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all 116 comments

[–]jnethery 59 points60 points ago

I read Denny's voice as Scruffy the janitor.

[–]ScottyDntKnow 12 points13 points ago

The story left off the end, where after receiving his refill.. he sat back down, took out an old porno magazine and started flipping through it.... "eeYup"

[–]jnethery 14 points15 points ago

"Denny's gonna die the way he lived. sits down and flips through porn mag"

[–]Xannarra 2 points3 points ago

I read it as the Dos Equis guy

[–]anjewthebearjew 1 point2 points ago

I was channeling this guy.

[–]the_poodleo 0 points1 point ago

ÈGet Denny his refill and some potater chipsÈ

[–]cmdood 0 points1 point ago

I read it as Sean Connery for some reason

[–]docblue 0 points1 point ago

I read it as the most interesting man in the world's voice.

[–]Ryanair 17 points18 points ago

Saw this story posted under an AskReddit thread about "What are your (insert anything here) stories?" ~ 8 or 9 months ago. Was upvoted to the top and everyone believed her. Heh. Reddit.

[–]Bastard_of_Action 2 points3 points ago

I know, I've actually seen it multiple times :(

[–]jsellout 29 points30 points ago

A gigantic link like that and all we get is a thumbnail movie poster? guhh

[–]TheMocoMan 27 points28 points ago

I want to believe!

[–]masedizzle 80 points81 points ago

Nothing has ever not happened as much as this.

[–]rjung 1 point2 points ago

But it should.

[–]Mandraix 7 points8 points ago

What an original and insightful contribution.

Edit: The circlejerk is strong in this thread.

[–]masedizzle 5 points6 points ago

Great story. Compelling and rich.

[–]nerdCaps 6 points7 points ago

I love seeing this posted. It is one of the members of the Pantheon of Reposts that I enjoy every single time.

[–]RenegadeVacuum 15 points16 points ago

Why do I feel like Denny belongs in a Stephen King novel?

[–]MJA94 12 points13 points ago

Way to repost one of the top links from /r/funny

[–]LightingEnvirons 3 points4 points ago

a like a nice, vintage repost. more karma if it's heart warming.

[–]ThatFeel_IKnowIt 4 points5 points ago

Yes, that is definitely a true story..

[–]tuckie 3 points4 points ago

Iv been reading this story for two years now,fudging reposts!

[–]BitKid4 19 points20 points ago

And this is why I love old people

[–]I_am_not_angry 13 points14 points ago

Old people just don't give a fuck anymore...

[–]BitKid4 6 points7 points ago

They really don't, whippin' out a cane sword like it's a lollipop.

[–]beckerist 5 points6 points ago

For some reason I pictured this guy as Shepherd Book

[–]tidderxdp2 4 points5 points ago

/b/'s made up bullshit stories are usually so much better than reddit's

[–]Johnnygunnz 5 points6 points ago

Denny is the greatest man since my own grandfather who taught me my first curse word, shit, when I was 2.

[–]RogueNine 2 points3 points ago

That was my first word!

[–]kryonik 15 points16 points ago

My first word was "kitty" :/

[–]viddles 19 points20 points ago

Born Redditor.

[–]ryder77 0 points1 point ago

I don't know what mine was but apparently I was unable to pronounce the letter "J".

What the hell am I being downvoted for because I couldn't pronounce a letter as a kid?

[–]Mattyice318 3 points4 points ago

Get this man a repost!

[–]vegillasaurus 1 point2 points ago

Seems legit.

[–]peridox 1 point2 points ago

How I wish this was true.

[–]DangerIsOurBusiness[!] 1 point2 points ago

About twenty minutes later Jerkwad is back, this time flanked by 3 cops. He points Denny out to them. "Excuse me sir, did you threaten this man with a sword?"

"It's in his cane!!" shrieks Jerkwad, "I've never felt more threatened"! The cop raises an eyebrow while Denny just sits there, calm and collected. "I'm gonna need to see your cane sir".

Cop numbers two and three were talking to other patrons, asking them if they saw the incident. While i hoped against hope that they would feign innocence, i knew that the video footage would give the cops all they needed to bring Denny in.

The first cop withdrew Denny's sword from it's cane scabbard.

TL;DR this never happened.

[–]CptFastbreak 1 point2 points ago

When suddenly, Denny gripped his cane from the cop and, with one fluent motion, slit his throat. While the blood was spraying out of the cop's neck, Denny jumped three meters high through the air and dropkicked the other cop's head in, brain splashing on the jerkwad, and then, bouncing off the head, drove the sword right through the jerkwad's eyes. The patrons were fleeing in terror while I was too terrified to even move. The last cop, with shaking hands, takes his blood and brain spattered sunglasses off and fumbles for his gun, when suddenly...

[–]DangerIsOurBusiness[!] 1 point2 points ago

...thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace disarmament Treaty through the Congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race.

Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan.

The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded.

The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam , felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized even poor, stupid Jerkwad.

[–]conspiracy_thug 1 point2 points ago

free refills... for life.

[–]Punkwasher 1 point2 points ago

And that's the book title right there.

[–]aisner190 1 point2 points ago

[–]RedCatVII 3 points4 points ago

Rutger Hauer!

[–]0RPH 0 points1 point ago

Or you could be like me. A hobo with a cane-sword.

[–]Rasta_Man69 1 point2 points ago

who else pictures this old man to look like Master Roshi??

[–]0RPH 5 points6 points ago

It said he looked like Alan Moore. I pictured him as Alan Moore.

[–]re-run 0 points1 point ago

Jackie Chun Dammit!

[–]Rasta_Man69 -4 points-3 points ago

twat?

[–]re-run 3 points4 points ago

Master Roshi's disguise.

[–]TheSlovakWonder 0 points1 point ago

I read the old man's dialogue exactly as Master Roshi's voice.

[–]Rasta_Man69 -2 points-1 points ago

I do not wish to be friends Human

[–]SoulOfAegis 0 points1 point ago

[–]barbados-slim 6 points7 points ago

who's that? a pokemon?

[–]shrlock 1 point2 points ago

kawasaki uhuehuehuehue, I believe.

[–]urethraFranklin1 0 points1 point ago

"denny casually sheaths his cane sword" had me rolling on the floor

[–]suo 0 points1 point ago

Isn't this the start of, 'The Quest'?

[–]IHeartPidge 0 points1 point ago

I was really hoping Peaches was a guy. I'm just going to pretend that Peaches is actually male and ignore the gender references.

[–]ResErection 0 points1 point ago

SO...MUCH...REPOST...

[–]Shamson 0 points1 point ago

Older than the sands of time.

[–]Piratiko 0 points1 point ago

I swear on my life, I WILL be this cool when I'm old.

[–]360walkaway 0 points1 point ago

I'll take "Things that never happened" for $400, Alex.

[–]BaronLaladedo 0 points1 point ago

I wouldn't be suprised that someone has a sword in there cane since Peach works near a place with drug dealers for some reason. Am i stereotyping?

[–]blackasssnake 0 points1 point ago

i hope theres a comment in here that is epic enough to get posted on 4chan. then someone takes that 4chan thread and posts it back on reddit, where someone will take that and post it to facebook. someone on that facebook feed will recognize it coming from reddit and post it back here and all during that time i will be here...dildo fucking my butthole with one big ass smile

[–]acourtem 0 points1 point ago

Get this man some Ritz crackers!

[–]MarianasTrench 0 points1 point ago

I've read that a few times now about the internets and I still love it more every time.

[–]AllYourBase3 0 points1 point ago

psst, this never happened

[–]alwayschoosepeace 0 points1 point ago

IWhats that movie with the kid and the two old grandfathers who tell him all those crazy stories? I pictured one of them during this story

[–]porridge8712 1 point2 points ago

secondhand lions?

[–]alwayschoosepeace 0 points1 point ago

Thank you!

[–]SilentTide 0 points1 point ago

I would totally read a novel about Denny and his adventures.

[–]IHASLIED 0 points1 point ago

REEEEEEEEEEEEPOOOOOOOOOOOST

[–]JabbaWebb 0 points1 point ago

I wanna be a Denny when I'm 65 :)

[–]aztech101 0 points1 point ago

True or not it's a nice story.

[–]merjen 0 points1 point ago

This is BADASS

[–]cottonmalone 0 points1 point ago

Forward from Grandma

FW: FW: FW: Re: Re: Re:

[–]TotalBlazikin 0 points1 point ago

Totally worth the read! Frekin hilarious!

[–]tspaghetti 0 points1 point ago

copypasta is copypasta

[–]desquibnt 0 points1 point ago

2009...

[–]kobello 0 points1 point ago

i wish i could write cool stories

[–]awesome572 0 points1 point ago

FUCK YEAH!

[–]basementgnome 0 points1 point ago

Like a boss

[–]Msmuffysmom 0 points1 point ago

This was the first thing I saw on reddit when I joined.

[–]teala 0 points1 point ago

Repost

[–]Logan117 0 points1 point ago

Most likely untrue, but a great story none the less.

[–]DaLuDeD 0 points1 point ago

After reading the first two lines, I was like... I bet this Denny is a real old school pimp.

Called it.

[–]MeLovesYou 0 points1 point ago

REPOST!

[–]Jorion 0 points1 point ago

This made my day

[–]stormageddon103 0 points1 point ago

I want a guy like this at the starbucks where I work...

[–]VelvetJammies 0 points1 point ago

Way to repost something from the front of page of 'All time' for funny

[–]CaptainHeavyNuts -1 points0 points ago

OP delivered

[–]jambbo383 3 points4 points ago

Such a shame it is a repost.

[–]ToasterAtheism -1 points0 points ago

[–]inferior-raven -1 points0 points ago

That's a badass line!

I bet that guy is awesome.

[–]TimDave -1 points0 points ago

[–]shineyzombie -2 points-1 points ago

Reminds me of the old guys from the movie Secondhand Lions. Also to all those saying not to believe this story; watch that movie and pay close attention to the old man's "Grow up and be a man" speach.

[–]CautiousPrankster -2 points-1 points ago

I was lurking (aka not signed in) and had to sign in to upvote this. Thank you for bringing this story to reddit. I want to be that old man in almost every aspect.

[–]condor216 -2 points-1 points ago

If that dude is real he is the goddamn batman.

[–]Knewtworiddet -1 points0 points ago

I really want to believe...

[–]Nibas 0 points1 point ago

at the time of posting this, you have (0|0) karma. how is that possible?

[–]Knewtworiddet -1 points0 points ago

I remove the upvote that you automatically give yourself every time you post.