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The Government's explanation for the impending Zombie apocalypse... (i.imgur.com)

submitted ago by DolphinDaddy

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[–]splendidorphan 43 points44 points ago

Would anybody else like to see a cage match between a person on "bath salts" and one of those chimpanzees that also bite faces off?

[–]Zazilium 18 points19 points ago

Looks like you and I, are off to Bollywood my friend! Let's make this happen.

[–]NiteShadeX2 7 points8 points ago

I'd rather see a gorilla fight a grizzly bear.

[–]L3ftyrocks89 10 points11 points ago

I would rather watch a huge fucking spider fight a guy on bath salts.

[–]Kvawrf 9 points10 points ago

We can do it all, we just need to get a boat and head to international waters where all this shit is legal. Or Mexico.

[–]L3ftyrocks89 10 points11 points ago

It will be the greatest Reddit meet up of all time!

[–]DrKomeil 6 points7 points ago

I'd rather see 3 dwarfs on PCP fight an enraged bull elephant with wooden spoons.

[–]PuroMichoacan 3 points4 points ago

I think the place you are thinking is Australia.

Edit: Clarity, Australia has huge spiders.

[–]sir_bigballs 4 points5 points ago

The place for this type of thing is actually Japan

[–]L3ftyrocks89 2 points3 points ago

You wouldn't have to go to Australia to see that. You most definitely could but you would not have to.

[–]TibEco 1 point2 points ago

a great white shark vs a grizzly bear ;)

[–]NiteShadeX2 1 point2 points ago

Polar bear maybe, I dont think a grizzly is competent enough at swimming. Shark can just cruise in and score one good bite, then wait for bear to bleed out. I dont even know if they'd eat the bear with all that fur.

[–]alecyo12 1 point2 points ago

What about all four?

[–]Fj0ergyn 1 point2 points ago

I think this would actually result in a really nice dinner ... if you like eating faces, that is.

[–]TheDisillusionist 22 points23 points ago

Well, I work in EMS and in their defense bath salts might actually be a credible explanation. We have had some people do some absolutely batshit insane stuff while on them. Off the top of my head I want to say a kid tried to eat a police car up here a while back.

[–]qubie 2 points3 points ago

So, does it just make you really really hungry?

[–]TheDisillusionist 8 points9 points ago

Nah, it makes you really really crazy. This guy was being arrested so he was over the hood of the cop car. It was close to his face so he was just going nuts. They do all kinds of crazy shit. A lot of it seems to be suicidal for some reason too.

[–]Ihavebeliefs 2 points3 points ago

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wh_nZiuFC4o I think this link will satisfy your curiosity.

[–]jdpietersma 2 points3 points ago

Holy. Fucking. Shit.

[–]dimhearted 0 points1 point ago

Was it bath salt or synthetic weed. Fucking stupid

[–]TheDisillusionist 2 points3 points ago

Yeah, they are pretty different. I've seen some weird shit with the synthetic weed too, but never anything violent. Some allergic type stuff and one really weird guy who was catatonic for like 45 minutes and then just suddenly popped out of it and asked what the hell happened.

I'm not sure if it's true but people who smoke the synth weed a lot tell me a lot of the problems come from it being sway stronger than the real deal, so smoking the same amount is like crazy too much.

[–]deamoremorte 2 points3 points ago

Very true, I smoked spice for awhile until I had one of the worst trips of my life. What most people don't know is that each vial is mixed differently. You will eventually hit the right mix that will absolutely ruin you. Stick to what's natural, screw these man made drugs.

[–]taheca 0 points1 point ago

I agree with you 100%

[–]dimhearted 0 points1 point ago

Ya im glad i never partaked

[–]Ihavebeliefs 0 points1 point ago

bath salt is what the official report said but either way messed up stuff.

[–]dimhearted 0 points1 point ago

Ah thanks. This is like the third video I've seen similar

[–]yoitsemo 0 points1 point ago

I've taken bath salts.

It felt like the first time I'd taken adderall. Spent the whole day skateboarding and became extremely social.

No violent tendencies, whatsoever.

[–]TheDisillusionist 2 points3 points ago

A one guy story where nothing happened isn't evidence of anything, just that you're lucky or have a great system for that drug.

I've met a lot of people at work that did something insane or stupid and it worked out well that time. Some people can handle their shit. Doesn't mean that when a guy can't handle his shit it doesn't go bad fast.

[–]yoitsemo 0 points1 point ago

I agree with you. These people who flip shit are obviously not mentally stable.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]mecrosis 15 points16 points ago

Nice try zombie

[–]TheDisillusionist 0 points1 point ago

Was thinking of a response taking your opinion seriously then I realized you led off with the format of "you're a professional and don't know X fact" where X is an inane ass opinion.

[–]PuroMichoacan 12 points13 points ago

Breaking news mexican druglords urge the government to take action against bath salts. They said it may hurts profits and customer base.

[–]aphoenix 32 points33 points ago

Do you wonder if the zombie apocalypse has started a couple of times, but was just taken care of by cops on the first or second zombie? Like - that guy could have been a full on zombie, and these cops just stopped that shit from spreading.

[–]C--Flat91 9 points10 points ago

This is the first of several weird news stories, just like in the walking dead. In a few weeks we'll all be fucked

[–]Heroshade 3 points4 points ago

Starting to believe that 2012 shit.

[–]MaxPowerzs 7 points8 points ago

Mayans didn't account for leap years.

[–]SwimSquirrel 4 points5 points ago

zombie apocalypse outbreak

[–]Iwouldbangyou 0 points1 point ago

Good Guy Cop

[–]MaxPowerzs 0 points1 point ago

As sad as it is, zombies are terrible threats, depending on which lore you want to believe. A slow zombie threat would be put down almost immediately. Transmission medium is also a factor, as well as whether or not animals can be infected or become carriers as well.

The real kicker is that because zombies lack the ability for self preservation, most predatory animals can take care of them easily (again depending on how susceptible they are to zombification).

Also cold weather climates would stop zombies almost immediately, since they would simply freeze and all you would have to do is smash and shatter the frozen head. Someone who has survival training for cold weather climates could easily outlast any zombie threat out there.

[–]taheca 0 points1 point ago

Hell anyone who has grown up in a cold weather climate probably could as well..

[–]Tingles008 9 points10 points ago

"similar affects to amphetamines, cocaine, and lsd" three completely different drugs. the first time i heard about the face eating man i said "the government is going to take this and try to re-ignite the drug war." And so they did.

Edit: i also said it was probably pcp. Which is more understandable.

[–]rickman1011 4 points5 points ago

"Bath Salts" are usually a cocktail of research chemicals, primarily MDPV.

Freaky stuff, probably most similar to methamphatamine with a more psychedelic qualities.

[–]austintaci0us 5 points6 points ago

I feel like I'm missing some information that is supposed to make this funny. Can someone inform me?

[–]bigronaldo 4 points5 points ago

"Bath salts" is the type of drug the guy was on who ate of a dude's face off last weekend.

http://www.usnews.com/news/articles/2012/05/30/miamis-naked-zombie-proves-need-to-ban-bath-salts-experts-say

[–]Butteruts 2 points3 points ago

40$ a gram is less than half the price of cocaine? These reporters better check their hypotenuses dude.

[–]Likestechlongtime 0 points1 point ago

It sounds like their dealers have been ripping them off.

[–]bigronaldo 1 point2 points ago

Sorry, coudn't find a tube:

Crack Shopping from Always Sunny in Philadelphia

[–]TheEternal 2 points3 points ago

Well if it's Mephedrone a lot of people at my uni were doing that for a while and I never saw any face eating. But then again you never know what its cut with and so on.

[–]PatAunces 2 points3 points ago

"Bath salts" are random amounts of research chemicals, often Mephedrone, but not always. I still doubt this was anything but PCP.

[–]ONXwat -1 points0 points ago

bath salts are MDPV, and trust me, that was probably it.

[–]PatAunces 0 points1 point ago

Bath Salts are not always MDPV either. They can be Mephedrone, MDPV, Methylone, or any number of legal research chemicals. Source. They are most often MDPV or Mephedrone, but not always, and can be impure even when they're mostly those.

[–]mobtek 1 point2 points ago

the ATS fourms posts are highly entertaining :)

[–]slipknotman515 1 point2 points ago

In Oregon today, we had an autistic kid freak out and bite a bus driver in the face. This was the first instance of rash behavior from the child.

Sauce.

[–]AScholarlyGentleman 1 point2 points ago

Oh fuck, it's already spread to the Pacific NW? I have to make a shelter.

[–]w1w1w 1 point2 points ago

not sure if funny people think the same thing or stole the top rated link on zombies

[–]apokradical 2 points3 points ago

Great minds taste alike.

[–]DolphinDaddy[S] 1 point2 points ago

That butthole stole my picture!

[–]ericcoolkid 1 point2 points ago

I saw the thumbnail for the 'aliens' meme, and I got excited

[–]dwallas 0 points1 point ago

Bath salts isnt gonna make people eat faces. Its just government response to research chemicals and contination of the war on drugs

[–]Geebuz 0 points1 point ago

for anyone wandering, bath salts = mephedrone... Sometimes also sold as plant fertilizer... Its been a fairly common thing down in Australia the last year or 2...

Oh wow, yay my state! By January 2011, every state in Australia, other than Victoria had listed it as a controlled drug

[–]H4xAce 0 points1 point ago

Wouldn't it just be ironic if the second wave of infected ends up being all the people that dreamed/trained for Z-day? Ya know, traveling to the infected city to live out their zombie slaying fantasies. That's a concern that's never been fully addressed. Because then we'll have abunch of teens/young adults walking about with helmets and makeshift body armor. What'a get... invincible zombies.

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