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top 200 commentsshow all 422

[–]throawawayaccnt 233 points234 points ago

"I swear, my penis is so small! Seriously guys! WHY DON'T YOU BELIEVE ME?"

[–]unclear_plowerpants 135 points136 points ago

I was in the pool!

[–]Overdue_bills 24 points25 points ago

It was shrinkage, SHRINKAGE!

[–]kdpha 15 points16 points ago

What, you mean like... clothing?

[–]slaya771 15 points16 points ago

I don't know how you guys walk around with those things...

[–]Schwinehund 6 points7 points ago

Proudly

[–]gradual_stroke 68 points69 points ago

"Oh you don't believe me, take a see for close and whilp doth ysleef glass!"

[–]GraduallyImpolite 62 points63 points ago

Whoah there my friend, your post seems to have quickly degenerated into gibberish. Perhaps your keyboard has experienced an unfortunate malfunction mid-post? OH MY! I see your username now, and I can only assume that you are currently experiencing a stroke! You need to get off reddit and get yourself to a motherfucking hospital you idiot! Good god man, what in the seven hells is wrong with you? What kind of socially inept fool continues to post to reddit in the midst of a stroke? You have only yourself, your poor lifestyle choices and your ugly, disease ridden body to blame for your problems, but godammit man I still love you. Don't you fucking dare die on me you bloated shit eating son of a whore!

[–]gradual_stroke 44 points45 points ago

So you're saying I have not look for olbital as him?

[–]Backupusername 35 points36 points ago

I predict this thread becoming gradually less entertaining...

Sure am enjoying it for now, though.

[–]ViolentSubtext 29 points30 points ago

That is one cutting reply you just posted, and it has the potential to snuff out all of the potential joy this thread could have created. Your words wound my soul, and alas, you bloody handed fool, you've crushed any chance at happiness we had.

[–]appropriate-username 7 points8 points ago

Now we just need mediumpace to get over here to finish this off.

[–]Quaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiid 7 points8 points ago

Open your mind

[–]x755x 8 points9 points ago

That wasn't very gradual.

[–]Untitledone 1 point2 points ago

Is dolan

[–]EmergencyMedical 3 points4 points ago

Guys, I think this man needs internet-medical attention. Is there anyone here with any internet medical-training?

[–]austin1414 1 point2 points ago

WHY WOULD YOUR USERNAME BE WHAT IT IS IF YOU AREN'T TRAINED IN EMERGENCY INTERNET-MEDICAL PRACTICES??

[–]EmergencyMedical 2 points3 points ago

I only have shitty REAL world medical training. What the fuck use is that?

[–]Euphorium 1 point2 points ago

I was in a pool!

[–]Berwickmex 1 point2 points ago

and it was cold that night!

[–]FourGrapeJustice 11 points12 points ago

LIAR! You're wiener is super big. I saw it when I spied on your through the stall crack.

[–]throawawayaccnt 4 points5 points ago

Dude, we promised each other Cabo would stay in Cabo.

[–]whereheis 48 points49 points ago

[–]SenorV 105 points106 points ago

[–]herebezombies 31 points32 points ago

this is one of the lowest blows ever invented

[–]MananWho 26 points27 points ago

Yeah, it's a pretty dick move.

[–]buster2Xk 4 points5 points ago

Far below the belt.

[–]ShenKiStrike 1 point2 points ago

Not that far

[–]xLuky 13 points14 points ago

My god, that is genius.

[–]Regulith 8 points9 points ago

Trying to figure out why I've already been to that page...

[–]brilliancy 4 points5 points ago

I believe was a TIL a while back.

[–]entbeard 14 points15 points ago

Does this work for drawings of Allah?

[–]DrunkenWizard 3 points4 points ago

Only if Allah is personally persecuting a libel suit.

[–]roflmycopters 49 points50 points ago

so...did he get off?

[–]Kensin 52 points53 points ago

No his story was a little too hard for the jury to swallow.

[–]danish_hole 34 points35 points ago

Penis.

[–]sheepyowl 16 points17 points ago

That escalated quickly.

[–]ajaxanon 3 points4 points ago

Personally, if I were a juror I'd bend over backwards to help this guy get off. I do hope they rectify the situation though because we don't want any old bum on the street getting the full treatment from the long arm of the law just willy nilly if you know what I mean.

[–]wlfbck 1 point2 points ago

Like a blind man at an orgy, they had to feel things out. (slightly modified ;) )

[–]Anovan 20 points21 points ago

Wooo Iowa

[–]lovespunstoomuch 9 points10 points ago

wooo

[–]xLuky 16 points17 points ago

you guys don't seem that excited...

[–]Locke57 5 points6 points ago

Getting excited over Iowa is like getting excited over vanilla ice cream.

Don't get me wrong, I like my vanilla, but its no goddamn mother fucking mint chip!

Ames, weekly checking in.

[–]bbordwell 1 point2 points ago

upvote for ames.

[–]sneakyninjapants 1 point2 points ago

Ames II, checking in.

[–]gdrocks 11 points12 points ago

...It's Iowa...

[–]I_Ovulate_Daily 138 points139 points ago

upvote for davenport :D

[–]kameelyan 26 points27 points ago

upvote for Whitey's ice cream, anyone?!

[–]raffytraffy 57 points58 points ago

bettendorf, checking in.

god, i hate this fucking town.

[–]I_Ovulate_Daily 51 points52 points ago

Bettendorf is nice though, it's like the rich part of the quad cities

[–]Desperately_Insecure 21 points22 points ago

I'm in the Bettendorf suburbs, and there's literally a cornfield a block away from my house.

Right next to a Mcdonalds.

Iowa, fuck yeah.

[–]foreseeablebananas 10 points11 points ago

I'm not sure which McDonalds you're talking about. I don't remember one being a cornfield being near any of them. Then again, I've been living in New York City these past two years. I should visit. I miss Whitey's.

[–]DeadCarlosSlim 7 points8 points ago

hes maybe talking about the one in Le Claire since he said Bettendorf suburbs

[–]foreseeablebananas 8 points9 points ago

I never realized anybody referred to Le Claire as a suburb of Bettendorf. I guess that sort of makes sense? Would PV count as a suburb of Bettendorf as well? I just think of Bettendorf as a giant suburb in of itself.

[–]cpuetz 4 points5 points ago

I just think of Bettendorf as a giant suburb in of itself.

I grew up in Waterloo, and that's sort of how I feel about all of Iowa's "cities"

[–]stintaneous 6 points7 points ago

They are building one right next to a corn field right now I believe. It's a random cornfield in Bettendorf near the ORA

[–]Desperately_Insecure 6 points7 points ago

It's actually in the process of being built.

We're moving on up here.

[–]wetmustard 2 points3 points ago

Oh yah, pumpkin ice cream from whitey's is the absolute best thing ever. This is coming from someone in Texas that only goes to the Quad Cities once a year to visit family and eat some delicious ice cream.

[–]jrhop364 2 points3 points ago

Whitey's: where a legion of white high schoolers give you delicious ice cream.

[–]foreseeablebananas 2 points3 points ago

The horrifying labor conditions make the ice cream taste so much sweeter

[–]pants428 1 point2 points ago

Sweetened by the tears of minimum wage laborers.

[–]larsbars 8 points9 points ago

Best McDonald's in the world is in Bettendorf

[–][deleted] 15 points16 points ago

I live in Moline haha...this is not that surprising

[–]Chrisattsu 4 points5 points ago

Lived off 53rd in Davenport when I was a kid, and I remember seeing cornfields out behind us. Just looked at Google and realized that they aren't there anymore.

[–]pants428 1 point2 points ago

But they built the Wal-Mart. And the ATT Call Center. Past that though is still fields.

[–]Chrisattsu 1 point2 points ago

TIL - Wacky Waters is closed in 2007. I loved going there.

[–]I_Ovulate_Daily 4 points5 points ago

My old house used to have a cornfield in it's back yard. As a child I would always hit golf balls into it. Then they plowed it all down and built houses. Childhood ruined.

[–]MobRule1997 1 point2 points ago

Dude, did they just put that McDonalds up? I might live near you.

[–]Desperately_Insecure 4 points5 points ago

Yeah, it's still being built, actually. It's the one close to all those artificial palm trees. This is a strange place.

[–]Muffinabus 1 point2 points ago

What's up with that place? It had a grand opening a few months go, saw bunches of cars in the lot for a while, now it's dead?

[–]Desperately_Insecure 1 point2 points ago

Yeah, it's probably the third restaurant to go under there. The rent's apparently ridiculously high, so the places that open there go under really quick.

[–]Muffinabus 1 point2 points ago

Ah, makes sense. Having only lived here a year now I haven't gotten the chance to witness all 3 iterations.

[–]giantrubberduckofdoo 1 point2 points ago

Umm...I live in Milan...there is a cornfield in the middle of town...

[–]SlugsOnToast 39 points40 points ago

the quad cities

In other words: Iowa.

[–]I_Ovulate_Daily 31 points32 points ago

Iowa, the nicest people you'll ever meet.

[–]FarmerTedd 12 points13 points ago

Just be ready for the cauliflower ears

[–]I_Ovulate_Daily 13 points14 points ago

Top reason I didn't do wrestling in high school

[–]FarmerTedd 6 points7 points ago

Glad to know it wasn't because you're a girl, y'all know some good moves

[–]I_Ovulate_Daily 2 points3 points ago

Sad thing is, I'm not a girl o_o

[–]FarmerTedd 3 points4 points ago

What's the inspiration behind the username then

[–]ljshea1 8 points9 points ago

No kidding! I just got back from a two week vacation down south and let me tell you- some of the ugliest, most rude, and straight up weird people live down there. Made me appreciate Iowa so much more. Everyone (compared to tennessee) is just beautiful and so nice

[–]Little_Fox 4 points5 points ago

Tennessee isn't that far south. Come to Louisiana if you want south. Louisiana: where people are either butt-fugly or gorgeous and I'm sad to say there's more of the former than the latter.

[–]x755x 8 points9 points ago

You ought to give Iowa a try.

[–]Wikkit 18 points19 points ago

Iowa, where on your trip to downtown, you travel through 3 cornfields and a bean field.

[–]I_Ovulate_Daily 13 points14 points ago

Mmmm, perhaps more north west from davenport. And no, we're not all farmers.

[–]Wikkit 13 points14 points ago

I live in Davenport, it's true

[–]Reiver79 14 points15 points ago

I live in Le Claire home of American Pickers, so I pass at least 5 corn fields on my way to town.

[–]Wikkit 5 points6 points ago

[–]monstrous_moose 6 points7 points ago

I live in Port Byron, right across the river!

[–]Jishkah 6 points7 points ago

I know you!

Oh my god, I know everyone in this thread!

[–]wolfmann 2 points3 points ago

actually, two of the cities are in Illinois: Rock Island and Moline.

[–]pants428 1 point2 points ago

Only 50% of the quad cities are in Iowa.

[–]WillieRob 17 points18 points ago

Rock Island here! Kicking it old school. Also yes, we suck even worse

[–]ienjoyedit 22 points23 points ago

Rock Island is the ghetto of the QC. And Moline. Maybe it's just Illinois...

[–]XMorbius 14 points15 points ago

The QC is the ghetto of The QC.

[–]river_night_lights 10 points11 points ago

I live in Moline and have only had two shootings this month. We are moving on up!

[–]punksnotbread 1 point2 points ago

One of the shootings was right across from where my band practices on 13th street... the dudes blood was in the parking lot until it rained!

[–]Muffinabus 1 point2 points ago

Having only lived here a year or so, I wondered what the hell was up with Rock Island. IS there a nice part of Rock Island or is it exactly what I've seen?

[–]comicsans2012 1 point2 points ago

Anything east of 17th street and north of Black Hawk Road.

[–]Not_a_communist 10 points11 points ago

Living here for the summer. Slowly dying of boredom.

[–]Hazzie666 5 points6 points ago

A Meet up is in order then!

[–]AwkSauce 2 points3 points ago

We wouldn't have anything to do. Except get drunk by the river.

[–]Muffinabus 1 point2 points ago

I must be slightly biased. I went to college in Mexico, MO, population 11k. I was ecstatic moving here where you have more than a McDonalds to choose from in restaurants.

[–]AwkSauce 1 point2 points ago

We actually have some really great local restaurants.

[–]piroko05 1 point2 points ago

But that is half...if not all the fun. Oh and there's a few casinos.

[–]Hazzie666 1 point2 points ago

Good enough for me!

[–]Hazzie666 1 point2 points ago

Laser tag at Incredible Pizza!

[–]giantrubberduckofdoo 1 point2 points ago

You could go to the Skybridge and take colorful photos of each other?

[–]WillieRob 2 points3 points ago

Drinking helps

[–]Not_a_communist 1 point2 points ago

Only way I manage to survive until I move out again for school.

[–]Bencool 15 points16 points ago

Iowa city....represent...ish.

[–]camherting 7 points8 points ago

iowa city is the shit

[–]lovespunstoomuch 2 points3 points ago

wooo

[–]L0rdH3nRz 2 points3 points ago

Hell yeah!

[–]Hazzie666 8 points9 points ago

Moline here!

[–]Desperately_Insecure 13 points14 points ago

MOLINE: At least it's not Milan.

[–]Hazzie666 2 points3 points ago

My step-dad works in Milan. I barely ever even go there? Is there anything worth going there for?

[–]giantrubberduckofdoo 2 points3 points ago

There's...the Milan Indian Summerfest? And a Hy-Vee? And...um...a Hungry Hobo? Oh, and Camden Park for 3rd of July fireworks! (I live there...trying to...talk it up...)

[–]greggers186000 1 point2 points ago

hahaha, for sure! Moline here also

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

Question: my bf from Erie says Milan is pronounced "My-lan" as opposed to "Mih-lahn"-- is this true? I want to know before moving out there next month and sounding like an idiot.

[–]Desperately_Insecure 2 points3 points ago

It's My-lan.

Also the town "Orion" is spelled "Oh-Ree-an" yeah. I know. So the constellation is still "Oh-rye-an" but the town is "oh-ree-an"

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

Ugh. Thanks for letting me know so I don't sound too sophistimicated...

[–]pants428 1 point2 points ago

That is true. It's pronounced like Mylanta but drop the -ta.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

Very sophisticated :)

[–]chetlin 1 point2 points ago

Yes, and Orion is pronounced OAR-ee-in.

[–]Chewzer 1 point2 points ago

Fellow Maroon here!

[–]SenorMcBean 1 point2 points ago

More of us here than I thought.

[–]WillTreaty 6 points7 points ago

Yeah, Eldridge here, so.. Count your blessings.

[–]tylercr 2 points3 points ago

I used to live in Eldridge! :)

[–]KuraiTsuki 1 point2 points ago

My fiance is from Long Grove.

[–]izhr 2 points3 points ago

I moved from Moline to the Bay Area. You should appreciate the low cost of living you have.

[–]raffytraffy 2 points3 points ago

you should appreciate the fun stuff you have available to do.

[–]chetlin 1 point2 points ago

I'm about to go to California for graduate school. It may be a lot more expensive there but from what I've heard the general attitude of the people is also better. Is it?

[–]urdadinatoaster 5 points6 points ago

Cedar Rapids standing by.

[–]CC_DKP 9 points10 points ago

Something makes /r/funny and everyone from the QCA feels the need to pipe up. Where the hell are you on /r/quadcities?

[–]I_Ovulate_Daily 5 points6 points ago

Didn't even know about this subreddit. Thanks!

[–]lchamp67 10 points11 points ago

Iowa City! represent!!

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]I_Ovulate_Daily 1 point2 points ago

Describe "uptown" davenport

[–]Zervonn 1 point2 points ago

Ghetto.

[–]I_Ovulate_Daily 4 points5 points ago

Lmfao, below brady street hill is ghetto.

[–]tylercr 1 point2 points ago

Actually I'd say the cutoff is Locust Street.

[–]I_Ovulate_Daily 1 point2 points ago

Good point

[–]Metalheadzaid 3 points4 points ago

Why would I upvote the city where a man is running around with his penis out?

[–]justincrazyeyes 6 points7 points ago

downtown checking in, bookmarking for when I get bored and want to stalk QC redditors

[–]winebear 2 points3 points ago

Hey Justin!

[–]justincrazyeyes 1 point2 points ago

Hey...Chris... probably :)

[–]winebear 1 point2 points ago

Yes'um. When you heading back to the bay?

[–]justincrazyeyes 1 point2 points ago

flying in tomorrow brotha, every other week

[–]I_Ovulate_Daily 1 point2 points ago

Seeing that you have crazy eyes and live downtown, don't stalk me.

[–]Jishkah 5 points6 points ago

Fuck yeah, Davenport!

It's funny how this is the top-rated comment in an Iowa thread. It always is. We should have a Reddit meet-up; there'll be a couple of us. A couple of us.

[–]I_Ovulate_Daily 1 point2 points ago

Being 18 I'd probably be the youngest there.

[–]Jishkah 1 point2 points ago

Naw. I'm 19, myself, so you'd be... second youngest? I dunno.

[–]I_Ovulate_Daily 1 point2 points ago

What school did you go to?

[–]Jishkah 1 point2 points ago

Trinity for preschool to 8th grade (small private Lutheran school), Central for my first year of high school, and then North from my Sophomore year to my Senior year. Right now, I'm going to Scott - at the Belmont campus, in Bettendorf.

Well, not right now. This autumn.

[–]I_Ovulate_Daily 1 point2 points ago

I went to adams elementary, williams intermediate, and just graduated from west. Depending on what activities you were involved in at north, I might know you. Play any sports/ instruments?

[–]Jishkah 1 point2 points ago

Nope. I was the quiet kid who kept to himself, mostly. No instruments, no sports... I did nothing significant in my stay at high school.

Name some friends of yours that you know from North or Central; let's see if I know any of them. :P First names only, though.

[–]jrhop364 1 point2 points ago

Atleast three.

[–]viciousandempowering 2 points3 points ago

the only reason i wear clothes in davenport is because i don't want everyone else to feel ashamed

[–]KuraiTsuki 3 points4 points ago

Another Davenporter reporting in.

[–]explosivo563 4 points5 points ago

Ill drink to the quad cities. Bettendorfian born and raised

[–]jbooboo 4 points5 points ago

Davenport native, went to Bettendorf (ugh, I know). Got the fuck out as soon as I graduated and haven't looked back. Although, I really fucking miss Whitey's.

[–]TMNTrent 1 point2 points ago

That's me to a t...left in 2001 for college, I only come back to visit family, for Whitey's, Hungry Hobo and Harris Pizza.

[–]Reiver79 1 point2 points ago

How many people here went to PV?

[–]I_Ovulate_Daily 5 points6 points ago

We don't like PV in davenport...

[–]AwkSauce 5 points6 points ago

We don't like PV anywhere.

[–]MidnightFox 1 point2 points ago

Coyne Center checking in. for those that don't know where that's at in the QCA, it's south of Milan, the Redneck area of the QC. Moline has Little Mexico going on, and the west end of Rock Island is where all the wannabes are at. Davenport, well you can get shot if your in the right area at the wrong time and if you drive a semi (18 wheeler) you have to a void Brady Street or Harrison street. cause that damn Railroad bridge will eat the damn truck. if you try to go under it. Also their PD as of late is telling the city if they want to file a complaint they have to do it online, cause there is no one at the station that will do it for them.

[–]WillTreaty 2 points3 points ago

the Redneck area of the QC

So which part? You're really not narrowing it down here...

[–]MidnightFox 1 point2 points ago

well you have to admit we ain't as bad as the ones down south.

[–]PlaidBaron 15 points16 points ago

Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place...

[–]Joeyfingis 14 points15 points ago

Talk about wishing you had a larger hard place...

[–]trakam 8 points9 points ago

That's an obscure saying.

[–]flowstoneknight 7 points8 points ago

It looks like he was convicted, so apparently it wasn't small enough.

[–]ALEX211 12 points13 points ago

I'm from davenport. I was shocked to see something from the QC times on reddit! gives us al hope haha

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

I thought it was just something old people called furniture.

[–]UnicornOfHate 12 points13 points ago

The angular resolution of the human eye is usually around 1-2 arcminutes, or .000291 to .000582 radians.

An object having that angular size at a distance of 35 feet is a little less than 0.125 - 0.25 inches, or 0.318 - 0.636 cm.

This man claims to have a penis less than a quarter of an inch long. And his wife vouches for him. Ouch.

[–]benziz 4 points5 points ago

SOURCE

[–]Bacon_Hero 1 point2 points ago

To be fair, any penis should be visible from about ten yards away.

[–]ApatheticDisposition 8 points9 points ago

You shoulda just accepted the charges man.

[–]CrowdPlzr 10 points11 points ago

"What's that? $150 fine? Fuck that shit...hey babe!? Tell 'em I got a little dick."

[–]pissoutofmyass 12 points13 points ago

Nope, a woman saw his penis from 35 feet away and felt violated. He'll probably be on the registry for life.

[–]DasHuhn 1 point2 points ago

It wasn't a one-time thing, this guy had been intentionally flashing a TON of people for a couple of years before charges were brought. To be honest, he shouldn't be flashing the USPS mail woman in front of a school bus stop

[–]PanicMoon13 7 points8 points ago

Could you tell me how far it is to Davenport?

22 mile.

[–]atsu333 6 points7 points ago

No, bout a half hour. Seriously, no one around here tells distance in miles. Just time.

[–]gdrocks 1 point2 points ago

Truth.

[–]Deseao 3 points4 points ago

Reddit: Where indecent exposure is relegated to the back burner while everyone talks about cornfields. I love this place.

[–]honeybirdy 1 point2 points ago

I feel sorry to this man...

[–]ListenChump 1 point2 points ago

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm placing the other half of this vienna sausage at the far end of our courtroom, to prove a point..."

[–]blunsandbeers 1 point2 points ago

I wonder what this guy and his lawyer were saying when they decided to go with the "I have a small penis" defense.

facepalm

[–]imooumoo4 1 point2 points ago

Don't feel bad. If she could see it from 35 feet away, he's got nothing to worry about. Down There

[–]just_looking_around 1 point2 points ago

I think mostly he just wanted a reason to flash the jury.

[–]EastonRhodes 1 point2 points ago

Sometimes I like to come out here to Davenport...sit on my favorite log...tuck my penis between my legs and greet the mail carrier...

[–]NegusSociety 1 point2 points ago

The sad thing is, I live in the quad cities, about a mile from Davenport.. -_-

[–]WilliamDangerFord 1 point2 points ago

Thanks for reminding me why I live in Iowa City and not Davenport.

[–]graysweater 1 point2 points ago

Other side of the state, but any 712? I feel like I have to at least know one Iowan whose posted on this thread.

[–]hurrdurro 1 point2 points ago

"I have a small penis, your argument is invalid."

[–]TheBulla 1 point2 points ago

I used to work with the bnsf crew that worked the quad cities. I remember a few years ago the engineer didn't get enough momentum going and got stuck blocking the baseball field on one of the last games of the season. Dunno why that was relevant, anyways Monmouth, IL resident checking in.

[–]dawgdick 1 point2 points ago

Hello Quad Cities.