I'm a Brit and I've been to an American Football game. It was pants. Oakland Raiders at home to the Shittle Cheesers or whoever. Nothing happened all day.

One yard. 10 minute break. One yard. 10 minute break. Change sides. 10 minute break. Followed by a 10 minute break. More ground was taken at the Somme at the rate those chaps were going at it.

And it was snowing. And I was up in the bleachers or whatever you call it, at the very top of the rotten stadium. Any attempt to move seats into shelter in the otherwise empty place was robustly denied by overzealously officious blackshirts.

The only genuine highlight was the shirtless twerp who cartwheeled over concrete steps and seats, all the way shouting 'Mother Fucker!' before he got arrested, much to mine and my compatriots disappointment.

Football, which typically involves a ball and feet (by definition) is decidedly more entertaining and the fans considerably more enthusiastic, with shirtless cartwheeling drunkeds regarded as small beer, unless involved in a coordinated attack on visiting fans.

Also, the hot dogs were crap. And soggy from the snow. In conclusion, a miserable affair.

I think Metallica were playing in San Jose that weekend. Indoors. Where I wasn't.