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all 181 comments

[–]wappleby 224 points225 points ago

Well at least you don't have a dog that tries to get in on the action and lick your balls.

[–]phreakyP 146 points147 points ago

At least? I usually have to pay for that kind of action

[–]nanospecial 85 points86 points ago

I hope you paid with treats, because money is worthless to dogs.

[–]norobo132 12 points13 points ago

They do play the occasional game of poker

[–]pinkybones 0 points1 point ago

TIL

[–]Canucklehead99 20 points21 points ago

peanut butter works wonders.

[–]bogeyegod 54 points55 points ago

[–]Jojje22 30 points31 points ago

Lesson #1, don't use cats.

[–]sommadatbass 7 points8 points ago

My curious little kitten jumped up and went straight for the wiener. Thank god for my boyfriend's fast reflexes!

[–]iamthemindfreak 2 points3 points ago

seconds later and he would have been salvaging a sausage meal from your kitten's mouth ಠ_ಠ

[–]sommadatbass 1 point2 points ago

I just imagined a penis in a meat grinder. Mother of God... That was close.

[–]elvisliveson 0 points1 point ago

[–]XdannyX 2 points3 points ago

Apparently everyone on youtube who commented on this is oblivious to how dirty it looks

[–]divinggiraffe 79 points80 points ago

[–]rlyns55 50 points51 points ago

So much of me really hopes that story is real.

[–]vertigo1083 24 points25 points ago

Scooby-doo rape?

Sign me the fuck up.

[–]Deku-shrub 3 points4 points ago

rur rho!

[–]TylerRBack 19 points20 points ago

It's on Yahoo Answers, so it must be real!

[–]cheapdvds 4 points5 points ago

I think it's real! I saw an advertisement of it before...

[–]JayGatsby727 4 points5 points ago

Link for those who don't know the reference (at least I believe this is the reference).

[–]IntoTheCheese 27 points28 points ago

[–]Dazing 5 points6 points ago

Oh god

[–]deliberately_stupid 6 points7 points ago

Oh dog

FTFY

[–]IStandUpForYou 1 point2 points ago

It couldn't be real, she said nothing about how the dogs penis will knot so it can't pull out. What a shame though.

[–]OgGorrilaKing 52 points53 points ago

[–]apocalypse_IRA 33 points34 points ago

NSFW, but funny as hell

[–]shadybrainfarm 11 points12 points ago

"hey that looks like a good hot dog, can i have some?"

[–]ieatbees 9 points10 points ago

NSFW

Edit: thanks

[–]TubaManBoy 3 points4 points ago

NSFW

[–]Khalifa_The_Cat -3 points-2 points ago

CAN YOU PLEASE TAG THAT AS NSFW

[–]irawwwr 14 points15 points ago

Nice try, cat. Just because the dog got some action.

[–]Khalifa_The_Cat 0 points1 point ago

Sigh.. Being neutered isn't easy..

[–]sinfulcolors 22 points23 points ago

I schlick with my dog in my bed but my dog hasn't ever bothered me.

[–]MadMageMC 53 points54 points ago

"It's not cheating, 'cause it's your dog!"

[–]Disgruntor 6 points7 points ago

Just to make you feel old, that movie came out TWELVE YEARS AGO. There are people on Reddit who were born AFTER that movie was released.

[–]LNMagic 4 points5 points ago

That's okay. There are more people on 9gag who were born after that movie.

[–]Combustibutt 11 points12 points ago

Don't you feel kinda weird? With the dog right there... Looking at you...

...I think I have issues.

[–]sinfulcolors 3 points4 points ago

My dog doesn't look at me. I usually do it right before I go to sleep and she's just sleeping at the end of the bed

[–]seafoamstratocaster 10 points11 points ago

schlick

Cringe

[–]feilen 11 points12 points ago

MOIST

[–]Delvil 3 points4 points ago

I know, right? How uncouth.

[–]sinfulcolors 2 points3 points ago

What's wrong with that word?

[–]seafoamstratocaster 0 points1 point ago

It's very....ragecomicy.

[–]sinfulcolors 4 points5 points ago

Understandable. I just don't like saying fap because it makes me sound like a guy

[–]sheriff_skullface 4 points5 points ago

try jilling it?

[–]iamthemindfreak 1 point2 points ago

My friend calls it that. She doesn't like using the word schlick, too wet sounding for her tastes

[–]seafoamstratocaster 0 points1 point ago

To be fair, I think "fap" sounds retarded too, but I'm obviously on the extreme minority there.

[–]ian937262 7 points8 points ago

try not rubbing peanut butter on them before you masterbate.

[–]Pella86 2 points3 points ago

tell the truth: you like it!

[–][deleted] 233 points234 points ago

Why do you saw wood in your room?

[–]JAV0K 225 points226 points ago

Is that what they call it these days?

[–]Gen_McMuster 67 points68 points ago

that would hurt

[–]JacobCurry 84 points85 points ago

This kills the penis.

[–]Faps_Into_Socks 28 points29 points ago

Just use socks.

[–]Arcon1337 19 points20 points ago

That wouldn't be very effective for chopping wood.

[–]Catch22af 9 points10 points ago

It sets the penis on fire.

[–]ElGatoTheManCat 14 points15 points ago

It puts the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again

[–]OgGorrilaKing 4 points5 points ago

Well, that would put out the fire.

[–]wha7thmah 5 points6 points ago

That wood hurt!

[–]woodchipper 1 point2 points ago

There are alternatives...

[–]TheLemonKing 0 points1 point ago

I used to call it "taking Chester for a walk"

[–]Sheepolution 8 points9 points ago

Isn't he trying to make fire?

[–]IThinkAbout17 5 points6 points ago

Someone doesn't get the joke..

[–]Sheepolution 12 points13 points ago

Who?

[–]IThinkAbout17 9 points10 points ago

Oh wait, that would be me.. Fml.

[–]FartMachineSteve 10 points11 points ago

Dave Matthews new show is pretty erotic

[–]Animalzrcool 2 points3 points ago

I saw wood in my room if you know what I mean

[–]toy205 0 points1 point ago

I'm guessing he is a man of comfort rather than a man of adventure!

[–]YouEnglishNotSoGood -5 points-4 points ago

He was starting a fire. Please don't tell me that you've never seen that movie.

[–]eatfrog 17 points18 points ago

is there someone standing behind him? something moves.

[–]Stompedyourhousewith 21 points22 points ago

slenderman....

[–]MrConfucius 1 point2 points ago

While I have your attention, reminds me of this.

[–]The_ToonCaptain 6 points7 points ago

Lol wow that was creepy, it's just a palm branch though

[–]meanttodothat 75 points76 points ago

Tom Spanks

[–]dogbreath101 8 points9 points ago

wilson you dirty perv

[–]pinkstars 29 points30 points ago

Ugh, my cat does this to me. He won't pay attention to me for hours, but suddenly I just want to look at my laptop in a different location and he just needs to be right near me, purring.

Extremely frustrating. And creepy.

[–]Faps_Into_Socks 32 points33 points ago

Why masturbate when you can pet me? But only 3 times.

[–]Sentient_Waffle 10 points11 points ago

Yesterday my cat jumped on my lap while I was fapping. It was pretty weird..

.. still finished though.

[–]SchlapHappy 14 points15 points ago

On the cat? Please tell me on the cat.

[–]Sentient_Waffle 11 points12 points ago

Not on the cat, sorry.

[–]moshercise 26 points27 points ago

It was in the cat.

[–]Sir_Meowsalot 2 points3 points ago

O_O

[–]hemotrophic_wee 4 points5 points ago

yes, I admit to having fapped with my cat on my lap. He proceeded to attack the vibrator as I moved it up and down under the covers.

[–]Epshot 2 points3 points ago

new tag: LapCatFap

[–]imakitty 2 points3 points ago

Your cat is probably just using you for sex and hasn't told you. Pheremones and all.

[–]jpkolbush 5 points6 points ago

[–]samlauk 45 points46 points ago

you can have one upvote.

[–]PeruvianSkies 36 points37 points ago

Everybody gets one.

[–]K1dn3yPunch 24 points25 points ago

Apparently, everybody gets one.

[–]wyattman854 8 points9 points ago

tell 'em, peter.

[–]garysnail123 -1 points0 points ago

Please, sir, may I have some more?

[–]n_somnee_ak 12 points13 points ago

My cat thinks I'm pathetic, so he expects that I won't get laid and always leaves the room when I jerk off because "it's too fuckin' sad too watch, even by human standards..." I don't like him, but he knifed the last guy that tried to break in here, so I keep him around as an enforcer and to collect money from people that owe me...

[–]idiotdidntdoit 5 points6 points ago

I was thinking about just this when I saw the movie again recently. He was really stroking that wood.

[–]DiscoMonkay 5 points6 points ago

It'd make an interesting alternate scene on Blu-Ray.

[–]TravisB5643 2 points3 points ago

For a second there I thought I didn't catch a wilson voyeurism scene in the movie

[–]thebretandbutter 2 points3 points ago

It needs to be there to judge you.

[–]WinkeyBalls 6 points7 points ago

Just grab some peanut butter

[–]AnimatorSteve 11 points12 points ago

[–]No_Name_Ideas 13 points14 points ago

Good thing I like it rough

[–]DrDew00 0 points1 point ago

If you like that, may I suggest some of this...

[–]pieguyfry22 -1 points0 points ago

Or maybe velcro

[–]highbloo 13 points14 points ago

a quick blast of dubstep does the trick

[–]VinRayd 34 points35 points ago

I guess dubstep masturbation is a thing now.

[–]dfn85 10 points11 points ago

Try and go along with the beat!

[–]zombiebunnie 5 points6 points ago

And wait for the drop!

[–]droctopu5 7 points8 points ago

This skrillexes the penis.

[–]benthejammin 4 points5 points ago

I play it while Im reading doujinshi.

[–]KillianILC 1 point2 points ago

Heheh, Doujinshi...

[–]crazycatlady45 7 points8 points ago

My 20 year old cat did this to my boyfriend and I once. She was deaf too, so she couldn't even hear us shouting "no"at her.

[–]Rad1030 1 point2 points ago

Stealing this for /r/tomhanks

[–]turbie 0 points1 point ago

You jack off on him?

[–]coley1223 0 points1 point ago

that's why cats are nasty

[–]Hugokarenque 2 points3 points ago

Keep doing it, just don't expect the cat to come back... Ever. I kept at it, at first my cats didn't seem to mind but then their visits got shorter and shorter... now I only see them outside of my room.

[–]iDuckie 2 points3 points ago

I know he's not... But the image of Tom Hanks masturbating is now burned into my brain. I've now forgotten math.

[–]la_guiri 1 point2 points ago

nah, this is the time when my cat decides she wants to play. dives straight for the fingers.

[–]nostorbe 1 point2 points ago

[–]tacubano 1 point2 points ago

remember cut bites are extremely dangerous o_0

[–]SwagNinja 1 point2 points ago

Use the cat to masterbate

[–]Nyrb 1 point2 points ago

Seriously do none of you know how to work a door?

[–]Vivipwns26 1 point2 points ago

Oh geezus this happened to me just last night with my cat. Kept trying to weave through my legs and shit. Or when I lock him out he starts pounding against the door loudly and wakes everyone else up.

[–]ghostface134 1 point2 points ago

my kitty is declawed so i don't really sweat this too much

also he has something to eat afterwards ;)

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]schniepel89xx 0 points1 point ago

I can use my imagination. Hah.

[–]HappyAssassin 1 point2 points ago

This is one of my biggest concerns around getting a cat

[–]CATS_WATCHING_ME_FAP 3 points4 points ago

i know that feeling

[–]hemotrophic_wee 3 points4 points ago

Story time. SO and are getting a little hot and dirty. He gets on top of me, and starts thrusting. We're really into the moment.

Suddenly the cat jumps up on his back and sits there for a moment and meows. We pause for a moment and then break out laughing. Cat, satisfied at having ruined the moment, proceeds to lay on my pillow and lick his own butt.

[–]8_4_Schu 1 point2 points ago

GF's cat once interrupted some great log slamming by touching her cold nose on the back of my balls, causing me to scream like a little girl and jump off the bed. I wound up marrying and ultimately divorcing that crazy bitch. Maybe the cat was trying to tell me something. SIGH. I miss that cat.

[–]kyleyankan 3 points4 points ago

I can honestly say I've NEVER laughed as hard at anything else on Reddit. The loop kept me going for a solid 10 minutes.

[–]redditredo 0 points1 point ago

Dat loop.

[–]cweb534 0 points1 point ago

Wilson!!

[–]Bagofshet 0 points1 point ago

Well played, sir. Well played.

[–]deadendcruiser 0 points1 point ago

Ah I get it.

[–]nextplzzzz -1 points0 points ago

what the fuck are you cat people up to?...

[–]JarlaxleForPresident 0 points1 point ago

i watched that for way too long. 30 secs is too long.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Crozzfire 2 points3 points ago

And what happened to your gf?

[–]fenrisulfur 0 points1 point ago

It took me too much time to get this

[–]kunkis 0 points1 point ago

i logged in to upvote this

[–]flamingo_party 0 points1 point ago

Why wouldn't you want it to leave...?

[–]ThetrueJT 0 points1 point ago

Your name is an awesome song

[–]LionEatingMan 0 points1 point ago

cats weigh about 8-15 pounds. Most humans weigh 100+ pounds. Pick up the cat and move it.

[–]theccab234 0 points1 point ago

What is that moving in the background whenever he looks at the camera? If you don't see it, look to the left of the picture.

[–]Pixelwind 0 points1 point ago

palm tree frond blowing in the wind

[–]eztarget896 0 points1 point ago

the air got to it!

[–]Saerain 0 points1 point ago

That must be some thick wood.

[–]pparlor 0 points1 point ago

MFW closed office doors and realize they're french doors with window panes.

[–]ubiquitous_one 0 points1 point ago

Target acquired!

[–]ibetrollingyou 0 points1 point ago

You fist it in front of a camera?

[–]bobdahobo 0 points1 point ago

I have a feeling this is a masturbation joke....

[–]jorgenation 0 points1 point ago

Has anyone noticed the hand in the top left?

[–]Purplelurple123 0 points1 point ago

took me a little one to get this.

[–]spenser3541 0 points1 point ago

No.

[–]Iwantgoodasses 0 points1 point ago

FUNNIEST THING I'VE SEEN THE WHOLE MONTH

[–]uh-hi 2 points3 points ago

I usually throw a pillow at them.

[–]Kraznor -1 points0 points ago

I wave a pillow and he takes off. Or...goes under the bed.

[–]Aequitas92 0 points1 point ago

You have made my whole day. I cant stop laughing.

[–]ViolentOctopus 0 points1 point ago

This is probably the funniest thing that I have ever seen

[–]Dem0n5 -2 points-1 points ago

masturbation

[–]Strong__Belwas 1 point2 points ago

Well said

[–]Poopfeastlover 0 points1 point ago

Dogs are always sat in my room. No fucks given.

[–]dreamsofbetterdays 0 points1 point ago

so you get shy when pussy is in the room?

[–]GrammarGorilla 0 points1 point ago

Haha. For a minute there I thought he was jacking off...oh wait. No no. I was right. He is...

[–]RoElementz 0 points1 point ago

LOOL

[–]dumpalot 0 points1 point ago

Fap fap fap fap fap

[–]iameveryoneelse 0 points1 point ago

Why would you want to start a fire in you....OH...fapping, right.

[–]FreEarl -1 points0 points ago

Perfect.

[–]MKSLAYER97 -1 points0 points ago

Look in my eyes. What do you see?

[–]20superstar -2 points-1 points ago

WTF WAS THAT BEHIND HIM TO THE LEFT!?!?