finally, a Gandalf meme I like AND understand.

[–]Zdeno_Chara_Is_Tall 6 points7 points ago

The comment to upvote ratio is not very preportional.