Around 10 years ago I used to work for Tesco's and got to know the security team well. One particular guard told me the story of an indecent at the store that to this day I'm gutted that i missed due to a day off. With this particular indecent, a lady in a just past the knee length skirt tried to steal a bottle of Vintage Moët & Chandon. Apparently she took the bottle to the clothing department, dissapeared behind some of the larger racks of clothing, looked around for cameras and members of staff, and then believing she was out of sight she placed the bottle up her skirt before ungainly waddling towards the door.

Unfortunately for her she didn't take into account the advanced camera system the store had. Not only did the store have the typical fixed camera's, they also had one camera than ran along a track along the entire length of the stores ceiling within a one way mirrored tube. To anyone looking up at the tube, it certainly wouldn't stand out against the various exposed ventilation pipes and money pod chutes criss crossing the ceiling. Its this camera that watched her every move and also witnessed her clearly hide the bottle.

So as she leaves the store she's stopped by security and a small team of managers. Naturally she protests her innocence but cannot do a thing as one of the larger security guys takes her by one arm and one of the taller managers grabs her by the other. She's then taken to the back office where our security guy asks her to sit down. Still protesting her innocence, she starts giving everyone a piece of her mind but quickly changes her tune when another security guard from the CCTV room comes in holding a DVD-R and tells her that the entire incident was caught on camera. Apparently a chair was pulled up for her whilst she was asked to remove the bottle from whatever contraption she was using to hold the bottle of Moët she had up there. She sat down with a bit of a clunk from the bottle hitting the chair before removing the bottle from under her skirt. Our security guard could see the bottom of the bottle from the way that she sat down and that there was no contraption holding the bottle in its place. After placing the bottle on the desk he could also see that the neck of the bottle was ever so slightly moist with a fluid that was clearly not water.

Do I need to say more than that was the day I learned what the phrase 'Kegel Exercises' meant?