Perhaps I was unclear.

The tack I take with friends is to make them uncomfortable in their beliefs, not always aggressively, just with assertive debate. They need to think to themselves, "Christ, he's right. It is ridiculous," or, "I can't answer that. There is no good answer to that." You don't get them to think these things with silence.

I agree with this entirely. Silence is useless, and opening the door to discussions about religion in an assertive manner is key.

My point was simply that in the context of these discussions and debates, the most important thing to do is to remain calm. Far too many atheists get frustrated and emotional when they talk about religion with religious people. They get angry and call people stupid, and raise their voice, etc. etc. etc.

From a communications standpoint, it's near impossible to change anybody's mind once that starts happening. For one, attacking them as people is immediately going to get them into a defensive position where they are unlikely to change their mind about anything. Second, it often leaves them with no ability to save face -- they have to either stand their ground, or admit that they're stupid. Third, it becomes intuitively obvious to them that this atheist they're talking to needs them to change their minds in order to validate himself, which turns them off to anything the atheist says. In other words, the emotional neediness makes the atheist seem unsure of himself. Lastly, it gives them an easy rationalization for any negative stereotypes about atheists: they make emotional decisions not logical ones, they're angry, etc. etc.

In my experience, the best way to deal with people is just to explain my position and reasoning. I explain why I think the religious beliefs I was raised to hold are absurd, why faith is incompatible with a rational and scientific mindset, why belief in Jesus and non-belief in other gods is special pleading, and why I think it's lying when people teach children about these things as if they're certain of them. I do it all without attacking the person, telling the person his beliefs are ridiculous, or even asking about his beliefs. The story alone makes him feel like his beliefs are insane.

Then, I stop. I stop talking entirely. Now he's the one who's uncomfortable. I've turned the tables -- instead of trying to convince him that he's wrong, he wants to convince me that I'm wrong. He can continue questioning, and I can continue calmly making sense. He can tell me about his beliefs and I can explain why I see things very differently without making it about his intelligence.

Assertiveness is great. It's just that the emotional escalation I see from atheists in the real world and all over the internet isn't. I'll also note that the successful atheist debaters (Harris, Dillahunty, etc.) are very good at this.