this post was submitted on
2,925 points (52% like it)
29,002 up votes 26,077 down votes

funny

subscribe2,391,389 readers

19,899 users here now

PLEASE, No posts with their sole purpose being to communicate with another redditor. Click for an Example.


Welcome to r/Funny:

You may only post if you are funny.

Please No:

  • Screenshots of reddit comment threads. Post a link with context to /r/bestof or /r/defaultgems if from a default subreddit instead.

  • Posts for the specific point of it being your reddit birthday.

  • Politics - This includes the 2012 Presidential candidates or bills in congress.

  • Rage comics - Go to /fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu instead.

  • Memes - Go to /r/AdviceAnimals or /r/Memes instead.

  • Demotivational posters - Go to /r/Demotivational instead.

  • Pictures of just text - Make a self post instead.

  • DAE posts - Go to /r/doesanybodyelse

  • eCards - the poll result was 55.02% in favor of removal. Please submit eCards to /r/ecards

  • URL shorteners - No link shorteners (or HugeURL) in either post links or comments. They will be deleted regardless of intent.

Rehosted webcomics will be removed. Please submit a link to the original comic's site and preferably an imgur link in the comments. Do not post a link to the comic image, it must be linked to the page of the comic. (*) (*)

Need more? Check out:

Still need more? See Reddit's best / worst and offensive joke collections (warning: some of those jokes are offensive / nsfw!).


Please DO NOT post personal information. This includes anything hosted on Facebook's servers, as they can be traced to the original account holder.


If your submission appears to be banned, please don't just delete it as that makes the filter hate you! Instead please send us a message with a link to the post. We'll unban it and it should get better. Please allow 10 minutes for the post to appear before messaging moderators


The moderators of /r/funny reserve the right to moderate posts and comments at their discretion, with regard to their perception of the suitability of said posts and comments for this subreddit. Thank you for your understanding.


CSS - BritishEnglishPolice ©2011

a community for

reddit is a source for what's new and popular online. vote on links that you like or dislike and help decide what's popular, or submit your own! learn more ›

top 200 commentsshow 500

[–]MissAnthroPee 1141 points1142 points ago

this makes me happy AND sad.

[–]Nathan_Muir 276 points277 points ago

The world missed out on many good years of comedy.

[–]kyhadley 151 points152 points ago

Now just sad :(

[–]thefirebuilds 30 points31 points ago

I hear his voice on /r/opieandanthony and it just breaks my heart. And makes me want to diet and jog :(

[–]ngmcs8203 14 points15 points ago

Holy shit an O&A sub? What is it a sandwich or sumthin'?

[–]Dcoutofstep 3 points4 points ago

Tssss tssss

[–]WhyNotBarbershop 580 points581 points ago

[–]taironias 121 points122 points ago

Oh, how I've longed to stumble into you again.

[–]taironias 74 points75 points ago

I love you.

[–]WhyNotBarbershop 235 points236 points ago

[–]ChalkLetRain 74 points75 points ago

I just sent this to my girlfriend.

[–]IdGoGay4NPH 31 points32 points ago

Same here man same here.

[–]Xenc 282 points283 points ago

Me too. His girlfriend is great.

[–]Heelincal 40 points41 points ago

TIL two people on Reddit have girlfriends. Mind = Blown

[–]InABritishAccent 18 points19 points ago

Step 1. Acquire cool habits: breakdancing, white water rafting ect

Step 2. Find geeky lady

Step 3. Man the fuck up.

Step 4. Take geeky lady white water rafting, zorbing, anywhere apart from a damn movie and dinner

Step 5. Maybe you're compatible, maybe you aren't. You took a swing at least. Do this every week/month until you find one that's good.

[–]American_Assface 6 points7 points ago

You are a genius.

[–]NothingsShocking 10 points11 points ago

obamanotbad.jpg

[–]GoatSeas 11 points12 points ago

You fill reddit with a kind of magic.

[–]mmine1 6 points7 points ago

You are amazingly awesome. I love you.

[–]WMDistraction 4 points5 points ago

The ending was a nice surprise!

[–]OutsmartBullet 44 points45 points ago

Bless your soul, honeychild

[–]Nateh8sYou 7 points8 points ago

Oh screw you for making me happy.

[–]kyhadley 4 points5 points ago

I frissoned.

[–]ThatCoolBlackGuy 2 points3 points ago

that waas...beautiful

[–]JimmyNic 2 points3 points ago

That was amazing.

[–]RevGumby 45 points46 points ago

Yet sinbad and Dane cook are still alive :(

[–]SensibleMadness 41 points42 points ago

Checkmate, theists.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]SRS270 8 points9 points ago

We gotta be thankful that they made us laugh so hard for the time they were here.

[–]EnderBaggins 2 points3 points ago

it just makes me sad and sad.

[–]FlamingBagOfPoop 154 points155 points ago

In high school I worked as a grocery bagger, a coworker got fired because he was eating a donut for our bakery and couldn't produce a receipt. They didn't like him and were looking for a reason. Stealing is a good reason. So keep your receipt!

[–]UnderDogs 85 points86 points ago

Buy one eat two when they aren't looking.

[–]portablebiscuit 26 points27 points ago

I buy a danish and tell the cashier it's a plain donut. The white bag hides my lie.

[–]ZapActions-dower 12 points13 points ago

They tell you when you get the job to always have the receipt on your if you buy something in the store.

[–]lmcDoctor10 6 points7 points ago

Strangely enough, that exact scenario just happened to a coworker of mine yesterday.

[–]DrGnz0 14 points15 points ago

My friend got fired from stater bros. for taking a quarter out of the change machine.

[–]thehotcarl 4 points5 points ago

I don't want BPA all over my donut. http://www.ewg.org/bpa-in-store-receipts

[–]iamashark 453 points454 points ago

Mitch's follow up was pretty great too. When he envisioned a scenario that he had to prove that he had bought a donut:

"Hey man! Don't you even act like I didn't buy this donut! I have the receipt... damn ... I forgot it... at home... in the filing cabinet... under D... for donut.

[–]Jack_Dubious 51 points52 points ago

LOL the followup brings it all together. Much better joke with it.

[–]artradio 54 points55 points ago

Mitch all together

[–]necrodude 10 points11 points ago

I can listen to mitch all day. I randomly stick parts from his tapes in my playlists so I get pleasantly surprised.

[–]olearlearlear 2 points3 points ago

I have Mitch on my Ipod in the shuffle and it always makes me smile when I'm listening to my Ipod at work and Mitch pops up.....lol. The duck/Sunchips bit is my favorite.

[–]Ass4ssinX 126 points127 points ago

The "under D (pause) for donut." always gets me. It's perfect.

[–]analog_guy 118 points119 points ago

I have the documentation right here.

FTFY. Normally, I don't care much for pedantry. But with Mitch's jokes, word choice and delivery are often more important than the actual idea behind the joke. The way he says "documentation" alone is pretty funny.

[–]Logic007 19 points20 points ago

You're doing God's* work, son.

*Joe Pesci

[–]LegendReborn 8 points9 points ago

RIP Mitch, King of One Liners

[–]baccus83 7 points8 points ago

He was a great for sure, but Steven Wright is the king of one-liners.

[–]cr1t1cal 2 points3 points ago

For those interested: Mitch Hedberg - Donut

[–]Ihmhi 207 points208 points ago

I guess I'll be the first to say it, then...

I know Mitch Hedburg, but who's the second guy? I always love checking out stand up comics that I haven't seen before.

[–]StiggyPop 341 points342 points ago

Patrice O'Neal, can't recommend his stuff enough.

[–]DogmAttack 69 points70 points ago

Louis CK said Patrice O'Neal was his favorite living comic until he died. "A comedian's comedian."

[–]webhead311 63 points64 points ago

since Louis CK was a comedians comedian himself, does that make patrice O'nea- never mind this joke sucks...

[–]-Emerica- 44 points45 points ago

Another Mitch Hedberg joke.

"You know how they always test if something is durable by running it over with a steam roller? Then how do they know the steam roller is durable? Do they steam roll the- nevermind."

[–]MosEisleyCantona 6 points7 points ago

I wish I had a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist...

[–]CrackedPepper86 4 points5 points ago

Not a full joke, right there...

[–]Detry 6 points7 points ago

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

[–]mrm3x1can 3 points4 points ago

Although a little more Louis, this clip is still my favorite of them together.

[–]Ihmhi 47 points48 points ago

Ah! I've heard of him but I had no idea what he looked like. Now I know! I'll check him out, thanks a bunch! :D

[–]lbridgey[S] 111 points112 points ago

Nice! Here's the clip the quote is from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrBPmoIAyts

[–]A_Meat_Popsicle 32 points33 points ago

And here is his infectious laugh.

[–]thevergev2 3 points4 points ago

LOL, that was awesome.

[–]DirtPile 9 points10 points ago

Reminds of the clip of Tracy Jordan's stand-up on 30 Rock when he shows the difference of how white and black people dial a telephone.

[–]8Cowboy 15 points16 points ago

Except Patrice's act was funny.

[–]stryder3323 6 points7 points ago

Well, the 30 rock bit was intended to be more... "ironic"? Making fun of some people's comedy.

[–]StiggyPop 12 points13 points ago

If you check out his standup and like it, take a look at the Black Phillip Show it was a show he did sporadically on Sirius/XM. Mostly him and a few people discussing women, and women/men issues. Doesn't sound particularly groundbreaking but his philosophy, like it or hate it, is at the least interesting and crazy entertaining. There are downloads of the shows floating around the torrent sites.

edit: looks like some's on youtube. I listen to it at work sometimes and have laughed at my monitor more than once.

[–]Itsdoodoobaby 2 points3 points ago

Probably pictured a skinny Irish girl when you saw his name.

[–]The_Adventurist 64 points65 points ago

Patrice O'Neal was my favorite working comic, now I guess I'm settling for Louis CK or Dave Chappelle (whenever he actually does something these days). Patrice was really smart and really funny and his style was to present an idea that would utterly shock and horrify the audience and then work it back so they saw the reasoning in it. He was amazing like that.

[–]Pool_Shark 28 points29 points ago

He was the reason Tough Crowd with Colin Quinn was a great show. Too bad I was the only one that watched it and it got canceled.

[–]KallistiEngel 11 points12 points ago

Hey, I watched that show religiously when it was on the air. He had some other good comics on there too. Greg Giraldo was a regular, same with Lenny Clarke. Nick DiPaulo had a few good moments on the show too.

I remember he even had George Carlin as a guest in one episode.

[–]DogmAttack 4 points5 points ago

I feel like half the regular guests of that show are dead. Patrice and Greg.

[–]Warpaw 4 points5 points ago

Not the only one, man. I loved that show. Actually went to the tapings a couple times. I'd met all the regulars, except Patrice. Sucks that I'll never get the chance to now.

[–]wabbajackoff 3 points4 points ago

Tough crowd. AMIRITE?!

[–]Psych091 8 points9 points ago

Louie CK and Dave Chappelle are far from settling. They're two of my favorites, dead or alive (mitch hedberg is another one actually). Admittedly, I haven't listened to patrice though. I may do that today.

[–]ruining_ur_worldview 16 points17 points ago

Nothing cracks me up more than his black on white racism.
"You know you're wife is upstairs waiting for me warming up my bed, right? Phhhhilippe".

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago

Do yourself a huge favor and go watch Doug Stanhope's No Refunds dvd.

If you don't almost die laughing I don't we can't be friends.

[–]cumfarts 10 points11 points ago

he's patrice o'neal and he's dead

[–]SephirothRebirth 2 points3 points ago

Lonny aka the Seamonster.

[–]LusciousDanielle 152 points153 points ago

both of these men are dead, yes?

[–]life_is_okay 129 points130 points ago

Sadly, yes.

[–]toThe9thPower 84 points85 points ago

god damn diabeetus and hardcore drugs

[–]ProjectD13X 49 points50 points ago

I take it the drugs got Mitch?

[–]toThe9thPower 40 points41 points ago

Yes, a mixture of cocaine and heroin.

[–]ProjectD13X 88 points89 points ago

He used to do drugs :(

[–]RUPTURED_ASSHOLE 117 points118 points ago

He still does, but he us--

Nevermind.

[–]tharizzle 19 points20 points ago

:'(

[–]IbidtheWriter 7 points8 points ago

Not anymore :(

[–]clerveu 10 points11 points ago

[–]candy_porn 5 points6 points ago

Dammit man... :/

[–]RizzoFromDigg 35 points36 points ago

Correct.

Heroin overdoes and obesity, respectively.

[–]Golden-Calf 160 points161 points ago

He died of a stroke, obesity is a risk factor not a cause of death.

[–]RizzoFromDigg 49 points50 points ago

Yes, I realize that it's not technically the cause of death. But really. He ate his fat ass to death and we all miss him terribly as a result.

[–][deleted] 205 points206 points ago

Shouldn't have been buying himself a donut every half an hour, I guess.

[–]Islandre 24 points25 points ago

That's how they get you.

[–]OppisIsRight 5 points6 points ago

Oh Snap
Crackle & Pop Rice Krispies treats is what really did him in.

[–]Moklok 17 points18 points ago

His wife/gf actually was on OnA last December(I think?) and discussed this. In his later years, Patrice was actually very careful about what he ate. I believe she said they were both vegans at one point.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oLDUbazbXo4&t=25m40s

Heres the part where she discusses this issue, but I suggest listening to the ENTIRE clip. Its great.

[–]RizzoFromDigg 4 points5 points ago

Good clip. That's sad.

Although the interesting thing about this is nobody is pissed that I said Mitch killed himself with Heroin, which is as bad or worse, arguably. They both made really horrible decisions and may or may not have attempted to reverse course before it was too late, but it was.

[–]demon_ix 116 points117 points ago

There was a story on reddit a while ago about a guy who spent a few years in prison for kidnapping, raping and abusing his ex-wife while he was in town to visit their son. If he hadn't been filmed by the security cameras of the bank he went into and if the dude at the bagel shop he went to, he'd probably still be locked up.

Turns out the ex-wife made the whole thing up to get full custody of the kid, and went as far as abusing herself with a coat hanger to make him seem guilty. If it wasn't for a detective who actually went through his schedule during that day and figured out the times don't match, she would have succeeded too.

The guy finished the article by saying that he always tried to get photographed by security cameras since being released, because he's afraid to not have an alibi. He says the time he feels least secure is when he's alone at home, because no one can corroborate where he's been for that time.

Edit - Found it. Story. It was an ex-gf, not wife.

Edit 2 - After re-reading it, turns out it was a few weeks in jail, not years in prison. My bad.

[–]MJGSimple 48 points49 points ago

Edit 2 - After re-reading it, turns out it was a few weeks in jail, not years in prison. My bad.

Still pretty fucked up.

[–]demon_ix 28 points29 points ago

After getting to the end, they give you a number. 83 days in a solitary cell.

I'm surprised he came out sane.

[–]YaoSlap 3 points4 points ago

I don't think constantly worrying about having an alibi is included in sanity.

[–]demon_ix 24 points25 points ago

If you were walking down the street, and out of nowhere you were hit by a baseball bat to the face as you turned a corner, I guarantee you that for a while after that, you would be wary of street corners.

That's not insanity, just trauma.

[–]Midiex 71 points72 points ago

R.I.P. guys. You were both hilarious.

Mitch was just high.

[–]bdsisme 106 points107 points ago

"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."

[–]DrPhilly 61 points62 points ago

He doesn't anymore.

[–]bdsisme 47 points48 points ago

We've got a Debbie Downer over here.

[–]cattac 48 points49 points ago

Just don't mix it with a Debbie Upper.

[–]ctalati32 25 points26 points ago

I worked one of his shows at Georgia Tech and had to pick him up from the airport. His on stage appearance was an act. He wasn't high or out of it at all on the drive from the airport to campus, but when he got on stage it was his normal "high" persona

[–]Midiex 21 points22 points ago

That's very interesting, because I worked with student services at UGA and one of my friends worked his show when he played for the school. Allegedly he was 45 minutes late, and when his limo pulled up he opened the door, vomited, and walked up to the stage and started telling jokes.

They said he was fine on stage, but it sounded like an interesting start to the night.

[–]charliedayman 15 points16 points ago

That sounds more like coping with stage fright or the flu. I don't know what drugs would make you puke without also almost killing you.

[–]Midiex 6 points7 points ago

Opiates, maybe...

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Fleabert 5 points6 points ago

Alcohol.

[–]DadOfWhiteJesus 5 points6 points ago

Alcohol, Mushrooms, Mescaline

[–]tharizzle 4 points5 points ago

Heroin tends to have that effect on people...

[–]CatamenialPneumoThrx 2 points3 points ago

HEROIN, some regular users learn to enjoy the vomiting that comes with use, because its associated so closely with the high

[–]grantswishes 2 points3 points ago

Dope made me puke when I would snort it on an empty stomach. I never got a receipt for my dope either.

[–]ZachGates 15 points16 points ago

Considering he died of a drug overdose I'm a little skeptical here. I'm thinking you just caught him in a rare moment of sobriety.

[–]ghostofomarlittle 4 points5 points ago

Maybe he got high or drunk before the show? I recall reading that he was very nervous and had stage fright

[–]multile 39 points40 points ago

Interesting fact, most places give receipts to make sure that their cashiers actually record the transactions in the computer instead of pocketing the money. That's why it's free if you don't receive a receipt, that way you are the one actually enforcing this policy.

Of course they would only get away with pocketing the money if you pay the exact amount. Otherwise they would have to give you change and throw off their whole till.

[–]disimcity 23 points24 points ago

I heard a story once from a friend who worked at a pool. Any time someone paid exact change, they were told to enter it in as a 'membership' entry (thus explaining no money going into the till) and then put the money in a freezer in their office. I'm not sure what came of the money, but I think someone was fired in the end.

[–]multile 3 points4 points ago

haha, yea sounds like they were stealing it.

[–]rrakoczy 4 points5 points ago

Exactly. The receipt is not to prove that you bought a donut, it's to show the employee actually sold the donut.

[–]terqui 8 points9 points ago

Lets just say that, based on past experience, it doesnt matter if exact change is giving or not. It all depends on how the scheme is being run.

[–]samtheredditman 2 points3 points ago

^ Been there, done that. This man is right.

[–]ngtstkr 14 points15 points ago

Tim Horton's doesn't give receipts. Fuck.

[–]The_Adventurist 42 points43 points ago

Then it's a good thing murders don't happen in Canada.

[–]tubehaiku 13 points14 points ago

I work at Tim Hortons. All you have to do is ask for one.

[–]Amerikai 29 points30 points ago

Patrice o Neal is a legend

[–]deathschool 18 points19 points ago

Some may argue that for Mitch as well.

[–]darwin_wins 36 points37 points ago

No one is arguing that. Mitch is a legend.

[–]ill_take_two 603 points604 points ago

Got a couple of tips to help you guys stay out of jail. One: try your hardest to not be Black or Hispanic.

[–]Oheina 235 points236 points ago

That's like, Staying Out Of Jail 101.

[–]IMasturbateToMyself 127 points128 points ago

Staying out of Jail 102: Don't get caught.

[–]chris3110 17 points18 points ago

Or if you get caught at least don't be poor.

[–]vcity 57 points58 points ago

This implies that you have to do something wrong in order to be jailed.

[–]ThereIsAThingForThat 74 points75 points ago

Well, if you aren't Black or Hispanic, you pretty much DO need to do something wrong.

[–]MuseofRose 41 points42 points ago

If that's the case, just say "I didnt know I couldnt do that!" and usually it's a slap on the wrist.

[–]Sekre 26 points27 points ago

"Sorry officer, I... Didn't know I could do that."

[–]deluxfux 7 points8 points ago

"Hahaha... that was good huh?.. cuz I did know I couldn't do that!"

[–]rabidsi 6 points7 points ago

He meant don't be caught being black or hispanic, obvs...

[–]NotYourTeddy 4 points5 points ago

Staying out of jail 103: Remove the witnesses

[–]blackeagle613 16 points17 points ago

Read that in Sterling Archer's voice for some reason.

[–]Flexo_ 33 points34 points ago

And in today's society, don't forget not being brown. Cause I'm damn sure I'll never forget.

[–]2isgood 52 points53 points ago

That's more like Staying Out of Guantanamo 101

[–]Damasticator 15 points16 points ago

No, that's How to Avoid Getting Pulled Into a Black Van in the Months Following 9/11.

[–]Sinjako 13 points14 points ago

Haha, months, how cute.

[–]dontneedyourkarma 16 points17 points ago

I forgot what this is from...

[–]JasonEay 46 points47 points ago

The Other Guys

[–]dontneedyourkarma 15 points16 points ago

Thank you good sir, now I can move on with my day.

[–]Newshoe 7 points8 points ago

As long as you do not move on with your day in a red Prius, you should have a good day.

[–]JasonEay 6 points7 points ago

I know you don't need my karma, but have an upvote anyway.

[–][deleted] 6 points7 points ago

Alright so I completely failed at that, you got anything else.

[–]SAugsburger 18 points19 points ago

Try not to be a man either. If you get caught the punishment tends to be stiffer for men and more likely to include jail time than a suspended sentence or some other minor punishment.

[–]DragonRaptor 24 points25 points ago

Don't forget poor, rich people have much shorter sentences then poor people get.

[–]Yaheee 13 points14 points ago

RIP Mitch. Best joke of all time is the escalator.

[–]MJGSimple 7 points8 points ago

What about, "I saw this whino, he was eating grapes. It's like, 'Dude! You have to wait!' "

Or

"If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament."

Or

"I got a king size bed. I don't know any kings but if one came over, I guess he would be comfortable. Oh! You're a king you say, well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It is to your exact specifications! I did not know you guys were all the same size. I think I can set your lady up, too! ... When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed wondering where my brother was."

Christ, I was looking for the joke that is like, "The dog is forever in the push up position." Trying to get the wording right and I came across so many gems. You really have to get his CD's to get the full experience. All of his jokes are classic.

EDIT: Can't have typos in Mitch Hedberg jokes.

[–][deleted] 10 points11 points ago

One of my personal favorites:

"I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late."

[–]Revolutionary2012 12 points13 points ago

[–]Peace_139 14 points15 points ago

It's like the dead people are talking to each other O_O.

[–]The_Adventurist 21 points22 points ago

We should get Carlin's take on it, too, make it a group conversation.

[–]darwin_wins 21 points22 points ago

George would just say "Fuck that shit, I am just eating the donut. Dont bother me"

[–]weirdal1968 2 points3 points ago

Read that in Carlin's voice except replaced "Don't bother me" with "Go fuck yourself".

[–]abravefight 16 points17 points ago

The whole thing Patrice does is a lot better. He talks about how he just won't throw away a pop can unless he knows it's in the garbage. All because If some pretty white girl gets killed, and he was a litter bug who didn't dispose of his can properly, suddenly there's DNA evidence that a 6'4" black man was RIGHT NEXT TO HER when she died. BAM. Instant Jail.

[–]Seref15 2 points3 points ago

I'm actually listening to Patrice on O&A recordings right now. Funny motherfucker.

[–]SuperShake66652 4 points5 points ago

RIP Mitch and Patrice.

Great comedians taken far sooner than they should have been.

[–]yeeerrrp 3 points4 points ago

RIP

[–]sthsthsth 5 points6 points ago

Sadly, the reason behind Patrice's paranoia if you want to call it that, is based off an awful incident that happened to him as a teenager. It ended with him being accused of rape and spending time in prison for it. He told the story on Opie and Anthony a few years ago and he was so broken up when he talked about it.

[–]noccusJohnstein 9 points10 points ago

Mitch Hedberd wasn't black, and thus, would never need an alibi.

[–]SKREAM 7 points8 points ago

Famous and white, that was his alibi.

[–]a_used_name 8 points9 points ago

Haha I guess Mitch never imagined a scenario that he killed someone

[–]this_sort_of_thing 62 points63 points ago

I'm guessing a black man in the United States doesn't have to kill someone to kill someone

[–]xoMarionSilverxo 5 points6 points ago

It's exactly that sort of thing.

[–]xstr8edgeveganx 2 points3 points ago

2 of the greatest comics, unfortunately departed.

[–]iLuVtiffany 5 points6 points ago

Well Patrice is black so an alibi would come in handy.

[–]jimii 4 points5 points ago

So would some vitiligo.

[–]AlphaRedditor 14 points15 points ago

The best comedy makes you laugh about something that would normally make you cry.

[–]cal679 53 points54 points ago

Who cries about buying a donut?

[–]walrod 51 points52 points ago

Goatse trauma victims?

[–]Shaysdays 13 points14 points ago

People who are allergic to wheat?

[–]SeisGurl9 7 points8 points ago

People who are cheating on their diets and feel bad for being fat?

[–]Reesch 2 points3 points ago

A lot of people, apparently...

[–]latecraigy 7 points8 points ago

Anorexics?

[–]Poop_Smoothie 8 points9 points ago

I cry evertim

[–]Szos 1 point2 points ago

Two of the best, and both gone way the hell too early.

[–]poktanju 3 points4 points ago

I thought you said "gone to hell too early" and I thought that wasn't very nice.

[–]joeslo 1 point2 points ago

R.I.P. Patrice

[–]FreeUpVotesForYou 1 point2 points ago

"Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut! I got the documentation right here...oh, wait it's at home...in the file...under "D", for "doughnut."

[–]Stevoh 1 point2 points ago

What if you but a doughnut, then several hours later you become deathly ill. You find out the doughnut shop purposely poisoned the doughnuts and a few customers even died.

Now you need proof you bought a doughnut.

[–]err4nt 1 point2 points ago

What I love about comedy is that they are both right, and both funny. All comedy is making light of human suffering in one way or another - receipts or the lack of receipts can cause suffering in different ways depending on your lifestyle :)

[–]moviedude26 1 point2 points ago

Good call Patrice. Good call.

[–]BadIdeaSociety 1 point2 points ago

Love Patrice. Only sort of like Mitch.

I feel like Patrice's takes on 2000-2011 politics and social issues will be viewed much better than Mitch's funny, but ultimately simple observational commentary.

I hope that we don't have to bury any more quality comedians in the near future. Doug Stanhope... Louis CK.... stay healthy, guys.

[–]John_Barleycorn 1 point2 points ago

Back in 2006 when the Duke Lacrosse players were accused of raping those two strippers, one of the key pieces of evidence that exonerated them was an ATM receipt from an ATM across town. There was no way that one of the players could simultaneously be raping the stripper and withdrawing cash to pay her with at the same time.

ETA: Source

[–]blinkdmb 1 point2 points ago

RIP Patrice

[–]supersonicsongbird 1 point2 points ago

In Italy we have a huge problem with tax evasion - I make sure I ALWAYS get a receipt for anything I buy, even a coffee. Every receipt not given is more money that doesn't go to the government, and it's one more step towards even higher taxes for the honest.

[–]Sepelius 1 point2 points ago

Patrice called me an asshole when I was on webjunk... it was a thing we did. R.I.P. both guys.

[–]MorganFreemansPenis 1 point2 points ago

From an accounting perspective. If you dont get a receipt, the cashier could just pocket the money and there would be no proof that a donut was ever bought.

[–]CaptainColeslaw 1 point2 points ago

Meh

[–]durant0s 1 point2 points ago

Gotta love Mitch!

[–]Situationalist 1 point2 points ago

I have always wondered.. Who actually sits down and takes the time to make these types of images?