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all 144 comments

[–]ndchristie 305 points306 points ago

"We will surround and capture you quickly and with minimal casualties on either side, several hours after breakfast, on the day after Christmas. After you surrender we will treat you more kindly and offer a higher degree of freedom than you found under your own officers, most of whom died in the fight because they were the only ones among you who even volunteered for military service in the first place, rather than getting dragged over here by press-gangs."

[–]CodeOfKonami 45 points46 points ago

You get your god damn logic and reason out of my propaganda!

[–]fiddlypoppin 56 points57 points ago

Yeah, sorry, not quite as catchy.

[–]ndchristie 13 points14 points ago

This is true...

...What if it was sampled, auto-tuned, distorted, and repeated endlessly over some wobbly bass, while some hot chick belted the first word of each line in the only note she can manage to sing loud enough?

Would I be getting warmer or colder?

edit : it's probably cheaper to just get everyone drunk and then convince them i'm really hysterical!

[–]BigLlamasHouse 13 points14 points ago

Misinformation flows off the tongue better, sorry.

[–]TravestyTravis 0 points1 point ago

I like my whiskey straight, with a coke back.

[–]batmanmilktruck 0 points1 point ago

a simple picture that you agree with and confirms your preconcieved bias is much more effective than a well written factual article that challenges your views.

[–]LukaCola 7 points8 points ago

I thought the Hessians were hired mercenaries?

[–]ndchristie 21 points22 points ago

Letters, journals, and reports of the time suggest that, while the service was indeed purchased by various powers, the men that made up the bulk of the Hessian forces had been taken by force of arms, not unlike (although significantly more extreme) than the British Navy. Like the Continental Army and various French and British forces, the official penalty for desertion was death, but unlike those other armies, most of the men were not there by choice, so they dealt more commonly and more severely with desertion, mutiny, and insubordination.

During the battle of Trenton, the majority of the Hessian officers took up with their artillery battery, which commanded much of the area. The necessity of silencing these guns led the Americans to bombard them with their own numerically superior cannon, leading to a slaughter of the Hessian middle-command, the dispersion of their regular infantry, and the general confusion. Rall, the surviving colonel, directed his men to recapture the guns, but the success was short-lived (we're talking minutes) and he himself was laid low in what accounts suggest was a strange mix of bayonet, unarmed combat, and defensive fire (it's worth noting that neither army was able to make optimal use of their firearms due to the weather conditions leading up to the battle, dramatically decreasing the effectiveness of the German Jaegers and Chasseurs as well as Greene's marksmen - a thing which turned out fortunate, in that it rendered both forces much less lethal, except where cannon was involved).

No longer in proper formation and without the influence of their officers, the supposedly strictly-disciplined and bloodthirsty mercenaries were very quick to break ranks, flee (or rather, attempt to), and for the most part surrender. They proved to be easy prisoners, much more keen on farming and the prospect of land-ownership than starting trouble, especially in PA+NJ which had large German-speaking populations to begin with. The overall tone they presented after the defeat was one of good-riddance.

[–]Osiris32 4 points5 points ago

Upvote for historical accuracy. Mind posting sources, since no doub someone will question you? (BTW, I believe you, I just read Washington by Ron Chernow, and that's pretty much exactly what happened)

[–]HumusTheWalls 1 point2 points ago

[–]I_am_the_Jukebox 0 points1 point ago

One thing that often gets ignored in favor of things like the Boston Massacre and the Tea Party is the abduction of US mariners by the British and their forced enslavement to work for the crown. It was one of the main points brought up in the Declaration of Independence:

He has constrained our fellow Citizens taken Captive on the high Seas to bear Arms against their Country, to become the executioners of their friends and Brethren, or to fall themselves by their Hands.

So good on you for bringing it up!

[–]FartMagnet -2 points-1 points ago

I upvoted because it looked big and important. I have no idea what it said. I'm conservative

[–]NELCgeek 1 point2 points ago

They were. I don't know who this guy is talking about. The British maybe? But it was the Hessians that good ol' GW attacked across the Delaware

[–]Taliesintroll 0 points1 point ago

The Hessians were the "standing army" of the Prince of Hesse, which was a small German principality and is now a state. (Or whatever the German equivalent is.) The reason they were in America is that, while the Prince of Hesse wasn't fighting wars, he couldn't afford a standing army, so what he and the other small states did was hire them out as mercenaries.

[–]LukaCola -2 points-1 points ago

Well yes but my point is that those people were hardly dragged out against their will.

It just kinda makes Washington seem more like a dick.

Oh and the state equivalent is generally a province, for most countries besides the US.

[–]Taliesintroll 1 point2 points ago

In fact, I'm almost certain the Hessian mercenaries were volunteers, who decided occasionally having to fight was better than farming or trying to live in Germany, where Protestants and Catholics had been constantly trying to kill each other for the past century.

[–]ndchristie 3 points4 points ago

http://books.google.com/books?id=PdXBnelX89YC&printsec=frontcover#v=onepage&q&f=false

^ why be "almost" certain by guessing and assuming, when you can read the truth, collected and published by respected researchers and historians?

[–]Bajonista 1 point2 points ago

Germany is a Federal Republic, made up of 16 Länder. When Germans refer to them in English they call them "states."

[–]gopats12 25 points26 points ago

But the truth can't get in the way of America hating on the 4th of July, this is reddit

[–]Lampmonster1 39 points40 points ago

This is America hating? I feel a bit of pride every time I see that picture.

[–]ycpa68 16 points17 points ago

Same here. I see it as a don't F**k with the USA thing.

[–]WinstonsTasteGood 10 points11 points ago

You can type "Fuck" on the internet. Go ahead, try it.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

FFFFFFFFUUUU-Jackie Chan, DAMMIT!

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago

Fu-tractor

nope.

[–]leviirish 2 points3 points ago

Thank you, I was about to do it too!

[–]GoTzMaDsKiTTLez -1 points0 points ago

An upvote for you, good sir.

[–]SomeSortaSlow 1 point2 points ago

Spread, Spread, Delaware

[–]Zamiel 9 points10 points ago

He'll save children but not the British children...

[–]MakeThemWatch 16 points17 points ago

lol Butthurt Hessians

[–]c_estlavie 46 points47 points ago

Cake day on Independence day? That's a god damn true Jesus loving devil hating American right there.

[–]odn_86 24 points25 points ago

Winners go the extra mile and fuck the prom queen. Losers sleep in.

[–]I_used_to_be_surly 8 points9 points ago

Coffee is for closers.

[–]Necrix -2 points-1 points ago

I sleep in because I work later than most. I never fucked the prom queen because she had herpes. I'm single and own a successful business. I'm a loser!

[–]Inget 3 points4 points ago

Loser!

[–]kaltorak 18 points19 points ago

And then WWI came along and suddenly on Christmas everyone turns into soccer-playing faeries.

[–]butcher99 9 points10 points ago

That was the brits and germans.

[–]CP_DaBeast 1 point2 points ago

No, we played football.

[–]joshychrist 3 points4 points ago

You British types are the ones that named it soccer.

[–]FlyWithFishes 23 points24 points ago

[–]Runamok81 4 points5 points ago

[–]Wrexem 0 points1 point ago

Thanks! I was looking for that...

[–]CallMeAnEngineer 3 points4 points ago

Bitch about it.

[–]Breathing_Balls 25 points26 points ago

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago

needs more porn

[–]broodwich87 6 points7 points ago

Can't tell if this is a compliment or an insult...

[–]Britredditor 2 points3 points ago

It's a complisult.

[–]lawlbrawl 3 points4 points ago

YAHOO

[–]willymo 1 point2 points ago

I can confirm this.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]fr3ddie -4 points-3 points ago

plz die kthx

[–]jointsmcdank 5 points6 points ago

Now let's blow some shit up.

[–]brodiemann 2 points3 points ago

Please... this is 2012... Now we do it on Early Winter Holiday.

War on ChristmasTM

[–]DirtPile 2 points3 points ago

Tits and guns.

[–]forzion_no_mouse 3 points4 points ago

When you're pushed killings as easy as breathing.

[–]india23 7 points8 points ago

Happy Cake Day my friend

[–]Blacklion95 1 point2 points ago

Hard and fast. That's how you do it.

[–]vigman 1 point2 points ago

And then we will sing songs about it for centuries to come.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

fuck yeah!

[–]zendingo 1 point2 points ago

makes me proud!!!

[–]Leopoldstach 1 point2 points ago

You mean mericah!

[–]dabezian 1 point2 points ago

So it's about reposting years old motivational posters that are so common that even my history teacher has one on her door? (granted, she was one of the best teachers I've ever had, but still)

[–]Pike1914 7 points8 points ago

Happy birthday to the best damn country in the world. (and happy cake day OP)

[–]NELCgeek 4 points5 points ago

Hey. We needed a win. We were getting our asses kicked. Don't take that away from us.

[–]XOMGZOR 1 point2 points ago

Hey.. As an American who knows my home has faults but is still my home I say go fuck yourself... See, freedom of speech for the both of us.

[–]LieutenantFappington 2 points3 points ago

It's a day where everyone represents the fucks they don't give about everything

[–]Silentwes 2 points3 points ago

If it means we'll get our own country, fuck yeah we will. We'll hope your birthdays on Christmas while we do it.

[–]happlepaff 2 points3 points ago

LET THE BUTTHURT COMMENCE

[–]xLASTxDISCIPLEx 1 point2 points ago

Getting drunk as hell and blowing shit up. Good ol' US of A

[–]nono66 1 point2 points ago

As an American that loves history this is awesome, well played.

[–]conciliatory 1 point2 points ago

If you don't like it, feel free to leave.

[–]fuckingcaptcha 3 points4 points ago

Obligatory FUCK YEEEEAAAAAAAHHH

[–]CoyoteStark 0 points1 point ago

Goddam right! America invented Christmas and sleep, and we can do whatever we goddam please.

[–]claudesoph 0 points1 point ago

*Let's

[–]Motafication 0 points1 point ago

Corporate greed and the erosion of our rights for the sake of safety and propriety?

[–]800sxr 0 points1 point ago

HO HO HO MOTHERFUCKER

[–]Rbryson30 -4 points-3 points ago

MERICA!!!

[–]AngryKittehPoo -2 points-1 points ago

[–]always_sharts 1 point2 points ago

CORRECT WAY TO LINK PICTURES.... FUCK YEAH

[–]FisicalGraffiti 0 points1 point ago

Came in here fully expecting beer and fireworks. You still managed to get my upvote.

[–]jmad202 0 points1 point ago

We play for keeps, fuckers.

[–]srock456 0 points1 point ago

please explain exactly what you were doing last 4th of july, you seem to have been very bored to have created an account on reddit

[–]alotofsand[S] 0 points1 point ago

My friends and I were bored, waiting for fireworks and passing the time with reddit.

'merica.

[–]srock456 0 points1 point ago

lol

[–]immahorst 0 points1 point ago

Something tells me you aren't amreican

[–]alotofsand[S] 1 point2 points ago

Sure am. Minnesota born and raised. american or not, you have to appreciate funny things like this.

[–]ucccft -3 points-2 points ago

WOW! All this America Hating from the scum of the earth the Britshit with all their ENVY and Jealous of America! LOL! Keep on Hating, and keep on Suffering! LOL!!!

USA! The July 4th for EVER!

[–]thegreatvortigaunt 3 points4 points ago

I hope you're a troll.

[–]m3l0n -1 points0 points ago

Fuck whoever made this.

[–]Motafication 0 points1 point ago

The truth hurts.

[–]m3l0n 0 points1 point ago

Not really, it's just a little offensive to the men and women who continue to fight for America to have it's citizens think that that's what America stands for.

[–]Nivlac024 -1 points0 points ago

i think it is awesome. fuck yeah we will kill you in your sleep on christmas.

[–]hoptail05 -1 points0 points ago

It was easy, they were drunk.

[–]from_scratch -1 points0 points ago

420 lol

[–]byte__me -1 points0 points ago

That's not what America is about!!!! it's just what we do :)

[–]ColdPizzaAtDawn -3 points-2 points ago

upvote for cake day on 'murica cake day!

[–]1337m00nm4n -2 points-1 points ago

You lucky dog, having your cakeday on the 4th...

[–]Lukianox -2 points-1 points ago

USA not America