God. Dammit.

I'm the worst redditor, because I hate the shit out of cats. I would throw the motherfuck out of this bitch.

Story time.

My wife agreed to "cat-sit" (which is a word made up by idiots for not killing a cat for a week) her sister's cat named Firefly. This was before Firefly was a thing, so I hated the shit out of the cat already, because an otherwise cool name was wasted on a fucking cat.

As it turns out, Firefly, a year old female orange furred fuck, liked to chill on people's heads as they slept.

Ha fucking ha. Super goddamn cute.

I'm not a vengeful person. I didn't hate cats at this point, but I was very ambivalent towards them. We actually had a cat of our own, named Han Solo, because he was a cool motherfucker who would shoot first. Come to find out, Han Solo hates it when you walk into the room and runs scared every time he sees you, so eventually you grow to hate even his mere presence. But I digress.

Han, the alpha-male of our tiny cat kingdom, is being bitch slapped by Firefly, the tiny female feline, so I already dislike her. Otherwise she doesn't do a single thing that bothers me, because cats in general are beneath my notice and also fuck them.

Then, one night--maybe not the first night, but not after the third night--this little bitch of a cat decides to sleep on my head as I'm sleeping. I didn't even realize it, nor do I know why I woke up, but I startled awake to find a furry 3 to 5 pound weight sitting atop my crown. I grabbed that little bitch of a cat by the scruff and threw her across the room. I heard a thud as she hit the wall (though in my defense it was really more of a toss) and then she presumably skulked off. But by god she never slept on my head again for the rest of that tortuous week.

Because fuck that.

They are animals that suck terribly at everything, unless they are super cool, which sometimes they can be. But for the most part, when something not people is fucking with my shit for selfish reasons, fuck them.

In conclusion: Fuck cats and goddammit, Simon, man the fuck up already.