My economics teacher has told me a quite interesting story or two about the danger of peeing in a car.

So my teacher Jim and his buddy Joe were invited to a wedding before Jim started teaching at my school. They were instructed to haul the wedding cake to the wedding by car. Unfortunately, the wedding was three or four hours away, so it would be a long drive. They set out for the road long enough before the wedding to make it in time and are cruising toward the highway. Before they get on, the two amigos stop to get large 72 oz sodas from a gas station and head back on their merry way.

That was a pretty damn bad mistake.

After about an hour, Jim, driving the car, is just relaxing and traveling down the highway while Joe has already gulped down his beverage. They're doing fine, radio's up, enjoying the ride, watching a bit of scenery. Suddenly, Joe feels a slight disturbance in his lower abdomen. Joe manages to keep quiet for a while, but after about half an hour or so, it's starting to become an unbearable discomfort.

"...Jim, I gotta go."

Jim takes a while to understand what Joe has just told him. "Like, to the bathroom?" Yep. To the bathroom. That 72 oz drink does not like confinement. "Can't- can't you just hold it?"

So Joe holds it a little longer, but eventually it's not enough, and the two can't get off the highway for quite a while. Plus, the cake is starting to melt so our heroes need to move quickly to transport the confection to its destination. Jim decides that is no time for a bathroom break, and they keep moving, picking up the pace now. Still, it isn't fast enough; Joe realizes that he can't hold it much longer. "Man, I gotta do this right now, I can't hang on til we get there... I can't do this."

"Just pee in the cup."

Yes, Jim has just suggested that Joe relieve himself into the now empty 72 oz styrofoam cup that once held the liquid. Seems like a good idea. So Joe takes this styrofoam cup, unzips his pants, and aims very carefully. Unfortunately, the ride starts to get a little bumpy; Joe manages to control the stream for a little while but the rocky highway proves formidable. Before either Jim or Joe can react, the piss stream has begun to spray everywhere around the passenger's seat. It's on the window, the door, the seat, Joe, and the cup. Total urinal chaos in half of the car. And poor Joe is unable to contain the situation while Jim starts to laugh hysterically at the ridiculousness of the pair's misfortunate situation.

When Joe has finally regained control and finished his business, he tries to sit down, surrounded in smelly nitrogenous piss nearly everywhere. "It's alright," Jim comforts him, "we can clean it up later after we get the cake to the wedding. The cake's clean, we just need to get it to the party and we can shower and fix ourselves up."

So they keep driving, trying their hardest to ignore the smell of urine, cruising down the highway as fast as they can toward their destination. Joe lowers the window to toss his pee-filled cup out onto the highway, to get some of the stench out of the car (there are no other cars nearby, and animals leave piss out in the open all the time, so it can't be that harmful). So Joe hold the cup, leans his hand out the window, and tosses the cup forward onto the highway.

In the direction.

That the car.

Is travelling.

At this point, Joe has completely, and irreversibly, fucked himself over.

My teacher described this as if he had seen it in slow motion in the corner of his eye. This giant globule-puddle of piss is apparently floating through the air as Joe tosses it. In the span of just a split second the puddle leaves the cup, then hangs in the air a moment, rising upward from the momentum Joe had imparted with his swing. It hovers upward to about eye level, and then starts darting backward toward the car window and the tension breaks in a small pissy explosion right in front of Joe's exposed, vulnerable face. Then it attacks, covering Joe's face and leaving him drenched from the top of his hair down to at least shoulder level in his own raw urine. At this point, I think my teacher said he had lost it and had to pull over to stop laughing at the combination his poor, miserable friend's shortsightedness and horrible luck.

The duo got to the wedding a little late, the cake was slightly melted but not too badly, and Joe smelled like piss for weeks. It was the kind of smell that wouldn't go away for weeks no matter how much soap or air freshener that Joe used. It left Joe, both literally and figuratively, very pissed for a long time.

tl;dnr: my high school teacher's bud once pissed everywhere in a car, then accidentally exfoliated his face with the urine.

MORAL OF THE STORY: throw your trash backwards, not forwards, when tossing it out of the car to prevent self-harm.

He told us this story as a tangent one Friday when he was explaining crowding-out, or what he likes to call the "peeing-in-the-wind effect."

if anyone wants more excrement-related stories of hilarity about the same teacher, I can think of at least three others he has told our class. the dude's a pretty funny guy and one of my favorite teachers i had in high school, just because he's so fucking absurd.