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top 200 commentsshow all 388

[–]BryanWake 387 points388 points ago

How do you get a woman's heart filled with lust? A wobbly wiener with Tinker Bell dust.

[–]astrograph 164 points165 points ago

[–]oscaron 95 points96 points ago

No teeth! No teeth!

[–]DoorMarkedPirate 125 points126 points ago

I'm gonna make it so dry for you!

[–]Tripsi 25 points26 points ago

Like the Sahara Desert?

[–]foofaw 12 points13 points ago

Like the Gobi

[–]implicate 28 points29 points ago

That is the opposite of what is good.

[–]iScreme 1 point2 points ago

Dat sandy tongue feeling.

[–]LettersFromTheSky 3 points4 points ago

I love sandpaper ;)

[–]YourHairyDoctor 15 points16 points ago

I'll make it feel like sand paper

[–]DoorMarkedPirate 13 points14 points ago

Guys love it when it's like a desert in your mouth.

[–]DexRogue 3 points4 points ago

for the life of me I can't remember what this is from but I laughed, upvote for you!

[–]kadargo 1 point2 points ago

Erin!

[–]acidvolt 7 points8 points ago

You're soo kinky!

[–]so_carelessly_here 36 points37 points ago

How do you get to a woman's heart?

Did you ever give it a thought?

A Reddit poem might work,

Or it might not.

[–]titan413 40 points41 points ago

Well, a limerick just might hit the spot
To get her all bothered and hot
Drop this rhyme for a chance
To get into her pants
Full disclosure, it might get you naught.

[–]Cabooseman 29 points30 points ago

I read that in Karl kassel's voice. Nice.

[–]profesorfrink42 19 points20 points ago

Roses are red Violets are blue If you're in the mood I will fuck you.

[–]ladybcancer 10 points11 points ago

Roses are red, Rotting flesh is green. If the dead start to rise, You're on my team.

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points ago

Violets are blue;
Roses are red.
Cool story, bro,
But you're not getting head.

[–]kingoftown 28 points29 points ago

Roses are red.

Sometimes they are other colors too.

They die when you cut them off.

Refrigerator.

[–]LetsKillTime 14 points15 points ago

Roses are red Violets are blue We're having sex tonight 'Cause I'm stronger than you.

[–]johnylaw 16 points17 points ago

How do you get to a woman's heart?

I try going through her vagina.

[–]tris10335 24 points25 points ago

The way to a woman's heart is her parents. Have sex with them and your in. -Zap Brannigan

[–]rastashark 2 points3 points ago

That's beautiful-- what poem is that from? Is that Joyce?

[–]arsmith222 21 points22 points ago

You flibbity the dibbity-doobity?

[–]Chellger 99 points100 points ago

Brilliant! Does it work if you are NOT Bill Cosby?

[–]mechman991[S] 160 points161 points ago

Well, I'm not Bill Cosby, and it doesn't work. :(

[–]Chellger 48 points49 points ago

I guess it would work if you were Bill Murray. Everything works, if you are Bill Murray.

[–]fxpstclvrst 46 points47 points ago

I wonder if the Bill name is the key here. Let's see... Bill Clinton? Yeah, probably would work.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]flashdim 21 points22 points ago

Bill S. Preston, Esq.

[–]krazyhand 24 points25 points ago

and Theodore Logan, Spock, The Rock, Doc Oc and Hulk Hogan

[–]TheDreadGazeebo 19 points20 points ago

All came out of nowhere lightning fast, and they kicked Chuck Norris in his cowboy ass..

[–]ratchet1106 9 points10 points ago

It was the bloodiest battle the world ever saw, with civilians looking on in total awe.

[–]Wrathblade 2 points3 points ago

The fight raged on for a century. Many lives were claimed, but eventually

The champion stood; the rest saw their better: Mr Rogers in a bloodstained sweater.

[–]mighty_panders 17 points18 points ago

Bill O'Reilly?

[–]fxpstclvrst 27 points28 points ago

Ooh. Combo breaker.

[–]NyQuil012 1 point2 points ago

[–]benm314 1 point2 points ago

Uses falafel.

[–]GeneralWarts 14 points15 points ago

Bill Lumbergh

[–]fxpstclvrst 18 points19 points ago

Yeah, I'm going to need you to come to bed on Saturday.

[–]cfaz23 11 points12 points ago

See, we're using the new covers for all our coitus now... did you see the memo?

[–]thejerg 2 points3 points ago

You slept with LUMBERGH?!?!

[–]Testsubject28 1 point2 points ago

Try Bill Hicks.

[–]mechman991[S] 4 points5 points ago

"She may not be a butcher ...
but she knows how to handle some meat!"

[–]ohnoiamaseed 1 point2 points ago

[–]JoshSN 2 points3 points ago

I think it doesn't work for lots of reasons, and not being Bill Cosby isn't even in the top 3.

[–]Taylor--Swift 1 point2 points ago

Does anything work if you're not Bill Cosby? The answer is no.

[–]walgman 177 points178 points ago

I wank off in the shower before bed then hope she's not interested.

[–]so_carelessly_here 220 points221 points ago

Well, isn't that depressing

[–]Unrepentant_Asshole 125 points126 points ago

Report back when you've been married 10 years and have kids. This is reality.

[–]TreeFltty 78 points79 points ago

Have a 3 year old and been married longer and still have crazy sex just about everyday with my wife. Never gets old to me.

[–]if_it_moves_kiss_it 10 points11 points ago

Needs a gif

[–]l0phty 11 points12 points ago

[–]UnoTaco 4 points5 points ago

I know! I'm at work otherwise I'd make one from the vid.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

This is your boss, you're fired. Now you'll have all the time in the world to make that gif.

[–]UnoTaco 4 points5 points ago

Yeah, unfortunately it'd take damn near an act of congress to fire me. So, nope.

Edit: I'm not the President.

[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

Congress met and have decided to fire you.

[–]CeruleanOak 1 point2 points ago

Notice he didn't say it was good sex.

[–]cumfarts 12 points13 points ago

Me neither

[–]Arandanos 18 points19 points ago

thanks, cumfarts

[–]fishy007 8 points9 points ago

You're 29 (almost 30?) and have been married over 10 years?

[–]ProbablyNotJohnSaxon 1 point2 points ago

Interestingly, I've found over the years that the earlier a couple got married, the more likely they are to conform to the stereotype of a sexually dysfunctional married couple.

[–]latticusnon 5 points6 points ago

You have sex every day. Everyday is an adjective meaning commonplace or ordinary.

[–]pegbiter 4 points5 points ago

I have everyday sex every day. :-(

[–]Insignificant_Being 1 point2 points ago

You're living the dream, man..

[–]Vaypo 1 point2 points ago

[–]so_carelessly_here 3 points4 points ago

Well, isn't that depressing

I'm quoting myself. God. I just thought it fit again.

[–]walgman 15 points16 points ago

Only when she's interested then I use the headache excuse.

[–]germiphene 5 points6 points ago

That works?? I've made the mistake of saying "Any time Any place." Because..... well any time any place, as long as he hasn't run the five minute mile in the last 6 hours. He's gotta recuperate!

[–]ivosaurus 1 point2 points ago

Fortunately, sex is really good for clearing headaches! The endorphin release works wonders at stopping the pain. You should try it sometime! :)

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]so_carelessly_here 6 points7 points ago

And then he gets into bed next to her and sniffs her hair while silently crying, whispering to himself, "I just can't anymore"

[–]DarkSideOfTheMind 1 point2 points ago

Well that escalated quickly.

[–][deleted] 7 points8 points ago

I would think you're my boyfriend, but he uses a trash can because he doesn't shower.

[–]zip_000 21 points22 points ago

Jerking it into a trashcan just feels wrong.

[–]FredDorfman 12 points13 points ago

Anyone ever tell you: you know how to pick em!

[–]CosmicBard 1 point2 points ago

I wank off next to her in bed.

I call them 'guiltfaps'.

[–]walgman 1 point2 points ago

She snores. I wank.

[–]DrinkinMcGee 30 points31 points ago

Wow, a Leonard VI reference. Didn't expect that when I woke up this morning.

Still love the Porsche Tank.

[–]TheSemiTallest 71 points72 points ago

Maybe you should try showing her your penis instead of a hot dog....

[–]mechman991[S] 160 points161 points ago

The hotdog is much more appealing, trust me.

[–]rube 21 points22 points ago

That was my thought when I watched the gif... the last thing that would get a woman in the mood is the sight of a penis.

But a hotdog might do it.

[–]TheSemiTallest 18 points19 points ago

Well that certainly explains a lot; including the restraining order.

[–]lepasse 45 points46 points ago

Am I the only woman around here who finds penises to be visually stimulating/enticing?

[–]fxpstclvrst 146 points147 points ago

Oh, absolutely. The rest of us are a monolith of prudery with visions of Ken dolls dancing in our heads before our wedding nights.

[–]lepasse 30 points31 points ago

But seriously! I just don't understand this idea that penises are unattractive or unappealing to look at. I LOVE PENISES!

[–]joeldixon66 126 points127 points ago

You must really enjoy Omegle

[–]seshna 8 points9 points ago

wow! such conviction! i wish i felt that strongly about anything.

just curious, how do you feel about this tree?

[–]masters1125 30 points31 points ago

As a penis-bearer, I get it. There's a reason it's called the ugly organ.

[–]GenuinelyCrooked 18 points19 points ago

Who calls it that? I've seen many very pretty penises. But guys get upset if you call them pretty. :(

[–]ChaoticAgenda 36 points37 points ago

Follow up with "...and I'd like to put it in my mouth" and you can call it most anything you want.

...except synonyms for small. That won't go over well.

[–]GenuinelyCrooked 3 points4 points ago

Even when I do, they still seem to think pretty is "unmanly."

[–]chuckquizmo 15 points16 points ago

Date less homophobic guys? As a male, if anyone calls me any synonym for "attractive" (including pretty, beautiful, and gorgeous), I just take it as a genuine compliment and move on with my life. They are just trying to be nice, not trying to say you're dressed like a girl or something.

[–]ivosaurus 1 point2 points ago

Maybe tell them it's handsome.

[–]nermid 1 point2 points ago

Anything that makes a woman want to put my penis in her mouth is manly enough.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago

"That asymmetrical hairy mole is so beautiful, and I'd like to put it in my mouth."

[–]YourWinter87 10 points11 points ago

I told my boyfriend his dick was Photogenic and he was proud of himself.

[–]I_Am_Vladimir_Putin 3 points4 points ago

Wtf. Nothing feels better than getting a compliment on your penis.

[–]NyQuil012 1 point2 points ago

Well, how would you like it if I called your vagina "handsome?"

[–]GenuinelyCrooked 1 point2 points ago

I'd tell you to stop looking up my skirt before I called the police.

[–]CeruleanOak 1 point2 points ago

"Who's got a pretty penis? You do!"

[–]Aitioma 3 points4 points ago

I'm a man and I love my penis, too!

[–]cbanana 9 points10 points ago

Personally I think both penises and vulvas are fairly unattractive. They're not supposed to be visually enticing, that's what faces, muscles, and boobs are for. Genitalia primarily look they way they do for function, not to be visually appealing. I like cock as much as the next straight lady, but I prefer it inside me than looking at it.

[–]lepasse 3 points4 points ago

Who decides what's "supposed" to be visually enticing?

[–]cbanana 1 point2 points ago

Evolution. There's plenty of evidence that faces and body shape influence sexual attraction, none at all that the appearance of genitalia does.

[–]fxpstclvrst 1 point2 points ago

Yeah, I like 'em! I think one is more likely to appreciate their aesthetics if you have had good experiences with them.

[–]zen_monkey 9 points10 points ago

Hey guys! Check out HER! She likes Penises!

[–]HolyPhallus 16 points17 points ago

I haven't met many women that find a rock hard penis that visually stimulating, at least not in comparison with anything ranging from underarms to biceps to pecks to shoulders to jawline... BUT! I've noticed a very large amount of women get very turned on and fascinated if you masturbate in front of them or at least so they can see you do it.

[–]i_am_really_tall 29 points30 points ago

Not when I do it at the bus stop...

[–]TheCommentAppraiser 10 points11 points ago

[–]CommissarGray 4 points5 points ago

..Damn it.

[–]DirtyDenzel 1 point2 points ago

I couldn't resist. I- I..

It's..

Hmm.

[–]smartzie 2 points3 points ago

Relevant username.

[–]masters1125 2 points3 points ago

Did anybody else read that in John Goodman's voice?

[–]katielady125 1 point2 points ago

No you are not. I find them quite arousing and appealing in the right situation. Seeing my husband with an erect penis usually means it is erect because I am present and that is very enticing. However if the creepy flasher down the street shows me his... I'm pretty sure I won't care for it. ;) Personally I don't understand the appeal of a vagina. I think it's much more funny looking than a penis.

[–]UncleTogie 5 points6 points ago

I think it's much more funny looking than a penis.

Nope. For reference, have your husband do nekkid jumping-jacks. Guys win that contest hands-down.

[–]katielady125 5 points6 points ago

Hahaha okay, penis wins in the comedy division, but I find that just makes it more appealing. I think penises are cute. Kinda like pugs, kinda ugly, funny and wrinkly but you just can't help but pet them!

[–]UncleTogie 1 point2 points ago

Funny... I'm the same way with y'all's lady-bits. It's like a tiny lil' cave beggin' to be explored.

Safe to say that I'm an avid tongue-spelunker. Wife's delighted.

[–]angrywords 0 points1 point ago

Am I the only...

With 7 billion people on Earth, and half being women, of course you are the only one.

[–]Circuitfire 2 points3 points ago

Perhaps a Jello pudding pop?

[–]SomeRandomRedditor 6 points7 points ago

You obviously haven't been to /r/hotdogporn (NSFW), hotdogs can be sexy too.

[–]TheSemiTallest 15 points16 points ago

TIL SomeRandomRedditor and I have very different definitions of "sexy."

[–]SomeRandomRedditor 6 points7 points ago

Ah, you prefer other kinds of food for your sex, I get you, /r/bananaporn (NSFW)

[–]TheSemiTallest 9 points10 points ago

Now this is right up my alley!

[–]onipos 8 points9 points ago

Is hotdogporn right up your hallway?

[–]JaronK 1 point2 points ago

Evidently, those bananas are right up a lot of people's alleys.

[–]I_Am_Vladimir_Putin 3 points4 points ago

I also heard that r/baguettesinbutts exists.

[–]delightordelirium 1 point2 points ago

Wait, is this hot dog-porn or hot-dog porn?

[–]SomeRandomRedditor 4 points5 points ago

Hot-dog porn, meaning the tasty meat treat that comes in 8 packs.

For hot dogs in porn, /r/sexwithdogs (NSFW) is the Reddit you want.

[–]iMarmalade 42 points43 points ago

What movie is this? I thought I had seen all of Will Smith's movies.

[–]malmad 28 points29 points ago

Leonard Part 6. (I think)

[–]Circuitfire 11 points12 points ago

Will Smith needs to make Leonard Part 7. Just to screw with people looking for parts 1-5 again.

[–]OliveTheory 12 points13 points ago

Yeah, that's it. Bill Cosby riding an ostrich, and scaring off lobsters with a half melted stick of butter. I remember seeing it as a kid.

[–]Testsubject28 2 points3 points ago

Quelish!!!!!!

[–]RichLather 10 points11 points ago

[–]djp1968 2 points3 points ago

If any of you haven't watched this movie, go get it. Now. It was a staple of my Bad Movie Festivals for quite some time. You haven't lived until you've seen Cos riding an ostrich while wearing a tutu. Am I remembering properly that the main villain in the movie is known as "The Heinous Woman"?

[–]titanicx 1 point2 points ago

I haven't thought about this movie since I was a kid, was funny back then, I'll have to let my kids watch it.

[–]YannisNeos 2 points3 points ago

I just saw that it has a 2.1/10 rating in IMDB. I thought it was hillarious when I was a kid. I think it would be a big mistake for me to watch it once more.

[–]titanicx 3 points4 points ago

I don't put much into the ratings for shows like that. If I like it, I like it, if not, then I don't. Many times what i like is opposite of what they say and what I don't like the same.

[–]Se7en_Sinner 25 points26 points ago

[–]fuckingcaptcha 15 points16 points ago

What is this doing in /r/pics?

[–]KnuttyD 5 points6 points ago

Had to double check that this wasn't /r/shittyreactiongifs

[–]floydwiley 5 points6 points ago

well you just convinced me to have sex with Bill Cosby when I wasn't in the mood, so you're making progress, I suppose.

[–]AlphaRedditor 10 points11 points ago

Have you tried dangling a pudding pop in front of her instead?

[–]cluelesspuma 20 points21 points ago

[–]Jmonkeh 7 points8 points ago

Well, I guess three only thing left to do is say QUELLISH!

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

I wish I could order Bill Cosby to sneak into peoples homes and do this in their bedrooms late at night

[–]insaneblane 16 points17 points ago

When did /r/pics turn into /r/reactiongifs?

[–]OrangePrototype 2 points3 points ago

The deleted scene in every fairytale movie.

[–]an_usual_man 2 points3 points ago

Haw-abaada soe beebly-bob A-WIENA bob scabbadiy bo HAOW!

[–]professorhazard 2 points3 points ago

Patiently waiting for the soon-to-be-declassified Leonard Part XXIII

[–]landline76 2 points3 points ago

I love that movie!!

[–]Claritin2 2 points3 points ago

This has gotta be from Leonard Part 6, the dumbest movie in the history of movies.

[–]ivebeenhereallsummer 1 point2 points ago

So it is possible for Ghost Dad to be funny. Or is that from Leonard Part VI?

[–]Ingrathis 1 point2 points ago

If you can get your hot dog to sparkle like that I'd imagine that you could laid pretty easily by just going to a rave

[–]chillax_bro_im_jk 1 point2 points ago

When is she ever not in the mood to fuck a black guy?

[–]elj0h0 1 point2 points ago

Not sure if Bill Cosby or Flavor Flav...

[–]DauwRauw 1 point2 points ago

With a Twilight penis?

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

If my boyfriend waved his cock at me like it, it would work.

[–]fitonkpo 2 points3 points ago

When my wife tells me she is not in the mood, I tell her I understand. Then I find somebody who is.

[–]voteddownward 6 points7 points ago

How about you do this instead... Tell your wife that you want to give her a massage. Give her the massage of her life. Kiss her on the back of her neck softly. Whisper in her ear how much you love her. When you are finished with the massage, tell her something sweet, for example: remind her of your first romantic date. Cuddle with her. Make her smile. Make her heart melt. Guaranteed sex.
Edit: of coarse it's downvoted! What was I thinking? Be romantic with your wife?!! NOT GUNNA HAPPEN!

[–]Gebby254 1 point2 points ago

60 percent of the time, it works every time.

[–]oli887 2 points3 points ago

/r/reactiongifs might love this one.

[–]Solonik 0 points1 point ago

someone reverse this please haha

[–]drunk_otter 0 points1 point ago

I do the same except with ham.

[–]ForgonMreemen 0 points1 point ago

Oh.. god.. cannot.. unsee.

[–]Forhavu 0 points1 point ago

Childhood destroyed. Thank you.

[–]Barb-Beardskii 0 points1 point ago

You're driving along, You're driving along-...WaitWat?

[–]dberis 0 points1 point ago

Your argument is limp.

[–]SomeRandomRedditor 0 points1 point ago

Sounds like the both of you would enjoy /r/hotdogporn (NSFW)

[–]adanvdo 0 points1 point ago

Im just laughing at the fact that he had to wear a glove to handle an uncooked hot dog.

[–]flamingflipflop 0 points1 point ago

first time seeing gif... WOW

[–]Sunny_ 0 points1 point ago

I'm going to remember this the next time my husband is trying to have sex with me. I know it. ._.

[–]64_hit_combo 0 points1 point ago

This goes with just about every song ever.

[–]MacIsGood 0 points1 point ago

These are getting creative.

[–]came_here_2_say 0 points1 point ago

I tried to scoop de boop in her shoopily doop but she flippity flapped and I got blue balls...

[–]flag_randall 0 points1 point ago

Is this from his movie where he rides on an Ostrich (that flies)?

[–]Flanken 0 points1 point ago

I know I get hard just watching that GIF.

[–]GandalfTheFunky 0 points1 point ago

Leonard 6 is never not applicable.

[–]Fogram 0 points1 point ago

this should be in r/creepy

[–]LaneKiffinsVisor 0 points1 point ago

98 percent of the time, works none of the time

[–]Flailwielder 0 points1 point ago

Not one of Will Smith's finer roles.

[–]NHB_Hipster 0 points1 point ago

Yup. Pretty much how I do it too.

[–]easye7 0 points1 point ago

You rip your flaccid dick off and wave it at her? Shit, and I've been wasting all this money buying them drinks.

[–]gmale9000 0 points1 point ago

That's one of the weirdest things I've ever seen.

[–]Highlighter9 0 points1 point ago

flabidity doobity boopity bobity.

Is that how goes? or is it more like

Zippity Zap Zoppity Zoop Zap Zoop Zibbity Zoop Zip Zop Zam Zoom

[–]Dannysmartful 0 points1 point ago

Is that Bill Cosby?

[–]MonkeyUranium 0 points1 point ago

leonard part 6, a classic

[–]konekoanni 0 points1 point ago

I think this is more likely to induce a fit of laughter than sexytimes.

[–]DRhexagon 0 points1 point ago

Give that bitch a Cosby, bitches love Cosby

[–]TryingToSucceed 0 points1 point ago