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Must be a girl thing because my bf looks at me like I'm crazy when I suggest we go sit with him! Am I alone on this one? (imgur.com)

submitted ago by Shawnee0x

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[–][deleted] 58 points59 points ago

I actually quite like doing things alone (movies, restaurants, coffee).

[–]LittleToast 88 points89 points ago

Not a girl thing, but maybe more of an extrovert thing.

As a female introvert, I personally tend not to want to make friends with strangers, nor would I necessarily appreciate someone joining me if I was eating alone (which I have no problem with).

[–]AnnaLemma 28 points29 points ago

This is exactly right. I'm an ardent proponent of personal space; it would never occur to me to sit next to someone if there are more private spaces available, and I sure as hell wouldn't appreciate it if someone did that to me.

Remember kids - "alone" and "lonely" are not synonyms!

[–]whiskeygirl 34 points35 points ago

There are worse things than being alone. Being alone does not equate to being lonely.

[–]Kay_Elle 38 points39 points ago

Cute drawing, but just one thing: Do not just go sit with random strangers.

I'm actually one of those rare girls who eats out alone sometimes, and I'd find it really awkward if someone came to sit with me.

I'm aware I'm eating alone and I chose this. It's not sad or lonely - I enjoy my food and if I think I'll be bored I'll bring something to read. I eat out with my bf and friends often enough, but I'm an introvert/loner and sometimes I do things like go to a movie alone and sometimes I'll grab some food before. Or I'll have an extensive lunch if work allows.

[–]neurotrophic 200 points201 points ago

Um, I don't think it's a girl thing, it's a not-understanding-other-people thing. Just because someone is sitting by themselves means they want someone random to pity them and give them company. This reminds me of when I was in college and would eat alone in the dining hall, and other people would come up to me and say "why are you eating by yourself? do you want to sit in our giant group of people so you aren't all alone?" No. I want to eat and then go do more important things.

It's also strange that you assume that this is because you are a girl. You and your boyfriend are two different people, just because you are a girl and he is a guy doesn't mean that every difference between you is based on that.

[–]dontmovedontmoveahhh 56 points57 points ago

it's a not-understanding-other-people thing

That's kind of harsh, I would really appreciate someone offering to eat with me when I'm alone. I think it's definitely an introvert vs. extrovert thing, when you see someone alone, you're going to project how you would feel onto the situation. If you'd feel lonely eating by yourself you're going to feel sympathy and want to help the person you perceive as lonely, if you enjoy solitude you are going to assume that person is perfectly happy.

[–]neurotrophic 49 points50 points ago

You say harsh, I say blunt. You say it's because she's an extrovert, I say it's because she doesn't understand that her experience isn't universal, and if she acts as if it is it means she doesn't understand other people.

[–]dontmovedontmoveahhh 17 points18 points ago

I don't see where the misunderstanding is. In the comic she's assuming he wants company, and her boyfriend assumes he wants to be left alone. Without actually talking to the person, you have no way of ascertaining which of these is true.

Edit: I googled elderly people and loneliness and now I am sad :(

[–]neurotrophic 23 points24 points ago

It's kind of irrelevant whether the guy actually wants to be left alone or not though. In most places, it's generally more polite to assume that people in public are doing what they want to do (unless they appear hurt or in danger in some way), and not to assume that because it's something you wouldn't want to do they don't want to either. If you drive everywhere and offered rides to everyone who was walking somewhere because you hate walking that would be weird as well.

[–]dontmovedontmoveahhh 4 points5 points ago

I'm wondering how much of this is cultural. I'm offered rides a lot, people open doors assist with loads, etc, so being offered company with doesn't seem that socially unacceptable.

[–]neurotrophic 6 points7 points ago

Yeah, it likely is a cultural thing. Where do you live if you don't mind my asking?

[–]Shawnee0x[S] 6 points7 points ago

I'm from New England. I'm not sure I would ever act on actually approaching someone who was sitting alone and from everyone's responses, I have aquired a new outlook on those who do wish to eat alone.

On father's day one year, I saw an older man alone at the table next to us and he told the waitress he was waiting for someone - I wasn't eavesdropping, the place was just small and the tables were pretty close together. An hour must have passed and no one showed. The heartbroken look on the man's face when he told the waitress that it had been to long and he would just like the check really ht home.

Ever since then, I can't help but wonder why people sit alone, and I know it is none of my business, which is why I simply think about it and never inquire or impose on a stranger's life. Now, after reading about how many people enjoy dining alone, I have a much brighter outlook on the topic!

[–]TheThirdBlackGuy 2 points3 points ago

Eh, midwest US it is not totally uncommon to ask someone if they'd want company, particularly older people. I'm not even extroverted, but if I'm sitting alone at one booth and some other guy is sitting alone at another booth I might as well ask to join them. At the worse they say no, at best I enter someone else's world. Perhaps I'm just young, naive, or unable to understand people as neurotrophic is stating, but I don't care. No one I've met (seated or not) has seemed to mind. Perhaps they were just being polite?

[–]Ru-Fi-OOOOOOOOH 12 points13 points ago

you're right that not everyone eating alone is secretly wishing for company, but it'd be sad if the OP were to refrain from acting in kindness because she's learned to fear that her kindness could do more harm than good. that's how people turn into pacifists.

It's good to remind her that her experience isn't universal. I would encourage her to act on her initial feeling of sympathy in a tactful way, and be ready to throw out her initial assumption, lest she become one of those must-do-gooders who resent those who turn out not to need her kindness...

"scuse me, where'd you get that lasagna? it looks good!"

if the old man brightens up, then continue small talk and give him opportunity to invite you to sit with him.

if he's annoyed then wish him a good day.

[–]ChadwickHenryWard 1 point2 points ago

fear that her kindness could do more harm than good. that's how people turn into pacifists.

Generally, I don't view blowing the shit out of people with guns and bombs to be an act of kindness.

[–]Ru-Fi-OOOOOOOOH 1 point2 points ago

righto..."apathetic" is the word I shoulda used instead.

[–]utopianfiat 21 points22 points ago

Male perspective: If I was an old man and eating alone at a restaurant, it would be 100% because I didn't want to eat with some child and her boyfriend.

I'm pretty sure you could say the same for an old lady. Would you go and eat alone because you were secretly hoping someone would go eat with you?

No, you want to be left alone. I wouldn't give the guy anything less.

[–]Ru-Fi-OOOOOOOOH 15 points16 points ago

you're projecting dude. loneliness among the elderly is very very widespread. some people want to be alone, some people secretly crave company. besides, those are the 2 extremes of the spectrum. the desire for solitude vs being social is a gradient and shifts with mood.

and I'd argue that a large majority, even if they're not lonely, would welcome GOOD company, even if they originally set out to just chill alone.

good thing is that social interaction isn't all or nothing--either sit with him for the whole meal or ignore him--you can make smalltalk and test if someone would enjoy your company.

what most old men do NOT crave, though, is sympathy. so you gotta be careful you don't come off as patronizing.

[–]utopianfiat 3 points4 points ago

I don't feel like there's a way to do it without being patronizing, but that's just me.

Also, since I was reciting my perspective, I'd say I was intentionally projecting?

[–]dontmovedontmoveahhh 21 points22 points ago

Lonely people have to eat too. I ate alone for an entire year in college and it definitely had a negative impact on my mental health (not eating alone, but the isolation over a prolonged period of time) if he has family and a job and hobbies and a vibrant social life and eats alone because he likes to, he probably wouldn't appreciate the company. If he lives alone without any family or friends, as many elderly people do, he could be lonely. I can think of relatives that fall into both camps, elderly people generally want to talk about their experiences with a younger people, it's not universal but it's not uncommon either.

[–]momih 9 points10 points ago

I have to agree with you. Obviously it's a preference, but I know my elderly grandfather is very lonely and would absolutely love if someone came and struck up a conversation.

Also, I'd like to point that feeling sympathy or empathy for a stranger doesn't necessarily mean you have to act on it. Just because OP thinks providing the gentleman with company would be a nice thing, doesn't mean she will...

[–]lazybarista 3 points4 points ago

This is an incredibly tone deaf response and I'm surprised (or not) that it's gotten so many upvotes. No, your experience as a young woman eating alone in a school dining hall is in no way parallel to an elderly man eating alone in a restaurant, as anyone who gives a lick about senior issues will know that chronic loneliness is a huge issue for the elderly, these people are often spouseless, separated by distance from their children, or simply forgotten by their families and communities at large. There is no harm in extending a hello and asking to join them over a meal if you detect from their body language and general mood that they will be open to it. I do it all the time as someone who herself doesn't mind going out alone. If anything, I think its you who doesnt understand other people, because you're prioritizing your own experiences as a young woman who ate alone at school and projecting that to different sectors of the population who may actually be facing different issues than you.

[–]feathermay 13 points14 points ago

I don't know, I feel that way sometimes, and then I remind myself that it's kind of rude to assume that because someone is sitting by themselves they are lonely.

I'm 6 months pregnant and sometimes I crave random food that I can only get at a restaurant and I don't have someone to go with me. So I go by myself. Usually I sit at the bar, which has started to garner some strange looks now that I have a huge bump. If someone came to sit with me because they assumed I was lonely, I would be like...um, nope, not lonely, just hungry.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

Heavens! A pregnant woman without a man to escort her?! No wonder you end up at the bar!

:o)~

[–]fromvictory 16 points17 points ago

my guesses on the emoticon at the end: a boob with a weird birthmark as the wind goes by

someone with a big nose and a tiny, curly body

someone with a really round chin, whistling

someone with a colon for a right arm, raising their left arm to expel armpit-smells

someone with a colon for a right ear, winking

[–]lpathst 7 points8 points ago

that's why I always carry a book/iPad/iPhone with me and make it a point to be incredibly engrossed in that object. I like doing things by myself: shopping, movies, eating, etc. It's my alone time for chrissakes. Especially the older I get- I really, REALLY, enjoy my "me" time.

[–]semi_anon 10 points11 points ago

As the king of introverted introverts (I find it stressful to order food at McDonald's because I worry I will somehow do it 'wrong') I cannot say that sitting down next to a random stranger is something I would ever do, nor can I say that I would ever want a random stranger to sit down next to me. However, I certainly don't think it is a bad impulse for you to have; nor, really, would it be a bad impulse for you to act on. If you have the social grace to pull something like this off without making the cute old man feel awkward or pitied, then more power to you!

There is no shame in wanting to talk to random people. And there is no shame in not wanting to talk to random people. These are just different ways to experience the world.

So, again, good for you. But, if your boy-friend is more socially awkward then you, then the thought of something which you could pull off with a fair amount of grace may fill his, no doubt brave, man-heart to the brim with paralyzing-social-terror. So, it may not be a girl thing, it may be, as many others have said, merely a personality difference.

[–]trogdor1289 7 points8 points ago

Yeah he can prob manage without, you sitting with him to make yourself feel better.

[–]jimbro2k 22 points23 points ago

I AM an old man and I want you to leave me the hell alone so I can eat in peace!

[–]I_post_cat_pics 32 points33 points ago

Not every elderly person needs or wants to be coddled like a baby. I find it pretty derogatory when people assume it's okay to baby-talk to an older person or pretend like they're helpless. If you know the person needs help, please treat them like a person not a puppy.

[–]unintendedchaos 10 points11 points ago

I don't think going to sit with and having a good conversation with an elderly person is the same as coddling them or pretending they're helpless.

[–]I_post_cat_pics 11 points12 points ago

I was mentioning more for the whole "cute old man" thing, making it seem like he's a puppy or baby. I know plenty of people that do the whole "omg, what a cute old man, aww look at him!" And it's like, come on. He's someone who's lived a full amazing life with tons of wisdom, not a kitten.

[–]MoonshineSchneider 16 points17 points ago

On the other end, it's also a bit presumptuous to assume that he led an 'amazing life full of wisdom' because for all we know, that cute, wise old man could be a racist old coon. The coddling of the elderly gets on my nerves too, but so does the assumption that an old person must be incredibly wise just because they're old. It's not as insulting and absurd as the coddling, but it's still kind of silly.

[–]I_post_cat_pics 4 points5 points ago

Mhmm, that's also true. Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I've always been taught to respect my elders no matter what. So if I'm approaching an elderly person, I do so with the presumption that I'm going to treat that person with full on respect, regardless of what racist/sexist/backwards-thinking bullshit flies out of their mouth.

[–]MoonshineSchneider 1 point2 points ago

Maybe it's a cultural thing, but I've always been taught to respect my elders no matter what.

Fair enough!

[–]unintendedchaos 0 points1 point ago

Okay, yeah, agreed.

[–]LauretteOB 6 points7 points ago

My mom likes to go eat alone and she HATES when she gets pity looks. she's like "LET ME READ, FUCK"

[–]jamiejew 18 points19 points ago

I haven't ever had the urge or thought it would make sense to go sit down with a person I don't know because they're eating alone. It seems like it's just asking for an awkward situation to me. I just assume that there are plenty of people who feel perfectly content eating alone, elderly or not.

[–]GingerSoul44 15 points16 points ago

That definitely isn't a girl thing, unless this happens to be one of those issues where I am more "masculine". I never have had this thought before and probably never will.

[–]albequirky 13 points14 points ago

Ooh, condescending with a heart of gold.

[–]thewallpaperhastogo 4 points5 points ago

Awesome! The old guy has more hair than you guys! ;)

[–]julieb123 5 points6 points ago

I don't think it's just a girl thing, but I do absolutely feel this ALL THE FREAKING TIME. It makes me so sad to see someone sitting alone. I won't go up to them though because I remind myself that they probably want that. There are a million ways to meet other people, and if this person is out and aboot, they probably are perfectly capable of those methods of meeting others. If they are alone, it's by choice.

If this person is having trouble (can't stand, etc) regardless of age, then I might step in, but I think it's more of a dick move to NOT help someone clearly struggling when you can help them (I don't mean just helping someone who looks like they need pity, but someone who is, like, about to fall or knock everything over).

[–]PuppyPuppies 4 points5 points ago

I don't think it's a girl thing, but I had a friend in high school who I would sit at with lunch and at one point she saw a boy sitting by himself and put on this whimpering voice, "I always feel so bad when I see people sitting alone! I want to go sit with him!" Her intentions were good, but it had me taken aback for a moment. I guess she didn't realize that when we didn't have the same lunch period, I almost always sat by myself. (Because I wanted to, not because I had to.)

[–]SkuttleSkuttle 14 points15 points ago

I want to brush on the description of him as a "cute old man."

I think sometimes we dehumanize people without meaning to. One way of doing this is by projecting our own beliefs and expectations onto others without considering their unique perspective.

Another is by using words which are sneakily dismissive such as "cute" or "sweet." Sometimes these words can be complements or simply appropriate, but often they are condescending.

For example "It's cute that that girl wants to be a surgeon." Or "Its cute that that grown ass man with a life full of trials and experiences I cant begin to guess at is enjoying a meal alone."

[–]badaboom 3 points4 points ago

Thank you! I hate it when people describe old people as 'cute'. For all you know, that guy was a spy during the cold war. Fuck your condescending words.

[–]TheMemeGirl 13 points14 points ago

I'm an intovert, and I would really hate it if a stranger were to come sit with me because I was alone.
Maybe the guy just wants to eat by himself

[–]tinypennies 3 points4 points ago

It has always been my experience that those people are alone because they want to be.

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points ago

I'm a girl and I think that seems like a really awkward thing to do, so maybe it's just a "personal" thing.

[–]MyWifesBusty 4 points5 points ago

Every time I entertain the notion of inviting a lone diner to sit with my wife and I... the thought of having them turn into a clingy stalker and me having to deal with that problem simply makes me assume they want to be alone and I'd damn well better not mess with it.

[–]Patient000 3 points4 points ago

I'm not an old man at a restaurant, but I've certainly wished someone would offer to sit at my table and eat with me at my dorm during the week. 2 years, and I still eat mostly alone since I'm afraid of bothering people around me for a place to sit and eat socially.

Maybe that person sitting by themselves has a busy life and resents any intrusion during their "alone time"; maybe they are an introvert who is perfectly fine with eating alone, thank you very much. Or maybe, sometimes, they really would appreciate the gesture, regardless of their social orientation.

It's an empathy thing, depending on how you perceive the lone person's situation.

[–]Muskogee 5 points6 points ago

I had the opposite happen the other day. My fiance and I were eating at a Qdoba. He made it through the line and went to sit down first, and he sat down at a 6-seat table where someone was already sitting. I was horrified! I pulled him away from the table whispering things about "can't just go up to people... did you ask her to.... but there are tables!...." I don't think I made any complete thoughts. Not sure why I was so horrified, but I definitely was.

[–]asldkfououhe 3 points4 points ago

i eat out alone all the time and if someone came over and started patting me on the shoulder.. well. first i'd be hugely insulted and then i would swear at them a bunch

[–]lobaroja85 2 points3 points ago

I remember when I was back in HS sitting with my best friend at Wendy's. We were laughing and eating, waiting to go see a movie. I see this older woman eating alone. She was a bit disheveled. I got very sad and teary eyed. I don't like to see people alone or sad. I learned to not pay attention to people who sit alone otherwise I think they are lonely, which then makes me sad.

[–]Mrrrp 2 points3 points ago

Must be a you thing, 'cos I'm definitely a woman and I'd never do that.

[–]MsMorningstar 1 point2 points ago

While I have almost entirely gotten over my whole eating in front of others phobia, I would be really uncomfortable if I were eating alone in a restaurant and some random person decided to sit with me.

[–]sneakystratus 1 point2 points ago

I would love to do this if I weren't such a social lummox.

[–]run85 1 point2 points ago

I've eaten with strangers, but maybe I have a lower barrier to social interaction than most. I'm cool with small talk, and if I had a choice between eating with someone or eating alone, I'd rather eat with someone. I'm not really an extrovert, since I like to do stuff independently, but I'm not committed to staying alone just because I am alone. You never know if someone wants to be social or not but I don't think asking hurts. Then again, I'm the type of girl who goes backpacking in Eastern Europe on my lonesome, and still manages to meet people nonstop, so maybe I've got a different perspective--that just because you're alone at the moment doesn't mean you have a commitment to being alone.

[–]allisaurausrex 0 points1 point ago

I usually want to be friends with the cute old couple because I like hearing others people stories about their lives, you never know what you'll hear.

[–]Lily_May 0 points1 point ago

I'm the same way, OP, if I see someone who looks like they want company, I'll go over and chat with them for a moment, gauge the situation, and either chat a little longer or leave.

I just had this almost exact incident happen when I was out with my mom. And elderly woman was waiting for her grandsons to come have dinner with her and was clearly upset and lonely that they were standing her up. We had started a few conversations with her, and had just decided to invite her to sit when one of them finally walked in.

[–]AnastasiaVon 0 points1 point ago

I think it's a expression of your compassion. Would it be welcome? Maybe, maybe not. Sounds like you're just a nice person.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]AnnaLemma 7 points8 points ago

why are people being so hostile in this thread?

Exactly same reason so many people in this subreddit get defensive when the question of kids comes up: we're sick and tired of the incessant incorrect assumptions. I strongly encourage you to watch Susan Cain's wonderful TED lecture on introversion to put this sort of attitude in perspective. To summarize, our society is built around the needs and assumptions of introverts extroverts, which can be exhausting and demoralizing to those of us who aren't. The following questions are obnoxious beyond belief, and we hear them all the time:

  • Why aren't you smiling? Are you sad? (No - this is my neutral face.)

  • Come on - it's Friday night; why the hell would you rather stay home and read instead of going to the bar? Don't be such a shut-in! (Because it's the end of the work week and I'm tired, and being around a bunch of other people makes me more tired.)

  • Aww, don't be shy. Why don't you say something? (I'm not shy - I just don't feel like yelling over a half-dozen people to say something trite.)

What we object to is this automatic assumption that everyone wants to be around other people all the fraking time. The reason we get so defensive about it that, well, we spend our lives feeling like we have to defend against it! What you see as "looking out for others" some of us see as a systematic invasion of our cherished, rare, and oh-so-necessary solitude.

[–]lazybarista 4 points5 points ago

This is ridiculous. Not everyone eating alone is an introvert, and being an introvert does not mean you can't enjoy another person's company. Why is it difficult for people to accept that lonely people exist? You can even be both introverted and lonely! Youre projecting your own feelings about being social on other people. Maybe this is why so many people on reddit complain about having difficulty making friends? Lots of people would kill to have someone approach them and ask to join them in what they're doing, because they're lonely and bored as fuck. If you're not one of these people then feel free to decline such offers, but dont expect everyone around you to not be considerate to the fact that some people want interaction and to make friends.

[–]run85 2 points3 points ago

Yeah, I'm not exactly a social butterfly, but I actually like meeting strangers if I'm alone and sharing a slice of my life with them. If I want to be alone, I'll say thanks but no thanks, but then again, I've got all of my life to be alone, and I might fortuitously have a good time. But if I really want to be alone, I'm not a delicate hothouse flower who can't politely refuse a social invitation.

[–]just_like_that 0 points1 point ago

To summarize, our society is built around the needs and assumptions of introverts

Did you mean extroverts? Also, I love that TED talk!

[–]AnnaLemma -1 points0 points ago

Yes, thanks for catching that.

[–]Shawnee0x[S] 0 points1 point ago

All I can do is try.

[–]Miathermopolis -2 points-1 points ago

Yea, you're alone. Weirdo.

[–]antisocialmedic -1 points0 points ago

Old people creep me out.

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