top 200 commentsshow all 234

[–]trshtehdsh 550 points551 points ago

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If you do drugs from a bag you randomly picked up off the floor, you probably deserve to snort cum.

[–]BaZing3 259 points260 points ago

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It's probably one of the best-case scenarios, really.

[–]TheBob77 136 points137 points ago

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I see you're a bag half full kinda guy

[–]TheInternetHivemind 38 points39 points ago

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That's a lot of cum.

[–]AnalBurns 15 points16 points ago

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Or a very small bag.

[–]TheInternetHivemind 32 points33 points ago

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I think any amount of cum you snort qualifies as "a lot".

[–]DuckHunter101 0 points1 point ago

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However, if you are simply swallowing it, more than two "gulpfulls" is considered "a lot".

[–]TheInternetHivemind 3 points4 points ago

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Confirmed.

Source: I am a semen production plant.

[–]lydocia 25 points26 points ago

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Now I kind of want to know what your worst case scenarios would be.

[–]chewp911 68 points69 points ago

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Draino, clorox, rat poison, shit like that.

[–]lydocia 63 points64 points ago

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Dead blended babies.

[–]marvinsmurf 41 points42 points ago

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Not for a while, they seized our last shipment at the Korean border..

[–]lydocia 16 points17 points ago

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Those Koreans fuck up everything.

[–]Seriou 8 points9 points ago

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When will I get my baby meat?!

[–]lydocia 13 points14 points ago

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When will I get to meat my baby?

[–]Seriou 6 points7 points ago

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W-wait um

what?

[–]PDerp 6 points7 points ago

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Why don't you have a seat?

[–]kriss554 0 points1 point ago

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-slaps baby with a steak- happy now!?

[–]MegaZambam 0 points1 point ago

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That's atheists favorite drug!

[–]lydocia 6 points7 points ago

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Yes. We also suck up the juice the devil shits when he has diarrhea and we drink each others blood.

[–]AutumnEmber 5 points6 points ago

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Just an average Saturday for me.

[–]ColinWhitepaw 11 points12 points ago

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"Anonymous white powder" could be... Just about anything. And there are plenty of things that, if you were to snort a line of, would kill you. Very quickly.

[–]cyricmccallen 1 point2 points ago

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Molly has a very distinct taste. If it tastes like molly probably is molly

[–]biurb 1 point2 points ago

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so you're saying we should taste the mystery powder before we snort it

[–]gordofrog 0 points1 point ago

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It could be anything; talcum powder, rat poison, a great band name. You don't know what you're getting with "Anonymous White Powder"

[–]Lethalmud 1 point2 points ago

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[–]Dirtydog275 0 points1 point ago

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The reason i wont meet my girlfriends family in Columbia

[–]SweetLeafKush 0 points1 point ago

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Chicken Shit.

[–]Therealbigpanda 9 points10 points ago

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Yesh. But than randomly buy drugs from a stranger...

[–]EddieFender 51 points52 points ago

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[–]dcss 8 points9 points ago

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I think this problem stems from accent. I see people doing it all the time on Reddit (which is made of mostly Americans), whereas I have NEVER seen this mistake on any text written by my British compadres.

[–]PDerp 0 points1 point ago

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How does country of origin at all relate to one's grammatical errors?

[–]bigbendalibra 0 points1 point ago

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a couple reasons... 1. british people pronounce then and than dramatically different therefore they are less likely to confuse the two. 2. people in different countries grow up in better or worse educational systems making them more or less prone to make grammatical errors.

[–]Pleurodesis_temp -1 points0 points ago

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I can't think of many American English accents that would merge the two sounds, though I wouldn't be too surprised if there was at least one. Could be some extension of the pin/pen or the Mary/merry/marry merger.

[–]cheddaroni4949 0 points1 point ago

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i sometimes accidentally blend the two words. not often, but it happens.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]7zark77 0 points1 point ago

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They are a stranger the first time you buy from them - and so you're putting your trust in a stranger who chooses 'drug dealer' as their career path.

[–]notAnAI_NoSiree 16 points17 points ago

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No, you are introduced by a friend/customer of the dealer, establishing a chain of trust.

[–]PoonaniiPirate 2 points3 points ago

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This.

[–]pencilbagger 5 points6 points ago

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not exactly, 90% of the people I've bought weed from I have known for years, long before they started selling it.

[–]ilovepie 2 points3 points ago

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Meh, not the same but I drink half empty beers if I'm out in a club, pub, bar, or whatever. Beer needs drinking.

[–]Hibernatingsheep 1 point2 points ago

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leave no beer behind!!

[–]Korrin 71 points72 points ago

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That would be an odd thing to have to explain if he ever got picked up by the police while carrying those baggies.

[–]Lol_GAYbacon 58 points59 points ago

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Especially if they do a taste test.

[–]GetStapled 23 points24 points ago

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It was a ghost!

[–]Jonnybeans 13 points14 points ago

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the ectoplasm!

[–]Mzsickness 7 points8 points ago

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It would probably be more awkward than a cop patting you down and touching your dick then asking what it is.

[–]chucKing 99 points100 points ago

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TIL cum can be powdered

[–]abom420 72 points73 points ago

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You must have never scraped it off the side of a computer desk before.

[–]chucKing 55 points56 points ago

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Protip: if you bring the laptop/smartphone to the bathroom you can jizz in the toilet. Much easier cleanup, plus cum looks funny in water.

[–][deleted] 61 points62 points ago

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Did you know you can also masturbate without a laptop/smartphone?

*€dit: upvote if you've ever accidentally continued masturbating after alt-tabbing to some non-porn content like a nice .XLS file.

[–]mycomputersaidkill 70 points71 points ago

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but, like, what's the point?

[–][deleted] 21 points22 points ago

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feels good man

[–]TheBob77 14 points15 points ago

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meh, reminds me too much of trying to jack off in middle school when i had no internet, tv, or porn mags

[–]f03nix 15 points16 points ago

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"Quick, get that image of the girl from school in head ... !!"

Why is everyone looking at me like that ... Guys ... Guys ...

[–][deleted] 13 points14 points ago

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then it's awkward when she talks to you the next day. so much guilt

[–]f03nix 23 points24 points ago

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She - a girl talks to me ? ... lol, sure.

[–]TKING2724 3 points4 points ago

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That's when I had to rely on the scrambled porn channels.

[–]Dryerlint 1 point2 points ago

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Couldn't you wait till you got home?

[–]AnExoticLlama 3 points4 points ago

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Why wait, just -bate!

[–]skeeto111 0 points1 point ago

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I mean...you don't need any of that

[–]coolswordsman 0 points1 point ago

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Imagination

[–]goatsgomoo 6 points7 points ago

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True, but it's hard to bring a desktop into the bathroom.

Or were you talking about tablets?

[–]PoonaniiPirate 2 points3 points ago

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He was talking about laptops and smartphones; however comma a tablet would work great.

[–]biurb 0 points1 point ago

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however comma a

why

[–]PoonaniiPirate 1 point2 points ago

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Maybe i was tired of doctors telling me what i couldn't do.

[–]CrowCrowBro 3 points4 points ago

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[–][deleted] 5 points6 points ago

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I can't be the only one who can't see photobucket. Does it require an extremely promiscuous browser or what?

[–]CrowCrowBro 1 point2 points ago

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Fixed it.

[–]Rhyoung3 0 points1 point ago

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Well, there went my boner....

[–]Seriou 0 points1 point ago

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I got one.

[–]Anon3mous1 3 points4 points ago

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I don't get how the geometry of this would work... The launching force is a lot more variable with the gel than a straight up liquid so the arc shot is out, and the mounting point won't allow a downwards shot when it's configured to fire this projectile type... You gonna try and bank shot this sucker?

[–]Savvypirate 0 points1 point ago

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Maybe their cum isnt a rocket launch more an ooze.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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how does one jizz into a toilet? you'd have to be at the most awkward 45° angle to do that

[–]PoonaniiPirate 2 points3 points ago

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Well I would suggest cumming straight up and trying to get the cum to go in the little space on it fall.

[–]chucKing 1 point2 points ago

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It's not really much more of an angle than say, jizzing into a girl who's on all fours while you're on your feet with knees bent, pounding her... Can't think of what that's called, somebody help me out?

[–]TheUnfamiliar -3 points-2 points ago

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Hopefully you have good aim or you might end up getting one of your family members pregnant.

[–]Seriou 1 point2 points ago

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Guys he was joking.

[–]chucKing 0 points1 point ago

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Yeah, uh... joking... I definitely don't fap standing in front of a toilet, that's strange... What kind of sick twisted bastard would commit sperm genocide-by-drowning in toilet water?

[–]Seriou 0 points1 point ago

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Heh, yeah. Not me, for sure.

[–]TheUnfamiliar 0 points1 point ago

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So was I.

[–]Seriou 0 points1 point ago

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I was referring to you

[–]chucKing 1 point2 points ago

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I live with my girlfriend and her son who's still in diapers, so no danger there.

[–]Phoequinox 3 points4 points ago

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ಠ_ಠ

Goddamn, I've made some pretty rookie mistakes, but what the fuck, man? Really.

[–]LamesWeirdington 2 points3 points ago

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But have you ever made a roofie mistake?

[–]abom420 0 points1 point ago

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I had discovered internet porn. The consequences were vast, I have learned and improved the technique.

[–]accharbs -1 points0 points ago

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You can also make an omelette out of them. I wonder if it works the same as powdered eggs. *edit NSFW

[–]kattery 21 points22 points ago

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Some people wanna watch the world stay clean.

[–]The_Bearded_Beast 83 points84 points ago

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...the fuck did I just read?

[–]SirGal-I-had 46 points47 points ago

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The product of a master troll.

[–]mctrigger -3 points-2 points ago

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its not real

[–]MrsPumpkin125 54 points55 points ago

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[–]duckinferno 10 points11 points ago

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UGH THAT VOICE I GET IN MY HEAD

[–]MrsPumpkin125 5 points6 points ago

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What does the voice sound like?

[–]duckinferno 26 points27 points ago

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I don't know. Confident, smooth, reassuring... yet sinister and creepy with a hint of malevolence.

[–]MrsPumpkin125 5 points6 points ago

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I think it's the same voice as I hear in my head.

[–]eltommonator 2 points3 points ago

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Like the parallel evil version of Morgan Freeman?

[–]digging_for_fire 1 point2 points ago

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Dr Manhattan.

[–]halahala1986 2 points3 points ago

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[–]taco_tuesdays -1 points0 points ago

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weird shit you do threads on 4chan are some of the most frightening places on the intertubes

[–]sonastyinc 6 points7 points ago

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Gets arrested by a dirty cop. "Oh, it's not cocaine, officer. It's just my dried out cum." Cop goes, "Yeah, bullshit!" and dips his pinky into to baggie and rubs it into his gum. Seconds later, with a horrified look on his face as he realizes what he has done, he begins to beat the shit outta the cum merchant, he dies 30 minutes later. The end.

[–][deleted] 8 points9 points ago

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[–]rkt227 0 points1 point ago

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This was the point where I realized I haven't slept in far too long.

[–]nthensome 4 points5 points ago

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I though that 'coke' I found smelled salty.

[–]hokieod 2 points3 points ago

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Great, now there are going to be all these club douches that are carrying his nose babies. They'll end up breeding, making more nose babies, and then what, 4chan, then what?

[–]Sunflwrstarz 7 points8 points ago

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Never have I been more relieved that I do not Do drugs. Perhaps this would help the D.A.R.E. Program

[–]Mzsickness 10 points11 points ago

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Also, most people who do drugs wear D.A.R.E. shirts/bumper stickers as an ironic statement. So if you see a grown person with D.A.R.E. shit in you pretty much know they do drugs.

[–]Savvypirate 1 point2 points ago

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Or they have a child. But most llikely they still do drugs

[–]Sunflwrstarz 0 points1 point ago

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I was being sarcastic.

[–]poon-is-food 5 points6 points ago

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Not sure if troll or idiot...

seriously, i do drugs, i just dont do floor drugs.

sheesh how desperate do you have to be to take a white powder you just found on the floor that you have no idea what it is.

[–][deleted] 12 points13 points ago

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sheesh how desperate do you have to be to take a white powder you just found on the floor that you have no idea what it is.

Someone addicted to coke?

[–]The_Blackening 4 points5 points ago

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Yay it's you, I love your posts.

[–][deleted] 4 points5 points ago

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wut

Is that for real?

[–]Hiphoppington 0 points1 point ago

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I don't know the proper response for what I'm witnessing here.

[–]Sunflwrstarz 0 points1 point ago

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Sarcasm

[–]Pepe_Silvias_Mail 5 points6 points ago

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I found about a gram and a half of random powder in a bag at Electric Daisy Carnival last week. Asked if anyone wanted it and my friend took it and ate the whole bag over two day thinking it was Molly. I am glad I was feeling generous.

[–]poon-is-food 0 points1 point ago

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any idea what it could have been after he had it all?

[–]HamboneShambone 8 points9 points ago

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Well, he's pregnant now so...

[–]Seriou 1 point2 points ago

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Jizz.

[–]MYDOGSTELLA 9 points10 points ago

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That is not even dirty OHL hockey player funny. Thats just fucked up

[–]LamesWeirdington 22 points23 points ago

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it's 4chan.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]MYDOGSTELLA 2 points3 points ago

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Never visited......won't

[–]LamesWeirdington 13 points14 points ago

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it's not bad. there're still cats there... that have boobs.

[–]ANAL_ANARCHY 13 points14 points ago

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I don't want to fuck my cat, and I don't want to be tempted.

[–]LamesWeirdington -2 points-1 points ago

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why not? you love your cat, don't you? edit: also, upvoted for username ANAL_ANARCHY. i'd do so twice if i could because it's all in caps.

[–]ANAL_ANARCHY 0 points1 point ago

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Well, when you put it that way, should I post it to /r/Awww or /r/gonewild ?

[–]LamesWeirdington 1 point2 points ago

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both, and watch them simultaneously climb to mt. olympus-like heights!!

[–]poon-is-food 3 points4 points ago

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4chan doesnt really deserve its reputation.

most boards are good.

/b/ is circlejerk and faggotry (in their own words, no less)

any crazy shit you see it just 12 year olds lying.

[–]Seriou 1 point2 points ago

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You've never been there.

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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I'm gonna go throw up and kill myself.

[–]Tblanco 1 point2 points ago

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Everybody has aids

[–]Convolsion 1 point2 points ago

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IAMA request: someone who's picked up a random baggie off the floor in a club and snorted its contents without giving a fuck.

[–]EnsoElysium 0 points1 point ago

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-slowly raises hand, wiping nose off with the other-

[–]swimmingmunky 1 point2 points ago

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I just use a cum box

[–]Batistick13 1 point2 points ago

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I strangely want to try this just to see if it will seem legit...

[–][deleted] 1 point2 points ago

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[–]Erasus -2 points-1 points ago

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Sure was a funny gif buddy

[–]cbebop3 0 points1 point ago

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This reminds me of ass pennies.

[–]Seriou 0 points1 point ago

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Do tell.

[–]cbebop3 1 point2 points ago

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I present to you: Ass Pennies

edit: It's a little long but totally worth it.

[–]FishNChimps 0 points1 point ago

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Lol, he's copying something one of those scamps did in an Enid Blyton Famous Five book.

[–][deleted] 0 points1 point ago

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Trolling level: Herbert the Pervert

[–]alarindris 0 points1 point ago

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I doubt anyone has actually snorted it. I'd pick it up, lick a pinky, taste it, realize it's not coke or molly and chuck it. I think most people who would snort things would at least taste it first before bumping it.

[–]GiantSquidd 1 point2 points ago

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HEY EVERYBODY! THIS GUY EATS JIZZ!

[–]Haroldholt 0 points1 point ago

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You're better of buying a cheap wallet and leaving it somewhere in the club with the baggies in it like a toliet but make sure to fold up a tiny piece of paper in the wallet with the baggies saying call this number if you want more cum

[–]valgrot56 0 points1 point ago

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scumbag

[–]Therealsebastiandior 0 points1 point ago

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[–]DaRabidMonkey -2 points-1 points ago

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The thing that most makes this post bullshit is not that someone would really do this or that someone would be stupid enough to consume a mystery 'drug' from bag found on the floor; it is that it would require a 4chan user to go to clubs. Though, we would take "around" in the more literal sense, in which case this sheepish kid walks in the vicinity of clubs and drops his bags on the sidewalk.

[–]chewp911 9 points10 points ago

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You give people way too much credit, and /b/tards not enough credit. People would ABSOLUTELY do random drugs they found. Just not people you know.

[–]Mzsickness 3 points4 points ago

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You think everyone who goes to /b/ is a closet/basement dweller. People who go to /b/ arn't that different than people who go to reddit. I go to raves and the most of the people that go to them know of 4chan, and do you know how many drugs are used at raves?

So is it safe for me to assume you rarely go to clubs?

[–]DaRabidMonkey 0 points1 point ago

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I guess you didn't read my response to someone else. I was making a joke, so the perfect validity of the comment wasn't the goal. I know not everyone on /b/ fits that description, and I said so in another comment. Also, just because people "know of 4chan" does not make them the kind of weird people who make the sort of posts like the one linked here. Furthermore, your attempt at attacking me directly is petty. Once again, I was making a joke, implying the the superficially absurd concept of someone ingesting a mystery substance at a club (though in reality not entirely unlikely given the prevalence of drug use in such settings) is more likely than someone on 4chan going to a club.

So yeah, my experiences are completely irrelevant given that is not at all the only way of learning things, and trying to attack me instead of my argument, as I said, is petty. But if you simply want to know more about me, then sure, I'll let you know that I go to clubs whenever possible, though it is unfortunately not as often as I'd like given my residence in a state/country that does not allow people under 21 to even be in a bar/club (and US 18+ clubs suck balls)—to attack me on my age/location would be shallow.

[–]Savvypirate 0 points1 point ago

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I think the people that believe everyone are dwellers are the Dwellers.

[–]sjlopez87 -3 points-2 points ago

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[–]SirDerpingson -1 points0 points ago

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4chan is a fucked up place. But in a good way.

[–]bricardo -1 points0 points ago

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Fucking health hazard. Probably illegal.

[–]DivideByZ 8 points9 points ago

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you mean compared to the drugs they think they're taking instead?

[–]Anon3mous1 5 points6 points ago

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Yeah? So are drugs. Clearly that doesn't stop people from doing them.

[–]DrinkCocaine 2 points3 points ago

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And?

[–]pcman500 -4 points-3 points ago

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This should actually be in /r/wtf

[–]Mzsickness -3 points-2 points ago

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This is borderline /r/wtf

[–]canadathejazzman -2 points-1 points ago

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4chan never ceases to genuinely freak me out

[–]RaptorjesusFTW -1 points0 points ago

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ooo how i love that...

[–]LusciousDanielle -1 points0 points ago

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I hope he has herpes so that they get nose-herpes.

[–]samigrlie -1 points0 points ago

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I hope that guy really doesn't do that. Not only is it biohazardous, it's disgusting. Plus if he has an STD, he could be spreading it around and he could face serious legal action against who ever found out. I agree that you shouldn't be picking up random drugs off the floor and doing them. Still no excuse for putting others in danger cause you want to have some sick fun. Not cool man not cool.

[–][deleted] ago

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[deleted]

[–]Seriou 0 points1 point ago

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The Aussies would be upside down too, as are their computers, so you made it upside down for them.