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top 200 commentsshow all 370

[–]Lt_Shniz 352 points353 points ago

That's my strategy if I ever have to take down a league of kindergartners.

[–]TheBSReport 123 points124 points ago

[–]Gav0 89 points90 points ago

I got 29.

During the fight, would you feel morally comfortable picking up a child and using him/her as a weapon to throw at other children?

Yes, I'll do whatever it takes to win

[–]DanielLiaw 16 points17 points ago

I wouldnt pick a kid up... I fear the bite! & the kid could go all chuckey on you!

[–]coffeeholic 40 points41 points ago

pick the kid by the leg like in OP picture, then there's no problem

[–]mach-2 78 points79 points ago

So as you can all see...

  • maximum grip should be applied to the ankle of the weaponee.

  • Make sure to arch sideways, in a quick graceful motion while pivoting the wrist in order to ensure use of both sides of the weaponee.

  • If said weaponee is on the fringes of unconsciousness, use 3 more times to be thorough.

[–]redegit32 18 points19 points ago

weaponee :)

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

I've got a jar of dirt

[–]hawker101 33 points34 points ago

Puny god.

[–]Munt_Custard 11 points12 points ago

best part of the whole movie.

[–]HotrodCorvair 1 point2 points ago

the thor sucker punch was pretty awesome too.

[–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago

But tthat's like picking a snake up by its tail. Remember a 5yr old has higher flexibility than us. You gotta snap its neck first.

[–]Punkgoblin 2 points3 points ago

Just like a snake, use inertia to defeat the biting. Things look grim for you, to beat a kid it helps to be smarter than the kid.

[–]DanielLiaw 4 points5 points ago

Seriously.. I am literally taking notes.. Prep for zombies... And when the virus hits middle school... I got one of this moves you just taught me, under my belt!

[–]moochooadoo 27 points28 points ago

Here's a wallpaper you might like http://i.imgur.com/1FZ1c.jpg.

Which brings up the question, how many Zombie kids could a resourceful Kid take in a fight?

[–]evilcouch 4 points5 points ago

Buy a print from the artist: Jason Chan http://www.inprnt.com/gallery/jason_chan/zombie_playground/

I have a 24x36in print on my wall and have absolutely zero regrets over spending that much money for a painting that awesome.

[–]moochooadoo 1 point2 points ago

I endorse this. I see this picture around all the time, I think it is universally regarded as being awesome.

[–]xoltage 8 points9 points ago

Looks like Zoey was fighting zombies even as a kid.

[–]Emoboi425 1 point2 points ago

This makes me want a zombie apoc.

[–]KingNick 1 point2 points ago

Holy shit this is an awesome picture. That kid is ready to bounce with that baseball bat

[–]bbraithwaite83 1 point2 points ago

there is no way those kids are going to make it :(

[–]Arcon1337 1 point2 points ago

+10 to blood rage

[–]solarnexus 5 points6 points ago

I got 31...

[–]Thewalruscobainfloyd 1 point2 points ago

I got 18...

[–]Confuzet 5 points6 points ago

I got 22

[–]Thewalruscobainfloyd 49 points50 points ago

I got a rock

[–]mach-2 7 points8 points ago

I got Jesus.

[–]IssacStanley 13 points14 points ago

We've all got Jesus.

[–]ThisIsMikeLitoris 2 points3 points ago

/r/atheism would disagree..

[–]poop_guy 1 point2 points ago

I got poop in my hand.

[–]Edwardx1260 1 point2 points ago

19 only...

[–]epic_comebacks 3 points4 points ago

I think in a real fight, I can probably can take a couple of thousand.

[–]mach-2 5 points6 points ago

pussy!

[–]nederhoed 1 point2 points ago

Me too...

[–]central111 1 point2 points ago

what's the max you can get? I got 23:|

[–]shasta0masta 3 points4 points ago

damn i only got 14 you must be a pro

[–]Batman_Von_Suparman2 5 points6 points ago

I got 25

[–]datsky 1 point2 points ago

i would have told you how many i'd be able to take on but you forgot to inform us we gotta take a survey and sign up for some dating bullshit before they tell us the results.

[–]jalopenohandjob 1 point2 points ago

Right below that in tiny red letters, it allows you to skip the dating service and go to the results. I know, I almost x'd out of it too before i saw it...

[–]thefuckdude 1 point2 points ago

you dont have to sign up, there is an option below to skip that dating sign-up thing.

[–]KingNick 1 point2 points ago

I got 34. Damn... I'm a child beating machine.

I'm sorry, Oscar :(

[–]Sonicberry 1 point2 points ago

They didn't have an answer for that question that went, "are you strong enough to pick up and throw a five-year-old?"

Otherwise, I definitely wouldn't have had 25 as my result.

[–]sjrosen9 1 point2 points ago

28 here. I feel the difference b/w 3 and 7 fights is enough to warrant a separate bubble.

[–]broo20 0 points1 point ago

34 was mine

[–]mispeledUsurname 8 points9 points ago

I got AIDS

[–]larryinurhead53 1 point2 points ago

I got 33...

[–]ILoveYouInAHeteroWay 1 point2 points ago

Me too! Digital five!

[–]larryinurhead53 1 point2 points ago

slap hand of comrade!

[–]welp_that_happened 8 points9 points ago

I got 34.

While trying to find a visual representation of 34 children so I could imagine them bum rushing me, I got this creepiness

[–]ILoveYouInAHeteroWay 4 points5 points ago

You are VERY lucky that is all you got... (google rule 34)

[–]KingNick 3 points4 points ago

Nooonono, silly! You have to "Rule out" these 34 children!

Or, you need to learn how you will rule these children after the Beatdown!

So searching "Rule 34 Children" is perfectly acceptable!

(mf at my own joke: ಠ_ಠ)

[–]hotshotgfx 1 point2 points ago

I got 39. Although I would say that I lied to a couple of questions:D

[–]what_ever_man 5 points6 points ago

We'll return your quiz results when you sign up for this dating site.

Eat a dick and die in a fire.

[–]TheBSReport 1 point2 points ago

Not my website but i believe you can bypass that.

[–]runsoutofspace 7 points8 points ago

I can take on 25.

[–]EvanMacIan 10 points11 points ago

Hey, me too! That means if we band together we can kill at least fifty 5-year-olds!

[–]runsoutofspace 11 points12 points ago

We'll have to fight backs together, like a badass duo taking on a shit load of ninja henchmen.

[–]EvanMacIan 17 points18 points ago

I bet they'll give us medals. "Holy hell," they'll say. "You guys killed the shit out of those kids!"

[–]mach-2 2 points3 points ago

until one of you betrays and sacrifices the other in order to escape.

[–]EvanMacIan 12 points13 points ago

You insult us, sir. There is a sacred bond between us, a bond formed by slaughtering small children.

[–]Batman_Von_Suparman2 5 points6 points ago

I can also take on 25. make that 75 five year olds

[–]EvanMacIan 5 points6 points ago

Oh man, this is gonna be awesome!

[–]Batman_Von_Suparman2 2 points3 points ago

Fuck yeah it is!

[–]mediaG33K 3 points4 points ago

Make that 100. I'm in.

[–]Batman_Von_Suparman2 2 points3 points ago

Fuck yes

[–]DoucheyJackass 2 points3 points ago

Reporting in. Make that 125.

[–]Lurker187 2 points3 points ago

We can make it 151.

[–]mediaG33K 2 points3 points ago

Those bastard won't know what hit 'em.

[–]ModestCamel 1 point2 points ago

I got 24, can I join?

[–]Batman_Von_Suparman2 3 points4 points ago

Dunno. Think you can take on one more?

[–]ModestCamel 1 point2 points ago

I can start a brutal 5 year old destruction training regiment if that can help my chances.

[–]IssacStanley 1 point2 points ago

It's cool, I got 27, I'll back you up?

[–]Batman_Von_Suparman2 1 point2 points ago

It will. Get to it soldier! Those five year olds are not going to destroy themselves!

[–]joshyduo 2 points3 points ago

I got 27 in me but I can take 35 90 year olds in case it's grandparent day.

[–]SleeteWayne 2 points3 points ago

Circle the wagons because we've got some itty bitty asses to kick!

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points ago

I'm in, 75... Ftw

[–]Gaialel 2 points3 points ago

I can only take 14. Damn you morals!

[–]Waffuls 1 point2 points ago

33! Finally all those years of getting trampled a concerts pays off!

[–]KillaPeas 1 point2 points ago

I got 19. Time to rethink life choices

[–]MilitantNegro 10 points11 points ago

You should also get naked.

[–]AndyPandy81 11 points12 points ago

[–]DisplacedLeprechaun 3 points4 points ago

"Lick the shit you pussy!"

~ The Kindergarten army standing around you, having straight up mobbed you and wrecked your pants, your favorite pair that you have the best memory of your life embodied in, with their vomit and child-scent, causing you to fall on your knees in despair and giving them an opportunity to beat the shit out of you with Lego covered whiffle bats.

[–]angrymole 2 points3 points ago

Or if you are the Hulk.

[–]hullokoala 2 points3 points ago

Your comment has me laughing so hard my chuckles are now silent. Thank you for being you :)

[–]ZdeathFROMaboveZ 1 point2 points ago

must go pick a fight with class of kindergartners now

[–]mach-2 1 point2 points ago

Those little fuckers would overwhelm you. One might think they'd back off after seeing you go ape shit with their comrade but nooooo! they'll all want a turn cuz they think it looks fun.

[–]mi_nombre_es_ricardo 30 points31 points ago

When being angry just doesn't cut it...

[–]mach-2 13 points14 points ago

use the bro sabre?

[–]om_nom_nom 6 points7 points ago

I read use the sombrero. It's 5am and I need to fucking sleep.

[–]mach-2 4 points5 points ago

Yeah I'm logging out now...

[–]We_Are_Not_Amused 7 points8 points ago

Wait! I have to tell you something!

[–]darklooshkin 1 point2 points ago

Or the bastard bat, depending on who angered you.

[–]LiveMaI 102 points103 points ago

Reminded me of this post from a few months ago.

[–]Abedeus 57 points58 points ago

Someone doesn't know about Polish.

"Walczę z tobą" - I fight with you (as in, against you)

"Walczę tobą" - I fight with you (as in, using you)

The simple languages don't make the distinction.

[–]WalledGardener 18 points19 points ago

It's same in all slavic languages. At least in Czech and Russian it is.

[–]Abedeus 10 points11 points ago

Yeah, I guess it's probably the case with any language that has at least a few grammatical cases. Sanskrit has this too.

[–]Punkgoblin 2 points3 points ago

Any language with a history of people badass enough to beat people with other people.

[–]Xarvas 1 point2 points ago

So luckily Polish has a number of cases that even professional linguists describe as "an absolute fuckload".

[–]Abedeus 1 point2 points ago

Nothing beats Hungarian. 27 cases?

[–]Nathien 3 points4 points ago

Slovak.

[–]goatworship 11 points12 points ago

You also just demonstrated that English can make such a distinction if you use less vague word choice.

[–]orange_jooze 4 points5 points ago

Russian does that too.

[–]JoeRuinsEverything 1 point2 points ago

Polish is an unbelievably hard language, isn't it? Here in Germany we have quite a lot of Polish workers when it's time to harvest hops and asparagus and they pretty much all say the same thing. It takes kids in Poland way longer to be really fluent compared to kids in other countries. Apparently just about every word has a gazillion different endings, depending on the context of the sentence.

[–]cracovian 2 points3 points ago

They're just as fluent as anybody else their age but it takes a few years in elementary school to perfect their writing. I don't think it's any different since quite a few people can't even write simple stuff in much easier English (there, their, crayon's, etc.) But it is like Klingon if a foreigner is trying to learn it from scratch.

[–]battle100 9 points10 points ago

Chinese does.

"和一个人打架“ fight with someone

”用一个人打架“ using someone to fight. Although in this case using can mean ordering someone to fight.

[–]pupeno 7 points8 points ago

I bet lojban does as well.

[–]Disgruntled__Goat 6 points7 points ago

Um, what about English? Fight against someone vs fight using someone.

[–]xorgol 1 point2 points ago

Italian does as well.

[–]Matt92HUN 3 points4 points ago

Doesn't that come from Latin too? So it should be similar in Spanish and French too.

[–]AMathmagician 1 point2 points ago

I showed this to my Latin professor, and this is one instance where Latin actually doesn't really make a distinction. You could say it in a way to emphasize the difference, but most authors wouldn't.

[–]memo83 1 point2 points ago

Arabic too:

"أنا أتقاتل معك" - I fight with you (as in, against you) "أنا أتقاتل بك" - I fight with you (as in, using you)

[–]k4kuz0 1 point2 points ago

Japanese:

私はあなたを喧嘩する - I fight you

私はあなたで喧嘩する - I fight using you

At least, from what I've learnt of Japanese this would be the case :)

[–]wrightaboutit 1 point2 points ago

Not anything close to colloquial but I understand what you're trying to do.

[–]Flyinghogfish 26 points27 points ago

Reminds me of George Carlin's theory on how to perform the perfect murder. "No murder weapon!"

[–]quantifiably_godlike 14 points15 points ago

Yeah, cuz then it just looks like two people beat each other to death, case closed.

[–]scartol 9 points10 points ago

"Look at this, sarge. These two must have been walking at quite a clip."

Thank you for posting what I came to post.

[–]HLHLHL 2 points3 points ago

Roald Dahl's, too.

[–]KingSourDiesel 9 points10 points ago

I'll hit you with your own pimp! I'm bad. I'm the baddest motherfucker in the world. You ever seen a costume like mine?

[–]nmddl 1 point2 points ago

I came in to see if anyone said this. Why isnt this getting more upvotes?! wtf

[–]Tuxedo717 2 points3 points ago

ctrl + f "pimp" aw yeah

[–]poopjustpoopthatsall 56 points57 points ago

Puny god.

[–]saraht0ga 45 points46 points ago

[–][deleted] 11 points12 points ago

oh im so glad this is a gif.

[–]BlueElephants 19 points20 points ago

[–]jimmery 1 point2 points ago

but how many relevant nph gifs could there possibly be?

[–]RelevantNPHgif 4 points5 points ago

[–]2wice 3 points4 points ago

Hardest and loudest I've ever laughed in a cinema.

[–]Iknowr1te 13 points14 points ago

it's because of the timing...we are used to antagonist speeches. as we are trained to listen to the speech the timing of "nope i'll just kill you now" makes it hilarious, also the zero fucks given.

[–]NeddieSeagoon 20 points21 points ago

[–]cadderly09 1 point2 points ago

RE:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW

[–]dinnyhoon 5 points6 points ago

This is really fun to say out loud.

[–]mohanadmk 4 points5 points ago

where is this from?

[–]IcedJack 1 point2 points ago

Grievous harm with a body.

[–]Camranauchi 2 points3 points ago

Anyone else reminded of River City Ransom?

[–]SexyTurtle 2 points3 points ago

Solving two problems at once, like a boss

[–]bracomadar 2 points3 points ago

Puny God.

[–]hostergaard 2 points3 points ago

[–]Trevoc555 2 points3 points ago

Ah, beating another man to death with another man, what George Carlin thought was the perfect murder.

[–]thatoneguydunno 2 points3 points ago

There's a few more of this picture in this thread at /r/photoshopbattles.

[–]aPudgyMasonManE 2 points3 points ago

[–]SocrAddict 2 points3 points ago

"Do you know what's the perfect murder? You grab someone by the ankles and beat the shit out of another person with him. Then they both die and there's no murder weapon." Possibly the funniest George Carlin special.

[–]tea_money 2 points3 points ago

Dude in the air seems like he's really digging it.

[–]Shadixmax 1 point2 points ago

Now i'm thinking about frank west using a zombie to kill a zombie

[–]avocadoisdelicious 1 point2 points ago

those guys just shouldn't have fucked that mother

[–]GODhimself37 1 point2 points ago

Came here expecting cactus. Was disappointed, though it would have been a repost. I just wanted to see it.

[–]Duel 1 point2 points ago

Explain this like i am drunk.

[–]notglagnar 1 point2 points ago

Kinda how I felt walking out of Prometheus.

[–]HaveALooksy 1 point2 points ago

When I dream I occasionally beat up people that way.

[–]aleppocone 1 point2 points ago

ctrl+f 'dream'... Immediately remembered doing this in so many dreams..

[–]Criminal_Scumbag 1 point2 points ago

When you get so angry that I'll beat a motherfucker with another motherfucker ಠ_ಠ

[–]Disco_Drew 1 point2 points ago

[–]ListenChump 1 point2 points ago

[–]Godd2 1 point2 points ago

"I fought with Mark."

"Who won?"

"I don't think you understand..."

[–]incoming_n_word 1 point2 points ago

Thank you so much Reddit, you just helped me through some shit. Not going to go into it all, just thanks for the laughs.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]flignir 1 point2 points ago

That's exactly how I feel every time the first response to one of my submissions is a down-vote.

[–]ChistianofE 1 point2 points ago

[–]Alamlion 1 point2 points ago

I'm a motherfucker. You're a motherfucker. We could fuck each others mothers, fuck each others moms!

Just what this reminded me of...

[–]typical_9gag_comment 1 point2 points ago

Motherfuckerception!

[–]vist 1 point2 points ago

I will beat the shit out of yo ass, Charles. I'll beat the shit outta you with Charles, as a matter of fact.. I don't give a fuck, I'm the juggernaut biiiitch

[–]Swazzoo 1 point2 points ago

Check out r/photoshopbattles, that's where this one came from. The shops they made there are hilarious.

[–]CrazyBoxLady 1 point2 points ago

The moment I heard Firefly was being cancelled.

[–]nikomo 3 points4 points ago

You can't take the sky from me.

[–]flytaggart1 8 points9 points ago

JESUS! That was 9 Fucking years ago! Im so tired of this bullshit! It was a good show, but cut the fucking cord already dude!

[–]erniesplumbing 1 point2 points ago

Can't stop the signal.

[–]flytaggart1 1 point2 points ago

Guess what, Fox did.

[–]Detry 0 points1 point ago

Reminds me of a "Review" I wrote for Star Wars:Force Unleashed.

[–]polyshore 0 points1 point ago

"I'm going to beat you to death with your friend here and I don't care which one of you dies first."

[–]marloperez 0 points1 point ago

..that I burned my journal of two years of entries..

[–]GamerKT 0 points1 point ago

Motherfuckception.

[–]GamerKT 1 point2 points ago

Poo on you.

[–]ProfessorVanNostrand 0 points1 point ago

no homo

[–]themightychinchilla 0 points1 point ago

terrible form. you gotta spin them so the flailing limbs inflict maximum damage possibleh

[–]everydamnmonth 0 points1 point ago

Romanian gypsies actually do this: they use their babies/children to beat people.

[–]psylocibin 0 points1 point ago

As someone who is really pissed right now, let me thank you for making me laugh.

[–]JohnPoe 0 points1 point ago

That's exactly what I feel like after spending $20+ on Prometheus in IMAX 3D.

[–]SirZheHao 0 points1 point ago

The one behind the camera struck gold. No.

No. He struck what is even rarer, BEST FUCKING STILL EVER!!!

[–]maxvanam 0 points1 point ago

Motherfucker-ception.

[–]penis-butter 0 points1 point ago

Note to self: learn how to do this.

[–]ClockworkYellow 0 points1 point ago

Wow, this is something I saw on Facebook before I saw on Reddit (unless this is a repost?).

[–]wolfshirtfriday 0 points1 point ago

"I'm always angry..."

[–]hunch 0 points1 point ago

I've done that.

True story.

[–]glennm283 0 points1 point ago

Would you like to drink with me.. First step for relationship :)

[–]limbride 0 points1 point ago

This is the technique to use when you want to establish supreme dominance. It works beyond all expectations and bystanders will think you are a Norse god of war come back to dish out a thousand years worth of revenge.

I tried it with great success against twins many years ago. I've never had to do it since.

edit: syntax

[–]cokedick_louie 0 points1 point ago

When you get so mad that you want to rip your own face off and fuck it...

[–]johanbcn 0 points1 point ago

Did you take a picture of an image in a CRT monitor?

*Disapproval stare*

[–]jasonboy 0 points1 point ago

2 birds: 1 stone::0 motherfuckers: 2 motherfuckers

did I get that right?

[–]ultimaray 0 points1 point ago

A new meme we can throw around! yeah!

/s

[–]MR_POPO_ 0 points1 point ago

HI HI HI HERES MR POPO!

[–]Scenro 0 points1 point ago

This is the theme of our night. Just your typical Friday night summer college parties.