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1207
1208

So my wife left 50 Shades of Grey on the table. This is how I felt after reading the first paragraph. (imgur.com)

submitted ago by themvf

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[–]FaZaCon 159 points160 points ago

http://i.imgur.com/g81Yj.png

[–]HayGuiseHay 288 points289 points ago

What is the first paragraph?

[–]Dem0n5 463 points464 points ago

I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. Damn my hair—it just won’t behave, and damn Katherine Kavanagh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal. I should be studying for my final exams, which are next week, yet here I am trying to brush my hair into submission. I must not sleep with it wet. I must not sleep with it wet. Reciting this mantra several times, I attempt, once more, to bring it under control with the brush. I roll my eyes in exasperation and gaze at the pale, brown-haired girl with blue eyes too big for her face staring back at me, and give up. My only option is to restrain my wayward hair in a ponytail and hope that I look semi-presentable.

[–]eatsdogfood 147 points148 points ago

Wow, I thought the first paragraph was going to be some over-the-top sexual stuff that was too gross for Jerry Seinfeld. But it's just lame.

[–]StewieBanana 103 points104 points ago

I scowl with frustration at myself in the mirror. Damn my hair—it just won’t behave, and damn Katherine Kavanagh for being ill and subjecting me to this ordeal. I should be studying for my final exams, which are next week, yet here I am trying to brush my hair into submission. I must not sleep with it wet. I must not sleep with it wet. Reciting this mantra several times, I attempt, once more, to bring it under control with the brush. I roll my eyes in exasperation and gaze at the pale, brown-haired girl with blue eyes too big for her face staring back at me, and give up. My only option is to restrain my wayward hair in a ponytail and dress myself in the clothes my mother laid out for me.

[–]Snowspot 17 points18 points ago

For anyone that doesn't get it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LafoDMH6Tw

[–]clintmccool 38 points39 points ago

Nice.

[–]RichardPhotograph 16 points17 points ago

best Seinfeld reference i've seen on here in ages. Well played.

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    [–]howajambe 41 points42 points ago

    It's not just lame dude it's extremely poorly written and... monotonous. Drivel.

    [–]Dam_Herpond 6 points7 points ago

    And weirdly unrealistic

    I must not sleep with it wet, I must not sleep with it wet

    I don't think anyone would repeat that crap in their head.

    [–]dikdiklikesick 1 point2 points ago

    It's sad that there is so little porn for ladies that something this poorly written sells millions. If you want to be a millionaire, make well produced accessible porn for women.

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      [–]I_scare_children 3 points4 points ago

      I stand in front of the mirror frustrated. I should be studying for my final exams, which are next week, but instead, I'm trying to bring my unruly hair under control. After another failed attempt, I take a final glance at my reflection - the pale, brown-haired girl with blue eyes too big for her face - and I give up. I'll just make a ponytail.

      would be much nicer and brings about as much information to the reader.

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        [–]Hazy_V 60 points61 points ago

        This is exactly how I feel about my pubes.

        [–]Kratoyd 44 points45 points ago

        ...A ponytail?

        [–]Hazy_V 121 points122 points ago

        Don't tell me what I can't do.

        [–]jajandio 24 points25 points ago

        Don't!

        [–]UseThe4s 506 points507 points ago

        I painfully made my way through that entire paragraph. Now I understand OP.

        [–]AscentofDissent 614 points615 points ago

        I'd rather read the ingredients of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

        [–]NowThisIsHappening 1207 points1208 points ago

        Whole Wheat, Sugar, Rice Flour, Canola Oil, Rice Bran Oil, Fructose, Maltodextrin, Dextrose, Salt, Calcium Carbonate, Cinnamon, Soy Lecithin, Trisodium Phosphate, Caramel Color, Annatto Extract Color, Zinc, Iron, Vitamin C, Niacinimide, Vitamin B6, Vitamin B2, Vitamin B1, Vitamin A, Flavor(s) Natural, Folic Acid (Vitamin aB), Milk Non-Fat, Vitamin B12, BHT To Preserve Freshness, Vitamin D

        [–]AscentofDissent 729 points730 points ago

        Literary masterpiece.

        [–]Pergatory 398 points399 points ago

        Indeed, I love how "Annatto Extract Color" is placed in the middle to sort of bisect the paragraph and change up the flow before going back to minerals. Also the twist where you thought it was going to end because they talked about "to preserve freshness" but then nope, they threw in Vitamin D at the end. Totally didn't see that coming. Gave the paragraph a whole different meaning the second time I read it. 9/10, needs more colorful adjectives.

        [–]HITMAN616 204 points205 points ago

        I disagree. Clearly, the author meant to accentuate the most important ingredients (whole wheat, sugar, rice flour) by emphasizing the weakness of those that follow. The ingredients grip you until the end, not because of their innate power, but because of their dependence upon those that went before: indeed, in their powerlessness.

        [–]SHREDDED_WHEAT 116 points117 points ago

        People are going to be arguing this for ages, but I am really interested in the author's meaning behind the meaning of "BHT To Preserve Freshness." We may never know.

        [–]lifeofbri 60 points61 points ago

        Anyone catch the "Milk non-fat" and "Flavor(s) Natural?" By putting the adjective after the noun, what message do you think the author was trying to send the audience, class?

        [–]ilion 26 points27 points ago

        I thought the idea of "Freshness" at that point was a wonderful twist on expectations and makes a re-reading very worthwhile.

        [–]goofandaspoof 2 points3 points ago

        It's really a metaphor for our society isn't it? Those things that come early in our life are given the most importance. We villify those things that come later. As a result, we see less and less of the things we love the later we get in our lives.

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          [–]DUmpy-Pillow 41 points42 points ago

          BHT preserves the freshness!? when i read it just.... freaking curveball. George R.R. Martin man

          [–]sbwdux 28 points29 points ago

          And now BHT is DEAD! In your face!

          [–]SirFappington_The3rd 8 points9 points ago

          Spoiler tags people! C'mon!

          [–]Sir_Vyvin 2 points3 points ago

          Darn, he had the best fiscal policy for the realm, too.

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            [–]b0w3n 9 points10 points ago

            ... I ain't even mad.

            [–]lemonpjb 2 points3 points ago

            Fun fact: annato seeds have been used traditionally to give cheddar cheese its signature bright orange color.

            Interesting that they are also in Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

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                [–]gguy123 87 points88 points ago

                "One of the most riveting reads I've personally experienced; a life-changer."

                -Cap'n Crunch

                "One word: Grrrreat"

                -Tony the Tiger

                "For kids... definitely. But only adults will recognize it's brilliance."

                -The Trix Rabbit

                [–]210TX 15 points16 points ago

                "The Trix Rabbit" review is hilarious

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                  [–]turbo 20 points21 points ago

                  I have no idea what Cinnamon Toast Crunch is, but damn that sounds tasty.

                  [–]TheBoyWhoCriedDicks 36 points37 points ago

                  You could always have sex for it

                  [–]confuzzledfather 3 points4 points ago

                  I have total Deja meme with this comment. I laughed because of the familiarity of recognising this idea, but I have no idea of the context

                  [–]walesmd 15 points16 points ago

                  Best cereal of all time. I had to stop buying it because I was eating it by the box.

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                    [–]Ruddiver 11 points12 points ago

                    For those of you unfamiliar, Niacinimide is the act of killing Niacinim, fabled greek god of pebbles. It involves shoving rocks down a person's throat.

                    [–]irrelevant_spiderman 6 points7 points ago

                    Why isn't this a best seller?

                    edit- Nevermind, Cinnamon Toast Crunch consistently reaches the 13 spot on best selling cereals in the United States.

                    [–]redgamut 7 points8 points ago

                    I came at Vitamin B6

                    [–]AweBeth 2 points3 points ago

                    Look at all of those vitamins! Maybe I should change cereals.

                    [–]zyzzogeton 2 points3 points ago

                    I like the subtle mystery that is represented by "flavor(s)".

                    [–]markymark_inc 2 points3 points ago

                    How about a mash-up: I scowl with frustration at Whole Wheat in the Sugar. Damn my Rice—it just won’t behave, and damn Canola Oil for being ill and subjecting Bran Oil to this ordeal. Flour should be studying Maltodextrin, yet here I am trying to brush Salt into Calcium Carbonate. Soy Lecithin must not sleep with wet Trisodium Phosphate. Fructose must not sleep with Dextrose. Reciting this Caramel Color several times, I attempt, once more, to bring it under control with the Annatto Extract Color. I roll my Cinnamon in exasperation and gaze at the pale, Iron-hair with Natural Flavors too big for Folic Acid staring back at me, and give up. My only option is to restrain my Vitamin B1, B2, B6, and B6 and hope that I Preserve Freshness.

                    [–]BiGEyE-6 2 points3 points ago

                    10/10 would read again

                    [–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

                    Succinct and informative, with the main points placed clearly at the start of the paragraph. I enjoyed the juxtaposition of the two aspects of Folic Acid and Vitamin aB. Also, the author cleverly employs the term "to preserve freshness", in order to channel emotional references of preserving freedom.

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                      [–]tvreruns 6 points7 points ago

                      AlphaRedditor concurs.

                      [–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

                      I concur, because I'm Alpha like that.

                      [–]splel_cechk_fwt 2 points3 points ago

                      But would you rather have sex for Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

                      [–]wantonballbag 20 points21 points ago

                      It really is a book for masochists.

                      [–]stillalone 13 points14 points ago

                      It didn't seem too bad. I was imagining a hot, wet, naked girl, with self esteem issues. What's not to like.

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                        [–]pjhollow 139 points140 points ago

                        submission, wet, wet, bring it under control, restrain.

                        Oh man, what a master of subtlety! /sarcasm

                        [–]CaffeinatedGuy 39 points40 points ago

                        I didn't pick up on that at all, but I've learned from reddit that it has a lot of bdsm in it... so it's kinda like foreshadowing at this point, right?

                        [–]shibblywibbly 53 points54 points ago

                        Yeah but the author calls it "that foreshading thingie"

                        [–]ApologiesForThisPost 2 points3 points ago

                        I hear the book has a lot of thingies in it.

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                          [–]animevamp727 4 points5 points ago

                          ...it has alot of what someone who has read alot of fan fiction and never really looked into the BDSM community would think passes as BDSM. the relationship it plays out is anything but the "typical" BDSM relationship, it goes to places that only the hardest core of a sub group of the BDSM community would tread on.

                          [–]cerephic 6 points7 points ago

                          no, it goes to places that no sub would bother with, because the "dom" is an inexperienced pushy asshole with no respect for boundaries.

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                              [–]Takochu 58 points59 points ago

                              Eyes too big for her face? What is she, a pug?

                              [–]Galpa 25 points26 points ago

                              I like pugs.

                              [–]soimolted_whynot 45 points46 points ago

                              Standard Mary-Jane type flaw that is not actually a flaw. Like a cute little pug, now that I think about it.

                              [–]moql 14 points15 points ago

                              Do you mean Mary Sue?

                              [–]Takochu 9 points10 points ago

                              http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2esfW4gBNao

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                                  [–]StewieBanana 87 points88 points ago

                                  That paragraph raises so many questions. Is she getting ready for bed or about to go out? Why doesn't she just use a hairdryer? And what does Katherine being sick have to do with this ordeal!?

                                  Whoever wrote this is a master of suspense. I have to pick this book up on my way home from work tonight.

                                  [–]tickif 10 points11 points ago

                                  dont bother, just read this blog of it instead. she breaks it down chapter by chapter and rips it apart. its hilarious.

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                                    [–]GodOfFap 47 points48 points ago

                                    I wish I could downvote a book

                                    [–]colonel_mortimer 23 points24 points ago

                                    You know who else downvoted books?

                                    [–]technoSurrealist 40 points41 points ago

                                    ...Hitler?

                                    [–]Godwin_s_Lawyer 21 points22 points ago

                                    OBJECTION!

                                    Those were Jews, not books, Your Honor.

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                                        [–]Hughtub 105 points106 points ago

                                        Jesus Christ that is boring as FUCK. No wonder several amazon reviews say it's like a teenager's writing style and perspective.

                                        [–]FranciumGoesBoom 70 points71 points ago

                                        Litterally based on this woman's twilight fan fiction

                                        [–]Moonohol 69 points70 points ago

                                        It's not based on it. It's the exact same word-for-word but with the names changed.

                                        [–]realitysfringe 6 points7 points ago

                                        And then Edward CHRISTIAN thrust his hot, vampire-hood into Bella ANASTASIA's quivering femininity. Bella ANASTASIA had wanted it for a long time, but she was afraid. Jacob would be furious, and may even take action against the vampires in a blind Lycan rage. But, it didn;t matter. Not right now. She wanted, no, needed Edward's CHRISTIAN's hot, throbbing wicky-wham in her tight, moist, oscillating dumbly-doo. Her down-there parts. Her no-no area. Yes, the inner-goddess was calling out to her strong, independent womanhood! She may be a boring, average-looking, humorless, dead-eyed nobody in everyday life, but here in the arms of this strong-virile, undulating vampire she was a QUEEN!

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                                          [–]Majestic_Monkey 6 points7 points ago

                                          like kitty litterally?

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                                              [–]rigadoog 15 points16 points ago

                                              terrrrrible writing

                                              [–]Epershand 85 points86 points ago

                                              As a writer myself:

                                              I hate this book. I hate, hate, hate this shitty, can't-believe-it-got-published, 'for sad, lonely housewives' book. FUCK YOU.

                                              [–]Siverix 93 points94 points ago

                                              You're just mad because you're not shallow enough to get published.

                                              [–]Lereas 8 points9 points ago

                                              That's how I feel every time I go to work on my book. The books that are selling are shallow bullshit and amazingly epic ASoIaF. I feel like I have too much integrity to write bullshit, and I don't write as well as GRRM.

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                                                [–]JoinRedditTheySaid 6 points7 points ago

                                                I wish I could channel your rage into a machine that would punch the author in the face.

                                                [–]khokis 14 points15 points ago

                                                Three books (well, more than three, as some are series) that make me question my ability as a writer:

                                                1. Twilight Saga
                                                2. Tucker Max
                                                3. This bullshit pulls in at number three on the I-hate-my-life list.

                                                What are we doing wrong? :(

                                                [–]Epershand 28 points29 points ago

                                                I think, and this is kind of my theory on Twilight/Grey: I think people (esp. women who want more excitement in their lives) like washed-out female characters so that there's room for them to project themselves into said character.

                                                If there's a strong female character, it becomes a separate person, so they are reading someone else's' story. However, if the main female lead is shallow enough, it allows the reader to project themselves in their place. Thus, it becomes their fantasy.

                                                And these books shouldn't make you question your ability as a writer; but they will make you question your marketability.

                                                [–]DVentresca 20 points21 points ago

                                                So bella swan is like Commander Shepard for people who don't like good literature and cant play video games?

                                                [–]nolens_volens 5 points6 points ago

                                                Go easy on C.Shep, at least he had abilities.

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                                                      [–]Stalejokesbakedfresh 27 points28 points ago

                                                      That was the longest, most intense hair-combing sequence I have ever read.

                                                      Katherine Kavanagh is such a bitch for putting her through that.

                                                      [–]catipillar 7 points8 points ago

                                                      OMG, IKR, rite? Damn Katherine Kavanagh for her prolonged illness...I mean, now she has to like, look at her flowing tendrils of unruly, oak like locks and stuff, and gaze at her somber, like, really big eyes in her mirror.

                                                      [–]smartzie 21 points22 points ago

                                                      You know what this sounds like? It sounds like that pretty and popular girl in high school saying how fat she is out loud so that all her sycophantic friends will soothe her and tell her how skinny and beautiful she is. Ugh.

                                                      [–]dungbootle 18 points19 points ago

                                                      I might have written this in the sixth grade.

                                                      [–]Nougat 42 points43 points ago

                                                      "How am I going to let the reader know what this character looks like? I know, I'll have her describe herself to herself while looking in a mirror!"

                                                      Wow, this is shit.

                                                      [–]othermatt 16 points17 points ago

                                                      The pale, brown-haired girl with blue eyes too big for her face scowls at me in the mirror. The brush snags against a snarl once again; pulling at my scalp. I want to sleep, or study, or something other than try and force my hair into submission. But my hair is wet, and "I must not sleep with it wet." I curse myself for not buying a blow dryer when it was on sale. $9.99 is not too high a price to pay for peace of mind. Or conditioner might help, a bargain at $1.99 at Vons with club card. The brush becomes stuck in my hair, dangling there like a flacid penis. As I extract it, the girl in the mirror rolls her eyes at me in exasperation. I reach for the scrunchy on the counter. A ponytail will have to do.

                                                      I spend the next hour doing other things. Somehow my hair magically becomes dry before I'm ready to go to bed. That's fortunate. Bad things happen when I sleep with it wet. The pillow is warm on my face, mostly because I was sitting on it while I plucked the lint from my belly button. I like sleeping on a warm pillow, I pretend I'm a walrus sleeping on my pod-mate. If only it wasn't just a fantasy. Walruses can sleep with wet hair without incident. But alas, I have no tusks.

                                                      Took a stab at fixing it.

                                                      [–]Limiate 6 points7 points ago

                                                      That is horrible writing. Why is this book so popular... oh wait.

                                                      [–]MSpainting 11 points12 points ago

                                                      Any good writer knows that you really have to capture your audience at the beginning of your book. Writing an entire paragraph about a woman complaining about her friends her hair and the way she looks is an interesting direction to take that...

                                                      [–]Lord_Purple_ 3 points4 points ago

                                                      Put me in mind of a much worse written Patrick Bateman.

                                                      [–]Ron_Mahogany 7 points8 points ago

                                                      I could write better than this! Oh fuck me for not going into writing smut for millions instead of IT.

                                                      [–]hidden_munky 12 points13 points ago

                                                      I then decide its time for SEXY TIME.... bent over in frustration I slide my hairbush in my tight little anus making it most from my recently trimmed vagina

                                                      [–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

                                                      Somewhere in heaven Hemingway is frantically looking for another shotgun...

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                                                        [–]yuwashme 6 points7 points ago

                                                        I also came here to read the further explanation in the comments.

                                                        Maybe OP (or someone else) will deliver?

                                                        [–]splicegrl 374 points375 points ago

                                                        This is the only book where I hated the main character before the end of the first page.

                                                        And I'm the target demographic.

                                                        [–]Borsy 56 points57 points ago

                                                        My girlfriend reads romantic novels, watches bravo, and is horny all the freaking time...she should love the book. She quit after 40 pages. Said it was written so poorly that she couldn't bring herself to try anymore. That's when I knew how terrible it was.

                                                        [–]Ajinho 20 points21 points ago

                                                        people who actually read other books are not the target demographic

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                                                          [–]dontsaynotoday 77 points78 points ago

                                                          I am with you there. The writing is godawful. I wanted to gouge my eyes out after reading the first page. I couldn't go any further. I'm sure the sex scenes are "juicy" or whatever, but there are TONS of much steamier erotica out there. The only reason this got so popular was the controversy with it originally being a Twilight fanfiction.

                                                          [–]wittyusernameplease 74 points75 points ago

                                                          Yep. The writing makes me vomit a little in my mouth. I suppose the women who read it just don't know about literotica. That site is a goldmine. A beautiful and erotic goldmine.

                                                          [–]splicegrl 57 points58 points ago

                                                          There were multiple moments when I had to stop and confirm that she had reproduced, and therefore had sex at some point in her life. I've read hotter, more realistic sex scenes in fanfiction written by 16 year olds.

                                                          [–]XypherFTW 15 points16 points ago

                                                          Someone should probably put a link to those whenever someone mentions how good it is...

                                                          Also, I'm probably the only person who doesn't know what 50 Shades of Grey is... And don't say 'you don't wanna know' because people said the same thing about 2 girls 1 cup.

                                                          And I WANTED TO KNOW.

                                                          [–]nancy_ballosky 7 points8 points ago

                                                          Just some erotic novels. From what my girlfriend told me it was good writing and steamy scenes, but apparently from all the flak here on reddit it is absolutely horrible. So take take my response with a grain of salt I guess.

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                                                            [–]theislandking 2 points3 points ago

                                                            That part about sixteen year old expert porn writers is on the money.

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                                                                [–][deleted] 40 points41 points ago

                                                                The main chick from Twilight is a complete bitch from the start.

                                                                [–]splicegrl 70 points71 points ago

                                                                Well, yeah, but it took me two whole pages to hate her.

                                                                [–]PARSLEYsage 9 points10 points ago

                                                                Maybe it was an experience in honing your sense of distinction.

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                                                                    [–]JustBrowsing4Chan 164 points165 points ago

                                                                    Are you telling me you have boobs?

                                                                    [–]science87 160 points161 points ago

                                                                    If the reddit meetups are anything to go by, that isn't going to narrow things down much.

                                                                    [–]crayola_ferrari 118 points119 points ago

                                                                    http://i.imgur.com/WbL92.jpg (extremely NSFW)

                                                                    [–]pizzatuesdays 50 points51 points ago

                                                                    Am I the only one who read his dialogue in the Peter Griffin voice?

                                                                    [–]hyperstellardreams 5 points6 points ago

                                                                    I wouldn't call that extremely nsfw

                                                                    [–]McBride36 19 points20 points ago

                                                                    I don't know if I should tell you to label that NSFW...
                                                                    I'm torn...

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                                                                      [–]splicegrl 107 points108 points ago

                                                                      No boobs, sadly, but I am female.

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                                                                        [–]kadmylos 14 points15 points ago

                                                                        According to wiki, 50 Shades of Grey was originally Twilight fanfiction. Not even lying.

                                                                        [–]splicegrl 14 points15 points ago

                                                                        I know... The worst part? I can actually see where she took out the 'Twilight/supernatural' stuff. I had a friend do a text comparison on the original fanfic, and apparently the (first) book is an 89% match to the original fic.

                                                                        How did this get published?

                                                                        [–]HarryLeggs 7 points8 points ago

                                                                        Name changes and the boyfriend's parents' careers swapped.

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                                                                          [–]stachc 2 points3 points ago

                                                                          I picked up the book, read the first sentence, said, "Nope!" and tossed it back on the pile.

                                                                          I am also the target demographic.

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                                                                            [–]joegard 218 points219 points ago

                                                                            Men need something equivalent to 50 Shades of Grey. Oh wait, we have Peterotica as read by Betty White: Welcome to Peterotica on tape. I'm Betty White reading "The Hot Chick Who Was Italian or Maybe Some Kind of Spanish" by Peter Griffin. Chapter one, Oh god, you should have seen this one hot chick. She was totally Italian...or maybe some kind of Spanish.

                                                                            [–]SarcasticOptimist 94 points95 points ago

                                                                            There's a video of Gilbert Gottfried reading portions of 50 Shades of Grey. I would buy the audiobook if it was a real thing.

                                                                            Edit: Thank you all who replied with the link.

                                                                            [–]jermacalocas 65 points66 points ago

                                                                            and the hunt begins!

                                                                            edit : Found edit: "CLITOORIS!"

                                                                            [–]ftFlo 10 points11 points ago

                                                                            holy shit... fisting? is this the actual text?

                                                                            [–]splicegrl 15 points16 points ago

                                                                            Yes. Yes it is.

                                                                            [–]ftFlo 8 points9 points ago

                                                                            Thank you?

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                                                                              [–]ChemicalShenanigans 46 points47 points ago

                                                                              CLITOOOOOORIS

                                                                              [–]jakeleo90 15 points16 points ago

                                                                              Stroking the front wall of my VAGIYNA!

                                                                              [–]tre101 2 points3 points ago

                                                                              Page 323. Of course.

                                                                              [–]lets_be_frank_ 13 points14 points ago

                                                                              Ive never wanted anything to exist more in my life

                                                                              [–]werferofflammen 7 points8 points ago

                                                                              Same with the voice actor of duke nukem

                                                                              [–]mxt920 62 points63 points ago

                                                                              Oh, yeah... getting hot in here!

                                                                              [–]IMasturbateToMyself 2 points3 points ago

                                                                              In fact, it's getting so hot I might just take off my pants. You know, so it will be cooler and stuff.

                                                                              [–]lemon_meringue 14 points15 points ago

                                                                              Just go to Alt Sex Stories Text Repository. There's a search function so you don't get bogged down in unnecessary bodice-ripping (or to find ALL THE BODICE-RIPPING, if that's your thing). There's a ton of stuff to choose from, from all levels of filth and smut. Easy to troll for any fetishy stuff.

                                                                              And, most thoughtfully, there's a hands-free scrolling app included with almost all the stories!

                                                                              You're welcome.

                                                                              /prefers hot textual action to pron

                                                                              edit: forgot a word, but also bonus: no ads

                                                                              [–]bfogarty27 11 points12 points ago

                                                                              Someone really should make this just to see how outraged women get over it

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                                                                                [–]Rajabear 70 points71 points ago

                                                                                I so so wish Gilbert Gottfried did the whole book on tape.

                                                                                I would give it to every twit of a women who's all giggling about how "scandalous" they are for reading it.

                                                                                [–]Aihwa 13 points14 points ago

                                                                                I would listen to anything narrated by that man.

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                                                                                  [–]loves_reposts 32 points33 points ago

                                                                                  At what point does the book start talking about cocks and vaginas?

                                                                                  [–]fantanaranja 20 points21 points ago

                                                                                  I also need to know this

                                                                                  [–]AlexisNicole 6 points7 points ago

                                                                                  The author never uses the words cock or vagina, or any variant of. She will use phrases like "down there" or the word "sex" for a pussy. Seriously. She uses it like this: "He touched my sex."

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                                                                                    [–]great_gape 29 points30 points ago

                                                                                    So my MOM left 50 Shades of Grey on the table. This is how I felt after reading the first paragraph.

                                                                                    [–]jcmc2112 4 points5 points ago

                                                                                    My mom wouldn't shut up about it. I figured it was something gay like Twilight. Out of boredom, I looked it up and read "Fifty Shades of Grey is a 2011 erotic novel by British author E. L. James."

                                                                                    MFW: http://i.imgur.com/x2yme.jpg

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                                                                                      [–]deelar 22 points23 points ago

                                                                                      I genuinely do not understand how this book got such enormous recognition. If it isn't particularly interesting or ground breaking, can anyone explain the process of how a particular book like this one becomes a household name?

                                                                                      What makes 50 Shades of Grey such a big hit, rather than a similar book? It just makes no sense to me.. was there some sort of huge viral marketing campaign behind it?

                                                                                      [–][deleted] ago

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                                                                                      [–]tazzydnc 24 points25 points ago

                                                                                      My guess is that it's famous b/c it's a cheesy erotica novel that doesn't look or sound like an erotica novel. The title "50 shades of grey" sounds sad, not sexy.

                                                                                      A lot of people have an aversion to erotica novels - they look upon them as "smut" and didn't want to give them a chance, perhaps out of self-righteousness or fear of judgement from others.

                                                                                      B/c of the title and cover, people didn't make that snap judgement, and read erotica for what it is, and enjoyed it. Commence popularity.

                                                                                      [–]ChuckADuck 13 points14 points ago

                                                                                      This really is the heart of it. The books don't have Fabio on the cover. The title is innocent enough that if you were reading it on the train, and someone hadn't heard about the series, nobody would immediately assume you were reading porn.

                                                                                      The fact that you can find better written pieces on Literotica without even trying is sort of unfortunate though.

                                                                                      [–]explodingplant 5 points6 points ago

                                                                                      I see better smut everyday just on the tags of tumblr posts. I think it's ridiculous people who don't read smut jumped on the worst of the worst because it had a posh sounding title. It's a Mary Sue of a Mary Sue written by someone who hates good writing based on their work.

                                                                                      [–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

                                                                                      So it's paperback romance that was marketed properly so that it hooked consumers who normally avoid the genre.

                                                                                      It's like fast food with nice packaging and decor basically.

                                                                                      Ironically from the exerpts I've read the quality of writing is probably worse than you'd find in the average paperback romance.

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                                                                                          [–]k1ko 44 points45 points ago

                                                                                          Now they should make a gangbang or bukkake porn called "50 Shades of White".

                                                                                          [–]SmokeyDBear 11 points12 points ago

                                                                                          From what I've heard it'd probably have a more nuanced plot than the book.

                                                                                          [–]chuhai 67 points68 points ago

                                                                                          I don't understand the hoopla around this book? Did women not know that erotica has existed for hundreds of years?

                                                                                          [–]Billy_Reuben 100 points101 points ago

                                                                                          My wife, an avid reader, has read all three books and found them to be trite and mildly insulting. So I asked her "is this book just some trash 5-dollar Wal-Mart romance novel with slightly more kink and without Fabio on the cover?"

                                                                                          She said "If that."

                                                                                          I think this series is aimed at the grown-up versions of the very average, unimaginative Twilight fans that find themselves in boring, sexless marriages. I had an aunt that consumed literally over a thousand of those dime store softcore porn novels rather than doing something about her shitty marriage for a decade.

                                                                                          [–]ManticoreX 54 points55 points ago

                                                                                          If your wife didn't like the first book why did she read the second...and then the third?

                                                                                          [–]anonymous-coward 54 points55 points ago

                                                                                          The food here is so terrible. And the portions are so small, you always need to get seconds.

                                                                                          [–]Billy_Reuben 20 points21 points ago

                                                                                          She can't let a series go, even if it's shitty, and I didn't know she was reading it. Once, when she was bitching about some series a few years ago I made her stop reading by telling her "you know, it's okay to stop. You'll be okay if you don't find out what happens to characters you couldn't give a shit about."

                                                                                          [–]stagfury 3 points4 points ago

                                                                                          So, basically my relationship with Sword of Truth then.

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                                                                                            [–]Somehero 5 points6 points ago

                                                                                            probably cause they are short and she was wondering if they ever got good?

                                                                                            [–]voo055 2 points3 points ago

                                                                                            she probably bought all 3 at once and just said "fuck it"

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                                                                                                  [–]portorock 48 points49 points ago

                                                                                                  This blogger reads and completely eviscerates this worthless excuse of a book.

                                                                                                  [–]Pandafacepants 15 points16 points ago

                                                                                                  Oh great, my boyfriend's friends and family are reading these fucking books and from the blog, it seems they're stuffed full of the most bullshitty stereotypical cliches about all things BDSM. Just what I fucking need.

                                                                                                  At least the blog is entertaining as fuck.

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                                                                                                    [–]crayola_ferrari 159 points160 points ago

                                                                                                    More like 50 Shades of Gaaaay

                                                                                                    [–]kay547 25 points26 points ago

                                                                                                    I think the writing in 50 Shades of Grey is analogous to the acting in most porn - just completely terrible, but some people will put up with it.

                                                                                                    [–]landdolphinman 22 points23 points ago

                                                                                                    But you can mute porn.

                                                                                                    [–]evilned 16 points17 points ago

                                                                                                    My wife read it and enjoyed it. I used it as a gateway to get her into better erotica though. She's reading Anne Rice's Sleeping Beauty trilogy right now, and my penis is happy.

                                                                                                    [–]MrTemple 34 points35 points ago

                                                                                                    Dude, she's dropping you a very big hint.

                                                                                                    Instead of making fun, or looking down your nose, it's time to buy your wife some really good, really hot erotica.

                                                                                                    You will thank you for it.

                                                                                                    [–]Qaltilon 16 points17 points ago

                                                                                                    or just bang her?

                                                                                                    [–]lemon_meringue 8 points9 points ago

                                                                                                    Seriously. If I were a guy I'd read it and use it as a prime teachable moment for what turns my partner on.

                                                                                                    I buy lingerie because my husband likes it, not because I do.

                                                                                                    [–]MrTemple 3 points4 points ago

                                                                                                    And most importantly, if she finds she likes the 50 shades tripe, but that's the only erotica she's been exposed to, chances are that she'll really like the more adult stuff.

                                                                                                    [–]boredwillow 5 points6 points ago

                                                                                                    Except a lot of women are reading it just to see what the fuss is about.

                                                                                                    No guy should go out and buy vaginal beads and a cat o nine tails without some prior discussion.

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                                                                                                        [–]CubedRoot 43 points44 points ago

                                                                                                        Trash talk the book all you want. My wife read the entire trilogy. Since then I have been getting all kinds of sexed up from her, sometimes multiple times per day. And its satisfying sex for both of as well.

                                                                                                        So, as long as the books get my wife in the mood for sexy times, I have no problems with how shitty its written. I will never read them, but I do enjoy the side effects.

                                                                                                        Keep on writing this stuff, EL James (or whomever wrote it), cause my penis thanks you!

                                                                                                        [–]MeloJelo 17 points18 points ago

                                                                                                        I guess whatever gets you going . . . but I question why this particular item does it for your wife, and nothing else does? Is this just the first time she's read a racy book?

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                                                                                                          [–]themaxx2001 84 points85 points ago

                                                                                                          I'll tell you right now, that book's pretty insulting to folks in actual Dom/Sub relationships...

                                                                                                          [–]taytertot29 46 points47 points ago

                                                                                                          I disagree. If it was touted as what a "healthy" D/s relationship ought to be, then I would understand being 'insulted'. But the fact is, it isn't. It is sinmply a fictional story meant to play to many womens fantasy of being the only one able to fix a tragically broken man, with some light kink mixed in. No reason to be offended IMO.

                                                                                                          [–][deleted] ago

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                                                                                                          [–]Mcflexington 55 points56 points ago

                                                                                                          Do you guys intentionally write it D/s so that the D is dominating the s or what?

                                                                                                          [–]christianjb 53 points54 points ago

                                                                                                          The dominator is over the denominator.

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                                                                                                            [–]I_promised_myself 7 points8 points ago

                                                                                                            Knowing nothing about the book, I suspect the motive of the writer was to make a shitload of money, not educate/advocate about the realities of BDSM.

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                                                                                                              [–]soimolted_whynot 16 points17 points ago

                                                                                                              That's exactly what people say to defend Twilight: That there's no reason to get offended by a series with its level of popularity, a series which is very influential to young girls, even though it portrays an unhealthy relationship. Twilight is fiction, but it's still wrong to market a series so heavily when that series teaches that it's okay for a man to stalk a young girl, that a woman needs a man (regardless of that man's bad behavior) in order to be saved, that it's okay to fall in love with a fetus or whatever, etc. etc. Weird, misogynistic Mormon shit should never be as popular as that series is.

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                                                                                                                  [–]EpitomEngineer 34 points35 points ago

                                                                                                                  I don't give two flying Fibonacci's about the contents of the book. It is the title that bothers me! There are really 254 shades of grey!

                                                                                                                  [–]JustCouldntStayAway 25 points26 points ago

                                                                                                                  Yeah, but this book only deals with 50 of them. The author thought that attempting to tackle the full spectrum of grays would be too ambitious for this type of book.

                                                                                                                  [–]pohatu 16 points17 points ago

                                                                                                                  Well, there are 254 shades of gray in 8-bit grayscale. But you can have other resolutions. That said, you can select a subset of those 254 to have 50 shades of gray. Here's a box containing 50 shades of gray. There are others, but here are 50 of them.

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                                                                                                                    [–]jimmycobwell 23 points24 points ago

                                                                                                                    It could be worse... there could have been a cucumber next to it.

                                                                                                                    [–]crusaderofsin 27 points28 points ago

                                                                                                                    You mean a pickle.

                                                                                                                    [–]chickenfun1 12 points13 points ago

                                                                                                                    pickle surprise

                                                                                                                    [–]blatheringDolt 1 point2 points ago

                                                                                                                    Where's the pickle?

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                                                                                                                        [–]bultonic 23 points24 points ago

                                                                                                                        Reddit, this has become a sad circlejerk. We get it, 50 shades of grey is poorly written. Name one porn film you've ever seen that was well written. This is essentially a book of porn, targeted at women. Do you expect it to be a masterpiece?

                                                                                                                        In short, can we stop this before it gets as bad as Chuck Norris or how durable an old Nokia is?

                                                                                                                        [–]VirtualAlex 9 points10 points ago

                                                                                                                        That isn't a reasonable complaint because there is erotica that is good, possibly some that may be considered a masterpiece. I think if millions of people are reading a book and recommending it to their friends it IS actually reasonable to believe that is it is good. This hole circlejerk is pretty much reasonable people lamenting the fact that "the world" doesn't know shit from gold. It is a worthwhile circlejerk.

                                                                                                                        Also I think it's presumptuous of you to say all porn is bad, and no porn can be a masterpiece.

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                                                                                                                          [–]luvslabs3 18 points19 points ago

                                                                                                                          As a woman and avid reader, I have no idea how this book is so popular. I barely made it through the first of the 3 books. I skimmed the sex scenes!! Who does that?? That should be the part you reread. There are many other authors that can actually tell a story, and really get you hot for the sex scenes (try Diana Gabaldon, or Suzanne Brockman).

                                                                                                                          [–]RealisticEpiphany 4 points5 points ago

                                                                                                                          Tell her to shave off her head. It's pretty good for the summer.

                                                                                                                          [–]mysticalfruit 2 points3 points ago

                                                                                                                          Once I was told that the author got her start writing twilight fanfic, I knew nothing good could possibly come of it.

                                                                                                                          [–]cobaltgiant 3 points4 points ago

                                                                                                                          Do you think I can make girls like me if I read this book and try to bond with them over it?

                                                                                                                          [–]draconian 45 points46 points ago

                                                                                                                          Here's the thing: you guys are not the target audience. Here's the other thing: say what you want about writing quality, 'fanfic', and 'mommy porn', but it's hard to argue with success. EL James can afford to laugh all the way to the bank.

                                                                                                                          [–][deleted] 13 points14 points ago

                                                                                                                          I remember when a young boy could laugh his way to the bank; now it seems only millionaires can afford it.

                                                                                                                          [–]LikesGirls 37 points38 points ago

                                                                                                                          Am I the only one around here who doesn't care if a book/movie I don't like is successful?

                                                                                                                          If some people enjoy it, then let them. As long as they aren't hurting anyone, it's harmless.

                                                                                                                          [–]TreLeans 13 points14 points ago

                                                                                                                          When people like shit, more shit is made e.g. reality television. The thing is, shit is really easy to make. So it's cheap. Art requires time and talent, so it's not cheap.

                                                                                                                          If we don't yell at people for liking stupid shit, then companies are going to keep producing stupid shit and not spending their time or money on art.

                                                                                                                          So in a way they are hurting everyone, and in a way you're hurting everyone by ignoring that.

                                                                                                                          That's why there are shows like Chelsea Lately, and that's why in America the shit that comes out of our ass is more interesting than the shit that comes out of our mouths.

                                                                                                                          [–]leblanck 83 points84 points ago

                                                                                                                          Does that mean we're not allowed to mock it? So sorry I've offended you by hating something you don't.

                                                                                                                          [–]Articunozard 23 points24 points ago

                                                                                                                          Metahate

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                                                                                                                                [–]Librarianerd 2 points3 points ago

                                                                                                                                My favorite review: Katrina Lumsden reviews Fifty Shades of Grey.

                                                                                                                                The reviews of the other two are pretty funny, too. I feel like I don't really even need to read the books. Reading the reviews is way more fun.

                                                                                                                                [–]HolyNarwhal 2 points3 points ago

                                                                                                                                You took the book to the bathroom?

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