this post was submitted on
1,115 points (73% like it)
1,757 up votes 642 down votes

TwoXChromosomes

unsubscribe104,107 readers

202 users here now

TwoX: It's time for another Image Fest Friday!

Welcome to TwoXChromosomes, a subreddit for thoughtful content - serious or silly - related to gender, and intended for womens' perspectives.

Charity campaigns (what's this?)

She's the First

Thoughtful, Meaningful Content

Posts are moderated for content according to the following guidelines:

  1. Respect: No hatred, bigotry, assholery, utter idiocy, misogyny, misandry, transphobia, homophobia, or otherwise disrespectful commentary. Please follow reddiquette.

  2. Equanimity: No drama-inducing crossposting of content found in other subreddits. Likewise, posts found to direct odious influxes here may be removed.

  3. Grace: No tactless posts generalising gender. We are a welcoming community. Rights of all genders are supported here.

  4. Relevance: Please submit content that is relevant to our experiences as women, for women, or about women.

  5. Images: No memes or rage comics; Please direct those to /r/TrollXChromosomes. All personal stories and pictures are welcome within self posts; the only exception is on Image-Fest Friday.

Please read our FAQ for more details

View 2XC + TrollX combined!

Related subreddits

/r/FancyFollicles /r/femalefashionadvice
/r/MakeupAddiction /r/RedditLaqueristas
/r/BodyAcceptance /r/Fashion
/r/xxfitness /r/lookoftheday
/r/2XLookbook /r/TrollXChromosomes
/r/Mommit /r/BabyBumps
/r/infertility /r/adoption
/r/childfree /r/birthcontrol
/r/TryingForABaby /r/actuallesbians
/r/ainbow /r/lesbianfashionadvice
/r/feminism /r/feminisms
/r/LadiesofScience /r/women
/r/blackgirls /r/asiantwoX
/r/AskWomen /r/EntWives
/r/2xLite /r/femmit
/r/LadyBoners /r/ladyladyboners
/r/GirlGamers /r/lezsaysmoargaming
/r/ProjectUnbreakable /r/PCOS
/r/ABraThatFits /r/TwoXSex
/r/bigboobproblems /r/womenrock

Resources

Abortion support Assault & DV Resources

#reddit-twoxchromosomes on irc.freenode.net

created by HiFructoseCornFecesa community for

reddit is a source for what's new and popular online. vote on links that you like or dislike and help decide what's popular, or submit your own! learn more ›

all 154 comments

[–]Raddpixie 45 points46 points ago

Man that sucks.

I once had an acquaintance that had all this thinspiration and tried to get me into it with her. She would tell me how she was proud of Ana/Mia and how good I could look too if I looked into it instead of judging it. In the end I'm glad I never did and I'm glad she eventually got the help she needed for it.

[–]flabbytabby 22 points23 points ago

My cat is named Mia, and I recently tagged a photo of her on the photo-sharing app Instagram with her name. Out of curiosity I clicked to see what else was tagged with that word...almost all of the photos were pro-Ana/Mia. I had never heard of that before, and found it really shocking.

I felt like reaching out to some of the girls posting these pictures, but I wouldn't know what to say. It made me really sad, though.

[–]angrybubble 13 points14 points ago

We should tag more pictures of cats with "mia" or "ana" so when people search those words instead of getting pictures of thinspiration and skinny girls they get a bunch of cuddly kitties

Thinspiration? Nah. Welcome to Cat Facts!

[–]ErrantWhimsy 3 points4 points ago

I love this idea!

[–]theschlann 13 points14 points ago

I was curious so I looked up that tag on Instagram... your cat is cute.

[–]flabbytabby 4 points5 points ago

Thanks!! She's very photogenic :)

[–]duckduck_goose 18 points19 points ago

Ha I just did the same thing and then felt weird lurking a redditor's instagram. (Is it weird that I feel a disconnect with redditors and am amazed to see they are real actual people? I always feel weird like "hey it's a person doing real people things over there.")

[–]corneconomy 10 points11 points ago

That's why I always panic when I encounter a redditor in the wild.

[–]flabbytabby 1 point2 points ago

Hehe...I do exist! Feel free to lurk my photos. I'm not a great photographer by any means but I try to post interesting things when I can.

It is possible there are other people posting with cats named Mia of course...but perhaps you all have found me. My cat has her own very unique hashtag so when you come across that you'll know it's me ;)

Edit to say that friends have also posted pictures of my cat on there...she is a charming one.

[–]cherryfizz 1 point2 points ago

My cat's name is Mia as well! (sorry for off topic but I rarely meet people who have the same named cats, haha.)

[–]flabbytabby 1 point2 points ago

It's a great name! To steer back towards the topic (totally my fault for bringing up my cat!), it's sad that the name has these associations. I had no idea there were pro-eating disorder groups :(

[–]gnomestress 8 points9 points ago

Try getting that from your mother.

[–]dianthe 3 points4 points ago

I decided to google Ana/Mia and stumped upon a "thinspo" blog, imagine my shock when I saw a picture of one of my school friends as thinspo there...

[–]Duckylicious 5 points6 points ago

I remember those places from when I was struggling ("pro-ED" bullshit sites have been around for a long time). I was shocked even at the time (letters to your disorder addressing it as a friend, terrible photoshop pictures, and potentially fatal 'tips'...), but at the same time, I understand why people get driven to those places.

When you're in a place where you're half fighting it, half unwilling to part with your behaviors, you will struggle in purely recovery-oriented spaces. I remember being scolded and condescended to in a forum like that, and very quickly making a retreat, plus not being allowed to talk about weights, numbers, and behaviors makes it very hard to open up and share. I ended up finding a safe haven in a "pro-reality" forum that somehow managed to combine the two (it was about offering support no matter what stage of the illness you were at, with no bullshit or dangerous tips allowed, and the potential to join a group that had the potentially triggering stuff removed if you were in recovery), but I understand only to well what would drive people to a 'pro-ana' or 'thinspo' site/page.

[–]BrainpanWhimsy 70 points71 points ago

I know a guy who will only ever compliment a woman on her appearance, never any other trait. I tried to explain how sexist that is but he said I was just 'sensitive'.

[–]Dovienya 41 points42 points ago

I worked with my boss' daughter and am friends with both of them on Facebook. His other daughter was hospitalized because she was so sick and was diagnosed with anorexia. They put her into a treatment program. When she got out, my boss and his daughter both posted "We're glad you're back with us!" photos. The vast majority of people commenting said, "She looks so good!" "She's so pretty!" "She's a perfect weight now!"

I didn't really know whether I should say anything, but it just seemed really, really insensitive and cruel to focus so many comments on her appearance when it was obvious she had body image issues.

[–]stareattheart 13 points14 points ago

I was never anorexic, I just got really underweight while ill.

When I mentioned gaining weight, people looked at me like I was crazy and tried to talk me out of it. While I was so starved my muscles wasted away and my stomach was so atrophied that I got nauseated every time I ate. I didn't look I was dying, but I certainly didn't look like I was healthy.

[–]Duckylicious 12 points13 points ago

It's shocking how insensitive people dealing directly with ED sufferers can be sometimes. I have to be vague on this for obvious reasons, but I once listened to the mother of a bulimia sufferer lament on how horrible her daughter looked in a bathing suit to a support group. Explained some things, I guess.

[–]tennIssee 2 points3 points ago

Several years ago I was in an inpatient center for my ED and it's seriously shocking how terribly many parents respond to the situation. Unfortunately, I include my own parents in this.

[–]duckduck_goose 31 points32 points ago

One of the things about "this is a perfect weight for you" comments is that you get this idea in your head that a number is perfect for you and you're a total failure if you can't at least maintain what it likely still a really low weight. I've been stuck on my perfect weight for the last 6 years and it's underweight for my height/frame. When I am at this perfect weight I'm the tinniest, thinnest girl most people have encountered for someone my height and yet all I get are "you look so amazing, your body blah blah" comments which reinforces starvation.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]duckduck_goose 10 points11 points ago

It's split. I worked in a male dominated position and got a lot of weight comments in the positive from men too. Quite a number of women expressed concern and alarm when I had ED NOS and my weight tanked to 97 pounds. The men started to validate it.

[–]longrunfun 0 points1 point ago

Thanks for the thoughtful response. I work in an environment very intolerant of sexual harassment so I never hear men speaking about their female coworker's bodies - and never seem to hear male peers discuss weight loss or gain of our female friends and acquaintances, so it surprises me. But it also makes sense.

I've heard A LOT from girls and women, my whole life, about my figure, most of it revolving around them comparing theirs unfavorably to mine and expressing...I can't think of the nicer word for jealousy. Feels bad, man, in a lot of ways. As does living in ANYONE'S body, though, I think.

[–]duckduck_goose 5 points6 points ago

I've had a lot of men monitor or validate my weight. Everything from partners grabbing my wrist at lunch to ask if I lost weight to partners obsessing over my flat stomach/my size to partners saying negative body shaming things like how my ass got big when I gained 10 pounds. Men started to smile at me and say HELLO more often when I dropped to 110 and then 90s. I've had women say with scorn I haven't been your weight since 4th grade or flat out I HATE YOU about my body or tell me your diet secrets. I've also had tons of women flood me with "I am super concerned about how much weight you're losing" or "really please take care of yourself."

Never had a man do more than encourage the loss or applaud it.

[–]TriumphantTumbleweed -2 points-1 points ago

I don't see any of this as insensitive. If she went into a program that was specifically to get her weight in order than wouldn't these be the expected responses? If she's self conscious about her appearance, wouldn't these comments be encouraging? I can see how saying "She's a perfect weight now!" may be a little too much, but I don't think many people would take that too literally. I understand that maybe they could focus a little more on her will power rather than her appearance, but I think either is generally accepted as proper encouragement whether the wording may or may not jive perfectly with the target.

[–]tennIssee 5 points6 points ago

The reason it's insensitive is because recovering from an eating disorder isn't just about the weight. In fact, the weight is such a small part of it. You can force feed people to a healthy weight, and tell them they look beautiful at that weight, but that doesn't mean you've treated the ED. Additionally, from my experience, if you're lucky enough to actually make a full recovery, weight and body appearance still remain a topic that you don't want to talk about. It has way too much potential for triggering past thoughts and actions, and may still feel like an uncomfortable topic (especially since this girl had just gotten out of treatment).

[–]TriumphantTumbleweed 0 points1 point ago

I see. Was posting the picture on Facebook a step in her recovery then? It just seems to me if someone is having body appearance issues they probably wouldn't want people to be posting pictures of them on Facebook, ya know? Comments about appearance should be expected, so if the comments were ill-received by her, couldn't the blame be on the dad and sister for posting the picture at all?

[–]tennIssee 0 points1 point ago

Most definitely! I definitely didn't want pictures specifically announcing my treatment or recovery on facebook. In my experience, parent's can be really insensitive and lack understanding about their daughters experience eating disorders. I saw it with my own parents and with the parents of many other girls at my treatment center. It's sad, but maybe partly a generational thing? I don't know. I remember my mom asking me on the phone while I was on treatment what she should tell her church friends about where I went, because she didn't want to lie. To me, it was a little like, "what the fuck, seriously mom? That's your biggest concern right now?" So, long answer, but yeah, who knows if she really wanted that posted on facebook. However, all that said, even if the girl posts pictures, I would still suggest not commenting on her weight. Just because she's open enough about her eating disorder to share the experience with her facebook friends (I've known girls who were like this) doesn't mean she wants people commenting about her weight. I would suggest that if you're in a situation like this, just say something like "Congrats on the hard work! It's really great to have you back". Or if it's someone close to you, they may be willing to talk about the experience if you ask them.

[–]elitexemnas 56 points57 points ago

Wait wait. Does he refuse to acknowledge other traits or did you happen to notice he never mentions other traits? One is sexist, the other is a superficial. I'm not defending it, but no one particularly enjoys being criticized.

[–]Bloodfeastisleman 3 points4 points ago

Context is pretty important though. If I see a friend dressed up well or if she has recently altered her appearance, (dye hair, haircut, whatever) I will complement them if I like the change. That's not necessarily sexist.

[–]GreenBeanCassarole 0 points1 point ago

I'd say that's more superficial than sexists.

[–]JasonMacker 22 points23 points ago

Whenever I read stuff like this it reminds me of that shitty pro-ana blog that was calling Kate Upton a cow. There is literally no way to win with these people who know nothing about having a healthy body image.

[–]_lastly_ 18 points19 points ago

I hope your friend is doing well.

I'll assume you put this up to start a conversation and this rolls over in my mind quite a bit. While societal norms are absolutely, irrecoverably fucked up , a greater focus on finding worth and value in yourself and your abilities (appearance related and otherwise), as opposed to societal acceptance is crucial.

Society is this abstract, forever shifting "thing" and while the fight to make it more inclusive, open and awesome is always worth fighting, looking inwards and observing your development as an individual is usually much more rewarding than seeing a. how well you fit into society b. how much society caters to you.

I have a couple of quotes that convey the essence of how to balance the self in society, since pretty much everyone has to live with both.

"One who, not competing, has no competitor in the world" - Tao Te Ching

And the other I can't find atm, but it is essentially "Don't compare yourself to others; compare yourself to your previous self."

[–]AerithFaremis[S] 9 points10 points ago

Actually she is a friend's sister, but I still would consider her a friend. When I was in high school my friend would tell me about her sister's eating disorder and how bad she was. Now she's on her own living in NYC and doing body painting work. It's a complete 360. Some of the stuff she does is so awesome and amazing and of course she has to be completely confident with her body to be able to do stuff like that. So I'm really happy for her.

Also your points are spot on! You see all these perfect models photoshopped on magazine covers and feel like that's what you should look like, when in reality you should just focus on being you, and improving yourself.

That's why I recently started the road to weight loss via r/loseit. But I'm doing it to get healthy and improve myself, not because I care about how I look, or to please society. And this really made me feel better about myself knowing, no matter how I look I'm still important and I'm still worth something.

[–]_lastly_ 13 points14 points ago

That's great to hear.

not because I care about how I look

Just to touch on this - when I began browsing 2XC on the regular, seeing all of the "your appearance doesn't matter!" posts caused me to go through this weird existential crisis because while I never cared if society was pleased with how I looked, I was and am often-times pleased with my appearance. It made me feel bad and vain for enjoying it, which is also an unhealthy attitude. Until I realized that vanity and the like need to have an obsessive element to be vanity.

What I am saying is that there are many behaviours that can be both healthy and unhealthy and it is dependant on your approach. For me, denying my desire to have a beautiful and healthy body is unhealthy, what matters is what kind of measures I take to achieve it, what length I take those measures to and with what attitude.

Also, on photoshopping.

[–]AerithFaremis[S] 4 points5 points ago

Yeah I replied to another poster here, that extremes are not good in either direction. It's great to want to do good for yourself and there's nothing wrong with wanting to look good, it's just if you obsess and that's all you care about, then it's not healthy.

[–]Chitinid 1 point2 points ago

I think the key is that the emphasis should lie on being healthy, and doing it for yourself, not because of what anyone else thinks. If you want to look a certain way, that's great, just make sure you're doing it for the right reasons and aren't compromising your health.

[–]longrunfun 2 points3 points ago

You see all these perfect models photoshopped on magazine covers

Eliminate the word "perfect" from your thoughts in this context.

[–]tameimpalea 19 points20 points ago

All my life I have always been complimented on my appearance, and hardly ever my traits or accomplishments. When I was a teenager, the pressure that can potentially come with comments on appearance took its toll on me. When all you hear is comments on appearance, whether it be an old lady at the grocery store to friends gossiping, the idea that the physical self is the most important asset and highest degree of self worth becomes very convincing.

I've been remission for 2 years now, but it's still a struggle every day to look at myself in the mirror and not equate self worth with the physical self. The compliments still trigger the belief, because if all people seemingly notice is what I look like, what value will I have left when that is lost?

To ask people to watch what they comment on is asking to walk on eggshells. However, if that person is close to you and you realize what it is about them you love, tell them. Compliments on features such as wit, intelligence, talent, and humor hold no sort of pressure, for personality stays with you for a lifetime when beauty does not.

[–]l80 4 points5 points ago

I was lucky. From an early age I learned that the people who complimented me superficially were usually people with crappy priorities. Genuine compliments - the ones that are hard to come by - are the ones that matter. They're the ones you should remember. They mean the most.

No matter who you are or what you look like, there's always someone out there who thinks you're pretty or ugly. You're the only one who has to look in the mirror and see your reflection. Don't spend every day scrutinizing or hating what you see. Your face is your face, your body is your body. Use it, play with it, change it if you want to, but love it for what it is, and for the fact that it belongs to you and only you.

Work hard for the compliments you have to earn. Don't get lost in a battle with your body. You can't live without it. Focus externally on the things you have control over - not whether or not you're pretty or thin enough. Beauty is fleeting, and so is life. Get the most out of it.

My own struggles with weight stemmed from a need for control, not a desire for external praise or affirmation. Just goes to show you, everyone is fucked up for one reason or another. None of us are or ever will be perfect. The great irony of course is that the people who embrace that and strive to do well, while accepting that they and everyone else will make mistakes, are the people who come closest to achieving it. The people who strive for perfection, on the other hand, are the ones that never come close.

[–]Duckylicious 4 points5 points ago

You remind me of a point Dr. Mary Pipher was making in her book 'Reviving Ophelia' (this came out in the 90's, I believe - it was a big hit among all the girls in my class when I was at high school, but even reading through it again as an adult with some experience in psychology, I find it a highly interesting and valuable book). At some point she says that the sort of 'average Jane' girls who aren't too plain or too pretty are the luckiest, as the former will get bullied while the latter will either become fixated on their bodies due to it being the only source of confirmation (as you describe), or encounter prejudice (pretty = slut, pretty = stupid, and the like).

Too bad we can't pick and choose how we look, eh Ms. Pipher :/

[–]AerithFaremis[S] 7 points8 points ago

For personality stays with you for a lifetime when beauty does not

That was beautiful thanks for sharing your story

[–]time146 3 points4 points ago

I once brought up on Reddit that being an attractive young woman can sometimes be a curse, and got told off and downvoted relentlessly. I am very glad to have read your comment and know that someone can relate. I've never had an eating disorder, but being the "beautiful" one in the family, and not the smart, hard working, or responsible one, has played its part in my insecurities and anxieties, often to the point of depression.

[–]KilgoreTroutQQ 0 points1 point ago

Well I think you're swell.

[–]tameimpalea 0 points1 point ago

Thanks, friend.

edit: I find it funny how someone was compelled to downvote a small exchange between IRL friends.

[–]GAMIT 7 points8 points ago

I really needed this today.

I almost fainted in class this morning because I have been systematically puking myself (probably eventually to death) for many years. Everytime the effects get so bad they scare me, I tell myself never, NEVER, AGAIN. But I had to eat something just now as I was still feeling very shaky and weak, and I feel disgusted. Repulsive. Three hours ago I was 100% certain that I was about to pass out (and who knows what else), and I PROMISED myself never again. And now I am fighting, fighting very hard not to go purge again. I can barely swallow as it is and I am terrified of what I'm doing. I feel like a crazy person... and I absolutely hate the way I look.

But I am going to try. I don't want to die before 25.

So, the whole point of this (besides the emotional purge it turned into) is to thank you for your post. This strange girl from the internet really, really needed it and appreciates you.

[–]SawyerScott 8 points9 points ago

Please ask for help. If I didn't ask for help from my friends and family, I wouldn't have gone to treatment and I would be dead. I'm actually tearing up right now at the thought of you suffering because your post really reminds me of something I would have written three years ago. If you ever want to talk to someone who's been through it please pm me.

[–]kissacupcake 2 points3 points ago

Please get help. It sounds like you want to recover. You CAN recover.

You are stronger than this disease. You are stronger than you know...

It will be hard work, and you will need help, but you can do this.

Join us at /r/edrecovery (PM emmster for access).

You can also call the National Eating Disorders Association’s toll-free hotline at 1-800-931-2237 (Mon–Fri, 8:30 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. PST).

[–]tennIssee 2 points3 points ago

The fact that you want to recover, that you are trying, is HUGE. Listen to me say it again. That's hugely amazing. Congratulations on realizing that you want to recover. Now, if you want recovery, you are the perfect candidate for treatment. I went to inpatient when I had my ED and I fully believe that the reason I was able to find recovery is because I wanted to be there. I dug deep down and had to humble myself, be embarrassed, and feel ashamed, but I asked my parents for help and told them I wanted to go. The girls at my treatment center who wanted help made progress. The girls who didn't want help didn't. If you want help, it exists, and it can be life changing. I know it's terrifying, but it's really hard to overcome and ED by yourself. Please ask for help, and know that you can make a full recovery.

[–]z3i 12 points13 points ago

If you give someone a compliment, let it be about something [... other] than their appearance.

Reminds me of The Perks of Being a Wallflower, in which the protagonist has a conversation with a girl about dating. I read the book a long time ago but it was something along the lines of, "If you want to compliment her appearance, don't compliment her on stuff she can't help, like her physical features. Instead, compliment her on the stuff that she chooses, like her clothing style or the way she applies her make-up."

[–]i_love_younicorns 8 points9 points ago

I work at an ED treatment center with patients ages 12-80 and beyond. While ED is not always associated with society's pressures to look thin (a lot of times it is a result of trauma and acts as a form of self-harm... "why should I nourish and love something that is worthless?" and things like that), I hear some of the stories about how these patients own family members speak to them in their formative years (I once had an intelligent med student tell me "my mom always told me that if I suck in my stomach that maybe it would stay that way") and I am disheartened by how little their own family members appreciate my patients' personal gifts and genuine, wonderful, beautiful personalities. We lose too many friends, sisters, mothers, daughters, and grandmothers to this savage and saddening disease.

[–]redyellowand 3 points4 points ago

Thank you for your excellent work as well as your perspective. I stayed at a residential treatment center and people like you are amazing!

[–]biggoldie 0 points1 point ago

"why should I nourish and love something that is worthless?">

Wow, that just really resonated with me. I just lost my 15 year old golden retriever this past sunday. She was everything to me, my reason for waking up in the morning. I haven't eaten in 6 days and no one, even myself understands why. They think it's about wanting to be thin but I know it's self destruction. I have always struggled with depression and not eating has been my coping mechanism. They tell me it's not what Holly would have wanted for me and I get that, I just don't feel like I deserve to continue living my life when she can't be with me.

[–]Quarkity 12 points13 points ago

I needed to read this today. The past few days I've been not eating, making myself puke when I do eat and looking at pro-ana/mia blogs and forums, weighting the pros versus cons in my head.

The only pro is that I'd be skinnier. The cons were immense, but I've been at the point where my self-confidence is so low that I didn't care. I didn't care if I would be jeopardizing my health, as long as I reached the size of those "thinspo" pictures.

This feeling is going to take a while to battle, I tried to eat yesterday and I couldn't muster more than a few bites. I'm so hungry today. I hope I can make myself some lunch to eat in a few, finish it and keep it down. I've never felt this way before and it scares me.

I am sorry to hear about your friend, and happy to know that she beat this. Sorry my post is a little personal, I just came out to my SO about it yesterday and it was very difficult to do so. I still feel jittery about it am just trying to derive strength from getting it off my chest, so to speak.

[–]redyellowand 19 points20 points ago

There are no pros to anorexia.

[–]longrunfun 2 points3 points ago

Exactly. Think of it like a nasty drug addiction, if you can. It's easy to see why addiction doesn't benefit you.

[–]Duckylicious 4 points5 points ago

Hi. I'm glad this post served as a wake-up call and that you were able to speak to your SO about it. Fight the good fight and go against the urge to submit to "if I just get thin, everything will be all right".

I'll add a quote from Marya Hornbacher's "Wasted" (a memoir of anorexia and bulimia, very good book but... intense):

"And when, after fifteen years of bingeing, barfing, needles and tubes and terror and rage, and medical crises and personal failure and loss after loss - when, after all this, you are in your early twenties and staring down a vastly abbreviated life expectancy, and the eating disorder still takes up half your body, half your brain, with its invisible eroding force, when you have spent the majority of your life sick, and when you do not yet know what it means to be "well" or "normal," when you doubt that those words even have meaning any more, there are still no answers. You will die young, and you have no way to make sense of that fact. You have this: You are thin. Whoop-de-fucking-dee."

I've been down the "rabbit hole" as she calls it, and all I've got to show for it is a bunch of debt from spending 25 bucks per day on food as a student. It's not worth it.

[–]Quarkity 1 point2 points ago

I hope the anxiety about food goes away. It's my stomach that I'm concentrating on, I look in the mirror and the rest of my body is fine. But when I get to that stomach, I feel anger. Just honest, pure anger. It makes me want to hurt myself, and so instead of hitting and cutting like I used to do, my punishment towards myself is now not eating.

I made pasta salad after I commented here, and I just stared at the food after I made it. I'm so hungry, but I couldn't do it. I ate some cucumber pieces and lettuce instead and called it a salad. I want these feelings to go away, I'm talking to a good friend IRL who has struggled with bulimia for two years, and we are going to talk tomorrow in person about it. Thank you, I'm adding books to read about this to take out from the library. I'm hopping to nip this in the bud before it turns into a full-fledged, dangerous disorder. :(

[–]sonja_newcombe 1 point2 points ago

While it's great you're trying to help yourself... see a counsellor. Please.

I lost my best friend to anorexia and alcoholism, so this stuff is really intense to me, and I've seen how quickly it can all go wrong.

[–]Quarkity 0 points1 point ago

I'm sorry you had to have that happen to you, thank you for the advice. I have a counselor that I see at my University, he's around for summer so I'll make an appointment with him. We talked about forwarding me to a therapist that deals strictly with self-confidence, eating disorders and BDD before. I want to discuss that again with him.

[–]AerithFaremis[S] 1 point2 points ago

I'm glad that this could help you in some way. Good luck in all that you are facing!

[–]80sTan 2 points3 points ago

My wife has been battling Anoerxia since she was roughly 14, however as most of you may know it can typically sprout earlier. It's an ongiong battle. You can never fully be rid of it, but this made my day. Thank you.

[–]tennIssee 2 points3 points ago

I just wanted to give you some internet encouragement for you and your wife. You're right that a piece of it will always stay with you. You will always know you have the potential to slip back. BUT, also, please know that she can recover fully. I've been recovered for over 6 years now and, for the most part, never looked back. I'm guess by this point in her life she has tried many things, but I just wanted to check anyway...has she been to an inpatient treatment center? Making the jump and going is when I was finally able to recover. No amount of outpatient nutritionist and counselors visits were able to touch my ED prior to that.

[–]80sTan 1 point2 points ago

Thank you for your encouragement by the way. And God bless to you. One day at a time, one optimistic view at a time :)

[–]80sTan 0 points1 point ago

Yes, she has been to an inpatient/outpatient "care center", called Alexian. If you know anything of Alexian Brothers, and their "self harm" clinic, you know that it is typically a wash. There is no soul there. I'm glad that you were able to find help there, however, so please forgive me I sounded cold towards ALL facilities. I know that there are wonderful facilities. The best regarded one near us (4 hours away), was roughly 1000$ a week.

Thankfully my wife was able to reach a very good Christian counselor, who was able to help her with both her anxiety, OCD, and ED. She is 10 times better now that she has seen him, and will now only see him periodically, but I believe that with any issue, such as depression, or anxiety, or ED, or drugs for the matter, that it is a gradual progression, but...and not to sound cynical, one can never be truly "rid" of the issue. You just learn tremendous and awesome coping skills.

[–]sally_sassypants 2 points3 points ago

I'm friends with her too. I shared her status today. :)

[–]AerithFaremis[S] 1 point2 points ago

It's a small world after all... =)

[–]redyellowand 2 points3 points ago

Thanks for posting this! I was in treatment four years ago, and I've seen and heard about a lot of people dying from the disease. There are SO many misconceptions about eating disorders out there, it's infuriating.

[–]drkyle54 2 points3 points ago

Thanks for posting this. Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental disorder. People tend to take it lightly as in ' Oh she/he just wants to be skinny' but it is literally life or death for a lot of people.

[–]alibee123 4 points5 points ago

3 minutes on Reddit today, and I'm already teary. That has to be some kind of record..

[–]adrianaolivia 2 points3 points ago

I was in a large group of people this weekend and mentioned to my friend that the lady she had just introduced me to "is really skinny, ugh!". I try not to compliment women on appearance and I'm definitely not in the business of putting them down, but perhaps because of my own insecurity and jealousy for not having been able to lose a few pounds recently, I said it. My friend replied, "Uhh, she's struggling with anorexia", and I immediately felt like scum.

[–]AerithFaremis[S] 3 points4 points ago

It's okay people do make mistakes, but as long as you realize what you said and genuinely felt bad about it, then just try to do better next time. I can definitely understand when people are upset about something and automatically take it out on someone else (trust me I've done it a few times myself without meaning to)

[–]eulersbitch 1 point2 points ago

Inspring yet a bit discouraging to read as I am in a treatment facility currently.

[–]keiyakins 1 point2 points ago

I wish I could take my overeating problem, cut it in half, and give half to someone with an undereating problem. then we'd both eat sane amounts.

Stupid reality!

[–]HiVoltage 3 points4 points ago

I read it and all I could think of was orly owl. :(

[–]tonguesplitter 1 point2 points ago

Question: Is society still pushing women to be ultra-thin? I know heroin-chic was all the rage the past few decades, but it seems to me that society is starting to embrace more of the rubanesque ideal these days. OP, please don't think I am downplaying the plight of your friend, I just wanted some womens' perspective on this.

edit:thanks to everyone who tried to answer my questions. I am disappointed that I got downvoted for trying to figure out something I have no personal experience with. I sincerely hope its not because I'm a man. Many posters above stated that there needs to be more awareness of this issue, and I was asking questions that (I thought) added to the conversation. Downvoting people you don't agree with/who voice unpopular opinions happens all over reddit, I guess I shouldn't be surprised this sub is no different.

[–]Priori_Incantatem 41 points42 points ago

No, society is embracing the Beyoncé hips, in combination with model length legs (think: antilope meets giraffe), Zooey Deschanel faces, Christina Hendricks' boobs and Emma Stone's hair style.

See: Tina Fey's quote on body image.

[–]leavesontrees 19 points20 points ago

Where did you ever get that idea? Read an issue of Cosmo or Glamour sometime. The women in these magazines (who already won the genetic lottery and have personal trainers and nutritionists) are airbrushed and Photoshopped practically into the uncanny valley, and the final result is held up as an attainable goal for the rest of us if we'd only buy, buy, buy all the products advertised. It's pretty sick, and it's no wonder that there are so many girls who read these rags and engage in unhealthy habits in order to attain an impossible ideal.

They made me feel fat when I was 5'2" and 95 pounds. I wouldn't say that I suffered from an eating disorder, but my relationship with food, weight, and body image hasn't always been as healthy as it could have been.

[–]_lastly_ 2 points3 points ago

Read an issue of Cosmo or Glamour sometime

While I don't disagree with the rest of your post, there's a reason why I haven't bought one of these is 10 years. They're pretty much shite.

[–]tennIssee 12 points13 points ago

I know this isn't what you asked, but I just wanted to point out that eating disorders are actually not always caused by a feeling of trying to meet society's standards. I think that all females definitely see what's shown as beautiful in the media and feel pressures related to that. But, in my experience, it seems to be a common misconception among people unfamiliar with eating disorders that the originating factor is a desire to be thin. I don't feel like looking up numbers, so I certainly won't say always, but in my experience this is just not true. Eating disorders are usually coming from a need to feel in control, which then gets translated into food/exercise somehow. Actually, many girls with anorexia will actually wear loose clothing that hides their body, which shows that their main focus isn't necessarily looking beautiful to society/attracting men. I know that's not a great explanation, and I'd be happy to talk more about it, but I just wanted to point that out.

[–]jaina_jade 9 points10 points ago

There is also body dysmorphic syndrome, which is when your brain perceives your body as malformed. For men and women who suffer from this disorder their brains have to be essentially reprogrammed using cognitive behavior therapy with or without medication. Sufferers of it can also suffer from an ED in at attempt to "correct" their deformity, in addition to a number of other destructive behaviors.

[–]tennIssee 4 points5 points ago

Yes, thanks for pointing that out!

[–]probabilistic 6 points7 points ago

Great point - the NHS has a pretty informative page that describes a lot of this in detail. Western beauty standards can be a contributing environmental factor, but are by no means the only cause.

[–]tonguesplitter 3 points4 points ago

I actually never considered that there may be other reasons before your post. Thank you so much for that

[–]tennIssee 12 points13 points ago

You're welcome! As someone who had an eating disorder in the past, it's very frustrating when people judge you and assume that you're just vain and self-centered. I know for my own personal experience, the trigger was a "traumatic" event in my life. Really not so traumatic in hindsight, but my high school boyfriend broke up with me 2 weeks after prom and 2 weeks before graduation. I was losing everything I'd ever know with graduating. For some reason, it was all very hard for me. A few days after the breakup, I walked into my parents bathroom and stepped on their scale (a common thing for me to do when I went in to grab something from their medicine cabinet, never cared about the weight before). Because I hadn't eaten a whole lot, due to stress, in the few days following the breakup, the number was down a few pounds. I have no idea why, but something clicked in my head. I saw the number, I wanted to keep it there. I wanted to see it get lower. I wanted to have something, anything, that I could completely control. Though it starts out innocently enough, it's not long before that number controls you, and the rest is history. It's an addiction, a phobia, a disease.

[–]SpermJackalope 0 points1 point ago

People who get eating disorders because they're convinced they're ugly aren't vain or self-centered either.

[–]tennIssee 1 point2 points ago

Of course not. I don't believe anywhere in my comment I said that they were. In fact, that was my very point, that people often view ED sufferers as just vain little girls who care too much about what people think of them, and that that is incorrect.

[–]redyellowand 4 points5 points ago

One million upvotes! I am always surprised by how many people still think this. It's annoying.

[–]Gailbraithe 0 points1 point ago

I know this isn't what you asked, but I just wanted to point out that eating disorders are actually not always caused by a feeling of trying to meet society's standards.

Almost all of the science indicates that society's standards are the least relevant of factors. There are genetic factors, neurological dysfunctions, hormonal irregularities, and a host of other factors that play into developing "eating disorders" -- a term whose use in these conversations is always misleading. The vast majority of eating disorders lead to overeating, but you'd think anorexia and bulimia are the only eating disorders that exist reading these kinds of threads.

[–]sacca7 6 points7 points ago

Society is not pushing women to be ultra thin, it's just that most women who are in the magazines, on TV, or in movies are very thin. They are hired to sell products, and thin sells. So, our brains receive these images and get the message, "to be successful, to be considered acceptable, to be loved I, too, must look this way."

Teenage girls are particularly susceptible to these images and the plight of EDs.

A good book/biography describing a life with an ED is Portia DeRossi Degeneres's book, Unbearable Lightness reviewed here.

[–]tonguesplitter 1 point2 points ago

Thank you for the reference, I will give it a look.

[–]Duckylicious 1 point2 points ago

Sadly, this is exactly the problem. Everyone thinks of the 90's when they think of the heroin chic, and about how Kate Moss isn't really a big deal anymore. But look at any generic runway shoot, and tell me those models are all naturally that thin (yes, I know some people are naturally very thin, and I completely agree they shouldn't be taking crap for it).

Sadly, nowadays it's pretty much the same thing, just taken for granted rather than explicitly labelled as heroin chic. Also, what Priori_Incantatem said. You can go for the "bootylicious" angle instead if you like, but you still need a perfect waist and legs. And boobs.

[–]MsMish24 1 point2 points ago

I think it is but I think there's yet another and potentially equally unpleasant movement afoot - has anyone else noticed the growing prevalence of overweight people as "Everyman" characters in commercials? It seems the message being pushed is to be beautiful you have to be tiny but if you are fat you are normal. Not that being overweight is always bad or that portraying "real" people in adverts is always a problem, but I can see us taking a slippery slope to a day when people are both convinced that overweight is healthy while stick thin is beautiful, which can't possibly help with either the obesity crisis or the rise of eating disorders.

[–]ngroot 1 point2 points ago

Not that being overweight is always bad

It is, by definition, pretty much always unhealthy as a long-term state.

[–]MsMish24 1 point2 points ago

I mean that you can be a few pounds above average but perfectly happy and healthy. Not the now standard definition of overweight which is "not obese YET."

[–]wasthehopedrunk 1 point2 points ago

I find it hard to compliment people on their appearance, it just seems like a cold and distant thing to say to someone you love. It's just awkward, and I feel more true when I can talk about someone's personality or something they've done. Am I the only one like this?

[–]AerithFaremis[S] 3 points4 points ago

I can see where you're coming from, but I think it's important to compliment both things. Sometimes people may be trying a new look or outfit and it might brighten their day to receive a compliment about it, if they don't receive any they may be hesitant to try something new again. At the same time if all you do is compliment looks a person may feel like that's all they have going for them. So again compliments to both aspects may be the best.

Maybe something like "I love that shirt you really wear it well!" so that way they know you like their style and their confidence.

[–]wasthehopedrunk 1 point2 points ago

Yes yes, of course. It used to help my confidence too and if I honestly love someone's appearance, I will compliment, but not often. I've just had some days where I used to be bombarded with compliments on looks and it makes me feel empty like those 'at least you're pretty' remarks. Perhaps an equal balance of the two are best.

[–]ryzzie 1 point2 points ago

I lost a friend who was more of my little sister, and almost lost her twin (also more of a sister to me) as well, to ED. I just sent my friend a message to tell her what an amazing Yogi she is. Thank you.

[–]sacca7 1 point2 points ago

This is also posted in /r/EatingDisorders.

[–]AerithFaremis[S] 3 points4 points ago

I posted it there after you suggested it, since I didn't realize there was a sub-reddit for that, thanks for the suggestion! I hope this can help some people who have EDs.

[–]Nacho_torpedo 1 point2 points ago

For a long time I had no clue that an eating disorder could cause someone to die. I feel as though many people are very ignorant to the severity of the illness that is disordered eating, myself included. It is hard to imagine how someone who is that ill can't just eat something. Anything. It is hard to imagine a person being so sickly thin that they look like something straight out of a war camp yet they still choose to limit their intake and strive to be even more thin.

The internet has really opened my eyes to the severity of the issue in a way not even seeing a family member (not a super close family member, but family all the same) struggling with the illness could. The internet is brutally honest, deceptively anonymous, and an unbelievably comfortable sounding board. I don't really have anything else to say except I see you now and that feels like a step in the right direction for the assistance and awareness of this growing problem.

[–]tennIssee 4 points5 points ago

Yes, as I pointed out in another comment, I think this misconception also comes from people not realizing that eating disorders aren't always driven by a desire to meet society's beauty standards. That's why the solution of "you look great, just eat something!" doesn't work. Eating disorders (in my experience and from what I've read/heard) are most often due to a need to feel in control of something. This need for control somehow gets unhealthily transferred to food/exercise. So, oftentimes people with eating disorders with physically terrified of food (or of food that doesn't get purged). So saying "just eat something" is best compared to someone with an intense phobia of, say, spiders being told to "just hold one".

[–]kissacupcake 0 points1 point ago

Bingo. My eating disorder found me when I was twelve and my spiteful mother controlled every aspect of my life. She could tell me what to wear, whether I was allowed to go to school, whether I was even allowed to leave my bedroom, when I was allowed to go to the bathroom, what I read and the music I listened to, who my friends were or if I even had them at all...

But she couldn't force me to eat. I savored that once ounce of control I had over my existence.

Even now that she's thankfully no longer in my life, my eating disorder controls me.

I've been recovering for years, but I relapse once or twice a year.

[–]tennIssee 0 points1 point ago

Hugs. It's a long road. I've been recovered for over 6 years, and it never completely leaves you. All you can do is keep on fighting. A couple relapses a year sounds like you've made a TON of progress. CONGRATS on that. Focus on your wins, not your losses.

[–]kissacupcake 1 point2 points ago

Thank you. I'm relapsing right now. Not hard, but I'm definitely not healthy. I think I needed to hear that.

[–]LookAtYouArh 1 point2 points ago

People who die from eating disorders aren't always "sickly thin" either. People suffering from bulimia are frequently in the normal weight range, but can still die from complications due to the disorder.

There are a million sources, but I found this one.

Bulimics are usually of average or above-average weight. {...} Electrolyte imbalances that can lead to irregular heartbeats and possibly heart failure and death. Electrolyte imbalance is caused by dehydration and loss of potassium and sodium from the body as a result of purging behaviors.

[–]sonja_newcombe 0 points1 point ago

I lost my best friend to anorexia and alcoholism in January last year.

She was 36.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]tijuanacarwash 0 points1 point ago

It blows my mind that we have people starving to death in developed countries by their own choice. I understand that it is a disease but I can't wrap my head around it.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]AerithFaremis[S] 12 points13 points ago

Oh thanks I should have realized there's a sub-reddit for everything. But I thought this would be a great place to post this, because of that last bit. About focusing on peoples traits and characteristics rather than their appearance and not to be too hard on yourself. It was very inspirational to me and I just wanted to share with all of you.

[–]ChunkyLaFunga -1 points0 points ago

It's a lot more complicated than that though, a disregard of one's appearance can itself be a cause of Body Dysmorphic Disorder... for obvious reasons, when you think about it.

[–]AerithFaremis[S] 3 points4 points ago

I suppose yeah, extremes in any direction are not a good thing. But it's good to let people know that even though they are not "picture perfect" they are still beautiful and still worth something.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]sacca7 3 points4 points ago

Sorry. I was expecting an explanation and it came out wrong. My mistake. Thank you for pointing it out.

[–]maria340 -3 points-2 points ago

Bla bla bla...anorexia is a serious life and death problem, get some help! But obesity is different....body acceptance...blablabla.... don't you dare say anything against being obese, that's sizeist!!

[–]colormyworld 2 points3 points ago

Actually, Maria, I never said any different. All eating disorders are harmful, whether it's overeating/binging, purging, restricting, overexercising, or one of many other behaviors/symptoms. I've done them all, and they all suck. Most people with eds swing between disorders and symptoms, and one is not better/worse than another. However, shaming someone for their size is never a good thing, no matter what that size is. A person's weight and appearance is their own business, between that person and their doctor if relevant, and it's not anyone else's place to tell them to change or make them feel like a lesser human being for how they look.

[–]maria340 -1 points0 points ago

I was not referring to you, but 2X in general. The overall attitude here seems to be that anorexia is a serious problem; a disorder. If you refer to it as such a problem, no one bats an eyelash. But call obesity a disorder, even so much as mention that eating junk food is bad, and 2X downvotes you to oblivion and starts calling you all these bad names. If someone talks about overeating, the response is almost never "OMG that is SO dangerous you need to seek help right now!" It's more along the lines of "body acceptance, bla bla bla..." You see this difference all over 2X, and the people who pipe up and say "actually, being obese is not ok, and choosing body over junk food is not being controlled by the media" get so many downvotes that their posts get collapsed. JMHO

[–]colormyworld 3 points4 points ago

Probably because when people talk about obesity and junk food being "bad", a lot of the time they are doing it in a judgmental way. As in, assigning negative characteristics to the obese person simply based on how they look. Studies have shown that many people assign words like "lazy", "stupid", "glutton", etc to those who are overweight...so it's natural that people get offended. And honestly, I don't see being "overweight" as a problem, as it is proven to be far less dangerous than being underweight. Medically obese is another story, but it can still be caused by many factors other than eating habits. Genetics, other unrelated illness. Same with being underweight. You never know...that's why I personally think judging anyone on their weight is unnecessary and potential harmful. Actually overeating (in a pathological way) IS a concern though. It doesn't always have a direct correlation with weight. For example, there was a period of time when I was extremely underweight and would get negative comments on how thin I was and people telling me to eat, when I would go home and shovel down 4,000-6,000 calories in a sitting and fall asleep in tears because i couldn't stop even though it was legitimately painful. There's the other side, too...I've known people who were considered medically overweight, but were starving themselves and causing damage to their internal organs and throwing their electrolytes off balance...but to the outside world, they were judged as eating too much. I know this is wordy and confusing, but clarifying the misconceptions about eds has been a goal of mine for years. And I've always been terrible at keeping things brief lol...

[–]maria340 -1 points0 points ago

because when people talk about obesity and junk food being "bad", a lot of the time they are doing it in a judgmental way.

Ok, so when people say junk food = bad, they are assumed to be judgmental.

I don't see being "overweight" as a problem, as it is proven to be far less dangerous than being underweight.

Ok, so in a country where 2/3 of the population is overweight/obese, and being overweight is a greater cause of death than is being underweight, clearly being overweight isn't much of a problem.

caused by many factors other than eating habits. Genetics, other unrelated illness.

So, even though eating and exercising habits are much stronger predictors of weight than genetics, and unrelated illnesses account for a relatively small percentage of the 2/3 who are overweight...lets just give everyone the benefit of the doubt that it's not their fault!!

In the end, it comes down to the same thing: people who are overweight are told "Oh, don't listen to anyone telling you you're fat! Love your body!!" and those who are anorexic are told "You're not ok, this is a problem, get some help!"

[–]egotherapy 0 points1 point ago

You wouldn't go about treating anorexia only with force-feeding someone, would you? Food is just a cover-up for mental problems that a person tries to treat with overeating.

[–]maria340 -1 points0 points ago

Food is just a cover-up for mental problems that a person tries to treat with overeating.

Really? Wow. Then I guess two-thirds of the country has mental problems!!

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]