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1043
1044

After a two week long family vacation. (i.imgur.com)

submitted ago by SoCalsfinest

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[–]coffeeisforwimps 76 points77 points ago

Not my proudest moment but when I was about 15 I took care of it in my sleeping bag while in a tent while my brother, sister and both parents were asleep.

God I hope they were asleep

[–]007chill 104 points105 points ago

They knew.

[–]gamwizrd1 24 points25 points ago

For me its more like this.

[–]Evandanger 0 points1 point ago

"Its sticking to my gum!"

[–]TimeLordOfTheRings 10 points11 points ago

It is known.

[–]vyralinfection 19 points20 points ago

They weren't, they knew exactly what you did, but it was just too awkward to bring it up next morning at breakfast.

[–]frickindeal 65 points66 points ago

I don't understand not fapping on vacation. When I was a kid, my parents didn't have a lot of money, but we managed to take whatever scrap heap my dad was currently driving all the way down to Florida almost every year. We managed to stop in a lot of states along the way, and as a budding young man, I took pride in fapping in as many different states/cities as possible. We got to Florida one year, and it was announced that we were going to Tarpon Springs -- good, I thought, another place to pull one off. Orlando, same thing. I fapped at Disney World; I fapped at Daytona Beach. Even if it had to be just the quickest fap, it added to my growing (hehe) list of places I'd pleasured myself.

By the time I was a teenager, I'd taken to making vacation shower time an orgy of self-pleasure: I'd crack the window or run the fan, and take a few hits off my one-hitter (do those still exist?), smoke half a cigarette, fap and take a shower. I did this in many cities, in many states.

My crowning achievement was fapping under a bunch of pillows and blankets in the back of a station wagon while on the road. I made note of the rough location and logged it in my mind's record of places I'd fapped.

[–]parmasean 23 points24 points ago

ಠ_ಠ

[–][deleted] 9 points10 points ago

EPIC

[–]wompzilla 5 points6 points ago

You smoked half a cigarette with you parents in the next room

[–]frickindeal 0 points1 point ago

Yes. Did the same on school trips as well.

It was the '80s. Three girls got sent home from our 8th grade Washington trip for dropping acid.

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      [–][deleted] 200 points201 points ago

      Then you overdo it, masturbating so much you start shooting blanks.

      [–][deleted] ago

      [deleted]

      [–]SepSe7en 263 points264 points ago

      10/10

      [–]Zanedude 183 points184 points ago

      A++ would wut again.

      [–]hacksilver 54 points55 points ago

      It's... so beautiful

      [–]Chief_Smacahoe 114 points115 points ago

      To be honest, I was expecting some spaghetti in there somewhere

      [–]G182Series 15 points16 points ago

      Well it is stale copypasta...

      [–][deleted] ago

      [deleted]

      [–]G182Series 10 points11 points ago

      Ah I see. I just remember seeing it a while back and assumed (this being reddit) you weren't the creator of it.

      [–]thenewkidontheblock 39 points40 points ago

      if you put that on 4chan, you will fit in perfectly

      [–]32koala 30 points31 points ago

      I think he took that off 4chan.

      [–]jimbo_akimbo 29 points30 points ago

      Nope he said made it. I know it's true because he said it on the internet and you can't lie on the internet.

      load more comments (1 reply)

        [–][deleted] 13 points14 points ago

        Pavlov's fap

        [–]Awesomesupreme12 24 points25 points ago

        I don't know whether to applaud you, or be genuinely concerned.

        [–]ravniel 10 points11 points ago

        Reads a little like Chuck Palahniuk. Enough that I'm fully expecting a 'whoosh' response to this comment.

        [–]najarin 8 points9 points ago

        Relevant xkcd: www.xkcd.com/981

        [–]bitcheslovedroids 2 points3 points ago

        Of course there's a relevant xkcd

        [–]Mofeux 0 points1 point ago

        There should be an Internet rule about that. Like #34, except a different #

        [–]cheeset2 14 points15 points ago

        wat O.O

        [–]The_Kommunist 7 points8 points ago

        ಠ_ಠ

        [–]Zrk2 8 points9 points ago

        TIL WorstAnswerPossible has an alt account.

        [–]DatNord 3 points4 points ago

        i dont even

        [–]EriktheRed 3 points4 points ago

        Do you have a .txt file or something with all your stories in it?

        [–]Mcelite 2 points3 points ago

        You had me at "in the garden"

        [–]ikronz 1 point2 points ago

        Pavlovian conditioning at its finest

        [–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

        Reading through this, I started to feel like I recognized it. Then I remembered that I've seen your username before... not with this story. With the admission that you keep reposting your stories under different usernames.

        You're some kind of Reddit Mystery Person, aren't you?

        [–]Lord_Von_Fappington 1 point2 points ago

        From this day forward you shall be known to my RES as "Masturbates to Mouse Clicks"

        [–]CaptainCurl 6 points7 points ago

        What the fuck?

        [–]Eeazt 4 points5 points ago

        Anyone else want to hear time_to_narrate do this?

        [–]Mofeux 0 points1 point ago

        That and the guy who puts comments to music. Hell, he could make it an awesome rock ballad!

        [–]D1M1R 1 point2 points ago

        My god that was fucking amazing.

        [–][deleted] ago

        [deleted]

        load more comments (13 replies)

          [–]ublaa 31 points32 points ago

          Ah, the old dry heave

          [–]shadowboy220 305 points306 points ago

          First time I actually laughed out loud from reddit in a while. But seriously, I have actually found the time to sneak in a few on family vacations, but it is hard.

          [–]WenniesAffairs 290 points291 points ago

          but it's hard

          That's the initial problem

          [–]crazymuffin147 49 points50 points ago

          Its hardly a problem.

          [–][deleted] ago

          [deleted]

          [–]trafficnab 135 points136 points ago

          Erection

          [–]Zanedude 15 points16 points ago

          If by problem you mean solution.

          [–][deleted] 60 points61 points ago

          Are none of you guys allowed private poopy time?

          [–]Mac6ruber 39 points40 points ago

          It takes me a lot longer than an average dump.

          [–]mrmolecularbiology 39 points40 points ago

          Then learn to multitask

          [–]rsheahen 40 points41 points ago

          Ahhh the old personal Blumpkin

          [–]McNally_52 10 points11 points ago

          Or the ol get up in the middle of the night while everyone is asleep

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            load more comments (1 reply)

              [–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

              "I'm constipated." "I don't have enough fiber." "I'm dehydrated." "Diarrhea." "I didn't get my 9 servings of fruits and veggies today."

              [–]FlyingPasta 1 point2 points ago

              Takes me about 2 minutes, no idea what you're talking about.

              [–]Mac6ruber 8 points9 points ago

              It used to take me 2 minutes... then I turned 13.

              [–]FlyingPasta 5 points6 points ago

              Well this is worrying...

              [–]ThatGuyRememberMe 0 points1 point ago

              Heh

              [–]wasdy1 116 points117 points ago

              Do you not shower alone? Or do your family vacations include shower time as well?

              [–]iamteedee 123 points124 points ago

              I do not like the logistics of doing it in the shower

              [–]wasdy1 88 points89 points ago

              Vacations call for desperate measures.

              [–]SpoonyJank 12 points13 points ago

              Yeah, you need to hump an inanimate object, prefferably something soft. OK, what is my disorder called?

              [–]smash790 61 points62 points ago

              Cancer.

              [–]SpoonyJank 5 points6 points ago

              Probable side-effect, but seriously. About 10 times easier to get off from hump-masturbating/intercourse than conventional jerking or blowjobs/handjobs. And never on the last two. I have a good sample to draw from as well.

              [–]runtcape 2 points3 points ago

              What are you humping instead of your hand? A pillow?

              [–]SpoonyJank 7 points8 points ago

              Well ok, not that soft. Usually a mattress. It's more the texture. Jersey sheets, maybe certain blankets.

              [–]theodrixx 13 points14 points ago

              Up to this point I was pretty sure you were joking.

              [–]JCorkill 2 points3 points ago

              I hope he's still joking.

              [–]Palvanda 2 points3 points ago

              Just so you know, you're only fucking yourself over when you're doing this:

              1) You might be forming scar tissue and permanently losing sensitive in your penis

              2) You're only going to make it harder for you to enjoy sex, as you've already found out.

              this is similar to the "death grip" problem. stop fucking humping your mattress.

              [–]Chrscool8 0 points1 point ago

              The "fucking humping" in that sentence was redundant.

              [–]bstampl1 4 points5 points ago

              Dolphin.

              [–]YourCommentBoresMe 26 points27 points ago

              10 GRAB DICK

              20 SHAKE DICK

              30 GOTO 20

              [–]electriczap4 25 points26 points ago

              dick.grab()

while True:
     dick.shake()

              [–]NULLACCOUNT 8 points9 points ago

              Dick.on("grab", function() {
    Dick.trigger("shake");
});

Dick.on("shake", function() {
    Dick.trigger("shake");
});

Dick.trigger("grab");

              [–]thatsdapper 7 points8 points ago

              for ( ; ; )
Dick.bate();

              [–]ThatGuyRememberMe 6 points7 points ago

              dick = dick.grab

              if dick = false then dick.shake

              return

              end

              Edit: Oh god I don't know how to format...

              [–]JCorkill 2 points3 points ago

              What language is this?

              [–]ThatGuyRememberMe 1 point2 points ago

              Lua

              [–]trapopolis 0 points1 point ago

              Scheme??

              [–]CranialEruption 1 point2 points ago

              Four spaces at the beginning of each line.

              Like this.

              [–]ProfessorD2 9 points10 points ago

              Using a Goto to masturbate?! That's bound to get messy.

              [–]PleinairAllaprima 15 points16 points ago

              If his processor is fast enough he's likely to rip it straight off.

              [–]Zrk2 1 point2 points ago

              Then you are doing it wrong.

              load more comments (1 reply)

                [–]ferio252 14 points15 points ago

                A family that showers together, stays together.

                [–]4rch 5 points6 points ago

                Ah yes, when the water is beating to the rhythm of your fap

                [–]LilB2fast4u 3 points4 points ago

                wel ya see the shower turns it into a insanely sticky substance that is very annoying.

                [–]wasdy1 1 point2 points ago

                yeah, well don't blow a load on your stomach, you're in the shower...shoot it on the tub and wash up with some soap. And I mentioned it for use on vacation, when you don't have other options...

                [–]ThatGuyRememberMe 1 point2 points ago

                I can't do it in the shower very easily. And it just overall sucks for me.

                [–]JKELL 10 points11 points ago

                Its so easy. Especially if its a beach vacation. "Are you coming down to the beach with us?" "Yeah in 20 min, I'm gonna grab something to eat."

                [–]Mcelite 4 points5 points ago

                Everyone showers.

                [–]0h_Lord 6 points7 points ago

                I did this once on a family holiday. Took longer than usual in the shower as a result, came downstairs afterwards and another guy my age we were on holiday with yelled "HE WAS IN THERE AGES, I BET HE WAS CRACKING ONE OUT" right in front of my parents. Not even showering is safe.

                [–]Mcelite 1 point2 points ago

                Holy shit, please tell me you had an excuse?

                [–]ThatGuyRememberMe 1 point2 points ago

                Not when you are going camping. The showers you find are normally public and... You know how that can go.

                [–]LULZORZZ 4 points5 points ago

                Brazzers.

                [–]omplatt 3 points4 points ago

                fap in the woods.

                [–]ThatGuyRememberMe 1 point2 points ago

                Hey guy's I'm gonna go gather some wood.

                [–][deleted] 3 points4 points ago

                It is kind of weird though. Last time I went on a family vacation without my wife (I am 25 and married but went on vacation with my son, parents, and siblings) I didn't masturbate. On the day before I left I had a wet dream. I have probably had about 3 or 4 of them in my life, and all of them were over 10 years ago. LOL, luckily I didn't have to sleep in those sheets again and took them off the bed and left. I just hope my parents or anyone else didn't pick them up or move them and see a huge giz stain on them.

                [–]dryspells 2 points3 points ago

                I was legit about to post that this was my first actual laugh from reddit in recent memory too.

                [–]bondmaxbondrock 0 points1 point ago

                Showers.

                load more comments (7 replies)

                  [–]Linton58 85 points86 points ago

                  Ahem...

                  [–]Deep-Thought 41 points42 points ago

                  that was a week long vacation, this one is two weeks. completely different.

                  [–]BadAndy3249 11 points12 points ago

                  reddit on repeat...

                  load more comments (2 replies)

                    [–]AcutelyObtuse 92 points93 points ago

                    http://i.imgur.com/dICyt.jpg

                    [–]l3lackstar 42 points43 points ago

                    it was a spooky ghost!

                    [–]picturesofmiceandmen 7 points8 points ago

                    I tsout was 'merica!

                    [–]frickindeal 2 points3 points ago

                    "tsout" is a brilliant creation on your part.

                    [–]moar_noaw 3 points4 points ago

                    Ectoplasm!

                    [–]rcm21 24 points25 points ago

                    I'm certain I've seen this exact same gif with an almost identical title here.

                    [–][deleted] 10 points11 points ago

                    http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/sbmrz/when_i_masturbate_for_the_first_time_after_a_week/

                    [–]Mother_Fraker 2 points3 points ago

                    The link was purple before I even read the title.

                    [–]Unicumber_seacorn 50 points51 points ago

                    Dude, public bathrooms and an iphone, problem solved?

                    [–]wanbo37 72 points73 points ago

                    I'm Ron Burgundy?

                    [–]Unicumber_seacorn 10 points11 points ago

                    That caught me off guard... lol'd so hard.

                    [–]Zanedude 10 points11 points ago

                    So I rhymed like a bard.

                    [–]Andythefan 5 points6 points ago

                    You've activated my trap card.

                    [–]Eyedoless 18 points19 points ago

                    No, it has to flow naturally, you fucking retard.

                    [–]Akiba89 2 points3 points ago

                    spanking it in a public restroom? PLEASE, so i can sleep tonight, tell me that you do NOT do this

                    [–]Unicumber_seacorn 2 points3 points ago

                    I have. I don't do it on a regular basis, just when I'm on a trip with no real privacy. If the bathroom is empty, why not?

                    [–]Omnum 12 points13 points ago

                    I'm a redneck so I'm normally pretty spent after family vactions.

                    [–]upper_d3cker 0 points1 point ago

                    ICWATUDIDTHERE

                    I also pooped in your toilet tank.

                    [–]redditdoo 8 points9 points ago

                    When did wrestling get so awesome?

                    [–]Fidgetstic 7 points8 points ago

                    The 20's...

                    [–]TheMagicStik 7 points8 points ago

                    Thats what bathrooms are for.

                    [–]MedievalManagement 89 points90 points ago

                    Come the fuck on! You couldn't be bothered to re-host the image or even come up with your own damn title? You little shits are this close to convincing me to vote for year round school the next time it hits a ballot.

                    [–]juntmaster 13 points14 points ago

                    This is so perfect. Username reflects message. I am love with this.

                    [–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

                    Year round school is way more awesome. More breaks, evenly spaced throughout the year to prevent burnout.

                    [–]AmoebaofDeath 6 points7 points ago

                    That's how I feel after PAX. Three days in a hotel room with two or three friends....wow, that's only three days...is that bad?

                    [–]weenerhole 13 points14 points ago

                    I jack off on two week long family vacations too...

                    [–]Looks_Good_In_Hats 11 points12 points ago

                    When there's a will, there's a way.

                    [–]remhawk99 2 points3 points ago

                    And a vacant shower while your parents are out.

                    [–]scruff3h 1 point2 points ago

                    When these's a willie, there's a way. FTFY

                    [–]realfinkployd 12 points13 points ago

                    Ok, I've seen this on reddit before with I believe the exact same title, so I will give you my response from last time.

                    "Where do you vacation that doesn't have bathrooms?"

                    [–]Glutimous 4 points5 points ago

                    I still prefer this whenever I see posts like this.

                    [–]Blackops606 7 points8 points ago

                    Don't steal other people's work/ideas.

                    [–]chicagodude84 9 points10 points ago

                    I once masturbated in the back seat (aka "captain's chair") of our family minivan on the way to vacation...with my parents in the front seat, obviously.

                    [–]inferior-raven 6 points7 points ago

                    I once fingered a girl to climax in the back seat of the car HER FATHER was driving.

                    Honestly, I think having a wank would be harder. I mean, theres this whole boner to hide. And you need room to go on top of that. I don't think I could get away with that. With a girl, you have some space to hide at least.

                    You sir, are a ninja.

                    [–]runtcape 4 points5 points ago

                    Back in high school, I was jacked off in one of those safari vans with 8 people in it, and it was full. It was on a road trip, so people were sleeping. Not 100% sure if noone knew though.

                    [–]meatfish 5 points6 points ago

                    Was the teacher eventually arrested?

                    [–]runtcape 1 point2 points ago

                    Ha, I just meant it as a time frame.

                    [–]meatfish 0 points1 point ago

                    What I really need to know though, is if all 8 people took turns.

                    [–]inferior-raven 0 points1 point ago

                    Ha that's awesome. The cool thing about the bus is that it may not be socially acceptable, but it is expected.

                    Pretty badass lol

                    [–]acosmichippo 4 points5 points ago

                    http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/duplicates/uj1rk/after_a_two_week_long_family_vacation/

                    [–]HappilyStitcH 2 points3 points ago

                    Jerk it in the shower dude.

                    [–]uselessdegree 1 point2 points ago

                    Ah yes, when so much is built up it doesn't even feel good to finish, it just feels like you opened the valve so some steam can escape, thereby overall relieving pressure.

                    [–]ToastNYC 1 point2 points ago

                    obligatory /r/NoFap referral

                    [–]dimeslime1991 1 point2 points ago

                    fuck you, this has been posted before

                    [–]mattv1 1 point2 points ago

                    Wrestling related picture? Obligatory /r/squaredcircle plug.

                    [–]pretzelzetzel 1 point2 points ago

                    The link is even purple. Did you repost your own post, you fuck?

                    [–]Linton58 1 point2 points ago

                    No. He reposted mine. He did use the exact same link though. A damn shame it is.

                    [–]predator123 7 points8 points ago

                    I've seen this before. Ah yes repost.

                    [–]masterofstuff124 1 point2 points ago

                    is this true for lady redditors?

                    [–]theSTEVEb 3 points4 points ago

                    This post AGAIN... At least change the title

                    [–]withmorten 2 points3 points ago

                    This is a repost with the EXACT same link as last time. It's still purple.

                    [–]geezt 4 points5 points ago

                    Do you guys smell that? ... I think its repost.

                    [–]nothing_to_see_there 16 points17 points ago

                    Normally i wouldnt care but it's almost word for word. Why do people do that? Are you saving up all that karma for something special?

                    [–]thesandbar2 6 points7 points ago

                    The only difference is he didn't mention jacking off.

                    Same 2 weeks, same family vacation

                    [–]JaqHammerJesus 1 point2 points ago

                    I jerked off in a parking lot one time between two parked cars at night. Was not a proud moment.

                    [–]b1gtym1n 1 point2 points ago

                    not only is this a repost, but you almost stole the title word for word. Fuck off!

                    [–]daevilpurple 1 point2 points ago

                    Repost with almost the same exact title... http://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/sbmrz/when_i_masturbate_for_the_first_time_after_a_week/

                    Edit: Link to original post.

                    [–]Beaumont21 2 points3 points ago

                    Katy Perry the wrestler?

                    [–]FritzyJunior 0 points1 point ago

                    An almost verbatim repost, faggot

                    [–]hurricaneemily 0 points1 point ago

                    I feel you, bro.

                    [–]d4vi3j03 0 points1 point ago

                    Dude I whack it while on family vacations. I ain't holding that in.

                    [–]harrynutz 0 points1 point ago

                    The gif lagged right before he did it so it looked delAyed

                    [–][deleted] ago

                    [deleted]

                    [–]ProffesorRufuses 0 points1 point ago

                    Sexy Shower Time!!!!..... with your hand :(

                    [–]l000tbeen 0 points1 point ago

                    niice

                    [–]JPEEZY95 0 points1 point ago

                    Literally Laughed Audibly, About passed out too

                    [–]willneu97 0 points1 point ago

                    I just moved and had to sleep in a room with my brothers for 2 weeks. I know that feel

                    [–]blankethog 0 points1 point ago

                    goes to single toilet locked public bathroom during vacation. locked door. who cares = had sex

                    [–]Lawrendene 0 points1 point ago

                    That's after work for me.

                    [–]tells_bad_jokes 0 points1 point ago

                    Are you not allowed showers on vacation? Showers are prime time chicken chokin'.

                    [–]aesamattki 0 points1 point ago

                    Am I the only one here who can be totally quiet about it in the bathroom???

                    [–]RatsoCruel 0 points1 point ago

                    The new Batman looks really cool...

                    [–]matik24 0 points1 point ago

                    I feel like one up vote is not enough, but that is all I have to offer. Good luck in the rest of your life, and happy jizzing

                    [–]TheBigOne500 0 points1 point ago

                    Me Fucking Too

                    [–]donandino 0 points1 point ago

                    Your family gave you chlamydia?

                    [–]Dabless 0 points1 point ago

                    Pro tips; shower.

                    [–]Khyrdantai 0 points1 point ago

                    I just use the bathroom.

                    [–]AutumnEmber 0 points1 point ago

                    Amatuer. I pull it off easily.

                    [–]clydefrog811 0 points1 point ago

                    I just had this exact moment only hours ago

                    [–]analblast69 0 points1 point ago

                    I know that feel bro

                    [–]nympho_dora_tonks 0 points1 point ago

                    I have schlicked in the same room as my sleeping little sister. Now I feel like a monster @_@

                    [–]ClaudioKillganon 0 points1 point ago

                    I'd say you are one. I almost did the same. Could not bring myself to do it. Very glad I didn't. Watched Red vs Blue instead. Luckily, I didn't because he next day I found out she was actually awake at the time and told my parents about the "people wrestling on my computer screen late at night." LUCKILY, SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT THE RED VS BLUE EPISODE WHERE EVERY ONE WAS FIGHTING. NOT PORN. What if she was actually awake?

                    [–]nympho_dora_tonks 0 points1 point ago

                    My sister was snoring, and she's not that good an actress, so I think I'm safe. I'll never do that again though.

                    [–]ClaudioKillganon 0 points1 point ago

                    In my personal studies, I've found that girls seem to like to moan when receiving even small pleasures such as kissing. Did you have to hold it in? And if I'm asking questions, were you THAT damn horny? Sheesh. :P

                    Source: 9 Girlfriends in the past year.

                    [–]ConstableRepost 0 points1 point ago

                    What's all this then?!

                    [–]lnickelly 0 points1 point ago

                    You ever have a moment where you see something and your like "heheh.....This guy gets it" (points to self)? cuz i just did.

                    [–]Paultimate79 0 points1 point ago

                    You have hot sisters or something?

                    [–]Akiba89 0 points1 point ago

                    lmfao. oh god i understand this... i dont want to but i do

                    [–]J4S1X 0 points1 point ago

                    It feels so good.

                    [–]trapopolis 0 points1 point ago

                    Been there. Apparently you can penetrate through 4 tissues with enough pressure...

                    [–]chargon 0 points1 point ago

                    so you're telling me you spermed ...

                    [–]PlayDiaPlay 0 points1 point ago

                    Repost, same title and everything.

                    [–]ArmyPig007 0 points1 point ago

                    If your going to repost then give credit in the title, just changing the words around a bit isn't covering for your karma-whoring.

                    [–]wisher555 0 points1 point ago

                    I just came back from a 7 day vacation...exploded like never before.

                    [–]Heiska 0 points1 point ago

                    the relief

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