i'm guessing the one on his shoulder knows a few tricks. perhaps it unleashes a torrent of vulgarity in swahili or floats around putting mild curses (such as ceaseless rectal itching for a week or unbearable cheese cravings) on people. i want something like that because i'm forced to attend a baby shower next week and i hate babies AND showering.

i imagine that if i attended with such an item i'd be off the hook for similar future obligations. i'd probably carry it on my shoulder everywhere too...a reminder to others that i Mean Business and will bring social discomfort and mild curses whenever inconvenienced. of course my friends would get used to it and we could still go to buffalo wild wings for example.