Airports...

publius4 · 3 months

Seat belts are actually pretty useful during extreme turbulence and bumpy landings. I don't think they're intended for being useful during crashes.

macogle · 3 months

Nail clippers are allowed in both checked and carry-on luggage. So are knitting needles, nail files and corkscrews.

Source: The TSA.

TheTVDB · 3 months

Over 90% of airplane crashes have survivors. Most fatalities are due to fire and smoke inhalation after the crash. Without seatbelts, trauma from impact would likely be the predominant cause of death.

ryumast3r · 3 months

Electronic devices: Don't need to turn them off so much due to interference, but more for a lack of distraction during take-off and landing.

Seat-belts: Not useful during a crash but good during take-off/landing (see below for this and electronics for why) and during rough turbulence/etc.

Reason for take-offs/landings: The 15 minutes before landing and after take-off are generally the most dangerous. Having distracted passengers while you might want to give them complex instructions or have to move them quickly makes it hard to do evacuation procedures. Having passengers move around the airplane also shifts weight which could cause problems.

As for the knives/water/etc? That's just bullshit and I have huge problems with TSA for things like this.

Just recently I was going on a trip from St. Thomas to Atlanta (connected elsewhere), and this lady had a rock in her carry-on bag. It was a nice rock with some cool imprints on it (didn't get a good look but it could have been coral of some kind). Anyway, the TSA agent looks at this lady (who's like 60, btw) and says "You can't take this on the plane, you know, I could kill like 4 people with this rock." Oh, so being able to kill 4 people is now a qualifier for not allowing people on a plane? Well, I have a blackbelt and could probably kill a few people too. Not to mention wrestlers, professional fighters, army personnel, big guys, etc. The TSA later went on to let her onto the airplane with the rock, but kept harassing her all through security and even afterwards a little bit while she was walking to the plane.

It was just ridiculous.

betterpc · 3 months

Full size original decent quality pic http://i.imgur.com/zqhrT.jpg

piverlunch · 3 months

And how bout them peanuts? Right...? Right...?

zoomzoomla · 3 months

On the last flight I went on I got my belt buckle taken away from me because it was gun shaped. It was clearly a buckle, in no way could I have held up a plane with it. It was quite frustrating, I understand that people have to do their jobs and keep us safe but still...

Drawkcab_ma_I · 3 months

Have you ever heard of a rich terrorist? Maybe that is why knives are provided in first class only.

<\sarcasm>

FaerieStories · 3 months

Seatbelts are for turbulence, not crashes.

Cestdujamaisvu · 3 months

The moment I lost faith in airport security:

Last summer I tried to pass security in Heathrow with a 500ml bottle of coke that was about half full. Told by security guard I couldn't bring it through as it was around 200ml, which is more than the 100ml allowed.

Gf took bottle of coke from me, poured half of it in her empty water bottle and gave the bottle of coke back to me.

We were allowed to go through...

DoctorNose · 3 months

The seat belt one is completely off base, but the others are amusing.

Soul_Rage · 3 months

lufthansa gives ALL classes actual silverware. So i found out on my last flight. Also, why don't people ever question the fact that lighters are allowed on airplanes. THATS RIGHT FOLKS, water-no, tools which produce fire-sure.

lizardking99 · 3 months

In my opinion, if you can overpower the whole flight crew with just a pair of nail-clippers, you deserve the plane. You clearly want it more than anyone else does!

Darktidemage · 3 months

The seatbelt one is quite fucking stupid.

The seatbelt can very easily save you in a plane crash. Not all crashes are plummets from 30,000 feet straight down.

The plane doesn't even have to crash for the seat belt to save you. The plane can easily drop suddenly 100s of feet and you will break your neck on the ceiling.

clark_bender_kent · 3 months

This isn't so much funny as sad.

ChickenFarmer · 3 months

About the knives: You don't even need to book first class. In many airports there's a steak house after the security check, where you will be provided with a great steak knife!

Piotr555 · 3 months

That's nothing! On one of our flights going towards Afghanistan we have to fly commericial. TSA rules STILL APPLY as we are boarding a commercial aircraft with body armor and rifles. But we can't have liquids over a few ounces.

hans1193 · 3 months

Also, every airport now has nice sit down type restaurants that you can go to AFTER you've been through security, in which you can get full on steak knives with your meal.

pantallica_51 · 3 months

its funny how airports will even be dicks to people coming back from deployment. Like they will patdown soldiers.

spandeflex · 3 months

Oh, and by the way.. FUCK TSA!

dexisajerk · 3 months

The water bottle thing is the stupidest rule. If 97 people are in line here, why would leaving my "bomb" in this trash can that they all stand next to prevent a horrible massacare that counldnt be traced back to be as I'm safely on my flight?

Also, my last flight (January) for work, I got offered a soda or tiny water bottle on my flight out. I wasn't thirsty, so I stuffed it in my back pack, which I had under my seat. 11 days later, I'm heading home, and airport security pulls me aside and asks to search my carryon. I say yes, like a boss. They pull out the tiny water bottle (same airline that gave it to me), and tossed it. I was speechless.

I honestly forgot I saved my water bottle on an inbound plane, and ended up being searched by the TSA trying to get back on the same airline that gave it to me.

lineman91 · 3 months

You can bring ice skates directly on a plane with you. Ice skates. the sharpened metal blades that have cut necks in the NHL. But, they're safe to take on planes!

shartmobile · 3 months

Billy Connolly on airplane seatbelts.

Urizen23 · 3 months

I had the pleasure of going through the TSA pat-down for the first time last week; I opted for it just to see what all the fuss was about.

I had to wait 15 minutes before they could get someone to do the pat-down, and even when they got someone to do it the guy directing the line in front of the scanner told me to "go around" and get in line for the body scanner without indicating that there was a little gate next to the scanner that would allow me to pass without using it, so I got confused and a little agitated (and his repeating the same "move along, sir" line over and over didn't help things). The process itself took upwards of 15 minutes while they searched my bag and ran explosives tests on it (though in all fairness I had some geode bookends in my carry-on that probably looked pretty weird under the x-ray). The TSA says you have a choice about going through the body scanner and the little signs they put up along the snaking path to the checkpoint explaining their bleeding-heart concern for every single passenger's well-being/dignity and explaining that "you have a choice" are wonderful platitudes, but the alternative to the body scanners is so unpleasant and time consuming that the vast majority won't take it (and that's the point).

Canadian security, on the other hand, is just a matter of "put your shoes/jacket/metal objects/carry-ons on the conveyor belt, and step through the metal detector". I'm a dual-citizen and this Homeland Security BS has me done with America at this point.

userbelowisamonster · 3 months

I was in Minneapolis picking up a friend at the airport and I went to the glass case where they had on display a list of items that you can't bring on the plane.

My favorite was the chainsaw, because you could use the gasoline inside to start a fire on the plane.

mebd · 3 months

TSA isn't about actually increasing safety, but making you feel safe. No one would think TSA was doing it's jobs unless they made your life a living hell at the airport.

qwop88 · 3 months

Nail clippers are allowed on airplanes so long as they don't have a blade attachment.

And you can just bring an empty bottle through security and fill it up from a fountain on the other side.

Also, these jokes are old as fuck.

fat_stig · 3 months

A few years ago I went through Budapest airport and had my nail clippers that I'd forgotten to remove from my backpack confiscated on entry to the departure lounge. A fair cop I thought.

However, with no further checks before boarding, I had a pizza while I was waiting for my flight and was given one of these to eat it.

ಠ_ಠ

YKWDPM · 3 months

Tweezers are also banned.

As Ed Byrne said: "Tweezers?! If you can hijack a plane with tweezers you deserve the fucking plane, as far as I'm concerned."

mang87 · 3 months

With all the things that people show up with that could be bombs or could used as weapons, the TSA guys would probably just panic and wave you through if you showed up with an AK47 and a stick of dynamite.

srsimpson · 3 months

The rules for liquids get even dumber:

15 oz. tube of toothpaste - NO GOOD!
Five 3 oz. tubes of toothpaste - OKAY!

welp_that_happened · 3 months

Flying back from Incheon International (South Korea), I meticulously made sure I didn't have any of this crap with me in my carry-on.. to include liquids. Being slightly hungover, I made sure to buy a Vitamin Water before boarding my flight...

This is when I discover the assembly line of airport employees making us open our carry-ons. My (still factory sealed) Vitamin Water was, alas, revealed. I was told I could not take it on the plane. I told them I bought it in the terminal. I get "No liquid". I mentioned it was sealed. I get "No liquid". I open my mouth to protest some more but I get "No. No. No." Sensing that I was now being perceived as a loudmouthed and pompous American, I sadly surrendered my Hangover Juice and sulked to my seat, where I popped 4 Benadryl and knocked myself out for 14 hours.

Mtw156 · 3 months

Pretty sure the 'give you a knife and fork' bit is from Seinfeld's standup a long time ago. Still funny but sad. Somehow they install body scanners seemingly overnight yet the obvious, and known security issue with handing passengers a knife has never changed in 20+ years.

Jrod121 · 3 months

Lame!

I_count_ducks · 3 months

Last time coing through Perth airport I had a jewellers screwdriver, with the metal bit all of three cm's long which I was obliged to throw away. Coming back home I realised that I also had a 30cm stainless steel ruler... No water but a crude oil sample was fine.

susuhead · 3 months

My dad was on a Lufthansa flight a couple of years after this security madness began and was surprised to finally see metal cutlery back in service. So he asked the stewardess why they'd ditched the plastic.

Her response? "Sir, if someone can take over a plane with a plastic knife, they deserve it."

not_a_single_fuck.bmp

panlane · 3 months

Serious question: if the cutlery is metal in firstclass then couldn't you bring an oilstone on board and tune the knife to a razor edge?

Enjoi_BuD · 3 months

Some dude on an airplane asked me if I always kept my phone on. After I stuttered a nonsensical "sometimes", he proceded to berate me and told me the reason they do that is so when they are transporting hearts, or other organs for transplants it messes something up with regulating them. Or something like that. I did not know how to respond.

vidfreak · 3 months

Apparently knitting needles are acceptable

guyver_dio · 3 months

I once had a toy keychain cap gun on my keys once when going through an airport, and they came out holding the trigger saying who does this belong too. I said mine and he started to begin his lecture so I just interrupted and said dude it cost me like a dollar just chuck it if it's a problem.

But seriously, it didn't even have a hollow barrel. It was poorly painted and looked very toyish. It was basically a piece of metal that flicked up against another piece of metal. But because it was gun-ular shaped...

fruitbat_anne · 3 months

I went through several airport securities yesterday coming from Bangkok, to a layover in Tokyo, back into the US. I realized halfway through my second flight (after having gone through two separate scan-security checkpoints in two countries, plus a physical search) that I had forgotten to remove a full lighter from my purse. I also had a bottle of essential oil in my purse (it was under 3oz, but I forgot it was there, and didn't put it in the plastic ziplock they say they require).

I don't think security really does anything to protect anyone, it just makes people (falsely) feel safer. Any semi-intelligent hijacker isn't going to bring things that can be picked up in security.

GrandmastaD101 · 3 months

I took a flight from Lafayette, Indiana to San Antonio, Texas. While going through security they stated gave you the usual speech about the long list of things you can't bring on the plane. Luckily we anticipated that so we only had to throw away lighters. After getting to our condo in Texas I opened my bag and found a box cutter in the front pocket that I used at my previous job. I completely forgot it was in there but I scared me a little because of how easy it was to bring a box cutter in my CARRY ON bag.

random_digital · 3 months

Sigh...pre9/11, I was able to bring a 5th of Jack on the plane and drink it.

icepenguin21 · 3 months

You can bring water on, you just have to buy it once you pass through the security check point

Some bail clippers have that digging tool, THAT'S a scary weapon

ribo · 3 months

The seatbelt will prevent you from being Alien Resurrection'd out a broken window.

Tyranitar55 · 3 months

You know a pop can is easily converted into a sharp edge which could cut a person easily use to take a hostage work your way to the cock pit threaten your hostage until they let you in and bam! 71 virgins

toasterbot · 3 months

The seatbelt makes the difference between getting thrown from the plane at cruising altitude vs. popping your ears if part of the fuselage is ruptured. Plane crashes have a 98% survival rate, btw. I still find it funny that they make the pilots go through the same security as the rest of us.

miianwilson · 3 months

I'm an airline pilot and they still make me go through security/take my shoes off, etc. I physically have the airplane controls in my hands... If I wanted to crash it I wouldn't need a shoe bomb. TheTSA is useless. The illusion of safety is all they provide.

Shintasama · 3 months

I feel ya, I had to toss a sealed bottle of coke on my last flight, but they let me through with a 2lb block of poundcake wrapped in aluminum foil without even checking it.

DarvelMk · 3 months

And here I thought that the purpose of the seat belt is to stop you from cracking your skull on the overhead compartment in case of severe turbulence.

Thunderape · 3 months

I don't exactly understand the concern about not being allowed nail clippers on board anyway, or rocks for some matter (someone on here mentioned someone being denied a rock on-board). Why would you not just check in those? Why do you feel you need them on-board? And regarding the water, why not just buy water after you've got through the security? Or if you're concerned about the price, bring an empty bottle with you and fill it in a water fountain or in a bathroom (after security, obviously).

Shelbz · 2 months

I flew from Denver to New Orleans a few weeks ago. They did not take my fingernail clippers that I had no idea were in my carry on until I got home, but they DID take my small bottle of anti frizz hair spray because it contained a small amount of alcohol. I got a beer on the flight. It tasted a lot better than hairspray, anyway.

Ollari · 3 months

I feel ultra bad for laughing for the fact that I was the upvoter #911

haha.

funny

MODERATORS

you'll need to login or register to do that

create a new account

login