this post was submitted on
780 points (54% like it)
4,873 up votes 4,093 down votes
shortlink:

funny

subscribe2,429,932 readers

10,482 users here now

PLEASE, No posts with their sole purpose being to communicate with another redditor. Click for an Example.

Welcome to r/Funny:

You may only post if you are funny.

Please No:

  • Screenshots of reddit comment threads. Post a link with context to /r/bestof or /r/defaultgems if from a default subreddit instead.

  • Posts for the specific point of it being your reddit birthday.

  • Politics - This includes the 2012 Presidential candidates or bills in congress.

  • Rage comics - Go to /fffffffuuuuuuuuuuuu instead.

  • Memes - Go to /r/AdviceAnimals or /r/Memes instead.

  • Demotivational posters - Go to /r/Demotivational instead.

  • Pictures of just text - Make a self post instead.

  • DAE posts - Go to /r/doesanybodyelse

  • eCards - the poll result was 55.02% in favor of removal. Please submit eCards to /r/ecards

  • URL shorteners - No link shorteners (or HugeURL) in either post links or comments. They will be deleted regardless of intent.

Rehosted webcomics will be removed. Please submit a link to the original comic's site and preferably an imgur link in the comments. Do not post a link to the comic image, it must be linked to the page of the comic. (*) (*)

Need more? Check out:

Still need more? See Reddit's best / worst and offensive joke collections (warning: some of those jokes are offensive / nsfw!).

Please DO NOT post personal information. This includes anything hosted on Facebook's servers, as they can be traced to the original account holder.

If your submission appears to be banned, please don't just delete it as that makes the filter hate you! Instead please send us a message with a link to the post. We'll unban it and it should get better. Please allow 10 minutes for the post to appear before messaging moderators

The moderators of /r/funny reserve the right to moderate posts and comments at their discretion, with regard to their perception of the suitability of said posts and comments for this subreddit. Thank you for your understanding.

CSS - BritishEnglishPolice ©2011

a community for
to anything interesting: news article, blog entry, video, picture...
message the moderators

MODERATORS

reddit is a source for what's new and popular online. vote on links that you like or dislike and help decide what's popular, or submit your own! learn more ›

779
780

My reaction when my boyfriend told me he was replacing his twin mattress with a king size bed.. (i.imgur.com)

submitted ago by nontamopiu

all 138 comments
sorted by:
best
best
top
new
hot
controversial
old

[–]ItsDare 377 points378 points ago

But that would just take up more floor space, I don't..... Oooooooohhhhhhh

[–]hcgator 60 points61 points ago

It's okay. They will still be able to play scrabble and monopoly on top of the bed.

[–]MostModern 29 points30 points ago

Don't they dare try to play risk. It would be a mess.

[–]evan_ktbd 11 points12 points ago

You're getting up to pee again? C'mon!

[–]Se7en_Sinner 1 point2 points ago

and of course Twister.

[–]youreatheistwhocares 14 points15 points ago

I DID IT TOO!!! I even came to comment that it didn't make any sense. Then I saw your "..... Oooooooooohhhhhh" and the light turned on.

[–]LucasPelucas 2 points3 points ago

The irony. I get it.

[–]McPuccio 0 points1 point ago

OP's boyfriend here. We legit had sex twice on it before she broke up with me. Hurray.

[–]Scuttlebuttz93 38 points39 points ago

My exact thought process: "Umm this wasn't used right, now you have less room for acti....oh shit"

[–]lawlshane 134 points135 points ago

GET IT BECAUSE THEY HAVE SEX

[–]rommelcake 91 points92 points ago

HEY GUYS, THIS GUY GETS IT!

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]Elquinis 6 points7 points ago

I don't have sex at all that often too!

[–]almosteeen58 14 points15 points ago

WHAT ARE WE YELLING ABOUT?!

[–]rommelcake 9 points10 points ago

WHO'S YELLING?!

[–]Skafsgaard 21 points22 points ago

I am!

[–]PsychBuckeye 2 points3 points ago

LOUD NOISES

[–]cody23234 4 points5 points ago

I LOVE LAMP

[–]Dave_Hulud -1 points0 points ago

And it felt so good? (felt soooo good)

[–]witty_account_name 11 points12 points ago

He only did it because you hog the bed at night

[–]nontamopiu[S] 16 points17 points ago

Thats actually one of the reasons. We live in Texas so its hotter than balls 90% of the time. In winter he doesn't mind my snuggling but come summer we both are in "wham bam thank you ma'am" sort of moods.

[–]HookDragger 7 points8 points ago

May I recommend the kitchen floor? Much cooler and even more room for activities.

[–]witty_account_name 2 points3 points ago

Less sanitary, though

[–]bettse 4 points5 points ago

I don't know about you, but I keep my kitchen damn clean.

[–]witty_account_name 1 point2 points ago

After a rousing round of sexual relations, your kitchen will require a good wipe-down before preparation of meals is advised

[–]PretendImGoku 9 points10 points ago

I don't cook on the floor

[–]witty_account_name 1 point2 points ago

You wouldn't make use of the counters for standing positions?

[–]PretendImGoku 0 points1 point ago

I can fly...

[–]HookDragger 1 point2 points ago

I don't know.... you've already been eating it if you're doing a good job.

[–]bettse 1 point2 points ago

Thank you, Capt. Obvious.

[–]witty_account_name 4 points5 points ago

I'm just doing my duty

[–]Lillipout 4 points5 points ago

No matter how big the bed or small the woman, she will always hog the bed. It's a fact of life.

[–]lurkersaurus 3 points4 points ago

I have a king size. Between my wife and the fuckface dog I only get about 2 x6 feet of space.

[–]absolutexero 51 points52 points ago

I wasn't aware that the missionary position required all that space.

[–]nontamopiu[S] 102 points103 points ago

...

[–]bra_sizer 27 points28 points ago

Going with the latter ensures satisfaction..

[–]nontamopiu[S] 15 points16 points ago

Oh don't you worry, I know.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]nontamopiu[S] 2 points3 points ago

Oh my stars! How ever did you pluck those thoughts from my tiny female brain?

What positions do you suggest, o powerful mind reader?

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]lurkersaurus 8 points9 points ago

Gets out notepad

[–]cynognathus 20 points21 points ago

http://i.imgur.com/fvkwf.gif

[–]nontamopiu[S] 1 point2 points ago

Google didn't know what half of those were, please enlighten me? Leapfrog sounds fun though...

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]nontamopiu[S] 2 points3 points ago

Trying. That. What is the Wizard exactly? And does it involve the famous hat...?

[–]Osiris32 0 points1 point ago

You're forgetting The Reverse Hippo Kick and The Spartan Warrior.

[–][deleted] ago

[deleted]

[–]ImSamuelJacksonBitch 1 point2 points ago

Tokyo sandblaster anyone?

[–]LpSamuelm 1 point2 points ago

Exotic

AHAAHAHAH

[–]nontamopiu[S] 2 points3 points ago

I'M SORRY I JUST DON'T BEND THAT WAY

))))):

[–]absolutexero -1 points0 points ago

Hahahaha. I can assure you that I am not your bf's alt HOWEVER if this makes you consider more exotic positions then he may send me a case of beer as thanks =]

[–]HlaOad 5 points6 points ago

Ooooh!

[–]hoodie92 2 points3 points ago

Unless one or more of the participants are obese, they enjoy sex at right-angles, or they are actually using the bed to play Monopoly, a twin bed should suffice for their "activities".

[–]nontamopiu[S] 2 points3 points ago

It does.

[–]tidux 2 points3 points ago

A full, queen, or king makes it easier to actually sleep when you're finished.

[–]absolutexero 2 points3 points ago

Or to just stay the hell away from each other. ;]

[–]ImSamuelJacksonBitch 4 points5 points ago

This guy gets it. Me n my lady just need cool down space after.

[–]Helghast_sympathiser 5 points6 points ago

Damn this post just made me sad... I am getting a larger bed because there is not enough room in my bed for my (now ex-) girlfriend and me at the same time... She left me 5 days ago after being in a relationship for two years.

[–]nontamopiu[S] 8 points9 points ago

I'm so sorry! :( If you want to talk you can PM me, I'm a good listener.

[–]Havok310 2 points3 points ago

but now that' she's gone... there's more room for activities... maybe...

[–]Helghast_sympathiser 0 points1 point ago

Thanks i needed that laugh

[–]Roofiemartini 3 points4 points ago

I've been sleeping on a twin bed since I was a kid. I eventually brought a girlfriend home to meet my parents, and a couple weeks later I received a call from my mom informing me that she bought me a queen mattress and wanted to come drop it off. Did she do that so my girlfriend and I could have better sex? I never asked, but she must have.

[–]thedeadcamel -1 points0 points ago

It was probably so the two of you could have more room since a twin is rather small for two adults, but while purchasing it I'm sure that thought was in the back of her mind

[–]ImSamuelJacksonBitch 3 points4 points ago

And she knew your broke ass would buy Diablo before a new mattress you selfish bastard.

[–]Italian_Barrel_Roll 5 points6 points ago

Only reason to ever upgrade from a twin sized mattress is if you're planning on using your bed for multiplayer.

[–]massenburger 2 points3 points ago

Needs moar jpegs!

[–]witty_account_name 9 points10 points ago

Is this enough for you?

[–]MyOpinionIsFact-cunt 12 points13 points ago

Oh wow. Trying to get upvotes from the virgins eh?

[–]Moiphy 21 points22 points ago

I think we'd be more inclined to downvote.

[–]fairyxxx 9 points10 points ago

If you know what i mean

[–]MoonRazer 1 point2 points ago

My ex-girlfriend and I rented a hotel room once with a kind size bed, i know exactly what you mean! Twin beds are a little ridiculous...

[–]360walkaway 1 point2 points ago

And by "activities", you mean cunnilingus.

[–]Shinsoku 1 point2 points ago

Her Dad isn't real as well!? :D

[–]soiducked 1 point2 points ago

Now there will be room on the bed for activities.

[–]bricardo 1 point2 points ago

I just bought a king size bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over I guess he'd be comfortable. You won't believe what I have in store for you. It's for your exact specifications.

Mitch Hedberg

[–]mnighm 2 points3 points ago

One of my ex's had a king size bed. I hated it. It felt like I was sleeping by myself. I personally like queen and full size beds. Far easier to have accidental cuddle moments in the night.

[–]meinherzbrennt42 17 points18 points ago

I prefer king size beds. You can always cuddle up closer if ya want, but this is Texas and its usually to damn hot to be pressed up against another body all night.

[–]mnighm 19 points20 points ago

I live in Florida. We have air conditioning.

[–]meinherzbrennt42 3 points4 points ago

Mines broken.

[–]whirliscope 3 points4 points ago

BUT where will we get our bauxite ore from?!

[–]meinherzbrennt42 0 points1 point ago

Dunno, try Wally World.

[–]nontamopiu[S] 5 points6 points ago

Thats one of the reasons he's so excited. Now we can do our business and then not burn up trying to sleep. Its gonna be awesome.

[–]annanoemi 2 points3 points ago

Yeah I'm with you on this one. The only times I've cuddled with a boyfriend through the night was in the first couple weeks of sleeping with each other. After that it gets annoying cause you keep waking each other up, having limbs fall asleep, and it's just HOT. The novelty of touching someone every moment you're together wears off really quickly, and you just want your own space in bed

[–]mnighm 0 points1 point ago

I like queen size beds for this. You can still spread out, but you still know the other person is there.

[–]hoodie92 0 points1 point ago

Yes, it sounds glamorous at first, but it gets real lonely. Given the choice between my girlfriends large double bed and the tiny less-than-room-for-one bed in my old dorm room, I'd go for tiny. Snuggling is awesome.

[–]nontamopiu[S] 2 points3 points ago

Until it gets hot and then we either can't have covers and have to have a fan on us or we can't snuggle. :(

[–]hoodie92 1 point2 points ago

It's OK, I live in the UK so there is no such thing as hot :)

[–]unifiedac 4 points5 points ago

Accidental cuddle moments? Who the hell wants to cuddle at 2 in the morning when I have to get up for work at 6.

[–]HookDragger 5 points6 points ago

Depends on if you get the early morning sex or not.

It can also be a very strong motivator to call in sick to work.

[–]JD580 0 points1 point ago

Cuddle moments are never accidental.

[–]VonMeatstein 3 points4 points ago

I see what you did there...

[–]leonard-hatred 3 points4 points ago

My favourite line from that film.

[–]shankeith 0 points1 point ago

"aerobics...step class"

[–]balancedhighs 1 point2 points ago

Clink

Oh sorry, that was just the sound of the penny dropping.

[–]whitetzor 0 points1 point ago

Worst but best picture to choose.

[–]Swlotr1 0 points1 point ago

sure, activities... ;p

[–]asamat 0 points1 point ago

This is my argument for why I want a bigger bed. We still have no room. :(

[–]deadbird17 0 points1 point ago

When you are married for awhile, you'll wish you had those twin beds back. Spouses tend to move around a lot when you are trying to sleep, and they are generally 20°F hotter than you are at all times.

[–]TheOtherOneWhoSpeaks 0 points1 point ago

Oh hey look, it's one of those images that gets posted bi-weekly

[–]nofork77 0 points1 point ago

I can't make love to you until I get a king sized bed...

(spoken with an orange pullover parka on)

[–]Indecisi0n 0 points1 point ago

This is freakishly similar to an episode of MBMBAM that was out recently

[–]Litheon1 1 point2 points ago

Oh I get it now, it's a sex joke.

[–]thelordofcheese -3 points-2 points ago

Tell him to go for a full size instead. Slightly longer yet slightly more narrow than a queen, easier to move, and still lots of surface area. Full size is god tier.

[–]princesspierogi 0 points1 point ago

Agreed. My bf and I upgraded from a twin to a full, and it's heaven. Perfect sized bed.

[–]revrend_ -1 points0 points ago

Mr reaction when I read this post

[–]vaginal_cream -4 points-3 points ago

I'm sick of this meme, it's been reused too many times.

[–]nontamopiu[S] 1 point2 points ago

Sorry. :/ I thought it was at least a semi-funny way of using this one.

[–]FourteenHatch -1 points0 points ago

Is this going to say "so much room for activities"?

Yes. Of course it is.

the "/r/" part of default subreddits translates to "where _____ goes to die".

Use of this site constitutes acceptance of our User Agreement and Privacy Policy. © 2012 reddit inc. All rights reserved.

REDDIT and the ALIEN Logo are registered trademarks of reddit inc.

π Rendered by PID 13215 on app-83 running adf6642.