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top 200 commentsshow all 286

[–]PhiladelphiaIrish 232 points233 points ago

[–]r_HOWTONOTGIVEAFUCK 125 points126 points ago

[–]CannedBeef 56 points57 points ago

[–]fanboy_killer 67 points68 points ago

That's a surprisingly large community.

[–]empw 36 points37 points ago

[–]dadude25 15 points16 points ago

I'm having a very weird feeling inside and I don't know why... But I think it has something to do with these birds... and their sexy arms... Tweet tweet mother fucker.

[–]fondlemeLeroy 19 points20 points ago

*Motherclucker.

[–]VenusBlue 11 points12 points ago

Figured I would stay with the theme. It took me way more time than it should have to make this. The things I do to amuse myself... http://i.imgur.com/W7faN.gif

[–]frivolege 13 points14 points ago

The fuck is this

[–]HodgyLamar 6 points7 points ago

The best subreddit of all time? Yes.

[–]Se7en_Sinner 3 points4 points ago

Are you really surprised? There's a subreddit for everything.

[–]shif 1 point2 points ago

who the hell is ian?

[–]Ray_don 6 points7 points ago

Why

[–]xerim 11 points12 points ago

Yo that shit is QUACK

[–]DownvotesOwnPost 1 point2 points ago

Such a fowl pun.

[–]bongtin 1 point2 points ago

Why does this exist?

[–]HITMAN616 27 points28 points ago

[–]Pasty_Virgin 22 points23 points ago

[–]hinduguru 1 point2 points ago

I was wondering where you were

[–]THE_DOOMLORD 1 point2 points ago

THIS IS A GOOD BOOK, I RECOMMEND IT.

[–]Unidan 62 points63 points ago

Biologist here!

You guys don't know the half of it.

This is my research. I study patterns of nitrogen biogeochemistry. For me, that means following birds. Namely crows.

Crows and other birds don't pee like you or I do. They have extremely efficient kidneys to remove moisture, which eventually allows for the form of nitrogenous waste to be in uric acid, rather than mostly urea, like us.

The uric acid is a completely dry mass, that lovely white that bespeckles so many of our vehicles.

A family of crows is between 3-8 birds, let's say. A pair of mating birds, a few helpers from previous years and their nestlings.

They poop. This could mess up your car. Think that's bad? It's not.

I track crow roosts. In the winter time, all these families and their territories break up and may come together in gigantic roosts of birds numbering in the hundreds. Or thousands. Or millions.

I'm studying one area that, on a given night, had between 40,000 to 50,000 birds (photo enhanced so birds can be seen, this was taken at night) over an area the size of a your house. The sound is deafening. It can be heard for miles.

It literally rains underneath a crow roost. It is a haven for bacteria.

Aside from the constant pooping, many are surprised to learn about crow pellets. You may have dissected an owl pellet in school, which is very similar. Crows regurgitate a similar product, about the size of an almond, made up of all the indigestible parts of insects and plants and other animals that they eat throughout the day.

If you assume a crow vomits up about half a gram of material every day, which is undershooting, and roosts for about 5 months a year, a roost of 40,000 crows, like the one I'm studying, will vomit up approximately 3 metric tons of material.

That's approximately two Ford Escorts worth of vomit in pure mass! A small elephant made of pukey, half-digested bugs and flesh.

This doesn't even account for the poop. This is a bonus. Birds will defecate much more than half a gram per day, so let's double or triple that number.

Trust me, I know my shit.

[–]captain_korea 11 points12 points ago

You are seriously the most enthusiastic biologist I've ever seen.

[–]jlopez9090 6 points7 points ago

I wish he would scientifically narrate my life

[–]Unidan 11 points12 points ago

Jennifer Lopez 9090 breathed in deeply. Lungs expanding and contracting as diaphragm muscles flexed.

The breathing was involuntary, but could be altered if Jennifer so wished. The breathing was not due to demand for precious oxygen, but, rather, a compelling urge to relieve oneself of CO2 accumulation in the blood.

In. Out. In. Out.

[–]PhiladelphiaIrish 6 points7 points ago

I'd read this novel.

[–]Unidan 10 points11 points ago

Philadelphia Irish held the novel lightly in his hands. He scanned up and down the pages, his abducens nerve sending impulses to the muscles of his eye in perfect unison with his brain innervations, working together to look over the pages like the synchrony of interlocking, ethereal gears.

[–]PhiladelphiaIrish 8 points9 points ago

This is straight up biology porn. I love it.

[–]Unidan 11 points12 points ago

I was about to type up a very detailed account of blood flowing into an erect penis, but then I realized I have a meeting in twenty minutes to discuss my field work tomorrow and thought, "What the fuck am I doing with my life?"

[–]Russian_Bear 2 points3 points ago

What ARE you doing with your life? Where's my narrated movie?

[–]StellaMaroo 1 point2 points ago

Screw the meeting. Reddit demands more biology porn!

[–]PhiladelphiaIrish 1 point2 points ago

I'm probably better off for that.

[–]ITworksGuys 1 point2 points ago

ONE OF US!

[–]jlopez9090 1 point2 points ago

You magnificent bastard!

Hope your meeting went well

[–]Unidan 1 point2 points ago

It did!

I'll be traipsing through a wetland bright and early tomorrow morning.

[–]Unidan 7 points8 points ago

It's my jam, what can I say?

[–]Unidan 1 point2 points ago

I'm establishing a brand name, slowly but surely.

[–]pgrily 1 point2 points ago

Bleh....I've always thought birds were disgusting, this doesn't help much.

[–]Unidan 1 point2 points ago

Just wait until you handle them.

The little white dots on their heads are parasites! Plus, they have West Nile Virus sometimes!

[–]venomint 1 point2 points ago

I lost it at

This is a bonus.

my keyboard very nearly got coffee all over it

[–]Unidan 1 point2 points ago

For bird biologists, Christmas comes every day.

Did I say Christmas? I meant fecal nuggets.

[–]Dethread 1 point2 points ago

Where is the picture you mentioned?

Also, what is it they do a lot, pee or poop or both? Is the white stuff the uric acid or feces?

[–]Unidan 2 points3 points ago

Whoopsidaisy!

I added the photo in question. If you're too lazy to look up slightly, here it is: http://i.imgur.com/kR8pW.jpg

As for the white stuff, yes, it is uric acid. The "feces" part will be the brown, black or green substance that also makes it onto the windshields. Birds don't have "wet" urine, which is an evolutionary adaptation to weight reduction/water conservation for flight which was facilitated by their reptilian forebears.

[–]Ray_don 2 points3 points ago

I like that you said appease, they are uppity like royalty.

[–]pa79 10 points11 points ago

I could watch that gif all day long.

[–]thecapitalc 1 point2 points ago

What is that?

[–]Tacos4ever100 6 points7 points ago

It looks like a red panda to me.

[–]thecapitalc 4 points5 points ago

There are red pandas!? This changes everything I know about the existences of red pandas.

[–]goodygumdrop 4 points5 points ago

tigger, of course.

[–]Eddyoshi 1 point2 points ago

that has got to be one of the funniest pics ive ever seen on reddit.

[–]swagmeister23 2 points3 points ago

heartless bastards the lot of them

[–]drunk_otter 2 points3 points ago

he's a dirty stool pigeon

[–]quaste 121 points122 points ago

I see you polished that pole.

It would be great if someone...

... SHOOK A TIT ON IT!

[–]professorberrynibble 17 points18 points ago

I'm going to start using this instead of "shake a leg" when telling people to hurry up

[–]polarlover 37 points38 points ago

Grandma come on, we are going to be late, shake a tit will ya.

[–]TijuanaTacoMonster 2 points3 points ago

shake a tit

as kids we used this instead of take a shit

[–]polarlover 4 points5 points ago

Sakes mense.

[–]sirprizes 31 points32 points ago

I once had a friend tell me that if a bird shits on you that means good luck. I asked him how the hell is shit falling on you from the sky good luck? The only rationale I can think of is that it'd be tough for your day to get worse after shit falls on you from the sky.

[–]Beachy 51 points52 points ago

Why did I expect a picture of that exact moment?

[–]xerim 9 points10 points ago

Because it's reddit.

[–]Masribrah 3 points4 points ago

Because this

[–]Propa_Tingz 7 points8 points ago

Because it was misleading but not directly provable because he made no promises. Like when a girl is heavily flirting with you and then you give her a golden shower and she runs away screaming and crying to avoid returning the favor.

Lazy bitches.

[–]Beachy 7 points8 points ago

ಠ_ಠ

[–]Pasty_Virgin 1 point2 points ago

[–]Mstrwiggles7 1 point2 points ago

I wish we had a picture of it. It was when he was younger so all I got were stories. Besides, it's not like he would have sat there gargling it waiting for the picture.

[–]a1icey 4 points5 points ago

don't tell me that, a bird shit on me two weeks ago and i am taking the bar exam this week!

[–]skizfrenik_syco 2 points3 points ago

quick, throw salt over your shoulder

[–]Lecard 3 points4 points ago

[–]skizfrenik_syco 4 points5 points ago

that's the exact scene i was thinking of when i said my comment!

[–]karma_for_coke 2 points3 points ago

He said it means GOOD Luck. You'll be fine. But I think the shit charm washes off after a day. So you might be on your own terms again...

[–]Propa_Tingz 1 point2 points ago

What if you don't wash the shit off?

[–]DimeShake 3 points4 points ago

Then you are an unsanitary person.

[–]GeneralWarts 2 points3 points ago

A bird shit 4 feet in front of me as I approached the front doors for work today. Does that mean today will be good or bad?

[–]ZeekySantos 10 points11 points ago

Good luck will appear 4 feet in front of you at all times. I suggest you play a slot machine from just over a metre's distance to capitalize on this.

[–]ooNegativeONEoo 28 points29 points ago

When I used to roll with all kinds of Macromedia Flash gangs, an acquaintance of mine was working on a game where you ride a flying bicycle and shit on pigeons. It was never completed and it will forever be 'the one that got away', for me.

[–]ItIsMarc 13 points14 points ago

I think I speak for everyone when I say this, but I would play it.

[–]willymo 1 point2 points ago

Seriously, bring that back. That sounds awesome.

[–]Protophobic 3 points4 points ago

There are Macromedia Flash gangs?

[–]Dr_HL 1 point2 points ago

Yeah, y'know... stuff like on Newgrounds? There were/are small groups of people who put out work and were quite dedicated to Flash. Clock Crew comes to mind.

[–]cramlikebram 2 points3 points ago

I remember another game where you were a statue who wouldn't take pigeon crap anymore. So you got to shoot the hell out of them.

edit: oh dear god, I found it

[–]goodygumdrop 1 point2 points ago

wait, ET didn't already invent that game?

[–]judgemebymyusername 1 point2 points ago

Bring it back for Android and make millions.

[–]Rizface 11 points12 points ago

That's when you poop in their nest.

[–]austsw 7 points8 points ago

[–]P_Android420 1 point2 points ago

[–]BackToOllieWilliams 5 points6 points ago

MAFIA PIGEON.

[–]Birdie_Num_Num 8 points9 points ago

THE GODFEATHER

[–]shibblywibbly 4 points5 points ago

[–]codesign 5 points6 points ago

Just an FYI, that white stuff on your car is not bird poop, it's uric acid.

Have you ever seen a bird pee?

[–]Sbux 5 points6 points ago

Unfortunately this fact does not make bird poop any better.

[–]greenyellowbird 4 points5 points ago

The Cloaca...its the one stop shop for all of a bird's bodily functions, and its fun to say.

[–]Fizzrocket 5 points6 points ago

I checked 9gag 2 days ago (haven't seen it untill that point). I saw this post. What does that make us?

[–]koerbchen 1 point2 points ago

Someone will post it on Facebook in some days. After that, someone will repost it on 9gag, and redditors will take a screenshot of it, blaming 9gag for reposting. Damn, the whole internet is a never-ending circle of reposts, nobody is better than the other.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

Pigeons are terrible business birds. You pay them protection money in the form of food and they are twice as likely to shit on your car.

[–]DBuckFactory 2 points3 points ago

I saw this on FaceBook as a post from 9gag this morning. I'm saddened by this garbage post.

[–]Coolala2002 2 points3 points ago

Free samples of White Out!

[–]bss10s 2 points3 points ago

I THOUGHT WE HAD A DEAL WITH THE PIGEONS!?

[–]alandmoey 2 points3 points ago

Goodfeathers!

[–]runfromtheraptor 2 points3 points ago

[–]grasisgroen 7 points8 points ago

Reposting from 9gag? thats weak...

[–]Fishermang 1 point2 points ago

I also had a clean jacket and pants on my way to work one morning.

[–]jakeb89 1 point2 points ago

Can't look at pictures of pigeons without also thinking of japanese dating games now.

God damn it Hatoful Boyfriend. God damn it...

[–]jojojio 1 point2 points ago

I don't have this problem. They'll shit on my car if it's clean or not.

[–]bsage88 1 point2 points ago

YEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!

[–]awkwardlyelegent 1 point2 points ago

As someone whose parking space is under power lines I can confirm I hate those fuckers.

[–]sargENT_shart 1 point2 points ago

My girlfriend got shit on yesterday, how awesome is it to see someone get shit on!

[–]supermari0 1 point2 points ago

[–]zrodion 1 point2 points ago

This is the point were you give em protection seed

[–]Megustatits 1 point2 points ago

Irrelevant, sorta and will get buried...but when I was about three years old I was at the beach on vacation with family in Mountauk and I was wearing a white beach robe..you can already tell this story is gonna get terrible..well, while waiting online at the snack stand with my Mom I was apparently bombarded with seagull shit...Orange/reddish seagull shit...well I was standing by the condiments for some ketchup for my french fries when this happened, and lil three year old me thought "Oh shit, I got some ketchup on my nice white robe"...SO...I don't know why but I went to lick the ketchup/seagull shit off of my arm area...I WAS THREE YEARS OLD OK!? THANK GOD my Mom stopped me before it hit my tongue...and I'll never forget what she yelled..."What are you doing?! That's shit!" That was when I immediately started projectile vomiting and I've hated birds ever since..FUCK BIRDS..assholes.

[–]Dat_Matt 9 points10 points ago

[–]TaintedSquirrel 13 points14 points ago

99.9% of 9gaggers and Redditors alike do not care where the content comes from. OC? Repost? "Stolen"? Who cares. It's the internet... stuff circulates. See a funny picture, chuckle a bit, and move on with your day.

That's just the majority opinion, not my personal opinion (nor the opinion of the vocal minority of Redditors).

[–]Shyamallamadingdong 4 points5 points ago

Well, that's just, like, your majority opinion, man

[–]sleepwithafryingpan 3 points4 points ago

pigeons are fucking ugly. i did not enjoy that closeup.

[–]ItIsMarc 1 point2 points ago

I think it's just doing that creepy thing where it looks at something sideways.

[–]copyandpasta 1 point2 points ago

Short story. While on vacation with my girlfriend, I spot a dove on the porch.
I say "look at that fat dove"
She replies "That isn't a dove"
I: "Yes it is hun"
She: "... but it's not white?!"
This is why her daddy calls her Princess

[–]cleeb 1 point2 points ago

[–]Unfriendly_alien 0 points1 point ago

I once had a bird shit in my bowl of chili. I wasn't very happy, but apparently it's good luck?

[–]Gothmaug 0 points1 point ago

Evil plotting pidgeon

[–]whats_chivalry 0 points1 point ago

also known as flying rats

[–]Kidsturk 0 points1 point ago

I read this while listening to 'Gotham's Reckoning' from the Dark Knight Rises soundtrack.

Fitted pretty well.

[–]The_Quiet_Earth 0 points1 point ago

Are they attracted to certain colours that increases their enthusiasm to drop turd bombs all over your car, because every single time I wash my car, which is red, within hours it will have one or two bird droppings on it. I'm convinced they do it deliberately. I need a guard cat.

[–]adaminc 0 points1 point ago

[–]TurkeyDinosaurs 0 points1 point ago

The bastards are bloody accurate too!

My friend had the sun roof of his car open and a pigeon managed to shit through it, while he was driving, and splat it's poop right into the middle of the back seat. He didn't notice until his friend got in the back and almost sat in it.

[–]ezekelol 0 points1 point ago

thats why i never wash my car.

[–]brokendimension 0 points1 point ago

Better than it going on your head.

[–]PhotogenicDirt 0 points1 point ago

I swear, it is target practice with the birds in my area. The carpet bomb the entire neighborhood with shit bombs every week.

[–]beowulfpt 0 points1 point ago

Fucking seagulls are the worse. It's like an entire cup of yogurt explosion, every time.

[–]Khuskan 0 points1 point ago

It's simple: Don't park under trees, ledges or anything a pigeon can sit on.

Pigeons clamp their legs together when flying to produce a more streamlined flight. The result: They can only shit when sitting down, kinda like us.

Seagulls and other sea-birds are the biggest perpetrator of shitting while flying - for them, it's an evolutionary necessity.

[–]eugenerhan 0 points1 point ago

As a grower of evil pigeons, i can confirm.

[–]pokesax 0 points1 point ago

I feel the same way about rain clouds after I wash my car. It just so happens that there will be a month of no rain, I will wash my car, and suddenly a wild rain cloud appears.

[–]kasirabbas 0 points1 point ago

Some of these birds have some awesome aim. If I could fly and tried to shit on someone, I would probably just end up getting my own leg. Sometimes I wonder if superman suffered from diarrhoea, would he end up shitting on some?

[–]skay 0 points1 point ago

It's never just one, it's always a gang

[–]le_hypnotoad 0 points1 point ago

Just add some sunglasses to that bad boy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hRdgtk11l10

[–]Unik_ 0 points1 point ago

YYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH -oh wait, that's not right.

[–]Pilky_01 0 points1 point ago

Enter Pigeon Jon on Twitter.

Featuring gems such as:

"Shat on a man because he is wearing Sunglasses on the back of his head."

and

"Aborted an attempt to shag a Duck because it's too hot and I can't be bothered."

[–]M002 0 points1 point ago

Happened to me 2 days ago. Infuriated.

[–]karma_for_coke 0 points1 point ago

I park in the shade under a tree so it is almost a complete waste to wash my car as I only provide those fuckers with a fresh, shiny, target for their biological warfare shit bombs.

[–]ajiveturkey 0 points1 point ago

In upstate NY now, you don't really see pigeons up here. But when a hawk shits on your car, you know it.

[–]turtle9 0 points1 point ago

I was just thinking about washing my car...Now I'm not so sure it's worth it

[–]drunk_dean_martin 0 points1 point ago

After I read the last line, I started hearing The Who "We Won't Be Fooled Again" like in CSI

[–]7yphoid 0 points1 point ago

I saw this on Reddit too many times to count.

[–]elpcavy21 0 points1 point ago

After i wash my car, a 5% chance of rain in my state actually means 5% of the states entire water supply will be focused on my driveway.

[–]abdrone 0 points1 point ago

Fucking birds man. They ruin my car daily. Of course, it isn't helping that I have to park under a tree every day (there is no other spot available).

[–]enlightened14 0 points1 point ago

Why did I read that in a French accent?

[–]tainted_panda 0 points1 point ago

just got shat on my leg in the garden, relevant reddit experience justified the sky faeces :D

[–]LettersFromTheSky 0 points1 point ago

It never fails to happen to me, have an upvote.

[–]Locutus-of-Borg 0 points1 point ago

We have Pterodactyls with diarrhea here.

[–]shankems2000 0 points1 point ago

Dude I don't give a shit about my car. I drive a 95 soccer mom mobile and I don't have any kids. I'm saving for somethign better. They can shit away for all I care. I'll wait for the rain to wash it.

[–]deltron 0 points1 point ago

Pigeon/Triumph mash up.

[–]poopaton 0 points1 point ago

First world problems.

[–]d3r3k1449 0 points1 point ago

I love animals. Except for pigeons and rats. Can you tell I'm in the city?

[–]Burning_Kobun 0 points1 point ago

it would be a shame if I put a lead pellet through your head

[–]big_dicked_brad 0 points1 point ago

THAT COCK IS MINUSCULE IN COMPARISON TO MINE

[–]Ninjaisawesome 0 points1 point ago

I was washing my car today thinking about posting something like this....

[–]qvantamon 0 points1 point ago

I used to drive a convertible, and cross a bridge infested with seagulls in my daily commute. Every day an adventure.

[–]goodygumdrop 0 points1 point ago

if it's not bird shit, it's rain.

[–]Funk_Munki 0 points1 point ago

This never happens to me, but instead it rains every time I wash my car.

[–]cheapdvds 0 points1 point ago

Add one more slide says "HERE COMES POOPIE!!'

[–]imontero77 0 points1 point ago

A bird literally just took a dump on my car after reading this!

[–]Rogue1Zero 0 points1 point ago

nice

[–]Heimdall2061 0 points1 point ago

I wish I could pay them protection money to not shit on my car. I'd pay it.

[–]serosis 0 points1 point ago

You know what happens when I wash my car?

It still looks like shit because the previous owner painted it with several cans of Krylon.

I just water it every now and then and clean the windows.

[–]Mr_M_Burns 0 points1 point ago

He just wants a puppy.

[–]JordanWhiteboy 0 points1 point ago

I spend 5 hours getting my car ready for a race day, and the next morning I went outside and the neighbors cat had diarrhea all over the top, which then ran down my back windshield... it was disgusting...

[–]TheTeenSaltine 0 points1 point ago

Got my first car recently, it is used so I went to wash it one morning. I had it looking amazing, all nice and clean. I parked it out in the driveway and not even two hours later, some bird decided to take a massive shit right on the hood and drivers side of the windshield

[–]Wolfasuras 0 points1 point ago

Kind of makes me wonder how much bird crap is on the roof of my houses...given how often my car gets carped on.

[–]shrooq 0 points1 point ago

For me it's a problem with rain. I live in the second driest state in the country and two days after I wash my car it will rain.

[–]fiercefoxx 0 points1 point ago

[–]Ben_Ben 0 points1 point ago

Someone, please add sunglasses and the CSI: MIAMI scream to the bird for a more complete experience.

[–]pachomius 0 points1 point ago

I was expecting a corn baller.

[–]mshappy 0 points1 point ago

The other day, I was taking photos at the park for photography class and I was like...it would suck if a bird pooped in my hair. Guess what happened?

[–]kleptooo 0 points1 point ago

don pid-geon

[–]trabajarencanada 0 points1 point ago

LOL

[–]zipzap21 0 points1 point ago

They're not shitting on cars, it's their attempt at post-modern art!

[–]11equals7 0 points1 point ago

that's why I don't wash my car.

[–]zipzap21 0 points1 point ago

Do I climb trees and destroy birds' nests? Then stop shitting on my car!

[–]GloveBoxHeart 0 points1 point ago

And then there are the pelicans: the B-52 bomber class of birds that like to shit on people.

I see beachside restaurants with uncovered outdoor seating and I wonder, who in their right mind chooses to eat outside, under the pelicans?!

[–]wojx 0 points1 point ago

This thread got creepy.

[–]thejollyone 0 points1 point ago

sunglasses... YYYYYYEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

[–]Teddy127 0 points1 point ago

So FUNNY!

[–]stella16 0 points1 point ago

Relevant "Seagulls on Laxatives" video.

[–]IKillPigeons 0 points1 point ago

Pigeons... No!

[–]doot_doot 0 points1 point ago

I kid you not, last night I washed my car and drove half a mile back to my house. As I parked and got out of the car, I realized to my horror that somehow I had been picked off by a pigeon sniper who had taken one of the biggest bird shits I've ever seen all over the top of my car. I never stopped underneath a tree, and the drive was so short that there was still water draining from parts of the car when I parked. I was so mad, and I couldn't do anything about it.

[–]Sam_in_a_Jar 0 points1 point ago

[–]Pwninator 0 points1 point ago

This reminded me of...

Relevant

[–]rockuu 0 points1 point ago

Technically speaking it's piss not shit.

[–]TacoFloober 0 points1 point ago

I read this post in the voice of Steve Buschemi.

[–]LtBeard 0 points1 point ago

Perfect url for this. ohdFG. "Oh dear fucking god." I laughed, at least.