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top 200 commentsshow all 402

[–]mizremoth 28 points29 points ago

He "wins" 95% of the time. So one out of twenty farts for this guy is a shit? Let's see, on average people fart 14 times a day (SOURCE: http://www.heptune.com/farts.html), so this guy shits himself every other day.

[–]professional_here 16 points17 points ago

He's a redditor!

[–]Lysus 10 points11 points ago

Eh, he doesn't say you gamble every time you fart. Sometimes you can feel a wet one coming, though, and that's definitely a gamble.

[–]joshjje 1 point2 points ago

[–]Cypress1688 29 points30 points ago

I thought the same thing... was that really months ago? Maybe I saw the repost.

[–]DeathToPennies 34 points35 points ago

I love how you say "the repost" as if the reposting of something is absolutely inevitable. I know it's true, but it still made me laugh.

[–]SmurfRockRune 24 points25 points ago

"Did you read the book?" "No, I'll just wait for the repost."

[–]ObligatoryResponse 3 points4 points ago

It's older than craigslist, so yes, you saw the repost.

[–]NytFantom 4 points5 points ago

I love the PS. So classy

[–]Graptoi 83 points84 points ago

omg nooooooooooo

[–]relatedartists 37 points38 points ago

noooomg!

[–]TheJackalope231 40 points41 points ago

gnoooooome!

[–]D14BL0 2 points3 points ago

I imagined Darth Vader.

[–]typewriters305 2 points3 points ago

[–]nathan1653 1 point2 points ago

I totally read it in Aziz Ansari's baby voice

[–]Lilcheeks 35 points36 points ago

Girls spend so much time trying to convince us that they don't poop, and then they drop a steaming deuce in your car.

[–]Provid3nce 23 points24 points ago

Women poop? Fuck, you just ruined women for me.

[–]FISTRAPESKULLFUCK 34 points35 points ago

Poop comes out of women? Fuck, you just ruined poop for me.

[–]jimmyhoffasbrother 1 point2 points ago

With a username like that, I believe it.

[–]Stratten 212 points213 points ago

This is why I carry three seashells in my car at all times.

[–]SailingSeasofRum 14 points15 points ago

I keep a roll of TP in the center console of my car because it comes in handy for a multitude of things. I suppose fast food napkins would work as well though.

I have a blanket too, a box of big ziploc bags, a roll of painter's plastic, and some duct tape. They are in the trunk though.

[–]Matthew212 26 points27 points ago

along with the dead body right?

[–]bad_dub 4 points5 points ago

They are in the trunk though.

I think we're looking at bodies.

[–]AREYOUSauRuS 7 points8 points ago

how well does wiping with duct tape or ziploc bags work?

[–]JacobCurry 7 points8 points ago

You shit into the bag and then tape it completely shut.

[–]A_Strangelove 19 points20 points ago

Your ass or the bag?

[–]JacobCurry 17 points18 points ago

Both.

[–]atroxodisse 1 point2 points ago

This is why I read reddit.

[–]A_Strangelove 43 points44 points ago

I'm sure you aren't Stallone in this.

[–]AREYOUSauRuS 22 points23 points ago

Bullocks! Who would do such a thing?

[–]stinkycatfish 6 points7 points ago

Someone who isn't Leary of embarrassment.

[–]monkeychipsx2 8 points9 points ago

Aww, Snipes, you got me by a minute.

[–]ScottyDaQ 1 point2 points ago

No need to leave a Schneider comment than that.

[–]richandwhite 1 point2 points ago

What is going on here? Help an Oldman out.

[–]palookaJoe 1 point2 points ago

Yeah, seriously! What a bunch of Bratts.

[–]monkeychipsx2 1 point2 points ago

You didn't confuse Demolition Man with The Fifth Element, did you?

[–]A_Strangelove 1 point2 points ago

Nah he's just sleeping... just a little Tuckered out.

[–]monkeychipsx2 1 point2 points ago

Willis he ever gonna wake up?

[–]Marksman_ 1 point2 points ago

God I need to watch this again...

[–]Slehpher 2 points3 points ago

What is this you speak of?

[–]Ospre 5 points6 points ago

[–]beatskin 5 points6 points ago

That is one old-school reference!

[–]TrboLag 5 points6 points ago

She doesn't know how to use the three seashells!

[–]ChalgakillerBG 69 points70 points ago

Fake, 3 bars on AT&T

[–]atroxodisse 1 point2 points ago

You must have an iphone.

[–]garrettg19 40 points41 points ago

For some reason I read "omg nooooo" in Aziz Ansari's voice.

[–]iamdandan 1 point2 points ago

Same here. Its from the skits with his chubby cousin darwish.

[–]scruffy01 137 points138 points ago

Faker than Pete Burn's tits.

[–]HyperspaceHero[S] 61 points62 points ago

Honestly, it popped up in my Facebook feed. Here's what I saw.

[–]Ghstfce 61 points62 points ago

Well your friend honestly could have made it for likes?

[–]HyperspaceHero[S] 95 points96 points ago

Yeah. I'm not disagreeing, I'm just saying I can't verify its authenticity.

[–]Ghstfce 83 points84 points ago

Reddit has conditioned me to instantly mistrust anything funny through text.

[–]mechanical_fungineer 15 points16 points ago

Unless it's a self post, they're usually trust worthy.

[–]Vectoor 19 points20 points ago

If someone is willing to give up their precious karma, they must be honorable!

[–]Detry 2 points3 points ago

Don't be fooled, that just means they are after the precious comment karma.

[–]wildlovemonkey 1 point2 points ago

Good thing it wasn't funny.

[–]arabjuice 0 points1 point ago

funny?

[–]Ghstfce 4 points5 points ago

Whoops, "funny". Thanks for the catch

[–]dnalloheoj 9 points10 points ago

Fake phone convo uploaded to fake facebook post maker?

I SEE YOUR TRICKS, OP.

(But seriously, why have I never once seen an android text convo on here?)

[–]MonkeyCrumpets 9 points10 points ago

Because taking screenshots on Android 2.x is a pain in the arse, and 4.0 is still fairly new.

[–]Ghstfce 2 points3 points ago

Harder to call out as fake, considering there are so many configurations and SMS/MMS clients

[–]dnalloheoj 1 point2 points ago

Harder to call out as fake

If this were the case (Which I agree, it is harder to tell) wouldn't that make it the ideal choice to fake a convo with, then?

[–]Ghstfce 1 point2 points ago

Ideally yes. But creating a template for the fakes would produce the same results as the iPhone one. Same colors, stock Android messaging system. I personally use Handcent and custom colors/skins. It's rather difficult to fake, aside from completely photoshopping it.

[–]DisneyWhore 6 points7 points ago

I think we may have some friends in common. This was in my facebook feed and it looks identical... http://imgur.com/c8Dae

[–]Suchabastard 2 points3 points ago

Strange how small the internet can be at times.

[–]bagofbones 7 points8 points ago

Seriously. And does anyone really think a girl would say "sorry for shitting in your car" rather than "sorry about what happened?"

[–]tellhersafe 5 points6 points ago

We're talking about girls who shit in cars. They're not exactly the classiest bunch.

[–]Weembles 1 point2 points ago

It's the most literal case of "shit that never happened" I've ever seen.

[–]Lies_About_Expertise 800 points801 points ago

I've worked in upholstery cleaning for around 23 years now, and more than half of my work comes from someone either shitting or vomiting on their upholstery. A few weeks ago I had a girl come in who both shit on and vomited in her car in the same night. I charged her double my normal rate because she didn't even bother to attempt to clean it up. It's a fun job, I couldn't ever imagine doing anything else.

[–]FlorisJ 411 points412 points ago

I like your little stories.

[–]brokenyard 173 points174 points ago

I miss PHD_in_Everything

[–]Sleepy_One 54 points55 points ago

He was one of the first novelty accounts I remember.

[–]Arqueete 25 points26 points ago

It's too bad /u/PhD_in_everything seems abandoned now. Imagine them in a thread together.

[–]OmegaArcadia 1 point2 points ago

He's only got a Masters. We know who'll win.

[–]tokomini 11 points12 points ago

I feel like sitting down cross-legged with some cool lemonade.

[–]dqhigh 87 points88 points ago

Fuckbuckets, he got me again :(

[–]EatBeets 24 points25 points ago

I only read the username if something is fishy in the comment. He's good at what he does I guess.

[–]gigitrix 19 points20 points ago

I'M ONTO YOU BEET EATER

[–]EatBeets 1 point2 points ago

I'm sorry :( they're delicious. I farm them with my cousin Mose.

[–]scribbling_des 8 points9 points ago

Wow, did I really start a thing?

Edit: this

[–]BanglaPP 34 points35 points ago

You had me until it's a fun job.

[–]arksien 30 points31 points ago

Personally I love your jobs. They fit in nicely with this post, because they're not only wortha chuckle but share the same level of legitimacy.

[–]EpicJ 44 points45 points ago

He gets me every single fucking time.

[–]Marique 13 points14 points ago

I read it and thought, oh that's pretty cool I like this guy, I'd like to hear more about his upholstery cleaning. Then I remembered a post by "Lies_About_Expertise" that I had read earlier today. I looked up hoping that it wasn't him. It was. I upvoted.

[–]indefort 3 points4 points ago

This is exceedingly precise.

[–]RATES_YOUR_NOVELTY 242 points243 points ago

It takes only the briefest overview of the short history of Lies_About_Expertise to realise that this novelty has hit on an excellent idea and executed it with a certain droll humour that assists in tricking the reddit public into believing this is a real professional. The range of the account may be fairly narrow, choose a relevant occupation, casually bullshit in a vague way about it, but the range of possible professions that this account could claim to have makes it feasible that this could be the beginning of something big.

★★★★★★★★★☆

[–]sb3hxsb50 52 points53 points ago

Would bang.

[–]NatelieOne 14 points15 points ago

Where have you been? I've missed you.

[–]RATES_YOUR_NOVELTY 49 points50 points ago

45 hours a week stacking shelves. I tried to explain to my boss that I needed time off work to accomodate the influx of new novelties but she didn't think it was a viable excuse.

Shit, there are people on Reddit who remember things that happened over 2 months ago?

[–]NatelieOne 10 points11 points ago

Well as soon as I saw your name I went, "Oh shit!." I've also wondered where reaction on my nub went. She was cool.

Keep up the good work! And tell your boss to suck it :P

[–]LooksDelicious 40 points41 points ago

I can't wait for the "I was a Muslim for 25 years!".

[–]eaglebacon 17 points18 points ago

By the beard of Allah, I hope this happens!

[–]IGIVETHEWORSTADVICE 29 points30 points ago

Here is a protip - motor oil actually does wonders for cleaning car upholstery. You and I would make a great team.

[–]megusta_tortugas 17 points18 points ago

Lies_About_Expertise fooled me, but you won't. Almost though.

[–]Bin4ryB4ndit 15 points16 points ago

God fucking dammit, you got me again. I would tag you but that wouldn't be fair play. :S

[–]SeaweedWater 7 points8 points ago

I actually enjoy being gotten by him. I was gonna tag him but that would be no fun.

[–]KidTheFat 4 points5 points ago

I feel like you're Jarod from The Pretender. Everywhere you go you have the know-how to get shit done.

Except for the lying part. Jarod actually did do everything he did.

[–]Avery17 3 points4 points ago

Shit, you're good.

[–]tr4mpldundrfoot 4 points5 points ago

Thank god I read your username because I cleaned carpet and upholstery forever, and while you come across some weird ass shit, it's far from normal to find human shit on upholstery. Maybe under a microscope you'll see shit, but what i would call common is animal shit. Although I have had an old lady once take me through her house pointing out her "little BMs" as she called it because she couldn't make it to the bathroom, her place smelled like death.

[–]lp_phnx327 2 points3 points ago

Redditor for 3 days

Really? I swear I saw you around like a month ago.

[–]Xet 4 points5 points ago

[–]Afootlongdong 6 points7 points ago

That just takes away all the fun of novelty accounts

[–]sirwillis 1 point2 points ago

One of the reasons I don't have r_spiders_link tagged :)

I sent him a gif to use and he said it was "perfect" and used it. I felt so privileged.

[–]Step_right_up 1 point2 points ago

I have a feeling this isn't going to end well. Or begin well, if this is going chronologically backwards.

[–]the_boat 1 point2 points ago

Hasn't this type of novelty account been done, like, 3 times before?

[–]isevenx 1 point2 points ago

my new favorite reddditor

[–]pauerbach08 5 points6 points ago

We need an AMA

[–]Sleepy_One 6 points7 points ago

Check his username.

[–]pauerbach08 24 points25 points ago

Welp, I'm a moron.

[–]Sleepy_One 1 point2 points ago

I know that feeling sir.

[–]chetnrot 1 point2 points ago

I fall for your user name everytime.

[–]TehHolyFace 17 points18 points ago

[–]microcrash 16 points17 points ago

ONLY 90'S KIDS NO DIS

[–]Eminian 8 points9 points ago

Woah I have not seen that in a long time

[–]bitcheslovedroids 1 point2 points ago

BAM! nostalgia

[–]Face_To_Face 1 point2 points ago

I actually had to think hard to remember that it was the Amanda show. That was ages ago.

[–]blore40 4 points5 points ago

And you lost an opportunity for a free car detailing.

[–][deleted] 18 points19 points ago

I've actually been in a car when someone took a dump. It was a girl and she had to go real bad. Told our friend to stop, but it was too late. She had on a thong and the poo was split in half. It was so very awkward/funny/gross. I felt sorry for her :/

[–]CHALLNGEACCPTD 26 points27 points ago

1 Girl, 2 Turds

[–]Suggested 2 points3 points ago

i read omg noooo in kevin hart's voice

[–]minkcv 2 points3 points ago

I thought of that drunk girl from the beach video who said Neeeeeoooowwuh.

[–]lenartlenart 2 points3 points ago

PSYCH!

[–]IVIalefactoR 2 points3 points ago

Hey, shit happens.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

soon, all of the world knew Ashlee and that she had shat in kevin's car.

[–]jack104 1 point2 points ago

Occasionally I wish I could party hard enough to warrant shitting in someones car.

[–]Raej 1 point2 points ago

If you guys like these, there is a fairly unknown subreddit - r/wrongnumber

[–]vertekal 1 point2 points ago

I'm totally going to text that to random numbers

[–]Disastro 1 point2 points ago

There was a Craigslist post bout this

[–]mbertels 1 point2 points ago

Two E's, so you know it's classee.

[–]Dx2x 1 point2 points ago

Fake. And gay.

[–]benhop 1 point2 points ago

What makes this story better for me is that one of my ex-girlfriends is named Ashlee.

[–]coffedrank 1 point2 points ago

she wants to fuck

[–]Igneosaur 1 point2 points ago

Wow this is definitely real!

[–]Diprose 1 point2 points ago

Fake as fuck.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

FAKE

[–]shlongadong 1 point2 points ago

Haha. EXCEPT IT NEVER HAPPENED YOU KARMA WHORE

[–]PR43T0R14N 1 point2 points ago

well poop in my ear and call me a shit head that's awkward

[–]Green_Mouth 1 point2 points ago

Does anyone ever really believe these dumb iphone convos?

[–]commom_username 1 point2 points ago

she had number 2

[–]deakolt 1 point2 points ago

Poor girl simply gambled on a fart and lost

[–]paranoidkarmafreak 3 points4 points ago

fake orgasms, not iphone txts

-BRAZZERS

[–]jackchainsaw 3 points4 points ago

Yeah she meant to text 555-FAKE

[–]FrostFire626 0 points1 point ago

The last text is an unrealistic response. A poor fake.

[–]m4n715 1 point2 points ago

If this was you, which it wasn't, but if it was then you fail harder than anyone else ever has. You had such a golden opportunity for trolling and you pissed it away.

[–]buttholez69 1 point2 points ago

Why the fuck can't I ever get texts like this I'd fuck with her so bad

[–]RonWisely 0 points1 point ago

Number 2?

[–]Poopbabies 0 points1 point ago

Aw man. I thought This would be about that old guy in the Amanda show.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

You had the wrong number...for comedy

[–]Granite_State 0 points1 point ago

but she had the right number for karma...

[–]1l1k3bac0n 0 points1 point ago

[–]jamintime 0 points1 point ago

Ahhhh, why'd you put the punchline in the title?

[–]IS_THIS_STORY_REAL 0 points1 point ago

NO.

[–]JesterAzazel 0 points1 point ago

"It's ok, the smell turned me on." That's how you respond to a wrong number. You say something fucked up.

[–]abelcc 0 points1 point ago

Go to /r/TIFU more, I bet she's a redditor.

[–]ShirleyFunke482 0 points1 point ago

Whenever I see stuff like this on the front page, I have flashes of Digg v4

[–]Dubteeff 0 points1 point ago

As fake as this is I laughed at "Noooooo"

[–]Moggy11 0 points1 point ago

Looks like she had a sunglasses bum time YYEEEAAAHHHH!

[–]TunaThePanda 0 points1 point ago

Immediately heard this in my head....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIfxBthfFkg

[–]noccusJohnstein 0 points1 point ago

And people call me an alcoholic...

[–]Callumlfc69 0 points1 point ago

fake and gay

[–]abledanger 0 points1 point ago

Ashlee's a dirty girl.

[–]qbasa 0 points1 point ago

What a shitty situation.

[–]apullin 0 points1 point ago

I'd be totally fine with this. Well, as long as Ashlee was attractive. Heck, I'd expect that I'd have to pay her.

[–]slapdashbr 0 points1 point ago

so much trolling potential wasted

[–]kirizzel 0 points1 point ago

[–]Euqah 0 points1 point ago

"Omg nooooo". :D

[–]ReaganSmashK 0 points1 point ago

Why would anyone be embarrassed by some stranger that they never have, will, or ever see in person, nor ever talk to again, knowing that they shit in someone's car?

[–]DieFappy 0 points1 point ago

aint_that_some_shit.jpg

[–]Gnarnar 0 points1 point ago

There is only 1 way you can repay for doing something like that. It involves a trip to car wash and bedroom.

[–]Pelokt 0 points1 point ago

the response proves its a fake. unfortunately. well, not unfortunately for the owner of the car, but you know what i mean.

[–]SuggestsVeggies 0 points1 point ago

Maybe if she had eaten something with a little less protein and a little fiber. Like spinach or broccoli.

[–]Crazy_Joe 0 points1 point ago

Sounds like he got the shitty end of the deal.

[–]stevie_wunder 0 points1 point ago

KASIO am /smdKjk,.dsmvocx kl;./ew,mozlv,m.d,fvcva:LKKL:K{KL,..,s./, sd AS FD"DLF " S: ±:LDS

[–]Poop_Is_Edible 0 points1 point ago

[–]kacperp 0 points1 point ago

I really like how casual she is with apologies. I would be sickingly embareassed and would never look at that person. I would never talk to anyone who knows this person. And she's like "Sorry dude. You know... Fuckin Tacos". It's not like she dropped an ice cream for fuck sake.

And this is very good of her that she asked if she should pay for any damages she might have done, but the tone of this text is just so odd.

[–]callupchuck 0 points1 point ago

Should've responded with facetime.

[–]SheeK 0 points1 point ago

why the fuck would it matter if its the wrong number...its not like if you know the damn person. BULLL SHIIIT

[–]Gank_Spank_Sploog 0 points1 point ago

I pooped my bed... I had to buy a new one..

[–]somethingelsetosay 0 points1 point ago

PSYCHE! That's the wrong NUMBA!

[–]MANCREEP 0 points1 point ago

I used to shit in a walmart bag and leave it in my stepdads trunk(he never puts anything in it). I would do it once or twice a day, for about a week. He never said anything to me, but I noticed he would switch vehicles, with me and my mom alot. He eventually started driving mine pretty much fulltime. So I cleaned out his trunk, threw all the bags away, laid down some serious fabreeze(2 bottles), and starting shitting in bags and leaving them in my trunk.

[–]BuckleUpKids 0 points1 point ago

OH cmon!! You could have played along with that for much longer than a simple "you've got the wrong number."

[–]SignLogic 0 points1 point ago

LOL Wrong number? I would of kept that going for hours before I let gave that info up!

[–]feelbetternow 0 points1 point ago

If you were into girls who liked to shit in cars, this might've been the best wrong number ever.

[–]Daytman 0 points1 point ago

Why did you ruin what was funny about the text in the title?

[–]jimminybillybob123 0 points1 point ago

Should've facetimed her with kevins face on

[–]jofo 0 points1 point ago

I got a "wrong number" once in Words with Friends. I got a request from someone I didn't know so I asked who it was. They said it's your mom (turns out our usernames were or probably were similar). I said I'm pretty sure you're not my mom. She tried to pull the "provide personal information" gambit on me ("you had a colonoscopy last week"). I said "not me. call your son and ask if he has a game with you that started with "meat" (or whatever the word was, I'm hungry right now). She finally wised up but didn't want to keep playing me.

[–]Hyphnip 0 points1 point ago

Best thing about this? I have a friend named Adhlee (who spells it that way, not Ashley) who is dating someone named Kevin. Now I get to bug her about shitting in his car.

[–]aesamattki 0 points1 point ago

Do we all realize that there are iPhone screenshot generators online and that I would bet one hundred dollars that this is fake?

[–]metalstamp 0 points1 point ago

She had the number 2 by accident.

[–]SerialCow 0 points1 point ago

I knew a girl named Ashlee in elementary and middle school. She wasn't very nice. I kind of hope she had to suffer this embarrassment.

[–]godsidekurt 0 points1 point ago

So easy to fake these...makes them less funny to me

[–]memadbro 0 points1 point ago

We're supposed to believe this isn't completely fake?

[–]Azumikkel 0 points1 point ago

Oh, she had the wrong number btw.

[–]TheJoel2012 0 points1 point ago

I hope you all realize how fake this is. No girl would say that.

[–]tha_ape 0 points1 point ago

Next time request FaceTime first before responding and screen cap