this post was submitted on
1,577 points (54% like it)
10,415 up votes 8,838 down votes

funny

subscribe2,386,568 readers

20,264 users here now

PLEASE, No posts with their sole purpose being to communicate with another redditor. Click for an Example.


Welcome to r/Funny:

You may only post if you are funny.

Please No:

  • Screenshots of reddit comment threads. Post a link with context to /r/bestof or /r/defaultgems if from a default subreddit instead.

  • Posts for the specific point of it being your reddit birthday.

  • Politics - This includes the 2012 Presidential candidates or bills in congress.

  • Rage comics - Go to /fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu instead.

  • Memes - Go to /r/AdviceAnimals or /r/Memes instead.

  • Demotivational posters - Go to /r/Demotivational instead.

  • Pictures of just text - Make a self post instead.

  • DAE posts - Go to /r/doesanybodyelse

  • eCards - the poll result was 55.02% in favor of removal. Please submit eCards to /r/ecards

  • URL shorteners - No link shorteners (or HugeURL) in either post links or comments. They will be deleted regardless of intent.

Rehosted webcomics will be removed. Please submit a link to the original comic's site and preferably an imgur link in the comments. Do not post a link to the comic image, it must be linked to the page of the comic. (*) (*)

Need more? Check out:

Still need more? See Reddit's best / worst and offensive joke collections (warning: some of those jokes are offensive / nsfw!).


Please DO NOT post personal information. This includes anything hosted on Facebook's servers, as they can be traced to the original account holder.


If your submission appears to be banned, please don't just delete it as that makes the filter hate you! Instead please send us a message with a link to the post. We'll unban it and it should get better. Please allow 10 minutes for the post to appear before messaging moderators


The moderators of /r/funny reserve the right to moderate posts and comments at their discretion, with regard to their perception of the suitability of said posts and comments for this subreddit. Thank you for your understanding.


CSS - BritishEnglishPolice ©2011

a community for

reddit is a source for what's new and popular online. vote on links that you like or dislike and help decide what's popular, or submit your own! learn more ›

all 166 comments

[–]ORIGINAL_MAMMOTH 368 points369 points ago

Do not try and find a disabled, elderly, pregnant child. That's impossible. Instead... only try to realize the truth.

There is no toilet.

[–]Indypunk 91 points92 points ago

MY LIFE IS A LIE

[–]wompratt16 33 points34 points ago

This shatters my entire universe.

[–]zombieslayer580 29 points30 points ago

Sounds like Benjamin Button got knocked up...

[–]CHINESE_HOTTIE 2 points3 points ago

and then hit by a car

[–]LovesCatGirls 8 points9 points ago

Universe, or Multiverse? Excellent TED talk btw.

[–]dead_prez 2 points3 points ago

Wow, that was amazing to watch. Thank you for posting.

[–]wompratt16 2 points3 points ago

Yes... of course... TED... that's exactly what I was referencing.

[–]angry_dave 0 points1 point ago

Yeah, of course, we all brainy like that here on these internets

[–]BloatyPizzaHog 2 points3 points ago

NOOOO IT CAN'T BE POSSIBLE!

[–]Trinidadmad 2 points3 points ago

cake....cake would fix this all

[–]diffeomacx -1 points0 points ago

The toilet is a lie. Calm the fuck down.

[–]theskett 12 points13 points ago

aka this is the doorway to the cleaning closet.

[–]thewolf87 4 points5 points ago

'also know as this is the doorway to the cleaning closet' ?

[–]theimpolitegentleman 8 points9 points ago

Someone just learned what AKA means

[–]gnorlified 3 points4 points ago

I just couldn't stop myself from doing this.

[–]theimpolitegentleman 1 point2 points ago

I lold

[–]thewolf87 1 point2 points ago

What i'm saying is that aka does not work in that context, if it was 'aka the door to the cleaning closet' then it would make sense.

[–]J-Sluit -1 points0 points ago

Can't it also mean "as known as"? I thought it went both ways at least

[–]thewolf87 0 points1 point ago

That still doesn't quite make sense, and a quick google search doesn't say anything about aka meaning as known as.

[–]theskett -1 points0 points ago

Yes.

[–]eVaan13 -1 points0 points ago

We heard him the first time.

[–]delightordelirium 5 points6 points ago

The toilet is actually a gateway to another realm.

[–]ANAL_ANARCHY 14 points15 points ago

I'm not sure I want to visit that part of Narnia.

[–]Subtle_AD_Reference 2 points3 points ago

It's easy. Knock up Benjamin Button and then bust his kneecaps.

[–]The_Zykanator 2 points3 points ago

I am a disabled, elderly, pregnant child you son of a bitch. You have no idea how tough it is to find a toilet right for me!

[–]eorld 0 points1 point ago

Usernamefanfiction should do a fanfic of you. The original mammoth... hmmm

[–]solarnexus 0 points1 point ago

All you need to do is knock-up a ~13 yr old girl with progeria.

[–]baumer6 0 points1 point ago

Benjamin Button's estranged crippled sister.

[–]sequoia_trees 0 points1 point ago

sounds like a pretty shitty situation.

[–]gbr4rmunchkin -2 points-1 points ago

disable pregnant child is possible

[–]Shanhaevel -2 points-1 points ago

Upvote because I watched Matrix today.

[–]emericuh 199 points200 points ago

This isn't funny. My own mother was a disabled, elderly, pregnant child.

[–]dontneedyourkarma 89 points90 points ago

Mine was just an elderly child

[–]joshuad80 63 points64 points ago

benjamina button?

[–]RandomPerson200 94 points95 points ago

Aunt Benjamima

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Beastly14 9 points10 points ago

Thatsthejoke.jpg

[–]mabd 11 points12 points ago

What did it say before he deleted it?

[–]Trinidadmad 13 points14 points ago

it was the cure for cancer. i was smart enough to right it down on a napkin, but those ribs were just to saucy.

[–]xMeRcHanDiSe 4 points5 points ago

But you weren't smart enough to spell write right...

[–]Trinidadmad 3 points4 points ago

ya i guess we were doomed from the start.

[–]Beastly14 1 point2 points ago

He said something along the lines of "How about Aunt Jemima?" or something like that.

[–]AragornCyborg 2 points3 points ago

I would also like to know.

[–]a_Light_in_The_Dark 3 points4 points ago

whoosh

[–]0bsesshun 0 points1 point ago

Mine was a youthful elder.

[–]CTRL_ALT_RAPE 5 points6 points ago

Sounds like my kinda woman

[–]snouz[!] 1 point2 points ago

Therefore, this toilet is for her.

[–]fubbington 0 points1 point ago

That's a rough combination.

[–]Trinidadmad 0 points1 point ago

y are you bitching, she gets her own bathroom..

[–]emericuh 0 points1 point ago

It's in /r/funny and my Gram ain't funny.

[–]Trinidadmad 0 points1 point ago

what ?

[–]unicyclegamer 80 points81 points ago

A girl is raped at 15 and gives birth to a baby girl 9 months later. This girl eventually grows up to be a 65 year old virgin. She lusts for the magic touch of a man after all these years, after seeing her friends' happiness with their intimate relationships.

She starts taking advice from fashion magazines on how to dress more attractively. This however just makes her dress sluttier. Although she is a 65 year old lady, she is still not safe in the open world.

One day as she is walking down the street, a group of men in their 30s see her and decide to assault and rape her. They tackle her down, and because of her old age, she is more prone to injuries, and as a result, becomes a paraplegic. They rape her and she is impregnated because by some miracle, she had yet to reach menopause.

7 months in to the pregnancy, her bulge is quite big and her and her mother realize that they need to buy baby stuff. Her mother, who is now 81 years old, and her decide to go shopping for the baby boy's clothes at their nearest store. Because she is now disabled, her mother must push her around in a wheelchair. After 15 minutes, the pregnant mother feels the urge to use the restroom. They go to the restroom and notice that there is a 10-person line.

The grandmother, angered by the fact that her child, who is elderly, pregnant, and disabled, cannot use the restroom despite her medical conditions. She rather loudly complains to the store manager and in the process of doing so, has a heart attack. She is rushed to the hospital where she eventually passes.

Ever since that day, to honor the grandmother, there has always been a restroom dedicated to disabled elderly pregnant children.

[–]shiny_fsh 15 points16 points ago

Bravo Mr. Holmes, another astonishing case unravelled.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]ryanw21 14 points15 points ago

You're always somebody's child, no matter how old you are.

[–]Cryst 1 point2 points ago

She is a child to someone, her mother, who was angered by the treatment of her disabled elderly pregnant daughter. So the bathroom was dedicated to her child.

[–]YooneekYoosahNeahm 16 points17 points ago

Dont worry its only the "Attention Toilet"

[–]jxj24 0 points1 point ago

I guarantee you I can get its attention.

[–]piderman1 6 points7 points ago

I'm disabled

[–]TeCuervo 5 points6 points ago

But how are you disabled?

[–]piderman1 8 points9 points ago

Leg disabled

[–]inspectormontalbano 2 points3 points ago

How did it happen?

...Acid.

[–]reddent420 0 points1 point ago

Acid..??

[–]imbadatfashion -1 points0 points ago

[–]ConsistentlyConfused 23 points24 points ago

Benjamin Button?

[–]mpic 15 points16 points ago

You're getting close, but he was not pregnant

[–]holomanga 4 points5 points ago

Benjamin Button after a sex change?

[–]DoubleRainb0w 49 points50 points ago

I don't think sex changes work the way you think they work.

[–]Shyamallamadingdong 17 points18 points ago

Exactly how is babby formed?

[–]crazdave 20 points21 points ago

Storks and shit.

[–]fufdoofGOG 10 points11 points ago

When a mommy and a daddy love each other or are really drunk...

[–]ANAL_ANARCHY 2 points3 points ago

....Or the condom breaks...

[–]pdmcmahon -1 points0 points ago

Nobody puts baby in a corner.

[–]Gortos 1 point2 points ago

Maybe... A translplant... Would that work?

[–]Dustintico 0 points1 point ago

That's always been a question of mine, could two people of opposite genders basically 'trade'?

[–]mpic 0 points1 point ago

Yea I'll give you that

[–]cydisc11895 9 points10 points ago

Listen. If you don't want anyone to use your fucking toilet, just say so.

[–]trance_addict 2 points3 points ago

I want to write "archon" at the bottom of that list.

[–]MadDannyBear 8 points9 points ago

Where's Shitty_Watercolour?

[–]rubicjelly 1 point2 points ago

My mate thought he saw a disabled, elderly, pregnant child once... but it turned out to be just a pregnant child. Oh how we teased.

[–]weRtheD 1 point2 points ago

IAMA disabled elderly pregnant child, AMA

[–]Pterodactyl_Time 1 point2 points ago

AMA request, someone who is qualified to use this restroom.

[–]JohnnyVNCR 1 point2 points ago

Never have bullet points ever been so necessary.

[–]yasemann 2 points3 points ago

That is probably the cleanest toilet ever.

[–]TheAmazingMart 4 points5 points ago

Where's shitty watercolour when you need him? I must know what this person looks like!

[–]Guythedestroyer 1 point2 points ago

If you are not a disabled, elderly, pregnant child, please use the urinal.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Usrname52 2 points3 points ago

Depending on where this is, I'm assuming they have another bathroom. It could be a store with regular restrooms, and then a single restroom at the front of the store for those who would have difficulty using a normal sized restroom or maneuvering to the back of the store/second floor/etc.

I'm sure that if no one is waiting, they aren't going to stop you. Especially since not all disabilities are obvious, and they don't want trouble with the ADA....but if you're a healthy, average person, don't push an old lady with a walker or a woman who is 9 months pregnant out of your way because you want some extra room to take a shit.

Also--not all public places are required to have restrooms, so depending on the type of location, yes, they can. What if a place didn't have a public restroom--should they magically build you a toilet w/i 10 seconds so you don't shit yourself?

[–]ChalgakillerBG 2 points3 points ago

Where's shitty watercolor or awesome oil paint when you need them?

[–]jew_jitsu 2 points3 points ago

responding to posts that aren't older than the internet?

[–]SomeoneNamedTom 1 point2 points ago

I swear one of these works at our high school

[–]jmorgan085 1 point2 points ago

Pregnant child with progeria?

[–]whatthefat 0 points1 point ago

Bingo.

[–]echoechotango 1 point2 points ago

punctuation: it's important!

[–]EuropeanLady 5 points6 points ago

The 4 adjectives are on 4 separate lines; that makes them distinctive.

[–]dbenn006 1 point2 points ago

LET'S EAT GRANDMA! LET'S EAT, GRANDMA!

Commas can save lives.

[–]kevmo77 1 point2 points ago

make it happen shitty watercolor.

[–]house_whore 0 points1 point ago

Ooh! SO close!

[–]skamieliny 0 points1 point ago

I wish someone would tried to draw that. I'm having hard times trying to imagine how a disabled elderly pregnant child could look like

[–]PieMasterBob 0 points1 point ago

Just piss on the floor

[–]MyOpinionIsFact-cunt 0 points1 point ago

Benjamin Button's pregnant wife at the age of 7? Mission accomplished

[–]e_cascio2011 0 points1 point ago

The disabled,, the elderly, pregnant wOmen, and children.

[–]andrewsj1 0 points1 point ago

artists of reddit... please have at this.

[–]TuesHard 0 points1 point ago

I'm a disabled, elderly, pregnant child and I am offended.

[–]zyzzogeton 0 points1 point ago

That is oddly specific.

[–]Koldfuzion 0 points1 point ago

I would think that of all the of people to allow into a bathroom, those would give you the most hassles clean-up wise.

[–]Nawdah 0 points1 point ago

i used toilets before using the bathroom was cool

[–]WestsideStorybro 0 points1 point ago

I find your lack of commas confusing.

[–]Old_man_on_a_scooter 0 points1 point ago

They all laughed at me when I said how important the use of bullets are, well look at me now!

[–]CamCamJenkins 0 points1 point ago

Segregation at it's finest.

[–]Skeetronic 0 points1 point ago

That's a very specific demographic

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

Yeesssss! Finally a bathroom just for me.

[–]SilverAg11 0 points1 point ago

Well I guess and old child would be about 18 and they are "disabled" because they are pregnant?

[–]mehdbc 0 points1 point ago

I bet that's an establishment Stefon would patronize.

[–]Trinidadmad 0 points1 point ago

say i use it, would they kick me out of the store for not being a disabled, elderly, pregnant child?

[–]iwouldliketoyouknow 0 points1 point ago

IT'S A TOILET FOR THE DISABLED ELDERLY PREGNANT CHILDREN. Jeez, can't you read?

[–]0wnasaur 0 points1 point ago

Reads picture Dafuq?

[–]So1lborn 0 points1 point ago

Does anyone have any ideas at what store this is?

[–]IamNegativeSpace 0 points1 point ago

Commas, very important

[–]_MyTeddyIsGay_ 0 points1 point ago

I wonder what they sell at that place.

[–]LeMuffinz 0 points1 point ago

So a regular 31 year old guy with explosive diarrhea is prohibited from the restroom for being a 31 year old guy?

God bless good ol' 'Murica.

[–]anxious_smurf 0 points1 point ago

Also known as, the worlds cleanest toilet!

[–]Kromax 0 points1 point ago

You'll feel pretty shitty when the one time you use it you find a disabled, elderly, pregnant child waiting outside.

[–]Writing0nTheWalls 0 points1 point ago

RIP bullet points?

[–]nathaniele 0 points1 point ago

Commas, man. They matter.

[–]Machine_Dick 0 points1 point ago

I'm an elderly child.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

The mother is in the background , so the pregnant, disabled, elderly child is still technically a child.

[–]derping 0 points1 point ago

Ah...The exclamation point would come in quite handy in this situation!

[–]rushed_mspaint 0 points1 point ago

Faraway mother, makes her technically a child.

[–]Leanne_N 0 points1 point ago

Aside from the joke of it all.. If you're going to let ALL those people use the bathroom.. Why not everyone?

[–]wanderso24 0 points1 point ago

Is that this generation's Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles?

[–]k_nicole997 0 points1 point ago

I thought it was pretty clear: this toilet is only for dumping children who are elderly, disabled, or pregnant.

[–]GaryOak24 0 points1 point ago

COMMAS!!!!!!

[–]Aframe95 0 points1 point ago

FUNNY

[–]chusurus 0 points1 point ago

Elderly children?

[–]right_in_two 0 points1 point ago

Oh my god, I've just realized how much I mis SIDT! Anyone know what happened to him?

[–]adumbfetus 0 points1 point ago

Came looking for a drawing, leaving disappointed.

[–]mikeyzbizzle 0 points1 point ago

I really hate that use of exclamation marks; it’s like there shouting in my face, loudly.

[–]lazf 0 points1 point ago

paging shitty_watercolour on this one

[–]thebballer25 0 points1 point ago

Kids these days...

[–]Wulfguy 0 points1 point ago

Someone needs to learn to use commas.

[–]movienoc101 0 points1 point ago

I think a comma would help there

[–]Anglfyre 0 points1 point ago

A couple of commas even. Ahh punctuation your absence never fails to amuse.

[–]irmew 0 points1 point ago

needs more commas

[–]spanglish14 0 points1 point ago

As a disabled elderly pregnant child, it's about time we had our own toilet

[–]countrytime -2 points-1 points ago

What is it for everyone else?

[–]MrExotto -2 points-1 points ago

Please draw a picture of this old child!

[–]trackrunner22 -1 points0 points ago

Damn it! You forgot the bullets again!!!

[–]NotTheHead 0 points1 point ago

How're we supposed to catch it without tranquilizer?! You dumba-- Oh shit, it's spotted us! NO NO NO DON'T COME AFTER ME! NO NO NO DON'T HIT ME TH-- thump.

[–]stemgang -1 points0 points ago

Discrimination toilet has a discrimination.

[–]toolatealreadyfapped -1 points0 points ago

I'm going to stand here and wait for the first person who uses it. And then I'm going to have sex with that person.

[–]pianobadger -1 points0 points ago

It was put there to distract the Auditors.

[–]In_Dying_Arms -1 points0 points ago

Instantly thought of the episode of the Simpsons when Homer parks in a handicapped spot and limps out of the parking lot.

[–]Unckmania -1 points0 points ago

We need shitty watercolour here right now

[–]Silman -1 points0 points ago

Knocked-up Female version of Benjamin Button. Bam.

[–]imApokey -1 points0 points ago

Whoops! My mistake. I was looking for a place to abort my fetus.

[–]EuropeanLady -4 points-3 points ago

Do you really not understand that the 4 adjectives listed describe the four types of people who can use the restrooms?

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

No. It's for Pregnant Progerians. Have a heart lady.

[–]sunKN___D 0 points1 point ago

You're completely retarded. In fact, you would qualify for usage of this toilet simply by being mentally disabled.

Do you not get the joke? It's pretty obvious even to a 3rd grader that the four types of people allowed to use the bathroom are as listed. It is the lack of commas that allow the sign to be interpreted differently. That's the funny part. Fucking idiot.

[–]NotTheDave 0 points1 point ago

Explain, please.

[–]bugalaman -2 points-1 points ago

This sign only applies to Benjamin Button, but only if he had a sex change that included implanting a working uterus.

[–]jonnyrotten7 -2 points-1 points ago

I think they're supposed to be seen separately. It was just written poorly.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]lurk2derp 0 points1 point ago

Yup, just checked again and don't see those commas. I say check the picture again. You may be enlightened and possibly gain a sense of humor along the way.

Edit: grammar

[–]SourMilk 0 points1 point ago

I also don't see the word woman anywhere.