I've come to the conclusion that people just don't understand how to name things anymore -- they carefully brainstorm and think of family names and page through books of names and ultimately make, as people are wont to do, the most ridiculous possible decision. A quick google for 'popular baby names' provides a ton of evidence. A ton of overly-voweled, cutsie, pop-culture-whoring evidence.

Liam: This is the most popular boy's name of 2011. I can only assume that this is a product of how much people liked that atrocious "Taken" movie and dads everywhere assume that their kid will grow up to become a kick-ass Irish ex-CIA agent. Right. Before going with this name, I suggest you walk into any bar in Ireland and yell "Liam!" and see what you're really signing up for.

Amelia: The third most popular girl's name, favored by people who want their little princess to grow up to be groundbreaking and bold and eventually spit-roasted by cannibals in the South Pacific.

Aiden/Aidan/Aden: Chosen by people who want to be sure that their child's name is never spelled correctly by anyone. Also another Irish name... Did some law pass where everybody who drinks a Guinness on St Patty's Day gets to claim Irish ancestry? Listen up, people: If you've never been involved in a fistfight at a family wedding, you can't be Irish, okay?

Ava: A great name for anyone who aspires to have their daughter to grow up to marry Hitler (for what it's worth, I checked and the name "Adolf" hasn't cracked the top 100 names in the last 67 years).

Greyson: No, really. I thought it was a joke too. Literally "son of the grey-haired one". I swear I'm not making that up -- "Adolf" is sounding better already, isn't it?

Khloe: This name is actually greek for "I will start smoking when I'm seven"

I figure the root of the problem is that people name their kids before they ever lay eyes on them, so they end up overthinking the problem. Most people aren't terrifically adept at the "thinking" part of that to begin with, so "overthinking" really gets ugly.

With that in mind, I preset The Skyshadow42 Child Naming Paradigm (I just made the name up now, which is why it doesn't suck):

• Push child out of vagina and/or wherever a c-section comes out of, which I assume is basically like in Alien.
• Squint at the kid for a few seconds, holding it up in the air like in the Lion King. This is also a good time to check the sex, which makes picking a name even easier.
• Decide what the kid looks like and give them that name. Resist the urge to substitute letters ("K" for "C") or tack on extra vowels.
• Inform your wife. What, you weren't seriously going to let her have input, were you?

No need to thank me.